Courage

Courage does not always roar.

Sometimes 'courage' is that small, quiet voice at the end of the day that says

"I will try again, tomorrow."

Things that make me happy

....the nodding head of someone who's hearing me.

....NO MORE DRAMA.

....other people's birthdays.

....laying in bed listening to the spring storm.

....balloons.

....wee bitty baby bunnies.

....very, very fat robins.

....a hug from a very pregnant girl.

Today's Thought

Most disappointments come from a sense of failure when our expectations of ourselves or others are not met.

If we can work through our initial response or source of frustration that lies within ourselves, we are taking the right steps toward turning our hurts and fears into growth-filled experiences.

Do we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves or approval of us?

Have we sold ourselves short by placing our entire self-worth on our jobs, paychecks, or possessions?

Have we accepted negative feelings about ourselves, or do we see ourselves as capable human beings?

I will seek happiness within myself, not from other people, places or things.

QOTW 3/30/09

Name five things you hear right now:

*listening intently*

Ah.......the sounds of typing on the keyboard......

Robins outside, twittering away--I'm sure they're calling their significant others home for the evening.....it's getting dark out.....

The timer on the stove going off. Himself is brewing me a cuppa coffee in the French Press coffeemaker. Eatcherheartout!

The little pattering of feet. k.....not so little feet--I think he's a size 9 in men's shoes. Footsteps nonetheless!

Oy...and moaning. Moaning and kvetching and muttering AND sighing!
He's been a sick thing all weekend, poor thing. Crud of some sort....not a fun kinda crud either. IS there such a thing as 'fun' crud?



OH.....and now we have the accounting for all the aches and pains the poor fella has been experiencing....He's got a headache.....his tummy is protesting the food he tried to put in it earlier so he's having a Coke......cuz that's settled his stomach, strange as that sounds..... Oops.....that's six. (I was more interested in telling on him than I was in counting, truth be told....)

Yeah, yeah....pretty noneventful eavesdropping, huh?

*laughing*

We lead SUCH exciting lives!!!! LOL

There's an elephant in the room.....

I hear tell the best thing you can do, when there's an elephant in the room, is to introduce it.

Ladies and gentlemen--Let me introduce the elephant.






(that'd be me........or at least people would have you believe it is....)

(I am NOT the elephant in the room.)
(I'm the evil person who makes it clear 'THERE'S AN ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM!!!')

Fairy tip.....

Be joyful for everything and for no reason at all.

The monkey in the middle....

I'm not sure where this is going....some moments it's just about fingers to keyboard and letting loose the thoughts that are swirling.

Yaknow, in my family for the longest time it was about 'obligation' and 'appearances'. It was growing up--alcoholic families are good at appearances and keeping 'family stuff' in the 'family'. Appearances were everything. And for practical purposes--or survival--things were made to look very neat and clean and orderly. Who woulda thunk that 'all American' appearing family was filled with such the 'ickiness'. Trust me when I say 'no one'. We were all very good at what we were trained to do.

And once you gained freedom from the household, it was obligation that set it. Still about appearances--showing up wasn't about what you wanted to do....it wasn't about where your heart was, what was fun or what was exciting or inviting.
Obligation.

You showed up because it was required.

It didn't need to be spoken--it was just 'known and not said'.

We were all very good at what we were trained to do.

We learned those three little rules well....
1. Don't talk.
2. Don't trust.

3. Don't feel.

We were all very good at what we were trained to do.

But when someone decided to break the rules--all hell broke loose.
When someone decided to tell the truth, air the family secrets and let it look like it is/was--things turned upside down...fast....

I told the truth.

All hell broke loose.

Things turned upside down.

Things turned inside out.


And then.....my sister told the truth.

Boundaries were set.
Limits were set.
Obligations--were denied.

The appearance of a happy, close knit family....gone.
What was true became crystal clear to the members of the family, whether they liked it or not.....whether they wanted it to be clear or not.....

'Family' isn't about bloodlines--is it......

'Family' is about connectedness of the heart.

Today I went to a baby shower for the girl.

Under the same roof--mom, dad, dad's new wife, brother, girlfriend, brother's babies......another mom, another brother, another sister--

And from the girl?

"I'm just the monkey in the middle. ......Everyone's gonna haffta learn to get along eventually--I'm not having six different parties every birthday, every holiday....."

The monkey in the middle.....

I bet so.

Get along....or don't.
Tolerate each other....or don't.

Appearances?

Obligations?

Those two things swirl around in my head--

I showed up because I love the girl.

That's not about appearance or obligation.
I just love her.

I love the boy.

I love him in the same room or when/if he's in jail.
I love him even when the choice is to be 'safe' and at a distance.
I don't have to like what he's doing, or approve, to love him. I love him cuz I do.
He has a life today.
I'm well and truly grateful for that....
None of that's about obligation or appearances. Things look as they are--they're messy interpersonally. He won't approach me.
Today, I approached him as I've done every time the circumstances bring us together.
I cannot lift the shame he carries......he'll do the work to get past that to meet my eyes one day. Or he won't.

No appearances......no obligation.
I love him cuz I do.......warts and all.

I harbor no ill will to the children's father. I do not love him--but I hope for him GREAT happiness.
Resentments don't exist. What happened in that marriage is simply a part of what brought me to 'here'.
As odd as it may sound--I do appreciate the lessons reaped from the experiences.

I'm grateful for where my feet are, today.

Families......

I never--in my wildest dreams--believed I'd be in a place of evaluating appearances/obligations with my own.

Two children, two grandchildren and another grandchild on the way....

Today.....under one roof, we all congregated to celebrate the upcoming birth.......

Out of love.

Not out of obligation or for the sake of appearances.

Not on my account.

Not that I can see......

I'm clear it felt as messy as it sounds.

And because of love she's become 'the monkey in the middle'?

Appearances.

Obligation.

I was hoping to get somewhere.........

Where--I don't know.

The words are still swirling.

Appearances.

Obligation.....

The morning after struggle....

Sleeping with Bread

I sit and wait.......does an angel contemplate my fate...
And do they know the places where we go when we're gray and old?
Cuz I have been told that salvation lets their wings unfold.
And when I'm lying in my bed, thoughts runnin' through my head
And I feel the love is dead...
I'm loving angels instead.

"Yes"
"N0"
"Be still and know......."

And through it all, she offers me protection
A lot of love and affection, whether I'm right or wrong
And down the waterfall, wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me
When I come to call
She won't forsake me
I'm loving angels instead.

*sigh*

I know my G-d is an awesome G-d.
I know there's never more than I'm able to handle WITH HIM (even though I frequently misguage my own abilities and whine about being 'picked on'....I've been known to let go of that 'WITH HIM'....)

I know I'm not forsaken.....even when it feels like I am.........

When I'm feelin' weak and my pain walks down a one way street
I look above.....and I know I'll always be blessed with love
And as the feeling grows, she breathes flesh to my bones
And when love is dead
I'm loving angels instead

And through it all, she offers me protection
A lot of love and affection, whether I'm right or wrong
And down the waterfall, wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me
When I come to call
She won't forsake me
I'm loving angels instead.

I don't do 'wait' well........but it's not a simple 'wait'.......it's an all encompassing, all powerful, all knowing, all LOVING "Be still and know......"
And in the meantime He's sent angels......lots of them.

They've come in the most wonderful packages......
The fella in the line at the post office.
The visiting grandmother at the worksite.
The neverseenbefore fella at the meeting.
The song playing over the radio.
The gal in Target who waited on me.
The posts on a weblog or two.....the comments, here, from people who care about me......the 'random' email or two that've landed in my mailbox....



I get it.

I'm loved beyond measure..... G-d's taken very good care of me.
He always has....and is now.....



There is a plan for this life.
Things will happen in His time....and they'll be good things.....

"Be still and know......"

'Wait' would've been a gooder excuse to tantrum.....

TFTD

It's so easy to look around and notice what's wrong.

It takes practice to see what's right.

Yep................snow......

A little sympathy for Mama Robin, please. She's knee deep in the white stuff already. And it's still comin' down. 4-8 inches they're sayin'.
I don't think we'll be able to find her if she lands in the snow when it's all said and done.....

Poor Mama Robin...... *sniffle*

But I am feeling kinda okay about the birdie bath--given that it'll melt...eventually...

Maybe.


Perhaps by May?

k....that could be mighty wishful thinkin'.....

TFTD

If we could untangle the mysteries of life and unravel the energies which run through the world; if we could evaluate correctly the significance of passing events; if we could measure the struggles, dilemmas, and aspirations of mankind, we could find that nothing is born out of time. Everything comes at its appointed moment.

--Joseph R. Sizoo

A bit of William.......

When I do count the clock that tells the time,

And see the brave day sunk in hideous night;

When I behold the violet past prime,

And sable curls, all silvered o'er with white;

When lofty trees I see barren of leaves,

Which erst from heat did canopy the herd,

And summer's green all girded up in sheaves,

Borne on the bier with white and bristly beard,

Then of thy beauty do I question make,

That thou among the wastes of time must go,

Since sweets and beauties do themselves forsake

And die as fast as they see others grow;

And nothing 'gainst Time's scythe can make defence

Save breed, to brave him when he takes thee hence.

(thank you, William.....)

(how can ya not love a bit of William on a Friday night?!)

Have I ever mentioned I don't like shopping?

Yeah, well.....I don't like shopping.

I mean I REALLY don't like shopping.
And it was now or never.

4-8 inches of the white stuff forcasted for tomorrow.

Great, huh? *sigh*

Stupid snow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.....WE're having a baby shower.
Sunday we're having a baby shower.....
As in 'I'm a part it'.

*chuckling*

I just have to show up and deal with the fella who's making coffee for everyone.
C'mon........what better place to have a baby shower than a coffee house?!

Works!

The owner's a good fella.....really likes the girl who frequents the privately owned place on a regular basis. (let this be one of the very FEW habits she picks up from yours truly, please.....tyvm!)

So--shower present shopping was tonight....or never.
Yep.
Shopping happened.
And I went to the baby section of the store she's registered at.

O
M
G

BAD plan.

BAD PLAN!!!!

Yeah, yeah.....I got out of there with way less damage than I thought.
And there's now a pile of 'baby stuff' covering the coffee nook floor.

Only thing left is the wrapping!

Woooooohooooooooooo!!!!! Go ME!!!!

k....

WAIT.

There's still the shower thingy.

O

M

G

Have I ever mentioned how fond I am of social events?

Yeah....well, I'm not.

Oh well, huh?

Oh.
And did I mention this is where I'm about to finally meet the mother to the other other boy?
Yaknow.......the one who's the dad to the baby?

YAknow--the one's who's sharing a household with the girl.

Yeah......that other other boy...

Oh......and his sister, and his niece....and his sister-in-law....

Fun, eh?

Oh yeah.....

AND, 'least I forget-- the girls father has a new wife I'll be meeting at the shower--in case you're interested in that dynamic as well.


OH boy....


k......

Please ignore me....

<-- apparently about to go into 1-800-create-a-crisis mode

OMG OMG OMG!!

O
M
G
!
!
!

(how'm I doin'?....I'm thinkin' by Sunday I'll have it down pat....)

Time marked......

Wee fairy thought

I won't look for love today.

I will just give it.

It will bless me tenfold.

Fences

Today's Fairy Reminder

We cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of another person's feelings.

It's impossible; the two acts contradict.

What a tremendous asset to have compassion for others!

How difficult that same quality can make it to set boundaries!

It's good to care about other people and their feelings; it's essential to care about ourselves too.

Sometimes, to take good care of ourselves, we need to make a choice.

Some of us live with a deeply ingrained message from our family, or from church, about never hurting other people's feelings.

We can replace that message with a new one; one that says it's not okay to hurt ourselves.

Sometimes, when we take care of ourselves, others will react with hurt feelings.

That's okay.

We will learn, grow, and benefit by the experience; they will too.

The most powerful and positive impact we can have on other people is accomplished by taking responsibility for ourselves, and allows others to be responsible for themselves.

Caring works.

Caretaking doesnt.

We can learn to walk the line between the two.

We now continue with our regularly broadcast program....

I admit it.

I tantrum well.

*sigh*

I didn't last long in the work environment.
It took me three minutes inside of the door to tell on myself. THREE lousy minutes. *sigh* That's how well trained I am.

Tell the truth, Mel.
ALL THE TIME.

Yeah well, that got met with a closed door and 5 minutes with one of my staff who's worked with me for eons.
"Just a symptom of the dis-ease......."
Yeah, yeah....and the 'dis-ease' is?
Me being utterly and totally out of control? Well, 'cept for my actions and my attitude......*sigh*
OH sure....the TWO things I mess with are the two things that are my saving grace, the two things that I ultimately have control of and NEVER have to hand over to anyone or anything........


MY actions. MY attitude.

*sigh*
I suck.....sheeeeeeeshhhhhh.
I got it at work cuz I solicited it.
I got it from WPIML cuz I solicited it.

NO long pity party for me, dangitall!
I'm even pretty sure I had 'it' coming.....musta been why I asked for it.
I ain't a dumbie--you don't go soliciting help from the folks I know if you wanna stay mad and self indulgent!





Do I have an incompetent Doc working with me?
Nah.
Did he tell me the healing of those furry things in the lower quadrant would take anywhere from 2-3 YEARS to heal?
Yeah.
Did he promise me immediate results?
Nope....dangit.....
Has he done 'right' by me by chasing for an answer even if it meant multiple referrals to multiple doctors TO get the answer?
OKAY already!!! He ain't a bad Doc. I know he cares about my life.
And yup--I feel pretty out of control in a whole lot of areas right now.
Doc's just an easy target.......THIS problem is visible and dangitall that everyone can see this issue.
Honestly, I don't mind the invisible ones. Nobody has to know I'm in 'trouble'. No one has to be directly affected unless I let 'em be. (geeze I'm such a control freak......*sigh*) This one--isn't hide-able. And I get attention from it--attention that I don't particularly like at this moment in time. I don't mind attention when I want it.....and I want it plenty. Just ask himself.
But THIS brand of attention--with folks asking questions and starting to get 'concerned' again.......nothankyou.

I don't like that himself runs around like a nutcase trying to 'figure out' what to do to make dinner edible and appealing and nutrition filled.....and free of the 'stuff' that I don't get to have.

So.....start cooking for myself and buy the groceries?
OH no....I offered that and himself went through the ceiling. Apparently that's an unacceptable answer for reasons that are still unclear to me. (thinkin' it's something to do with some need of his to feel like he's a part of helping me 'get better'......I think....maybe?)

I don't like that he worries about what I'm eating, when I'm eating and IF I'm eating. Used to be a non-issue and I liked it that way.
Now--it's an issue again cuz if I'm where I'm not privileged to have stuff that I can eat (bad solution...I can control that one...BRING dinner?) I just skip it and deal.
My answer to all that..... Ain't like I'm particularly hungry in the first place. And what a pain in the rearend. I'll just grab one of those stupid shakes that I love so well......*gak*

Yes, I know.....BAD answer, BAD solution. *sigh* That one just compounds the problem and creates a reaction from him and the people around me who're concerned cuz they can see the problem with that thinking and that solution even if I'm not willing to look at it AS a problem (which it clearly is.....)

I REALLY don't like the attention.

Then explain why I keep doing things that'll result in that attention?

A+B=C And C is NOT in my best interest.
If I want different--do different.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again, expecting different results.

*sigh*


I can hear the whine starting.......

But I don't wanna HAFFTA do different.......make 'em leave me alone instead!!!!!

Yeah, yeah.....this is where WPIML laughed.


G'head......feel free to join in.
I know how ridiculous it all sounds......

And yes, there's an appointment at St. Mary's already made.
My Doc isn't incompetent like I made him out to be.
I'm just......throwing a hissy fit!

Oy brother am I throwing a hissy fit......



(and this is just over the one folks can SEE.....what's THAT tell ya.....)




*sigh*

Rawr!

Six Months Later.....(yep.....Mel ain't happy....)

Ask.

G'head and ask......

Doc did.

And I told him..... "I don't like it.......You tell ME what's different..... Better yet--SHOW me what's different....."

He says it's different.

Yeah?
Show me.
I'm kinda one of those "SHOW ME" gals.


Show me.

He could talk it.
He's really good at talking it.
But SHOWING me was a different story.

I probably set him up for it.....that much I can admit.
I don't do scales.
I won't do scales.

That decision was made for me eons ago.
I've abided by it.
Sometimes I've used that for the good--sometimes for the not-so-good.....
Maybe I set him up to not HAVE that measuring tool.....could be....I'll look at that...

Okay--I have a bit more energy.
I've stayed in a size 4--deliberately would NOT concede to a size 1......even when I coulda....
I was tired. I was mad.
I didn't WANNA do a size 1.

"But do you have more energy? Do you feel less tired?"

Well, there's a loaded question, Doc.
Hard to tell, yaknow?

Is it the Ensure **** that I get to put in my body cuz you asked me to....or is it Memorex?
WHO knows......

Do I have more energy....do I feel less tired..... Some days.....
Is it the circumstances or is it the change in circumstances around me?
I've had crappy circumstances for a while--that's gettin' old.....REALLY old....

Who knows.



I couldn't give an objective answer to those questions when he asked.
I know I wasn't being objective.

I'll do his stupid 'down periscope' test. Apparently it's required.
Besides--
SHOW ME......
yup...... Show me.



Maybe I'm just pissed off cuz half of the smalls in the tub didn't fit. Too freakin' big...
Maybe I'm just pissed off cuz the kiddo that's been the girl's best friend for eons crossed my path last week--the one I've not seen for better than six months.... the one I walked up to and nudged shoulders with who responded with a "Oh, I'm sorry....excuse me..." .......and maybe I'm pissed off about the probation officer who talked about me like I wasn't standing there--who asked "So where the hell IS Mel, anyway....." cuz she didn't know it was ME standing right there.

Yeah.
That's what I'd like to know.



Where the hell IS Mel, anyway?




OMG I'm angry........

Yeah.....

I'll do the stupid 'down periscope' test.

Yeah...
I'll call WPIML.
I'll read the fairy readings and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I'll drink the stupid Ensure crap, eat the gluten free **** and show up like I'm asked to.
But SHOW ME.
Six months of this....'solution'.

Over and year and a half of this PROBLEM.......

SHOW ME.



(and in case the reading fairy asks...... Empowered..... or.....could be I'm lyin' to myself about that one.....)
(Maybe imprisoned....)

%$#! feelings.

Bitty thought...

Kindness is its own reason.

Kindness is its own reward.

Holy Buckets.......

Just on a whim himself decided we oughta go out while the gettin' was good.

It's been a rare thing--stuff overdue, staffing problems.....new kiddos.....the demands on my time have gone nothing but UP in the past couple of years. Which is okay.....mostly......

Yesterday he grabbed me and stuffed me in the car. Needed my help picking out paint for the firepit....so he said.

HELLO?!
Stove paint like last year?

Yeah, well....it worked.
AND I got dinner outta the deal.

And OMG.......
Eating out is a chore and a half.
No foolin'...it's a pain that I don't much wanna sign up for. But when it's himself whose doing the cooking day in, day out......can ya blame him?! I couldn't.
I ain't that fond of food in the first place.
HOWEVER...it is required.
Chore or not....out we went and I said 'sure!' when he suggested it...trying to look all happy about it when I wasn't REALLY.
Not many options if you're me. And it's a pain in the arse AND a gamble every time.
And I mean every time.

*sigh*

But we landed and Mr. I-ain't-shy-so-I'm-asking ASKED if the tostito chips were made with corn flour, or wheat flour.

And the waitress came back with a printed page.....that listed the foods recommended for people with wheat allergies.
O
M
G

There IS such a thing!!!!

Suddenly, eating out became less of a hassle.

I stand amazed......and slightly confused....LOL

BUT....at least I know of one joint who actually has that as an option!

Darn good thing I like Mexican food on occasion, huh? :-)
I had chicken with 'all beans'.......whatever 'all beans' is.
(all I know is 'all beans' was all good!)

Things that make me happy

....a really good haircut.

....cute little gel cutouts to put on windows/mirrors.

....the stuffed chicken on the coffee nook table.

....sunshine on bare legs.

....digging out summer clothes and finding some actually FIT. WOOOHOOO!!

....not having to go into grocery stores! :-)

....mud!

....whittling away at the pile of books on the bedstand.

....clean windows! :-)

UH oh......it's the FEELing Fairy.....

Feel whatever you choose.

But you might want to reconsider working so diligently to make your feelings match your circumstances.

Realize instead that you can select and direct your feelings.

There's no law that says you must harbor feelings of disappointment, dismay, anger and futility when events don't go your way.

You can just as easily feel amused, enlightened and more inspired than before.

You can use your feelings to prolong a difficult situation.
Or you can choose other feelings that will enable you to transcend your difficulties and move forward.
Just ask yourself whether you would rather be imprisoned by your feelings or empowered by them.

From moment to moment, you are constantly choosing which feelings to hold on to and which ones to discard.
Be ever mindful of this power that is yours..

QOTW 3/23/09

What did you do last night?

Contact notes -- plenty of 'em.

*sigh*

I put them off and tote them home. Mostly cuz they're so time consuming and really, I do have other things I want to do with my time at the worksite.......where I seem to be landing at less and less these days.

RAWR.

The good news is I now have my two right hand people in place and picking up some of the things that have been on my plate for the past year. I picked all that up when my gal got really, really sick with ovarian cancer.....and a whole host of crisis kept happening that interfered with others being able to effectively do their job.
But contact notes, no matter the circumstances at the worksite for the folks there, seem to follow me home.

So in the midst of contact notes work rang and asked if I could come in if, indeed, a baby happened. The bittersweet baby......the baby belonging to the daughter of the gal who died late January....whose sister still works with me.....

The phone rang.
Labor was happening.
I relieved the sister......and we have a baby boy.
The grandma would be so proud.

7 lbs 11oz, 22"......we'll call him Luke. :-)

Life goes on.

TFTD

Can you let go of your doubts?
Of course you can.
How do you release those doubts?
You simply stop holding on to them.

Sleeping with Bread

I dream with my eyes open.....

And today I dreamt of sunshine filled time, a glass of suntea and the sound of squeaky door bird calls.

I can hear them through the closed, evening windows--celebrating the absence of me.
Me who chases them off with a clap of the hands as they land on feeding tables clearly marked for other birdies.

Darn grackles. LOL

Himself has decided they're his favorite birdies. In part because they get a reaction from me, no doubt. In part because of what they mean--the return of spring and the season of Mel's noise making on the patio as she talks with birdies, invites ground squirrels to dinner and draws on sidewalks.

Ah, but what a *tap tap tap* for me--

Have you ever done something in the face of adversity?
That's one of the questions on the SRI--an interviewing tool we use in our hiring practice.

My answer--"Oh, just about everything....."

It would seem that I enjoy adversity.

I find it often enough--and honestly, I walk into it without a whole lot of bother.

It's just.......adversity!

What does that have to do with 'Sleeping with Bread'?

Today, I have a whole lot of gratitude for this role that I seem to find myself in on a regular basis.....

See, I don't mind the adversity.

I don't mind taking up 'battle' for what's 'right and good and that which will bring TO the life of another human being'.......even if that doesn't look like what you or I would choose.

Clap your hands all you want and order me to g'way.....it ain't likely gonna happen.

If I'm convinced, I'll chase it til I get it.

Just as the grackles have the responsibility to chase that which is needed for them and their family......so do I.

I just have a rather.......LARGE 'family'.....

Grackles are noisy, messy birds and they're known for chasing off the other birds with their antics. Or so I used to say.

Himself notes that they've not interfered with the sparrows, the woodpeckers OR the brilliant nuthatches that walk upsidedown DOWN the trees to find what they're looking for.

They just don't follow my rules.

They play outside the box.

They go for what they need even when adversity happens.

Like I do.

Like I'm designed to do.

I don't mind the role.

So what if the feeder table says I'm not allowed to take food from there.

Food's needed, there's an abundance--and there's such a thing as 'sharing'.

LOL I'da made a good grackle!

Now, granted--most times I'm very good at selling someone on the ideas that will bring to the life of another person. Sometimes I out and out demand it.
This week there's been a lot of selling and a lot of demanding as I've gone about doing what I do well.

Getting what's needed for a kiddo or their family or my staff--ESPECIALLY when I've been told it ain't gonna happen.
I've been able to help make it happen just the same.

Grackles make a lot of noise.....
(As do I.)
They're kinda messy.
(As am I.)

They're demanding.

(As am I.)

They can kinda scare off others.
(k.....so can I....)

They don't follow the rules.
(Nor do I.)

They get what they need and persevere until they get it, despite the opposition, despite the adversity, despite the hand clapping and barriers that get put in front of 'em.

As do I.

I think it's really cool I/WE got made that way....

Thanks for that!

k......enough already fairy!

You have the opportunity to respond to whatever happens in your world.

And the way you respond determines the quality of your life.

What matters most is not what happens to you.

What matters most is the way you respond.

Spring has sprung!!

Yup--suntea with floaty ducky icy thingies.

:-)

(k...I confess I stuck ALL 12 floaty ducky icy thingies in the glass)
(If some is good....yeah yeah yeah....you know the drill........)

Voile'!! Bubble gun....it makes a bazillion in real short order.

BUBBLES!!!


Ah yes.....it's been a very, very, VERY good day!!!



Did I mention I got patio time??!

Yup.
ON the swing..with suntea.....and a loaded bubblegun....

Life--is GOOD!

Dust....

Before you seek more, ask yourself this.....
Are you doing all you can with what you already have?

Decide today to discover some new treasure that is already yours.
Instead of striving for more, fully accept and celebrate what already is.

Spring, spring--glorious spring!

Triffids......

My favoritest days are the days I get 'em up and put 'em to bed.

Yep--it's a hellaciously longgg day in most folks book. Sometimes it's 15, 16 hours.

But it goes by darn fast--and I don't really get a whole lot of what's 'required' from the position I have done.

I DO get to play with children.

Some of that's child's play. Some of that's internal 'down and dirty' play........which ain't always comfy for them or for me.
Some of that's rip roarin', look out you who is in my path ANGRY play.
I work with some kiddos who are kinda angry.
I work with some who are out and out enraged.

Apparently that's frightening to the onlooker....

You get an enraged kiddo and stuff can happen.

Honestly--That's just a wee part of the whole picture.

For some reason it musta got a lot of airtime last night.

I can only blame me for that one, of course.....

I'm not sure why that is or how that happened--other than I did end up saying "I'll be careful of what I give airtime with......cuz if all you hear is those rare, riproaring angry moments then I'm doing a disservice to what it is that we really do...."

Yep, himself wasn't happy last night.

We've both ascertained that it's a good thing he doesn't work with my kiddos.

I wanted to chalk it up to a cultural difference--I don't think so......

It's one of those 'whatever you water and nurture you will make GROW' problems that I can get into. And it's only a problem when it grows a mutated plant that stalks and thrives on human flesh.....LOL

OH my gosh...
I made a triffid!!! LOL

Yeah, well.......NOT good.


I ended up telling him "I'll be mindful to give you more of the end result than of the process of getting there."


And more disturbing than the growth of the triffids was when himself ended up telling me:

"I think I spend too much time alone....."

UHoh....

Thought for the Day

Give love, and you give strength.

Give love, and you give life meaning.

Expect nothing of love and you will have everything.

Fairy Thought

Discipline is one of your most powerful tools.

Use it to your advantage.
Discipline is nothing more than controlling your own behavior.

And you've been doing that your whole life.

You have the power to make your own choices and to follow those choices.

So make those choices reflect all that you desire to be--all that you are.

Just take those old records off the shelf.....

Things that make me happy

....a BOX of 'Things that make me happy', covered with things that make me happy filled with THINGS that make me happy that'll house 'Things that make me happy'. *whew*

....ooohhh......little yellow duckie floaty ice cube thingies!

....somebody else's 'hundreds and thousands' that are now MY 'hundreds and thousands'! *snickering*

....giant, flashy floating, talking goldfishies that swim in bubbly baths and talk to floaty flashy rubber duckies "Hello. Are you my mother?.....Whaddaya MEAN I'm a goldfish?.....Whazza goldfish?"

....Stickers! 'Specially punkin and ghostie Halloweeny stickers! (226 days and counting!!!)

....itty bitty teensy weeny 'your fold 'em to make stars' papers. They hold wishes, dontchaknow!

....a wee fairy box that holds a wee heart.

....itsy bitsy glittery red stars that keep showin' up and saying "Yup....me again!" :-)

....the angel in my pocket.

....huggin' ILTV!

((((((((((((((((((( ILTV ))))))))))))))))))

:-)

TFTD

Anger is a warning signal.

It points to problems.

Sometimes, it signals problems we need to solve.

Sometimes, it points to boundaries we need to set.

Sometimes, it's the final burst of energy before letting go, or acceptance, settles in.

And, sometimes, anger just is.

It doesn't have to be justified.

It usually can't be confined to a tidy package.

And it need not cause us to stifle our energy or ourselves.

We don't have to feel guilty whenever we experience anger.

We don't have to feel guilty.

Breathe deeply.

We can shamelessly feel all our feelings, including anger, and still take responsibility for our behaviors.

Today's Fairy Thought

Most of us could never have predicted the events that have influenced us.

Nor can we anticipate what the future may hold.

There were times we feared we'd never survive an experience.

Perhaps we still struggle with fears about new experiences.

But every experience adds a necessary thread to the pattern our life is weaving.

We have the gift of reflection.

We can understand, today, the importance of particular events of the past.

Next month, next year, we'll understand today.

QOTW 3/16/09

How good are you at taking responsibility for your decisions/choices?

Very.

I'm all about personal responsibility.

I play around with the blame game a lot cuz it's rather 'fun' to watch someone sit and spin......k......notsomuch 'someone'.....it's fun to watch himself sit and spin. *laughing*

I have no problem admitting when I'm wrong or when something didn't zactly turn out as I planned.
I'll tell on myself every time.

Beats being told ON--that's for sure.

Now--taking credit......that's a whole 'nother ball of wax.......

Today's Reading Fairy moment....

One of the hardest things to do is to look at our own shortcomings when we are angry at someone.

It seems impossible to believe at such times that something may be wrong with us.

When we find ourselves so out of sorts, so internally disrupted, there is usually something wrong with us.

It is our first obligation to take care of ourselves.

It is out of love for ourselves that we withdraw and take a spot check inventory.

The spot check inventory does not demean or humiliate us.

On the contrary, the purpose is to speak with God briefly, check our vital signs, and clean out our connections.

Sleeping with Bread

"...It allows someone to express his gratitude to God for the good stuff and turn to him for solace for the bad stuff."

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

"But the greatest of these....is love...."

Sometimes I get to hear the same message again.....and again.......and again.

Today was one of those days.

This past week--was one of 'those' weeks.

I'm not knocking it....I like simple, easy, LOUD messages.

Therein lies my deep and abiding gratitude.

Thank you.

For the ability to hear when I shush up long enough.

For the opportunities to pass it on.

For wrapping me up in Your love so tightly that You gave goosebumps to my heart.

This morning I answered a question my friend (IF I may be so bold.....) Bill asked.

And in the answer was the message I'd gotten AGAIN.

It's not an unfamiliar message.

It's one I can wander away from cuz I convince myself MY way is easier, quicker, neater and less painful.

Nothing could be further from the truth......

So I said to Bill:

There are few things that I know for certain–but one of the few things I DO know is that we’re all G-d’s kiddos and we each have a right to be here.

That said, I did a ‘G-d love ya!’ and backspaced to delete the dissertation I launched into when there was a ‘challenge’ to what I’ve experienced and what I know to be true. LOL

Might as WELL just tell the truth, huh?…Bust myself out and admit it–get it over with..LOL

I am an opinionated gal with some things.

But I DO know which battle to fight and when…..sometimes I just ignore it and do what I wanna anyway?

*laughing* Go figure, eh?

I don’t have to be ‘right’.

I just have to know what’s true for me based on my experiences and based on my relationship with the Big Guy.

We all grow at our own pace, learn our own lessons in our own time…Heck, some folks even get to have those ‘growth opportunities’ without PAIN associated with ‘em (lucky people!!!).

All that said, I’ll TRY to refrain from going into a dissertation today! (any bets? LOL)

BUT!!!

I’m very clear I have free-will!

(And LOTS OF IT.)

And I do believe the Master has a Plan for my life.

Thankfully, He ain’t done with me yet…I’m pretty convinced I’m on this planet cuz of His grace.

Medical science can’t explain why I’m on this planet still……that’s not proof for me, but it does add to the ‘argument’. (not that I’m arguing!….I trust what I know…)

I love G-d.

It’s inarguable that He loves me.

He’s G-d.

That’s a given --even if I tried like the dickens to discount that fact of G-d’s existence.

I was more worried about me being ‘unlovable’ than I was about the power and glory and grace of G-d.

What’s been arguable was my love for Him.

Imagine being MADE to love someone.

Is that how you’d want love?……cuz someone MADE you love ‘em?

No choice, no decision, no participation–just ordered and made that way?

Just another widget on the assembly line of G-d…

Pass!

G-d passed on that idea, too.

Cuz He’s G-d…and He’s smarter than me….LOL

I’da taken it–less work on my part! (I can be lazy, I admit it!)

Being a parent doesn’t guarantee the love of a child.

And being a child doesn’t guarantee the love of a parent.

If we say different, we’re not really being honest.

Free will is a great thing, even though I curse it from time to time.

I get to choose love.

Or not…..

The Master’s Plan?

He’ll wait…but wouldn’t it be awesome for His kiddos to choose love–to KNOW everlasting love without conditions and without fail?

To know THAT and be able to GIVE that?!

……wow…..

Sometimes (for me!) it’s just about pulling up my big girl panties, seeing my part in it (or not!), getting over it and choosing to love anyway….when things don’t go my way, when LIFE happens, when human beings do what human beings will do….AND STILL CHOOSING LOVE.

HOLY smokes!!!

What an awesome plan….what an awesome thing to want for your kiddos to get and give and get again and again in their life.

Yup.

The Master’s Plan.

Wanna know Peace and Contentedness and Serenity?

There ya go!

*shrugs*

More than a wild guess–but I don’t expect some folks to rest knowing it’s that simple.

I certainly didn’t.

Chess piece in a game of ‘life’?

Nah…..

Master’s Plan–definitely.

Go into your day knowing how deeply and fully His commitment is to loving YOU.

(*laughing* I TRIED to keep it brief, really!!!!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And the greatest of these--is love.

Go into YOUR day knowing how deeply and fully He's committed to loving you....and you.....and you......


...and me.....


Ain't it cool?

'cuse me...just rawring at techy 'stuff'........

Me, techy?

Ummmm....notsomuch...
However, I got this handy dandy digital photo thingy that holds pictures I've taken as a prezzie.
k......well, not just pictures I've taken, but digital photos, period.

Yeah, well....it sings, it dances, it beeps and reminds me what time it is (supposedly this is a function--LORD knows if it's gonna sass me later and assure me it is!)it's got a remote control, even. NO foolin'. It's---a busy little thingy.

I just wanna look at captured memories (which I have a bazillion of, dontchaknow.....cuz if SOME is good.....*sigh*).

But it keeps wanting to sing to me.

Can I make it stop?!
NO.

WHY it keeps singing to me--dunno.....

And whose idea was it to put noise in it anyways?!!?

Oh right.



He's bacccccccckkkkkkkk!
He scolded me for moving furniture in his absence.

Little does he know he almost lost the 'telly'.

Little does he know he's in danger of losing it PERMANENTLY with one good shove out the front door if this digital photo frame that sings and dances doesn't QUIT SINGING TO ME......

RAWR.

R A W R R R R R !!!!!!!

(no worries....I'm sure he'll fix it just as soon as he gets off the telephone....which I despise about AS much as I do televisions....'bout....it's getting closer by the second....... Television. Telephone. Telemarketers.......gee.....noticing some sorta trend here?!!!?!)

Today.....

Today I'll try to settle for less than I wish were possible, and be willing to not only accept it but to appreciate it.
Today, I'll not expect too much of anyone - especially myself.
I'll try to remember that contentment comes from gratefully accepting the good that comes to us, and not from being furious at life because it's not "better."

Do I realize the difference between resignation and realistic acceptance?

*whew!!*

• Livingroom emptied.
• Livingroom vacuumed.
• Livingroom carpet shampooed.
• Livingroom filled back up with furniture.....mostly......
  

k...so there's some leftovers.

Ya think he'll notice the television's disappeared?

OH yeah.....I'm thinkin' he'll notice that one.

FINE.

But if I ain't gonna watch the darn thing what's the sense in it cluttering up the livingroom?!
k........

I'll put it back....

Sheeeeeeeshhhhhhhh!

This........is a rock......

k......I've had a bit of play....

MIGHT wanna consider just a TAD bit of furniture moving....

Might, mindyou.....

On the OTHER hand.........

Play might be in order.

Move furniture......play.

Move furniture......play.
Move furniture......play.....

Hmmmmmm......

Decisions, decisions, decisions.....

From the Reading Fairy

It is a piece of great good luck to deal with someone who values you at your true worth.--Baltasar Gracian

We have the ability to comfort and heal by recognizing each other's value.

It's a pity that we don't often do that.

Each time we recognize the worth of others as sons and daughters of God, we are acknowledging their power - and ours - to create, to love, to make a difference in this world.

Each time we see goodness, creativity, and love in someone else we are also acknowledging it in ourselves.

When we deny it in others, we deny it in ourselves, and in the God who created us.

*slapping down twenty bucks*

Right!!

FOR the record......

I'm tired.

GEE--who wouldn't have guessed that one, huh?

Been tired for a while.....and things just are NOT slowing down. What's up with that?!

That budgety stuff claimed a lot of my time and energy.....

So I delegated some 'stuff'.

Folks tell me all the time "Delegate, Mel.....you'll burn yourself out...."

<-- personally doesn't BELIEVE in 'burnout', but that's just my not so humble opinion.

So...yup....I delegated some stuff.
THAT-- wasn't wildly received. Things that normally are considered 'good 'nuff!'by me suddenly weren't and I had people galore asking what was wrong with the quality of their written work. Yup.......I tried sending 'em back to the gal who picked it up (outta the kindness of her heart....) and that wasn't well received either! Go figure......*sigh*

FINE!

k.

Delegating THAT might notta been the smartest thing......

Note to self: Delegate DIFFERENT stuff.

Like menues!

Cuz they're easy peasy if you know the dietary requirements.....which no one besides me and the cook seem to know. How can you not KNOW that stuff, anyways?!
Oh right..... Menues--good plan!!

G'head.......tell me WHO wants to work with the cook for two hours, pouring over menues and making the necessary changes cuz the expensive computer program generates WEEKS worth of menues for six year olds (complete with wrong serving sizes)!!

No--my kiddos are NOT six years of age and they DO NOT consider raisins and cheese cubes a snack.

Excuse me, but do 6 year olds even consider raisins and cheese cubes a snack?!

Sheesshhh.....NOW I'm starting to feel bad for the 6 year olds of the world--*gak!*

Soooooo--either the agency got ripped off on the computer program OR--they don't know what in the world they're doing (which COULD be the case!).

I need to sucker our IT folks into having a look at it and teaching them how to use the thing so I can have MORE TIME to do work that's really meaningful.....or at the very least more meaningful to ME.

Raisins and cheese cubes....... OH. MY. GAWDD!!!

k....enough about the raisin and cheese cube snacks. *gak!!*

k

Two hours on menues meant that I drug home work I oughta been doing while I WAS at work.

k.....undone reports due on Monday = Mel works the weekend

k

So I work over the weekend!

(what's new THERE?!)

k

Did I mention that the person who believes they're my 'boss' decided that as long as we were doing budgety thingies (which he passed the first time......woooohooooooo!!!!) we oughta figure how to budget in another person for Tuesday and Thursday evenings.

Ummm..... *tap tap tap* But those are the evenings *I* work with the kiddos.....

Ask if he cared?

I did.

He didn't.

He wants me to work on working days and forfeiting nights so I can get done what needs to be done during the daytime hours.... ...still.....yet... He's been on that kick for a couple years and hasn't gotten it done.
Yeah right.... Me forfeit my time with the kiddos?!

Him and what army is gonna make me do that?!

<--trying not to laugh hysterically.

He might have more luck getting me more time to do other things if he told those folks pretending to be dietary people to NOT PRINT OUT MENUES WITH RAISINS AND CHEESE CUBE SNACKS FOR MY KIDDOS!

OMG.......BACK to the icky snacks.......

NEXT!!

Did I mention I was tired?

Ummmmmm....yup, I did....

k

Wait.

I think I'll spend my twenty bucks ranting about raisins and cheese cube snacks.
Maybe toss in the concept that my teenagers would actually want hard boiled eggs and a glass of milk for a snack.....that's a good one, too, dontcha think?!"
NO foolin'....

OH my gawd.......

I say I salvage the two hours--leave ALL the icky things on the menue, bring those folks pretending to be dietary people over to the unit and let 'em ask my kiddos how much they're enjoying the snacky things they're coming up with....

I know we can pull off the hard boiled eggs--but I wonder if it's too late to order those raisins and cheese cube thingies......