The Hard Is What Makes It Great

Hear ye, hear ye I have an announcement to make. Probably everyone reading this already knows what it is, but hang in there for the sake of documentation on this blog. I found a good video to precede my announcement:

I love that video and if that is your first time seeing it, I hope you laughed as hard as I did my first time.

This is gonna be me (the one on the right) in Fall 2013:

With a little of this mixed in too:

Jk, that dude came up when I googled "MUSS". 

This is what I really meant:

Alright, alright. This next bit is long, and I don't expect anyone to read it. This is how I came to the decision  to attend The University of Utah for Speech-Language Pathology Graduate Program this Fall (2013)...

This semester has been exciting, disappointing, confusing, life-changing, tiring and trying, full of friends, and just plain ole hard. But oh so worth it.

A lot has happened.

It all began with a clear answer to go on a mission in December 2012. I was too concerned about myself to have the courage to act on this answer until everything seemed to fit into place for it to become a reality. It just made sense. "I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the holy ghost." (D&C 8:2) This scripture has been a huge guide to me as I have made big decisions in my life up to this point and so of course it played a major role this time around too. So, I had my answer. But I was scared and I knew that I needed to figure out where that fear was coming from before I could fully commit myself to a mission. I called my best friend, Aubrie, and told her through tears about my answer and about my concerns. She gave me very good advice by giving me a concept that I later found as a quote by President Lee:

"You must learn to walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness; then the light will appear and show the way before you. 'Dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.' ”

Aubrie then told me to start my mission papers and see how I felt in that process. So, I did. And let me tell ya, I felt great! I was getting more and more excited. Most importantly, the spirit helped me to become more confident that any fears or doubts I had in myself would be swallowed up in the power of this work. I was not going to share His gospel without Him! I am SO grateful that I grew in faith and confidence in my Savior and his promise to be my companion.

Then came the big bad heart bomb. The visit to the cardiologist. I had fainted in a class September 2012 and (what felt like just for fun) the doctor listened to my heart. She said I had an irregular heart rhythm and that I needed an EKG. I didn't think it was a big deal until another doctor took a listen and immediately told me to get my buns to a cardiologist. After getting an ultrasound on my heart and getting hooked up to a heart beat recorder (Holtermonitor) for 24 hours, I found out that I had close to 21,000 extra beats in a day. For how young I am, the number would most likely get higher through time and it would weaken my heart. All of this heart development put a pause on the mission papers of course. Everything was completed except the physical appointment. I was waiting for my results to say I was healthy so that I could get along with my plans.

My cardiologist told me my options and after talking with Mom and Dad, I scheduled an appointment to get a catheter ablation. Here's the just of it: On April 8th I went to the hospital, they put tubes up 3 veins (1 up both legs and 1 down my jugular vein...surprise!) and burned the parts of my heart that were causing the extra beats. I played a 60 minute soccer game 7 days after the procedure. I'd say I'm doing pretty good.

When I was waiting for April 8th to arrive, April 1st came first. I was sitting in the library reading emails when I came across one called "Caldwell Acceptance Letter" from an adviser at University of Utah. Up until this day, all I knew was that I felt good about a mission and Utah State and BYU had declined my applications for the Speech-Language Pathology Masters programs. I was just fine with that because I was going on a mission! When I read the email from the U, I knew I was in for it. I wasn't planning on feeling the way that I did. It was not in the plans, ANG! Decisions, decisions. Always so many decisions.

A few days ago, while talking about my decision to attend the U in the fall, my roommate, Kellie, reminded me of a Stake Conference two years ago when I bawled through the whole meeting. It was all about missionary work. Right then, I felt like I was going to serve a mission when I turned 21. I was crying because the whole idea of being a missionary scared-no, more like terrified me. I came home that night glad that I would have 2 years to make that final decision. Kellie told me that she remembers me saying "but maybe I won't go on a mission, maybe I just need to reach the point where I know that I am willing to do what the Lord wants me to do." Thank goodness for best friends that tell you what you said 2 years ago when you failed to include it in your journal. I am so grateful that Kellie remembers that because I have been thinking a lot about why I got my clear answer last December to serve a mission. There are many possible reasons for it that I can think of, and maybe all of them are right. But, I truly believe that Heavenly Father blessed me through these series of experiences so that I could look back on it all and remember that I was willing to go. He blessed me with more desire and faith to take a step in the dark.

Looking back on my years at Utah State, I have a personal testimony that two opposing choices can both lead to good things. Example number one is when I was deciding between the U and Utah State. I have always felt an inkling that I should go to the U. I don't know why and it's not because I wonder what could have been. And now that I have plans to go there, it really feels right. I feel like that's home (for reasons other than it is technically close to where my home is located). I have learned to be flexible even when you believe that your plans are as solid as the ice layer on my car on a cold, Logan, December morning. His plan is better.

I am excited for the opportunity that I have been blessed with to grow in a different way than I expected to grow this Fall. I can still be a missionary and always prepare to serve. At the beginning of this crazy adventure, I read an article in the Ensign. In it, I found the quotes,

"The Lord can't drive a parked car." 

and

"Although I didn't serve a full-time mission, preparing for one changed my life. Drawing close to the Lord helped me become the person He needed me to be for my mission as a wife and mother." - Cassie Randall 

In the words of myself from my Freshman year journal when I had changed my major from Music to Communication Disorders, "I really feel like this is a good fit! I love kids and even if I don't end up helping kids, I can help people in hospitals. I can see myself being really happy being so close to God as I am serving his children." I'm not giving that opportunity up by not going on a mission. I can't wait to continue to prepare for and fulfill my own mission. 

I am proud of what the experiences this past semester have taught me about myself and my trust in the Lord. 

Go Utes!