Santo y Blue Demon Contra Los Monstruos (1970): or, Now THAT'S a Main Event!

More and more these days--as Time's Winged Chariot drags me inexorably closer to the shadowy bourne of that Undiscovered Country, and the vistas of Future Possibility shrink and close around me like the heavy gray walls of an Inquisitor's tomb--I find myself wishing that I'd come into contact with certain things earlier in my life. For instance, I was fully fifteen years old before I first read Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky, a book that would have stood me in much better stead before I'd followed the philosophical dead ends of its protagonist Raskolnikov. (I ended up getting my watch back, though, so no lasting harm.) Similarly, I discovered the cinema of Paul Naschy as a slightly past middle-aged adult (if we calculate the middle as half the "threescore years and ten" of verse)--a fortunate discovery, but one, had I made it earlier, would have afforded me that many more years of grinning, face-beaming joy.

In recent years I've added another item to that "wish I'd met you earlier" list: Lucha Libre movies. One of the unique cultural contributions to Western society of the great nation of Mexico, the Lucha Libre subgenre grew out of the immense populatity of professional wrestling south of the U.S. border, and the colorful, larger-than-life characters that peopled its ring. Many (if not most) of the professional wrestlers in Mexico are traditionally "los enmascarados," or masked men. While many of the masked wrestlers in US wrestling tend to be "heels" or villains, in Lucha Libre they are more generally like superheroes, their glittering capes and colorful cowls symbols of their commitment to justice and fair play. In the comic books and films that these characters inspired this commitment is taken to the logical (?) extreme, as los enmascarados do battle against gangsters, aliens, mythological creatures, and yes, b-movie monsters.

El Santo Rocks the Turtleneck

When I was a kid, I was heavy into both professional wrestling and the Universal horrors, so it's a damn shame I didn't discover this combination back then, this Reese's Peanut Butter Cup of awesomeness that combined the two great tastes I loved. But then I might have changed my life goals and tried to become a crime-fighting luchador instead of a priest of obsolete video formats, so maybe a greater Plan was at work, after all. Maybe it's best, in a way, that I'm only now seeing Santo y Blue Demon Contra Los Monstruos (1970, dir. Gilberto Martínez Solares) for the first time.

But I kinda doubt it.

The most famous of the film luchadores is without question El Santo, the Man in the Silver Mask. In a ring career that spanned five decades, Santo became the most famous and beloved luchador in the history of the sport, and between 1958 and 1982 starred in over 50 feature films. In many of these he was paired with his in-ring rival but filmic mejor amigo Blue Demon, and together they comprised the most dynamic crime- and monster-fighting duo Mexican cinema has ever seen. The films range from quickies that seem to have been shot in a single weekend between matches to well-lensed, respectable b-features, but all share a mix of grappling, intrigue, and contagious glee that's hard not to respect and enjoy. (The films are also pretty family-friendly as a rule, so if you've got a monster-loving kid who's sick of Godzilla movies, the genre is a good next step.)

Blue Demon: These Nipples Don't Run

Santo y Blue Demon Contra Los Monstruos begins with what amounts to a main-event introduction, as the music plays and the principals come out with their names plastered across the screen, a low-angle shot making them all look 10 feet tall and bulletproof. In this corner, El Santo, posing on a hill in a forest in full ring attire (like you do) and his tag-team partner, Blue Demon! And in the other corner, the cavalcade of monsters!

• La Momia! (The Mummy, looking more like an elderly burn victim than a resurrected pharoah!)
• El Ciclope! (The Cyclops, a hulking brute with a flashlight eye and a puppet head!)  
• Franquestain! (Frankenstein's Monster, Mexican version, complete with pencil-thin bandito moustache!)  

«El fuego es malo...¡MUY MALO!»

• El Hombre Lobo! (The Wolf Man, a barefoot homeless dude with fangs! Or as I like to call him, El Hobo Lobo!)  
• El Vampiro y La Mujer Vampiro! 
• And of course the Mad Doctor Bruno Hadler, the man responsible for all the carnage we're about to witness.

It's not a diss to say the plots of most of the lucha libre movies I've seen have a certain "childlike" quality, as if two movie-loving, hyperactive playground buddies were sitting behind the typewriter pounding out everything that entered their sugared cereal-addled brains. Symbol stands in for substance--there's no need to establish the wrestlers as heroes, since they're CLEARLY heroes, and likewise the monsters and mad doc as villains. These groups are in the same movie, so they're gonna fight, right? So what are we waiting for? Let's get ready to rumble!

El Fappo Grande

We open, as we almost always do in lucha films, with a good 5-10 minutes of in-ring action. In this case we watch a tag-team match between female mascaradas, which has some pretty priceless narration from the TV announcer on call. ("The physical strength is primitive to man...the elasticity of the movements and that feline agility in these beauties!") Santo watches from the backstage area, a scholar of the sport as well as a master. After the brawlin' beauties finish, Blue Demon and partner take on a couple of punching bags and make short work of them, establishing BD as one tough little hombre, and not a person upon whose Cerulean mask you'd be well-advised to tug.

Moving into the story proper, we find ourselves at the funeral of Bruno Hadler, a mad scientist of the first order who had successfully resurrected dead bodies by means of brain transplantation! (Why this was not a Nobel Prize-winning discovery I can only guess--perhaps he had yet to publish his findings in a peer-reviewed journal prior to his death.) Bruno's brother Otto is an upstanding member of the community, and also the father of Gloria, who happens to be la novia del Santo. Apparently Santo and Blue Demon had something to do with the mad doctor's misfortunes, since upon learning of his death Santo worries that he "made a promise before he died," one he might yet make good on.

He died as he lived: with a Cuisinart on his head

Of course he's right to worry, as the funeral is crashed by a gang of muscled-up thugs in badly applied green grease paint, obviously the doctor's zombie minions! They rush the shrouded corpse back to the lab, where Bruno's right-hand man Waldo--a scoleosis-stricken dwarf, naturally--fires up the ol' 12-volt and brings the doctor back to life! As a side note, along with Waldo and the zombies in the lab is this intriguing character:

Your guess is as good as mine

If you're waiting to find out what sort of monster he is, what his powers are, and how he's integral to the Mad Doctor's plan...well, don't. He just hangs out in the lab the whole movie and never does anything. Maybe he's a friend of the landlord's or something.

Thinking about what Santo said, Blue Demon decides to go on a little reconaissance mission, and of course drives directly to the huge Spanish castle/fort that the doctor is using for an inconspicuous hideout. BD batters down a drawbridge through sheer brute force and enters the subterranean dungeons (why? BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE THE MONSTERS ARE, of course!), and has a quick scrap with the zombies, who somehow manage to subdue him. Waldo wants to "experiment" on the luchador (ooer!), but Doc Hadler has bigger plans--he slaps BD into his tanning bed/human Xerox and runs off a perfect copy of Blue Demon, one that will follow his every command without question! THE FIEND!

It was at that moment--with a Hulk-beast to his left, a dwarf to his right, and an unconscious luchador right at crotch height, that Dr. Hadler finally understood what true happiness meant.

Out on a drive in the Silver Santomobile, Santo and Gloria are interrupted in the second chorus of "Besame Mucho" by the Doc's roving gang of zombies. This allows Santo to show off his fighting skills for the first time in the flick, tossing the zombies around and even executing a splash off the hood of his shaggin' wagon! It must be said that the choreography of the fights is a bit more realistic than in the kung-fu genre, which is to say it's less like a duel/showdown than a giant clusterfuck. Still, it feeds the need for ACTION--Gloria is kidnapped, Santo rescues her, and then we're able to move on.

In a sequence reminiscent of Assignment Terror, Blue Demon 2 and the zombies are dispatched on a nationwide monster hunt, and surprisingly make quite a haul. In a nondescript crypt somewhere or other they find the happiest Vampire in the World--a guy in evening clothes, cape, and London After Midnight-style top-hat who just cannot stop grinning. Thereafter they go to another crypt and find A FREAKIN' MUMMY--which I can only assume is of the Aztec variety, given the locale. Back at the lab Dr. Hadler has somehow acquired a block of ice containing The Cyclops, which he melts with a life-giving acetylene torch. Then they pull Franqestain and El Hobo Lobo out of their ASSES, because suddenly they're just there. A quick blast with the mind-controlling ECT machine, and Los Monstruos are ready to do the doctor's bidding!

"I'm a vild und krazee guy!"

The rest of the plot is basically a series of vignettes of three sorts. Monsters attacking people: El Ciclope takes out some fishermen, the Vampire acquires a couple of brides, Franquestain crushes an amorous couple under his metal boots, and El Hobo Lobo takes out an entire family. El Santo tracking the monsters: he can't find the castle BD1 drove straight to, for some reason, and has to hunt through the woods and lakes aimlessly. (A sequence in which he swims through a lagoon looking for the Cyclops--his mask still on, of course, as a luchador never unmasks, even while making out with muchachas--is wonderful not only for Santo swimming, but for the LITERAL FISHTANK effects to show the Cyclops underwater). And finally: Santo vs. the Monsters and BD2, which as I say are big clusters interspersed with shots of the Cyclops' puppet-head yowling. One thing just follows right after another, and while it's not exactly coherent, it never lets you get bored.

In the most incredible (and awesome) development in the story, El Vampiro decides to take on Santo on his own turf--he challenges the Man in the Silver Mask to an actual wrestling match, right there in the arena under the lights! Of course Santo accepts, and the crowd rolls in, completely unfazed that the opponent for the night is AN ACTUAL FUCKING MONSTER. Even better, El Vampiro dons a mask for his match, even though he's never worn one previously--doubtless to cover the stunt double. But still, how awesome is that? Could it be more so?

"Get ready for The Hurting, boys."

The answer is YES: el Vampiro gains the upper hand in the match, but then is put off his game by a glimpse of the gold cross around Gloria's neck. This leads to a staple of pro wrestling, the "Run In" match ending--only in this case, instead of the heels running in to thwart the babyface wrestler's triumph, THE GANG OF MONSTERS RUNS INTO THE RING FOR AN IMPROMPTU BATTLE ROYALE! Frankenstein's Monster, the Cyclops, the Mummy, all bouncing off the ropes, fighting Santo and his friends from the locker room! If I'd seen this at age 12, my head would have exploded with glee. In fact, it might yet.

(Nota bene: I have to say, this is exactly what I was hoping for with my previous lucha libre experience, Santo y Blue Demon contra Dracula y El Hombre Lobo, but in that flick the monsters never climbed into the ring. It was a much better movie in all other respects, but I'm glad this flick righted that glaring omission.)

Of course eventually, somehow, we end up back at the lab, Santo discovers that Blue Demon has not undergone a heel turn but has just been cloned, and BD and Santo have a final confrontation with the monsters (complete with Santo braining zombies with a rubber morning star and Blue Demon wielding aGUN and a dangerous torch) that leads to a fiery cataclysm and widescale destruction of scientific machinery and historical buildings. Good triumphs over evil, the Luchadores beat Los Monstruos, and all is right with the world until next week's main event.

El Hobo Lobo

All right, so the movie has its problems. There is an awful lot of day-for-night stuff, especially when El Vampiro is on the prowl, that is among the worst such effect I have ever seen; I guess we're just supposed to assume it's night by virtue of the fact that the vampire is not going up in flames. Costumes are pretty weak, with the lower end being the embarrassing Mummy costume and nearly non-existent werewolf makeup--a hobo beard, while awesome, does NOT a wolf man make. (Though I admit I liked the ambition of the Cyclops get-up.) The score is pretty annoying bleep-bleep-bleep semi-carnival music, though my reaction to that may be more cultural than critical. Also, there's an extended nightclub/dance sequence in the last third of the film that goes on way too long, even though it's sort of entertaining in a Gene Kelley/Cyd Charisse rip-off way. And as I noted earlier, the plot developments are on a level with the 3-paragraph short story you wrote for your 2nd grade Halloween essay contest, meaning it's heavy on the non sequitur ACTION and light on poetry and character-driven drama.

But this is a genre of movie in which those latter problems can hardly be considered flaws. As in a well-choreographed wrestling match, this flick has its marks to hit, its set-pieces to execute, and it does so with a breathless energy that's easy to get swept up in. If you can turn off the adult portion of your brain, go back to your childhood and imagine seeing this on a Saturday afternoon and then going out and reenacting it all with your like-minded friends, you'll agree the scrapes and bruises would be well worth the joy.

2-Man Mob

Acting-wise, the film is pretty difficult to critique. Santo and Blue Demon are wizened performers, though their performance style is informed by the larger-than-life acting style of the wrestling ring, and thus perhaps more akin to silent movie acting than more modern methods. Still, the two have charisma to burn, even if it's obscured a little by the expressionlessness of their masks. Carlos Ancira as Dr. Bruno Hadler chews the scenery the way a Mad Scientist should, and his brother Otto, portrayed by Jorge Rado, is a good counterpoint/voice of reason, if such can be said to exist in the world of the film. Hedi Blue as Gloria is attractive but given little to do, and the dancer who becomes a vampires bride adds some welcome soft PG sex-appeal. Also, Mexican trash movie fans should look out for Santanón as Waldo the hunchbacked dwarf--the actor also appeared in one of Boris Karloff's last movies, the embarrassing to some/entertaining to others voodoo flick Snake People (1971).

Santo y Blue Demon Contra Los Monstruos is not the best lucha movie I've seen--it's easily outdone by the dramatically and cinematically superior Santo y Blue Demon vs. Dracula and The Wolf Man--but I found it an endearingly naive and fun excursion into a world of wrestlers and monsters. 2.5 thumbs, and Vive El Santo!

"Hold me, Waldo...just hold me!"

Bonus Linkage: 

• Click here to read the Vicar's take on Santo & Blue Demon vs. Dracula & the Wolf Man, with Tag-Team Partner Tenebrous Kate!
• And click here to read Empress Kate's glee-filled essay on The Champions of Justice, in which Blue Demon leads a team of five luchadores agains a mad scientist and his army of midget wrestlers!

Still Yet More Images from Santo y Blue Demon Contra Los Monstruos (1970):

Monsters of Acne

"Wait, whut? you know OLAF?"

Besame Enmascarado

Scary, but not in the way they intended

Collect Them All

Squick!

He Only Dives from the Top Rope

Pecs of the Vampire

H.R. Puffnstuff: The Lost Episodes

Consider Yourself Pinned

"Vicar, NOOOOOOOOO!"

MORE MADNESS...

Summary only...

Santo and Blue Demon vs. Dracula and the Wolf Man (1973): with TAG-TEAM Partner, Tenebrous Kate

You know, my loyal parishioners, the Vicar loves you. And because of his love, he wants you to be happy in this season of joy and consumerism. But what do you give the mostly anonymous Internet throngs who have everything available at the click of a mouse? What can you offer that will rise from the pile of hand-knitted scarves and kitchen appliances and say "Here I am--a gift worthy of your discerning taste."

I spent a lot of time thinking about what to get you for Christmas, and if I may say so, I think I NAILED it. What could be a better gift than an appreciation of a Mad Movie containing not only Dracula and the Wolf Man, but also two of the greatest masked wrestlers ever to come out of Mexico? "Nothing," you might say, and ordinarily you'd be right--but I've bettered the unbetterable here by not only giving you the childlike joy of 1973's Santo and Blue Demon vs. Dracula and the Wolf Man, but giving it to you with the added wit and wisdom of Tenebrous Kate, Grand Ruler of the Tenebrous Empire! Recently the two of us got together in our robes and state and marvelled at the wonderful world we live in, where masked wrestlers and classic monsters go together like nutmeg and egg nog.

Read on!

TK: To get you latecomers to the party all caught up, the Vicar and I have just finished watching "El Santo y Blue Demon contra Dracula y el Hombre Lobo." It tells the heart-warming tale of the Cristaldi family and their generations-long fight against Dracula and his right hand lycanthrope, Rufus Rex. The Cristaldis quickly lose their patriarch to a Satanic ceremony which resurrects Dracula and Rufus, but the industrious Lina Cristaldi brings in her boyfriend El Santo and his best pal Blue Demon to help investigate the case and thwart Dracula's plans to get revenge on her family and then turn the entire world into his supernatural army.

TK: I loved the way each of the three in-ring fights seemed to be Pants versus Underpants.


VV: I did not notice till you mentioned it, but you are correct! The forces of good go for the long trousers without fail.


TK: It's like shirts versus skins, but… pantsier.


VV: I'm only guessing here, but perhaps Santo y Blue Demon need the pants to make sure their GIGANTIC BALLS don't flop out.


TK: You're probably right. Those guys are almost TOO rad. I mean, El Santo can wear vests that look like they're made from Midcentury bathroom flooring and still be AWESOME.


VV: Indeed, he's not afraid to rock the home-knitted sweater. Though I must say, Blue Demon also had it goin' on with the purple lace-up number near the end.


TK: That is a true statement of fact. It's a rare man who can be iconoclastic enough to look like a gimp-masked pirate and STILL be the one on the dolin'-out end of the beatings.


VV: Truth be told, I was much more impressed with Blue Demon's ass-beatin' skills than those of the IDOL OF MEEELIONS.


TK: I think Blue Demon has a certain brashness about him that's endearing.


VV: True. His small stature is misleading, but his profundo basso voice tells the true tale. He'll also scale a tree like a monkey at the drop of a cape.


TK: And kick the crap out of Hippies! I admire that in a man.


VV: I confess, I kinda need a "Renato El Hippie" t-shirt.


TK: Seriously. I wanna know Renato's backstory. His appearance was sort of a spoiler though--you could tell he'd lose that match to Blue Demon due to his lack of mask and pants.


VV: The announcer kept trying to talk up Renato’s consummate athletic skills, yet all I saw was the print of his ass on the mat.


TK: True, true. I mean, I'm no wrestling afficionada, but from a purely fashion POV, there was just no way he was gonna win.
One of the cool things I observed in this movie was that luchadores aren’t just good at rasslin'-- they're also chess players!

VV: That shows they're intellectuals. It takes more than brawn to take down aliens and lycanthropes and shit.


TK: I wonder if Mexican chess has different rules.


VV: Maybe if the Bishop has a lucha mask, he can move wherever he wants.


TK: Or the knight can take a flying leap off the turnbuckle!


VV: That would be rad. Everything's better in Mexico.


TK: Seriously. I imagine there to be a lot more bandoliers and shouting and tequila. And Dia de los Muertos collectibles everywhere.

VV: I can't help thinking Santo did pretty well for himself with his girlfriend Lina. Not only is she quite the cutie in her miniskirts and her soulful eyes, but she knows how to drive a forklift.


TK: Absolutely! THAT is an effective girlfriend right there. "My skirt is shorter than my belt, but I will totally drive this heavy machinery into you if you mess with my MAN!"


VV: Not only that, she was far stealthier than Blue Demon.


TK: Yes. Blue Demon had more enthusiasm than skills when it came to surveillance.


VV: Well put.


TK: Mask =/= invisibility


VV: I love how Eric the Ugly Satanist TOTALLY made him as soon as his little blue head popped up in window-view.


TK: "Don't look now, Wolfman, but there's totally a luchador in the tree out there."


VV: "But they're not even in season!"


TK: Much like Lina was a great girlfriend, Eric was a very effective hunchback henchman!


VV: Eric was kind of awesome, actually.


TK: He suffered from greediness, but man-oh-man--when Dracula or Rufus Rex asked for something, he was ON that shit.

VV: How about that opening scene between the 2nd and 3rd falls where he offers a malediction to Satan? You didn't have to wonder who the evil mother fucker in this one was for a MINUTE.


TK: Totally. His characterization was very consistent. I dug the flame-spitting Chupacabra heads he installed in the cave, BTW. He didn't have to do that, but he did, because he knew it'd make Drac and Rufus feel at home.


VV: Those things were LEGIT. I wonder how many crew members were immolated in making that scene.


TK: Doesn't matter--it was worth it.


VV: I agree--the movie wouldn't have worked without them.


TK: One of the things I always wonder about the Mexican Wrestler movies is who the audience is supposed to be. They operate on Kid Logic, and yet early in the film, Dr. Cristaldi suffers a very grisly death in order to bring about the resurrection of Dracula and Rufus Rex.


VV: I can only assume no adult in Mexico ever loses his childlike joy, probably thanks to Santo and Blue Demon.


TK: Mexico really is a wonderland, isn't it? * sigh *

VV: I was thinking about the scene after Eric wins "Spot the Demon," when he leads Blue Demon and Santo to the warehouse. Blue Demon and Santo are totally inconspicuous in their red convertible.


TK: Hey, that's how masked wrestlers operate! In any decision between Subtlety and Showing Class, Showing Class will ALWAYS win. That's why there are so few masked wrestlers left in the wild.


VV: Maybe they weren't as conspicuous as we think. Perhaps in Mexico City on a Saturday night, you'd see dozens of luchadores rolling around in their low riders. Nothing unusual about it!


TK: Stop--you're making me want to move to Mexico now!


VV: So we've talked a bit about Los Enmascarados, but what about their opponents?

TK: Oh! You mean Dracula and el Disco Lobo?


VV: The name is RUFUS REX, which is the total winner of "Most Awesome Werewolf Name EVER."


TK: Seriously. He was like--"yeah, my name is Rufus Rex, I'm not making up a nom de guerre; in fact, I'm donning this AMAZING YELLOW SATIN LACE-UP BLOUSE in order to make myself even MORE excellent! And if you fuck with me I will werewolfize your ass!"


VV: I hate to correct you, but he was completely resurrected ALREADY WEARING the lace-up satin blouse. Not to mention the say-something leather belt.


TK: The leather belt was the finishing move. Maybe that was, like, a medieval rasslin’ award?


VV: He was the heavyweight champion of the Aztec Empire.


TK: Kinda like the Dracula medal. What do you think Dracula's medal means? In this movie, it looked a little like a chicken...


VV: I love how Dracula ALWAYS starts out as a skeleton, and then as he's reconstituted, his wardrobe is also automagically resurrected. In this one he even had white gloves and a cane.


TK: You're right! And it's not covered in blood or anything. That's pretty amazing stuff.


VV: Dracula, it has to be said, was a major disappointment to me in this one. I mean, he LOOKED all super suave.


TK: Yeah, he was kind of a managerial Dracula.--just sending other people out to do his legwork. Good thing he had effective co-baddies!


VV: I counted THREE TIMES he was just about to bite someone, and got interrupted/distracted/startled and never got back to it. How long does it take, dude? CHOMP, you're DONE.


TK: Yeah, but... he still dressed the girl vamps well, in those red diaphanous gowns. That counts for something. He's... kind of a Mr. Blackwell of the supernatural world that way.

VV: When he was marching down the hall with the aforementioned Novias de Dracula, I couldn't help thinking of the Imperial Guard.


TK: See, I saw some Naschy similarities there.


VV: That wouldn't be the only Naschy tie-in.


TK: Though I must say, Naschy would've PWN3D these supernatural baddies, like, fourteen times over the course of the movie.


VV: Oh, it would have been no contest. The LEAP ATTACK off the top rope would have had any of these guys cryin’ home to mama!


TK: There would have been no neck unbitten, no boob ungroped, had the Naschinator been present.


VV: I wonder what Waldemar's mic skills would be like? "ARROOOOOO YEAH, BABY, WE'RE COMIN' TO THE METROPLEX IN THE DISCTRICT FEDERALE! YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE THE NASCHINATOR? I'VE BENCH PRESSED BOULDERS MORE AGILE THAN YOU! THE PAIN FROM SPAIN RAINS MAINLY ON YOUR *BRAAAAAAAIN!* AR-OOOOOOOOOO!”

TK: Also... another bit of a quibble but...
That dagger that's so pivotal to the plot--the one that's only effective against evil...
Presumably it still has... oh... I dunno...
STABBY POWER
even over good people.


VV: Well, of course they totally ripped off the dagger from Naschy as well. But yeah, Dracula sends Eric to get it from Santo because it "has no power over him." No wonder Eric decided he'd rather Drac be his bitch than vice versa.


TK: No joke, man. Dracula is like one of those store managers who would always make you go alphabetize the videos while he sat in the back room eating a sandwich and reading "Maxim." Only... wearing a tuxedo.


VV: I was EXTREMELY disappointed that the fight of the movie's title did NOT take place in an actual wrestling ring. I wanted a tag-team match with millions watching on TV.


TK: Indeed. Although it did take place somewhere with more strategically-placed spikes. I think that was kind of critical to the whole outcome of the film.


VV: What was that place they were in, anyway? I mean, Drac's castle is in Transylvania, presumably; and Eric found Rufus a SWEET apartment. So it's just a rental, I guess. With caves and spiky death pits.


TK: Speaking of Rufus' apartment--I like the fact that he showed he was sensitive by having what looked like portraits of the Bronte sisters on his wall.


VV: The Brontes were HAWT. That's what passed for bikini posters 400 years ago, when he and Drac were killed the first time. Talking of which, I was impressed that Rufus adjusted to modern technology so easily. You'd expect him to be all "WHAT the fuck? Where are the horses? How does this light work? What's that evil magical talking box?”

TK: No joke! Although it did look like he was talking into a Hitachi Magic Wand at one point...


VV: You mean the rotary-base phone? I totally had one of those.


TK: Did it... you know... help when it rang?


VV: Well, one time I did slip and fall on it... but that was a total accident.


TK: All seven times.


VV: No matter what the insurance company said. After the second time I started lubing it up as a preventative measure. Better safe than sorry.


TK: I'm never phoning you again.
Hey, speaking of Gendered Issues--did you notice that all the chicks became vampires and all the men became werewolves?

VV: You're right that the girls all became vamps-- there were no were bitches, but I did see some male vamps in their subterranean army at the end. IN FACT, one who I like to call "Mullet Vamp" really caught my eye. I noticed him because his plumage was so distinctive,
and also because he got thrown into the Spiky Death Pit.
And then a few minutes later was fighting again, in a different colored shirt.
Unless he had a twin.


TK: I also noticed that different werewolves were further along than others in their development. Some guys were all wolfed the fuck out, while others just kinda didn't shave.


VV: In fact, even Rufus's hairiness seemed to wax and wane. At first he was all wolfy, but then in the final battle, he was pretty much wearing a luchador mask, only made out of hair. No neck make up, no hand shading, nuthin’.


TK: Wow—you’re right! Maybe he got seduced into the modern ways of waxing?


VV: That's possible. He was definitely a quick study.


TK: Also, hanging out with those glossy, hairless luchadores must have made him feel inadequate. They are big bucket-necked hunks of manhood, after all.


VV: Indeed.

TK: I mean, El Santo has a black velvet painting of himself in his locker room!


VV: And I think the term "barrel-chested" is woefully inadequate to describe the barrelly-ness of their chests.


TK: Tank-like physique?


VV: It made me read lots into their trademark "knowing looks," which would have been full of subtext anyway.


TK: Although, in all fairness, Blue Demon is NOT a cockblocker. He lets Lina and Santo have plenty of alone time.


VV: Blue Demon is the consummate wingman.


TK: He's all like "oh no--I have STUFF to do--you go to the bank together." * WINKWINK*


VV: I really like Blue Demon better than Santo, truth be told.


TK: I think Blue Demon is more willing to let his imperfections show. He's more like you and I. If... you and I were stout rasslin’ Mexicans with shiny masks and giant red convertibles.


VV: To be fair, though, Blue Demon didn't lose a SINGLE FALL in his match, whereas El Angel Blanco made Santo shit a squealin' worm in their second fall.


TK: El Santo is more like a Jesus figure, I think.


VV: So if you and I were luchadores with convertibles, what would our handles be?


TK: Hmmm... La Loba Infernal! GirlKaiser works for me too, since Dr. Wagner is already taken.


VV: I would be "El Penguino Volidor "


TK: “The Violating Penguin...?”


VV: "The Flying Penguin.”


TK: Oh, see, that's thought-provoking too!


VV: Though the other works too. I thought you were "Dr. Satan somethingorother”


TK: Oh... “Dr. Satan-Molesto.” That's... a nickname I earned the Honest Way. By groping women while wearing a mad scientist outfit.


VV: See, you've already got your gimmick! How about finishing moves?


TK: How do you say "explosive fist" in Spanish?


VV: "puno de explosivo"


TK: Yes. That. How about the Violat--I mean FLYING Penguin?


VV: Mine would be the Amazing Ass Bomb.


TK: Does that have anything to do with the rotary phone?


VV: My lawyer says it's best not to comment on that


TK: I... have a feeling it's A Very Effective Move, then...!


VV: Yes, but it's high-risk. I could also give them the Deep Dive Penetrator maneuver. But that's been banned in 35 states.


TK: Oh boy.


VV: So Rufus actually gives Blue Demon a pretty good fight there at the end-- I admired his skill.


TK: And his blouse.


VV: Though he didn't seem to get the power boost I would have expected when he wolfed out. It seemed the same fight, only hairier.


TK: True! He was just a guy with really fast growing facial hair. Who lost the power of speech. Which is really a net loss of powers.


VV: In the scene right after his resurrection, Rufus was swaying at the shoulders quite a bit too
I couldn't tell if he was trying to look beastly, or if the actor was drunk.


TK: Pullin' a Joseph Cotton, as they call it in the biz.


VV: I wanted to say, though, that I was surprised by how decent the horror elements in this movie were. Despite Dracula's net uselessness, he did look the part, and there were a few scenes where he was directing people through hypnosis that were atmospherically lit and effective.


TK: I think that's really a realistic portrayal of a vampire. In my experience with real-life vampires, it's a lot more about the swagger than about the supernatural stuff.
It's like:
Outfit--check
Haircut--check
Neck-biting--Oh shit I got distracted.


VV: Fighting luchadores--I have People for that.


TK: Totally. That's how vampires roll.


VV: Also, the resurrection sequence was unterrible. You had the flame spouting gargoyles, the upside-down old man getting stuck like a pig, and the steaming skeletons, all aces. Also Eric praying to Satan most emphatically.


TK: I am ALL ABOUT the "reconstituted from skeletal remains" scene.


VV: Although...did you notice that Dracula's skeleton had its scapulas in the front?


TK: Maybe that's how vampires are built--don’t judge.


VV: It would explain his uselessness in a fight.


TK: "I can't help--my arms are rooted to my sides."

VV: Well, since one of the main Mexican wrestling moves seems to be "Throw myself head-first into my opponent's chest," I think he could have made it work. The scene where they've captured dozens of innocents to make their army and are going all bondage-scenario on them in the dungeon--that was pretty cool too. It's hard to go wrong with a girl tied down to a stone altar. Which is probably the only way Dracula could actually get the business done, come to think of it...


TK: The basement of the Vicarage is a fantasy of iron chains and big rock altars--that's what you're trying to tell me?


VV: Again, my lawyer is giving me the "shush" sign
...
But yes.


TK: It's ok. I will promise to only tell the internet.


VV: Did you notice the whole BDSM vibe going on throughout the flick?


TK: YES! With all the WHIPPING and DOMINATING in the ring, and how everybody who gets captured is chained up somehow.


VV: And then Blue Demon is CHAINED to the wall and he has to walk the Balance Beam of Pain while all tied up.


TK: Yes, there were indeed some Special Needs moments, proving, once again, my theory that EVERYTHING IS SEX.


VV: Like I say, those knowing looks between Santo and Blue Demon... there's more than rasslin' strategy going on there. Of course it seems that Bondage is big in many of these lucha flicks.


TK: True. And yet the women are uber-chaste! Nary a boobie to be seen anywhere, alas.


VV: How did they capture those dozens of innocents anyway? I can only assume it was Eric's doing.

TK: Seriously. Eric and the Uncharacteristically Trusting Mobsters he managed to hire.
"Who are we working for?”
"Can’t tell."
"OK."


VV: "I want to meet your boss."
"No you don't."
"OK."


TK: Man, I need to find help like that for the Empire.


VV: "Go to the library and bring back any stacked, shy-looking bookish chicks you find."
"OK."


TK: Yeah, I don't want any of that "why?" shit. Just "I will trade you X bars of gold for Y reprehensibly immoral action."


VV: It's the beauty of Capitalism.
But back to our luchadores!
I got the impression Santo was a bit of an egotist. I mean, granted, he is THE IDOL OF MEELIONS.


TK: Kind of like Jesus.


VV: Expound on this Christ/Santo parallel that you’ve mentioned a couple of times. You've intrigued me.


TK: They were both Mexic--no that's not it


VV: OH! I know--El Angel Blanco made Santo SUBMIT with a move called the "Crucifixion."


TK: I'm pretty sure Santo must be related to God somehow. I mean, look at his name. And his fucking COOLNESS. I'm pretty sure he can turn water into wine with the sheer force of his AWESOME. And on the DVD box, his name is in the biggest font.


VV: His name is all over the credits.
"Produced by El Producer and SANTO"
"With the participation of the Government of Mexico and SANTO"
“Written by Escritorio Bueno while SANTO was watching"


TK: And that means Lina is like Mary Magdalene.
Who can also drive a forklift.
This is some serious DaVinci Code shit up in here!


VV: If Mary Magdalene could drive a forklift, the Pieta would look WAY different. In fact, she'd have totally sprung JC from Golgotha. You could easily fit the prongs of the lift under the crossbar of the cross, and Bob's your Uncle.


TK: There wouldn't BE a Pieta because El Santo would throw Pontius Pilate into a submission hold and then just take a jetpack up to heaven and continue kicking ASS.
Our Bible is much cooler.


VV: Seriously.
What about the other Cristaldi girls?


TK: Hmmm... the granddaughter had a funky haircut.
Very new wave, with its three tiers.

VV: Plus, she didn't seem too torn up that her mom was dead at the end.
Or maybe she didn't know yet.
Actually, Lina asks Santo "What will we tell her when she wakes up?"
And they say "That it was all a dream!"
"Yeah, it was all a dream. Plus, your mom's dead."


TK: "You didn't really see werewolves, but you'll need therapy for the REST OF YOUR LIFE because of your vivid dreams that your mom was a vampire."


VV: That scene where she meets her living-dead grandpa and mom in the mansion was actually almost creepy. Reminded me a bit of “Black Sabbath,” the Karloff sequence.


TK: Yes, it was a bit of a heavy sequence, right? The whole involvement of the little girl was very strange and almost superfluous. Why was she there other than to create that awkwardness at the end?! The movie would've worked even if Lina was the only other Cristaldi.


VV: Well, Santo needed someone to save after the little girl nonsensically wandered out onto the Balance Beam of Pain.


TK: Ahhhh...! See, that makes sense.


VV: Then he got to go all Errol Flynn on Rufus and Drac. He didn't even fucking NEED the dagger.


TK: Just his own two meaty paws!


VV: And an assist from Blue Demon.


TK: Blue Demon is like St. Peter. He is the rock on which the church of El Santo was built.

More, more, MORE images of Santo, Blue Demon, Dracula and Rufus Rex live over on Flickr!

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