Waving Hello

Taxi scene while being held by traffic.  I was on the front seat while my friend A is at the back seat with her British colleague F. 

F:  A, what's going on.
me and A turning our heads in her direction and finding a boy with his palm pressed to the window
A:  He's begging for alms.
me:  But it's better to give them food instead of money.
A:  (after rummaging in her bag).  We better give him our takeout from the restaurant. 
F:  Oh.  Is that what he wanted?  I thought when he held up his palm that he was waving hello and so I have been waving  back but when he did not budge, I knew something was up.
A:  No, he's asking for a five-peso coin.

Ha ha. 

"Triple X"

Via Yahoo Messenger:

Friend:  What are you doing?
Me:  Watching a movie.
Friend:  What movie?
Me:  Triple X.
Friend:  Bastos!  Ano ka ba!
Me:  (initially clueless before realizing after a second what she was thinking).  Gagah!  (insert ROFL smiley here).  Not THAT kind of Triple X.  The one starring Vin Diesel!

Ha ha ha!

This actually transpired a a few years back and I remember this now since HBO has been showing this Vin Diesel movie for the past days.

Alcohol

I am on graveyard shift today and the staffs and I had a bellyful of laughter because of our incident with "alcohol."

At past midnight, our telephone operator radioed our housekeeping staff if we have "alcohol."  The latter answered they had none so I radioed back and said Front Office has a bottle of "alcohol" that we can provide to guests who were asking for it.  It's already half-consumed though so I added that if the guests want, they can buy a new bottle tomorrow at our souvenir shop.

And so I asked the bellman to deliver the GREEN CROSS ISOPROPYL ALCOHOL a.k.a. "alcohol" to the guest's room.  But the bellman came back laughing.  As it turned out, the Japanese guests want ALCOHOLIC DRINKS and so he just directed them to our restaurant.  But what amused us further was the fact that when the bellman was about to give them the "alcohol" that he brought with him, one of the guests said, "Can we drink?"

LOL.

"Attach it!"

I had this amusing phone call to perk me up today. It was my first phone call, actually, and it occurred just in time to awaken my senses that had dulled a bit from four relaxed days of just doing nothing during my Holy Week break.

Caller: Ma'am, I just would like to ask if you give contracted rates to travel agencies?

Me: Yes, we do, Sir. Where is your office located?

Caller: In Cubao, Quezon City.

Me: I see. Please send a formal letter of request together with your business permit. For speedier processing, please send a Department of Tourism (DOT) or International Air Transport Association (IATA) accreditation.

Caller: Who will I attach it to, Ma'am?

Me: You mean "address it to?" Please address it to Ms. _____.

Caller: No, I mean attach.

Me: (saying nothing for fear that the call will drag on if I contradict him). Please fax it over to _____. Thank you.

After the call, I grinned. I did try to suppress a giggle and when my boss saw my heaving shoulders, she asked me why I was laughing. I told her and both of us burst out giggling.

Really, you're gonna attach the required documents to my colleague? LOL.

"Keyfyu"

This happened when I was in high school.

English Teacher: Class, spell "KEYFYU."

Class: (utterly dumbfounded).

In my group of friends, we had specialties. One was really good at Physics. My specialty was English and so when dead silence met my teacher's inquiry, my friends all looked at me as if I were the day's savior.

Friend 1: Lai, what's "keyfyu?"

Friend 2: (acting as a moral booster). Go go go, answer it!

Me: I don't know what the word means. Maybe it's a French word, judging from the way she pronounced it.

Friend 2: Come on, think. You can do it!

Me: Hey, zip it! I haven't taken any French lessons and the only French words I know are mademoiselle, oui, non, moi and merci so don't go offering me to her like a lamb to slaughter as I absolutely have no idea what "keyfyu" means.

Then, as it was blatantly obvious that no one among her "special science curriculum" students knew what keyfyu means, our teacher heaved such a loud sigh of resignation.

Teacher: (writing the word in the blackboard).

CHAUFFEUR

Amidst a collective ahhs and ohhs, the whole class then said in the loudest of voices:

shoh-fur!

And then we had the satisfaction of seeing our teacher's face go beet red.

And thus concludes our "French" lesson for today. He he he!

The bottom part is...

Overheard in an elevator:

Guy: I really couldn't understand our boss... he is pressuring us to come up with sales but people are not really spending their money these days due to the economic crisis. Still he insists... THE BOTTOM PART IS, people are wary of what to come so they'd rather save their money...

THE BOTTOM LINE IS, your boss might not have understood what THE BOTTOM PART means.

LOL.

The height of being overly fussy is when...

...it suddenly rained and I overheard one girl say to her companion:

Girl: OMG, my mascara is not waterproof!

Whaaat? There I was, fumbling for my umbrella and hoping I won't get wet or worse, sick, and this girl is worried about her mascara?!

Coño-speak

Overheard in Janylin, Glorietta, Makati while I was shopping.

Lady: Oh my God, those shoes are so ganda. But it’s so sayang kasi it’s not comfortable on my paa. Watcha think, will it be bagay kaya with my dress? And oh, look here....

Whaaat?! Even with my iPod glued to my ears, I could still hear her go yakkity-yak in that absolutely annoying coñotic tongue-speak. I discreetly looked around (and I wasn’t the only one and some weren’t so discreet about it) to look for the perpetrator and lo and behold, it was some matrona bedecked in enough jewels and accessories to make her look like a walking Christmas tree.

Gosh, it’s so kairita that I made dampot na lang my shopping bags and left Janylin ‘coz she’s like you know, so umm... kainis. LOL.

Funny. And I thought being coñotic is limited to only teens and tweens, huh.

“Rain Pull”

In high school, we had an Earth Science teacher who had a problem in producing the sounds of the letters P and F.

One day, as she was giving her lecture and we were taking down notes, her Ps and Fs (or lack of them) created quite a stir among us.

Teacher: The rain pull...

Classmate A: Rain pull?!

Classmate B: The rain pulls what? Is this a physics thing? The rain having the capacity to pull something?

Classmate C: Maybe it’s pool with two letter Os? Rain in a pool, eh?

Classmate D: May I look at your notes? I may have overheard it differently.

Then, amidst the giggling, as she was finishing her sentence, it dawned on us that she meant “The rainfall...”

If only the sounds of the letters P and F could fall from heaven and fall in the graces of our teacher then we wouldn’t have difficulty doing notes each time she did her lectures...

"Levels"

Every Wednesday and Saturday, we require courier services in the company I work for.

Our messenger who is the one in-charge of readying all packages and documents that need to be sent to our main office wasn't in one Saturday so I had to call him to inquire about the courier's number so we could make a follow-up since it's nearly 12 noon but the package had not been picked up yet.

Minutes after I hung up, I received a text message from our messenger. The message was in English and Filipino. Translated entirely in English, it read, "Miss _____, please make sure there are LEVELS on the package."

Dumbfounded, I re-read the message. LEVELS?! Do we stack these packages up depending on some variable, weight or size, perhaps?

So I turned to my colleague and read the message to him. He then burst our laughing. "LABELS," he stated simply.

Oh. Okay. Then I laughed.

"Landmark"

Okay, a definition of terms first.

landmark: Noun. A prominent or conspicuous object on land that serves as a guide; A prominent identifying feature of a landscape. (definition taken from dictionary.com)

Landmark: Noun (proper). A mall in Makati.

Working in the sales and marketing department of a hotel, we go out for client meetings at times. Sometimes, we also visit travel agencies when they request for contracted rates. This is to ensure that the travel agency is an established one and not a fly-by-night tour operator.

One day, I was scheduled to visit a travel agency. I called first to verify its address and ask for directions.

Me: Hi. This is (my name) from (name of company). I am scheduled to visit your office today. May I have your complete address, please?

Travel Agent: (in Filipino) Ma’am, our address is (states their address).

Me: Okay. May I ask for the nearest landmark to your office?

Travel Agent: (in Filipino) But Ma’am, we are very far from Landmark.

What?! Good heavens. I hope he is not like that to his clients else he will make a mess of their itineraries.

Of course I do not mean Landmark the mall. I mean the nearest known establishment or building to their office so I can easily pinpoint their location. Geez.

"Peste-lizer"

I was watching the news last night. As was the case these past days, Jocelyn "Joc-Joc" Bolante hugged the headlines.

This interview though shows that a lot of my countrymen are clueless about what's happening around them.

A reporter for media giant ABS-CBN was asking people about their opinion on the case. Or what they know of it. One respondent's answer really made me laugh.

Respondent: Ah, 'yon ba 'yong... Ano nga ba?! Ah, 'yon 'yong PESTE-LIZER scam ba 'yon?

LOL. Peste-lizer for FERTILIZER? Nice one.

Err... Just another amusing phone call :P

I had another funny phone call today.

Caller: (in the vernacular) Good morning. May I please speak with _____ (name of my colleague).

Me: I am sorry, Ma'am but _____ is currently engaged in another phone conversation. How may I help you?

Caller: Oh.

Me: Would you like to leave a message? Or would you rather have a return call?

Caller: (after 3 seconds of silence). Can I not speak with her now?

Me: Ma'am, as I said, she is currently attending to another guest. Of course, you can not speak with her yet. Are you willing to wait? Because if you are, the moment she's done with her ongoing call, I'll transfer your call to her.

Caller. Okay.

LOL. Pray tell me. How can one speak to a person who is otherwise engaged in another phone conversation?

Oh, yeah, via a conference. That is, if all callers are concerned about something. In my caller's case though, she obviously isn't concerned in my colleague's ongoing conversation with a different guest so a conference won't work.

"Chocolate-ses"

Overheard in Cebu's airport a couple of weeks ago.

Woman: (in the vernacular). We bought a lot of CHOCOLATE-SES to bring home. I will give them out to my friends.

LOL. Just how many CHOCOLATES are needed for it to be called CHOCOLATE-SES?

That many, huh.

He rides...

A friend’s sister works in a recruitment firm and she told us this funny tale about one of their applicants.

My Friend’s Sister: Are you a WALK-IN applicant?

Applicant: Oh, no. I RODE (a cab).

And the interview went downhill from there.

Seriously, I am one of those wondering about the quality of some graduate students some of our universities and schools produce. Take the applicant above as an example. Worse than misunderstanding a very simple question of his being a WALK-IN applicant, he could not make a sentence with a complete thought. He rode a what? A cab? A jeepney? A bus? a tricycle?

Of course, I very well know that being fluent in the English language should not suffice as a parameter to gauge a person's intelligence or competence but this is a college graduate we're talking about.

Now I wonder about who is to blame in the deteriorating quality of education here in the country...

"Fine a Philippino Pinpal"

Yahoo Answers has long been one of my favorite online hangouts as it is a forum where I get to know a lot from other answerers' insights as well as share my knowledge to others by answering their questions. The place can be a good source of laughs too. Take this question as an example.

How can I fine a female philippino pinpal?

The question really cracked me up. What a funny way to start my Monday morning. Either the asker wasn't too good in typing or he is seriously linguistically-challenged.

Some answers are just as amusing. Read about them HERE. My Yahoo Answers (YA) account is not among the answerers as his question has already been answered, albeit not seriously by some.

If I am going to answer his question, not taking into account the typographical errors, then, my answer will be along these lines:

Why would there be a fine if a Filipino is corresponding with someone overseas? And it's Filipino, for chrissake! I've seen this proper noun being misspelled countless of times and the logic behind it eludes me, especially when there is a Spell Checker (Yahoo Answers does have a Spell Checker) to use. And yeah, how do PINPALS write to each other? By using PINS to write on paper?

LOL.

How to Bring out the Coña in Someone

When I was still studying in UP, I had an hour and a half break before my Economics class so I spent my idle time either sitting in the Sunken Garden or in the School of Economics' building, drafting my papers while listening to some music, doodling or writing in my journal. And yeah, engaging in one of my favorite pastimes which is people-watching.

One day, I saw this lady juggling with her things on the way to the building I was in. I was fascinated with her kikay get-up so I discreetly stared at her. Then she tripped.

Kikay Lady: (long A and rolling R sounds) Arr-ay... (then looks around). I mean, OUCH pala.

We just let her pass but the moment she's out of earshot, those who heard her burst out giggling.

Geez. Why bother correcting yourself to the word's English counterpart when you've already said it in Filipino? I don't see the point, or any point for that matter. Really.

Such people irritate me. Coños and coñas (noun, masculine and feminine forms for gender sensitivity, adjective coñotic) speak with such a grating, acquired accent that they murder the language.

Like you know, make salita purr-rhang like this, 'deh bah? LOL.

By the way, the word coño has an altogether different and vulgar meaning in the Spanish language, something I'd rather not post here.

So how do you bring out the coña in someone, especially in the trying hard ones? Simple. Just be observant. It will come out naturally when s/he's caught off guard.

Or bring her to a fishball stand so "s/he can make tusok-tusok the fishball na."

LOL.

Wrap it with "TOOL"

I was watching "Umagang Kay Ganda" this morning while having breakfast. The segment was about wrapping gifts.

Rica: So how do you wrap a stuffed toy that has an irregular shape?

Guest: First, make sure the wrapper can span the entire gift. If not, then two wrappers pieced together are required.

She then proceeded with her demonstration.

Guest: (picking a sheet of wrapper). You do the wrapping like this...

Kuya Kim: What do you call that wrapper?

Guest: TULLE.

And here's the fun part.

Kuya Kim: (not knowing how TULLE is correctly spelled). T-O-O-L?

Guest: T-U-L-L-E.

An almost uncomfortable silence ensued.

While I nearly choked on my cereals.

“BARLESS”

When I was having my practicum in Cebu, I was assigned in the housekeeping department of a prestigious 5-star hotel for two (2) weeks. There, each trainee was paired with one housekeeper and together, we cleaned the resort’s cabanas.

I already forgot my partner’s name but he was some guy who was kind. And yeah, he was responsible for one of my funniest albeit most embarrassing moments during that practicum.

Housekeeper: (addressing me in their vernacular which is Cebuano) ‘day, can you get the BARLESS?

Me: I’m sorry, Kuya? BARLESS?

Housekeeper: (still in their vernacular) Yes, ‘day. BARLESS. Just five (5) pieces.

Me: Okay.

I honestly did not know what a BARLESS was but then there were too many things that I did not know of. I was a student having her practicum and I was there to learn things. Maybe BARLESS was one of them.

So from the cabana, I walked to the Housekeeping Department.

I’m a bubbly girl and I am told to exude a vibrant energy anywhere so the moment I walked in the room, I charmingly said in my perkiest of voices:

Me: Ate, can I ask for some BARLESSES? I need five (5) for Kuya.

The department’s par stocker looked at me as if I suddenly sported horns.

Ate: What BARLESSES?

Me: I don’t know, Ate. Kuya just told me to get the BARLESS. He said he needs five (5) so I made it plural. BARLESS, singular. BARLESSES, plural.

Ate: Oh. Okay. BARLESS. Here.

Then she handed me five (5) sheets of paper. I looked at it and I could have died right then and there as I read the heading.

It read: BAR LIST. And it detailed the liquors and drinks that the hotel’s mini-bar held.

Oh my God. BAR LIST as against BARLESS? I even tried to be grammatically correct, for heaven’s sake! Since he said he needed 5 of them, the grammar police in me came up with the word’s plural form. Aaaaargh!

"Beep & Fork Siomai" and "Prince Fries"

My friends and I were talking about pronunciation boo-boos.

Me: Once when I and my friend were ordering in Chowking, we overheard the person in front of us say in our vernacular, "What do you want, BEEP SIOMAI or FORK SIOMAI?"

God. I really had to bite my inner cheeks lest I burst out laughing. But I was thinking. A beeping siomai? Oh wow. Does it bite too? LOL. And what the hell is a fork siomai? Siomai served pierced on a fork?

Of course, I very well know that the poor lady meant BEEF SIOMAI or PORK SIOMAI.

While people were laughing their hearts out at my story, a friend shared a similar experience, even preceding her story with a "this one is a winner" remark. It sure was.

My Friend: In our office, we wanted to order from McDonald's so we passed around a piece of paper where people can list their orders. Our cleaner passed by so I asked her if she wanted anything.

Cleaner (in the vernacular): Ma'am, I wrote it down already.

My Friend: (scanning the list).

True enough. Written in the list was the cleaner's name and her order: PRINCE FRIES.

So, does anyone want to order KING FRIES? That's FRENCH FRIES, the up-sized version. LOL.