I looked at my Facebook "memories" today and realized it would have been my anniversary. May 23. Jeff and I would have been married 8 years today. (Except we had already been married since April when we got married, but whatever. Long story.)
I checked in with myself. Am I sad? Angry? Anxious? What feelings do I have today?
Jeff and his partner Abby have a new baby. He was born last week. His name is Noah and he is the sweetest, most precious little one I have ever held. (And I say that with full knowledge of my own children. They were never all that sweet and precious - they were pretty demanding and vocal. But that's why I love them!)
When Noah was born, I also searched myself. Did I feel jealous? Nervous? Pushed out?
I have really wanted to confront whatever feelings I might be having because in the past, I may have just claimed to be okay and fine, and then five years later had a crazy disproportionate response to some more or less quotidian event in my personal or professional life. That's a typical Emily way to work these situations. But I don't want to be like that anymore. I want to have my feelings when I have them, and realize that they won't overwhelm me.
So I searched. And a lot of people asked me. I got some of those concerned texts from friends: "How are you feeling about the new baby and everything?"
And can I tell you: I literally have not a single negative emotion. Not one. I feel joy and contentment when I'm around the baby. I feel happiness and peace when we are all together. I truly feel that Jeff and I are in the kind of friendship and co-parenting situation that we are meant to be in. I think that Abby is a great partner for Jeff.
As I was drifting to sleep the other night, I was having a conversation with God, as I often do in that twilight time between waking and dreaming. I was pondering why it has been so easy and peaceful to fit this complicated network of relationships together. Lord knows I have my share of extremely difficult and conflict-ridden relationships, as well. I have relationships that are so damaged and badly deteriorated that I'm not sure they can ever be repaired.
But it seems that, for whatever reason, the relationships that matter most (family; people who will parent my children) are safe. And it's not even a case of "oh we just want to get along for the kids." (Although that makes me sound very noble and self-sacrificing, doesn't it?) I honestly think that Jeff and I would have a great friendship even if we had never had children and divorced. I just earnestly enjoy being around him, his family, Abby, and Noah.
I have been joking with my friend Amanda about the abuses of the #blessed idea. No, God doesn't want you to be #blessed by your new car or business success or whatever. But when I consider this intertwining of lives and the ways that things have worked out, I cannot help but call upon that idea. God has #blessed me with the most unconventional family imaginable, and somehow it just . . . works.
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 23, 2017
Monday, May 15, 2017
"you'll never be the prettiest girl in the room . . .
but you'll always be the smartest."
With those words, my mother laid the cornerstone on the foundation of my personality. It has been both exceptionally sturdy and also very weak. (I am large, I contain multitudes.)
I was standing in the downstairs bathroom, the one with the little statue of W.C. Fields. I was probably seven. I was observing a ritual that had been repeated thousands of times already in my short life: standing next to the sink, watching Mom put on her eyeliner. We were late for church, and I knew that we would go in the side door on 10th Street and go through the library and slip into the back pew.
I had asked Mom a question that was so seemingly benign and innocuous. It was one that I have imagined every little girl asks at some point. "Mom, do you think I'm pretty?"
In the last six years I have spent a lot of time drinking in the beauty of my own two children. I know how you stare at the curve of her cheek or admire his gait. I know how every mother sees her child as the most gorgeous thing imaginable, and how you think to yourself, "If they resemble me at all, in appearance or personality, then I am more beautiful than I thought." So now, I know what my mom was thinking. But standing at the sink, she contemplated the question for so long that I thought she probably hadn't heard me. I was about to ask again when she simultaneously deflated me and fed my arrogance with her straightforward statement.
And thus my course was set. I removed myself from the "prettiest girl in the room" competition and set my sights on "smartest." By anyone's estimation, I did very well. National Merit Scholar Finalist. Ivy League (where I also found out that I wasn't, actually, the smartest girl in the room). Turner Scholar. Lewis Fellow. Free Doctor of Ministry. Perfect verbal score on the GRE.
But no matter how well I do in the "smartest" category, that seven-year-old is still in there asking if I'm pretty. She is so persistent that in every serious relationship I've had, once I trusted him completely, I had to sheepishly ask my partner if he thought I was pretty. Usually he has said yes. Sometimes he has even told me how beautiful I am, unprovoked. But there's a silent understanding that it's not my strong suit, and that if you really like me, it's probably for reasons other than appearance.
I have wondered often, over the years, what caused my mom to make that pointed remark. Mom has been gone for almost thirteen years now, so I can't ask her. But with my own daughter now six, I think I know. She wanted me to estimate myself far beyond whatever value society might place on my beauty. She wanted me to invest in myself in ways that would not necessarily be physically apparent. But in doing so, she also created a little quagmire that sucks in bottomless amounts of attention and reassurance.
So last night, as little Vicki wanted to snuggle on my lap, I held my lips against the side of her forehead and whispered, "You're so beautiful." Tomorrow, it might be, "My God, you're brilliant." And the next day, "You cannot control anyone but yourself." They are all true, and however she chooses to define herself - whatever competition she decides to throw her hat into - I want her to know that she has the internal resources to win at being her best self. Always.
With those words, my mother laid the cornerstone on the foundation of my personality. It has been both exceptionally sturdy and also very weak. (I am large, I contain multitudes.)
I was standing in the downstairs bathroom, the one with the little statue of W.C. Fields. I was probably seven. I was observing a ritual that had been repeated thousands of times already in my short life: standing next to the sink, watching Mom put on her eyeliner. We were late for church, and I knew that we would go in the side door on 10th Street and go through the library and slip into the back pew.
I had asked Mom a question that was so seemingly benign and innocuous. It was one that I have imagined every little girl asks at some point. "Mom, do you think I'm pretty?"
In the last six years I have spent a lot of time drinking in the beauty of my own two children. I know how you stare at the curve of her cheek or admire his gait. I know how every mother sees her child as the most gorgeous thing imaginable, and how you think to yourself, "If they resemble me at all, in appearance or personality, then I am more beautiful than I thought." So now, I know what my mom was thinking. But standing at the sink, she contemplated the question for so long that I thought she probably hadn't heard me. I was about to ask again when she simultaneously deflated me and fed my arrogance with her straightforward statement.
And thus my course was set. I removed myself from the "prettiest girl in the room" competition and set my sights on "smartest." By anyone's estimation, I did very well. National Merit Scholar Finalist. Ivy League (where I also found out that I wasn't, actually, the smartest girl in the room). Turner Scholar. Lewis Fellow. Free Doctor of Ministry. Perfect verbal score on the GRE.
But no matter how well I do in the "smartest" category, that seven-year-old is still in there asking if I'm pretty. She is so persistent that in every serious relationship I've had, once I trusted him completely, I had to sheepishly ask my partner if he thought I was pretty. Usually he has said yes. Sometimes he has even told me how beautiful I am, unprovoked. But there's a silent understanding that it's not my strong suit, and that if you really like me, it's probably for reasons other than appearance.
I have wondered often, over the years, what caused my mom to make that pointed remark. Mom has been gone for almost thirteen years now, so I can't ask her. But with my own daughter now six, I think I know. She wanted me to estimate myself far beyond whatever value society might place on my beauty. She wanted me to invest in myself in ways that would not necessarily be physically apparent. But in doing so, she also created a little quagmire that sucks in bottomless amounts of attention and reassurance.
So last night, as little Vicki wanted to snuggle on my lap, I held my lips against the side of her forehead and whispered, "You're so beautiful." Tomorrow, it might be, "My God, you're brilliant." And the next day, "You cannot control anyone but yourself." They are all true, and however she chooses to define herself - whatever competition she decides to throw her hat into - I want her to know that she has the internal resources to win at being her best self. Always.
Thursday, January 5, 2017
a day in the life
I'm back! I found this entry that I never published from last March (the 22nd, to be exact), and it really got me thinking. I find it hilarious that I never made it past 12:50. A bunch of stuff has changed in the last nine months (I didn't end up moving appointments, for example, and Jeff is out of the halfway house and doing awesome - he just got his one-year sobriety chip), but the hectic pace is still the same. It's really very telling that I could only keep up with cataloging what I do until early afternoon.
I just got back from a little vacation to visit my best friend outside San Francisco. One of the things I love most about spending time visiting with him is how slow and simple life is. We linger over coffee in the morning. We walk the dog in a great big loop. We have time and space to just talk about ideas. I spend all day shopping for and fixing dinner. And it's so, so not how my life is every day. I don't know if I would like my life to be that open and simple all the time (and I don't really get much of a choice, anyway), but it makes for a perfect place to reflect and get my mental life in order.
I love these kinds of zoom-in posts to see what the warp and weft and weave of the fabric of a person's life is like. Forgive me if you just don't care that much, but I thought some of you might find it kind of amusing.
***************************************************************************
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
7:15 - we wake up late. Todd has his allergy-induced coughing this time of year, so he kept me up a lot of the night after coming to sleep with me at about 11:30. The dog is tucked tightly into my armpit on the other side. I love this feeling of being pinned between two warm little lumps who love me.
8:20 - after showering, getting the kids dressed, fixing them six hundred different things for breakfast, realizing I'm slightly hungover after I had three drinks and no dinner at this storytelling thing (don't worry, my senior pastor drove!) for my birthday last night, eating some homemade granola, and forgetting to take the dog out, we pile in the car.
8:30 - we pick up my ex-husband at the halfway house where he is living.
8:50 - we drop the kids off at their preschool.
9:00 - I drop Jeff off at a Burger King so he can meet his boss and go work for the day.
9:05 - I call my attorney to discuss the eventuality of my moving and needing to renegotiate our custody agreement.
9:15 - I walk into church, wave at everyone, finish the call with the attorney, and answer emails and texts for awhile.
9:30 - I'm interrupted by a few folks needing bus passes and food bags. No big deal.
9:45 - time for chapel with the daycare kids! I go to the Sanctuary and meet them, light candles, tell the Easter story, sing a few songs, pray, and answer some of their very thoughtful questions about why we have purple in the Sanctuary right now (Lent), why where are so many crosses in there, why there is a screen behind the cross (vents for the organ speakers), and why we light candles.
10:00 - I come back to see that the Moroccan woman who doesn't speak any English and is being divorced by her husband and has no recourse or resources is back speaking with the Senior Pastor. She has been in a lot lately, and we have no idea what to do about her situation. I remember that the son of some congregants is fluent in Arabic and try to reach him.
10:15 - edits, edits, edits. This is Holy Week, plus there is a funeral today, so there are a million things to proof and edit. Early and late service bulletins for Sunday, funeral order of worship, Good Friday bulletin, children's bulletins for Sunday. I also miraculously find the Easter offering envelopes that I thought I was going to have to sell my soul for at some Christian bookstore this week.
10:20 - the family of the deceased for the funeral later is here and setting things up for the visitation to follow, and I have to text the custodian a bunch to get things squared away with them. They set up a chocolate candy bar display that looks, frankly, phenomenal.
10:25 - interrupted by some more folks needing bus passes and food bags. They need to get down to Metro General Hospital for some appointments.
11:00 - I realize that I need to eat before leading the Madison Homelessness Commission meeting at one. I also need to call another District Superintendent about a possible move. Multitask. Panera sounds good. On my way out, I notice that the Moroccan divorcee is gone. I also remember that I haven't brushed my teeth yet today, but I did pack my toothbrush and a little travel paste in my bag this morning. After lunch then.
11:20 - I talk to the DS. I remember that I need to text my mother-in-law and tell her I left Todd's medicines in the preschool office when she picks him up later for his sleepover. I order French onion soup, a veggie sandwich, chips, and water. I get out a book like I'm going to do some reading for my D.Min. program, all studious, but then I just Facebook the whole time I'm eating.
12:30 - I get back to church. The office volunteer tells me about a man to whom she gave a food bag. I realize I need to move the Homelessness Coalition meeting from the gym to the library. I contemplate a third cup of coffee and decide to live dangerously. I brush my teeth first though. Then I give some thought to how I'm going to lead this meeting.
12:50 - I remember to starting downloading the episode of "GIRLS" I'm going to watch tonight on my iPad after bedtime.
I just got back from a little vacation to visit my best friend outside San Francisco. One of the things I love most about spending time visiting with him is how slow and simple life is. We linger over coffee in the morning. We walk the dog in a great big loop. We have time and space to just talk about ideas. I spend all day shopping for and fixing dinner. And it's so, so not how my life is every day. I don't know if I would like my life to be that open and simple all the time (and I don't really get much of a choice, anyway), but it makes for a perfect place to reflect and get my mental life in order.
I love these kinds of zoom-in posts to see what the warp and weft and weave of the fabric of a person's life is like. Forgive me if you just don't care that much, but I thought some of you might find it kind of amusing.
***************************************************************************
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
7:15 - we wake up late. Todd has his allergy-induced coughing this time of year, so he kept me up a lot of the night after coming to sleep with me at about 11:30. The dog is tucked tightly into my armpit on the other side. I love this feeling of being pinned between two warm little lumps who love me.
8:20 - after showering, getting the kids dressed, fixing them six hundred different things for breakfast, realizing I'm slightly hungover after I had three drinks and no dinner at this storytelling thing (don't worry, my senior pastor drove!) for my birthday last night, eating some homemade granola, and forgetting to take the dog out, we pile in the car.
8:30 - we pick up my ex-husband at the halfway house where he is living.
8:50 - we drop the kids off at their preschool.
9:00 - I drop Jeff off at a Burger King so he can meet his boss and go work for the day.
9:05 - I call my attorney to discuss the eventuality of my moving and needing to renegotiate our custody agreement.
9:15 - I walk into church, wave at everyone, finish the call with the attorney, and answer emails and texts for awhile.
9:30 - I'm interrupted by a few folks needing bus passes and food bags. No big deal.
9:45 - time for chapel with the daycare kids! I go to the Sanctuary and meet them, light candles, tell the Easter story, sing a few songs, pray, and answer some of their very thoughtful questions about why we have purple in the Sanctuary right now (Lent), why where are so many crosses in there, why there is a screen behind the cross (vents for the organ speakers), and why we light candles.
10:00 - I come back to see that the Moroccan woman who doesn't speak any English and is being divorced by her husband and has no recourse or resources is back speaking with the Senior Pastor. She has been in a lot lately, and we have no idea what to do about her situation. I remember that the son of some congregants is fluent in Arabic and try to reach him.
10:15 - edits, edits, edits. This is Holy Week, plus there is a funeral today, so there are a million things to proof and edit. Early and late service bulletins for Sunday, funeral order of worship, Good Friday bulletin, children's bulletins for Sunday. I also miraculously find the Easter offering envelopes that I thought I was going to have to sell my soul for at some Christian bookstore this week.
10:20 - the family of the deceased for the funeral later is here and setting things up for the visitation to follow, and I have to text the custodian a bunch to get things squared away with them. They set up a chocolate candy bar display that looks, frankly, phenomenal.
10:25 - interrupted by some more folks needing bus passes and food bags. They need to get down to Metro General Hospital for some appointments.
11:00 - I realize that I need to eat before leading the Madison Homelessness Commission meeting at one. I also need to call another District Superintendent about a possible move. Multitask. Panera sounds good. On my way out, I notice that the Moroccan divorcee is gone. I also remember that I haven't brushed my teeth yet today, but I did pack my toothbrush and a little travel paste in my bag this morning. After lunch then.
11:20 - I talk to the DS. I remember that I need to text my mother-in-law and tell her I left Todd's medicines in the preschool office when she picks him up later for his sleepover. I order French onion soup, a veggie sandwich, chips, and water. I get out a book like I'm going to do some reading for my D.Min. program, all studious, but then I just Facebook the whole time I'm eating.
12:30 - I get back to church. The office volunteer tells me about a man to whom she gave a food bag. I realize I need to move the Homelessness Coalition meeting from the gym to the library. I contemplate a third cup of coffee and decide to live dangerously. I brush my teeth first though. Then I give some thought to how I'm going to lead this meeting.
12:50 - I remember to starting downloading the episode of "GIRLS" I'm going to watch tonight on my iPad after bedtime.
Monday, March 16, 2015
todd: 22 months
Not much to say about my sweet boy this month. He talks and talks. He loves to sit on the couch surrounded by a stack of books and "read." I think he might be ready to lose the diaper, and I'm dreading that . . . Here are some pictures!
He loved the ice storm until he went sledding down our street and got an ice burn on his hand. Then it was over.
Isn't this precious!? He loves his "candals," as he calls them.
He was my +1 at a clergy spiritual retreat - we went down for the evening and introduced him to everyone.
Bookworm life! This makes me so indescribably happy. My kids won't travel anywhere without at least two books apiece.
Monday, March 2, 2015
vicki jo: 3 years and 11 months
Oh man. Is there some kind of terrible developmental phase right now? My child is pretty much insane. But I'll just leave this series of pictures here because she is still pretty cute. (Thanks, God/Nature, for making children so adorable - so our hearts are softened when they try us so sorely!)
Here we are on a really great field trip with the Encore Class to Radnor Lake. They were studying "animal architecture," and that's a beaver lodge you see in the background! Vicki threw an enormous fit and didn't want to walk up the hill. It was really fun for everyone.
Lol at Todd in this picture. This was at an event at Kings Daughters just before Valentine's Day. They made some special valentines for family.
This might just be like the most heartwarming thing ever. The kids have started to occasionally enjoy going into their room together, shutting the door, and reading on the bed. I peeked in and snapped the picture right before Todd told me to shut the door and leave them alone.
Eating icicles during Nashville Icepocalypse 2015. The Donald hat is also a favorite.
I call this one "Selfie with exhausted mother in the background."
Can't believe it's just one month until she's four! I better get started planning that party . . .
Monday, February 2, 2015
vicki jo: 3 years and 10 months
Not too many updates on my sweetest girl this month. She is rocking and rolling. She is wheeling and dealing. Her newest thing is fast-forwarding through certain segments of her beloved "Mickey Mouse Clubhouse" (the "Mouseketools," for those of you who are in the know), because she says they are "disgusting." That cracked me up. Maybe you had to be there.
Showing Bubba how to get Mickey on the iPad while snuggled up on the couch.
They have been obsessed and begging to go in the carts with cars at Kroger. Mostly so they can swipe candy from the low shelves when I'm not looking.
This is about as much snow as we ever get in Nashville! But we enjoyed the crap out of it and even made some snowballs.
She had her second hostess day at Encore. Grandma went with her this time since I was all tied up with my D.Min. program. She loved it. We also made frozen bananas dipped in chocolate for the snack!
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
want/need/wear/read
My kids get so much stuff for Christmas. Like - so much stuff. They have very doting grandparents, great-grandparents, friends, and teachers. I really have not felt like there was much I could do to compete with that, and in fact, for their birthdays and Christmases so far, I've not really gotten them anything! I will make whatever food they want on their special days, but I leave the material gift-giving to the professionals.
I started to feel a little guilty about this, though, and decided I would try out a strategy I'd heard about from friends: give them four types of presents.
1) Something they want.
2) Something they need.
3) Something to wear.
4) Something to read.
So, how did Christmas 2014 stack up?
I think it went pretty well! I decided to hand-make what I could, given my time constraints.
I knit Vicki a pair of soft socks in her favorite color (purple!) - so there is #3 for her. And Todd needed a cross-stitched cuff for his stocking, so there is his #2.
Here are the finished products! I'm really happy with them, and I'm glad I decided to stitch Todd's present, as I'd forgotten how enjoyable counted cross-stitch can be.
I also went to a local kids' gift store and bought a few items for them.
Here's the array: a got them each a few Schleich animals, which are my favorite. I got Todd a little Euro-style race car. Vicki got some new triangular crayons. One book for each of them. They each got a few of their favorite beautiful satsumas. You can see Vicki's socks and Todd's stocking topper here. Not pictured is another gift I gave to Vicki earlier in the week. She had been begging for a pink Thermos cup and soup container every time we went to Target. So I got them for her.
You can also see the hand-quilted and -stitched stocking my own grandmother made for me ("I Love Christmas"). I gave myself a couple of oranges too. :)
In years to come, I intend to knit and felt a Christmas stocking for each of them, cross-stitch Vicki a stocking cuff as well, and stitch the cuffs onto the stockings. But all that can wait until next year at least.
So, here's how it all broke out:
1) Something they want: Thermos cup and container for Vicki, race car for Todd.
2) Something they need: crayons for Vicki, stocking cuff for Todd.
3) Something to wear: socks for Vicki, didn't get around to this for Todd! Fail.
4) Something to read: a simple Christmas-related book for each of them.
They have really loved all of this, in addition to the many others toys and treats they have received. Funny enough, the thing they have loved playing with the most is our nativity! They like keeping the wise men far away and then moving them a bit closer each day until Epiphany. They also loved putting baby Jesus in the manger on Christmas Eve after church. I love how this set is wooden and durable, and I don't mind at all if they want to play with it! In fact, my heart just delights in hearing Todd lisp, "Baby Jesus!"
How have you approached gift-giving in your family?
I started to feel a little guilty about this, though, and decided I would try out a strategy I'd heard about from friends: give them four types of presents.
1) Something they want.
2) Something they need.
3) Something to wear.
4) Something to read.
So, how did Christmas 2014 stack up?
I think it went pretty well! I decided to hand-make what I could, given my time constraints.
I knit Vicki a pair of soft socks in her favorite color (purple!) - so there is #3 for her. And Todd needed a cross-stitched cuff for his stocking, so there is his #2.
Here are the finished products! I'm really happy with them, and I'm glad I decided to stitch Todd's present, as I'd forgotten how enjoyable counted cross-stitch can be.
I also went to a local kids' gift store and bought a few items for them.
Here's the array: a got them each a few Schleich animals, which are my favorite. I got Todd a little Euro-style race car. Vicki got some new triangular crayons. One book for each of them. They each got a few of their favorite beautiful satsumas. You can see Vicki's socks and Todd's stocking topper here. Not pictured is another gift I gave to Vicki earlier in the week. She had been begging for a pink Thermos cup and soup container every time we went to Target. So I got them for her.
You can also see the hand-quilted and -stitched stocking my own grandmother made for me ("I Love Christmas"). I gave myself a couple of oranges too. :)
In years to come, I intend to knit and felt a Christmas stocking for each of them, cross-stitch Vicki a stocking cuff as well, and stitch the cuffs onto the stockings. But all that can wait until next year at least.
So, here's how it all broke out:
1) Something they want: Thermos cup and container for Vicki, race car for Todd.
2) Something they need: crayons for Vicki, stocking cuff for Todd.
3) Something to wear: socks for Vicki, didn't get around to this for Todd! Fail.
4) Something to read: a simple Christmas-related book for each of them.
They have really loved all of this, in addition to the many others toys and treats they have received. Funny enough, the thing they have loved playing with the most is our nativity! They like keeping the wise men far away and then moving them a bit closer each day until Epiphany. They also loved putting baby Jesus in the manger on Christmas Eve after church. I love how this set is wooden and durable, and I don't mind at all if they want to play with it! In fact, my heart just delights in hearing Todd lisp, "Baby Jesus!"
How have you approached gift-giving in your family?
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
todd: 19 months
Well, he's officially not "baby Todd" anymore. I was worried the poor guy was going to be called baby Todd until he went to college. Now, thanks to Vicki Jo's deep, deep obsession with Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, he is called "Toodles." If you don't know what I'm talking about, please just count yourself lucky. Here's what Todd's been up to this last month:
He's really into spinning around and around until he falls down like a drunkard. Here he is showcasing his skills at the ice cream shop.
The poor, poor dog. Sweet pup is the longest-suffering member of our family, by far.
He did really well on our long car trip to my sister's, then to Chicago area for a wedding, then back home. This is in a rest stop in Indiana somewhere.
At my sister's he experienced real snow for the first time! This is one of my complaints about Nashville - no winter. Playing in the snow was a quintessential element of my Kansas childhood, so I'm glad they could do it, if just for one day.
Giving his Christmas jammies a spin, in preparation for Christmas Eve. :)
He is also talking like crazy. I was fully prepared for him to take longer to talk a lot, as Vicki is unusually loquacious and boys typically take longer. But nope - he's jabbering up a storm. "Read book," "no puppy," "big car," and other phrases are his recent additions.
He's really into spinning around and around until he falls down like a drunkard. Here he is showcasing his skills at the ice cream shop.
The poor, poor dog. Sweet pup is the longest-suffering member of our family, by far.
His favorite lounging position for a stroll. He and Vicki both also insist on taking along a drink for every walk and car ride. So funny because their dad has always done the same thing.
He did really well on our long car trip to my sister's, then to Chicago area for a wedding, then back home. This is in a rest stop in Indiana somewhere.
At my sister's he experienced real snow for the first time! This is one of my complaints about Nashville - no winter. Playing in the snow was a quintessential element of my Kansas childhood, so I'm glad they could do it, if just for one day.
Giving his Christmas jammies a spin, in preparation for Christmas Eve. :)
He is also talking like crazy. I was fully prepared for him to take longer to talk a lot, as Vicki is unusually loquacious and boys typically take longer. But nope - he's jabbering up a storm. "Read book," "no puppy," "big car," and other phrases are his recent additions.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
vicki jo: 3 years and 8 months
Today, Vicki adds another month to her life. Baby girl is not such a baby anymore. As we think through our school decisions for the year(s) to come, I'm reminded that she is growing every day. Here's what the last month held:
Getting a ridiculously bad bang trim. Uhhh . . . sorry kid, hairstyling ain't Mom's forte!
Going on a field trip to TPAC with her Encore class to see a play, then having lunch downtown with me. I'm so happy that she loves urban centers as much as I do . . . (hey Vicki, remember you're a legacy to Columbia!)
Dancing her face off at Julianne and Parth's wedding, until someone stepped on her foot and it was all over. She also got to see her old friend Remy, which was amazing. They remembered each other like it was yesterday.
Getting too grown to ride in the stroller anymore. Until she gets tired.
Verrrry occasionally taking a nap at the same time as her brother. Like blue-moon frequency.
Getting some super-sweet new kicks from her cousin Sloane.
Also spending Thanksgiving with her Aunt Nelle, Uncle Matt, and cousins Sloane and Elliott. I always wish my sister and I lived closer together so our kids could hang out all the time.
Being my super-helper with Bubba on our 8-hour drive home from the wedding. (Thank God for good weather and rest areas with playgrounds!)
Enjoying the climbing wall at Izzy and Jamie's house, down the road from Memaw's.
Isn't she lovely!?
Friday, November 14, 2014
todd: 18 months
On November 16, Todd will be 1 1/2 years old! Where has the time gone? He is such a delightful child. Always smiling, always bringing joy wherever he goes. Here is what he has been doing:
Absolutely loving the new playhouse his Memaw got for him and sis.
Always wanting to ride the "ho-see" as we leave Vicki at her Encore program.
Still rear-facing! And being a super-cute blondie.
Being lobster man for Halloween.
Enjoying a visit from Mom at the Stone Soup luncheon at his daycare.
Helping me get ready for a King's Daughters banquet.
Being obsessed with going jogging, and the stroller in general.
Making a pallet to post up with sis on the floor and watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.
18 months is such a great age. I'm enjoying every minute of it, as he grows, adds words and phrases by the day, and learns more independence.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
my children aren't "exclusive"
Parenting these days isn't for the faint of heart. At least for those who have the internet at their disposal from the first moment they see two lines on the stick, through the late nights up with the newborn, to the late nights up with the toddler, to the late nights up waiting on the teenager . . . wait, do I sense a theme? :)
Parents who didn't have the advantage of Google and 3780340 parenting books seemed to have a lot more peace of mind. Perhaps they didn't know they were making such monstrous mistakes as not feeding their kids all organic home-pureed baby food.
Kids these days have to be "exclusively" everything, if they want a chance at success. It starts with birth. Exclusive medication-free, of course. Wait, I failed that one. I had a half-dose of some dope that gave me amazing hallucinations during Vicki's birth. Then, with Todd, well - no chance for any medication although I would have traded my left brain for some at one point. Nope, my kids weren't exclusively free of medications at birth.
After birth comes vaccinations. We have neither followed a standard vaccination schedule, nor refused to vaccinate. Wait - you mean there's another option than being exclusively pro or anti vaccine!?
Let's not forget cloth diapers. Well, except for all those times I've used disposable diapers. Then we can forget them. But hey, every time I use a cloth diaper, it's one less disposable in the landfill, right?
Next - exclusively breast-fed, naturally. Except that didn't quite work out for me either. I nursed them both as much as I could (and still nurse Todd), and recognized that they wouldn't die from being fed formula the rest of the time. No exclusivity for my combo-fed babies.
Then the sleep training debacle. Of course, you're either spoiling your kids and defiling your marriage by letting your kids sleep in your bed, or you're abusing your kids by letting them cry in their cribs at night while you pee by yourself for once in your life. No middle ground here either. Exclusively attachment parenting or cry-it-out. Well, I failed on that one too. My babies sleep with me all the time, except for when Vicki started sleeping by herself when she was six months and she cried a bunch. Then she slept through the night. Looks like I failed to be consistent on this point, as well.
When your kids start eating real food, you are bombarded by more alarmist messages: If you feed them before six months they will be obese! If you feed them non-organic food they will get autism! The doctor is telling you to give them gruel with no nutritive value that looks awful. Once again - I was never able to achieve anything exclusive. I was the weirdo who pureed coconut oil and chicken stock and homemade yogurt into squash and took it to my kids' daycare. But I also let them eat my fries soaked in GMO canola oil. Nope - life is too short to ever leave a French fry behind.
And now that we are through all those hurdles, the lack of exclusivity continues. Sometimes I yell at my kids. Mostly I try to hug them. Very occasionally they get spanked. I guess this disqualified me from the ranks of the attachment parenting people. But I also don't discipline them with rods and crazy Biblical teachings, either, so I guess I can't be a part of the Train Up a Child community.
There will be more crossroads in the future. Someday my kids will choose gender identities and sexual orientations. I have no idea if they will be exclusively gay or straight. And that's totally cool with me. Someday, perhaps, they will choose partners - and I'm sure I will neither love nor hate those people, but have extremely nuanced feelings about them.
See, life isn't about exclusivity. I hope the one message they are seeing from me, through all of this, is that life is messy and complicated. People who have doctrinaire stances on these issues are setting themselves and their kids up for hard re-actions. There isn't much I can be sure of.
But there is one thing. My children are exclusively loved and protected by God. They are exclusively inhabited by the Holy Spirit, and held by a community of faith. God's love for them is perfect and God needs no Google or manual to show how to love children. So I'm leaving it up to him. Because obviously I can't get it right! And I've really quit trying to be so perfect.
 |
| The kids on a pallet watching TV - oh wait, that was something else they weren't supposed to do, right? |
Seriously, though - it is just way too easy to ask Google: "Am I a bad parent?" "How do I get the baby to sleep?" "I yelled at my toddler is she ruined forever?"
Parents who didn't have the advantage of Google and 3780340 parenting books seemed to have a lot more peace of mind. Perhaps they didn't know they were making such monstrous mistakes as not feeding their kids all organic home-pureed baby food.
Kids these days have to be "exclusively" everything, if they want a chance at success. It starts with birth. Exclusive medication-free, of course. Wait, I failed that one. I had a half-dose of some dope that gave me amazing hallucinations during Vicki's birth. Then, with Todd, well - no chance for any medication although I would have traded my left brain for some at one point. Nope, my kids weren't exclusively free of medications at birth.
After birth comes vaccinations. We have neither followed a standard vaccination schedule, nor refused to vaccinate. Wait - you mean there's another option than being exclusively pro or anti vaccine!?
Let's not forget cloth diapers. Well, except for all those times I've used disposable diapers. Then we can forget them. But hey, every time I use a cloth diaper, it's one less disposable in the landfill, right?
Next - exclusively breast-fed, naturally. Except that didn't quite work out for me either. I nursed them both as much as I could (and still nurse Todd), and recognized that they wouldn't die from being fed formula the rest of the time. No exclusivity for my combo-fed babies.
Then the sleep training debacle. Of course, you're either spoiling your kids and defiling your marriage by letting your kids sleep in your bed, or you're abusing your kids by letting them cry in their cribs at night while you pee by yourself for once in your life. No middle ground here either. Exclusively attachment parenting or cry-it-out. Well, I failed on that one too. My babies sleep with me all the time, except for when Vicki started sleeping by herself when she was six months and she cried a bunch. Then she slept through the night. Looks like I failed to be consistent on this point, as well.
When your kids start eating real food, you are bombarded by more alarmist messages: If you feed them before six months they will be obese! If you feed them non-organic food they will get autism! The doctor is telling you to give them gruel with no nutritive value that looks awful. Once again - I was never able to achieve anything exclusive. I was the weirdo who pureed coconut oil and chicken stock and homemade yogurt into squash and took it to my kids' daycare. But I also let them eat my fries soaked in GMO canola oil. Nope - life is too short to ever leave a French fry behind.
And now that we are through all those hurdles, the lack of exclusivity continues. Sometimes I yell at my kids. Mostly I try to hug them. Very occasionally they get spanked. I guess this disqualified me from the ranks of the attachment parenting people. But I also don't discipline them with rods and crazy Biblical teachings, either, so I guess I can't be a part of the Train Up a Child community.
There will be more crossroads in the future. Someday my kids will choose gender identities and sexual orientations. I have no idea if they will be exclusively gay or straight. And that's totally cool with me. Someday, perhaps, they will choose partners - and I'm sure I will neither love nor hate those people, but have extremely nuanced feelings about them.
See, life isn't about exclusivity. I hope the one message they are seeing from me, through all of this, is that life is messy and complicated. People who have doctrinaire stances on these issues are setting themselves and their kids up for hard re-actions. There isn't much I can be sure of.
But there is one thing. My children are exclusively loved and protected by God. They are exclusively inhabited by the Holy Spirit, and held by a community of faith. God's love for them is perfect and God needs no Google or manual to show how to love children. So I'm leaving it up to him. Because obviously I can't get it right! And I've really quit trying to be so perfect.
Sunday, November 2, 2014
vicki jo: 3 years + 7 months
On November 2, Vicki Jo adds 7 months to her 3 years. Here is what she is up to:
Finishing up her soccer season. It couldn't end soon enough for her.
Being exceptionally sassy. (Including getting in trouble for disobedience in both her schools. Ugh. I had similar issues and I'm afraid history is repeating itself.)
Demanding pancakes for breakfast every morning. She and Todd also demand toeat all the batter help.
Really enjoying her Encore program. Except when she won't listen to her teacher (see above).
Playing a game called "I have a secret," in which her secret is always "I love you." (Heartmelt!)
Sitting all the way through church with grandma (or occasionally up front with me) until Children's Sermon and Children's Church!
Having her second-ever dental cleaning - no cavities! Although the dentist was "concerned about how close her teeth are together." Boo for future orthodontics.
Wanting to be "a bad witch who eats people" for Halloween. I was somewhat disturbed by this, obviously, and told her that witches don't eat people. She told me the witch in Hansel and Gretel tried to eat them. I hate when she's right all the time!
Running outside to get in a few quick swings as I get Todd into his car seat.
Sleeping all piled up with her brother. Thinking of moving them into their own bed soon, or maybe bunks?
Being my sweet girl.
Finishing up her soccer season. It couldn't end soon enough for her.
Being exceptionally sassy. (Including getting in trouble for disobedience in both her schools. Ugh. I had similar issues and I'm afraid history is repeating itself.)
Demanding pancakes for breakfast every morning. She and Todd also demand to
Really enjoying her Encore program. Except when she won't listen to her teacher (see above).
Playing a game called "I have a secret," in which her secret is always "I love you." (Heartmelt!)
Sitting all the way through church with grandma (or occasionally up front with me) until Children's Sermon and Children's Church!
Having her second-ever dental cleaning - no cavities! Although the dentist was "concerned about how close her teeth are together." Boo for future orthodontics.
Wanting to be "a bad witch who eats people" for Halloween. I was somewhat disturbed by this, obviously, and told her that witches don't eat people. She told me the witch in Hansel and Gretel tried to eat them. I hate when she's right all the time!
Running outside to get in a few quick swings as I get Todd into his car seat.
Sleeping all piled up with her brother. Thinking of moving them into their own bed soon, or maybe bunks?
Being my sweet girl.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
the belly of the beast
This is part 3 of a 4-part series on decisions that I face in how my daughter's education will unfold. You can find part 1 here, in which I discuss a great preschool enrichment program she's attending; part 2 is here, in which I discuss my ambivalence about homeschooling.
In this segment, I will discuss the public school options that we have. There are a ton. Metro Nashville Public Schools (MNPS) has a byzantine system sprawling throughout Davidson County. It's a far cry from the neat, excellent public schools I attended as a girl. Lawrence has a variety of factors that give rise to its great schools - a major university in the center of town, no competition from private or parochial schools (the word "charter" is still unheard of there), a real estate tax base that can be equitably carved up so that funding can be roughly the same for all schools. A lot of it really boils down to: it's a small enough community that it can be managed pretty easily. MNPS, on the other hand, is gigantic. In 2011-2012, MNPS served 77,617 students. By comparison, my hometown school district serves ~11,000.
So, here are the viable paths that we can take for Vicki Jo (that I know of at this point - one of the issues with MNPS that I've found is that you have to really educate yourself thoroughly on your options. No one is going to be calling you telling you about choices you have for your family):
1) Lockeland Design Center. This school is by far the closest to our home (literally, Google Maps tells me it is .2 miles). We can walk there in under five minutes. It is an amazing school. It is ranking in the top performing elementary schools in the state of Tennessee right now. It's also a magnet, and an exceedingly popular one at that. Because it is designated as an optional school, we have to go through a lottery. We are in no way guaranteed a spot at this school. In fact, the lottery has become very selective in the last few years (because of massive increases in applications), so that only about 40% of children in our neighborhood who do not currently have a sibling attending there are getting spots in Kindergarten. Unless something changes about the zoning, I cannot count on LDC as a sure bet.
a) I have the additional decision to make of whether I should apply for Vicki Jo to enter Kindergarten early (fall of 2015). I have to make this decision fairly soon, because the lottery takes place around the turn of the year. She has gone through the necessary testing and been approved to do this, if the principal and I agree it's a good idea. We generally have to make application for the lottery by somewhere around December 1. I can't help but admit that the soaring popularity of the school is contributing to my thought that I might try to enroll her early. If we don't get in through the lottery, we can always try again for Kindergarten next year.
2) Warner Enhanced Option Elementary. Warner is our "school of zone." This means that we do nothing to enroll there except show up. Warner is a school that draws from a very integrated demographic, which is attractive to me. I love the idea of Vicki Jo experiencing education with people from different backgrounds. This school has also been making strides in terms of performance and testing. (Blech.) It's a bit larger than Lockeland (350 students vs. 305), and the school day is 45 minutes longer (this is what makes it an "enhanced option" school). There are a core of parents that are very dedicated to improving Warner, and I have to admit that it's a school that is growing on me. I need to tour. I like the idea of escaping the crazy stressful process that is the lottery.
a) I have the same decision to make about early admission to Kindergarten here as I do at Lockeland. The jury is still out on that one.
3) Hull-Jackson Montessori Magnet or Stanford Montessori Design Center. These are optional schools that require a lottery. We are not in the priority zone of the lottery for either of these schools, which makes acceptance a long shot (worse odds even than getting into Lockeland). The benefit of these schools: Montessori! I love the Montessori method and would love my children to be experiencing it. These schools use mixed-age classrooms and start enrolling at age 3. So, I applied through the lottery for Vicki Jo to go to both of these schools last year. At the end of all five of the lottery draws, we ended at numbers 31 and 7 on the wait lists, respectively. I will apply again for these school, but I will have to decide where they fall in priority, along with Lockeland. We can only make one application, and have to rank up to 7 choices on that application. A downside of either of these schools is that they are not in our neighborhood. They would entail a bit of a commute every day, which would be annoying. They also don't support our local community in the way that I would ideally like to.
(Are you feeling overwhelmed yet??)
4) Charters. There are a few options in our neighborhood, but I'm not interested. I don't think giving power to for-profit companies to increase school choice and effectiveness is the way forward. Especially when we have so many other viable options in our neighborhood and in our family's life.
5) Pre-K. MNPS has made a commitment to expanding their pre-K programs (which are defined as programs offered to children in the year before they start Kindergarten) so that all students will be able to attend free of charge. There are two pre-Ks that I'm interested in: Ross Early Learning Center and Warner Pre-K. Lockeland does not have a Pre-K. We very nearly went to Ross this year - we made application and were accepted and everything. But it ended up not being much cheaper for extended care than what we currently pay at King's Daughters. (The catch is that it is "free" for the school day - but if you need any care for your child beyond 8-3, you pay $70/week!). The difference between Ross and Warner Pre-Ks is that Ross is a freestanding center with multiple pre-K classrooms, while Warner is a Pre-K housed in an elementary school. The big benefit at Warner would be that if that ends up being Vicki's elementary school, she gets an added year for continuity and stability.
I feel completely exhausted just typing all of this. As I mentioned above, I had to pretty much dig up all this information on my own. I can't imagine that a parent with less luxury of time (because of working multiple jobs, being in service industries, etc) would have the ability to do this kind of research.
My bigger issue with all of this has to do with what is trending in public education, regardless of how "good" or selective the school. Longer class times, less teacher freedom, more testing (much more testing), less enrichment, less recess. Do I want my young child to jump right into all this? Vicki Jo will probably do fine, because she can sit still pretty well. But do I want Todd to jump into it at 5, and be labeled ADHD because he acts like a 5-year-old? These are the difficult questions. When I started Kindergarten in 1990, we went for half a day, and we still had a rest time. Those days are gone in our public schools. So what's a mom to do?
In this segment, I will discuss the public school options that we have. There are a ton. Metro Nashville Public Schools (MNPS) has a byzantine system sprawling throughout Davidson County. It's a far cry from the neat, excellent public schools I attended as a girl. Lawrence has a variety of factors that give rise to its great schools - a major university in the center of town, no competition from private or parochial schools (the word "charter" is still unheard of there), a real estate tax base that can be equitably carved up so that funding can be roughly the same for all schools. A lot of it really boils down to: it's a small enough community that it can be managed pretty easily. MNPS, on the other hand, is gigantic. In 2011-2012, MNPS served 77,617 students. By comparison, my hometown school district serves ~11,000.
So, here are the viable paths that we can take for Vicki Jo (that I know of at this point - one of the issues with MNPS that I've found is that you have to really educate yourself thoroughly on your options. No one is going to be calling you telling you about choices you have for your family):
1) Lockeland Design Center. This school is by far the closest to our home (literally, Google Maps tells me it is .2 miles). We can walk there in under five minutes. It is an amazing school. It is ranking in the top performing elementary schools in the state of Tennessee right now. It's also a magnet, and an exceedingly popular one at that. Because it is designated as an optional school, we have to go through a lottery. We are in no way guaranteed a spot at this school. In fact, the lottery has become very selective in the last few years (because of massive increases in applications), so that only about 40% of children in our neighborhood who do not currently have a sibling attending there are getting spots in Kindergarten. Unless something changes about the zoning, I cannot count on LDC as a sure bet.
a) I have the additional decision to make of whether I should apply for Vicki Jo to enter Kindergarten early (fall of 2015). I have to make this decision fairly soon, because the lottery takes place around the turn of the year. She has gone through the necessary testing and been approved to do this, if the principal and I agree it's a good idea. We generally have to make application for the lottery by somewhere around December 1. I can't help but admit that the soaring popularity of the school is contributing to my thought that I might try to enroll her early. If we don't get in through the lottery, we can always try again for Kindergarten next year.
2) Warner Enhanced Option Elementary. Warner is our "school of zone." This means that we do nothing to enroll there except show up. Warner is a school that draws from a very integrated demographic, which is attractive to me. I love the idea of Vicki Jo experiencing education with people from different backgrounds. This school has also been making strides in terms of performance and testing. (Blech.) It's a bit larger than Lockeland (350 students vs. 305), and the school day is 45 minutes longer (this is what makes it an "enhanced option" school). There are a core of parents that are very dedicated to improving Warner, and I have to admit that it's a school that is growing on me. I need to tour. I like the idea of escaping the crazy stressful process that is the lottery.
a) I have the same decision to make about early admission to Kindergarten here as I do at Lockeland. The jury is still out on that one.
3) Hull-Jackson Montessori Magnet or Stanford Montessori Design Center. These are optional schools that require a lottery. We are not in the priority zone of the lottery for either of these schools, which makes acceptance a long shot (worse odds even than getting into Lockeland). The benefit of these schools: Montessori! I love the Montessori method and would love my children to be experiencing it. These schools use mixed-age classrooms and start enrolling at age 3. So, I applied through the lottery for Vicki Jo to go to both of these schools last year. At the end of all five of the lottery draws, we ended at numbers 31 and 7 on the wait lists, respectively. I will apply again for these school, but I will have to decide where they fall in priority, along with Lockeland. We can only make one application, and have to rank up to 7 choices on that application. A downside of either of these schools is that they are not in our neighborhood. They would entail a bit of a commute every day, which would be annoying. They also don't support our local community in the way that I would ideally like to.
(Are you feeling overwhelmed yet??)
4) Charters. There are a few options in our neighborhood, but I'm not interested. I don't think giving power to for-profit companies to increase school choice and effectiveness is the way forward. Especially when we have so many other viable options in our neighborhood and in our family's life.
5) Pre-K. MNPS has made a commitment to expanding their pre-K programs (which are defined as programs offered to children in the year before they start Kindergarten) so that all students will be able to attend free of charge. There are two pre-Ks that I'm interested in: Ross Early Learning Center and Warner Pre-K. Lockeland does not have a Pre-K. We very nearly went to Ross this year - we made application and were accepted and everything. But it ended up not being much cheaper for extended care than what we currently pay at King's Daughters. (The catch is that it is "free" for the school day - but if you need any care for your child beyond 8-3, you pay $70/week!). The difference between Ross and Warner Pre-Ks is that Ross is a freestanding center with multiple pre-K classrooms, while Warner is a Pre-K housed in an elementary school. The big benefit at Warner would be that if that ends up being Vicki's elementary school, she gets an added year for continuity and stability.
I feel completely exhausted just typing all of this. As I mentioned above, I had to pretty much dig up all this information on my own. I can't imagine that a parent with less luxury of time (because of working multiple jobs, being in service industries, etc) would have the ability to do this kind of research.
My bigger issue with all of this has to do with what is trending in public education, regardless of how "good" or selective the school. Longer class times, less teacher freedom, more testing (much more testing), less enrichment, less recess. Do I want my young child to jump right into all this? Vicki Jo will probably do fine, because she can sit still pretty well. But do I want Todd to jump into it at 5, and be labeled ADHD because he acts like a 5-year-old? These are the difficult questions. When I started Kindergarten in 1990, we went for half a day, and we still had a rest time. Those days are gone in our public schools. So what's a mom to do?
Friday, September 26, 2014
denim skirt lady
This is part two in what I'm reckoning will be a four-part series on how on earth I plan on educating my daughter in this crazy world. See here for part one, in which I discuss the Encore enrichment program offered by our public school system.
Once upon a time, like many others, I thought homeschooling was kind of a quaint, fringe thing. If you had strong religious objections to what was taught in public school, or you lived waayyy out in the country and it didn't make sense to send your kids into town - that kind of thing. Basically, I thought all the homeschooling moms were the kind who wear denim skirts and grow their hair out long and kinda look like the scared FLDS women:
As in so many things in life - I was wrong. I first saw that homeschooling could be more mainstream when I read Ree Drummond's blog. Homeschool was discussed as a viable, normal choice for the first time for me in the playgroup I had with fellow Bradley birth moms after Vicki Jo was born. As I became more exposed to the Weston A. Price Foundation practices of diet and lifestyle, I heard more and more about homeschool families. There seems to be a large crossover between natural foods and medicine and homeschool, for whatever reason. Finally, after moving to Nashville and our church, I met several families who had successfully homeschooled their children. And not a denim skirt in sight. It's a choice that's growing in popularity in my neighborhood, and there seems to be a wealth of support. Co-ops, tutorials, fellow homeschool families. They are everywhere!
I have extremely ambivalent feelings about homeschooling my kids, and they center around three main concerns: (1) I feel duty as a conscientious citizen to support local public schools so that the community can benefit from the investment of my family's resources. (2) I may not be the best teacher for my kids. (3) The public schools in our area may not be the best fit for my kids.
1) I'm a proud product of excellent public schools. I have to say that I really didn't even understand the elite private school system in our country until I went to Columbia. It was so far removed from my reality. My hometown had no competitive private schools. There were a few parochial schools, but not even one that went through junior high at that point. Our schools worked well for a few reasons: there were not other drains on the system (no magnets, no private schools); the community was small enough that they could be funded by real estate taxes and have districts equitably divided to include high values in each school zone; there was a critical mass of invested families; and we did not have the historic issues that seem to plague many school systems since integration (for example, city/county school district mergers, or white flight to private "Christian" schools). I recognize that Metro Nashville Public Schools can only be as great as the families that are committed to them. I hear my teacher friends lamenting that there is "only so much" that can be done in the classroom. At the end of the day, the family really is the first and greatest teacher. If I opt out of that system, am I becoming part of the problem rather than solution?
2) I'm pretty sure that I'm not called to be a stay at home mom. (Although never say never!) I received a calling into ordained ministry before I received a calling as a parent, and they are equally relevant and demanding calls in my life. Of course, even without a ministerial appointment, I would remain an ordained pastor. But this is really an aside in the conversation. The point is that I am not a trained, qualified teacher. I did not go to school to learn pedagogy. I'm not knocking anyone who wants to teach their kids at home without these qualifications. But great teachers are called into teaching. I know this because some of my closest friends are amazing teachers and school administrators. And to put up with what they put up with - friends, it has to be a calling. I'm not sure that I have received that calling in life.
3) But let's counterbalance numbers 1 and 2 by saying that our particular public schools here in Nashville may not be the best for my kids. For instance, I hear a lot about recess (or the lack thereof) these days. I will address this much more in a later post on our public school options (because there are many), but I feel that plenty of outdoor play and exercise do much to enhance education. I'm concerned about the level of testing that is happening in all public schools. I'm not really sure what to make of Common Core (although I refuse to be alarmist about it - most of my teacher friends find it to be totally fine). I guess the bigger question is: does the issue of inequality in public schools get balanced on the backs of my children? All parents have to make that decision (although some have fewer choices). My social justice crusader side says: absolutely. My protective mother bear side says: nope.
So, clear as mud, right? Now you know how I feel! But when I entertain the option of homeschooling, there are several sort of "schools" that I'm attracted to. Montessori would be amazing (and God knows I could never afford to send my kids to the private Montessori schools around here) - but once again, I am not trained. And Montessori in particular is a pedagogy that requires precise training with the materials and philosophy involved. Oak Meadow curriculum is beautiful, soft, warm, and Waldorf-y. I have recently discovered Charlotte Mason and fallen in love with the talking points of her educational system. All of these streams of educational philosophy have dedicated followings and groups in my area.
The part of me that loves planning and filling out lists just want to dive straight into designing and executing curriculum for my kids. But being able to do that stuff doesn't necessarily make you a good teacher.
The good part is that I have time to decide. For now, I lurk around several homeschool Google groups and Facebook pages. I see what moms struggle with. There is even a beautiful community of single moms who are homeschooling and supporting one another. I have barely even touched here on the practical issues that homeschooling my kids would entail. Would they just come with me to the office? Would we all work together? Would I have them in some kind of childcare, and then do school in the evenings and on the weekends? There are many possibilities, but all of them present quite a bit of upstream swimming against our prevalent cultural model of the "school day."
One thing I'm not afraid of is being iconoclastic. I have already opted out of a lot of what society expects of me. But this is a decision that is much bigger than anyone's opinion. A helpful piece of advice I got early on in considering homeschooling was: "just take it one year at a time." I'm not deciding my kids' entire educational future if I do decide to homeschool. Food for thought.
Once upon a time, like many others, I thought homeschooling was kind of a quaint, fringe thing. If you had strong religious objections to what was taught in public school, or you lived waayyy out in the country and it didn't make sense to send your kids into town - that kind of thing. Basically, I thought all the homeschooling moms were the kind who wear denim skirts and grow their hair out long and kinda look like the scared FLDS women:
As in so many things in life - I was wrong. I first saw that homeschooling could be more mainstream when I read Ree Drummond's blog. Homeschool was discussed as a viable, normal choice for the first time for me in the playgroup I had with fellow Bradley birth moms after Vicki Jo was born. As I became more exposed to the Weston A. Price Foundation practices of diet and lifestyle, I heard more and more about homeschool families. There seems to be a large crossover between natural foods and medicine and homeschool, for whatever reason. Finally, after moving to Nashville and our church, I met several families who had successfully homeschooled their children. And not a denim skirt in sight. It's a choice that's growing in popularity in my neighborhood, and there seems to be a wealth of support. Co-ops, tutorials, fellow homeschool families. They are everywhere!
I have extremely ambivalent feelings about homeschooling my kids, and they center around three main concerns: (1) I feel duty as a conscientious citizen to support local public schools so that the community can benefit from the investment of my family's resources. (2) I may not be the best teacher for my kids. (3) The public schools in our area may not be the best fit for my kids.
1) I'm a proud product of excellent public schools. I have to say that I really didn't even understand the elite private school system in our country until I went to Columbia. It was so far removed from my reality. My hometown had no competitive private schools. There were a few parochial schools, but not even one that went through junior high at that point. Our schools worked well for a few reasons: there were not other drains on the system (no magnets, no private schools); the community was small enough that they could be funded by real estate taxes and have districts equitably divided to include high values in each school zone; there was a critical mass of invested families; and we did not have the historic issues that seem to plague many school systems since integration (for example, city/county school district mergers, or white flight to private "Christian" schools). I recognize that Metro Nashville Public Schools can only be as great as the families that are committed to them. I hear my teacher friends lamenting that there is "only so much" that can be done in the classroom. At the end of the day, the family really is the first and greatest teacher. If I opt out of that system, am I becoming part of the problem rather than solution?
2) I'm pretty sure that I'm not called to be a stay at home mom. (Although never say never!) I received a calling into ordained ministry before I received a calling as a parent, and they are equally relevant and demanding calls in my life. Of course, even without a ministerial appointment, I would remain an ordained pastor. But this is really an aside in the conversation. The point is that I am not a trained, qualified teacher. I did not go to school to learn pedagogy. I'm not knocking anyone who wants to teach their kids at home without these qualifications. But great teachers are called into teaching. I know this because some of my closest friends are amazing teachers and school administrators. And to put up with what they put up with - friends, it has to be a calling. I'm not sure that I have received that calling in life.
3) But let's counterbalance numbers 1 and 2 by saying that our particular public schools here in Nashville may not be the best for my kids. For instance, I hear a lot about recess (or the lack thereof) these days. I will address this much more in a later post on our public school options (because there are many), but I feel that plenty of outdoor play and exercise do much to enhance education. I'm concerned about the level of testing that is happening in all public schools. I'm not really sure what to make of Common Core (although I refuse to be alarmist about it - most of my teacher friends find it to be totally fine). I guess the bigger question is: does the issue of inequality in public schools get balanced on the backs of my children? All parents have to make that decision (although some have fewer choices). My social justice crusader side says: absolutely. My protective mother bear side says: nope.
So, clear as mud, right? Now you know how I feel! But when I entertain the option of homeschooling, there are several sort of "schools" that I'm attracted to. Montessori would be amazing (and God knows I could never afford to send my kids to the private Montessori schools around here) - but once again, I am not trained. And Montessori in particular is a pedagogy that requires precise training with the materials and philosophy involved. Oak Meadow curriculum is beautiful, soft, warm, and Waldorf-y. I have recently discovered Charlotte Mason and fallen in love with the talking points of her educational system. All of these streams of educational philosophy have dedicated followings and groups in my area.
The part of me that loves planning and filling out lists just want to dive straight into designing and executing curriculum for my kids. But being able to do that stuff doesn't necessarily make you a good teacher.
 |
| Thought this was interesting. |
One thing I'm not afraid of is being iconoclastic. I have already opted out of a lot of what society expects of me. But this is a decision that is much bigger than anyone's opinion. A helpful piece of advice I got early on in considering homeschooling was: "just take it one year at a time." I'm not deciding my kids' entire educational future if I do decide to homeschool. Food for thought.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)