14 Months

The other day when I wrote about my friendship ending, Little Man turned 14 months old. I'm not taking photos each month like I did the first year—though I still take quite a lot of pics—so I decided to share a bit of what he's doing now, as an "almost-toddler." I say "almost" because he's NOT walking yet. Yeah, I realize he's not behind per se (especially as I didn't walk until 17 months and Dude was about 18 months) but when we go to gymnastics class at the Y and all the others are walking (and, yes, they're older), I feel like something is wrong.

But he does talk. Sort of. At least Dude and I and people close to Little Man understand him. He can say:

• UpDown (he knows what UP and DOWN means and says them both, but likes to say it as one word)


• Mama


• Dada (though Dude thinks he doesn't say it or know who he is)


• Nana


• Daw (Dog)


• Duck


• Don Duck (Donald Duck)


• Maa (for Moo and Cow)


• Ah Dun (All Done)


• Dat (That)


• Baba (Bottle)


• Ah-wah (Agua, from my Dominican coworker who adores Little Man)


• Hola (He says it in Spanish but no Hello yet)


• Hah Daw (Hot Dog from the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse)

I may edit this list as I think of other words. I want to be sure to remember this... since I forget things so quickly.

Little Man also got his 7th tooth on Thursday (bottom left lateral incisor finally broke through). He hadn't cut a bottom tooth since he was 6 months old! No molars yet, but you can see where they will eventually erupt. And I guess tooth #8 will show up soon (the other bottom lateral). He eats pretty well, but I still worry if he's getting enough protein. He loves his carbs.

In other stats, he's still in size 4 diapers and he's wearing 18 month clothing—unless it's cut small, like Polo or BabyGap for shirts. His torso is still longer than his legs. I'm not sure when or if that will change.  Most of his wardrobe is from Carter's, which I find fits him quite well. But Gap and Old Navy has some really cute stuff.

So my baby is becoming more and more of a boy. 14 months... wow.

An Ending

I had a very good friend in college. Our friendship started when we met at orientation, a few months before our Freshman year began. While our political views were opposite, we had enough in common to maintain a friendship for years beyond college and with a distance of hundreds of miles.

She was always a better friend than I. She remembered everything I said and she was thoughtful in asking about people I knew and about my family. I'm not saying she was perfect, because she wasn't. But she gave more than I did. And a few years ago, I let her down by goofing off online when I was on the phone with her and just not being there for her. So she cut me out of her life. I tried to make amends, but I recently found out that my attempts were not enough for her.

She kept emailing me and sending gifts for Little Man. Very thoughtful, but we hadn't talked since I told her I was pregnant (and she quickly got me off the phone). I truly believed she wanted me out of her life and I couldn't figure out why she kept including me in her mass emails and sending my son gifts. So I wrote a note basically saying I was confused to why she kept in touch that way when it seemed she wanted me out of her life. And I asked her to stop sending gifts for Little Man if she didn't want our friendship to continue.

I don't regret sending my note. But I did get what I asked for. She sent a cold letter basically telling me off for my behavior. She was right, I let her down. But I'm tired of being beat up over it. And I'd rather her hate me and cut me out of her life than feel so uncomfortable when I heard from her. She does. It's gone. A friendship over.

I hope my other friend, who I recently hurt, will forgive me. But I'm a coward. I haven't called or written. I'm tired of being hurt. And I've been hurt way too much by others. All the recent news of bullying reminds me of my childhood and teenage years. So to think that *I* hurt people the way I was hurt... well, that sucks.

Does being a mom change you?

Before I had children, I would have said no. No, of course it wouldn't change me. I'd still be the same person I was before but with added responsibilities. Well, that isn't the case.

Before I was a mom, I'd drive all over the place to see my friends. And I had these grandiose plans to just take Little Man with me. But he's a fussy napper and doesn't necessarily travel well (beyond 30 minutes in the car). So I've canceled plans with friends at the last minute and now have probably ruined a few friendships as well. It's like I freeze and panic. I never did that before. But now, all of a sudden, it's like I'm unable to do things on my own because I worry about Little Man and how he'll react--or how I'LL react due to the lack of sleep (he wakes up early) if I'm out too late.

So I've changed. Not always for the better. And I'm not sure how to let my friends know that I don't mean to hurt them with my indecisiveness. I love my friends. But I know I've let a few of them down in the last several months and I'm not sure they will accept my apologies. Perhaps if I'd only done it once, they would. But you know that saying: Fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me? These friends must feel like they are fools for thinking I'd be there.

It sucks. It really does. Because I know I'm making these poor choices and it stems from fear but I really can't convey this to my friends. I think my friends who are mothers understand (they say they do) and my best friend does (but we've known each other for 27 years) but a few of my friends may not.

So I hate that I haven't changed for the better. I'm still me. And I'm a good mother. And I'm not a bad person. But some of these changes have been for the worse.

Spaghetti O's

Little Man tried them for the first time today and LOVED them.

Thirteen Months

No more monthly photos—not that I shared them here, though I think I should finally do so—but today Little Man is 13 months old. And to commemorate the milestone, I took him to his pediatrician to make sure his right eye was OK since it had been tearing for several days. His pedi couldn't find anything wrong but wanted to make sure everything was all right (as it was just ONE eye tearing) and sent me to a pediatric ophthalmologist. The eye doctor thinks it was a foreign body but couldn't see anything under his eyelid. Thankfully there were no scratches on his cornea.

So the morning was busy and Little Man did not nap—not his fault, I had to wake him to take him to the doctor. When he doesn't get his morning nap (and I assume it's still relatively common at 13 months) he is crankier during the day. Usually it's his "better" nap (from around 8:30/9:00 am until 10 am) and the afternoon nap is hit or miss. Today he did nap at my office—for those who don't know, he accompanies me to work as I work for a family-run business—for over an hour but when he woke up he was very clingy and I think the lack of earlier sleep affected him.

Overall, he's such a sweet boy. He gives "kisses" to everyone (blows them) and gives me actual ones (open mouth on my cheek) and big hugs. He's trying SO hard to walk but isn't quite there yet. I often wonder if his larger size—he was 25 lb 12 oz today—is the culprit. He has a lot more to carry than a 20 lb baby. But I'm not really concerned about him not walking yet, since I didn't walk until I was 17 months old and Dude was nearly 18 months when he took his first steps. But he's getting much better at standing unassisted and actually did so for over a minute today. Progress!

Little Man just makes me smile. I am so grateful that he's my son and a part of my life.

Birthday Photos

Three weeks later isn't TOO bad, is it?  Nahh... I'm just behind on the times.  Plus my laptop was being repaired (the handle of my case unlatched and it hit the pavement) so I was computerless for 5 days. That was tough on me... I'm totally internet addicted.

August 14, 2009 and August 14, 2010





My little man is not so little any more!







And Little Man's was NOT happy with his birthday smash cake. The feeling of the icing on his fingers made him cry. Maybe he'll like cake by his 2nd birthday?

Playing Catch-Up

Hello Blog!  It's been a looooong time since I've stopped by here. I'm sorry I've neglected you so, but there has been a LOT going on in my life. Some things I cannot share publicly and since this is a public blog (and I want to keep it as such) I'll have to be cryptic and say there has been issues with my family of origin and it's affected me to an extreme level.  I've been having panic attacks and haven't been sleeping well. Unfortunately it has also affected MY family of Dude, Little Man and Casey, too. But I have to just hope we'll get through this and that our future will be better than our present.

As my blog title is about my feelings and experiences about motherhood, I do want to mention that Little Man turned ONE on August 14th. I can't believe he's a "toddler" now—even if he's not walking yet—and that the first year went by so quickly.  I'll post some photos from his first birthday tomorrow, but for now I'll just share a year of milestones.  Most info is from his well baby visits but some months it was me weighing him. (Weight • Length/Height • Head Circumference)

Birth: 9 lb • 20.5 inches  • 13.75 inches


2 Weeks: 9 lb 8 oz • 20.75 inches • 14.25 inches

1 Month: 11 lb 10 oz

2 Months: 13 lb 8 oz • 23 inches • 15.75 inches

3 Months: 16 lb 1 oz • 23.5 inches • 16 inches

4 Months: 17 lb 12 oz • 25.25 inches • 16.5 inches

6 Months: 20 lb 12 oz • 27.5 inches • 17.25 inches

7 Months: 22 lb (on UPS scale at my job)

8 Months: 22 lb 9 oz

9 Months: 23 lb 6 oz • 29.75 inches • 17.75 inches

10 Months: 24 lb 6 oz


11 Months: 25 lb 4 oz • 30.75 inches

12 Months: 25 lb 8 oz • 31.25 inches • 18.5 inches

For his entire first year, Little Man was in the 90th percentile for weight.  He went from 50th in height (at 3 months) to 90th by 9 months.  And thankfully for me, his weight gain slowed down after 6 months.  But he's still quite heavy to carry. I have toned arms for the first time ever!

I can't believe Little Man is now 1!  And I need to be better about keeping up with this blog.