Showing posts with label Writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Writing. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 25, 2022

“I wondered which was harder, in the end. The act of telling, or who you told it to. Or maybe if, when you finally got it out, the story was really all that mattered.” ― Sarah Dessen, Just Listen

 I can see by the dates that it's going on three and a half years since I've written here, and gee.. I can't think of any good reasons why. 


Lies. Monstrous Lies.


I mean, I originally stopped writing because nobody reads blogs anymore, right? Once our feedreaders were winked out of existence, I suddenly lost all these other people I was connected to, and I didn't know how to deal with that again, so I just... didn't. 


I figured I'd keep writing if I felt like it; Stop if I didn't.  Didn't really matter if anyone was reading or not.  And for the most part, that's true.  I think that's still true anyways.  I can... feel around the edges of where I am now, back to the "normalcy" of summer 2019, and see that I was just going to do as I felt, knowing full well that it would likely not be read by many people, and I'd be okay with that. 


Because I am a writer, and writers write, regardless of if people are reading that writing or not. 


But then the world decided to implode quite a bit, and well: things changed. 


I got Covid. I nearly died. I have Long Covid still.  

I watched as the world talked a lot about how it didn't really matter if people were dying because they were old, or sick, or somehow just already unimportant. As the numbers climbed and my country, my world, just... attempted to pretend its way out of a global pandemic.  That's killed nearly six million people already, and is still in full swing (as most of the world pretends it's either over or almost over). 


And it turns out? under those conditions? I do not need anonymity.  


See I started this here website as a place to say the things I needed to say, anonymously (super anonymously at first) about my life, my world, the people in it, my feelings, etc. Without having to be too careful of people's feelings, or without having to censor myself and not writing about the things I needed to write about.  Because I knew I would worry people, or hurt people's feelings, or just be too harsh on bad days, or whatever.  

And that's worked for me, here for a very long time: This blog was established in 2005, and that's seventeen years ago, friends.  SEVEN TEEN YEARS.


And we've talked about a lot of things. Things I've never said to anyone else, or even allowed past my brain, ever. Private, personal, global, hilarious, hideous, sad, depressing, wonderful things. 


But I don't need to hide anymore, because I got Covid, I nearly died, and half of my country - and a fair share of people in my real life - just didn't give a shit.  Didn't act like they cared - complaining about masks and freedoms and vaccines and conspiracy theories.  

And in summer of 2020, I wrote my fucking will (I don't have a lot of things, but there were a few I wanted sorted); I wrote letters to my family; and then I started posting my real, actual, uncensored thoughts on Facebook, because what the actual fuck??


And I've written about science deniers, and the CDC and how much it sucks and how much we still have to rely on them for certain things.  I've written about our government's piss poor response to Covid under two different presidents.  I've written about coughing up blood and being denied care because there just weren't beds for people who weren't actively dying (even when it seemed like I might be actively dying). I've written about the eugenics of it all, the activism of it all, the EVERYTHING of it all.  

Right there, right out where everybody can see me, with my real name attached and everything. 

And mostly? In a turn of events that will shock exactly no one, most of those posts go nowhere, most of them don't get read, or shared, or it winds up just being me and my cousin (who is also chronically ill and has an immunocompromised kid) screaming into the void together, but I don't give a shit. 

that's not true I ...  DO give a shit, but only in the "well, people's true colors are shining pretty brightly, and I wish it weren't the case" kind of way.  Because my first couple of posts got a little bit of traction, but two years into yelling that people are scientifically ignorant on purpose and it's killing vulnerable people and disabling millions of others unnecessarily, and somehow people just... skip right past those. 


I talk & repost about it on Instagram. On Twitter. Tumblr, still. Fuck - I doubt there's a platform I'm on that I haven't posted something about it. And I don't care if people are tired of me talking about it.  

I am tired of talking about it too. 

 But I'm also tired of watching people die. 

Of being afraid all the damn time. 

Of pretending that ableism (and capitalism and racism and all the fucking isms) aren't poisoning us all so badly that most people don't even CARE that people are dying by the thousands every day. 


So I'm gonna keep writing about it, probably for the rest of my life, however long that manages to be.  Because this is worth writing about.  

And it's worth writing about, with my name attached. 

I'll probably still be back every now and then, so drop me a note if you want to say hey.  I miss y'all, and I hope whoever is out there in blogland still, is safe and protected and cared for right now. 

I'm not gonna make any promises about when I'll be back, but I'm glad I still have this little corner here, for thinking things through while I rant and rave about everything else going on in the world in all the rest of the corners you can find me in. And if you're looking for my real name, drop me a note, or your Facebook link, and I'll follow it to you, so you can follow it back to me. 


Because I'm writing about things that matter - just like I always have done - and I'm finally signing my name. And it feels good.  

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Forgot to mention

But I'm publishing a review a day for the month of September to catch up with my Cannonball Reads 6 queue - I took a break there sometime around 20 books and the end of April. I've read about a million and a half fan-fics since, but have fallen waaay behind on my book reading, and even further behind on my review writing, so if you're interested, or if you just want to see what I have to say about a bunch of books and maybe you don't already follow me on Goodreads, c'mon over.

A review I wrote last week got a comment by the author on it the other day, so that was pretty exciting! Exciting because I actually liked the book...so she was pleased by the review and I was pleased that she had seen it. It definitely could have gone the other way - I wrote a not-so-great review about another book a few days ago and it still doesn't feel great to me, because I hate to say mean things. I mostly just tried to play the "this really isn't my style" card, but... there were a lot of issues, and I mentioned that a few times. I wasn't actually mean about it, I know that, but it was hard not to follow the "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" rule.

For the most part though, I'm on a pretty good streak of books, and I think, if I survive September with any brain cells, and anybody's interested, I may link a few of my favorite fanfics and talk about them, come October. (Apparently we can review them for CBR, but since the point is to raise money for charity through Amazon, I'd feel badly since there aren't any Amazon-links to click in the AO3 fics. But this is my page, so I can do what I want. Also, at some point, I should probably recognize that I have been writing here for 9 years now, I think. It might be 10 - time to dig through the archives for that first mess of a post, and see the date again. But I know it was September, so I've got a blog-aversary coming up. And a sick-aversary come October. I'm just full of happy days [and made up words.])

So come check it out, if you feel so inclined.

Wednesday, April 09, 2014

TBR Mountain? Meet TBR Universe

So if you've been reading here for any length of time, I hope you know enough about me to know that I am an avid reader myself. Of everything. And anything - shampoo bottles, literary tomes, complicated scientific articles, every kind of novel ever (romance, sci-fi, fantasy, crime, thriller, YA...), obscure biographies, how-to books, and so much more. But up until last week I had avoided getting entangled with fanfiction.

My reasoning was not snobbish - I do not consider any kind of reading to be better than any other, after all, and a person who takes immense joy in selecting picture books as presents for people of all ages has very little in to say about other people's reading choices. If you like it; it's worth reading, is my basic reading philosophy. (Which does not mean, if I don't like what you're reading that I'm not going to find some way to build a literary bridge between your (poor) taste and mine, because, really if you like fairy tale retellings, I can find 72 better fairy tale retellings than the one you are reading and then we can talk about it and fangirl together, and won't that be more fun? Yes: yes it will.) Like every reader, I do have issues of personal taste when it comes to books - things that make a good book amazing, subplots I have had enough of, characters I wish would show up more, things that make a good plot go bad - but I'm no literary snob (despite the English Lit department's best efforts).

No: my reasons for abstention from fanfiction were varied & personal  -
  •  A) I didn't know a lot about it, except that it's not always finished & I HATE waiting for things to be finished*;
  •  B) some of the pieces I had wandered upon were ... poorly written/edited/solely smut (not that there's anything wrong with that except for - ) 
  • C) I tend to have my own head canons about things - certain favorite characters, primarily - and I don't like to see those get messed up and
  •  D) the sheer amount of reading material I already have on my plate & an unwillingness to open the Pandora's box of literally ever written character I've ever fallen for having an infinite number of more stories told about them.

But - even with these well-thought out & well-intentioned self-preservation techniques in place - I threw it all out the window one day last week when I started reading a phenomenal Avenger's Fanfiction series. Which I found completely by accident, and which I am very upset there are not more stories in. (See star below.)

But, as often always happens in reading - one thing leads to another and here I am, a week later, having barely put a dent in the multi-verses of fanfiction that's out there, but having a ton of non-canon Avenger feels and ignoring all my other reading responsibilities. 

Literally - I barely have read anything else in a week, and that's unusual for me, because I've always got three-four things going concurrently.  In this case, however, if I don't want to be reading Avenger fanfic, I can just switch over to Sherlock or GoT or virtually any other thing I am even the tiniest bit interested in. Not to mention crossovers. (No seriously: let's not mention them because I maaaaaaaaaaaaaay have spent an entire day and a half stuck in the MCU, and now I'm mad that the Avengers, the X-Men and the Fantastic Four don't all play together in the movies, because of stupid studios.)

There is fanfiction for everything, and for a person who reads as much as I do, this is Very. Dangerous. Information. Favorite author fan fic; favorite character fan fic; favorite book series/movie/television series fan fic; I don't play video games, but if I did? Fan fic.

And it was somewhere between the Nora Roberts/GoT crossover fanfic and the Star Trek reboot fan fic where Bones was finally getting his due that I realized something - some of the first things I ever wrote were fan fic. The Little Women retcon  FIX where Laurie does not end up with whiny Amy and Jo does not marry a professor we know very little about. The Tiny Toons Adventure scripts where they got to hang out with the Animaniacs. The alternate ending to It (spoiler alert) where Bev - who is 11! - doesn't decide to have sex with her friends for no goddamn reason, just because they're lost in the freaking sewers and Stephen King didn't know how to get them out of there without being a creep. (I was 11, and I can guarantee you that it would not have entered my mind to lead the group out of the tunnel that way.  Even if I was a slow learner - and I'll admit I was - 11??? Also: I still think that was a shitty thing to do.)

I've been re-writing endings (And middles.  And beginnings.) of stories since I started reading them.** And while I am extremely relieved that publishing as I was writing was not an option for me (although it may have been and I just... don't share what I'm writing, so it's likely that never would have happened anyways), I'm so glad that the Internet has introduced me to YET ANOTHER group of my people.

I can only rue the fact that it did not include some wormhole that enables me to read while also accomplishing other things, or an extra 52 hours in a day, so that I can devote them solely to reading and actually accomplish something else. As always, there is just so much more to read, and so little time to actually do it.

The sacrifices to readers (and writers) make. ;)



*Please see: Actual Comic Books, a literary art form that I truly love, but only in retrospect. I do not appreciate a bi-weekly serial. I do not like the cliffhanger versions of stories where I'm supposed to wait to find out if favorite characters survive. I get enough of that in my television watching, thank you very much. And also in my book series reading, which I both love and hate: Love spending so much time with characters and revisiting them, hate having to wait for the next book to come out. Am not patient about this, for some reason.  (And this is why I have a half-year's worth of Batgirl comics to catch up on: because I want to be able to read them all in one gulp.)

** One of the many books my mother saved from my childhood is a revision of The Monster at the End of this Book, the first book I remember reading out loud by myself, the first book I loved, as a reader. So, the fact that I then did my own version of it, way back when, suggests I was a little slow to pickup on the whole "fan fiction is for you, you dope."

Monday, November 18, 2013

Let's see if you can decipher this bit:

Sometimes it's really hard to write things because you are so busy not writing other things. It's like the things you are specifically not writing take up so much space in your brain there is no room for any other words to be created, let alone come out.

And other times, all the stuff you are busy not writing shuts its big fat mouth long enough for you to carve out the two thousand words you needed to reach today's goal.

Luckily, I chose to NaNoWriMo this morning, when paragraph two was an option.

Unfortunately, I am trying to write this post this evening, when my only option seems to be paragraph A.

So all you get is some blather about stuff I can't/don't want/know how to talk about, and a note that I previously today have written well (Honestly, it's a historical dream sequence and so far I like it better than the entire rest of the novel. So, come December I might decide that my actual book takes place in Boston circa the fall of 1918, just in time for the Spanish Flu pandemic. But for right now, that's just my ghosts' back story. Yes: ghosts is supposed to be plural, because, better than halfway through the month I have suddenly decided that there wasn't enough peril in my plot and added a bad ghost to antagonize the good ghost and her friends. Don't even ask me. I think my brain is rebelling. The story is never going to end.)

OK, I'm going to go now, that I ... just said a lot of things and didn't say other things.  Happy Monday, everybody.  Less than two weeks to go here. 


Saturday, November 16, 2013

Today was

our local NaNo chapter's writing marathon (technically, it still is) - the Boston chapter travels all over Boston/Cambridge/Medford area and writes at all sorts of different places - they even camp out somewhere (this year a church basement, I think) and type the night away: I had hoped to hook up with them tonight at the Starbucks in Harvard Square, but it was not to be.

Which is not to say it was a completely wasted day - I did, in fact, NaNo my fingers off, completing just under 5000 actual words (you know, the ones that wind up in the story), 2 hours of research, and a pretty good outline of where the rest of the book is going.  Except for how it ends, of course.  I mean, I know that it does end, I'm just not 100% sure how I get from where I'm at to where it needs to be (and I highly doubt that I will be able to do that in the remaining 19,995 words, but that's another story). 

So yes: Yay!  Novel is mostly plotted - I've done some course correction, I think I have ways to fill in the plot holes, and I know where I want to end up, eventually. I just have to write the rest of the words to get me (or, rather, my characters) from here to there.

I actually took some time today and worked out some character backgrounds, fleshed them out a little, even though it wasn't stuff I could include in my word count, or stuff that will make it into the writing - I found that knowing them a little bit better on paper (because I already had the beginnings of most of these ideas somewhere in my brain) really helped me focus and speed through.  Hence the 1 hour, almost 2 thousand words with which I am closing out my day.

So, I'm disappointed I didn't get to play with the rest of the Boston WriMos, but I'm going to try again tomorrow - they're meeting at the Boston Public Library for an 'intermission' - a little movie and some games and chit chat and things to clear your head space as we hit the final two weeks.  I'm hoping, now that I've got some scenes in mind and a broad sketch of where to wind up, they won't be that hard on me.

I know for some people, it's hard at this point to keep the momentum coming, but last year week 2 was my toughest - sloughing through all the rough and random edges of a story, trying to figure out how all the scenes should cram together to create some sort of puzzle, gnawing off the pieces that don't fit, and hoping you didn't lose anything too important. I'm hoping that I just cleared that difficult mess of my plate, and the rest will be "oh yeah, I know what needs to go here," or "Clearly I am a genius, because this is the best story ever!!"

Neither of those things are anywhere close to the reality of what will be happening in the next 14 days, but just having the numbers - both days on the calendar and word count numbers - on my side makes me feel good.  So when I am pulling my hair out next Wednesday (because Wednesday is pie-day, and I hope to be finished by then hahahahahahaha), you can all remind me how I said the worst was probably over, and I promise not to curse at you too much.

Of course, as previously discussed, my cursing is currently at Scooby Doo levels, so you have nothing to worry about either way.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Of course,

Since I wrote about enjoying writing so much yesterday, today writing decided to kick my ass.  What else is new?  Honestly, it wasn't that bad, but instead of taking a half hour/hour to write my daily goal, it took twice as long, and I had to stop 640 words short of 25,000 because I had a dentist appointment.  I spent the whole appointment (when not warning the hygienist that if she popped my jaw out of joint again, she would have to be the one to pop it back it) fuming at my characters and wondering if I could justify writing a scene where one of them has to go to the dentist, just to make them suffer.

I didn't come up with a good way to fit that into my story line - YET - but they're all on warning.  So they better get with the program tomorrow and play nice, or the next ghost that makes an appearance is going to be a malicious dentist with a grudge against teenagers and a ghost drill.


Wednesday, November 13, 2013

I know I say this every November,

but I don't know why I forget that writing is so important for my brain. It's one of those things that quickly falls off my daily to-do list, especially once I flare or an infection crops up or a hospitalization, or even things like eating regularly or Christmas shopping, or what have you.  At that point, it's so much easier to spend my downtime wandering through some revolving cycle of Twitter, Tumblr, Feedly, e-mails, etc, rather than spending valuable spoons trying to create something, even if it's something just as small as a paragraph to post here. (For examples, see this entire past year on this blog, where I have posted less than I will during the month of November.  Grief and even low-grade illness management have combined into a total word-eater of a year.)

And then, I start writing, and it's hard, and I think everything I am writing completely sucks, and how would I ever let anybody read it, and why am I even bothering to try??? and then... Oh Look: Twitter, Tumblr, Feedly, oh my. Yeah. But then I've signed up for something, and I don't like to quit. or I've said it out loud and now people will know if I back out, so I at least have to put something; and the more somethings I put in, the better they start to seem, and maybe I'm not completely useless after all.

Of course, there's still a 60% suckage rate, but that's better than 99%, and it's better than writing nothing, which is 100% sucky.

I don't even know ~ I mean, it's really hard to keep to a schedule when you're chronically ill: Or maybe it's not, maybe it's just me.  I think part of it, for me, is that so many things are Have Tos, health-wise, that making anything else mandatory makes it feel overwhelming and constricting and I immediately want to act in complete opposition to that mandate. I'm a rebel! You can't make me! I don't wanna! Crumbles into a ball on the floor...

What, is that not how adults act? Am I supposed to be a grown-up about everything, just because, technically, I am a grown-up?  That doesn't seem right.

But there's something about NaBloPoMo, and now NaNo, the challenge of it, and the fact that I know so many other writers are out there typing their fingers down to nubs and banging their heads against the same plot walls as me, that makes it seem communal and joyful and not like a task that needs to be checked off the to-do list, more like something I'm happy to do.

Unless I am not making my word count. In that case, words suck, NaNo sucks, I am the world's worst writer, and YOU CAN'T MAKE ME.

But, so far, I'm doing okay word count-wise: I plan on hitting 25,000 either tomorrow or Friday, which is right on schedule, and I'm completely not addressing the fact that my main characters are now closer to 14-15 than 12, because, whatever, that's for the edits.  Also, I think there might suddenly be a relationship subplot, which I totally didn't sign up for, but we'll see if I can manage to make it not be the worst thing in the world.

So what should you take from this long and rambly post re: National Blog/Novel Posting/Writing Month?  Aside from the fact that my brain is a huge battlefield and you should be super glad that you don't have to enter it at any point in time?  Just that writing is a practice, like everybody who writes is always saying, and the more you do it, the more you want to do it, except when you don't. 

Logic. 


Tuesday, November 12, 2013

NaNo used up all my brain cell spoons

After a long-ish weekend - what with kiddos sleeping over, dinner & games yesterday, and then actually leaving the house to do a thing last night - I am exhausted and flaring; Surprise! Fibro just dialed the pain up a few notches for me today, is all, and the accompanying brain fog has been lighter the last hour or two, so I'm trying to sneak in some words. 

In the course of hitting today's NaNo goal, a plot point came up and hit me between the eyes with a 2x4, which I find very inconvenient.  I seriously have no idea if it's just my scrambled egg brain today, or if some characters are starting to...do things I didn't think they would do, but I might be in trouble, sub-plot wise.  That's ok, though, because I don't have to fix it today! (Another post might be upcoming on the subject of writing and denial, because I feel so strongly on this subject.)  

Last year, I did NaNo completely last minute, as a means of distracting myself from my grief, and told nobody (in my real life) about it at all while I was toiling away.  When I passed the 50,000 words, I did tell my mom, and although I skirted the issue a bit with a few other people - my sister, who's a poet, and I were talking about writing through the parts you feel stuck on, even if what you are writing is complete crap and you know it's not going to stay, for example - I think that was it.

This year, not only did I mention it here and on Twitter, I told Mom before the month started that I would be quarantining with quiet in the mornings, and not to be worried if I didn't poke my head out until noon (because - for the most part - my rule is to get the writing done, or at least get some writing done, first thing in the morning: if I do that, even if I go back to add more during the course of the day, at least I'll have something.) (Also, if I go out and have breakfast and talk and whatever, then turning on the TV or scrolling through Facebook while I'm drinking my tea is too easily done and too attractive to me - If I give myself the opportunity to be distracted, I will be distracted.).  And over the weekend, I chatted with the kids about it - about how I would need some time to myself (which, when they're here I hardly ever take), and how I was stuck on specific parts of the story, and how, no, I didn't know how it would end yet.

It was really nice to talk to them about it, knowing that I had a NaNo under my belt, and that I was capable of finishing this one - even if I don't finish it in time, even if it winds up being National Novel Writing Year for me: I'm going to be able to finish this piece of work at some point, and so I could talk a little bit about it.  They wanted to read it, which was hilarious, because: NO.  Nobody reads it, which was a whole thing that they did not get at all, which is great because I love it that they're comfortable and confident enough to share whatever they're making, and I hate it that sometimes I am not, but right now? No.  Mine; Don't even bother asking.

And I got some bad news from my 13-yr-old nephew, on the 12-yr-old girls and swearing front: "Schnikes!" and "Zoinks!" are definitely not  making a comeback.  In fact, he blushingly and under the promise of not getting in trouble, told me that he and his friends curse much more than ... well, anybody.  Especially if they are playing X-Box (My brother concurs; said nephew has had to be reprimanded more than once for his use of foul language on that foul machine). 

Now I knew that Scooby-Doo cursing was more than likely not in vogue, but I admit I'm disappointed that my angel-faced-gentleman nephew has a sailor's mouth - and apparently so do his lady friends.  (Although he did say that he doesn't hang out with girls all that often, so he's just basing it on what he has heard in "like school (?!) and recess and things".) I guess that makes us equal though, since said angel-faced-young gentleman nephew gave me such a disappointed look when I explained to him that not only did I not curse when I was 12, I barely cursed at all until I was in my 20s, and even now, I just... don't like to.  (Most times: Sometimes, a Sunavabitch just needs to get called a Sunavabitch.)

Besides, I really think it's time for a "Scnikes!" renaissance.

Saturday, November 09, 2013

Today I had the most free time I've had all month

and the smallest word count. I don't even know ~ writing is hard. 

You guys, I'm afraid my 'novel' has no plot. I'm afraid it is just witty banter between a bunch of random 12 year olds and a ghost, at this point; and (in all honestly) the ghost is not holding up her end of these conversations. Of course, that's what half the banter is about - "stupid ghosts and their cryptic, ridiculous, non-clue-ish clues" .  The other half of the banter is between two 12 year old girls who used to be best friends and then something happened.

 I am not being coy by writing 'something happened'; I legitimately do not know yet. Mostly they're just aiming little poison barbs at each other, with the kind of precision that only (pre)teen girls -and particularly girls who know each other very well - can manage.

I'm trying to decide whether it'll be more awesome if their friendship just sort of... dissolved or if it completely blew up. There's certainly going to be blowing up somewhere, but I think, from my own experiences, that it's more realistic that friendships just kind of... break up, piece by tiny piece, in such dribs *and drabs, so slowly that you hardly notice it, you just feel little twinges along the way, and all of the sudden .... everything's different.

Especially when you're twelve.  I feel like twelve/thirteen/fourteen was a whole 'how the hell did the earth shift out from underneath me' kind of experience, and that's the feeling I'm going for with their friendship.  Of course, people handle that kind of thing in very different ways, and one of those ways (at least in my experience/in this book) is to be super sarcastic to each other.  My main character is a snarky little demon, and the other girl - who was dealing with the same things, but dealt with it by just... moving on, instead of being hurt -  is, now that they're thrown together again (courtesy of aforementioned ghost) is now surprised and hurt by the main character's reaction, and trying to hold her own.

This sounds so ridiculous, trying to explain it like this.  My whole point was... seriously, plot: wouldn't you like to make yourself a little bit clearer, because we still have 33,000+ words to write, and - as much fun as it is to write the sniping scenes - I have a feeling they'll get old pretty quickly. 

Also - I don't know how many of you others are writing mysteries, but how hard is it to write a mystery that is hard enough not to be instantly solvable via Google, but still easy enough for your characters to eventually figure out?  I am having the hardest time, but I've never attempted to write a mystery before. I hope that I'm getting a little bit of slack since they're, you know, 12, but Dang: Google, you are making mysteries very difficult to write!

*isn't drib a word? at this point I might as well be inventing my own language, and we're only  nine days into NaNo!, but I could have sworn 'dribs and drabs' was a saying - Google agrees, Blogger, so you lose!

Wednesday, November 06, 2013

Totally on top of things

... except for how, maybe, I almost forgot to blog tonight?  Oh well: 10:30 - I'm still on top of things, right? Today's writing issue? Plot holes, and how I fell down one.

Or, more specifically, how I wrote myself into a corner, and now I have to figure out a way to write myself out of it. It's not a plot hole so much as "I don't really have a plot?" and "Couldn't my characters just sit around and trade barbs for the next 40,000 words?" Because, seriously, that's what the first 10,000 have been, and it's working so far!

But now I've got a couple of twelve-year-old girls who kind hate each other, a ghost who doesn't really want to talk to either of them, and a mystery that I ... haven't figured out which way it should go yet.  In all honestly, I haven't figured out what the mystery is, exactly. Which is kind of important, and tomorrow's problem!

But for today, boy am I having fun making twelve-year-olds snark at each other.  There's also a 10-year-old, the main character's little sister, who so doesn't have time for either of their shit - she's all: "Listen, chicas, shut it. I think our, you know, GHOST PROBLEM, is kind of more important than whatever it is the two of you are squabbling about right now." I kind of love her, even though I'm supposed to like the main character and her ex-friend better.  Oh, well!

Off to bed - see you all tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 05, 2013

Zoinks!

The current funniest thing about my work in progress is that I have no idea how 12 year old girls curse. And my main character, as well as her former best-friend/current nemesis, are both twelve year old girls who are provided with many opportunities to curse (even though we're only about 4 chapters into the story).

So, instead of swearing outright  - which, probably? is what 12 year-olds do? - I mean I realize my 13-year-old nephew probably has a truck driver's mouth around his friends,  but here I must give my standard "I don't really like cursing, and was a total goodie two shoes as a child, and probably didn't curse in my head, let alone out loud until I was graduating from high school" explanation*. 

Either way, for right now, in the NaNoWriMo flurry of words, I'm inserting different ridiculous made up curses, like "Shnikies" and "Zoinks."

So, basically, my two main characters sound like they are directly out of a Scooby Doo cartoon. Eventually, when the time for editing comes, this will become a problem.  Right now? It's making the re-reads pretty freaking hilarious.


*If you have any opinions on what curses are popular with the tween-set, please, feel free to share them in the comments. 

Monday, November 04, 2013

Taking my own advice

from yesterday, and trying to get ahead of the curve here.  Because today I've got a 24-hr Halter test so I've got to go to the hospital and get all hooked up, and I don't know how much energy I'm going to have tonight, so here's today's post.

----

In the interest of keeping things moving, and for all of us Na/No/Blo-ers, a little writerly wisdom:

“What I have since learned is that writing is this incredible gift into yourself– it is one surefire way to discover what it is you know, what you think, how you want to be in the world. Writing can be the ultimate truth teller.”
                                                                                              Rosie Molinary: Welcome Home, You WIll Always Be Safe Here, Dec 2011

Don't t forget to tell some truths today! 
  

Sunday, November 03, 2013

Just a little thought -

Third day, and I'm sharing a tip I've seen a few other places, but I've got a different reasoning, so I figure it's fair game.

When I mentioned on Tumblr that I was participating in NaNoWriMo, a couple of people contacted me to give encouragement, ask what I was planning to write, etc.  Given that most of what I post there is chronic illness/spoonie related, it will come as no surprise that many of these private messages came from other spoonies. During one of these conversations I mentioned that I was going to try to front-load as much writing as I could manage in the first week or so, because I will - without a doubt - 1) have low/no spoon days; 2) get sick at some point (to varying degrees of sickness, but hopefully nothing serious; 3) want to spend time doing something other than write - like eat on Thanksgiving, or spend some time with either of my November birthday-girl sisters; 4) have days when writing is just not happening or other things are much more interesting and words are stupid; or 5) days when you have other commitments and just don't see how to squeeze some writing in.

Now, I've seen this tip in relation to issues #3-5 - I won't be the only NaNo participant planning on some turkey and pumpkin pie this month, and a lot of other participants will have a ton of commitments that I do not - full-time/part-time jobs, families that they have to care for every day, travel schedules, kids hockey games they have to sit and watch and freeze at, whatever. And I'm sure we will all be faced with a day when, as happened to me last November, the sum total of our (usable) words will be the ones that are the main characters names - everything else will be a whole bunch of nonsense. (Countable nonsense, as far as word count goes, sure; but I always felt like it was almost cheating if I knew that it would never actually end up anywhere near the finished project.  But that's my inner editor at play, and she's supposed to be on vacation this month.)

But I haven't seen a lot of discussion surround issues 1 & 2, and I realize that for most NaNo participants, they won't come into play: A low energy day here or there for a non-chronically ill person, is not unheard of, certainly, but ... its a different kind of energy when you start talking about spoons.  On a day when I have no spoons, I don't mean that I might be too exhausted to write - I mean that I would (most likely) be too exhausted to eat. To take my meds. To roll from one side of the bed to another. To hold a pencil, or open up the laptop cover, let alone lift the thing that suddenly weighs more than 900lbs. To think through the brain fog enough to remember to brush my teeth after breakfast, instead of before. To try and remember if I took those pills already or if I just pictured taking them (which is why I have a whole pill system, but that's another post).

So writing anything legible or interesting, or valid (in my own opinion) on those days? Even if I keep to the daily schedule that everybody recommends, or force myself to sit in front of the computer during what is my usual writing time? It's simply not an option.  And that's ok: it's not a huge deal.  It is a knowable obstacle for me, because I have been doing this for a long time.

As for #2 and the likelihood that I will fall ill this month? Today is the 3rd of November - yesterday  I visited with three children under the age of 10, and a newborn, and some adults. Today I can't move. It is a very high pain day; and it is possible that it could turn up to flare levels, but I'm hoping it doesn't. Pain is (for the most part) something I can write through (depending) - but if those little lovely ragamuffins also brought me some nice germs, or if my visit to the hospital tomorrow where people are apparently incapable of not coughing on me results in my next bout of strep or the flu, or - god forbid - something more serious; well then, all writing bets are off. It'll be a constant game of who knows.

Which is basically how it's going to be anyways, for all of us: a giant game of "Am I going to write the words today?" "Am I going to make the daily/weekly/monthly goal?" "Can I shut my inner editor up long enough to reach 50,000 words?" - We're all in a limbo here, and that's part of the fun.

But if there's anything I learned in the years of trying to complete college and deal with chronic illness at the same time, it's to get as far ahead on the syllabus as you possibly can, while you can. So, if I can write an extra thousand words today, I'm going to. So that I'll have that little cushion there for tomorrow, if I need it. 

Because, even though the goal is to write everysingleday, and even though I am remembering that the more I write the more I want to write, November is not a month set apart from the rest of my life - it is not going to be some magical oasis of health and vitality and peace and calm and quiet, no matter how much I may wish it so.

So, that's my (completely unoriginal) piece of advice to all you other NaNo writers (and goddamn it, we are all writers!); Spoonies and non-spoonies alike, if you can - give yourself a little cushion, for the hard days, so you'll have something to fall back on.

Ahead, to day 4.

Friday, November 01, 2013

Hi Guys!

Are you ready for me to write more here in the next month than I have in all the previous months of this year combined? I thought so! Welcome to yet another NaBloPoMo - National Blog Posting Month - where I will attempt to write everysingleday, and you will attempt to not get bored of me writing everysingleday.

Considering how much little writing I've done since last years NaNo/NaBlo, this should be a real surprise for both of us!

I've already gotten off to a good start with my NaNo word count - met today's quota, and am going to be attempting to pad it a little bit, because I know I will have zero spoon days between now and the 30th, and I will need all the padding I can get to make it to 50,000 words. This year's book is a little bit more plotted out than last years - which means that I thought about it for at least 5 minutes before starting this year, because last year I didn't think about it at all.

I've got a very vague outline of what I'm hoping will turn out to be a middle grade/YA mystery novel - the middle grade/YA decision being dependent upon whether or not I can write it in the tone I'm hoping to strike, or if I make a bunch of 12 year olds sound like adults, in which case when editing time comes, there'll be a ton of work to do. But I'm not going to worry about that for now!

Nope, at this point, it's all about getting the words down on paper, getting the story out into the world. And this year, I actually know a lot of NaNo participants (and/or people I know are participating in NaNo), and am hoping to go to one or two of the local meetups - look at me, all doing more things I'm uncomfortable with!

But the main focus for the month - to the detriment of preeety much everything else (aside from my health & the people I care about, basically) - is going to be getting a book out of my brain and into my computer screen.  Without editing it a million times (one of my mistakes last year was that I kept going back all the time), or being super judgemental about it (who, me?).

For all my fellow NaWhatever participants: Good luck, good luck, good luck!  Let's get to writing! Follow me on Twitter, or add me on your NaNo page, if you want to commiserate about word counts (I'm a good commiserator).  See you at 50,000! (I'm NeverThatEasy on both of those, btw.)  For those of you just following along, and thinking "what a bunch of kooks, to try to do this in November of all months" - Right?  What were we thinking??? Please keep your fingers crossed for us, and, if you follow me on Twitter and want to bug me about my word count (if I haven't mentioned it in a while, for example), please feel free!  3/4 of the reason I believe I can do this is because I really hate to let people down, so now that I've told everybody, I feel like I have to do it for real. 

Current word count, by the way, after an hour or so of writing this morning is 1684. Definitely time to pad that a little.

Wednesday, May 01, 2013

“We are familiar with both ends of the spectrum: the short, acute infections and injuries of everyday life and the terminal cases of cancer, heart disease, or stroke that have a finite end. Chronic illness is somewhere in the middle, confounding and unfamiliar.” *

Welcome to all of you Blogging Against Disabilism Day readers ~ I hope this first of May finds you ready to read about a ton of things you wish you didn’t have to read about, to learn more about the people that make up our particular segment of the online disability community, and to (hopefully) feel like there’s issues out there that we can all do a better job of acknowledging and addressing!  (At least, that’s been my experience on previous BADD adventures: your mileage may vary, and this year might bring something completely different - but I’m excited to see where it takes us!)

My own post this year is a little bit different than some of the stuff I’ve addressed previously (you can see my BADD posts from 201220112010 (Oracle Post: commented on by none other than Oracle writer, Gail Simone! and is one of my favorite posts ever,) 2009, 2008, & 2007,), because I want to talk to you about a book I think might be right up your alley.

Friend of this blog (and this blogger), Laurie Edwards - author of the fabulous Life Disrupted:Getting Real About Chronic Illness in your 20s & 30s, and of the excellent posts at the blog Laurie Edwards, Writer (previously A Chronic Dose) has recently written a new - and extraordinary - book called In the Kingdom of the Sick, which is on sale now.  It’s an excellent book, that some of you might have already heard of (Laurie’s been doing a bit of a virtual book tour over the past month or so), but even so, I think it’s something worth discussing again here.

Let me first say, that it’s complicated for me to talk about this book, particularly in any sort of unbiased way, since I’m in it.  Quite a bit, actually:  Over the course of the last four years, Laurie’s been interviewing me, and asking me a bunch of thoughtful, challenging, questions - both specific and sweeping in scope - and then listening to me blabber on and on in response. She somehow managed to cobble a lot of my bits of nonsense together with the insights of other patients and bloggers and respected health care advocates, and combined them with years of dedicated research into the social, environmental, and cultural implications of chronic illness and come up with a sophisticated, well-rounded, and solid take on what it means to live with chronic illness in America. 

I’m going to talk about this book on two different levels - as someone whose personal story was told in its pages, and as just a reader, focusing on the compelling themes and discussions that Laurie manages to include in her chapters. 

On a personal level, I have to say how strange it was for me to see my story in print. To have my experience of illness not just represented truthfully and succinctly, but respectfully.  If you are a patient, like me, with often invisible/misunderstood chronic illnesses, you learn pretty fast that your word is not to be taken as gospel truth, that your story is to be heard with skepticism, that your experience of what it’s like to live in your body doesn’t translate to how people think it should be, and is therefore invalid.  But - as a chronically ill adult herself - Laurie has dealt with these attitudes on her own, and knows how important it is to make sure that she listened to and honored our experiences - I can only speak for my own interview process, but there was never a time when I felt as if what I was saying wasn’t being heard, and that really comes through in the final text. 

Which, for me, wound up being quite startling when I actually read the book: there’s my story.  All typed up and neat between the covers of an actual book - with my real name attached even!  (Which, considering I run an ‘anonymous-ish’ blog, gave me some pause about posting this here: but my concern is more that the people who know me in real life don’t find the blog me, not that the people who know blog me don’t find out who I am in real life, so I’m willing to take the risk.)  Even knowing my own experiences, they were hard to read: in some cases I was harsh on myself, or my family, and in others, the reality of my story is that it is often stark, as chronic illness often is - at least in this context.  So, it was sometimes hard to read about how doctors are dismissive of my pain, or how my family and friends (and teachers and doctors) so often discounted what I was feeling in favor of what they thought I should be feeling.  But the thing that Laurie manages to do so well here is incorporate all of the random pieces of my story and intertwine them with the stories of so many others, and place them in historical, social, medical contexts that make them so much more than just my stories: she makes them matter, in a way I hadn’t considered before.  The book is both my story and not my story  -  The author is honoring & using our anecdotes and non/mis-diagnoses and perspectives to discuss a more universal story, to show the patterns that surround the lived experiences of individuals & groups with chronic illnesses. 

This is one of the things that I found most fascinating about the book (and most relevant to my own experience of living with a chronic illness): that there are certain things that are universal to people living with chronic illnesses and disabilities - “We want science to give us clues when we’re surrounded by darkness, but we do not want to be reduced to impersonal statistics.” for example - but it’s still such an individual process. And that Laurie is able to blend and balance that so well is a credit to her skill as a writer.   

Laurie is able to see the big patterns - to identify and illustrate broad themes over long periods of time - but to make them feel real and relevant by using the true stories of actual, living patients.  By focusing on how the concepts of illness and patients have evolved over time, and using specific examples from those she’s interviewed, she manages to prove that illness doesn’t exist in a vacuum, but that the “stereotypes, assumptions, and challenges” that accompany our perceptions of illness as a whole, disability & chronic illness in particular are doing real harm (or, could be harnessed to give true benefit)  to real people in real time.  (A fact that will be well noted on your BADD journey today, I’m sure.) 

The example that most relates to my own life is that of the Tired Girls (a phrase coined by Paula Kamen in her excellent book All In My Head): those suffering with auto-immune diseases, invisible illnesses, migraines, pain syndromes & chronic fatigue.  Set against the backdrop of the 1980s, a time when (once again)  “the fit body became at once a status symbol and an emblem of an individual’s purchasing power, moral health, self control and discipline,” and our culture decided that being unfit was a moral failing, the stereotype of
 “The Tired Girl stands for so much that society disdains: weakness, exhaustion, dependence, unreliability, and the inability to get better.  She is far removed from the cancer survivor triumphantly crossing the finish line in her local fund-raising event, surrounded by earnest supporters.  The Tired Girls have few cheerleaders, and, often lacking correct diagnoses or effective treatments, wouldn’t even know how to define what or where their finish line is.”

 Later on, she continues:
 “The issues apply to chronic illness in powerful ways.  For one there is obviously no finish line with chronic illness, literally or figuratively; we just live with symptoms that wax and wane and will continue to do so.  Without that finish line that denotes survivorship, there is not the same level of cultural awareness or acceptance of our diseases, no backdrop of success with which outsiders can judge our journey.  Our survival is more subtle and nuanced; it entails adaptation and negotiation, and is as fluid as our disease progression and symptoms are. … It is a murky gray space...”  

What does survivorship mean to someone who will never cross a finish line, who just has to make it through the next day? What does it mean to live in a society that embraces the power of fitness and an ideal of “you can do it if you try hard enough”  for groups of people who just can’t live up to that goal of perfection- and how does that effect not just the way they are treated by the culture they’re living in, but by the medical establishments that exist in that culture;  It’s an area that’s often overlooked, and I’m glad to find it here. 

Again and again, Edwards uses words like “unpalatable” “Antithetical” “disdain” “blame”  “untenable” “Overreacting”  “dismiss” - in her discussions of how society, the medical world, and sometimes even the patients themselves view people with illnesses such as  Chronic Fatigue Syndrome  & Fibromyalgia, and - as a sufferer for 18 years -  I can only agree that these are still the pervasive attitudes.  She talks about the importance of medical research (and funding - or lack of) as “critical to better acceptance and better treatment options”, as anybody with an underfunded, misunderstood disease can attest to. 

There are also compelling discussions into the intersections of gender and illness (which she also touches on in this recent New York Times article about Pain & Gender); environment and illness, class and illness; and how much of our experience of illness relies on the time and place in which we are living.  For example, most of us in America right now have the privilege of living in a ‘post-polio’ time, but less than 70 years ago, that would not be the case.  What attitudes and values from the post WWII era of "irresistible progress, a time when it seemed like science was on the brink of curing so much of what ailed us..." and yet "chronic conditions that were somehow beyond the reach of medical science - would appear that much more unpalatable" are we still carrying over and living with today - in our daily lives and in our medical establishments? How much of what we now understand about diseases like Multiple Sclerosis or Epilepsy would be shocking to someone from the early 1900s?  And what will we learn in the next 10-50-100 years that will change how we view the misunderstood illnesses of today? How do new technologies that will help us discover the inner workings of the brain, or processes of pain or genetic implications of illness, clash with the ever-present theory of self-improvement and moral judgements surrounding things like weight and lifestyle choices? Somehow, she manages to touch on all of these topics and many more.

The book is definitely, as the subtitle proclaims, a “Social History of illness in America”  - peppered through with patient interviews and perspectives are the broad trends and social constructs and how they inform our experience of illness - both as patients and as observers/outsiders. 

She looks at the Disability Rights movement in the larger context of the times - as emerging from the basic principles of the Civil Rights movement, and the Women’s Rights movement - and how it sometimes has come into conflict with both of those - If you’ve spent anytime on the Internet, then you know that not everyone’s feminism is intersectional, not to mention that if women’s right’s activists were arguing for equality, and certain illnesses were keeping women from being able to claim that equality, well, there would obviously be conflict.  Also true is that chronic illness, in terms of the disability movement as a whole, is not always welcomed and appreciated by the decision makers: and that the needs of people with chronic illnesses both intersect and diverge from the ‘mainstream’ disability rights movement (if there even is such a thing any more).  As Laurie puts it “Invisibility affords many opportunities for alienation.” 

She also provides one of the clearest perspectives about chronic pain I've ever read.   And doesn't shy from mentioning the judgements that often come attached to having something so debilitating that people - including doctors -can’t see or often measure reliably (and therefore don’t trust) -

“Chronic pain, especially severe chronic pain, is so encompassing and omnipresent it makes concentrating on anything else other than it nearly impossible.  Chronic pain can make it excruciating to engage in physical activities, keep up with a regular work schedule, or even leave the house.  Over time, chronic pain erodes so many aspects of the patient’s identity that it sometimes seems all that is left is the minute-by-minute experience of simply surviving the pain itself.  It makes the threads of everyday life blurry and out-of-reach, yet pain becomes the narrow, sharp lens through which everything else that matters is filtered.  This is the reality behind the statistics, the jobs left behind, the co-pays for painkillers that invite as many problems as the fleeting relief with which they tempt. .. It’s an untenable situation: patients are considered lazy or indulgent if they remain housebound, but should they manage some activity or productivity, then their pain can’t be as severe and exhausting as they claim.  Here again we see the contradiction so common in the social history of disease: the absence of outward physical manifestations of illness somehow negates the actual experience of having it.”
 and later

“Widespread pain conditions like fibromyalgia or CFS are especially social conditions, since their symptoms have a direct impact on a patient's ability to maintain various roles and identities.  Ties to the outside world via employment, family obligations, activities and hobbies, and social engagements are whittled away, and physical and psychosocial isolation increases.  Add to this process the fact that their symptoms and complaints are routinely viewed with skepticism from physicians, loved ones, or both, and the alienation of individual patients takes on more momentum.  In The Culture of Pain, David B. Morris writes that pain “cannot be reduced to a mere transaction of the nervous system.  the experience of pain is also shaped by such powerful cultural forces as gender, religion, and social class … Even when it just grinds on mercilessly, pain, like love, belongs among the basic human experiences that make us who we are.”” 
Right?  How much do I love that somebody gets all of that?

I’ve managed to include just a few of my favorite quotes out here, but trust me - there’s a million more in the book (see attached photo with number of sticky notes in my (!signed!) copy: and I promise that I did not sticky note myself).  I didn’t even get to mention the rise of consumerism, survivorship and personal responsibility, or the emergence of social media as not just a place for activism (shoutout to #BADD), but also a place for community building, patient research and all sorts of evolving questions about the role ‘participatory medicine’ will play in the lives of current & future patients.

 In the Kingdom of the Sick is comprehensive: it’s super compelling to anybody who’s interested in how disabilities and illnesses have been and are now perceived in our culture, and how that might change moving forward, and is incredibly relevant in a world where nearly everyone is impacted in some way by chronic illness (if you don’t have one, I guarantee you know someone who does).

 Highly, highly recommended, and hats off to the wonderful Laurie Edwards, who I’m so glad I get to call my friend.

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I'll be back at some point with my favorite BADD quotes round-up: I hope you all are hitting as many sites as you can, and leaving as many comments as you can (Trust me, they really matter!)  Speaking of: please let me know in e-mail (bbckprpl@gmail.com) if you are having trouble with the comments on my site: Blogger does not always cooperate, and I've tried my best to shut down the captcha, but it doesn't always stay off.  Thanks for reading! 

*Laurie Edwards, In The Kingdom of the Sick, p10

Saturday, November 24, 2012

A reminder, as I crawl my way to 40,000, with 6 days to go


“In psychological terms, it seems that drive is more important than talent in producing creative work. The psychologist Dean Simonton has argued, for example, that the composers who produced the greatest music were simply the ones who wrote the most. Mozart and Beethoven composed all the time, whether walking down a street or attending a dinner party.” 
                         ~ The Midnight Disease: The Drive to Write, Writer’s Block, and the Creative Brain,  Dr. Alice Flaherty

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Three things

Three things that I've noticed since I've been participating in NaNoWriMo -

1) It is really cutting into my reading time, all this writing.  It's hard to walk around with my characters in my head and other people's characters in my head at the same time: I was reading a book where a character was killed and she bared only a slight resemblance to my main character, but I started bawling anyways.  I'm not saying that my mood didn't factor into that, of course it did, but still ~ but between that and the amount of TIME I spend writing, it's making it hard to read all the time, which I don't like...

2) I am really an ace procrastinator.  I can put things off with aplomb, people.  (Because once I start writing, generally?  I can knock out a scene no problem.  But getting to the actual writing point? Requires a timer, a closed door, zero distractions (including Facebook, Pinterest and other soul suckers), and a tuned in brain.  Arranging for all of those things to meet at one time, for a steady period of time - quite challenging.)

3) But, I'm 100 words shy of 37,000 words people (which, my word program counts as about 80 pages, but whatever), and ... the book is nowhere near finished, the plot is still kind of murky, and yet: I totally love it.  It's pissing me off a little, since it didn't go in quite the direction I thought it was going and I've had to do some readjusting because of that, (not to mention I have no idea how to end the stupid thing) but, mostly?  I kinda like it, this thing I am creating.  Which is huge for me, because lately, I've been feeling like everything I am doing is ABSOLUTELY IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY ENTIRELY WRONG. No matter where I step, I manage to stumble, or land on some one's toes or a pile of dog poo or something.  People are dying, fighting, crying, mourning, faking it, trying, and I'm just stumbling in and out of the way.
   I know I say it every time, but I wish I didn't stop writing, that I wouldn't let myself stop writing, even when things are hard because I forget that it is something I like, and am good at, and am capable of.  With all the shit that's going on around here, and all of the things I'm not capable of?  It's nice to reminded that there are somethings I can still do.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Words, words everywhere

but none to spare for here.

Seriously beat tonight, guys.  Managed to get 5000 (! I'm up to 20,812!) words written for NaNo, but between recuperating from the wedding (which I have stories! and pictures!) and having our family over, and still being sick, not to mention the stupid additional side effects from my new drug, I'm just plum worn out.  So I'll try to remember to write here first tomorrow, so it'll be interesting and stuff. Night!

Friday, November 02, 2012

NaNoWriMo

so far, my novel is skewing towards the Young Adult side of the spectrum, which is leaving me with one major problem: Not only am I no longer a Young Adult (at least, not as far as publishing standards go), when I was, I didn't do anything that would be considered 'typical'.  I have no idea what "teenagers" did: I know I spent most of my time sleeping and visiting doctors offices.  Trudging my way through home tutoring and pretending that missing out on social events wasn't a huge deal. (Jr Prom vs. Star Wars marathon with your mom?  As much as I appreciated the effort, I probably still would have preferred the prom.) Busting my butt so I could graduate on time, even though nobody else thought I should even care about that.  Trying to get my family to realize that I was neither a)on drugs, b)pregnant, c)faking it or d) being overly dramatic. 

And so, somehow, I find myself writing (and researching) about a chronically ill teenager - one with more of a social life than I ever had (otherwise the book would be both boring "Today she slept for 18 hours" and too short to meet the 50,000 words), but with some of my experiences and emotions peppered in.  And I'm loving it. 

Even though I had 1330 words yesterday and today I only have 950.  But they're a good 950, and that's more important, right?