You are about to relive one of the most entertaining moments of my social media postings of all time. For your pleasure I have brought together pictures, posts, and tweets from all my social media accounts into one lovely story. It is a story of determination, passion, and human connection.
As a former member of the LDS church, I did not drink alcohol at any point in my life before my early/mid 30's. I am, or perhaps was? one of the worlds greatest light weights. One of my friends frequently jokes that any alcohol in my drink should be put there with an eye dropper. At Epcot they do not use an eye dropper.
My trip to Orlando was born of a desire to watch some of my favorite soccer players play soccer. With off season trades three of my very favorites were moved to the other side of the country, and my chances to watch them live cut to one, unless I took an airplane to get there. I immediately began to conspire with my soccer loving friends back in February to attend one Orlando Pride game in Orlando this season. Originally, we didn't want to watch them play Seattle, so that I wouldn't have to feel conflicted. It didn't work out that way. So we watched them play Seattle and all I felt was conflicted.
Since we were flying across the country, I decided I may as well cross a few extra things off the old bucket list. Last year, at some point, US soccer player and Orlando Pride forward Alex Morgan was kicked out of Epcot when her drinking around the world expedition hit a speed bump. I will let you look up the details on this. But this is the incident that brought the possibility of drinking around the world to my attention. Before that moment, I didn't know this was a thing. Once I knew, I felt I had to step up to the challenge.
Could I, the worlds lightest light weight some how make it through all 11 countries without puking, dying, or getting kicked out of the park? Drinking responsibly is always my motto, so to accomplish this task, I did in fact train, and consult experts. Every step of the way, we did what was necessary to make it as far as we could responsibly.
The advice I received:
1. Stay hydrated
2. Eat lots of food, particularly bready things.
3. 1 half hour before take a Pepcid on an empty stomach. (I did not do this one, because I couldn't find pepcid.)
The start:
Then we hit a ride- The test track, so that our stomachs had time to register that we had in fact fed them.
When there is a rain delay, I always wear my Reign jacket. Even in Orlando.
We burned over an hour waiting for this ride. Then gave up and headed to Canada. I decided that croissant wasn't quite enough food to absorb the alcohol we were about to start drinking (it was now around 11 am) so I loaded up on Poutine. A delightful Canadian invention I have had both in the US and Canada. I still say that Seattle's Owl and Thistle pub has the best with Guinness brown gravy and Irish cheddar. But this wasn't bad. Susanna decided to start us off correctly with a Bloody Mary for breakfast, or specifically a Stow Away Mary. "A classic Bloody Mary with Absolut Vodka garnished with Pimento-stuffed Olives, Cherry Tomato, Celery, Jumbo Shrimp and Smokehouse Jerky"
I was not kidding when I said that that duck was relentlessly trying to steal my Poutine. It sounds like some kind of innuendo, but that quacker wanted my damn fries!!! I shooed him away for a bit. Took a few sips of my first Bloody Mary ever. It was way too peppery for me. I ended up eating the beef jerky celery and shrimp and then made the mistake of deciding the shrimp tail was good duck food. He ate it and then what I was told was probably an Egret became a much worse pest than the duck. I was afraid it was going to peck me to death for my fries. Susana and I had decided to split our drinks, so we would have a better chance of making it through. We did this in Canada, though we didn't always stick to that as you will soon find out. So I had about half a Bloody Mary in me at this point.
I was feeling it, just a bit when we took our first rest break to watch Canada 360. A charming film about Canada narrated by Martin Short. I was worried about motion sickness, but it was fine, and made me want to go back to BC for a visit again sometime soon. But also, even completely sober people weren't accomplishing this...
I watched a 360 film slightly tipsy without balance assistance. Because figure skater. Before we left Canada, we took some touristy shots that I felt a slight bit morally objective to. But then I realized the entirety of this Epcot experience had a bit of a fake ass cultural appropriation feel to it, so I just went with it.
That is my cringe face. Cringe.
And with the first country down and and a 20 min recovery film out of the way, as will as half a bottle of water, we were ready to hit England. England I had a Doctor who moment, and then it was just a quick stop at the pub where, probably because I love cider, we each got our own whole drink.
I do love my legs. I am obsessed with them. Soccer has made them even more beautiful. Look!! look at them!!! So pretty!
We were in and out of England in probably about 20 mins. So as we meandered our way over the bridge to France, I was already feeling quite ready for another break. However, if we did the France film, we would have been late for our lunch reservation at Chefs de France. Poor Susana. As soon as we hit the bridge to France I quit speaking English. But there is a chance it may be the best French I have ever spoken. Or... possibly I just thought it was and it was horrible.
Translation: "We are in Epcot France now for some bread, wine and cheese"
At the entrance to Chefs de France
Bridge to France from England.
Our cute waiter's name was Benjamin. He was very nice and flattered me about my French speaking abilities. I'm pretty sure he was just like... oh shit this girl took French in college and is kind of getting a little sauced right now, and she thinks she speaks great French. Complement her and get a good tip.
Translation: "Some bread, some wine, but where is the cheese?" The wine was a Rose. The computer won't let me put the accent on the e. After dinner (I drank the whole think of my wine myself.) I was feeling good and drunk, as illustrated by my best French face below. So we went and watched the 20 min move about France. I cried when they said the line quoted below. Yes!! this is how we live!! This is why I love the French. "They live for the sake of living, and say we must go." (that means go on adventures in the context of the film, not 'leave this place'.)
And so we left France and set off to colonize the world. I mean... visit Morocco.
At least I am a morally conscientious drunk. At this point, I was wondering why all the Moroccan cast members kept asking me if I spoke French. I didn't figure it out until much later.
We popped into a restaurant. Susana got some fancy drink. I think. I don't remember. I got a very nice beer. At this point, I had temporarily forgotten that we were going to split them. It was ok though because we had just had a full lunch and a ton of water. At this point, I had to pee every 20 mins. It may be TMI, but its something you should know if you are going to try this. There are only bathrooms every other country!!! And Norway has the best.
As soon as we left the Moroccan restaurant (without eating because I was way too full) the Orlando daily afternoon down poor started.
We continued on to the next country. For those keeping track, that's 4 countries and I only halved my drink in the first one. This is more than I have ever drank in a single day already. And I was feeling that beer.
The next country was Japan, and we hit some small closed down little cart to take shelter next to some Canadians for about the next 20 minutes while it rained. This was probably a really smart idea, because I needed some recovery time. Major recovery time. I sipped water and chatted with my new friends as we waited for the rain to stop.
Basically these women, probably in their mid 20's said they wanted to go to the Olympics in some sport, but they didn't play any sports. And I told them, curling is your best bet, but you better start now. Train in Canada, with the best, and then go to some other country that doesn't have curlers, that you can get citizenship in and go compete for them. You will never break in in Canada. By the time the rain stopped, one of the girls was planning her move to Poland.
I took a quick tour of the Japanese museum of cuteness to give the alcohol some time to process. I was really sad there were not more 360 films at this point, I could have used one. The museum didn't take me as long as I needed, but we needed to keep pace. I was "OK" for another drink, but not yet optimum. I rushed it, because we were bored and wet. This was my first error. I'm pretty sure it was because I was freezing cold.
I had a Junmai. It was nice! I liked it. But it was wicked!!! and totally did me in.
Because of this we decided not to drink the the good ol' US of A Epcot.
First I had to pee again. Based on the size of the sign for the restrooms in America, my guess is that this is what most people do here.
After our toilet break, I got a pretzel, because I was still full, but felt I needed more bread in me. That was when we had another visit from another of these lovely birds, and I told the world about yellow death. AKA Nacho Cheese.
I will not lie. That Sake hit me like a freight train. Possibly because everything else first. But also, Sake usually hits me pretty good any way. I could have stuck with a beer, but I wanted to try something I knew I liked, in a different version than I had had before. Once again, Susana and I didn't split drinks here. We departed from the game plan, and it probably just about ended the game for the day. After this, I was doubtful I would make it all the way through. However, we were in a country with a film again, and it was about show time. So we headed in for a nap in the theatre. Because I desperately needed a nap at this point.
I made a drunken political statement, and I'm not going to retract it.
I think we made it most the way through the film (I was soundly asleep) before I was rudely awoken and booted from the theater. Because the thing broke.
I made a big deal about getting "kicked out" of my own country. Truthfully we weren't kicked out of the country, just the theater. But unless I needed to pee again, there was nothing. To do. We refiled the water bottle, and headed on our way.
In Italy I had no desire to drink. There was only one thing I wanted, and because I was so drunk I didn't read the menu well and thought it wasn't available. So then I was extra and just asked "Can I get a gelatto with espresso poured over the top" at which point the Italian running the stand informed me that that was on the menu, it was an Italian thing called "An afogato" At which point I nearly started to cry as I proclaimed my love for the afogato, my favorite coffee drink which I discovered in Seattle. Susana got a peach Bellini and I took a few sips so I could check Italy off the list.
I thought wrong!!!
The one in Seattle is better. Especially if you get the rice gellato!!! But this was still INCREDIBLY good, and much needed.
The peach Bellini was AMAZING. I wish I could have drank more of it!
We did not stay long in Italy. I savored my Afogato, and then we moved forward.
I thought it was hilarious that I was trying to sober up a bit at this point, because it was Germany and the words of an old friend popped into my head. I realized this perfectly applied to me at this point.
"I am zee drunk" -Marco. Wald Michaelbach, Germany 1998.
I remember two things in Germany. Apparently we went there for the bathroom, and then doubled back to Italy for drinks before returning to Germany for drinks, but I don't really remember. My phone was dying and my battery charger was drained already, so we tried unsuccessfully to find a place to charge. And then I had maybe a quarter of this beer. Susana drank the rest. I liked it. It was nice for a beer. (I'm not generally a fan.) I almost felt like I could eat again, but didn't want to wait in a huge line for food, or eat at any of the big fancy places. We were not that hungry. So we headed on to the bonus stop, an African outpost. Not a country in itself, but it is our make up country for skipping the USA. Susana decides to get an IPA, I decided I only need a sip. I hate IPA's, and I'm still struggling.
I was mad I didn't get my nap in America. It was all I wanted at this point. #Wasted
For those keeping track, this is now 8 countries and 1 continent in. I've drank at least a few sips of something at 8 of those. I had whole entire drinks at 4 of them, and enough half drinks to count as a 6. China, I have heard, if you start in Canada, is generally where people just hit the wall. This was feeling like a good possibility. I even quoted Justin from Snow College.
I was hopping there was a show, for recovery. So I asked Susana.
Well, I looked better than I did in Africa. Some how magically I felt a bit better too. I think we must have stopped to charge my phone and pee. That usually helps. I feel like we spent 30 mins in the bathroom charging my phone, possibly an hour. So by the time we got food and drink, I felt more confident, and just went for it with the 'Tipsy Duck'
The Tipsy Duck is probably one of the best drinks I have ever had ever. It should be a stand alone drink, not a drink around the world drink, but I will definitely make this one at home sometime. We stopped in at the Joy of Tea and loaded up on egg rolls and our drink. and we met some very nice friends. One of whom was more drunk than me. It was his birthday. Someone in his party thought I was British. Nope. Just drunk.
His mom advised us on getting the Tipsy Duck.
She was not lying. NOT LYING.
What is in the Tipsy?
Tipsy Ducks in Love
with Bourbon Whisky, Coffee, Black Tea, Cream and Chocolate Syrup
Its really good. But really strong.
I drank all of this!!! many times. But especially in China.
I tried. But I could only drink half of this. Sadly we threw part of it away, because it was just too much to handle. I mean. You could tell by how I looked when we hit Norway. This drink did me in, even with all the egg rolls I scarfed down.
This is when I was like... oh yeah, in my Mormon days, I had many genealogy callings. If you go back far enough on a few of my lines, I'm related to mythical Gods!!! how awesome. I was feeling like I had been smashed by Thor's Hammer though.
I only sipped this. I think I had a quarter of it. Susana had the rest. This is the point where I thought I was going to puke, if we did anything at all. Luckily, the bathrooms in Norway are nice, and my phone still needed more charging. So I spent an hour there recovering and charging my phone. I never needed to puke once. We got close. But we made it. By the time we left Norway, I was feeling pretty good again. And luckily I had a real Mexican with me, to show me how to do things right in Mexico. I feel like our next move would have gone horribly wrong for me if I did not have my Tequila expert Susana with me, to be my guide. Here we are. About to get 100% 11/11 countries in Epcot with over an hour to spare!!!
She looks OK again!!!
I got an education in Mexico. Clear is for shooting, dark is for savoring slowly when it comes to Tequila. When shooting it, its gonna burn. That's why there's the salt and the tomato juice drink, and the lime. To be safe we did all the things. Susana told me I could do one or the other or all. So we licked salt off our hands, shot the drink, chased it with the tomato and bit the lime like it was an orange slice at a soccer game. And then we went on the Mexico ride.
I came out of Mexico and I couldn't walk straight. But I wanted to see if I could still do tree pose. Some one once told me that was a good way to test if you were good to drive, but I had discovered a while back that for me, it is not. And in this extremity of knowing I absolutely could not even walk straight, I wanted to see how my balance on one foot was. Well... Figure Skater.
Some one told me this is harder with your eyes closed. I didn't find it to be harder either way. I balanced like this for well over a minute.
We watched fire works. I sat on the pavement and looked so done I had a Disney employee ask if I needed medical help. "Nope. I'm just tired." I said. It was true. I really wanted a nap.
My phone was nearly dead again. I was only half charged at all the stops and then I used it and drained the battery very fast.
We met an incredible Lyft driver who took us home. I hope he succeeds in his mission to make physical fitness a whole mind body healing and empowering thing.
The next morning we woke up, slightly dehydrated. So we hydrated a bit. And then just to prove we had truly survived and were no worse for the wear, I dragged Susana on a 2 mile run to a cafe for breakfast. We walked back. But we did it. 4 miles. It was hot. We left at just before 9 and got back just before 11.
I also had an iced coffee and a water with this. I love cold coffee!!! And this Cafe was AMAZING!!!
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