Avoidance

Well, it's been a long time. I have realized that lately that I am a master of avoidance. I have done it for years. The past four years, I've become the master! My blog here is one thing that I have avoided. Why? Because I write down my feelings. I just don't have the time to sit down and think and most of all - feel. I need to find out how to slow down and think. Slow down and grieve. I do not think I've really done that yet. I know it has been four years since Bob died but there is just SO MUCH TO DO!!!! I am forced to be strong at every bump and turn. I don't have the luxury of just being able to think and it is catching up with me. I'm wearing out. I've been stretched too thin. I'm like a robot that does what it needs to do, then gets turned off at night when the battery is running low. Honestly, my battery is drained at this point to the point of being close to dead. I need a new one because I think I'm dying inside. I've lost the person who I was and am just a robot.

I had an "ah-ha" moment this past weekend. I went with Mikaela, her friends and their parents to see a concert at Orchestra Hall in Minneapolis. It was a phenomenal concert and I was so happy to be there with GROWN-UPS! Something that is not work or school and is there just to be enjoyed. Something that was not with the little girls. My thoughts though are really hard to put into words except to say that Bob permeates my being. I don't think that people realize how I think of him at EVERY WAKING MOMENT! His loss affects EVERYTHING I do. There really is not way around it most of the time. I have to get up, I have to take care of my kids, I have to be strong, I cannot crumble because the family Bob and I created needs me to be strong. Bob comes into most of my conversations at home and when I go out and about. Talking about him is like breathing in our house because if we stop talking about him, we are scared of forgetting. When he is brought up in conversations outside of the house though, I find it seems to make others uncomfortable or not really sure of what to say. All the while, inside, I just want to talk about him at all times. That is how I keep him alive. I feel like his death and becoming a widow has now become my identity. I want to find ME - who I am! I don't want to be wallowing and I do not want being a widow to define me, yet I feel like I am and it is. Bob wouldn't have wanted me to wallow but how can I help it when the person who was so full of life, knowledge, humor and love is gone? He was my rock... He was my everything... I want him back and I cannot have that...

In my faith, we believe that the dead will be resurrected when God and His son make the earth into a paradise. It seems like a fairy tale but it is what I believe. The resurrection hope is just not a comfort for me though. The marriage bond ended in death. When Bob is resurrected, the children will still have their father, those that have lost parents, children, and friends will still have that relationship with them, that bond. Only marriage is different. It hurts. I understand the loving provision, because it leaves me free to remarry BUT I really only want Bob. There are other ways it is not a comfort - I do not have him here to help me raise the kids. I do not know when I will see him again. I not only grieve for my loss, I have had to be mother AND father to my kids, the head of the house, the "sole" parent (not just "single parent" mind you, that is different). To know that he has missed out on so much makes my heart ache so deep. To know him, and know how he was, I know it will make him sad to know he wasn't here to help, to see them and know that he's missed all the good and the bad. I feel shameful in admitting this, but it is how I feel. It is something I struggle with when I let myself think of him...

The simple fact of the matter is I am in love with a dead man. I cannot believe that four years have passed since his death. I do not understand how people can be in relationships after death. There are many widows I know that are in relationships or have married. I feel stuck. Yet at the same time, I'm more lonely than I have ever been. To live in a busy house with four children, some with special needs (and yes, ADHD, depression and anxiety are classified as special needs), and not have my best friend at my side - it is so lonely that my soul aches. He was my first boyfriend. He is the only man I have ever loved.

Dating is just not an option. I cannot see how I could possibly fit it into my already busy life. With school, work, kids and meetings - my cup is overflowing. My older kids would have a hard time with me dating. To not know when there will ever be relief is very hard for me to swallow. To think of going years or decades alone without companionship is so overwhelming it makes me want to cry. We were created to be partnered with someone. That fact is very apparent because almost everyone longs for companionship. There are days when I am so engrossed with the kids and their issues, that I get very little adult human contact. I do not think people realize how hard that is or that it is even an issue yet I live it. I am a social person. I have my children yes, but I can only handle so much of their conversations being the ONLY conversations that I am involved with during the day. There is nobody to care about ME in the way that Bob did. Another human to have constant contact with.

I know boo-freaking-hoo, if you have read my blog, you have heard it all before. The thing is though, it is still how I feel and I am still deeply wrapped up in the way that I feel. Avoiding my grief has left me stagnant in my healing. I yearn to be able to step out and move forward. It is just very hard when avoidance is what I have learned to do......