Friday, February 24, 2012
Anyone Else?
Does anyone else have "things" they do whence taking a pregnancy test? Like me, I say to myself "okay, I am NOT going to look until the 3 minute mark." "Okay, I am going to watch the dye go all the way across the ENTIRE time." "Okay, I'm gonna leave the room, pick up some baby toys, come back & slightly glance at the test while praying it's positive." "Okay, there's not a snowball's chance in hell that this cycle is THE cycle, but damn, wouldn't a positive test be nice?" Seems none of these things will make a test positive. I'm only 8DPO, but I'm feeling so weird, as previously mentioned w/very sore boo.bies and exhaustion. So, of course, that little monster, hope slipped into my brain and tugged and said "tests at Dollar Tree are only $1.00...." And it took over. I'm not too sad, because we start Clo.mid next month, and this month, we were just not, um, connecting at the same time. E's work schedule has been insane, etc. And in what alternate universe would I ever have a surprise pregnancy? Um, never. Here's hoping for a December 2012 baby!!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Weirdness..and First Birthday Pictures =)
Weirdness
I am not a junk food eater. Nor do I usually eat a LOT at any meal. Lately (like in the last 3-4 days) I have been craving JUNK. And not just a little bit, TONS. Like 5-6 tagalong cookies in one sitting. 4 pieces of Donatos pizza (which are small & not normal sized, but STILL), candy, juice, lollipos. WTF? This is crazy and so unlike me. And then, the nausea. Oh my. It's been really bad. And it's not just after I eat the aforementioned junk, it's in the morning when I wake up, it's in the middle of the night. And I've been SO thirsty. I drink all day long, and right now, my new favorite thing is Diet Sparkling Cranberry juice. Yes, it is as good as it sounds. I probably have 3 cans of that a day. I'm on can 3 right now come to think of it. And even though I've been on a steady diet of turkey jerky (so good, & lean!!), Girl Scout Cookies & sweettarts, I seem to have lost some weight. I'm sure that's due to being so friggin stressed and not sleeping. Seriously. I've had to take Val.ium that last 2 nights to even get my brain to shut off so I could sleep at all. So, I said all that to say, any ideas on just wtf is going on? I don't like feeling this way. And to be eating all this junk while on the Glumetza..let's just say my digestive tract is working overtime.
Elaina's First Birthday Party
We had originally planned it for the weekend before her birthday, but we were all SO sick that we had to reschedule. We invited 40-ish people and about 32 showed up. It was CROWDED in our house, but it was full of so much love. The party was amazing..The only down-side was at the last minute (literally 2 hrs before the party) E's dad called & said he & that b*tch he married were "not feeling well" and couldn't make it to his ONLY grandchild's first birthday. E was devastated & so angry. He still is. Which is unsual for him because his dad's wife pulls this shit all the time. I think was the straw that broke the camels back. He teared up. I didn't know what to do. His sister was incredibly upset as well. But we moved on & had the best time. Anytime there are gifts involved for Lulu, she is SO spoiled. She got so much great stuff. And she sent out her thank you notes in a timely fashion. She knows proper etiquette =) My mom made all 4 (3 to eat, one to smash) of her cakes (since no one RSVP'd we had no idea how many people to expect). They were AMAZING. I'm telling you, the woman should go into business. As a sidenote, she made the cake for Lindsey's bridal shower 2 years ago, same thing. A blueberry/vanilla chiffon layer cake. Heaven on Earth. For Lu's b-day she made a vanilla bean, a funfetti, and a chocolate and her smash cake was chocolate w/vanilla layers. AMAZING. Her theme was basically bright colors & sock monkeys (which she has taken a liking to lately) and we also had a candy bar, which was a big hit w/the kids & the parents. It was wonderful to have everyone together to celebrate our miracle. I will admit that while everyone was singing "Happy Birthday" to her, I cried. And to make this already book-ish post even longer, here are some pictures =)
I am not a junk food eater. Nor do I usually eat a LOT at any meal. Lately (like in the last 3-4 days) I have been craving JUNK. And not just a little bit, TONS. Like 5-6 tagalong cookies in one sitting. 4 pieces of Donatos pizza (which are small & not normal sized, but STILL), candy, juice, lollipos. WTF? This is crazy and so unlike me. And then, the nausea. Oh my. It's been really bad. And it's not just after I eat the aforementioned junk, it's in the morning when I wake up, it's in the middle of the night. And I've been SO thirsty. I drink all day long, and right now, my new favorite thing is Diet Sparkling Cranberry juice. Yes, it is as good as it sounds. I probably have 3 cans of that a day. I'm on can 3 right now come to think of it. And even though I've been on a steady diet of turkey jerky (so good, & lean!!), Girl Scout Cookies & sweettarts, I seem to have lost some weight. I'm sure that's due to being so friggin stressed and not sleeping. Seriously. I've had to take Val.ium that last 2 nights to even get my brain to shut off so I could sleep at all. So, I said all that to say, any ideas on just wtf is going on? I don't like feeling this way. And to be eating all this junk while on the Glumetza..let's just say my digestive tract is working overtime.
Elaina's First Birthday Party
We had originally planned it for the weekend before her birthday, but we were all SO sick that we had to reschedule. We invited 40-ish people and about 32 showed up. It was CROWDED in our house, but it was full of so much love. The party was amazing..The only down-side was at the last minute (literally 2 hrs before the party) E's dad called & said he & that b*tch he married were "not feeling well" and couldn't make it to his ONLY grandchild's first birthday. E was devastated & so angry. He still is. Which is unsual for him because his dad's wife pulls this shit all the time. I think was the straw that broke the camels back. He teared up. I didn't know what to do. His sister was incredibly upset as well. But we moved on & had the best time. Anytime there are gifts involved for Lulu, she is SO spoiled. She got so much great stuff. And she sent out her thank you notes in a timely fashion. She knows proper etiquette =) My mom made all 4 (3 to eat, one to smash) of her cakes (since no one RSVP'd we had no idea how many people to expect). They were AMAZING. I'm telling you, the woman should go into business. As a sidenote, she made the cake for Lindsey's bridal shower 2 years ago, same thing. A blueberry/vanilla chiffon layer cake. Heaven on Earth. For Lu's b-day she made a vanilla bean, a funfetti, and a chocolate and her smash cake was chocolate w/vanilla layers. AMAZING. Her theme was basically bright colors & sock monkeys (which she has taken a liking to lately) and we also had a candy bar, which was a big hit w/the kids & the parents. It was wonderful to have everyone together to celebrate our miracle. I will admit that while everyone was singing "Happy Birthday" to her, I cried. And to make this already book-ish post even longer, here are some pictures =)
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| 3 Generations on each side |
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| The cakes!! |
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| Our mantle w/the banner made by my mom |
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| "Happy Birthday Dear Elaina.." |
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| I feel like she LOVED the cake |
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| The candy buffett |
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| Grandma & Grandpa w/Us |
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| Nana & Great Grandpa w/Us |
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| The birthday girl |
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| One of my favorites..Love this girl!! |
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| Nana & Elaina |
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| She loved tearing the wrapping paper |
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| Our sweet 1 year old baby girl |
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
What If It's Cancer?
So last May when I was hospitalized for pnuemonia & migraines, I had a CAT scan done to rule out a cerebral bleed or hemorrhage..and for some reason it went low enough that it found a goiter on my thyroid. I went for a thyroid u/s about 2 weeks after I got out of the hospital. I never got the results..then again I never called for them either...So, it hasn't really bothered me, but I've noticed that it was getting really big between Sept-Nov and now it's shrunk back down, to almost not being noticeable. Last Tuesday I went to the ENT for the 5x broken nose that is now giving me horrifying migraines and constant stuffiness & infections..While I was there, Dr. S felt my glands & felt the lump. She asked if I had ever had it checked out..I wimped out & lied & told her no. She immedieatly scheduled me for another thyroid u/s, which was today.
I know that the tech can't tell me what she was seeing, but I know what a healthy, nodular free, thyroid looks like. Mine doesn't seem to have healthy qualities. In fact, there are multiple, pretty large nodes on both sides. I didn't even realize my left side had an issue. I'm sceduled for a needle biopsy on March 6th. A biopsy. A test for cancer. CANCER. I'm terrified. I know it's probably nothing, but it could be something very big. Very scary. Dr. S told me, jokingly, "if you're going to have cancer, it's the one to have. It's the most treatable." Hmm. I guess that's good news?
I just want to be healthy. I just want to have SOMETHING be normal. My fertility is f*cked, my thyroid, apparently going along the same path. Oh, and I was in the ER, for "acute respiratory distress & migraines" Saturday night. My O2 sats were 92, so I was on oxygen & some heavy duty breathing treatments, plus IV steroids & Ativan (<--lovely). I was sent home w/Valium for the migraines (what? I've never heard of this, lol) and 4 days worth of horsey-pill steroids. So, my lungs, are also, f*cked. I just can't take one more thing. And I can't stop thinking worse case scenario thoughts. Who will take care of my daughter? Will my husband be able to do it? Will she remember me? I don't want to have cancer, even if it is treatable. I don't want to miss one second of her life, and going through chemo & radiation makes one so sick. I want to have another baby or two. I don't want my fertility further jeopardized.
I am so scared. I am barely holding it together. My mind will not turn off. And of course, everyone wants to patronize me "people have biopsies all the time", "it will be fine", etc. I know all of this. That doesn't make it any less scary. A biopsy is a test for cancer. Period. Please God, please let the u/s come back that it's just cysts, and if not, please let the biopsy be negative. Let it be treatable. Please, don't let me miss any of my daughter & future children's lives. Please, make my brain shut up.
On a MUCH higher note..My SIL's treatment is finally working!!! She did Fem.ara for CD 3-7, and on CD7 had 2 follicles, the largest at 7cms. She then did three days of injectible Meno.pur and went back and the follicles were only at 11. They then doubled the Meno.pur dose for 3 more days and she went in yesterday and the follies were 18 & 20cms!!! She triggered last night & goes in for her beta on the same day as my biopsy. She said there's no way she can wait 14 days for the test, so she's gonna come down on CD11 or 12 and take the test here, lol. Gotta love bonding over pee sticks. Praying so hard for her & my BIL. I think twins will be on the way in November, right around my b-day.
On our cycle wise, we only bd'd twice this cycle, on CD 10 & CD 22 and ovulated on CD 20. Nice planning. So no November baby for us, unless sperm can live for that long, lol. Dr. J is going to call in Clo.mid for me for the next cycle. I'm not sure what the protocol is, I think it's the same as Fem.ara. U/s on CD 12? He doesn't want me doing the Fem.ara again because of the massive migraines (that I already have issues with) that it caused. But I've heard some not so great things about Clo.mid. DH & I decided that if we have 2 or less follicles we'll do the trigger, if we have 3+ we won't. I'll ovulate anyway, and we don't really want triplets or quads..so that's the plan. Hopefully it works out. I can't take another emotional rollercoaster like last time. We've discussed it over & over & this was the compromise. We're gonna try this until June, and then move onto whatever is next. Injectibles, higher does Clo.mid + trigger? We can only afford 1 cycle on injectibles unless Dr. J gives us free meds like he did SIL. Ugh. Let's just have March be "the" month. Oh, and according to my cycles, if I do conceive next month..My EDD will be 12-12-12. Awesome =)
Okay, that's all. I had to get that out of my head. I do have b-day party pictures, and they will be in my next post. Thanks for listening.
I know that the tech can't tell me what she was seeing, but I know what a healthy, nodular free, thyroid looks like. Mine doesn't seem to have healthy qualities. In fact, there are multiple, pretty large nodes on both sides. I didn't even realize my left side had an issue. I'm sceduled for a needle biopsy on March 6th. A biopsy. A test for cancer. CANCER. I'm terrified. I know it's probably nothing, but it could be something very big. Very scary. Dr. S told me, jokingly, "if you're going to have cancer, it's the one to have. It's the most treatable." Hmm. I guess that's good news?
I just want to be healthy. I just want to have SOMETHING be normal. My fertility is f*cked, my thyroid, apparently going along the same path. Oh, and I was in the ER, for "acute respiratory distress & migraines" Saturday night. My O2 sats were 92, so I was on oxygen & some heavy duty breathing treatments, plus IV steroids & Ativan (<--lovely). I was sent home w/Valium for the migraines (what? I've never heard of this, lol) and 4 days worth of horsey-pill steroids. So, my lungs, are also, f*cked. I just can't take one more thing. And I can't stop thinking worse case scenario thoughts. Who will take care of my daughter? Will my husband be able to do it? Will she remember me? I don't want to have cancer, even if it is treatable. I don't want to miss one second of her life, and going through chemo & radiation makes one so sick. I want to have another baby or two. I don't want my fertility further jeopardized.
I am so scared. I am barely holding it together. My mind will not turn off. And of course, everyone wants to patronize me "people have biopsies all the time", "it will be fine", etc. I know all of this. That doesn't make it any less scary. A biopsy is a test for cancer. Period. Please God, please let the u/s come back that it's just cysts, and if not, please let the biopsy be negative. Let it be treatable. Please, don't let me miss any of my daughter & future children's lives. Please, make my brain shut up.
On a MUCH higher note..My SIL's treatment is finally working!!! She did Fem.ara for CD 3-7, and on CD7 had 2 follicles, the largest at 7cms. She then did three days of injectible Meno.pur and went back and the follicles were only at 11. They then doubled the Meno.pur dose for 3 more days and she went in yesterday and the follies were 18 & 20cms!!! She triggered last night & goes in for her beta on the same day as my biopsy. She said there's no way she can wait 14 days for the test, so she's gonna come down on CD11 or 12 and take the test here, lol. Gotta love bonding over pee sticks. Praying so hard for her & my BIL. I think twins will be on the way in November, right around my b-day.
On our cycle wise, we only bd'd twice this cycle, on CD 10 & CD 22 and ovulated on CD 20. Nice planning. So no November baby for us, unless sperm can live for that long, lol. Dr. J is going to call in Clo.mid for me for the next cycle. I'm not sure what the protocol is, I think it's the same as Fem.ara. U/s on CD 12? He doesn't want me doing the Fem.ara again because of the massive migraines (that I already have issues with) that it caused. But I've heard some not so great things about Clo.mid. DH & I decided that if we have 2 or less follicles we'll do the trigger, if we have 3+ we won't. I'll ovulate anyway, and we don't really want triplets or quads..so that's the plan. Hopefully it works out. I can't take another emotional rollercoaster like last time. We've discussed it over & over & this was the compromise. We're gonna try this until June, and then move onto whatever is next. Injectibles, higher does Clo.mid + trigger? We can only afford 1 cycle on injectibles unless Dr. J gives us free meds like he did SIL. Ugh. Let's just have March be "the" month. Oh, and according to my cycles, if I do conceive next month..My EDD will be 12-12-12. Awesome =)
Okay, that's all. I had to get that out of my head. I do have b-day party pictures, and they will be in my next post. Thanks for listening.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Am I Here Again?
So SIL is starting her first cycle after her surgery w/Dr. J...and it made me jealous. I KNOW. So stupid. What is wrong w/me? But I am so ready to be pregnant again..and the last few months, I've just been down about it. I've been able to push it to the back burner of my brain, but now that we talk about her cycle & the drugs & the possible outcomes, it's right back up front. I am so, SO excited for them. I really think this cycle will be "the one" so I don't ever (unless she asks me) about our cycles, or lack thereof. I am so excited to be an aunt. And I have so many reasons that I think of as to why I want to be pregnant again.
I just feel that I'm kind of back in that place where I'm worried we won't be able to conceive again. Or that I won't be able to carry to term. I feel like I did 2 years ago. I haven't lost all hope. I know there is a lot we can do, and we are only on page one of the game plan Dr. J has for us. But still, I just feel a little depressed. Not like I was 2 years ago, but a little hopeless.
Please don't be mean & remind me that I have a little girl. I know that. Just because I want another baby doesn't mean that I love her any less or that she isn't the most important person (besides her daddy) in my life. I just want to make her a big sister. I want her to have siblings. I love her so much, I can't imagine how hugely that will multiple with more babies in the family.
Okay..I feel a little bit better now that I've got that out of my head. How are all of you? Anyone headed down the ttc#2 road also? Thinking of that, please go FLOOD Christina with love. She finally was able to "come out" on her blog that she found out she was pregnant on NYE and then, at their 8wks appointment, the worst news that the baby's heart would soon stop beating. She had her D&C today and could use all the love we can give her. Thanks
Okay, I promise to be more diligent in writing & thank you for listening.
- I want a "normal" pregnancy. One where my husband isn't gone for 24 weeks, therefore missing most of the pregnancy, the first movement, the u/s etc.
- I want a "normal" delivery. Not an emergency c-section at 35 weeks that results in a baby not breathing & 2 weeks in the NICU. Alone. See the above husband gone part.
- I LOVED being pregnant. Every single part of it. Well maybe not the being scared of m/c part for the first 12 weeks, but other then that. It was magical. A miracle. I loved it.
- I don't want to be an old mom. My mom was 32 when she had me & I was always a "little adult" and I want our kids to get to have young parents.
- I don't want Elaina to be an only child. I hated it. I have no other relatives besides my parents. E & his sister are so close, I want that for our kids.
I just feel that I'm kind of back in that place where I'm worried we won't be able to conceive again. Or that I won't be able to carry to term. I feel like I did 2 years ago. I haven't lost all hope. I know there is a lot we can do, and we are only on page one of the game plan Dr. J has for us. But still, I just feel a little depressed. Not like I was 2 years ago, but a little hopeless.
Please don't be mean & remind me that I have a little girl. I know that. Just because I want another baby doesn't mean that I love her any less or that she isn't the most important person (besides her daddy) in my life. I just want to make her a big sister. I want her to have siblings. I love her so much, I can't imagine how hugely that will multiple with more babies in the family.
Okay..I feel a little bit better now that I've got that out of my head. How are all of you? Anyone headed down the ttc#2 road also? Thinking of that, please go FLOOD Christina with love. She finally was able to "come out" on her blog that she found out she was pregnant on NYE and then, at their 8wks appointment, the worst news that the baby's heart would soon stop beating. She had her D&C today and could use all the love we can give her. Thanks
Okay, I promise to be more diligent in writing & thank you for listening.
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