Who The Hell Am I?

The ever-challenging Eden has brought back her "Fresh Horses Brigade" with a rather interesting subject - "Who The Hell Are You?"  I was shattered to see that I had missed the cut off for the link up by a whole 17 minutes - and then started questioning that perhaps it was the universe telling me I either A. Have no idea who I am? B. Would spend WAY too much time trying to figure out how to put myself in words or C. Would give up?   Soooooo, in the spirit of giving myself too much to think about, I'm going to try......


"Passionate, frustrated, loving, multi-talented, mum, wife, lover, friend, introverted, extroverted, bitchy-when-I-have-to-be, honest, bark-worse-than-my-bite, impatient, no-nonsense, emotional, tired, bubbly, little, free-spirited, caring, protective, anxious, loyal"


These are all the words that came to me, un-censored.  I really LOVE who I am.  At times, I don't like myself - and that is mainly when I get caught up in other people's dramas.  I'm still working very hard at taking a step back.  


I'm proud of the person I have turned out to be!  I'm proud of the fact that I have managed to keep four kids pretty damn happy, and I am complimented on their pleasant natures and great manners.  I'm proud that I have a MORE THAN FABULOUS husband and marriage.  After an epic FAIL first time round - I wasn't sure I had the tenacity to be a wife.  Turns out I go OK.


I wondered where my youngest little man got his sensitive and anxious side from?  The last couple of years have taught me that he gained all of that - and more - from ME.  The girls at work always make me laugh, because I give the impression that I'm a hard arse......but I'm a little like Snack chocolate - A block made up of little pieces of hard chocolate, with soft centres - in a variety of flavours.  If you don't know what you're looking for, you don't know what you're going to get.  It's a pretty good comparison.  My family and closest friends know me VERY well........all others really have no idea what to expect.  I like it that way.....


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A couple of days ago, whilst doing my grocery shopping, I received an apology.  I burst in to tears.  The power of that one little word is HUGE.  With this apology also came a decent sized weight from my shoulders.  This community I have lived in for eight years, is soon to be a memory.  I want to leave it with good memories.  So if you're reading this - Thank You. x  

Fresh Photos

Eden's lightening things up today!  And using one of my all-time favourite things to do so - photos!!  I've written before about my infamy with the camera.....when your friends start leaving their camera at home, because they know you will have one - you either 

a) Have a problem

OR

b) You just like to have fun, showing the world through photos!

So here are some of my latest favourite pics....

My youngest Chloe looking SUPER cute trying rollerskating for the first time!

BOTH of my parents with all of their grandkids (except my nephew in NSW) - this is a photo that I would never would have imagined being taken when they divorced!  So nice that they get along and can spend time in the same space together....

The AMAZING cake that I made for my AMAZING sister!  She turned 40 a couple of weeks ago, and I threw a bit of an impromptu party for her and made this masterpiece over two gruelling days!  The WOW factor was worth it!

My delightful daughter's attempt at cutting her own hair......I had to stop myself from laughing....and go and grab my phone to take a photo of course....

I met up with this lovely lady last weekend, after not seeing one another for approximately 19 years!  We were BFF's at high school on the Gold Coast, and the two hours we spent catching up was lovely.  OF COURSE I had my camera in my bag to catch the occasion!  

WORDS - WORD

Eden has me thinking again - she wants WORDS.....

When I first read Eden's post this morning, the first word that came to me was CYNICAL.  Strange?  Well, back in 1990, my amazing English Literature teacher - Mrs Proctor - told me I was CYNICAL.  I was 15.  I can't even remember the context it was used in, but I do remember laughing it off....and then looking it up in the dictionary!

It also means one is sarcastic and mocking.  I'm guessing that was the point she was making? She was right.  But in saying that, she also helped to change me.  Because once I knew what CYNICAL meant, I made a conscious effort not to be so.  It's still one of my favourite words.  And I can pick a CYNIC a mile away.  It has paid off!  But I am still a work in progress.  I'm one of the most sarcastic biatches around!  But I'm also one of the most sentimental, soppy human beings you will meet.

So Eden - if it was open mic at a birthday party - I would more than likely get on stage and take the piss out of myself and anyone else I thought I could get away with, basically to mask the fact that I would be getting sentimental and trying not to cry (Yes, I know this, from first hand experience!).

And in my best CYNIC'S impersonation, I would think that all of the other speeches were bullshit!  Neigh.

I'm Sorry Too

No....really I am

Joining Eden Riley again......and find myself really working on this blog post.  Thank you for challenging me Eden.... Here goes....

I'm sorry for not having patience.  I'm sorry for yelling and for not waiting to hear what you have to say.  I'm sorry I am not the kind of Mother who sits down and plays games and puzzles for hours.  I'm sorry I always left that stuff for Nanna to do with you.

I'm sorry for not fully understanding or "getting" your mental illness.  I'm sorry I have to check out of our relationship at times, to breath and not be overwhelmed,  because you are so overwhelmed.  I'm sorry I can't be with you in your darkest hours, the hours you spend awake at night because your mind is racing and your heart is broken.  And i'm sorry you feel so alone.

I'm sorry you "de-friended" me.  But I'm only sorry because you have missed out on so much since then.  I'm sorry that my daughter no longer has the god-mother she was given at her baptism.  But grateful that she now has an amazing woman to call Aunty.  I'm sorry I can't look at you every.single.day.  I'm still angry, frustrated and annoyed.  But I'm also grateful, amazed and in wonder of all the beautiful friendships that have taken your place.

I'm sorry I'm not a martyr.  I know how to say no.  So I do.  And I don't feel bad about it - most of the time.  I'm sorry I tell you all the things you don't want to hear.  I only speak the truth.  No bullshit.

I'm sorry I'm a hard task-master.  I don't mean to be annoying when I find that things aren't done the way I would do them.  Or when I don't understand why you wouldn't think to do the things that I think would be automatically done!  I'm trying to be less anal-retentive...

I'm sorry I ate KFC for dinner tonight.  Truly sorry.

I'm sorry I can't always shoot straight from the hip here.  I wish I was a blogger who could say anything without the fear that someone I know would read it and take offence!  But I can't.  It's not how I roll....

Why Do I Blog?

Today I'm joining up with Eden Riley and The Fresh Horses Brigade.  And I'm going to try my hardest to come up with answer to this question.

I started blogging a few years ago, just because.  Just because I have always loved writing, and also because I had quite  a number of people who thought I had something worth reading through my personal ramblings on Facebook.  So I thought I would give it a crack.  It's been a bit on and off, but over the last year, I have made a concerted effort to post regularly.  I'm sticking to my aim so far this year.  You are probably getting sick of hearing from me!

My blog has been a place where I could come and write out my feelings.  Whether they be good or bad.  I have been able to vent about things that shit me.  Throw ideas around about my little business.  And it's also been a place I can cheer on the champion moments in my life.  It's my little place.

It's no surprise that Eden from Edenland is one of my fave blogs to read.  It's not so much that I can relate to Eden, but the way she speaks so openly about her battles helps me, somewhat, to try and understand the battles my sister and friend go through, living with Bipolar.  Thanks Eden!

Mrs Woog, another no-brainer.  Keeps me highly amused, and is VERY relatable when it comes to motherhood.  She also has a wide variety of blogging friends, which means I get pointed to reading a wide variety of good quality stuff!

The third of my blogs I love to read and look forward to getting mail from is Jules from The Intrepid Thread.  I feel like I have gotten to know Jewel a bit over the past six months.  You see, Jewel is my secret weapon (well, not anymore!) in finding amazing fabrics.  She is SUPER helpful, does great deals, and always wraps my fabric beautifully!  I found Jewel on Etsy, but am kept up to date religiously through her blog, and she has lots of great friends who share ideas too!

So that's me.  Blogger me.  I used to be a bit embarrassed by the fact that I blogged.  I never shared the links to my posts.  But not anymore.  The turning point was when I wrote this.  And posted the link on my personal Facebook page.  And couldn't keep up with the feedback that flowed in.  I was able to change people's perception about something.  So it was worth it.

Feel free to tell me about YOU.  Do you blog?  And if you don't - why do you read blogs?  Most importantly, why do you read MY blog?  xxx

Have you ever thought about.....your funeral song?

Strange question?  Eden Riley has posed this question and asked for feedback.  So I've had my thinking cap on all morning.  And still - nothing.  I know the songs I have to play at both my Mother's and Husband's funerals - both of which I'm hoping do not happen any time soon!  In fact, Andrew only told me, last week, his song choices....strange but true.  His funeral will be "celebrated" to the tunes of Time of Your Life - Green Day's version, opposed to the Dirty Dancing tune!  The Hawthorn theme song will also play a part - I'd say it would play over and over, like it does at the MCG after a winning game.

My Mother on the other hand, has always said she would like You Can Leave Your Hat On by Joe Cocker.  Hilarious.

I would like to think that all the people who love and cherish me would be able to come up with some cracker choices on my passing.  They all know how much I love Prince, so perhaps a bit of Let's Go Crazy?   Dido's Thank You always makes me happy, because it was a song that came out around the same time as the huge changes in my life evolved, so they could pop that in there too!  And just for good measure, maybe I could have the Dirty Dancing version of Time of My Life, this one opposed to Black Eyed Peas version - I don't want people getting the lyrics wrong of that song and singing out "Dirty Bitch" instead of "Dirty Bit".....it's a simple mistake!

I don't know.  All this thinking about my funeral reiterates to me why I probably haven't ever thought of it.  I, like Eden, am terrified of dying.  I think once I get past maybe 70, and I've been able to see my children through their lives, and have had another 30 plus years with Andrew, I will be ok with leaving Earth.  But the fear of missing out on all that is ahead of me frightens the hell out of me.  I have had the time of my life, for almost 37 years.  And I have a whole lot more of life to enjoy!!!  Having said that, if you would like to join in with Eden's Fresh Horses Brigade...head on over and have a looksy!  She's a top chick, with lots to say, and I love reading her.