Stil paddling

Well im still over here above water some how some way. Dont ask me how... bc I dont even knoww.

Its pretty pathetic actually. I have people asking me if I still even go to Lewis & Clark. How do you say I have just been shitty which forces me to be anti-social without expecting questions? You cant. So I laugh it off and get through that part of the conversation as fast as possible.

The stress load has lightened a bit but school still sucks. I just want these As and be DONE. Damnit.

I talked to my mom today. UGH. idk. Idk why I let her get to me so much. Cameron was like let it go let it go.. BUT I CANT. Its just like WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO LET ME GROW UP AND YOU BE OKAY WITH IT. You would think im 19 going on 9. Shit.

I think the only thing that has been keeping me sane is Cameron & knowing that Ill be seeing him in five days. Things are good.

So Good- Destiny's Child

I have spent my time in my room ALL DAY =). I have always enjoyed "ME" time. Its probably because I grew up like an only child, so i'm use to my thoughts being the one to keep me company.

I cleaned up my room, that, initially, looked like a tornado hit it.Now I am supposed to be doing a massive amount of homework...but we see how that one worked out.

I saw a post that talked about people not updating their blogspot and they said not to have one if they are not going to write in it. I AGREE! During my procrastination session I went and re-read my posts and I realized two things. I am so hard headed. Its like I would have this epiphany, learn from a lesson and then next week I am talking about the same exact thing! Realization two. For the most part I was only blogging when I was emotionally in a crazy/down state. I am not really solely this heartbroken lost crazed person. Promise. But in a sense, it shows something, the fact that I havnt blogged in a while. I am in a good place. I decided I am going to keep you updated on both my good and bad days.

I cant wait for Thanksgiving.

My mom will be in town =) & I get to fly to Cam Cam & we are going to drive home.

Speaking of my parents and cam cam... I can see that they are making an effort to develop a relationship with him. Which makes me feel really good. It took a few emails for them to get over their little girl getting hurt and to clear the slate, but it happened. After the people who truly cared about me got done barking, they realized I am in a good place and whether or not THEY feel its not the best decision, its what I feel in my heart is right.

I talked to Montana for the first time since the summer and our little tiff.

I couldnt be more happy for her, and the state that she is in.

She has mentally and emotionally grown so much and I think that is exactly what she needed.

She is someone that I can truly see in my life forever.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Love is Hard- James Morrison

Two days. 

Im actually really excited. I think what I think is funny t I didnt think my feelings were going to be like this when it came down to it. 

Im getting alot closer to answers and even though I cant answer the question of what genuinely  makes me happy im starting to realize who and what i need to get me there. 

I have come to terms with the people I couldnt put in my past before. Its definitely different.. Its not like I have any regret nor do I have animosity. They served their purpose and its time to move on. Im sick of asking why me or why her. Im sick of imagining how things would have been if this happened or if it didnt. I decided im going to live life and see who follows because seeing who follows THEN living life just wasnt working. Time to shake things up a bit. 

                                    

Lions, Tigers & Bears- Jazzmin Sullivan

well im STILL not getting sleep
woke up at 3am ready to have a damn party!

so instead Erica and I waited for mom at 5 to wake up and went on a power walk
man that woman can GOOOO.

im having a nice time though. Its really nice to just get away from everything. well... not everything.

Remember how I was talking about time yesterday? well this time its helped me develop my thoughts.
I dont think I have ever felt so strongly about anyone or anything.
It actually scares me
because even though this feels so right Theres always that small thought
Tomorrow isn't even certain so how can anything else be.

I had a long talk with Kemi the other day. She really helped me realize that there is nothing objective about Love, and while everyone will always feel like they know the right answer and when notice they come up with the "answer" so easily. Things become so much more complex when one is actually on the other side. Emotions switch the whole game. So while their on the sideline hollerin like they dont have any sense your the one that has to make the best move so your ass isnt the one who ends up with the concussion.
So instead of looking towards others for answers, I can only turn towards myself and talk it through with loved ones

.

"life happens"

Well I just got into shanghai last night with erica
mann
to say it was long would be more than an understatement.

its crazy to think how much has changed since I was last here
Not in shangha, but with the different things that have happened in my own life.
I knew that I would grow in my first year of college but i didnt think it was going to be like this.

Time is such a funny thing to me.
Its something i dread
that exites me
saddens me
makes me anxious
and sometimes all at the same time.

LIfe seems so short when you already think you know who is going to be in you life.

its very possible that when i go back and read this another day i will bet on the fact that i was on crack when i wrote this just because my toughts are EVERYWHERE but honestly thats my mind/life right now.

well i just sat down to write this huge blog but i just changed my mind
i think ill shower and hit the town
till tom

xoxox

         

That Three Letter Word

Can someone PLEASE tell me what Love is?

JUST so I can put it in my notes.

I mean the concrete definition, 

a definition were I can correct someone when they say they are in love.

a definition were I can say Megan, this is it.

a definition were i can say fool. you dont really mean that... 

I know, I know. 

"you just know"

Well, that answer just isn't good enough for me anymore.

I say it all the time & I hear it all the time. 

I cant tell you how many times I have initiated or responded. 

it must be countless times a day.

my mom 

my grandfather 

my cousins

my best friends

but what about when he says it?

The feeling when I first heard those words form his mouth is unexplainable. 

My heart stopped and it was like i was afraid to breathe 

it makes me a bit jealous actually, 

the fact that you can identify it 

and know like you know like you know...

The Summers Must See

There is ABSOLOUTLY no way that anyone can go through the summer and NOT see this movie. 

It was a BIT slow in the beginning but that did  not last long at all.

I know that it is just a movie but seriously, it made me think about alot. 

people say it all the time.

 Be happy that you are healthy, thank God that you have your family. I agree and I say, "yeah, thats  true." But I didn't  honestly stop and think about it until it was put in front of me like this. 

I think about all the things that I worry about and all of the petty arguments that I have.

 AND FOR WHAT? 

The things that i worry about now i know will be forgotten in year. 

Ill be honest. its not that i neccesarily care what OTHERS think but i do care what my loved ones think. I know  that they have my best interest so they will give me the and tell me what is right. Instead of following my heart I listen to them. 

we are all trying to get through life just as much as the next person so how is that the one knows the RIGHT thing to d0. 

I love my family and friends deeply but i think i need to learn to say I appreciate everything that you have told me but there is something that says that i need to do this one and feel the repercussions of it on my own. 

the unexpected

 wow...

Honestly that all i can say at this point. 

I never thought that eight days could every feel like a three week weeks. 

I learned a lot about myself and people in general  

im learning the meaning of forgiveness but i must say its a struggle

things wont be exactly the same for a while...

i understand that time is a healer but this scar is deep

This lesson is learned by everyone

it was just my turn 

keeping my head up and looking forward  

A New Title... The Girlfriend

man o man o mannn 

could i be any more of an idiot???

telll mee whyyyyy 

my car got towed??

fml

i just totally fogot to move it 

but that excuse wasnt good enough for dad

which meansss no car for ten daysss

damn. 

it hasnt been all bad though still got company 

cam came a couple times to go bowling and then yesterday was dennys 

i could get to this whole mandatory company business 

shoulda got a boyfriend way long time ago =) 

mom comes soon =) 

then the masqerade ball 

im super exited to see what my gown looks like 

i love getting dressed up 

man one step closer to getting a job 

mannn i hope i get the alta job

supposed to hear a call from them soon so well see what happens 

fingers crossed

but all in all? 

im good. 

really good

 

Do You Feel Me- Anthony Hamilton

Wow its been so long 

since my last post there has been so much going on... too much. But thats life. right?

My mind if constantly turning, changing, and thinking. 

I can barely choose what i want from a breakfast menu so how am I supposed to make a decision like this?

well.. long story short?

My eyes have been opened and it was a lesson learned. 

He made my decision much easier, but at the end of the day i know its one of the best decisions that im going to make for myself in while. 

Some days I sit and i think.. what if we bump into each other? what am i going to say? do i even say anything? should I have him with me? what if shes with him? Do i be nice? na. well maybe i should be cause if not hell get cocky like oh man shes just hatin. yes i know cause thats something he would do. you think she knows who i am? what do you think he said? and then other days..... it doesnt cross my mind not once.

you know what the sad part is? there is no way that I will ever stop caring for him in some way.  Im never going to stop having these questions that im never going to get answered. 

I hope you see things in her that you didn't see in me. 

I hope she gives you the comfort that you felt you didn't have with me. 

I hope one day you realize the mistake you made, but i know thats a big ask from you.

honestly after all of this I want to thank you.

You helped me realize that through this, what i would call dysfunctional and complicated relationship and you would call game, I learned that love isnt something you force. its mutual. its an effort. its unexplainable. and this? it wasnt any of those things, but in my head spun it to aid as a remedy for the many things i had to work on within myself.

So i thank you.

"thank you for teaching me how to give." 

Sitting in E&D

ugh this class is SUCH a waste of my time. 

I could be picking up cow dung and it would be more productive. 

Today is friday. 

super crazyyy

These weeks are going by so fast

next thing i know it will be summer. 

the first summer back from college. 

its going to be super interesting.

i can already feel it. 

when we come back whos going to return the same and whos going to return "brand new"?

change is a scary thing to me. 

Especially in people. 

how do you talk to someone who use to be your best friend or that you use to hang out with all the time and then all of a sudden they might as well be another person on the street. 

I hope that doesnt happen to me. 

I think have stayed true to myself during this school year but then again some may beg to differ.

wow. summer. 

who are the flings going to be?

who arnt the flings going to be?

which people will hurt me?

what truth will have to be told?

summer nights 

drunken fights 

regreting  mistakes but when looked back on it was the one thing that made you a stronger person. 

man o man 

summer of 09 

The fool in you

Cannot stand the fools,
the ones who cling to idiotic ways.
and think it fun.
and think it cool.

They bask in their arrogance
and claim more souls each day
bringing each new one to the place of stupidity,
where frolics their master:
the low level of self control.

So many of them...
yet nothing can be done...
well, nothing that can be thought by me.
yet, there must be someway to separate
and never face 
another 
fool
again.

Dance Party

Im having a good today. 

ask me what happen. 

nothing. 

=) 

Today I woke up in a good mood. 

I didnt let the amount of shit that I have to get caught up on get to me. 

After class and lunch I came back and had a dance party. 

little bit of Michael Jackson, Mariah Carey, Slum Village & of course India.Arie does the soul well.

Good times. 

Not really sure what I have planned for the rest of the day other than class.

well play it by ear. 

xoxo

Surprise surprise

So I got the biggest surprise that I have had in a VERY long time. 

Cameron came to Lewis & Clark =) 

While minding my own business I look up and see someone who can instantly put a smile on my face just by being there. 

After I got over that surprise,  Kemi, Cameron and I went to the India Arie concert on Friday. 

I have seen that woman live three times and each time she gets more and more inspirational. 

She is truly someone who just exudes confidence, wisdom and poise. 

I want to be her when I grow up. 

I feel like I have alot to say but none of it is coming out....

The day wasn't half bad. Guess you can say im in a good mood =) 

life is a journey

not a destination 

there are no mistakes, 

just the chances we've taken 

lay down your regrets cause all we have is now

       - India. Arie 

xoxo

The hang over

Well now that spring break is over its back to reality. 

Spring break was amazing I had my girls and my family and thats all that I needed. 

Kemi keeps telling me that I need to just sit back and enjoy the ride, but I still got on the plane wanting answers from him. 

"patience is a virtue"

unfortunately God skipped me in that line. 

so we wait...

Speechless

I just seem to be at this stand still. 

relentless 

intimating 

scary 

heartless 

are all things that im told  I am whle in an argument with someone, but little do they know that these arguments leave me absolutely 

drained 

sympathetic 

yielding

& 

speechless 

 

Yet Another Day

Today wasnt anything out of the ordinary. It left me absolutely exhausted and wanting spring break to be here already. 

sun.

shades.

family.

my girls. 

beach.

endless giggles. 

LA. 

what more could a girl ask for?

Overwhelmed

Im starting to feel a bit overwhelmed with school. I feel like I constantly have one big project after the other, and its starting to get out of hand. I hate feeling like im constantly trying to catch up with the train but I never get to hop on. I have a paper due tom...yes im leaving a blog post. What? I realized that when I get stressed out with alot of stuff at once I just drop everything. I really should work on that.

back to my paper I guess...

 

Its Official

Kemi gets to see the cracked out life I live. 

Cali here we come. 

Get it Together- India Arie

I must say I had a really good weekend. Friday, I left it for myself and had some "me" time and last night was Divas and Hustlers night. I love dressing up =). Two lessons were learned last night. THINK carefully when crossing someone off of the potential list and NEVER mess with my friends, because you will permanently be crossed off of my potential list. 

Mom and John told me that they were just about to get me India Arie tickets for my birthday but im not going to be in LA =/ she is my absolute favorite which is why I have her playing all day everyday. When I played this song this morning it put me in a better mood and shed some light on the things that I should be doing in my life right now. 

All this energy that im putting forth towards him is useless, because at the end of the day im the only one left drained.  Its not fair to me and the people who care about me and that truly deserve my attention. Im just aiding to this vicious cycle and its time to break it. I feel like I often have these days. I go through these days were I constantly want questions answered and I care so much, and then ,I wake up and I tell myself,  im moving on because this is dumb. I think this makes it that much worse, because I know the decisions I need to make and the absurd emotions im putting myself through, but im not putting a stop to it. I talk about "dumb girls" all the time and im not gonna lie, I was pretty close to having that title myself. Im not saying that im a whole new person today but I  can say im gonna get it together. 

Chasing Pavements- Adele

What is this?

because im not sure if i can do this for much longer. 

What is this?

because the answers you've been giving me are questions to my questions.

Maybe one day your realize

but something tells me it will be too late by then 

getting through things one day at a time. 

A Book of Questions

These past few days various emotions have emerged. Its a mixture of both my feelings and of those around me which have made me take a closer look at things going on in my life that i havnt taken the time to look at.  I was told yesterday, "Megan, you give good advice." I realized that I give advice more for myself, than for the person that im telling it to. I feel like there are life lessons in every challenge we face. Little do they know im stealing their tragedy/predicament/situation and jotting them down as my own to go back and read.

There are a couple things that have had me thinking for the past several days, and I think its because they are questions and thoughts that make me go back and forth between my heart and my mind, which for me, never agree when I apply it to my own life. 

"how do you make yourself stop liking someone", I was asked.  This is a question I wish I could answer and have it make sense. 

You cant help who you like.

 Thats the bottom line.

  If you have to ask yourself this question, evidently there is a reason why you shouldn't like them in the first place. If you keep reminding yourself of the reasons  you shouldn't like them, is this just a way to distract your feelings in order for you to get over the person? which makes me wonder do you ever truely get over someone or do you just keep lying to yourself until you  believe it yourself? 

Sometimes your told that person just isnt good for you. This is a statement that I believe to be true at times. But if this is true why is it that our heat is so drawn to this person? We know ourselves better than anyone, so why would we let ourselves go through this pain? 

we all do it. 

some just hide it better than others.  

"she thinks I put relationships on a pedestal and look at it like a marriage" 

When I was told this I completely disagreed. As I sit and think about it no,  im not really sure what I think. 

You are supposed to go into a relationship for the appropriate reasons. Right? Your supposed to go into a relationship thinking that this is going to last. Being able to see yourself eventually loving this person. Right? But everyone isnt perfect, so your never going to find your Mr/Mrs.Perfect, which means your forced to go into a relationship expecting things to go wrong, one of which could be from the key questions. Soooo...... when do you know its time for a relationship? Your just supposed to know? How do you know this is a bad idea? You  just go with it? 

Still learning 

xoxo

A day in the life of a sun devil

soooo THISSSS is how an asu student lives.  School monday to wednesday. Thursday, party. Friday, party. Saturday, party. Sunday, rejuvenate.  Dayum! 

I cant complain though, im having a really nice time here with the girls. Its nice to get away and clear my mind.

Today is another day and im glad about it

. 

                                 

Soon Well Be Found- Sia

Its been a very long weekend and very long beginning of the week. I have run myself ragged and now my body decided," If your not gonna slow your roll im gonna slow it for you." Which leads me to the reason im in bed at 3:00... pm. 

This weekend I discovered the feeling of truly being scared for someones life. During the summer I lost my grandmother but this wasnt the same feeling. Watching Gran slowly deteriorate for months was one of the hardest things iv ever had to endure,  but as crazy as it sounds, it was almost less painful in the end. I was able to brace myself for the painful truth. I  had time to accept that the person whom I considered my sunshine, my heart, and my laugh  would soon be  a lifeless body and a distant memory. This time there was no time to brace myself....

The phone rings while video chatting with mom and john. 

Moms telling me about paula and her crazy adventure that day

its too good to interrupt 

I push the black button. 

ill call her later, i say to myself. 

five minutes later the phone rings again... 

510?

no idea who that is...

black button.

sorry go on mom.

...

two rings and an answer

Megan?

yes?

*sobbing*

they dont think hes going to make it.

What does that mean? "they". They who? the doctors? His mom? The school? WHO? Why does this seem so sudden? He was fine three weeks ago. I just talked to him yesterday. ButI couldnt get myself to ask any of those questions. Honestly? I instantly thought of the last time I saw him. The last thing that was said. The things I said and the things that I didnt say.

Sit and think about the last three people you talked to today. If you got a call tomarrow saying they were no longer here would your conversation been different? would you regret the things you said or wished you said something more?

     You would think I just typed up a chain letter and all im missiing is the "send this to ten people or youll have a bad love life for the next ten years" These words have a different meaning when it happens to you.. trust me.

This weekend Jaclin and Kemi were truely my rocks. They eased my thoughts and put a smile on my face when I thought it was impossible. They showed me the meaning of true friendship. Truely irreplaceable.

When the truth hurts

Addictive is precisely the adjective I would have chosen to describe Blogspot. Thanks Chey.

Carmelle is gone for the weekend and although I love her to death, its nice to get the room to myself for a bit. Especially with my personality, I can never get enough alone time.  

I had a lovely conversation with my mom this morning, which completely put me in a different mood for the day. Shes always treated me like an adult but since iv been in college I find us having meaningful conversations regarding real problems. It was always me coming to lay in her lap so she could fufill her job description of being my listener but now, I find myself giving just as much advice as she does to me. Its really nice to have reached a different level with her but it also makes me pause, and realize that I am in fact growing up. Although I claimed to hate her for so many years, she is by far the most amazing woman I know. Maybe one day ill be able to look her in the eye and tell her.... your my hero.                                                        

What do you do when you have someone in your life who cares for you more than you can imagine? Someone cares for you in ways that as much as you attempt, you will never be able to return those same feelings. You say your friends. You say your best friends. You say anything that will keep him around because deep down you know hes one of the best things thathas  happened to you. How do you tell someone that you love them, but your not in love with them? You cant, because in the end you will find yourself screaming on the phone, fighting about something that in any other situation you know they could care less about. How do you sit on the phone and witness someone coming to the realization that their ideal companion will never say I love you the way its ment to be said?

maybe I should call...

but what if he hates me?

what if he voids my call?'

what if he acts differently?

what if he tries to put on a front?

well... WHAT IF?

But is that anyway to treat your best friend ?

 

The First one

soooooooooooooo this would be my first blog post! Its funny I havnt done one of these since the xanga days, which would be 6th-8th grade status. I was reading my xanga today and it brought back so many memories so I thought that I would make another one so I can look back on the college days ;). 

hmmm weird to actually sit here listening to music and just have a chance to think about what I have been doing lately. Usually its just music facebook and seeing what everyone else is up to but its nice to sit and just think about me for once. Even if it is at 3:00 in the morning!

Its so crazy that im a second semester freshman in college already. It feels like Marymount Spirit Day was JUST yesterday.  Whats also crazy is the amount of things and people that have changed in that amount of time. I have finally found people who are there for me and  picked out the ones that pretended to be there. Im keeping the old and bringing the new with people here at LC. Everytime someone asks me if I like LC, i say if it werent for the four girls that im always with then I would honestly transfer. 

I just wanted to get a post in today and ill TRY to keep it up. BBUUUTTTTTTTT we all know me... so like i said, ill TRY. 

till next time

xoxo