Remembering...

TODAY I'M REMEMBERING MISS KOLBI MAE!

  I HATE HOW MEMORIES CAN FADE WHICH UNFORTUNATELY THEY HAVE AND IT'S ONLY BEEN 11 MONTHS.  WE ARE COMING UP ON THE YEAR MARK NEXT MONTH OF WHEN THE ACCIDENT HAPPENED. 

 I HAVE BEEN MORE EMOTIONAL THIS PAST WEEK THEN NORMAL.  I FEEL LIKE I HAVE BEEN RELIVING THAT AWFUL DAY ALL OVER AGAIN THE PAST FEW DAYS IT SEEMS LIKE IT'S ALL I THINK ABOUT!  I TRY HARD SO HARD TO NOT DO THE "WHAT-IFS" I PROMISED MYSELF AND NATE I WOULDN'T.  BUT, SOMETIMES IT'S HARD WHEN SHE'S ALL I THINK ABOUT AND HOW THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT IN MY EVERYDAY ROUTINE WITH HER HERE.

  I WONDER WHAT SHE WOULD BE DOING IN THE MIX OF THE OTHER KIDS ENJOYING PLAYING WITH THEIR FRIENDS DURING THIS SUMMER BREAK...WOULD I JUST BE ENJOYING MY TIME PLAYING WITH HER OR WOULD SHE BE RUNNING AROUND TRYING TO KEEP UP WITH TAIGE AND MACKENZIE.  WOULD SHE STILL BE TAKING A NAP DURING THE LONG HOT DAYS, WOULD I BE TRYING TO POTTY TRAIN HER, WHAT OTHER WORDS WOULD SHE BE SAYING AND  WOULD SHE BE SPEAKING SENTENCES, I WONDER WHAT SHE WOULD BE DOING WITH HER COUSINS, BEING BOSSED AROUND OR BEING THE BOSSER, AND THE ONE I WONDER ALOT IS ...WHAT WOULD SHE LOOK LIKE???  WOULD HER HAIR BE STILL GROWING OUT AND HER BANGS CAUGHT UP WITH THE REST?  WOULD SHE STILL HAVE A PRETTY BABY FACE OR GROWING ALITTLE MORE MATURE? WOULD SHE STILL HAVE HER CREASE IN HER CHUBBY LEGS? AND I MISS SEEING HER FINGERS AND THE DENTS IN HER KNUCKLES,

QUESTIONS I WILL NEVER HAVE ANSWERED WHICH HURTS!

I REMEMBER THINKING WHEN SHE WAS BORN...HOW PERFECT SHE WAS!!!

I WAS SO EXCITED WHEN NATE TOLD ME I COULD NAME HER "KOLBI MAE"  IT WAS LIKE THE 3RD DAY IN THE HOSPITAL WHEN WE FINALLY AGREED ON HER NAME.  I TRIED SO HARD TRYING TO COME UP WITH A MIDDLE NAME TO NAME HER AFTER MY AUNT JAMIE OR COUSIN JADEN, BUT NOTHING SOUNDED GOOD UNTIL "MAE" POPPED UP IN MY HEAD.   "KOLBI MAE" IT WAS AND OH, HOW IT FIT HER!

SHE WAS PERFECT FROM DAY ONE!

WHEN I THINK BACK ON THE ACCIDENT I REMEMBER WHAT SHE DID EVERY SECOND THAT DAY...THE WAY SHE SMELLED, THE WAY SHE SAT STILL FOR ME TO DO HER HAIR FOR CHURCH THAT MORNING, WHAT SHE WORE, WHEN SHE RAN INTO HER ROOM WANTING A BOW IN HER HAIR TO MATCH TAIGE, THE WAY SHE ACTED TOWARDS NATE ALL DAY SHE LOVED HIM, AND I KNOW SHE WAS LETTING HIM KNOW HOW MUCH THAT ENTIRE DAY, WHEN SHE FELL ASLEEP ON THE BAR IN THE MIDDLE OF EATING HER DONUT, WHEN NATE WOULD THROW HER UP IN THE AIR HER GIGGLE, WHEN NATE MOOED SHE'D SHRUG IT OFF LIKE HE WAS JUST A BIG DORK.  

I REMEMBER WE KEPT TRYING TO KEEP HER AWAKE ON OUR WAY HOME FROM NATE'S PARENTS AND THE WAY SHE WAS GETTING ANNOYED BY ALL OF US, BUT IT WORKED SHE FINALLY STARTED DANCING OR BOBBING HER HEAD A BIT.  HER BIG SQUEEZE AFTER I GOT HER OUT OF THE CAR AND THE KISS SHE GAVE ME RIGHT BEFORE I SAT HER DOWN SO SHE COULD PLAY WITH THE BIG KIDS.  

I KNOW SHE KNEW WHAT WAS COMING NEXT AND JUST WANTED HER DADDY TO KNOW HOW MUCH SHE LOVED HIM, CAUSE HER ACTIONS AND BODY LANGUAGE WAS TOTALLY DIFFERENT THAT DAY.  

NEVER WOULD SHE BEFORE PICK NATE OVER ME, BUT, THAT DAY SHE DID. THE LITTLE "STINKER"

I KEEP SAYING I JUST WANT MY "OLD LIFE BACK" IT WAS SOOO MUCH EASIER THEN,  I HAD THE PERFECT LITTLE FAMILY!  I FEEL LIKE I WAS ALOT MORE HAPPIER AND MORE FULL OF LIFE THEN I AM NOW.  DON'T GET ME WRONG...I AM HAPPY JUST IN A DIFFERENT WAY.  SOME DAYS I FAKE IT TILL I MAKE IT THRU IT,  WHICH I NEVER FELT LIKE I HAD TO BEFORE.  BUT, I AM HAPPY JUST SAD I DON'T GET TO WATCH ALL 3 OF MY KIDS GROW UP AND SEE ALL THEIR MILESTONES! 

I STILL HAVE THE PERFECT FAMILY!  I'M JUST ONE OF THE "LUCKY ONES" WHO HAS A SPECIAL ANGEL WATCHING OVER ME NOW!

IT'S FEELS GOOD SOMETIMES JUST TO TRY AND

REMEMBER......!!!

 

I THINK REMEMBERING IS HEALING, I DON'T EVER WANT TO FORGET THIS CUTE LITTLE MUNCHKIN, YES!  SOMETIMES IT HURTS TO HAVE THE MEMORY BUT, HOW BLESSED I AM TO HAVE THEM WITH HER!

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