Tomorrow is the DAY!

 The BIG day! Today I spent the day getting an Amniocentesis and then I was hooked-up to monitors for another non-stress test. I was in Labor and Delivery for the non-stress and they had me there for 2 hours, waiting for the amnio results. After 2 hours, and no result, my doctor finally came and told me to go home and they would call. Thank goodness! I got the phone call and it is full-steam ahead for tomorrow. (7:00 in the morning.) Henry's lungs are good to go, so we are good to go! Yea! 

The amnio was not too bad, but it was really uncomfortable (to say the least). I have been really sore in the amnio spot all day, and I have been feeling cramps-style pain inside. Fun. It was interesting to see the clear amniotic fluid being pumped out of my stomach. The only way I can describe the feeling of the needle being pushed around in my gut is (what I consider) pain comparable to when the doctor checks for dilation and goes in real deep, you know, what seems too deep. Ouch. 

I am a little nervous, but a lot excited to do this. It is always so weird to know that you are going in ahead of time. But it works for my style -- I like to be prepared, mentally, for things. This will be my fourth induction. 

Say a little prayer for me, or two, or three . . . if you have a little extra time, that is. :-) I need all the strength I can get. I don't feel ready . . . but you just gotta go forward, no going back. 

Push through the FIRE, right??? 

Come home Henry! 

We are waiting for you! 

Fear

My mind has been playing tricks on me today. I have had moments of great fear come over me, and doubt. I have been brought low, even weakened. And not just about giving birth in a few days, but everything. Millions of things. A bazillion things.

Sometimes if I stop and think about all the things that I (we) need to do, and the things that need to be done -- I can get totally overwhelmed. (I will spare you the extensive details.) Especially now, I feel weak, as I waddle around just trying to breath. Fear is my biggest set-back, my biggest weakness. It can cause me to panic and worry. It was there in full-force today. It descended upon me like a cloud of darkness settling down on my fragile mind. I was not ready for it. It was a storm that appeared out of the blue sky. I was fine, just yesterday. Just fine. 

Not enjoying my frenzied mind, I decided to open the scriptures. I began to read, search, dig. Just reading the words of God calmed my troubled soul. It is amazing how that works. My storm clouds began to disperse. My vision became a little clearer again. I began to have hope. How does that happen? It is a miracle. I love it.

I also began looking over my blog -- over the years that have gone by. I love my blog. I am so grateful for it. I wanted to give it a big hug today. There are so many memories and images recorded here. They reminded me of what we have been through, what we have overcome, and the good times we have had. It was so soothing for me to look back today. My fear began to melt away as I realized we have handled crazy things before and we can (and will) handle the things to come, too.

While looking back over the years, I came across this video of a song I wrote, when Charles became self-employed, a few years ago. We changed everything in our lives then, too. I can remember feeling terrified. I was so afraid of the unknown. But it all worked-out. Despite our fears and concerns we knew it was the right thing to do. We knew it would not be easy -- but it has been my experience that the right thing to do is rarely (if ever) easy. You do it because it is right. You search, ponder, pray, and KNOW it is right -- and then you let the consequences follow. It often takes great leaps of faith.

I need to stop being scared. I need to have faith, nothing doubting. NOTHING DOUBTING. Why do I let myself doubt? Why? Why? I need to stop it!

Things will work out. All of the chaos that is life right now will settle (someday). All of the things that need to work out -- will. And in a few years, I will look back over this blog post and smile . . . realizing there was nothing to worry about. No reason to be afraid. No reason to doubt.

Have a little courage, Mari. It will be alright!

Pregnancy has been hard on me . . .

AHHHHH!!!

I know . . . SCARY!

P.S. All was well today at the testing . . . on to Monday!

The Time has Come

Tomorrow I go into Labor and Delivery for a non-stress test on Henry. They will check him out to see how he is doing inside of me.

On Monday of next week, I go into my doctor so he can perform an amniocentesis to check if Henry's lungs are fully developed and functioning -- apparently it is routine if you are going to be induced early.

If Henry passes all his tests, then I go into Labor and Delivery on Tuesday the 24th. At which time, they will begin the induction process, and Henry will make his way into the world . . . hopefully smoothly and quickly!

April 24th would be a great day for Henry to be born. My Daniel was born on April 25th and my William was born on April 26th. What are the odds? Crazy!

However, if he does not pass his tests (like the non-stress test tomorrow) they would induce me . . . tomorrow! Yikes! If he passes the non-stress, but does not pass the amnio (lung development) then we will have to wait a little longer.

Just have to take it one day at a time.

At this point, I am asking for some prayers of strength. We are not sure what will happen on the other side with Henry, and we will need the capacity to handle whatever comes. There is a chance everything will be just fine . . . but there is a likelihood of needed surgery, according to the doctors, at this point.

I remember the "Voice" I heard right after I found out he had some complications. The "Voice" whispered to me, "It will be hard, but it will be OK." I know it will be OK. No matter what happens.

I am excited and nervous. The time is soon approaching. I feel a little more anxious than in times past -- not knowing how Henry will be. But I am ready to find out!

The time for me to be strong is almost here.

Wish me luck!

And THANK YOU SO MUCH to those of you who are helping me with the kids . . . I could NOT do it without you! It means so much to me. Much love to you!

My "Sabrina" Moment

I LOVE the movie Sabrina . . . it is one of my absolute FAVORITES! The soundtrack is the best, too. Just magical.

The other night, at about 2:00 am -- I could not sleep. So, I went downstairs, made a glass of ice to chomp on, and turned on Sabrina. As I watched the movie, I was reminded of my own Sabrina moment . . .

Sabrina was an insecure frump, who had a crush on a particular dashing young man -- who did not even know she existed. She adored this guy, but she was invisible to him.

She took a trip to Paris, where she "found herself". She came back from Paris confident, beautiful, and she gained the attention of the man who once ignored her . . . he wanted her, because she was beautiful. I will stop there with the story, because that is where my Sabrina similarities end . . . watch the movie, it is so fantastic!

I was 14, and I was going to my very first youth dance, at the church. I was so excited. I thought boys were great -- nothing better. My journal was filled with boy's names, and hearts, and current crushes. I was thrilled to go and dance the night away! When I got to the dance, I saw a particular boy that was very attractive (and every other girl seemed to think so, too). I was shy, but not willing to miss out . . . so I asked him to dance. He was polite and said, "yes." We danced. I was super excited, loving every moment. But as soon as the dance was over, he scampered away as quickly as possible . . . off to a group of cute, adoring girls. I could tell I did not impress him much. He made it very clear. Looking like this (image below) I just couldn't understand why?

Stop it. No laughing.

Fast forward a few years . . . time went on, and so did I. Like Sabrina, I went to my "Paris" (my journey of self-discovery). For me it was about running. I ran and ran and ran. I also started discovering who I really was. I started gaining confidence in being me. I started to like myself. Dare I say, I even loved myself! It felt good.

I wanted to change. Not too long after the Sabrina movie came out, I was inspired. I took my long floppy hair and drastically cut it. Along with make-up, and a new figure -- I felt pretty darn good about being me.

You can see the difference in my face!

Before:

I felt like a new person. I looked like a new person. I was ready to take on the world!

After:

There was another dance. The same boy who rejected me when I was 14 was there. He was still attractive, but after the brush-off years earlier -- he had lost my interest. However, I wanted to try something . . . I HAD to try something. I quickly devised a plan in my mind. I made my way towards him, and a slow song began to play . . . I asked him to dance. He said, "yes" with a little more eagerness in his voice than the first time. We danced and talked (it had been about 4 years) and he seemed very interested. (Funny what time can do.) The slow song stopped and we kept dancing . . . we danced together for the rest of the night. By the end of the dance he excitedly asked me for my phone number. Instead of offering it, I told him to give me his . . .

I never called him.

Yeah, I was mean -- but so was he. I just had to know, you know, if I had it. If I had changed. If I was who I thought I was, who I felt like. If I had arrived. He was just an experiment, a test. If only he would have been nice to me when I was ugly and awkward -- I am afraid that was something I could not overlook . . . no matter how cute he was.

His loss.

Being mean, doesn't pay.

You should never underestimate the awkward ones . . . they just might blossom one day! :-)

P.S. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. :-) He, he.

Ice, Ice, Baby

Ice.

I WANT ICE!

No . . . I need ice.

I will fill my glass full of ice and then put a little hot water in it -- to melt it down, so it is not so hard. Then I drink the water and chew on the ice. I do this many times a day. Sometimes I wake-up in the middle of the night, turn a movie on, and chew on ice. My teeth are probably going to fall out.

Chewing on ice is really irritating -- if you are not the one doing it. I have spent many a movie-night chopping away at my ice, while Charles is gritting his teeth. I can't help it. I have to do it! I don't know what it is . . . but it is soothing. I am probably dehydrated or something, and my body is begging for water. And, anyway, I don't mind being irritating. Not when it comes to my ice-need.

I heard somewhere you can go to restaurants and buy bags of ice -- like at Sonic, or something? They have the ice that is not quite so hard . . . it is kinda chewy? Has anyone ever done that before? Mmmmm . . . chewy-ice sounds fantastic!

Big Baby

Catherine Watson Kippen, of Scotland, was only 15 when she arrived in Utah and married James Kippen -- her senior by 20 years. It was less than a year later she gave birth to her first child, Joseph Kippen. . .

"He was a large child, weighing about 14lbs at birth. Grandmother was very proud of the baby. She told about taking him to Salt Lake City to shop. While waiting for service at the Z.C.M.I. store, President Brigham Young came in and complimented her on her "fine baby". This she never forgot."

Catherine is my great, great grandma . . . on my father's side. That same, sturdy, Scottish blood runs through my veins, deeply . . .

I do not have a picture of her, but this is an image of Catherine's husband: My great, great grandfather, James Kippen -- A very sturdy Scottish man.

I just went in for an ultrasound today and Henry is weighing in at 8lbs 11ounces. (No, I am not diabetic -- this is pure genetics.) I am 36 weeks and 3 days along. I could "technically" have 3 and 1/2 weeks left . . . (though it is not likely they will let me go full-term). The technician showed me Henry's fat rolls -- so awesome. He is getting nice and chubby. Of course, his chub has nothing to do with my post about cookies and milk. :-)

So, it looks like Henry might be a "fine baby" too -- like his ancestor, Joseph. Nice and chubby. Nice and sturdy. Just the way I like them! Now, let's just hope I don't split in two! The doctor I saw today (the specialized ultrasound doc) said the word C-section, because of size. Well, I'll show him otherwise! I pushed out Daniel, who was 9.3lbs . . . I can totally do this. My grandma managed to push out a 14lb baby, so Henry should be no problem. :-)

Chocolate-Chip Cookies . . .

And Milk. Is there anything better??

(OK, there is something better . . . but I am 9+ months pregnant, so cookies are all I got!) ;-)

Chocolate-chip cookies and milk are such a sweet, satisfying, perfect combination. MMmmmmm . . . yummy.

What makes cookies and milk an even better experience is drinking straight from the milk carton. Awesome. Don't tell me you never do that . . . I know you do. I know I am not the only one. Right??

Or maybe . . . I am?? Maybe I am the only one who guzzles straight from the milk jug? Maybe I am gross? Yeah, you may want to make sure the milk is sealed and new at my house, before you drink it . . . fair warning. :-)

The Hunger Games Question

My 10 year old, Sammi, has been asking a lot of questions about The Hunger Games book. ALL of her friends have read it, and seen the movie. (We are talking 5th graders.)

Yesterday, she had an electronic tablet that one of her friends let her borrow, with The Hunger Games on it. Luckily, we were still in the car when she pulled out the tablet . . . so I could properly freak-out, drive back to the school, and return it to her friend. Are you kidding me? Borrowing expensive electronic equipment?? No way!

And then the issue of reading the book came up.

I have been wishy-washy (in my mind) about whether or not the book is appropriate for her age group (it has been awhile since I have read it). She reads ALL the time, and she reads EVERYTHING. Her group of friends even plays The Hunger Games at school, during recess (whatever that means??). I just don't know that The Hunger Games is something she needs to fill her head with so young. I mean, it is pretty intense, if I recall . . . . She is only 10.

He Came for Me

(I apologize for the video quality, it was back in the day of VHS)

When I was 20 years old, I was involved in a play called "Women at the Well". It is a beautiful production. It was during this time that I solidified my testimony of Jesus Christ. I had always believed, and even known that Jesus is my Savior. But as I sang this song, it seemed to burn my simple knowledge deep into my heart, my body, my everything. As I sang, I saw a light, I felt a light -- brighter than anything I had seen or felt before. I knew Jesus was the Savior of the World. I could not deny it then -- I want to shout it from the rooftops now. This moment was a special moment for me, I am grateful for it. I will never forget it.

This song is about a record located in 3rd Nephi, in the Book of Mormon -- when the Savior came to the people in the Americas. It is the absolute most beautiful part of the entire Book of Mormon. The Savior showed Himself to all of His people, He came for them. He visited them after He was resurrected. It is so beautiful to know that. He did not just visit those whom He lived amongst after He was resurrected, He visited ALL of His children. That is why the Book of Mormon is so special. It is another testimony of Jesus Christ. It is simply a record, a history, kept by prophets, testifying of Him. It is a marvelous companion to the Bible, reaffirming the Bible's truth, and the Savior's love for us. The Book of Mormon is a book of truth -- the word of God. I know it.

He came for them. He came for me.

I know God lives. I know Jesus is the Christ.

I have seen too much to ever deny it.

I Liked You Better When

I was innocently sitting in my chair, rubbing my belly, and moaning -- just soaking in the glory of my growing-girth. Noticing my condition, my lovely 10 year old daughter, Sammi, said to me . . .

"Mom, I like the old, running, happy-mom better than the big, grumpy, pregnant mom."

Ouch. That hurt.

As the tears welled-up in my eyes from the sting of her sharp words, all I could say was, "I know Sammi . . . me too."

(Image from being pregnant with Sammi. It was 10 years ago, but the idea (being HUGE) is the same.)

Sammi has a way of cutting me to my core -- she is good at it, a little too good. What hurt the most was she is right. I am not the happy mom that I should be. I know it. I know it well.

Every week-day morning, I load the kids up in the car to take them to school. Just getting into the car I make a sort of braying-horse noise, as I squish myself behind the steering wheel. I glance at myself in the rear-view mirror and I see the great crevasse of concern, permanently etched in the middle of my eyebrows -- it is getting deeper. The elastic band on the waist of my pants start cutting off my flow of circulation. I almost immediately feel the need to pee as my bladder is pressed in unnatural ways when I sit. I feel . . . Ugh. I look Ugh-ly.

I then drive down the street and stare longingly at the bike trails. I see moms with their strollers, they are jogging with the wind in their hair . . . happy, free, active. I feel little twinges of jealousy (OK, big jolts of jealousy!), as I wish I could be out there . . . running, sweating, breathing deeply, feeling the burn. Being alive.

Instead, I am HUGE. Massive. Extraordinarily uncomfortable. I do not even feel like me. I feel like . . . a stranger. My mind is foggy. My body is swollen. I can barely walk and running would be a joke. It is even hard to smile, as the weight of my chipmunk-cheeks pull my face down. My emotions range from numb, to a little less numb. That's all I got. That is where I am at. I am tired. I am pretty much sleep-walking through my day. Just going through the motions, emotionless.

But there is a reason:

The 9th Month

That is where I am.

I think you almost have to get to the point of numb, to be willing to rip your body in two.

Right now I would HAPPILY go through labor just to feel something.

We are close now . . . getting close. I can do this . . . just a little longer.

I just gotta push this baby out so I can be the "running, happy-mom" again . . .

I just have to keep it together a little longer . . . for the sake of my children!

Soon, very soon . . . I will tie-up my running shoes and feel the wind in my hair again.

I will be happy again. :-)

Just you wait, Sammi! Mommy will be back!

Life is What Happens . . .

When you are making other plans.

That has certainly been true for our family in the last month.

As you might recall, we were planning on moving to Utah. We had made many of the preparations and we were moving forward with that plan. As things progressed, we started to feel different feelings . . . feelings like doubt, fear, and great concern. We were not sure it was the right thing to do. We talked, prayed, and talked some more . . . and whole-heartedly begged for answers. (This was a BIG decision!) And then, one night, about a month ago, Charles had a blessing. In that blessing it was said to, "do what is best for Mari and the children." When I heard that said out loud, it caused me to pause and I was forced to wonder, "What is best for our family?"

The conclusion was simply a feeling I felt deep in my gut:

IDAHO

I knew I wanted to stay in Idaho. I was just shoving that feeling aside and looking elsewhere. When we presented this (Idaho) option to the children they all FREAKED out, and LOVED the idea. They were pretending (much like me) to want to go to Utah . . . we all thought it would be exciting. But what we REALLY wanted to do was stay here. Once we finally admitted that to ourselves, everything else started to fall into place. Our answer came in feelings -- reaching down deep to find our true desires. We had to be honest with ourselves about what we wanted and what was best. We had to allow ourselves to feel it out -- it was harder than it sounds. Feelings can be fickle, tricky, and complicated.

But in reality, the answer was always there -- inside of me. I just had to be quiet, so I could hear it.

After making the final decision to stay . . .

In the last month we have moved from our adorable little home (which, by the way, will be for rent shortly -- after we remodel the bathroom) . . .

To a home with adequate space for our family and my mom and dad (who will be joining us in a matter of months) . . .

We have packed and moved (not recommended when 9 months pregnant!)

And we have had a lot of help from kind people from our ward. There were over 20 guys who moved us out and in, in less than 3 hours! Amazing! I was SO grateful.

The kids played with friends while their dad's did all the work. :-)

And now, after just a month of changing plans . . . we are partially settled in our new home (we are just renting). We are back and forth between our other house to paint, clean and ready it for renters. We are moving forward with new plans . . . It has been a pretty exciting time!

It was so strange. After deciding to decide, things just started to make sense. A home appeared at just the right time, and in just the right place (our kids get to stay in the same school!). The house was just the right price, too -- which was a REAL miracle! It was so random. We looked on-line one day, the home was advertised, we walked through it, and now we are here!? Crazy!

It was (and still is) such a whirlwind of activity that my head is still spinning from it. Sometimes I wake-up in the morning in our new home and wonder how the heck we got here? It all came together so fast. But that is life, eh?

I have had to learn an important lesson along the way: Patience. I could not do all the things I would normally do . . . like lifting the couch, and carrying heavy objects. Packing was slow-going, and difficult for me. The same has been true for unpacking. There have been a bunch of little snags along the way, and little details and problems to be solved. I have had to be calm, and I have had to deal with them, without freaking-out. I am learning to take life one day at a time. Do what can be done today and do NOT freak out about tomorrow. Easier said than done!

On another note . . . I will give birth in a matter of weeks. I must say, I am super ready. Our new home has a bunch of stairs and I love that I cannot breath when I get to the top. :-) Everything is going well though, and my fluid is holding up so far. Henry is set to be a big baby (not like I make them any other way!). My mind is now becoming fixed on birth . . . I have never had a natural birth, all three have been 39 week inducements. I am guessing Henry will be the same, unless something crazy happens. My babies just don't want to come out!

Anyway, that is all for now. I will hopefully start blogging more, now that I am not in the middle of frenzy-time, and packing. Also, having the internet helps. :-)

More details and pictures to come later. I am slow-moving now-a-days.

Over and out.