Feeling Anxious

Today I had a snow day and I spent the entire day writing my sub plans. I plan to take the rest of the school year off, so I had to do plans for almost an entire semester for two different courses. It's a ton of work to say the least, but its done now and I feel great about it! On another good note I found a great long-term sub, so I won't worry about my students for a second while I'm gone (not that I'll have time to).

Tonight I've started worrying about K having the babies early. I don't really have any reason to worry about this (no contractions, pain or anything), but I'm still worrying. I am hoping for at least 6 more weeks of baby baking!

All of a sudden I'm starting to feel very anxious about becoming a mommy to twins. I feel like there's so much I don't know about babies and I worry that I won't be a very good mommy to them. I worry that with two of them and only one of me things are going to be very tough. I worry that they'll both need me at the same time and I won't be able to do what I need to for them both at once. I asked one of my close friends how to hold two newborns at once and she said "I don't know. You'll have to tell me." This makes me nervous that none of my closest friends will be able to provide any advice because they haven't had twins. I love these boys so much already, so I'm not worried about not bonding or anything like that. I simply worry that I'll do something (or more likely many things) wrong that will somehow hurt them. I guess the logistics of two babies and my ignorance of babies/baby stuff are really causing me anxiety right now. I wonder if this is normal for expecting moms? I didn't get to this point in my pregnancy with Myles, so I didn't ever feel this way. And when he was born I had a whole different set of worries. Please tell me if you felt any of these things.

Rough weeks ahead

As you can see from my ticker K is currently in her 23rd week of pregnancy. This probably doesn't seem like a significant week to most, but to me it is hugely significant. No we're not at viability quite yet, but 23wks has personal significance to me. While I was pregnant with Myles I was diagnosed with preeclampsia in my 23rd week of pregnancy and was put on home bedrest. Late in the 24th week they discovered that Myles was severely IUGR, which made my preeclampsia diagnosis severe and I was hospitalized. Early in the morning at 25+5 wks I was diagnosed with HELLP syndrome and was forced to deliver Myles via emergency c-section to save my life. So, weeks 23-26 of pregnancy are terrifying for me even when someone else is carrying my babies.

I know that the babies are much, much safer with K and I know that her blood pressure is great, yet I worry. How can I not worry? I keep reminding myself that both babies were measuring 1 week ahead at our last u/s (Myles was already 1.5wks behind at the same point). Next week we have a growth scan and I'm hoping that this will alleviate some worries for me (at least for a couple of weeks). I very much need to see that these babies are weighing over a pound already. I need to see that these babies have grown. I need to see that these boys are healthy and well. We need to get over this hurdle.

A few more spots

Yesterday K didn't have any spotting, but then had a little again this afternoon. It's still brown and very light. Additionally, she's been having the menstrul-type cramping that many experience in early pregnancy. I have to admit that I wasn't nearly as calm today when K told me about it, but I was also under a lot of stress while trying to set up a lab for my botany class for tomorrow. I kept reminding myself that light brown spotting can be common and normal, yet every experience in pregnancy I have with any kind of spotting has been bad. I didn't spot one single drop while pregnant with Myles. I decided that I needed to hear someone tell me that things were probably okay, so I called my clinic. I talked to one of my favorite IVF nurses today who reassured me that it's still probably some irritation from intercourse that occurred a few nights ago. I knew everything she told me, but it was nice to hear it from someone else.

I'm trying to remain calm because I don't want to alarm K, but I have to admit that tonight my anxiety was a little elevated. I just spent the last 30 minutes on Dr. Google reading about miscarriage rates after seeing a heartbeat and spotting during pregnancy. It's actually ridiculous because I wasn't reading anything new and think that it was contributing to my anxiety. I took a few Xa.nax and am feeling better. I'm one of those few unlucky ones who did have a miscarriage after seeing a strong h/b and several growth scans with my first pregnancy, so of course I worry about that happening again. I am especially worried now that K is in the picture. The last thing I want is for K to have to go through something horrible like a miscarriage. K is doing an amazing thing and only deserves to have good experiences.

I'm just crossing my fingers that next week's u/s alleviates our worries and we see a strong beating heart again along with nice growth of our little blueberry baby!