Re-thinking Work

One mistake I made when raising my children was not letting them "help" me enough. As pre-schoolers, they were so willing to "work"!

But they were young - and I was in a hurry. It was faster and less messy for me to do it myself!  Would I now be more willing to let a two-year-old stand on a chair and wash dishes (after I had removed all sharp or delicate objects)? Would I now let a three-year-old vacuum to his or her heart's content? I'd like to think I would... But at the time I put them off: "When you're older," I would tell them... (The only problem was that when they got older, their desire to help was gone!)

When does work stop being "fun" and turn into drudgery?!  When we learn how to do it, so that the challenge is gone?

I must confess that for too many years my "work" - things I had to do - had lost its fun. I don't want to live like that anymore. So I am re-thinking my concept of work... and I have been challenged by these words by Joan Chittister:

'Work - every kind of work: manual, intellectual, spiritual - is meant to be the human being's contribution to the development of the human race... We work, as well, to complete ourselves. We become more skilled, more creative, more effective. When we work we discover that we really are "good for something." ...

'Work is our gift to the future, ... and if we do it well,... it will be needed, and when we are not there to do it, it will be missed.'*

*Introduction to Deeper Wisdom, Holy Struggle, p. 27

Hooded Baby Towels

This tutorial (in pictures) showing how to make a hooded towel for a young baby reminded me of of the towel I made many years ago - one of the few things I did manage to prepare before my first child was born...


















It was well used by three babies... All things considered, it doesn't look too worn.














I didn't make my own bias tape, to finish the edges, like the mother-to-be in the blog has done.














Some things never go out of style!

Never After 10 pm...

We had been married only a short time and we were struggling... (This two becoming one was not an easy bonding at times...)

One evening we were having dinner with friends who had been married a few years longer than us... They seemed so experienced in this marriage-thing...

What was their secret of success? I wondered...

I couldn't help but ask: What's the best marriage advice anyone ever gave you?

They immediately replied: Never discuss anything controversial after 10 pm.

That's it?!... It seemed so simple!

So we gave it a try... and it did make a difference! So much so, that for years Terry would look at his watch whenever I wanted to discuss a "potentially-hot" topic... Then he'd ask: Isn't it after 10?

This "rule" (which we still practice today!) did prevent us from over-reacting when we were tired...

(Now I have to remember this advice when talking with my kids!)

Life is a Maze

A friend of mine, who leads a women's group in her church, once used a maze as a metaphor for life. Sharing her personal journey, she compared major decisions she had to make to forks in the road. Would she go this way? Or that? Would she take the path to the left? Or to the right? Or perhaps go straight ahead? She then invited others to share their stories, and many did, often shedding tears as they talked about the decisions that molded their lives.

I began to reflect on my own life journey - and the decisions I made, starting around the time I left high school.

My parents strongly influenced my first major decisions - to attend university, rather than hunt for a job. (Both were immigrants and viewed education as the key to a better life.) They both wanted me to attend the University of British Columbia in Vancouver, where most of my friends were planning to go, because it was relatively close to home. In retrospect, this was probably a mistake for me. The university didn't offer the program I wanted (Journalism) and I endured a purposeless year there, somehow muddling through.

I realized then - beyond a shadow of a doubt - that I had to leave Vancouver (with its interminable rain) and do what I wanted to do...

One thing I really wanted to do was see the world. The only way I could do it - and still satisfy my parents - was to do a year's study abroad. I really wanted to study in France, but I didn't have any connections there. I did have a university friend from Israel who was returning home, so I decided to go there for a year, instead.

(Having followed my parents' well-meaning advice - and ending up miserable, I developed the personal motto: If I have to choose between pleasing others or pleasing myself, I'm going to please myself.)

It sounds selfish now, but at the time I knew it was essential for my emotional survival!

(How did Shakespeare put it...? "To thine own self be true...")

Mid-way through my year in Israel, I realized I could never go back to Vancouver. Why would I? I had been so unhappy there - and I was so happy in Jerusalem, a multi-cultural, multi-religious city where I found everything ... its ancient history, its present history, its religious practices ... so utterly fascinating.

My parents were devastated. They could accept a year abroad - but now, two more?! They tried to change my mind. A flurry of letters flew across the Atlantic... And when that failed, they uttered the ultimate threat to a 20-year-old student: If you stay in Israel, we will no longer support you financially.

Fine, I replied. I'll take out a student loan.

And that's what I did, supplementing it with part-time jobs.

I knew it was the right thing to do because I was happy!

And I did survive! And graduate...

Later - in my maze of life - there were other critical decisions, too numerous to mention:

• To return to Canada after completing my BA or stay in Israel? (I chose to stay...)
  
• To abandon my religious faith, ignore it, or affirm it...?
  
• To return to Canada or to try to live in Europe...? When working in Europe didn't seem feasible, I moved to Montreal, which had elements of both...

And so the decisions continued, bringing me to where I am right now... And (thankfully) right here is where I want to be!

I remember (when I was a child) my grade five teacher asking us to draw the house we wanted to live in when we grew up. Perhaps she thought we'd create futuristic homes in outer space or under the sea. I remember drawing a simple house, surrounded by a forest of trees. In it I would spend my time writing stories...

Sometimes, as I sit here on the living room sofa with my laptop - typing my blogs - I glance out the window at TREES all around, blocking neighbors' houses. I remember that picture and remind myself: This is where I wanted to be, even back then when I was 11!

Follow my "inner compass" brought me "home."

To my friend's metaphor of life being a maze, I'd like to add my own: My life is like a garment I have to wear: It has to be comfortable to me... It has to feel right! (And I'm the only one who knows how it feels...)

When I do wear it - wherever stage of life I am in - I will feel comfortably at home...

Motherhood

Quite a few years ago - on this very day of the year - my life changed forever. I entered the Ottawa General Hospital - wondering what was going to happen to me... And I was transformed into a mother!

Eventually two more babies were born, each time a unique experience.


















I had always wanted to have a large (and boisterous) family of children.














My grandmother had 14 children, though only 11 survived infancy. Her home was a fun place to be!

That's what I hoped for myself... Love and laughter. That's what I still have... most days!














The biggest surprise about being a mother?

Well, there have been a few...

First, how much love erupts suddenly from somewhere deep within - love that carries you through the sleepless nights and other trying times. Fiercely protective love.

Second, seeing the world in a whole new way... Watching random people in the street and thinking - you were a baby, and you were a baby, and you...

You were all a product of that miracle: Birth.

Third, that there is so much to learn. After all these years, I'm still trying to figure out how to be a good mother.

Parenting Styles: Teacher? Or Counselor?

I was a teacher of adult learners for the majority of my working life - and, as a teacher, my adult students wanted me to tell them how to do things: How to say this or that in English. How to apply for a job. They expected me to know these things - and they believed whatever I told them. If something didn't work for them, I would suggest another approach, from a different angle... Advise, try, feedback. Those were the steps.

Parenting adult children, I've discovered isn't at all like that. In fact, it's probably the exact opposite - if I give my kids advice, they refuse to even grudgingly try it! And the feedback comes in the beginning, when they say it won't work!

The only surprising thing about all this is that I am surprised.

I shouldn't be because I didn't follow my parents' (solicited or unsolicited) advice very often either!

A friend of mine confided that the very fact his father suggested he become an actuary was reason enough not to consider it. Years later, when he discovered what an actuary did, he recognized that his father had been right. It would have been the perfect career for him!

Looking back on my young adult years, I remember not wanting to live my parents' life. Which is probably why I didn't always follow their advice. That doesn't mean I didn't listen to it. I often did (in spite of myself - it was given so often, I knew what they were going to say before they said it!) I did weigh it - and try to understand it (in the context of their experience). But then I did my own thing, in the context of my experience... The world they grew up in was so different from my own. I didn't think they understood my situation (and they probably didn't) any more than - a generation later - I understand my children's world view.

And that's probably the way it has been throughout the generations.

When I ask my husband how I can be less directive in giving advice (less like a teacher), he turns to his own workplace model in social work and counseling.

The counseling approach is to ask probing questions, he tells me. So instead of suggesting (or telling) the person to do something, one might ask: Have you considered....? And if there is a reluctance to try, to perhaps ask: What's holding you back from trying...? Then leave the questions with them to reflect on.

Should I try that approach? I ask myself...

My mind flashes back to another time when I (in my inept way) tried to use a counseling technique with one of my children.

After he mentioned something that was bothering him, instead of suggesting that he do this or that, I asked him: How does that make you feel?

I'm not sure where that question came from... Maybe from some workshop on empathy that I had just taken.

He opened his mouth, as if to answer, then looked at me angrily and said: Wait a minute! That's not a mother-answer! Mothers don't talk like that!

Then he walked away... I felt as if I had betrayed his trust!

Mmmm. Maybe I'd better stick to the method I know! And if it doesn't work - try to say nothing at all! Because by this time, my kids know all my normal answers. And if they share something with me, the old answers are probably what they want to hear!

A Remarkable Mother

Two years ago - just before Mother's Day - I noticed a book by former US President Jimmy Carter - about his mother. Remembering (from his days in office) that she had been quite a character, I bought the book - in part hoping to pick up some tips on how to be a good mother! (I mean, if your son writes a book about you - and titles it A Remarkable Mother - you must have done a few things right!)














There is a lot to admire in the life of Miss Lillian, as she was called when her son was in office. Lillian Gordy Carter had a career, before most women did, as a nurse in her community - and she continued nursing all her life. Then, after her husband died, and her children were grown, she surprised them all by volunteering to work as a nurse in a village in India.

She and her husband lived in the South (in Georgia) before racial integration, but even then they thought "outside the box"... no stereotypes here. (For examples, I'll recommend you read the book!...)














As a wife and mother, she enjoyed all her children - as diverse as they all were - and made an effort to share her husband's interests, even when they weren't necessarily her own. When her husband - and later her son - entered politics, she and the whole family pitched in, campaigning for them...

Lillian Carter lived a busy, productive life - caring for people in her community - as well as those in her family.

My favorite anecdote about her was:

When she was finally told by her doctor that she was too old to drive a car, instead of simply selling her car, she traded it in for a brand-new Cadillac, so that her grandchildren would be happy to drive her around! (Another example of "thinking outside the box"?!)

Retirement - Phase 1

Terry retired a couple of weeks ago and is entering phase 1 of retirement: sorting through the boxes of stuff he brought home.














He may decide to go back to work, some time in the future, teaching social workers instead of being one, so he doesn't want to throw away his resources. But for now, he is sorting through them, organizing.

One cute item caught my eye - it is useful for parents, adoptive parents, foster parents, babysitters - for anyone, in fact, who deals with toddlers:

Toddler Property Laws

1. If I like it, its mine.
2. If it's in my hands, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.

(It does bring back memories!)

Getting Along with (Adult) Children

Parenting is never easy. Parents are always being "stretched" ... (And, as a parent, I think that's a good thing. I want to keep "growing"!)

The burning problems of the early years (such as, Will I ever sleep through the night again without my child waking me up?) or the middle years (Will my child be influenced by peers to start smoking?) have been replaced by other concerns now that my children have reached adulthood. My concern now is: Will I continue to get along with my adult child? and Can we continue to be friends?

Being friends with my children is one of my goals in life. I remember a teacher-colleague telling me that the professor in a course he was taking had made the comment: I didn't have children to be friends with them.

And my colleague (a parent of two) immediately thought: How strange! That's exactly why I had children!

I had to concur: If I didn't have a good relationship with my children when they were grown, I would consider myself somewhat of a failure as a parent.

Without going into great detail about my own family dynamics - which I still puzzle over - I will only say that my father loved to "push my buttons" by saying things that would predictably upset me. Why did he do that? Was it to maintain a sense of control? Or was I immature to fall into that trap so easily whenever it happened? I don't know. I only know that it didn't build a strong relationship between us.

So recently - when I said something I shouldn't have said to one of my children - and was met with an icy response - I was devastated. Had I broken the bond of friendship between us? Could this be mended?

My husband said something that was of great comfort to me. He said: I think you have enough "money" in the emotional "bank account" to cover it... Just don't do it again!

He was right. I apologized - and all is well.

But his comparison of building (or destroying) relationships to putting "money" into a "bank account" (or withdrawing it) has made me more aware of how each small kindness (or hurt) affects the "balance" in our relationships not only with our children, but with everyone we know.

You can lead a horse to water, BUT...

One of the lessons I'm constantly having to re-learn is that everyone is ultimately responsible for his or her own path in life. As a teacher, I accepted this, eventually letting go when students didn't want to study... Most of my career in education was spent teaching adults who were aiming for a second chance to do what they hadn't succeeded in doing before - getting a high school diploma. Many registered every semester but there were always some who dropped out - they weren't ready to take the time or make the effort needed to get that elusive diploma. Often they came back again and again - finally succeeding when the time was right (perhaps when their children were all in school, giving them time to study). Many finally accomplished what they had once considered an "impossible dream."

Graduation Day was always an exciting time, for us teachers - as well as for the students - who finally showed up with their parents, children, spouses/partners and friends. We teachers finally saw what they had been dealing with in the other (non-school) part of their lives... And of course, many of our students had jobs, so they were only able to study as time (and responsibilities) permitted.

It was always interesting for me to watch the parents of these late graduates... I remember one mother (in tears of joy) telling me she'd never imagined that her daughter would actually one day graduate from high school!... And now, there she was! (A smart girl who hadn't seen the importance of education in her life before this.)

Three proverbs spring to mind when I think of learning:

The first is: You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. My son (struggling with high-school math) made this comment to the tutor I hired to help him "pass math." (He had expressed no interest in getting math help.) With an attitude like that, I was wasting my money... Needless to say, he didn't pass the course - instead, he dropped it and switched to an easier one...

The second is: When we are ready to learn, we will find a teacher. My students needed to be ready. I do too. I often purchase books that look interesting, but somehow I can't get into them for months or even years- until I am ready to read them. I took a quilting course when I was ready to spend time quilting ... I'd like to take a drawing course, but I'm not ready just yet...

The third proverb essential to learning is: Never deprive someone of hope; it may be all they have...

This was one of my mottos in the classroom... Together with not depriving people of hope - we need to actively encourage them when they feel discouraged. But there is a fine line between encouraging and pushing them... Encouraging often comes from just being there to listen.

As a teacher, I had to step back and let my students find their own way. But as a parent, I find this much harder to do! I always want to help them do it!!

I know that they have to discover their own path their way... because they are different from me, and their world is different from the world I lived in when I was their age.

MY WAY is the best way I know. (It worked for me! So of course, I want them to follow my footsteps.) But I do have to remind myself that they aren't me - and their world isn't my world. Ultimately they have to find their own way by themselves!

Praying for Children

I have been praying for my children ever since I knew they were there... (i.e., long before they were born!) Perhaps because I began this parenting adventure later in life (in my mid-30's)... Perhaps because I have a natural tendency to worry!.. Whatever the reason, I would "touch base" with God daily, asking Him to watch over both the unborn child and me.

During my second pregnancy, as I prayed (somewhat anxiously) for the birth of this second child, a Bible verse jumped out at me:

The blessing of the LORD maketh rich, and he addeth no sorrow with it. (Proverbs 10:22 - King James Version)

It's hard to explain - but as I read these words, they felt like a promise straight from the heart of God. This child was a gift, a blessing from God. There would be no sorrow, so I needn't worry. I wrote the words down and repeated them often - whenever anxious thoughts raised their ugly heads.

So when my son was born - a quick, natural delivery - but a few minutes later stopped breathing - my husband turned pale. Tears filled his eyes as the doctor grabbed the baby, ran to a nearby door and called for help.... Inexplicably, I felt no anxiety. I knew that everything was going to be all right. After all, God had given me a promise.

A few minutes later, they brought us our newborn - who was breathing again!

It was one of those life moments I will never forget...














(Here he is a few weeks later, with his sister.)

I still pray for my children, as they grow in careers and relationships... And I still have anxious thoughts.

So recently - when something happened that may be God's answer to one of my prayers, instead of being thankful, I panicked ... (at the thought of change)!

And just as quickly, Jesus' words about God's love for us - His children - came to mind:

What father among you, if his son asks for bread, would give him a stone, or if he asks for a fish, would give him a snake instead ...? (Luke 11:11)

Wisdom for Parents

You're such a mother! my daughter often tells me - when I get too involved in my adult children's lives - or the lives of their friends. (That's a kind way of putting it...)

A while back I found a poem that helped me understand my "parenting problem." I can't remember where I found the poem, but I keep a copy among my favorite things, where I can re-read it from time to time to remind myself that my children live in a different world from the one I lived in when I was their age (just as my parents' growing up years were so very different from my own)...

Our Children Cannot Go Back
by Gladis and Gordon DePree

We
have come over a long road
to the place where we are now...
in human experience
and in our knowledge of God.

It is an impulse
stemming from good will to say to our children,
"this is the way I have come...
you must learn this way..."

But our children cannot go back
to the land from which we have come.
God has asked us to bring them
to this place
and from here
they must be strong to go on
into a new world
which we may never comprehend.

No pain, no ... what?!

I have been enduring a little pain this week - as a tooth I really never gave much thought to began to make its presence felt. By mid-week, I was popping pain killers (and feeling a whole lot more sympathetic towards people who endure constant pain...) Yesterday my dentist gave me antibiotics, which should tide me over till I have a root canal done in a few weeks...

All this to say, that I have a new appreciation for being pain-free!

I have never really liked the expression "No pain, no gain" - not because it isn't true that sometimes we have to work through difficult (perhaps even painful) times to achieve a goal - but because many young athletes abuse their bodies in the name of gain. We see it again and again in professional sports.

A number of years ago, my then-teenage son injured his toe playing soccer, but - following this mantra (No pain, no gain) refused to heed the pain - and ended up in the hospital with endocarditis, a potentially fatal heart infection... After surgery, months of antibiotics and numerous heart tests, he was - thankfully - completely healthy again. But I will never view a small cut or injury as "insignificant" again. Once infected, it can be life-threatening.

And I will never forget my son's reply to me, when I had suggested he stop playing until the toe had completely healed. It was: No pain, no gain...

The body is not made for pain... In fact, pain is a little alarm that goes off to remind us to pay attention to what we are doing, and perhaps change our ways...

So right now, I'm sitting here - basking in the joy of feeling NOTHING! Or at least, no pain... If pain should rear its ugly head again today, I will check the clock, to see if it is time to take another pain killer - and curl up in a ball until the pain goes away.

Because the best thing about pain is not the gain, but the joy and appreciation of again being pain-free again!