Baby gear distraction (Advice Needed!)

Thanks to all who've asked how we've been doing. You are all so wonderful and kind! The babies are doing well (we assume), but are being a bit rough on sweet K. She's been dealing with morning sickness (yep she's knelt before the porcelain throne a few times), sensitivity to smells, food aversions, and a ravenous appetite! Although I wish K wasn't going through this, I have to admit that it gives me some reassurance that the babies are growing and thriving!

I've been okay. I'm worried that something bad will happen, but I'm trying not to play into those fears. I'm remaining optimistic that this will end with two healthy babies! So, instead of obsessing over fears I've begun to obsess over baby gear! I know it seems crazy that the girl who used to worry about jinxing myself went to BRU and USA Baby this weekend. Believe it or not I've found that throwing myself into baby gear consumer research to be a great distraction! I pulled out the Baby Bargains book and took it to the local bookstore to compare it to the 8th edition, which just came out, but it doesn't seem to have much new information (there haven't been car seat crash tests since 2007). Therefore, I'm sticking with the 7th edition that I already have. I bought this book while researching the best baby gear to buy while I was pregnant with Myles and have it littered with comments and sticky note tabs. I remember taking this book with me and spending hours at BRU while J repeatedly told me he was bored. It was hard to look back through my notes and to think about those days. I really miss my sweet little Myles and wish he was here to use the baby gear I bought for him.

The two baby gear items that I'm currently obsessing over are car seats and strollers. I have the Chicco Cortina travel system, which includes a Keyfit 22 and two bases. I LOVE this car seat and bought it based on its outstanding Consumer Reports safety ratings and the reviews it got by Baby Bargains book. It was listed as their "Top Pick" and was given an A. The other plus of the Keyfit car seat is that it holds babies as small as 4lbs and is the only infant car seat that can hold such small babies. Clearly this is something to consider when expecting twins. I am undecided if I will keep the carseat and just get another one, but I'm certain I will sell the stroller. My dilemma over the car seat has to do with the stroller. I need to purchase a double stroller (of course this is all assuming everything continues to go well) and Chicco doesn't make one that accomodates two infant car seats.

I have been reading rave reviews by twin parents regarding the Double Snap n Go by Bab.y Trends for use with infant car seats, but Chicco isn't a car seat that is listed as being compatible. I have talked to a couple of twin moms who've used Chicco car seats with the double snap n go, so I know it's possible. However, I worry that it might not fit perfectly and would be unsafe. I do know that Chicco is a relatively new brand, so it may be that the maker of the snap n go just hasn't tested it with their product and if they did it would be listed?! Per the suggestion of a sales rep at USA Baby I think I'll order the double Snap n Go, which isn't carried in any store, to take to the store to try out with two Chicco car seats.

It sounds like many twin parents liked the double Snap n Go for use with the infant car seats (it's inexpensive to boot) and then moved on to another stroller. Many raved about small side by side umbrella strollers like the Macleran Twin Techno, Inglesina Twin Swift, or Jeep Wrangler Twin Sport All-Weather Umbrella (all rated Top Picks by Baby Bargains). I like the idea of having the side by side when the babies get a little bigger, so they can see the world together rather than having to try to look over someone's head! I would LOVE to hear from other twin moms/dads your thoughts on double strollers and infant carseats. Please, please, please give me your advice and/or opinions!

Edited to add: I know it's way too early for me to be thinking about baby gear for twins because we could lose one (or both for that matter). I am not naive to the risks/stats, but I like the distraction and promised myself to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy. So, I'm doing just that ... I'm dreaming of what my life could be like next year with two babies!

*********************************

QUESTION @ Blog Design: Is anyone having a problem reading my blog? I had a comment from one reader that it appeared strange on her Blackberry (e.g., light colored text on a yellow background making it unreadable) and want to know if there are others experiencing the same thing. If so, I need to change it again!

Emotional teeter-totter

As I stated in a previous post I am trying to enjoy each day that K is expecting our baby(ies). My cousin, H, posted this quote as a comment and I think it's wonderful:

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles; it empties today if its strength."

I think that so many of us infertiles struggle with worrying on a daily basis (I know I do) and can use this reminder.

Now that I've said that I have to be honest with you--I am having somewhat of an emotional dilemma. I seem to be teetering between hope and fear. I am excited, hopeful, and optimistic (note the new pregnancy ticker). I dream, yet I still have those nagging fears that creep up. I think about how many other times we've been here and how we are still without a living child. It doesn't help that there are a few people IRL close to me who ever so kindly remind me of this fact (as if I've forgotten!). Yep, I have friends who "can't be excited for me yet" or don't really even congratulate us on the good news and they say it like they are reminding me that bad things can happen. I find this to be seriously annoying and hurtful because I know first-hand what kind of bad things can happen (5 miscarriages and a dead baby are my reality in case you forgot), yet I also know that good things can (and do) happen. So, I'm trying to balance this emotional teeter-totter. Clearly I can't rid my mind of my past experiences (or tell the nay-sayers to shut the hell up and let me enjoy the moment while it lasts), but I also know that I can believe that this time will be different! How do you balance the emotional teeter-totter?

Babyloss Mammas Are Survivors

"My Mom is a Survivor"
By Kaye Des'Ormeaux
(Dedicated to mothers who have lost a child
and have somehow survived.)

My Mom is a survivor, or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom, who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels protect me forevermore.
I know that doesn't help her... or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...and show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart that time won't ever heal.

I'm thinking of all of you who've loved and lost your babies. This weekend will be tough for all of us, but know that we are strong. We walk through life with a broken heart with only a memory of our babies to keep us going. We love our babies just as much as our friends and family who are fortunate to have their children with them here on Earth. Despite the "great sadness" that surrounds us we manage to forge ahead. It's not easy most days, yet we dig deep and find the smallest shred of inner strength to keep on going. We are survivors!

For me my memories of Myles keep me going. I remember what an amazing little "soldier" he was and what a courageous battle he waged. I remind myself that I promised Myles that I would emulate his strength and that I would continue my fight. I fought for Myles and am grateful for all that I went through to have him. I know in my heart that my continued fight and all the pain that comes with it is not in vain. I am determined to beat infertility once again and despite all the devastation we've faced I'm still optimistic (yep, that's me the eternal optimist) that one day with K's help I will win this war. I am a survivor and I will triumph!

WHEN Bad Things Happen to Good People

NOT WHY Bad Things Happen to Good People. Last night I attended a speech by Rabbi Harold Kushner the author of the well known book that inspired the title of this post. The Rabbi wrote this book following the death of his son. My dear friend, M, who's also a babyloss mama invited me to accompany her and I'm so grateful she did. Thanks M! I was inspired by much of what Rabbi Kushner had to say, but have to admit that I haven't read his book in it's entirety. My dear friend, M, recommended that I read it following Myles's death, but when I noticed all the biblical quotes I immediately put it down. I just couldn't deal with one more person telling me that Myles's death was part of some bigger plan that I just couldn't understand. I wish I had known a year ago that this is the last thing that Rabbi Kushner would say. In fact last night he said that no one has a right to tell someone that something bad has happened for a reason and I couldn't agree more! Here are a few things that Rabbi Kushner said that resonated with me:

• All who have experienced any kind of loss have something in common, but the intensity we experience differs.
• When we experience a loss all we can do is cope.
• In the valley of the shadow is where the light finds us.
• Everything DOESN'T have a moral cause, but everything does have a physical cause.
• G.od doesn't give us a finished world, but rather a world that needs our intervention.
• Losing a child may make you more sensitive, compassionate, patient, but anyone who's lost a child would give that up in a heartbeat to have their child back.
• When you can help others the cloud of helplessness is lifted and you feel connected.
• Ordinary people do extraordinary things.
• Friends who abandon you (e.g., don't call, don't come to visit, ignore your feelings) in your time of need do so because they can't acknowledge your reality. They fear that acknowledging it will make it happen to them.
• When the wind blows over some of what you built, you learn to live and celebrate without it.
• Doubt is not the opposite of faith. The opposite of faith is certainty.
• Hermit Crab growth and development as an analogy to losing and finding faith: hermit crabs have a hard shell that protects them. In order to grow they have to shed their protective carapace and at this point they are vulnerable and without protection, but eventually their outside hardens and they are again protected.

Many of these thoughts spoke to my grief over Myles's death while others spoke to my 5 lost dreams and my continual battle with infertility. I feel like I should explain how these statements spoke to me, but quite frankly I'm still tossing things around my mind. I didn't walk away from Kushner's speech with all of my questions answered, but I never expected that to happen. However, I do think that Rabbi Kushner allowed me to develop a new perspective.

Along with Kushner's inspiring messages a wonderful, caring friend, S, grabbed my hand and helped me out of my dark hole of hopelessness. I see a small light flickering and I feel a little hope returning ...

Looking back and looking ahead

I've been avoiding posting because I can't find the right words to reflect on 2008 and look forward to 2009. I had a conversation with J about 2008 and he so eloquently said "it sucked, what else is there to say?" Again I had to disagree because we met Myles in 2008. We had 26 of the happiest days of our lives starting on January 21, 2008, but this time period ended with the worst day of our lives on February 16, 2008. I guess 2008 will go down in our history as the best and worst year of our lives. I am hopeful that K will help us have another one of the best days of our lives in 2009! Okay, so that was lame, but I just can't find the words to express my mixed emotions about the last year and my hope for the new year.

So, I guess I'll share a few pics from our New Year's Eve Dinner party. Maybe that will make this post a little better?! I appreciate your compliments regarding the menu. The food was fabulous if I do say so myself! Even the dessert, which again is not my forte, was splendid! I forgot to photograph the food before everyone started eating, but did take a photo of my dinner table and the most amazing martini, x-rated martini, known to woman or man!


Here's a pic of what I was doing to prepare for our guest's arrival and another of what J did to prepare!


A picture of J and I right after we had our New Year's kiss.

A few pic's of J and a couple of our friends doing some crazy dancing a few hours into the new year (of course this was after several beers and much vino!).