Happy Birthday to Me

Yesterday was my birthday. Having a birthday on a Monday isn't the same as having on on a weekend, though. You get up. You go to work. Not much celebrating. But then having a birthday in your 40s isn't quite the same as when you are a child.  And birthdays wreak havoc on diets, because usually people want to take you out for lunch or dinner.

And I actually requested that I go out to eat last night. I didn't want cake. I wanted a nice meal out and not to have to cook or clean up.  Besides, yesterday was also "No Housework Day" so I figured I should follow that holiday to the letter!

That being said, it was a nice day. My friends on Facebook sent lovely birthday wishes. An old friend called me in the morning.  And my husband and parents gave me birthday gifts (a small shopping spree is in the near future). Plus "Little Man" sent me flowers (pic to come tomorrow).

As you all see, I have NOT blogged regularly in around a year. I'm not sure why. But I decided to start again and this is my new beginning.

This is me and Little Man yesterday morning. He sort of looks like me in this pic, which is rare. I love this kid SO much!!!

The Balance

Lately I've been trying to find the balance. How to be me. How to be a wife. How to be a mother. How to be a daughter with disabled, Senior parents (who aren't even 70 yet). It's not easy and I haven't really found it.

Here is my nighttime routine in short:

1. Get Little Man upstairs
2. Sit him on the potty and cheer if he pees!
3. Get him in his overnight diaper and pajamas
4. Brush his teeth
5. Give kisses and pass him off to daddy
6. Go downstairs to my parents' suite
7. Help my mom go to the bathroom
8. Help my mom into her adult diaper 
9. Help my mom out of her clothes/into her nightgown
10. Kiss her goodnight 
11. Go upstairs to sit with my husband and job hunt*

*Note: I am currently unemployed and seeking full time employment. It has been a rough month or so and hopefully I will find something before unemployment insurance runs out this Winter.

So finding the balance between caring for everyone and digging myself out of a financial hole that I dug myself for the most part, is not easy. And when I do get that new job, I'll have to balance full-time daycare drop offs and being a working mother as well as a part-time caregiver (my dad actually does most of it). Add to the mix my sibling living here and not contributing and adding to emotional turmoil... well, I don't know how long we'll last and then my mother will suffer.

It's hard being in the generation I am in and being an "older" mother. My situation is a big part of why we chose to be "one and done" because if I had two, I think I'd be having a breakdown. I just cannot split my attention any further. It is not an easy road ahead of me... I just hope I have the energy to get myself where I should be and our family in a better place.

Yeah... well... huh...

So I haven't written since May 22nd. Wow. It's been a LONG time, huh?  Yeah, well, I've been BUSY. Lots going on with me and tonight I'll keep it brief because Little Man has been in the midst of some sort of sleep regression/fear/phobia deal. He won't fall asleep unless myself or my husband sits in his room with him. He'll get up and SCREAM "Mama! Dada! Mama! Dada! MAMA!DADA!" until one of us comes back. This started about 2 weeks ago.

So for the updates since the end of May.

• My nephew H turned 9.
• My Dad had his hip replaced on June 18th and has been in a rehab facility since the 22nd
• My nephew M turned 7
• Our 4th anniversary was June 22 and we actually had a date night, thanks to my BFF, and saw the Pixar movie Brave.
• Little Man stopped napping (last week of June) even though he still NEEDS a nap
• Sleep has been royally fucked up for us all
• BOTH of my parents are coming home on July 13th.

So big changes are ahead for my family.  I am anxious about this, even though I am glad my mom will be home because I know she has been extremely lonely in the nursing home. But so much of this falls on me. I already am caring for an energetic preschooler, working part-time for my family business, job hunting, keeping up with the house and caring for an elderly dog... I barely have time for myself or my husband. So add my parents to the mix without any help... it's a rough thing.

I hope Little Man starts sleeping again. We'll be doing the switch to the Big Boy Bed in the next week or so, so I figure I'll have more sleepless nights ahead of me. But he surprised me with the pacifier, so you never know.   And then he turns THREE in August. Wow.

So that's the update.  I keep saying I'll keep up here and I never do. I guess I should keep my word.

I'll try. I promise.

Fire Alarms and Road Trips

Ah, March went out like a lion for my family ... I guess I can't expect to have an uneventful life, can I?

Last Tuesday, March 27th, Little Man and I stuck to our usual routine. His OT came by at 10 am (he has sensory issues) and after his session we were both wiped. But for some reason, after he had lunch, I decided to sanitize his pacifiers by boiling them. You're supposed to let it boil for 5 minutes, so I left the pot unattended while I put Little Man down for his nap (around 12:15 pm). But instead of going right back downstairs, I sat down in my bedroom and started to watch TV. I was chilled so I put my space heater on. After a few minutes, I smelled something and shut of the heater, thinking it was a short. But then the fire alarm went off!!!!

Instantly I remembered that I had been boiling the pacifiers. I ran downstairs into the kitchen and there were FLAMES shooting out of the pot! I just panicked. I put a lid on top of the pot but it was too big and didn't fully put out the fire. There was smoke everywhere. Then the alarm company called and said to get out of the house (when I said I was having problems with the fire) and I ran back upstairs and grabbed Little Man, who was freaking out in his crib, and ran outside—no jacket for me, no shoes for Little Man. I tried to leave him in the car so I could go back to check on the dogs, but he freaked again. I got so upset thinking the dogs would be hurt. But the police and fire departments were there within minutes and my neighbor from across the street opened her home so we could warm up. I babysat for her kids as a teenager, so she's known me for ages. But it was nice, since I haven't really spoken to her since then. The fire was contained to that pot and it was put out quickly and the smoke dissipated after a few hours. But no nap for Little Man and I canceled his afternoon DI session.

I was so angry at myself for being so careless. But I've learned to forgive myself and I'll never leave a pot unattended again.

That week was also Dude's last week of working in NYC. I hope after he adjusts to the new job, he'll be much happier. Especially with the 25 minute commute vs. 2 hour (each way). He started yesterday, so I guess we'll see.

Anyway, we also took a road trip to NoVA to attend a wedding on 3/31. We went down on Thursday morning and met a friend for lunch outside of Baltimore, on the way down. We stayed at the Ritz-Carlton in Tyson's Corner, Virginia. It was amazingly kid friendly. While expensive, I highly recommend the hotel chain if you can afford it. (For us, it was a splurge.)

We met a friend of mine and her son on Friday morning and then took a trip to the National Air and Space Museum Steven F. Udvar-Hazy Center in the afternoon. It was pretty neat to see the Space Shuttle and the Enola Gay. Parking is $15 but free after 4 pm, which is when we got there.  And the 1.5 hours until it closes at 5 is definitely enough time to see most of the exhibits.

On Saturday morning I had a massage and a manicure. Dude took Little Man to a local park.  He refused to nap after lunch so we actually took a drive so he would sleep—since the wedding was that night. He fell asleep the minute we got onto the highway and we actually drove into Washington D.C. We saw, from the car, the Washington Monument, the Jefferson Memorial and the remnants of the Cherry Blossoms (which had bloomed a week earlier than usual due to the early Spring). Then we headed back to Virginia and hit a grocery store so Little Man could eat before the wedding. It was a good call since he wasn't going to eat any of the items on the menu.  And he did amazingly well at the wedding. For a 2-year-old to be up late and overstimulated... I'm just amazed that he made it through the wedding cake (but not the other dessert) and that he even danced a bit.

The drive home was quick, which is a rarity for 1-95. I'm just glad that this road trip was much more successful than prior ones. We've learned that he cannot be in the car for much longer than 2 - 2.5 hours and that he has to be down for his nap BEFORE 1 pm or he won't sleep at all. No more trips for us for a while. We're saving and paying down debt. And hopefully I'll find a new job soon, too.

My Mom

I know I wrote a brief update last week about my mom's hospitalization and how the last few weeks have affected me—and my whole family. But it was brief and I have a lot of thoughts that I feel I want to get off my chest. Though writing them down, publicly, is somewhat daunting.

Six years ago, I'd never have thought my mom would be lying in a bed in a nursing home, trapped in her own body. Unable to speak. Unable to move. Destroyed by Parkinson's Disease. Six years ago we took a mother-daughter vacation to Walt Disney World. We danced along with parades and ate ice cream at midnight after seeing Circe du Soleil. 

This is what we looked like:

My mom will never travel again.  That makes me so sad, because she loved to explore new places and see the sights. She loved seeing Broadway shows... but I don't think she'll do that either. Not unless she surprises all her doctors with an amazing recovery and isn't ashamed to go to a show in a wheelchair. And that's assuming a lot of things.

I blame myself for a lot of how my mom deteriorated. I saw it but turned a blind eye to things and let my dad say that she was OK. That she had seen doctors and, despite the weight loss, they didn't seem too concerned. But when my dad went to Houston on business that last Thursday of January, I knew things were much worse than I thought.

Due to the Parkinson's Disease, my mom lost her ability to swallow. The food and Ensure shakes she was eating/drinking went into her chest cavity and brought on Pneumonia. She had two surgeries in less than a week and the result is a most-likely permanent feeding tube and the risk of aspiration from being unable to swallow her own saliva.

It's not easy leaving her alone there. But I have an active 2-1/2 year old son to keep up with. He has a lot of his own challenges—the most recent is hearing loss from the fluid in his ears and possible surgery (tubes) to fix it. So I am quite overwhelmed by it all and haven't found the balance yet. I hope I do soon.

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

Not in my nuclear family--we are still one and done and a family of 3 (plus dog) but in my work life. For the last 8 years, I've worked for my father's business which imports and manufactures masquerade items and sells to stores and online retailers. Until two years ago, we were doing quite well and it was the ideal job to work and care for my son. But due to the state of the economy, the business has been doing poorly and we have to downsize greatly.

For me, that means some different things. I'll still work for my dad, but the plan is for me to work from home most of the time. I'm not sure how well that will work out. I also may be the only employee who deals with our customers and I'm still trying to figure out the logistics of this with an active two-year-old. And it's been very hectic packing up our current office (we have to relocate) and set up my home office in the room next to Little Man's bedroom.

That room, since Dude and I moved into my family home, has been like a catchall for junk. There are items there that my parents haven't even looked at in 30 plus years! I found a box of bank receipts from the year my parents moved into the house when I was 6 months old. It's crazy! And, yesterday when Dude pulled up the carpeting in the room (original to the house), we found there was a water leak and there is MOLD in the corner by a built-in unit, by the sole window, and I'm not sure how easy it will be to clean up--plus I'm not sure what damage the water did to the flooring (wood under the carpet). Otherwise we're well on our way to getting the room set up for me to work in and to FINALLY unpack my book collection--once we've put up new shelving.

Now this is the plan. But, since I'm not feeling too optimistic about the long-term potential for this career path, I'm also sending out resumes and hoping to find a new job. That would be a HUGE change. Little Man would have to go to daycare full time and I don't know how well he'd adjust. He'd have his EI sessions at school and I would be less involved in them. But if I do get a new job, I'll have an escape from my family and potentially a better salary and benefits. I've applied for one position that would be great (not a guarantee) and I'm very nervous about that. But nothing risked, nothing gained--plus I have no true risk since if I don't get the job, I'm still where I was.

So lots ahead of me. I'll have a quiet December overall as the office relocates since I can't actually do too much to help there. Only a few hours each day while Little Man is in "school." And come January, I'll either be at a new job or figuring out working from home--caring for my son and my mom. This won't be easy.

November: Almost Gone

I've only blogged once this month. There are various reasons why. One is that work sucks and my career path is in jeopardy. Two is that I've been sick with two sinus infections. There is that Little Man has been sick with a sinus infection as well. Add allergy testing and familial issues to the mix... well, that equals one SweetNJMom with little time to blog. That would be me.

So the quick highlights of November... starting with the biggie from earlier this week. Little Man does not fall onto the Autism Spectrum and "just" has a language delay. We took him to a developmental pediatrician (cost to us to be determined later) and she felt that he was "delightful" and that while he does have some sensory issues, he should outgrow them. She did feel it was good that he was in EI and getting therapy but that, overall, he's a bright, happy child who should catch up given time.

Other November highlights...

• Falling asleep on the sofa and waking up to see Little Man shirtless
• Going to Nordstrom and finding out that Little Man is a size 9.5 medium now (his old shoes were 8 wide!)
• Hearing Little Man say his name (sort of) for the first time
• Getting a kiss from my son
• Watching my child hug his classmates and dance to "Ring-Around-the-Rosie"

He's now 2-1/4 and time is going by SO fast! My Little Man weighs 33 lb and is firmly wearing size 3T clothing. He looks like a BOY more than a baby. I can understand why mothers yearn for a new baby around this time. It's there, a bit, in the back of my mind. But then I think of how much I love my child and how I want so many other things for his life—as well as mine and Dude's—and that thought passes quickly.

I think it's because November is an important month for me. I was engaged on November 1, 2007. Little Man was conceived in November in 2008. And November truly marks, to me, the change from warmth to cold. From light to dark. This November is bringing more dark than light to my life but I hope as the season changes, life will also do so, and for the better.

I'll try to be better with my blog. Not that I have many followers, but at the very least for myself.

When Mom is Sick

She doesn't get a break like Dad does. I'm not sure why. Though, perhaps it would be different if the dad was the primary caregiver. But in my case, I still generally do more. This is NOT to say that Dude doesn't do a lot as father. He does. He's very involved. But it generally seems to fall upon me to do more.

I have a cold. It's just a cold. But I'm feeling pretty crappy and I want to rest and I CAN'T. I tried to nap and my sister-in-law called to check in on us. So no nap. Then Little Man woke up. Dude tried to take him out to play on the swing set but someone was mowing the lawn and scared him. I was trying to rest and watch Project Runway. That ended.

And I feel terrible for complaining. I love my son. I yearned for him. But I guess I'm selfish. I like me time probably just as much. I guess it's a good thing I'm only having one child. I don't think I'd be able to divide my time. And add my parents to the mix...

There's more to it. But even though I'm pretty open here on the interwebs, I realize that I should show discretion, too. Not all of my life should be an open book. Even though I find my blog to be cathartic. I know I need to keep some things private.

I guess that's the worse part of when I get a cold. My mind wanders. 

The Evolution of Sleep

One of my very first blog posts, as a parent, was about my "Newborn Vampire" and how he had his days and nights mixed up. That was on my old blog and I've never figured out how to move the posts here.  This one started a few months later, and focused a lot on Little Man's helmet journey and my mixed up emotions. Heck, it still focuses on my mixed up emotions!

Anyway, I'm talking about sleep because it's a precious thing. I've driven around for an hour to keep Little Man napping--if he fell asleep in the car. Though I never drove anywhere to get him to fall asleep like some of my mom friends have. Thankfully I never felt that desperate.  At the beginning, Little Man was a terrible sleeper--particularly during the day. The only place he'd sleep was ON ME or in his infant carrier. The latter contributed to his brachycephaly.

Somewhere around 3 months of age, he slept through the night (STTN).  It was short-lived. And from 3-6 months, his sleep was erratic. Some nights he'd sleep from 10 pm (his initial bedtime) to around 5 am, then take a bottle and go back to sleep for 2 hours. Other nights he'd sleep from 10-2 and then from 3-6 and nap several times during the day. There was a dark period--from 6 to 9 months, where he was just a rotten sleeper. I blame that on teeth (got the first 2 just before/at 6 months and the second 2 around 9 months).  Thankfully, at 9 months, he began sleeping on his tummy. Once he did that, STTN was common and no longer infrequent. His bedtime was (and still is) at 8-8:30 and he usually sleeps until 6:30 am. So his average is 10 hours of sleep per night--I wish I could have 8!

Naps, however, took longer to get on track.  As I said, initially he'd only sleep in his infant carrier or ON me--until about 5/6 months when he got too heavy, I was fine with him sleeping in my Baby K'tan Carrier. He'd also sleep pretty well in his travel swing (once he had the DOC Band, I didn't worry about that). But he never slept in a Pack-n-Play and that caused some issues, as it was his "nap place" at my office until he was 9 months old.

At that time, my in-laws moved and I got the crib they had for the grandkids. Little Man would sleep there--but only after I had rocked him to sleep and transferred him to the crib. And the naps were short. Both weren't more than 45 minutes most days. And he'd almost always fall asleep in the car, on the way home, for about 20 minutes.

Finally at 11 months of age, I decided that enough was enough! I needed him to nap! So I let him cry it out (CIO) for naps. No Ferber checks. Just crying. The first day he wailed for about 30 minutes but eventually slept (sniffling in his sleep) for close to 2 hours). The second day was worse. But by day 3, he was napping within 10 minutes of being put in his crib. And until last February, when he turned 18 months, he took his first nap at home (at around 9 am, and I'd be at work by 11) and his second nap at the office, at around 1:30 pm.  Both naps were about 1-1.5 hours long.

Since he was 18 months old, he's been on a "schedule" of sorts. One nap per day. The nap usually begins at 12:30 after his lunch.  He'll sleep anywhere from 1.5 to 3 hours, with 2 being the average until recently. Lately it's been 2.5 to 3 hours. But if he sleeps too long he's crabby.  But I think he is happier at night after his 3 hour nap. I know I can get much more done while he's sleeping. And, when I'm home, I'll nap too.  My husband doesn't understand--he's not a good napper. But I love naps and will nap whenever I can, especially while Little Man still does.

I'll miss the days of napping when he eventually drops them.  I hope it's not for a while. While it does limit my afternoon activities, I like naps.

Caught in the Middle

When the whole Charlie Sheen meltdown was happening and when the Bronx Zoo Cobra had "escaped," I decided to finally become a twit and join Twitter.  I chose the same screen name there as I have here: sweetnjmom. I'd like to think I'm sweet and I am a mom from NJ.  I'm not that creative.   The reason I mention this is because of my profile there. It says:

I'm a busy mom who is taking care of my toddler son, my hard-working husband, my neurotic dog and my disabled parents and trying to find the time to do it all.

It's pretty true. I'm trying to find a way to do it all.

My dad is technically disabled. He needs his right hip and both knees replaced. I think once that's done, he'll be in pretty good shape for a (soon-to-be) 69-year-old man. But, for now, he uses a walker and a cane and is in excruciating pain from his damaged hip and bum knees.

My mom has Parkinson's Disease and an Orthostatic Tremor. Two separate neurological conditions. She is also extremely depressed. Because this is a public blog, I won't go any further. But she doesn't really care for herself and she doesn't let my father or me help care for her. It's so hard when someone you love is hurting.

Add to the mix taking care of my toddler son and keeping up with his therapies through Early Intervention, I'm feeling very overwhelmed by it all.  Little Man is actually progressing quite well and his DI therapist is extremely optimistic about his progress. His speech therapist has only seen him twice, but has also noted his progress. So I'm feeling more positive about everything and I'm seeing a subtle change in his behavior already. He rebounds from tantrums more quickly. They're less intense. Less frequent. And shorter, too.

So I feel like I'm always in the middle and never getting anywhere.  And there are other family relationships that are complex and that leave me feeling like I can do no right. Finding a balance between being a mom, daughter, sister, wife and friend is not easy. I really hope there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow or a light at the end of the tunnel. Because I'm feeling like I'm on a never-ending road, or going round and round in circles. I need a break.

EI Update and First Ear Infection

Last Thursday I was supposed to drop Little Man off at his school in the morning and then come back home to have my IFSP meeting with Early Intervention.  But when he woke up, he felt quite hot to the touch and I took his fever with an ear thermometer and it was 100.7 and he seemed somewhat clingy, so I kept him home.   I still had the meeting (in the kitchen, while Little Man watched classic Disney cartoons on the DVD player in the family room) and the plan is set for him to have speech therapy once a week and work with a developmental interventionist (generally a special ed teacher) twice a week--that's 3 hours total per week.  We set simple goals (6 month) of speaking in 2 word purposeful sentences, saying his own name, responding to his name and following adult-led play for 10 minutes. I also want him to be less "dependent" on his Donald Duck toy. I guess more on this once the therapies start, by the end of August.

When the EI team left, I planned to give Little Man lunch and put him down for his nap. He just seemed not hungry, though he ate a little, and felt MUCH warmer. So I took his temperature and it was 101.7! This might not seem like a lot to those moms whose little ones have had fevers.  But this, honestly, was his first one over 101.  I managed to get some children's Tylenol in him (Dude had picked some up, since we wanted to have it handy) and he napped, badly, for short periods of time. Maybe two 20 minute stretches. When he woke he was VERY clingy and we just watched Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on the DVR.  I managed to take him out with me, for a short trip, to Rite Aid to get him Children's Ibuprofen. Since his fever was still 101.5, I gave him Tylenol at 4 pm and then Motrin before bedtime.

The next day, Friday July 29th, he woke up feeling cool to the touch. But I took his temp again, in the ear, and he fought me like crazy. (Should have been a hint.) He was normal, but he was acting strangely. He kept crying and screaming and saying "Boo boo! Boo boo!" By 9:30 am he was spent, and I put him down for an early nap. I planned to sleep, too, as I'd had little sleep the night before, listening to Little Man crying in HIS sleep. But I called the pediatrician before I conked out and scheduled an appointment for 12:15, as his behavior was quite odd and I knew something was off.  We both napped and when he woke I gave him an early lunch (not that he ate much, but I managed to get some yogurt and blueberries into him) and we headed to the doctor.

Of course at the doctor's office, he was running around like crazy and giggling. It was like nothing was wrong. So I thought I'd taken him there for nothing. And after a HUGE fit when the nurse tried to get his oxygen levels (first on his finger, then on his foot) and a broken baby scale (we used the "big" one and he was 31.8 lb), we were finally seen by our favorite pediatrician in the group. He checked Little Man out, listened to his chest, looked in his throat (no 2 year molars yet), left ear... right ear... YEP.  He had an ear infection!  That happened to be MY first illness (at age 3). So he's copying his mama and earlier. Makes sense that he gets sick once he starts daycare/preschool, right?

We head home to get the prescribed Amoxicillin (pedi called it in) with a brief stop at my office (was there too long, but I had no choice) and I managed to "force-feed" him the bubblegum pink medication close to 4 pm. I thought he'd take a late nap, but nope. I think the flavors in the antibiotics are all sugar because he was so hyper after that first dose and I felt like a limp noodle. The second dose was easier but not by much. And Dude's train was VERY late so he was in a pissy mood and got home late. He didn't even want to see Little Man, which made me upset, since he wanted his daddy. But I put him to bed (around 8:15 or so) by myself and he slept mostly OK.

Now to add insult to injury, *I* came down with Bronchitis this week! So both of us are on antibiotics. Me, a Z-pack, since we're 90% sure I'm allergic to Penicillin.  And with a switch in our health insurance, I had to pay out of pocket and am canceling other appointments this week. But that's for another vent.

In less than 10 days now, Little Man will turn 2.  Time goes so fast. I'm grateful it took 23 months for him to get sick the first time.  And he's doing pretty well now (day 8 of antibiotics) and did much better in school this week. I, however, am EXHAUSTED.

Sh!t Happens!

Yesterday was July 4th and we have a friend who is a volunteer firefighter.  So Dude and I took Little Man to take a ride in a fire truck.  They sat in the front seat (I was in the cab) and they had a fantastic time. Dude mostly.  Men are just big boys, right? But I'm glad they had fun and it was a nice way to celebrate the 4th.  Here is Little Man wearing his new fireman's hat!



So after we left, around 11 am, Little Man fell asleep in the car!  We didn't expect that, and Dude needed new sneakers so we were headed to the Reebok outlet nearby. So I stayed in the car with our son as my husband shopped for shoes. After about 35 minutes (including the time to the store), Little Man woke up. So we decided to have lunch at Panera before heading home. We had yogurt for the kiddo and we got stuff there.

After our meal, Dude was in the men's room and Little Man turned bright red and started grunting. I knew EXACTLY what was happening. Oy vey!  He then started screaming in pain. So I got him out of the high chair and he finished pooping--or so I thought--on my lap.  Dude came back from the bathroom and I let him know that I had to change the boy.  So off I went, hoping for little or no struggle.

WARNING: GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION OF A MESSY DIAPER CHANGE AHEAD.

AGAIN, I WARNED YOU.

OK, HERE WE GO.

In the bathroom, the changing table was in the handicapped stall.  I got Little Man situated, putting a disposable pad under him, and I pulled off his shorts (left his shoes on) and opened the diaper to one of the biggest poops I've seen! He hadn't pooped since Saturday, so I guess it was 2 days worth. It filled the diaper and was still coming out of his tush. As I pulled the diaper back, more poop came out.   I managed to wipe a lot away but still saw some poop just hanging there.  Like half in/half out of his tush.

I had to pull away the dirty diaper, because he began kicking and put his shoe IN some poop. Ack!  Got more wipes and put the dirty diaper and used wipes in a plastic bag (for used diapers, Munchkin brand). They he PEES all over himself and his clothing.  Starts SCREAMING!

So I'm trying to wipe him off and he then shits all over the table.

There is crap everywhere.  I had to wipe it off the table and him--and ME, since it was on my hands!  Then a wipe, with poop on it, fell on the floor!!!  Ack!

I'm not sure how I managed to get a clean diaper on him and bag his dirty clothes in another scented sack and also get most of the poop and his diaper in another. But I did.  And I tossed the refuse in a trash bin and tried to wash my hands, while my screaming toddler was attached to my hip.  Then I walked out, with my son only wearing a diaper and shoes, to tell the staff at Panera that they have a problem in their handicapped stall (ie. poop all over the changing station and the floor.) The woman doesn't seem to understand, but I couldn't linger and walked through the restaurant to where Dude was waiting.

"Take him!" is all I manage to say at first.

Then I shared with him, what I've just shared with you.  Dude helps me dress him in his "emergency outfit" and Little Man settles down and actually eats a bit more. I guess he had room, finally.

I use hand sanitizer to make up for whatever I missed during my futile attempt at washing my hands.  And then I have to pee. I am mortified and don't want to go back to the bathroom. But I do.  And when I'm done--and have noticed the poop is still all over that stall--I let the manager know what happened.   Soooo embarrassed as I say it. But they're nice and say they'll take care of it.

We leave quickly.

So I'm not sure we'll ever be welcome in the Panera on Route 202 in Flemington, NJ. Hopefully the other locations don't know of my reputation.  Mom of the killer pooper.

Oh well, shit happens.

All over the place.

Yuck.

What a month!

In the last month, I've had a lot of time to reflect on things. My father had surgery to close an abdominal abscess from a hernia surgery back in 2003. This abscess was infected with MRSA (now resolved) and the surgery was complex. My father is currently recuperating at home. It's pretty intense. The visiting nurse service is coming 3x per week as is a physical therapist. Though he has the go-ahead to get back to most normal activities, he cannot come back to work for another 3 weeks--though he may stop by to supervise (as it is his company). And my mother's Parkinson's Disease has also worsened. The day after my father's surgery, I took her to her specialist in NYC. The visit was good and bad. Good in that I have a better understanding of what's going on. Bad in that I'm not entirely sure my mother is completely lucid all the time.

So a lot of stress for me as most of this falls on my shoulders. My brother, who lives in the family home, is not able to help me. His business is not to share here, but I can say that I'm alone in this. And my husband has a long, stressful commute to his job in NYC and when he is home, things still fall on me. Add taking care of a chronically cranky toddler (maybe not chronically, but definitely often), I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Therefore I let a lot of my worries about Little Man's speech go for now. He is now 21 months old and he still doesn't say that much, but I have noticed an increase over the last week. I'm hoping that over the next 2.5 months I see a major language explosion so I can go to his 2 year well visit in August confident that he is progressing as he should. But if he is not, my focus WILL shift back to my son's speech and I will get him any and all aid he needs.

I'm still hoping he'll just suddenly say to me "Mama, yogurt please!" or "Dada, more berries." We'll see.

Little Man is my joy. He really is. Even when I complain about the tantrums (the ones for no apparent reason are the worst) and how hard it is to change his diaper sometimes, he makes my life complete. Not so long ago, really, I thought I'd never get married or have a child. I'm glad things turned out as they did. And even though once upon a time I thought I'd have two children--a boy and a girl--I am content with just my boy and hope that one day, he will marry a fantastic woman who will, in some way, become a daughter to me.

Assumptions

My blog post yesterday about the woman who drove her car into the Hudson River was written prior to more information about this tragedy. Here's an updated article about it (as of April 14th at 10:30 am).

I made assumptions about this woman without knowing the full story. Though my initial reaction of horror remains. Because I cannot imagine murdering my children, no matter how distraught I may be. But I am lucky in having the support of a loving family. I know that, if I ever needed them, they'd be there for me. My aunts and uncles, too, even though my relationship with them has been damaged due to my brother's interactions with them. They love me, but because I live with my brother, I don't see or speak to them as often as I would had had I not moved in with my family.

People make assumptions all the time. About how well off one may be. About others' lives. And there is that saying about making assumptions: Never assume, for it makes an ASS out of U and ME.

I'm going to try to teach Little Man to make decisions based on fact. Or, at the very least, to be willing to let his mind be changed. But I want him to be true to himself as well. Teaching him to be able to find a balance will be my true job as a parent.

So those are my thoughts today. And I also still tend to track monthly milestones as today Little Man is 20 months old. In just 4 more months, he'll turn 2. And over the next 30 days I plan to keep an eye (or ear) on his speech. His pediatrician said if he wasn't speaking in 2 word sentences by 21 months to make an appointment to discuss his speech. I don't want to ASSUME he'll need Early Intervention, but I also don't want to dismiss it. Hopefully he's on track and will catch up. I guess we'll see.

Mothers Who Kill

After years of longing to be a mother--thinking I'd never get married or have that child I'd always dreamed of--I cannot even fathom harming a hair on his head. Of course there are moments when Little Man's extreme tantrums drive me to yell at him and feel quite frustrated. But when I have those moments of human frailty, I will safely deposit Little Man in his crib and walk away for a moment to catch my breath. And if I yell at him, I apologize for losing my temper. But to even consider harming him... it makes me sick.

Today I read about a New York State woman who drowned 3 of her 4 children, only sparing her 10-year-old son. The story link is here: New York Mother Drives Minivan Into Hudson River, Killing 3 Kids and Self I cannot understand being so depressed (which is my assumption, PPD) that the only solution a woman finds is to drown herself and her children. I understand suicidal thoughts but not murderous ones--especially when at one's own children. But my bout of the baby blues was relatively mild, once I'd decided to formula feed. And I was worried about Postpartum Depression, because I've battled depression in the past.

But I think there must be something more to this. Why drowning? Is it biblical in a manner that I cannot understand, as my faith is different? Several women have done this. Susan Smith. Andrea Yates. Even last year, there was a woman who did this (I'd have to Google to find out who/where). Now this NY woman. I cannot even imagine how her surviving son feels right now. My heart breaks for him.

So today I will spend my time with Little Man reminding myself how lucky I am to have him. I always knew that if I only had one child, I would have a son. And I do have this AMAZING son and I am so grateful for him and would do whatever I could to protect him--even from myself. Thankfully I never had to worry about that. Sadly there are children who do.

Mister Personality and Miscellany

I noticed that I tend to blog about the less appealing aspects of motherhood. The sleepless nights. Hefting a nearly 28 lb toddler around. The temper tantrums. The nap strikes. And I guess I write about that because I need a place to vent about this. But, overall, my son is an absolutely amazing little boy who has a fantastic, sunny personality. Dude and I called him Sunshine when he was an infant because his sunny smile lit up rooms. His nature is cheerful, overall. Even when he's cranky, he can be FUN!

This picture, I think, captures Little Man's personality.



He has such a joyous energy about him. Recently a post on The Bump discussed describing your little one in one word. I chose "Charmer." I think it suits him. The response he gets from people is amazing. Even from just photos online. I have many people I consider to be friends, of sorts, from meeting them on various message boards. I've reconnected on Facebook with some—along with friends from college and high school (or even elementary school). I find it nice, actually. Even though I thought I would NOT want to be in touch with anyone, considering how much I hated school overall (due to the bullying). Yet I'm glad to be in touch with everyone that I am and I actually wish I could spend time with my friends in person. But that's for another blog altogether, I think.

Right now, Little Man is actually napping. He went out with us on errands—buying a new sofa for our "family" room (small TV room next to our kitchen) and getting a birthday present for our oldest niece, Miss M. And, as an aside, it's not easy buying for a six-going-on-sixteen-year-old. So we ended up getting her a gift card per my sister-in-law's suggestion. I hope Miss M isn't insulted by the lack of actual present.

Again, Little Man is napping. He slept from around 8:15 pm to 6 am (he almost always wakes by 6:30). Then he napped early (9:15 to 10:30). I took him for a long ride around the block in his Little Tikes car. He was SO happy because he adores being outdoors. Then after lunch, we bought the sofa (because the dogs keep peeing on the current one) and did our Toys R Us run. Then Costco to get food for dinner. And basically the minute his head hit the crib (no pillow yet), he was fast asleep—that was at 3:40 pm. It's almost 4:30 as I type and hopefully he'll manage an hour and will be cheerful for the rest of the day. It seems that Little Man gets crankier when he hasn't napped well. Though I also think it's due to his inability to run around as much as he'd like.

Tomorrow we'll see Dude's side of the family. All seven cousins will be together. I'm curious to see how Little Man does, since he doesn't really interact with other children. And I'm actually taking him to The Little Gym for a free introductory class tomorrow. If he likes it, I'll sign him up for the rest of the session. I hope he does.

Until next time...
SweetNJMom signing off

Two Years Ago, on Black Friday...

I found out I was pregnant.  Time sure does fly.  Now I have an amazing 15-month-old son who is the light of my life.  Then, just a week later, Dude's beloved Cavalier King Charles Spaniel died--on my mom and brother's birthday. What a roller coaster of emotion that time was.  Here we were, overjoyed to be expecting our first child, and a beloved pet dies. Even though she was 15, it was hard.  And we didn't want to say anything to our families that early (at only 4 weeks along) so we waited until I was 8 weeks.  A bit early, but I felt that if anything happened I'd want my family to know. So why not share?

Last year, on Black Friday, I slept as much as possible because Dude was home with me to share the burden of caring for a 3-month-old who still wasn't sleeping through the night (and that took time). I didn't go out, that I recall. I just remember being TIRED.  Actually, I'm pretty tired today. But my sleep issues have nothing to do with Little Man.

So this past Friday, we actually WENT OUT.   We stopped by my parents' house.  We ran some errands.  And when Little Man fell asleep in the car on the way home, we spontaneously decided to head to the outlets that were about a 30 minute drive--so he'd sleep longer--and if it was too busy, we'd head back. But by 4:30 pm, the crowds must have slowed down a bit.  So we hit up Carter's and Stride Rite and got a few basics for the boy.  His first pair of real sneakers (which he likes better than the leather shoes we got him) and a few pairs of pants and shirts in 24 month size.  They're a bit big, but the 18 month stuff is a bit tight.  He's right in the middle... almost out of one and almost in the other. But spending the little money we have on our son is worth it. Plus he needs clothes, right?

Maybe next year, on Black Friday, this mom can buy herself something nice.  Here's to a better year ahead and perhaps a better economy and better jobs for my entire family.

Family

I don't know if all parents discover children's music, but thanks to Nick Jr., I've been introduced to the (IMO) genius of Laurie Berkner.  Not only does Little Man absolutely adore her music (he "dances" to "I'm Gonna Catch You" and "Five Days Old") but so do I.  And my favorite song is "My Family" even though I often feel pangs of regret when sisters and brothers are mentioned. But overall the song is wonderful, and the line I bolded resonates.

F-A-M-I-L-Y
F-A-M-I-L-Y
F-A-M-I-L-Y
Family!

When you’re in my heart, you’re in my family,
When I’m in your heart, I’m in your family.
When you’re in my heart, you’re in my family,
When I’m in your heart, I’m in your family!
Fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers,
Cousins, friends, sons and daughters,
Uncles, aunts, and grandparents
I’m so glad you’re my family!

Oh, I’m so glad you’re my family.
I’m so glad you’re my family
I’m so glad you’re my family
I’m so glad you’re my family.

Even if you’re far away
or if I see your every day
when you’re in my heart to stay
You’re my family!

When you’re in my heart, you’re in my family
When I’m in your heart, I’m in your family.
When you’re in my heart, you’re in my family
When I’m in your heart, I’m in your family.
Fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers,
Cousins, friends, sons and daughters,
Uncles, aunts, and grandparents
I’m so glad you’re my family!

Oh, I’m so glad you’re my family.
I’m so glad you’re my family
I’m so glad you’re my family
I’m so glad you’re my family.

F-A-M-I-L-Y
F-A-M-I-L-Y
F-A-M-I-L-Y
Family!
Oh, I’m so glad!

I have several friends who I consider to be my family, because we're in each others' hearts. And I am so grateful that by marrying Dude, I have a wonderfully supportive family. It's like I have sisters, even though I don't see one of them too often, and I never realized I wanted that.

My sister-in-law, S, lives only 6 miles away so I see her more often than my other SIL, C.  Because of that geographic closeness, I know her better and I think she knows me better too. She is such a lovely woman.  S has helped me out by running to the store for me (when Little Man was a newborn) or fielded panicked phone calls. When Little Man was diagnosed with Torticollis and Brachycephaly, I had a breakdown and was home alone—she came right over.

My sister-in-law, C, is an awesome person, too.  I wish we lived closer and were able to see each other more often. When I initially tried breastfeeding Little Man, C was almost 9 months along with her fourth (my niece who is 6 weeks younger than Little Man) and she went above and beyond the call of duty (by demonstrating) when she tried to help me figure it out.  I was actually afraid of disappointing her when I decided to formula feed.  And C has such an easy manner with her children. They are kids so they have their moments, but overall they're wonderfully well-behaved and I hope to learn from her example.

I'm less close to my brothers-in-law.  I have more in common (interest-wise) with S's husband, J.  A love of cartoons and Muppets and other juvenile entertainment. And a shared fondness for the Baby Blues comic strip. But I feel awkward around Dude's older brother (C's husband), M.  It's probably more me. But I feel stupid around him. I'm much more comfortable with C. So lately I've found myself trying not to talk to him. That's wrong... I need to get over that. But I'm not sure how.

And I've mentioned that I adore my in-laws. They're great.  And Dude's aunt is such a generous woman, who is great with all her grand-nephews and nieces. So I'm lucky. I hit the in-law jackpot. Most people complain about theirs... but not me. Thank goodness!

As for my family, I have mixed emotions. I've mentioned my parents, who are wonderful. And my brother, who is complex. But my extended family is harder to discuss. I love most of them. I no longer have emotional ties to my one male cousin. But I never felt close to my female cousins due to the age difference—I'm 6, 8, 11 and 14 years older than they are.  Occasionally I am in touch, through Facebook, with my cousin's on my dad's side. But I seldom, if ever, hear from my cousins on my mom's side. I'm not sure if I want that to change or not. I hate getting hurt and it's easier to be distant than open myself up again to be rejected. And then I think I should be over these fears by now. I'm 40 years old... shouldn't I be past this? But I guess not.

So my family is Dude's and my friends. I'm so grateful that I have mended the one friendship that I almost permanently damaged and I'm doing my best to reconnect with friends that I have neglected due to motherhood and exhaustion. I hope they will accept my mea culpas, especially since they did that to me when their children were younger, but if not I will move on. I need to stop beating myself up for past mistakes. I really do.

Does being a mom change you?

Before I had children, I would have said no. No, of course it wouldn't change me. I'd still be the same person I was before but with added responsibilities. Well, that isn't the case.

Before I was a mom, I'd drive all over the place to see my friends. And I had these grandiose plans to just take Little Man with me. But he's a fussy napper and doesn't necessarily travel well (beyond 30 minutes in the car). So I've canceled plans with friends at the last minute and now have probably ruined a few friendships as well. It's like I freeze and panic. I never did that before. But now, all of a sudden, it's like I'm unable to do things on my own because I worry about Little Man and how he'll react--or how I'LL react due to the lack of sleep (he wakes up early) if I'm out too late.

So I've changed. Not always for the better. And I'm not sure how to let my friends know that I don't mean to hurt them with my indecisiveness. I love my friends. But I know I've let a few of them down in the last several months and I'm not sure they will accept my apologies. Perhaps if I'd only done it once, they would. But you know that saying: Fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me? These friends must feel like they are fools for thinking I'd be there.

It sucks. It really does. Because I know I'm making these poor choices and it stems from fear but I really can't convey this to my friends. I think my friends who are mothers understand (they say they do) and my best friend does (but we've known each other for 27 years) but a few of my friends may not.

So I hate that I haven't changed for the better. I'm still me. And I'm a good mother. And I'm not a bad person. But some of these changes have been for the worse.

Thirteen Months

No more monthly photos—not that I shared them here, though I think I should finally do so—but today Little Man is 13 months old. And to commemorate the milestone, I took him to his pediatrician to make sure his right eye was OK since it had been tearing for several days. His pedi couldn't find anything wrong but wanted to make sure everything was all right (as it was just ONE eye tearing) and sent me to a pediatric ophthalmologist. The eye doctor thinks it was a foreign body but couldn't see anything under his eyelid. Thankfully there were no scratches on his cornea.

So the morning was busy and Little Man did not nap—not his fault, I had to wake him to take him to the doctor. When he doesn't get his morning nap (and I assume it's still relatively common at 13 months) he is crankier during the day. Usually it's his "better" nap (from around 8:30/9:00 am until 10 am) and the afternoon nap is hit or miss. Today he did nap at my office—for those who don't know, he accompanies me to work as I work for a family-run business—for over an hour but when he woke up he was very clingy and I think the lack of earlier sleep affected him.

Overall, he's such a sweet boy. He gives "kisses" to everyone (blows them) and gives me actual ones (open mouth on my cheek) and big hugs. He's trying SO hard to walk but isn't quite there yet. I often wonder if his larger size—he was 25 lb 12 oz today—is the culprit. He has a lot more to carry than a 20 lb baby. But I'm not really concerned about him not walking yet, since I didn't walk until I was 17 months old and Dude was nearly 18 months when he took his first steps. But he's getting much better at standing unassisted and actually did so for over a minute today. Progress!

Little Man just makes me smile. I am so grateful that he's my son and a part of my life.