Healing and Growth are a Choice

I follow some amazing people on social media. Some inspiring and note-worthy ones. Some who are just fabulous friends. Some who stay mostly quiet except to show support for those they care about when it's needed.

The other day I came across this, and it really spoke to me.

It reminded me of our recent moves, which will total four in 29 months by the time we move for the last time in April. None of those moves has been easy on any of our family members. But every one of them has been worth it for a whole slew of reasons.

My husband changed jobs, and there was a while in the beginning when we wondered if we had done the right thing, because we have truly tried hard to follow our instincts in all areas of decision making for our family.

In the end though, it was the right thing. We came to love and appreciate each stage of our growing process, and by the time we got through them, we had been drastically changed as human beings. Indeed, my children, my husband, and I have all learned to view people through a different lens.

Ever since, I've been thinking about how this can apply to other parts of life. As a writer, I do better, write stuff that is more raw and real when I shake things up. As a mother, wife, and woman, I am always better when I break out of the grind of daily routine and do something different.

The next day, another friend posted this, and it just happened to fall in line with the very thoughts that had been on my mind since the first post.

Once again, it spoke to me. Whenever I have been unhappy with my own circumstances, I have worked hard to do whatever I can to change them. When my family has been unhappy, we have worked together, as a family, to change things--including ourselves. It's never easy, but every change we have made has made us infinitely better as people.

As human beings, we all have choices. And we can choose to change and grow. Or not.

What about you? What are you doing to grow lately?

Everyone Is Angry

I feel a great disturbance in the force over the last few months. Not for any one reason in particular, but maybe for a combination of many. It seems like everywhere I look, every news article or social media feed has become about choosing sides on one issue or another.

Politics. Sports. Industry. Religion. One side must be right while the other side is wrong, and SO MANY people who normally might not speak out are shouting at the top of their lungs, crying foul! Because someone, somewhere, did something or said something that offends a personal sensibility, so we must share our opinions. Let us ALL share our thoughts on Amazon vs Hatchett, or Kate Kelly vs the LDS Church, or whether or not adults should read YA books. Let’s discuss industry jealousy, and politics and politicians, and, oh yes, what about the death penalty? While we’re at it, let’s discuss everything at once because we. Are. Angry.

Everyone is so angry. And eventually, anger becomes bitterness, which turns into hatred. And hatred, no matter how it forms or where it comes from, becomes misery. Wide-spread hatred becomes wide-spread misery.

It feels like everyone in the world is fighting over something. It’s exhausting, really. Because no matter the issue or which side on which you stand, there will never be a point where your view or your take is proven true. It’s an endless circle of discontent.

Granted, it’s not all about being proven right or wrong. In most cases battles are about making change, and I am an advocate for change. Change is good. Always. In most cases, change makes things better, even if it means going through growing pains for a while.

But people, do we really have to be at war with one another? Do we really have to spread venom and hate and anger throughout the world, just because our own emotions are high? Aren’t we, as compassionate, understanding human beings better than animals fighting over a kill?

I think we are. I think we should be. And I think it’s up to us to remember that, and to decide to take a step back, catch a breath, and focus on the good, the positive.

Today, when I was leaving the gas station after my daily Dr. Pepper stop, a gentleman held the door for me. At the grocery store, a little boy smiled shyly and waved. This afternoon, I have had texts from three separate long-distance friends telling me they miss me. My daughter borrowed my car last night, and while she was out, she filled up my gas tank and saved me the trouble of doing it myself.

There are kind gestures, sweet thoughts, beautiful, wonderful things happening all around us, and when we focus on those things rather than the ones that make us angry, I think it’s easier to remember how it feels to be happy. To be individual. To be free.

I vote we stop spreading anger and start spreading love instead. Let’s work on restoring the balance of the force, shall we?

The Difference Between Reputation and Legacy

Remember a few blogs ago when I mentioned that my oldest daughter is graduating this year? Yeah. She really is. (Crazy, right?) Anyway, the other day there was this sort of mock ceremony called a baccalaureate, during which graduating seniors came together, wearing caps and gowns, and listened to an inspirational speaker.

I’m not going to go into major detail about the speech or the activity or whatever. But one thing the speaker said really struck me, so I thought I’d share it here.

He said, “A reputation is built in a day. A legacy is built in a lifetime.” ~Kacy Benson

It struck home for me. Reputation is fleeting. Legacy is forever.

If I teach my children nothing more in this life, I hope it is how little reputation matters when you get to heaven, and how much more important it is to touch the lives of others, in everything we do, and in every way we can.

So tell me. What have you done to touch someone’s life today? 

Why I’m not Making New Year’s Goals for 2014.

Yeah, you read that right. I’m not posting a list of tasks I intend to complete for 2014, or giving myself deadlines to accomplish those things.

It’s not that I don’t think making lists isn’t an important step in succeeding. I do. And it’s not that I don’t believe it’s absolutely necessary to have goals and ideas and plans for how to achieve those objectives. I do. In fact, I’ve made goals/lists every year for as long as I can remember.

It’s just that this year I’ve decided to do something a little different. After November’s epic NaNo failure, I learned a very important lesson. Sometimes life gets in the way. Sometimes we have to be flexible and adjustable and learn how to adapt. 2013 was one of those years for me. 2014 might be another. We’ll see.

*cue over-played theme song*

I came in like a wrecking ball…

I still have goals. And hopes. And plans. But this year, rather than a list of goals, I’ve made…wait for it…

Resolutions.

Uh, what? Yeah. Resolutions. Check it out.

I resolve to:

See more good in people.

Respond to rudeness with kindness.

Be more patient, accepting, and tolerant of others.

Not compare myself to other people, or my life-path to anyone else’s life path.

Be a better listener.

Be forgiving of my own flaws, and remember that flaws make us unique.

Write something meaningful and lasting.

Read more books.

Write more words.

Learn how to share what I know with others in an entertaining, informative way.

Find the humor in all things.

Laugh every day.

Do something terrifying and exhilarating and wonderful.

There are other things I hope to accomplish this year. Practical things. Business-minded things. Personal achievement things. But as I think about it, I’ve decided that this list is the more important one, the one that deserves my focus. The one list that might truly make 2014 my best year yet.

Have you resolved anything like this? 

More About Choosing Happy Things

After last week’s post, I’ve been thinking more about things that make us happy and some of the ways in which we can take control of our happiness. We’re all different, and I do understand there is a very distinct difference between clinical depression and just feeling blah due to life circumstances. So with that in mind, I thought I’d throw out some of my fallback ideas for when I need a little cheer.

1.       Exercise. High levels of physical activity release endorphins into your brain which are not only conductive to happiness, but also enhance creativity. So yeah, this is a big thing for me.

2.        Fresh air. There is something so calming and relaxing about being outside in fresh air. Granted, in Texas right now, walking outside is similar to walking into a pre-heated oven, so our outside time tends to happen in the evening and at night, but yeah. It’s still awesome.

3.       Retail therapy. Don’t laugh. Finding that something special can be a little like winning a big sports game to a person who likes to shop. And yeah, okay, money can’t buy happiness, and I totally agree that’s true. But sometimes the smallest, silliest thing can make a person’s day. For instance, last week I found a seashell lamp, and it was half off of an already inexpensive price. It was a steal, and I fell in love with it. Day. Made.  

4.       Time with a good friend. There is nothing, and no one who can soothe us the way our favorite people can. Sometimes that means a long distance phone call, or Facetime or Skype or an online chat, or whatever whatever. It’s about communicating with someone you love, and who loves you back. Someone who is a good listener, and who will—when needed—give you the gift of brutal honesty. Sometimes, we all need to be told to suck it up, and sometimes we just need to be allowed to cry.

5.       Create a sanctuary. Be it your bedroom, an office, or a space outside, or wherever. We all need somewhere that is specifically our special place, where we can go to chill and just veg for a while. This space should be comfortable and comforting, and you should enjoy it the minute you walk into it. And if ever you get tired of it, it should be something you can rearrange or redecorate and love all over again.

6.       Change your diet. Because the thing is, as much as we all love sugar and carbs, if depression is a chemical issue for you, changing your diet can make a HUGE difference. In fact, even if it’s not a chemical thing. What we eat plays a big part of how we feel, so it’s important to make sure we’re eating things that make our bodies happy.

7.       Yoga. Because stretching is relaxing, and being relaxed does a lot for a person’s well being. Also, you feel fantastic after you’re done.

So those are a few of my tried and true methods for when I’m feeling unhappy. Now I’d love to hear what you do when you’re feeling down.  

Happiness is a Choice

When I was young and we moved around a lot, my emotions were something of a roller coaster. Childhood emotions are generally very up and down anyway, but when your definition of home changes about yearly, even more so, I think.

After a move that had been particularly hard on me, my mother sat me down for a heart-to-heart chat. I was probably eleven or twelve. Maybe thirteen. And I must have been in a serious funk, because even back then it was hard to get me down and keep me there.

But I have never forgotten what my mother said to me that day. She told me that regardless of circumstances, surroundings, or the actions of other people, the only person who had total control of my happiness is ME. Happiness is a choice, and it is up to me to decide to be happy or not.

Since then, I’ve moved a whole bunch more times. Been through relationships and heartache and lots and lots of life. I’ve had my heart broken and rebuilt and remodeled and revised, and lived in several states and gone to lots of schools and experienced both happiness and disappointment. My mother’s words of wisdom have stayed with me through it all.

I choose to be happy.  

I have a family now, and children who are on a roller coaster themselves, and it’s time for me to pass on that same advice.

So here it is:

There are a lot of things and parts of life that are out of your control. Especially as a kid. Things happen, families move, bullies exist and there will always be someone who seems to know just the right thing to say in order to momentarily rip out your heart. You’ll like boys/girls and they might not like you back. Friends will say mean things and hurt your feelings. There will always be someone you miss. Always. There are a lot of reasons why you might choose to be unhappy, and those reasons will never go away. They will likely change, but there will forever be something.

Happiness is a choice. It is up to you to decide to rise above the bad and focus on the good. It’s up to you to take control of your well being. It is up to you to choose to be happy.

I hope I’ve taught you well. That’s all.  

The Next Important Question

 Now that I have you thinking about the importance of asking why, let’s consider another very important question. What if?

What if asking why led you to consider new and uncharted possibilities?

What if you realized some of those possibilities could be just the road you need to take?

What if you took a chance?

What if that chance you took changed your life, as well as the lives of your family members?

What if it was hard and required a lot of sacrifice?

What if that hard thing meant good progress in the future?

What if that progress was something that taught your children or other loved ones about the importance of following their dreams?

What if they took that lesson and did something big?

What if your choices rippled on for generations?

Or

What if that chance wasn’t right for you, but you learned from it anyway?

What if that wrong choice led you to another choice that could be the right one?

What if you learned a lot of important lessons along the way?

What if your loved ones saw you try and knew that your journey made you who you are?

What if your future, and theirs, was better because you took a chance on the possibility of what if?

Progress. Pass it on.

**For writers:  What if this question created an entire story. Conflict, character arcs, beginning, middle, end—all thrive on this question. Because in the world of fiction, reality stems from possibility. It’s how  good stories are created.

Life-Changing Stories

Books can be dangerous.  The best ones should be labeled "This could change your life."  ~Helen Exley

Quick! Name three books that changed your life. Here are mine:

1.       Harry Potter. (This is the book that made my son, who was in first grade at the time, keep me in his room for hours, reading to him. Time I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world.)

2.        Twilight. (Don’t laugh. I’ve been a reader my whole life, but this one came at the right time and made me decide to really, truly try writing a book of my own. Life changing? YES.)

3.        The Hunger Games. (This is the book that made me feel 100 shades of inadequate as a writer, but also made me strive harder to be better.)

Bonus: Any books by Nora Roberts. (Because I’m a romantic sap, who tore through these when my kids were babies, and these stories made me feel like I had a life outside of the rocking chair.)

Now it’s your turn. Go!

Because We All Come Close

So, I would like to reword this a little bit because I'm just neurotic like this so I really want this to say: Many of life's failures happen because people did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

(No offense, Thomas Edison. I just don't think failures in life = failures as people, and I'm pretty sure that's not what you meant either.)

I believe this happens all the time. People give up, or almost give up, right before they're about to succeed. But I also believe that there are people who refuse to quit, and who make it through that last stretch and cross over the bar. Now I have a question. Who do you know that kept at something, regardless of how many times they fell or how hard they fell, and eventually succeeded?

Things We Should Decide For Ourselves

Most of you know I write my blogs on the weekends and schedule them to post. But this past weekend I opened numerous documents, intending to get them all done, and even though I’ve had lots of great bloggish thoughts this month, my mind blanked every time. I think there’s just too much information in there struggling to come out. You know how it goes.

So I decided to share little tidbits of everything going on in my head, in hopes that once I get them all out, I can do something else productive without being distracted. That said, my current thoughts are all over the map, so for this post, I’m making a list of things we have to decide for ourselves, regardless of who tells us differently or otherwise.

Only we can decide:

1.       How success looks to us.

2.       What we have to do in order to find that success.

3.       Whether we should continue to try (or give up), and why.

4.        What is best for us in our current circumstances.

5.       What our gut tells us to do, and whether or not we should act on that feeling.

6.       What we want most.

7.       Who we love and why, and what we do with those feelings.

8.       How we react to things that hurt us or make us angry or sad.

9.       How we react to things that make us happy and/or successful, or other fortune that comes our way.

10.   Who and what matters most to us, and why, and what we will do about it.

11.   What REALLY = success.

12.   What defines us as individuals.

13.   What’s worth fighting for and what isn’t.

14.   When to hold on.

15.   When to let go.

I told you my brain is full. What about you? What needs to be added to this list?

Snippets of Wisdom, part 2

In case you missed Wednesday’s post, this week I’m sharing quotes from writers whom I have decided are infinitely wise in our open-mindedness.

I’m going to focus today on sharing quotes about life, in hopes that something here reaches out and touches one or two of my readers. Okay? Okay.

“The journey of 1000 miles starts with one step.” ~Jess Smart Smiley author of Upside Down, A Vampire Tale

“Being a grown up is not a prize you win. It’s something you reach out and take for yourself.” ~Sandra Tayler

“When you know you don’t know it all, you’re willing to learn.” ~Stacey Whitman, Senior Editor, TU books.

“Everyone is making it up as they go.” ~Tracey Hickman

“Very few times in our lives do we have a choice that will change our entire future.” ~James A. Owen, author of Drawing out the Dragon

“We have to get over the fear of making mistakes, even when we make them.” ~Stacey Whitman

“Be willing to forget what you know and just be who you are.” Jennifer Nelson

Okay, now it’s your turn. At some point in your life, you’ve heard a quote (don’t deny it, I know you have!) that changed you. Or at least made you really think. What was that quote and who said it?

Art, Lines, Choices

Last weekend I had the opportunity to attend Life, the Universe, and Everything, a science fiction and fantasy symposium in which authors and artists converge to share knowledge. The keynote address was given by a man named James A. Owen, and what he had to say struck home with me.

Turns out, James and I are likeminded people. I have spent so many posts talking about choices, and the importance of making good ones, and this was the focus of his address. His words were a well-timed reminder to me.

He says (I’m paraphrasing) that art is nothing but a series of lines. It’s up to us, the artists, to choose where each line goes. Everything in life is about choices. “Your choices are cumulative, and every choice you make gives you the chance to make new choices.” Meaning (to me), that the choices we made as children have brought us to where we are as adults. The choices we make as adults will ultimately decide on the paths of our lives. And sometimes, our childhood choices come back to us in unexpected ways.

He then went on to spout a number of fantastically wise words that I started writing as quotes. I’m going to share the three most important points of his address here, and then I’ll give you information about where you can purchase a book in which you will find James Owen’s whole incredible, triumphant story. I bought it. He signed it. I treasure it because of the incredible message inside. Worth. Every. Penny.

1. “If you really want to do something, no one can stop you. If you really don’t want to do something, no one can help you.”

2. “Are you the kind of person things happen to or the kind to make things happen?” (Decide!)

3. “Never sacrifice what you want most for what you want the most in that moment. If you hesitate [in making the decision] you’ve already made your choice. It was probably the hard one.

And one last quote for the road. “If you are strong enough to overcome, you will. It’s YOUR choice.”

What choices are you making today that will affect your life, or the lives of others, tomorrow?

James A. Owen is the author of Drawing out the Dragons, the Starchild series, and the Imaginarium Geographica series. Also, he is a highly motivational, absolutely inspiring speaker. Check out his works at his website.

**Update**

James A. Owen is right now GIVING away free ecopies of this book here. This is for a very limited time, so hurry, go fill out the form and download yours now!

That Fairy Tale Life

Dudes. I don’t watch a lot of TV. Seriously, I think Chopped is about the only show I watch regularly because it’s on late at night as I’m getting ready for bed. But every once in a while, there is an exception.

Like the new abc series, Once Upon a Time. *clutches chest* LOVE!

Usually, when I find a TV series and watch it regularly, it’s because I love both the characters and the storyline. But this one’s even better, because it has been created out of stories and characters I already loved, put a new twist on all my favorite fairy tales, and plunked them down in the modern world.

More love!

This is what it feels like to be on the other side of brilliant writing. It’s a learning experience, and not just for writers, but for everyone. I think whenever you take a perfect life lesson and turn it and twist it and move it into different places and take it to new heights, it makes us question our morals, our values, and our how far we would go for love, life, and the pursuit of, well, happily ever after.

What’s more, it makes me personally evaluate my own happily ever after. Have I reached that place yet? Keeping in mind that life changes daily, I ask myself if I died tomorrow, would I be happy with the life I’ve lived?

I still have a long bucket list, so I hope I don’t die tomorrow. But if I did, if some freak accident happened and I was hit by lightning or a bus or dropped off a cliff, would I be able to say I’d loved as deeply as I could, given back to the world in the best way I knew how, and affected someone else’s life for the better?

I certainly hope so. What about you? Are you living a fairy-tale kind of life?

Cheerleading

A friend of mine once called me a cheerleader for writers. At the time, I wasn’t sure it was a compliment, but in the years since, I realize that friend was probably right. I have a tendency to want to encourage others, cheer them on, make them remember why they should keep trying when they’d rather quit.

I wish I could tell you why, other than it’s just the kind of person I am.

Everyone needs a little encouragement once in a while, and we all want to succeed at something, so of course we’re going to try. Sometimes we fail. Sometimes we work harder than we’ve ever worked and lose. But sometimes we succeed, and those are the times that keep us moving forward, keep us working hard. This is why we try.

But it takes faith.

And patience.

And every so often, encouragement from a cheerleader who believes in your ability to be the person you are.

I’m willing to be that cheerleader for you. For all of you. So if you’re lacking faith in yourself, I will have faith in you. If you’re lacking the patience to keep moving forward, not knowing when or if you’ll ever succeed, I’ll loan you some of mine. And if you need someone to shake pom-poms in your face and scream and cheer while doing cartwheels, I’ll do that too. (Well, maybe not the cartwheel part—I’m getting a little old for that.)

In the meantime, here is a little something to remind you what it means to be strong. (By the way, this is the true story of my cousin Jodi—who is also a cheerleader, apparently. I guess it runs in our family or something.)

Now you have no excuses left. Get to work!

Bigger isn't Always Better

Oh my gosh you guys. The other day at the store, we found these marshmallows that are like, bigger than my whole hand. Seriously. The things are HUGE. Almost look like mini pillows. They’re called campfire marshmallows, and were on a s’mores display with chocolate bars and graham crackers.

Of course I had to buy them. I mean, who wouldn’t want to try roasting a giant marshmallow?

So we took those babies home and lit a fire in our backyard fire pit. Turns out, this was one of those cases in which bigger wasn’t better. The outsides cooked at about the same rate as that of regular sized marshmallows, but the insides took quite a bit longer, meaning that in order to cook them all the way through to s’mores perfection, either the outside was burned, or the inside was too solid.

Maybe it was just us. I’m certain that there are people in the world who will never go back to the regular sized marshmallows again. But I think we’re going to stick to our tried and true version so we’re able to cook them to exactly the right gooey crispness.

Because some things life are so good that trying to improve them will only make things messy. Don’t you agree?

No Two Friends Alike

I’ve been thinking this week about friendship and all its different forms.

I used to think all our friends fall into different categories and sub categories, kind of like books and genres. We might have best friends with whom we share everything, who we don’t always spend a lot of time with (but sometimes do), but who we know we can always count on unconditionally.

Then we might have close friends, who are just a little different than best friends in that they know a lot about us and we know a lot about them, and we probably spend a lot of time together (or at least talking or emailing, or whatever) but with whom we also have boundaries.

Then there are regular friends we like to see, love to spend time with and visit, but who don’t really know us like our close or best friends do. And vice versa.

Below that, we have acquaintances, who we know, who we enjoy seeing and talking to and getting to know better, but who aren’t the first people we think of when someone mentions the word friend.

Theoretically, that list sounds like a good way to classify the non-family people in our lives. Then logically, we have all kinds of sub groups, and sometimes it takes some work to figure out who belongs where in the file-folders of your heart.

Except I’ve recently discovered one problem to this way of thinking. People don’t always fit in file folders. We are emotional, and illogical, and commonsensical—but not. We are dreamers, and thinkers, and feelers whose moods and situations and family and jobs all affect who we are and why we love them or why they love you.

There is no safe way to categorize a friendship. So the best thing you can do is to stop trying and just let the people in your life be who they are and love them while you can. And if the day comes when you’re not as close as you once were, feel lucky that you had as much time as you did and be grateful to them for that time. Or maybe you’re closer than before. In that case, feel lucky for that.

Some friendships are worth fighting to keep, and sometimes we’re better off letting go and moving on. It’s all about what’s most healthy for both people involved. Just as love is a gift, so is friendship. And everyone appreciates it differently.

And people, I’m so grateful for all my amazing friends—no matter what category in which they fit. Or not.

Five Minutes A Day

Have you ever listened to your favorite song while also reading the lyrics? It seems to me that music tends to be the truest, the most profound expression of experience and emotion available to us in short increments.

Well, okay, there is poetry too. But what is music if not poetry sung to a tune?

If you read the words as they’re sung aloud they often take on a whole new meaning. This past week I have found it to be true of my favorite Christmas songs, as well as others I listen to throughout the year.

Have you ever taken time to sit still and just listen to one song without distraction? If nothing else, it’s a great way to clear your mind and help hone your ability to focus. And the best part is it only requires 3-5 minutes out of your day.

Go now, take five minutes and try it. I’ll wait.

*hums a tune*

What did you learn? Will taking five minutes a day help you keep a calm, focused frame of mind? If you were to allow yourself this much time each day, how would your life, your job, your relationships improve?

Well. You never know until you try it, right? Here we go. Resolution number one. Allow myself 3-5 minutes of personal focus time every single day.

What’s something you’re planning that will improve your life this year?