Avoidance

Well, it's been a long time. I have realized that lately that I am a master of avoidance. I have done it for years. The past four years, I've become the master! My blog here is one thing that I have avoided. Why? Because I write down my feelings. I just don't have the time to sit down and think and most of all - feel. I need to find out how to slow down and think. Slow down and grieve. I do not think I've really done that yet. I know it has been four years since Bob died but there is just SO MUCH TO DO!!!! I am forced to be strong at every bump and turn. I don't have the luxury of just being able to think and it is catching up with me. I'm wearing out. I've been stretched too thin. I'm like a robot that does what it needs to do, then gets turned off at night when the battery is running low. Honestly, my battery is drained at this point to the point of being close to dead. I need a new one because I think I'm dying inside. I've lost the person who I was and am just a robot.

I had an "ah-ha" moment this past weekend. I went with Mikaela, her friends and their parents to see a concert at Orchestra Hall in Minneapolis. It was a phenomenal concert and I was so happy to be there with GROWN-UPS! Something that is not work or school and is there just to be enjoyed. Something that was not with the little girls. My thoughts though are really hard to put into words except to say that Bob permeates my being. I don't think that people realize how I think of him at EVERY WAKING MOMENT! His loss affects EVERYTHING I do. There really is not way around it most of the time. I have to get up, I have to take care of my kids, I have to be strong, I cannot crumble because the family Bob and I created needs me to be strong. Bob comes into most of my conversations at home and when I go out and about. Talking about him is like breathing in our house because if we stop talking about him, we are scared of forgetting. When he is brought up in conversations outside of the house though, I find it seems to make others uncomfortable or not really sure of what to say. All the while, inside, I just want to talk about him at all times. That is how I keep him alive. I feel like his death and becoming a widow has now become my identity. I want to find ME - who I am! I don't want to be wallowing and I do not want being a widow to define me, yet I feel like I am and it is. Bob wouldn't have wanted me to wallow but how can I help it when the person who was so full of life, knowledge, humor and love is gone? He was my rock... He was my everything... I want him back and I cannot have that...

In my faith, we believe that the dead will be resurrected when God and His son make the earth into a paradise. It seems like a fairy tale but it is what I believe. The resurrection hope is just not a comfort for me though. The marriage bond ended in death. When Bob is resurrected, the children will still have their father, those that have lost parents, children, and friends will still have that relationship with them, that bond. Only marriage is different. It hurts. I understand the loving provision, because it leaves me free to remarry BUT I really only want Bob. There are other ways it is not a comfort - I do not have him here to help me raise the kids. I do not know when I will see him again. I not only grieve for my loss, I have had to be mother AND father to my kids, the head of the house, the "sole" parent (not just "single parent" mind you, that is different). To know that he has missed out on so much makes my heart ache so deep. To know him, and know how he was, I know it will make him sad to know he wasn't here to help, to see them and know that he's missed all the good and the bad. I feel shameful in admitting this, but it is how I feel. It is something I struggle with when I let myself think of him...

The simple fact of the matter is I am in love with a dead man. I cannot believe that four years have passed since his death. I do not understand how people can be in relationships after death. There are many widows I know that are in relationships or have married. I feel stuck. Yet at the same time, I'm more lonely than I have ever been. To live in a busy house with four children, some with special needs (and yes, ADHD, depression and anxiety are classified as special needs), and not have my best friend at my side - it is so lonely that my soul aches. He was my first boyfriend. He is the only man I have ever loved.

Dating is just not an option. I cannot see how I could possibly fit it into my already busy life. With school, work, kids and meetings - my cup is overflowing. My older kids would have a hard time with me dating. To not know when there will ever be relief is very hard for me to swallow. To think of going years or decades alone without companionship is so overwhelming it makes me want to cry. We were created to be partnered with someone. That fact is very apparent because almost everyone longs for companionship. There are days when I am so engrossed with the kids and their issues, that I get very little adult human contact. I do not think people realize how hard that is or that it is even an issue yet I live it. I am a social person. I have my children yes, but I can only handle so much of their conversations being the ONLY conversations that I am involved with during the day. There is nobody to care about ME in the way that Bob did. Another human to have constant contact with.

I know boo-freaking-hoo, if you have read my blog, you have heard it all before. The thing is though, it is still how I feel and I am still deeply wrapped up in the way that I feel. Avoiding my grief has left me stagnant in my healing. I yearn to be able to step out and move forward. It is just very hard when avoidance is what I have learned to do......

Memorial Details – Minnesota Crash Victims Memorial

Memorial Details – Minnesota Crash Victims Memorial

Unqualified Widow/er going on past 50,000 miles

So the government has a tax law that says you can be a "qualifying widow/er" for the next two tax years after you lose your spouse. It is kind of like saying you are still married when you file to have the same tax breaks as a married couple. The year 2007 was no longer a box to check for the 2010 tax forms. Apparently the IRS feels that I need to move on to just being "single". It got me thinking... Will I ever really be single? Or will my title always be widow? I feel that the title widow is so much deeper than just being single. It is so much more dramatic. While I don't want or particularly like to bring any undo drama to myself I do feel like I NEED to say "widow". I feel like it describes a great love lost. I feel like it tells people, who do not know, that I want to still be married. There are some out there though I know that think I should be moving on. They don't directly say that but when someone asks me if I'm dating (and in the past 2 weeks it has happened 5 times), I take it that way. The problem is I am not just single even if the IRS labels me that way. I am the widow of Bob Tomlin and it runs so much deeper. My heart has not healed. It is not even close. My marriage to Bob showed me what true love is and I am so lucky to have experienced it. It also puts the bar very high for another person to try to attain. I do not know if that will ever happen again. For now, I am just not ready to change my status. For now, I am a widow and I will be wearing black around my heart until it has healed enough to unveil it to others.

Another big event in my life that many may not realize (or think of it as a big deal) is that my minivan turned over to 50,000 miles last Wednesday. Why is this a big deal? I bought the minivan a few weeks after Bob died. I needed a reliable car, one that I could be assured wouldn't break down on my way home from work late at night. Bob was my mechanic. It was one of the first really big changes that I made after he died. It is symbolic in a way. Now, I am 50,000 miles away from him. It is a number that can be labeled to how long it has been besides just years. 50,000 is a lot of miles! A lot of toting around kids alone. Many miles of driving without him. It makes me sad.

It is a bad time of year for me. On March 13th (2 weeks from today) would have been our 18th wedding anniversary. I think of how in love we were on that day. The walls literally could have been falling down around us and we would not have noticed. I honestly did not know how I could feel any more in love with him than I did on that day.... but I did. When I would see him with our children especially I knew we were meant to be. We would smile at old couples holding hands and look at each other because we KNEW that someday we would be that way too. Never in a million years would we have ever thought it would be like this. Going out for our anniversary was the last alone time we ever spent together... almost 4 weeks later he was gone....

Right now I am just going through the motions with my life. Bob is continuously lurking in the back of my mind. If someone were to say the right (or wrong) thing right now, I think I will be in a puddle of tears. I do not think that people realize how much of the past 4 years I have spent putting on a strong front. I am a good actress. I know how to say and do the right thing to try to show people I am okay. I am not inside. I spend so much time putting up the wall so that I can just do the daily activities that I do not think I have not allowed myself to grieve properly. I have not learned how to move forward yet. I know that path is different for everyone and I know that I will never love anyone else the way I love Bob. The tears lately have been held back by a faulty dam that is ready to bust. They are on the brink of flowing. I just keep holding them back. I long to go away by myself to just think of my love for Bob, explore my feelings and heal emotionally. Some place with no distractions - just my thoughts. But since that is really not an option at this point in time, I will take the few moments I can.

In a month, it will be officially four years. I cannot believe that much time has gone by! Fifi goes to Kindergarten round-up on Tuesday and I just can't believe it!!!!! Talk about holding back the tears! MY BABY!!!! ~sigh~

This winter has been hard on so many for illnesses. I have to admit that we have been very fortunate. We were struck with bad colds and the girls had some killer ear infections that wouldn't go away but for the most part we have done OK. Four kids is just SO BUSY!!! On February 15th I counted all the appointments we had been to since the first of the year and it totaled 37!!! Add school, work and meetings to that it doesn't leave much room for sanity! LOL! Everyone seems to be status quo for now tough and for that, I am grateful. I have pretty good kids to work with I think. I really feel that we are closer than most families and I think that is because tragedy helped us grow together. We ARE a family and we know how important it is to cherish our loved ones because you never know what the next minute will bring......

Poem

My therapist gave me this poem and I felt the need to share....

Be patient toward all
that is unsolved
in you heart,
and try to love
the questions themselves-
do not seek answers
which cannot be given to you
because you would not be able
to live them.

And the point is
to live everything.

Live the questions now.

Pherhaps, you will then gradually,
without noticing it,
live along some distant day
into the answer-
take whatever comes
with great trust
and if only it comes
out of your own will,
out of some need
of your innermost being,
take it upon yourself,
and hate nothing.

~Rainer Maria Rilke~

Widow's Voice: Just Call Me ....

This is from a blog I follow. I actually only follow it on Wednesdays because I love how she writes and I just don't have the time to blog stalk like I used to. Her husband died the same year as Bob and the things she says echo the way I feel. This is my favorite post to date. Thank you so much for writing this Jeanne!
Widow's Voice: Just Call Me ....: " .... Sybil. I very often feel like I have a split personality. I have passed the three year mark.   I find these words difficul..."

Eddie Vedder My City of Ruins Bruce Springsteen at the Kennedy Center H...

2011... We made it!

Once again I have been a bad blogger but here it is 2011 and we have made it this far without him! There was a time in my life that I never thought my heart would be able to bear another day. But yet, here we are, a place I never thought I'd be.... I still miss him more and more but I have gained strength from my loss. It is ironic isn't it?

I have really had a hard time this last fall emotionally. I don't know why but there were several things that set it off. I am better and always moving forward but I think in order to survive and keep going sometimes I suppress the grief so that I can survive. Then it comes out in different ways and at different times. Who would have thought that 3 1/2 years later, I would still miss him so much! I just never imagined... Of course, those who have followed my blog know how I feel and still feel. It is just so hard to imagine that a man that was so full of life, who was so smart and loving, who loved his family and his wife so very much could be gone in a second... I am still wrapping my head around it! I've used the analogy before that my heart was broken into a million pieces that day and I've tried to hold it together with sticky tape. Sometimes the tape doesn't hold and some pieces fall onto the floor and need to be picked up and stuck back on to keep going. I think right now they are holding.

As far as life in the Tomlin household, things are OK (for now). Mikaela is 16!!!!! I CANNOT believe that she is that old and it has gone by SOOOOOO fast!!!!! It almost makes me want to cry! She is beautiful and loving! Such an interesting and quirky girl. I'm so proud of her and I KNOW Bob would have been too!



Blake is doing VERY well in school this year! WAY better than last year and I think he is on a good path. I've had several emails from teachers this year giving me examples and telling me how well he's done in his classes. He will always be a person who thinks outside of the box! Everyday he is so much like his dad. He hates it when I tell him that but he is! I will never understand the way his mind works. He is always thinking of formulas and possible inventions. I told him he needs to look in the box of invention ideas that his dad had. He's been looking in the bins of all of Bob's books for ideas (thank goodness Dave took some of the more questionable books that no teenage boy should possess). He was really sick in November and was diagnosed with pneumonia. He got better but weeks later started experiencing frequent heart palpitations. When I took him to the ER they said he was OK but later came to find out that the final report of his EKG had some abnormal findings on it. They could be something or they could be nothing but he needs to be seen by a cardiologist this week. Something else to worry about...



Hope has acclimated well to her class. She has a some good friends and is doing well. Her anxiety is getting worse again so we found a new therapist. She is awesome and I really feel like she will do well with her! She just keeps so much pent up and her anxiety is expressed in other ways. She is a worrier just like her mommy. She has such a big heart!






Fiona is Fiona. She is like a flittery butterfly. She is always singing and dancing and twirling around the house. She is crazy and hilarious! Her 4 year old tendencies come out but for the most part, she is in her own little world! For the past couple of months though, she has been going through a stage that whenever she gets over tired or hurt, she cries that she "wants her daddy". It breaks my heart and makes me frustrated and mad at the same time. I know it is a kid thing but it is hard when I've been the one consoling her for the majority of her life, and then she wants the one thing I can't give her. It's a kid thing - they always want the other parent!



As for me, I am glad to say that I survived this semester! There were times when I really thought I wouldn't but I DID IT!!!!! WOOOOT!!!!!! Chemistry was KILLER! I am not one to blame teachers for my poor grades BUT really, this guy was the WORST! He was a very nice man personally, but as far as his teaching goes..... All I can say is UGH! EVERY SINGLE CLASS he would get the problems in his own lecture notes wrong, every single test, there were problems that HE printed out wrong(even the final), and the list went on and on. I am glad to say though, I surprisingly got a B!!! That was the hardest grade I've worked for any class to date! I also survived World Religions. The class was VERY interesting but was super writing intensive. I felt like I spent more time writing for that class than studying for Chemistry! But, that class is also over. THANK GOODNESS! Everything else is status quo. I had a minor surgery and can't exercise for 6 weeks but am planning to try to run again. I will work on my core strength in order to get the right balance to my form but I really want to RUN a 5K this summer and not just walk. I WILL DO IT! ; )

So that is the latest in the life of Tomlin.... I hope all who read this are well and in good spirits. I wish everyone the best 2011 possible!!!!

~Jess~