What Do I Want?

Then life slides into its tenth month of the year.

I'm turning 23 next month if God wills it. 

So far, going into the third month on the job, I already miss my friends. I feel nostalgic and melancholy at night thinking about the past, being carefree and random with them. 

Life now has become routine. Such an insatiable appetite to live everyday the same way, day in, day out, seeing the same faces and doing the same thing over, and over again. It has become dull and I yearn to find something else to do, and escape from the mundane-ism that is life now.

I have become very restless and anxious because I know somehow or rather that I am not doing what I have pictured myself doing. I know it is unfair for me to say these things, and I should not be feeling this way; I am young and I have a few steps to go but already I feel unfulfilled. 

The hardest question I have ever faced these few months is, "What do you want actually?" and this was asked by a lady who interviewed me for a writing stint in a company.

I was stumped. 

And every single time the question resonates in my head, I get the same reaction from myself.

p.s: 2014 in 2 months. 

Wake Up.

Have you ever wondered why you choose to wake up every single morning and continue doing something that you dislike or even hate?

I used to not have those thoughts because the only thing worth waking up early in the morning for were morning classes with my friends, knowing very well that I could go back home after those classes and crash on my bed again. Now I have a different kind of morning.

I would wake up early in the morning, depending on how motivated I am for work. Sometimes I feel heavy; the kind of heaviness where you just want to lay in bed for as long as you can. But this heaviness has been dragging me far longer than I thought it would, that I begin to wonder why I wake up every morning for.

Not that I am not thankful for being given another day to live, but sometimes I do wish I would wake up doing something I love. It is a different sort of feeling knowing that once you wake up one day, that that particular day would be something different special. It is a different feeling waking up every morning to do something that you love. 

However, although there are times when I feel super demotivated to go on with my daily routines, I would always put in mind the faces of people that I love, the things that I want to own and the places I want to go, and I would drag my lazy arse out of my bed.

I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.

p.s: I love my life.

20 Things We Should Realize

1. I think it is important to do something beyond your capabilities, even just for once. You would be surprised with how far you can go and the standard you can reach. 

2. I think it is important for you to chase your dreams, even the smallest ones because if you don't, you'll never know which one can come true.

3. I think it is important that you get out of your comfort zone, even if it is for a little while and experience something unfamiliar because getting too comfortable is not a good sign.

4. I think it is important for you to take chances, in whatever you do. Failure is an option, but not taking any chances is unacceptable.

5. I think it is important to be a part of something and having a sense of belonging is important too.

6. I think it is important to leave some sort of legacy, unless you are willing to be forgotten.

7. I think it is important for you to realize who you are as a person, what you want and figure out what you expect from yourself in the end. Everything has an expiry date, including your realizations.

8. I think it is important for you to spend as much time as you can with people who matter most in your life. 

9. I think it is important for you to acknowledge that money is important in life, but it is not the most important thing.

10. I think it is important for you to go out and get some fresh air, and enjoy nature, once in a while, everyday if it is possible.

11. I think it is important for you to get yourself educated, in everything you can get your hands on.

12. I think it is important for you to fall in love and be in a romantic relationship at least once, just to experience what it is like.

13. I think it is important that you live as healthily as possible.

14. I think it is important for you to go on an adventure, to a foreign place, unplanned, with people you love.

15. I think it is important for you to realize that people come and go in your life, and that is more of a normal occurrence than you think.

16. I think it is important for you to realize that you are not really alone in this world. You just have to go and find someone and be un-alone.

17. I think it is important for you to be happy for as long as you can.

18. I think it is important for you to realize that what you give, is what you will receive.

19. I think it is important for you to realize that life can end anytime, and that you have only one life to do almost everything you have been dreaming of.

20. I think it is important that you realize your life matters more than you can ever imagine.

p.s: A life lesson for myself.

11 Things Being an Adult Are Not.

1. Adults are the most mature people that have ever, ever existed.

2. We can spend on anything we want because we have money.

3. Friday night is party night!

4. It is easier to make friends.

5. Life becomes relatively easier to manage.

6. We will meet our soul-mates somewhere down the line. 

7. Relationships are more simple and easier to manage.

8. We will always have energy for work and fun.

9. We become more sensitive.

10. We learn more from our experiences and not repeat mistakes.

11. We have figured out the meaning of "life".

Eyes.

The other day I was in a train on my way to work when in came this girl, black tudung and purple baju kurung. She sat opposite me. I did not see anything unusual or remarkable about her except when I started staring at her eyes.

She had the saddest looking eyes I've ever seen. It was as if I could feel the pain she felt, whatever the causes of her pain may be. She was staring at everyone else, pitifully and I could not help but feel a sense of heartache just by looking at her looking at other people.

Her eyes were remarkably sad and I wanted to ask her what she was going through but I just sat there looking at her eyes and I chocked a bit. I thought of myself and wondered if my eyes gave out the same sort of sadness and pain like hers did. 

I began to think of the times when I though my life was tough when clearly others are going through harder and more difficult time than I. I complain ceaselessly, bitch and moan about my so called "tough" life but when in fact other people actually are going through crap every single day. 

I got off the train when I reached my stop, but I could not stop thinking about the girl with the painful eyes. She did not know it, eventhough the girl did not utter a single word to me, she had taught me about life.

September.

Oh hello September. 

I'm welcoming you with open arms.

p.s: 3 more months to 2014

C'est La Vie

I think part of my dream has come true:

Working somewhere in the big city, riding the train to and fro from home, surrounded by strangers and dark circles under my eyes. I am an editor at a national television company. I am almost broke but I am excited that I am about to receive my first official pay-check as a working adult. But, I would only have just enough to barely survive for a month. But that's a part as being an adult who comes from an average, low-income family.

I like to think of myself as a young, struggling adult who is about to dive into something un-familiar and challenging, and at the same time loving and living life, and going through 'complex' issues ranging from physical to emotional and even spiritual.

That is life right? It is. It is life copying art. Because you know why? I would put in my earphones and blast music into my ears and imagine I am the main character of a tv series whose life is always very interesting to watch. The interesting part is subjective by the way. 

But seriously, I am about 35% living my dream. The next 65% would require to be in New York, or would require me to publish articles that people, the general people, would actually read and enjoy, and show my credibility as a writer. 

But you cannot have everything in life right? Well, actually, not everyone can have that privilege. I am unfortunately, one of those under-privileged few- depending on how you see my life, and depending on how I myself perceive my life.

Is everything going the way I want it? Quite. But it can be better; it can always be better.


p.s: Growing in every direction (hopefully)

Adulthood

When I was a kid, I did not dream of becoming an adult. I sorta just grew into my role, year by year. I did not realise, as I grew older, the load and responsibilities, the choices that I would have to make when being an adult. I just lived life as it went.

Being an adult is a great difficulty. You go through life chasing things and before you know it, time stops and it is the end. You chase life for the sake of getting things that you WANT and in the process, losing things that you NEED. 

For some people, I think being an adult means freedom from whatever it is they are fighting for freedom from. For me, it is constrictions and restrictions. It is funny to think that a few years ago I thought being an adult meant more freedom, but freedom from what exactly?

(I have this sudden realisation that I will not be free from anything in this life.)

I think most young kids trying to venture into the adult world do not know what they are going to get themselves into. Heck I did not know what I was getting myself into. There is maybe a need for kids to possess a manual of life about the pros and cons of being an adult. 

But life is life. You choose to see what you choose to see- what you choose to believe. Some people have a blast being an adult. Some people just want to go back to their glory days, even if their glory days were when they were five, eating vanilla ice-cream at a park with mum. 

What I am trying to point out is that being an adult is not what it's cut out to be. You end up having to make your own way, be responsible for yourself and in the process, hopefully, you will not lose yourself. (I am saying this as a reminder to myself.)

Everyone's goal in life should be to achieve happiness. But after all, happiness is subjective. 

p.s: And never lose sight of who you truly are.

Heads and Tails

"Heads we get married, tails we break up." Jake said in a cool tone. He was always cool, like the night's weather. He was cool, but deep inside, his heart was beating; fast. He took out a quarter from his pocket and started to hold it in his palm.

"Is this legit?" Abby asked and raised an eyebrow. Abby was taken aback by Jake's dare. 

"Why? Are you scared?" Jake replied, trying to shield his own nervousness.

"No. I just think it's ridiculous." Abby said, scoffing.

"It's not ridiculous. I think it's different and fun. Alright here we go." Jake was ready to toss the coin and he hoped that his knowledge about Abby- after being with her for so long- that his plan will go on as he had planned. 

"Wait!" said Abby. "I don't want you to propose to me like this. I mean not like this." Abby said with a sad look on her face. "I have this different idea of proposals. I mean, not like this. You know me right? I want something romantic, conventional."

"So you want to get married with me?" Jake's eyes lighted up. His plan seemed to work.

"Yes. I do. I mean why not? Oh shit. That's not a good reply." Abby could feel her cheeks were burning red and she started to laugh nervously because she was nervous- nervous and embarrassed at the same time. 

"You sure?" Jake asked her. "You, want to marry me?"

"Of course I do... I..." Abby stopped mid-sentence. She was trying to find the right words to tell him how she felt for him all these while but she could not find the right words. "I love you." was all she could say. Jake nodded and smiled. Abby continued, "And I don't want to be proposed to like this. I mean, what if we get tails and then we have to break up? I'm superstitious. You know that. I just want to be proposed like other people. You know, the normal, conventional way."

"You mean propose to you like this?" Jake got down on one knee and took out a ring box from his blazer pocket and placed the coin back in the pocket. He, like Abby, was waiting for the perfect time to ask for her hand in marriage. He was unsure what Abby really felt towards him; until tonight. "Abby Thompson, here I am bending on my knee, asking for your hand in marriage. Do you want to? I mean, get married with me?"

Abby was stunned and tears welled in her eyes."Oh my God Jake. I am going to be your wife!" Jake smiled at her and put the ring on her finger. 

Jake got up and kissed her softly on the lips. "We're going to be happy. I can feel it."

"I have never been happier with anyone else other than you." Abby said, and snuggled herself safely in his arms. Jake pulled her closer to him. "Hey, want to see the coin?" Jake pulled the coin out from his pocket and showed it to Abby. 

"Both heads."

p.s: I hope I win. Haha

Fashion Categories

Which category do you belong to?

Designer Whores:

Covered from head-to-toe with designer items, these people are the envy of everyone around them for being able to get their hands on designer items. What the items are and how the items look like are secondary; the main focus is that the items are designer-wear and that it is of utmost importance for designer-obsessed stylistas to have them. They are also a walking advert for designers, showcasing the latest trends off the runway.

Brands Victim:

Brand-conscious people are further sub-categorized into two divisions: Ones With Money, and Ones Without. Now, the Ones With Money do not have much trouble in trying to maintain their brand-conscious status quo but the Ones Without have a huge difficulty. The Ones Without love brands, but could not afford most of the brands they love so they will move to the next closest thing, fake items.

Fakers:

These are the ones who sport designer handbags from China, shades from Vietnam and clothes from Thailand. They are people who are desperately trying to climb up the social ladder by showing off things that they cannot possibly own.

Fashion Changer:

Changing the face of the fashion industry, these people have become trend-setters; mixing the old with the new, the rare with the common, a sight for sore eyes for some, genius for some, annoying for some, and just plain artistic for some. They are bringing street style onto a whole different level.

I-Look-Good-In-Anything:

Some people are just gifted in a sense that they could put anything on them and they could still make the entire outfit work. It takes nothing more than just good ol' plain t-shirt and a pair of faded blue jeans to make them look good and still you would think that their whole look looks like a million bucks. This is truly a gift.

The Pleasers:

Sight for sore-eyes when you see someone with a varsity jacket or a trench coat walking outside a mall when it is blazing hot. Basically people who are in this category are wearing things that they have at the wrong place, at the wrong time, trying to please the wrong crowd. Fashion is all about being effortlessly cool and chic. Trying too hard to impress spoils the fun.

The Trend-Setters:

Not everyone can become trend-setters. It takes a big deal of courage, creativity (and recycling of ideas) to become a trend setter. The people in this category are the ones who will mold and shape the face of the industry for the next year or so, creating avenues for people to copy paste their ideas so that the trend can become widespread.

The Pre-Historics:

Time seems to go into a warp zone when it comes to their clothing. They cling on to bell-bottom pants, neon-coloured eye shadows and lipsticks and baggy clothes from the 90's because they seem to think that fashion have not budged since their long gone era. Why feel the need to dress up when they have passed their prime time?

p.s: This is sucky. 

25 Things About College/Uni Life.

Things you should know and learn about uni/college life:

1. People come and go. Please, do not act like you do not about this. 

2. You would be in at least ONE relationship, or have ONE really severe and serious crush on someone.

3. You will break-down and cry, sometimes for no apparent reason at all.

4. Life gave me lemons. What should I do with them now? *points to ponder*

5. The things you learn in class are nothing compared to things you learn outside of class.

6. Lecturers can be really immature, and stalks you on social networking sites and pretend to not know a thing about you.

7. Oh shit.... That course has an assignment due... TODAY? It has a final paper?! FML!

8. Money? I just had it. Now it is gone.

9. Can I see my family now? Please?

10. Study? Assignment? Tomorrow it is! 

11. The more people you know, the lesser people you trust.

12. Some people will never grow up. Childish pricks.

13. Time flies by fast when you are having fun, but passes by very slowly when you are in a boring class.

14. Assignments are like Mexican food- best served while still warm.

15. You will realize the amount of time in examination halls is the amount of time you will never, ever get back.

16. High school dramas and college/uni dramas are not that different.

17. Group work? Heck I'll do it myself you incompetent fools.

18. Strangers become best friends, best friends become strangers.

19. One of your electronics will break down and you will have a meltdown because of it.

20. Food is best served when it is free.

21. Morning class? You mean, the class I skip almost every time.

22. Free wi-fi! Free wi-fi! Free wi-fi!

23. Going anywhere with friends can be both very fun, or very annoying.

24. Staying up all night doing nothing in particular is a must.

25. And when everything has ended, you miss every single moment- well, almost. 

p.s: Thought Catalog inspired. 

Writer Wannabe

I tell everyone that I want to become a writer. I tell them that I want to write for a living. I dream of becoming a writer, living the life of typing life into words. That is all I want to be now. I just want to write, and write, and write.

The problem is: I am not as inspired as I should be. 

I feel like I am lying to people when I say I want to become a writer. I feel like I am lying to myself. What if I cannot cope with becoming a writer? What if I am not good enough to write about things that people read about? 

I think insecurity is part of becoming a writer. Funny, I have this mental and emotional picture in my head of what a writer should be like- like characters from movies and series that I watch and those characters are what I want to be like; a writer like them. 

I tell people I want to become a writer but I do not even know what I will be writing about. A journalist? A story-teller? A scriptwriter? I do not know but all I want to do is write.

I tell people I want to become a writer- but I am not convinced enough that I could. 

But a boy can dream, a boy can dream.

p.s: Write for a living. 

Plans and Lists for the Future.

I want a stable job that I love doing, that I do not regret getting up every morning or going back home late for. I want to be able to go to places that I have always wanted: New York, New Zealand, London, Mecca etc. I want to go to an exotic island and just chill and relax all by myself, play with the waves, and stuff. I want to bungee jump and sky dive and snorkel.

I want to go to poverty stricken countries and make a difference; like giving them books, educate the kids, give them food and water or anything. I want to leave a mark on Earth. I want to be remembered and not just fade into oblivion. 

I need a house for myself. An apartment would be nice- a combination of Monica's apartment from Friends, Hey Arnold's room and the Charmed Ones' front door and the loft of Jess, Nick, Schmidt and Winston. My house will definitely have a reading space with books that I will either finish or spend halfway reading. A nice kitchen like Jamie Oliver's Naked Chef would be perfect. I love that kitchen. It is small but you still can move around and bake and stuff. I would like to have people over sometimes and just spend time with me so I would not feel too lonely. 

I will buy my family our own little place; with a nice porch and lawn and yard where my nieces and I can play ball, a huge kitchen like the one in Chef At Home where my mum and sisters can cook great food, a t.v room where my dad and I can hangout and watch Astro and a game room where my brothers and I can spend time playing FIFA or something. The house will be big where everyone of us can stay together; each of us will have our own spaces for us to rule. 

I want a Range Rover, or a Kelisa. I want a cute and playful cat that will not poop and pee everywhere. I want to be able to buy new clothes and new books every month. I want to be fit and have a body like the guys on my Tumblr. I want to be able to be confident and flirt around like nobody's business. I want to have a fashion blog where I would take pictures of random and stylish people.

I want to be able to afford the life that I want to- that I have been dreaming to have.

p.s: And someone to come home to, everyday. 

p.s.s: Thanks for the inspiration, Ikah. :)

Taking Your Own Life

She had his favorite shirt on that day. She didn't plan on wearing it. She just felt like wearing it. Her friends asked her if she's alright when they saw her wearing his shirt. She said she's fine, she just felt like wearing it, she told them. Her friends nodded and smiled sympathetically, and she hated that. Without even asking she told them that she's fine and that there's nothing for them to worry about. The chirpiest of them lot then broke the awkwardness by ushering everyone to class and all of them moved to the class. 

It was during lunch break at the library that she snapped. She saw the book that he loved on the shelf and cried reading the notes inside, written by him. She felt every word, recalled every memory those sentences brought up, and when one of her friends saw her crying pathetically sitting on the floor of the library, her back against the bookshelf and her arms wrapping themselves around the book, that's when they knew she was not alright.

You cannot be like this forever, they said. You have to stop acting this way, he wouldn't have liked seeing you behaving this way, they said. How could he see me when he's not even here, she wailed. The librarian had to come over and instructed the friend to bring her out because she was disrupting the other students. She sobbed heavily and she felt weak in the knees. She felt like she couldn't walk anymore. Her breathing became heavy. She was seeing stars. Then, she blacked out.

Then she saw him. She saw him smiling at her, giggling a little. She wanted to cry seeing him and was angry and at the same tie she was laughing too. You told me you'd be alright, he said, you lied, he said, smiling at her. She tried to get near him but she couldn't. Why can't I get closer to you? I miss you. She shouted at him. He just shrugged and said that it wasn't her time yet. I missed you, she said and he seemed to be ignoring her, which upset her even more. You have to start living, he said. I wasn't given the chance to, so you should be happy that you've lived. How could I live when you're not here beside me, she cried. You have to, he said and he began to turn around. No, she screamed. No, no, no! Don't go away, she said. Don't! cried she. 

It was a struggle for her to move on. Every night she'd dream the same things. Every day she'd walk around, lifeless. Every moment, she's thinking of him. 

One day, they discovered her body lying in a bath-tub, the water colored red. She had slashed her wrist and even her throat. A note was found on her table stating the reason of her suicide. The campus was buzzing with the news of the girl's suicide. People always thought of her as somewhat odd, but they never thought that she'd be brave enough to take her own life. Her body was brought back to her hometown and she was buried there. During the day of the funeral, a lot of people came, including the boy whom she saw in her hallucination. He was observing the solemn ceremony from afar. 

He wasn't dead. The reason of her suicide, wasn't dead. 

p.s: This is some random shit.