I Can't Sleep

So I figured, let's blog. I don't know why I can't sleep, I'm exhausted. I think it's anxiety and a little bit of worry. I went back to work yesterday. It was..awkward to say the least. To go back to a place where you've been replaced and a "job" has been created for you? It was just, f-ed up. AND, get this, how about that while I've been gone, the other employees were told that I was aware that I wouldn't be coming back to my job and I AGREED to this!! WTF!? I informed my good friend T, that this was never the case and I never would have agreed to that. Apparently, things have been really slow, so office hours have been cut, but yet the main doctor can afford to hire someone new to do my old job!? WTF? Just let me do it. So I started this new job w/ the medical supply company that he is running, and it was so boring. Seriously. I'm going to be bored out of my gourd. I know, a job is a job in this economy, and it is so flexible, which is the main reason that I went back, but it just doesn't interest me. I'm putting out feelers for jobs that are closer to where we plan on moving this summer, which is also closer to child-care (my parents) and our church. Plus, hello, $57 to fill up my tank (that's 13 gallons). That's a lot of money. And I'll probably be doing that weekly w/all the driving I'll be doing to & from work/home/child-care. Everyone ask me if it was hard leaving Lulu today, and truthfully, it wasn't. Not that I didn't miss her like crazy, which I did, but she was in really good hands and I trust and know my parents. If anything, they'll spoil her too much and she'll get too much attention (if that's possible). I don't have to worry about "strangers" taking care of her. I am really lucky in that sense. The only problem comes in that I think they forget that I am the mama. They didn't make her nap AT ALL, so she was extremely overtired, fought sleep til 11pm, and has been up every 2.5-3hrs tonight when she was on a 4-5hr nighttime schedule. I explained that she needs at least 1, 2hr. nap, and to not just let her cat-nap all day, to just put her in bed and walk away. Nope. Didn't happen. Hmm. We must work on this cause we had a pretty good schedule going. I can't afford to be working and be up til, what time is it, almost 4am because the baby is off her sleep schedule. And then, just as soon as I think I can call and cancel her GI specialist appointment, she starts pulling this only eating 2-2.5 ozs per feeding stuff, another reason she is up so often. Plus, projectile vomitting or spitting up after every bottle, again. So we'll defn. be keeping that appointment. All in all, work was okay. It was nice to know I was earning money (we are so poor) and to be around other adults, but when I walked in the door and Lulu saw me, and broke into the biggest gummy grin I have ever seen, my heart exploded in my chest. She knew who I was. It was amazing & intense. I just love her so much. And I think it's good for us to be apart a couple of times a week, because coming back together is that much more special =)

Easter Sunday

Today we celebrated Christ's resurrection...we also got to dedicate Elaina to her church family. It was amazing and wonderful. Our pastor's wife also had their first child last month, and she was dedicated as well. E's mom, dad & his wife, and his sister & her husband all came. Then, they and my family, got together at my parents house for Easter dinner. It was pretty great. Everyone was social with each other, and things didn't seem as strained as they usually do when his mom & dad are in the same room. And yes, I was cordial to the SIL, and I acted like nothing had ever happened. I wanted to show that I could be the bigger person. Baby E looked so cute in the baptismal gown, and in her Easter dress. It was just a wonderful, family filled day!! Hope you all had a great Easter!!

Things I've Learned

During the first 3 months of being a momma..Cause you know, 3 months makes me an expert =)

• I don't ever want to have a baby in the NICU again. Seriously. That was the scariest 2 weeks of my life..But, I think it made me a better mama. It made me a stronger person, and it bonded me to my baby in a way I can't even explain. 
• The first few weeks are not fun filled, they are TOUGH. The sleep deprivation, no one could have prepared me for it. Getting the hang of breastfeeding, learning her cues, cries, etc, it was no picnic.
• That first smile, it melted my heart. I can't wait for her first laugh.
• Her pain cry kills me. I've only heard it a handful of times (it was AWFUL when she got her shots) but it makes me cry every single time. The other day, I accidentally scratched her w/my ring, omg, I thought I was gonna die, she was crying so hard (and it was no real injury, she was just p-oed).
• Babies really do have different cries for different things, and I thought I'd never learn them. Now, I have to teach DH so he knows what she needs. He thinks everything means "I'm hungry."
• Our gal is opinionated. She loves baths, she hates being cold afterwards. She loves her vibrating froggy chair, she hates her swing, unless she is really tired. It's amazing to see her likes and dislikes when she's only 3 months old. I can't wait to see how she is at 6 months, a year, etc. 
• Having a baby, made me love my husband more. Is that weird? Seeing him as a dad, knowing that we created her, having him fawn all over her, it just makes me fall more in love with him.
• Babies are EXPENSIVE. We are poor now, lol. But it's 100% completely worth it.
• IDK how it is w/boys, but I cannot stop buying her cute stuff (mostly clothes). I've had to reign it in due to the being poor situation, but my goodness, there is a TON of cute girl stuff.
• I never thought I could love someone as much as I love my daughter. That's still surreal, my daughter.
• I have mama-bear instinct when it comes to her. I would do anything to make sure she doesn't get hurt and when people try to tell me how to take care of her or what to do regarding her, the mama-bear comes out.
• These last 3 months have been the hardest of my life...and I would do it all again in a heartbeat. I am so blessed to have this little miracle. So blessed.

The Players

Let me introduce you to the players of this little story..The people you will read about the most..

This is me..Not many pics of me by myself =)

This is DH/E/Evan, he just joined ISP in March 2010

This is our daughter, Elaina Lynn/Lulu/Baby E, born 5 weeks early on 01/27/11

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is Moo-Moo, our other "daughter." A little girl we get to help raise, she is 5.5 years old and an amazing big sis!!

And this is Allison/Allie, our Boxer, who we adopted 2 years ago when she was 9 mos old.

Maundy Thursday

 *Just FYI, this post talks about my faith, Christianity, so if that offends you, bypass this post. But if it offends you and you continue reading, please don't leave hateful comments. You're not going to change my mind on my religion. Thanks!!*


Every year, during Holy Week, my church has a Maundy Thursday dinner & service. The meal is prepared as it was back in Jesus' time..Unleavened bread, no silverware, no napkins, only water to drink (that isn't cold cause they didn't have ice then, yuck). The food served is salmon patties, a veggie plate (carrot sticks, green onions, green peppers, & radishes), cubed cheese, lettuce, honey, unleavened bread and butter. So not the yummiest, but you get the picture..Anyway, tonight really got me thinking about the meaning of this dinner. How intense the feelings that Jesus must have had going through his head. Even though he was/is more then human, he felt human emotions. How awful was it to know that one of his disciples, one of his friends, was going to betray him in the worst way? To know the pain of death that was coming. How terribly painful and drawn out it would be. To know that your Father was forcing this upon you, that you didn't know the people you were dying for, just that it had to be done. How could Jesus even eat? I know that when I get nervous, I can't eat anything. And to be one of his disciples, to actually get to listen to Him speak. I didn't realize this, but Jesus spoke of his death three different times that night, and not one of the disciples believed him. They also didn't understand why they couldn't go where he was going (heaven). I just think it must have been a hard dinner to get through. It just really hit home tonight. A lot of outside stuff doesn't matter when I think about what this weekend really means. I need to let the drama go and focus on what is important. I need to share what Jesus did for us w/my daughter and make sure she understands how amazing it is, and how amazing that love is. Pastor B did a really good message, and we got to see his daughter (Lulu's twin) Maya. It was a good evening..And now, I'm off to bed. I think she's finally fallen asleep.

ICLW Intro

Welcome welcome!! I haven't done ICLW for a few months..and it's time to get back on the horse. It's a great way to find new blogs & meet new friends. Usually, I'm kind of lax at commenting, this time, I'm going to try and return each comment that I get and comment on new blogs as well. DH is currently working 3rd shift, and since I struggle to sleep at night, I'll have a little extra time then. Here goes...

50 Questions (I've done this intro before, but it's fun & it's changed, so read along)

1. Who was your last text from?Melissa, letting me know the details of sweet Caroline's birth and letting me see one of her first pictures!!
2. Where was your profile picture take at? In our backyard last spring..I need to change it since our family has grown by one.
3. Your relationship status? Married on 10-04-08..So 3 years in October
4. Have you ever lost a close friend? Nope..not to death..but to other circumstances, yes
5. What is your current mood? Currently? Tired. The babe has been on an off schedule lately.
6. What are your sibling(s) name(s)? No siblings for me..DH has a sister, also referred to as the “SIL” who I tolerate, but just barely at times.
7. Do you have a job? Yes, I am a medical assistant for 2 chiropractors..I actually start back to work next Tuesday..Gah. I don't want to go.
8. Where do you wish you were right now? In bed. At the beach. In the mountains.
9. Do you have a crazy side? I don't know if it's crazy..but I can be sarcastic, profane, and pissy.
10. Do you have a near death experience? I've had a few..Like getting caught in a riptide, falling off a diving board and hitting the side of the pool, almost bleeding to death from a miscarriage..
11. Something you do a lot?Curse, about an epic f-ton. This blog is filled to the brim w/"bad" words, so if that's not your thing..I'm probably not either.
12. Angry at anyone?The usual suspect..SIL. And not even angry as much as frustrated beyond belief.
13. Are you in a relationship?Obviously, since I'm married.
14. When was the last time you cried?Yesterday when I got the stats on Melissa baby. I am so excited for her, oh and when I heard Darrius Rucker's "It Won't Be Like This For Long." Love that song, used to sing it to babygirl when she was in-utero.
15. Is there anyone you would do anything for? My daughter, my husband, my parents, our Moo
16. What do you think about when you are falling asleep? I usually don't think of anything. I have perfected the falling asleep ASAP cause who knows how long it will last.
17. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? DH =)
18. What is your favorite song? As previously mentioned, Darrius Rucker, and How Great Thou Art (hymn) 
19. What are you doing right now? Typing this intro and listening to the baby start to stir
20. Do you trust anyone? My husband, my mom, myself (this one has taken years, and the baby to perfect, the mom intuition is crazy).
21. Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?My robe, Walmart, my jammies & slippers, Target
22. Who is the friend that lives closest to you? K & my momma
23. Describe your life in one word: Blessed
24. Who are you thinking of right now?The baby, and DH, he was involved in a police action shooting last night..He's fine, thank God, but it just makes how easily things could go bad that much clearer.
25. What should you be doing right now? SLEEPING while the baby sleeps.
26. What are you listening to? Nothing really, I can hear the birds starting to wake up, the geese honking and the other morning noises.
27. Who was the last person that gave you a hug? My husband
28. Who was the last person that yelled at you? No one has really yelled at me. DH & I had word the other day, but there was only "slightly raised voices" no yelling, and it's all good now =)
29. Do you act differently around your friends? Not really..What's the point of having them as friends if you have to change who you are when you are around them?
30. What is your natural hair color?Uh, brown? I've been coloring it since I was 12, right now, it's the closest to "natural" that it's ever been, and it's a brown-red color.
31. Who was the last person to make you laugh really hard? Again, DH, his sense of humor is the raddest. We just really fit well together.
32. Who was the last person to make you sad or pissed? The in-laws.
33. What do you hear? The baby cooing to herself and the birds singing outside, oh and DH sawing longs, he just got home from work.
34. Is your hair curly or straight? It's pretty straight, and the longest it's ever been =)
35. Has anyone called you "scrumptious" before? Mhmm..yes sir.
36. Do you have a "best friend?" Is it bad to say DH is my "best friend?" He really is.
37. Do you use smiley faces on the computer? Yes. Too much I'm sure.
38. Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle? Who hasn't done this? I remember having to change whenever we went swimming when I was a kid. Duh.
39. Are you happy w/life right now?Yep. I never dreamed we'd actually be blessed w/a real live baby, then after her scary start in the NICU, it's amazing to see how far she's come..She's 12 weeks old today!!
40. Are you currently jealous? All the time. I mentioned this yesterday, but jealousy is a monster that I don't think will ever leave me. I think it just stems from all of the IF/RPL crap we've had to go through.
41. What jewelry are you currently wearing?Wedding band, engagement ring, right hand diamond ring, earrings, cartilage piercing earring
42. What were you doing Friday night? Trying to sleep. I've had pneumonia for almost a week now.
43. Have you ever had your heart broken? Yep..but it's all healed up now =)
44. Have you ever broken anyone's heart? Yeah..and that was tough. Not a fan.
45. Is there anybody you are really disappointed in right now? Yep, and there's not a whole lot I can do about it. I can only control my actions, but sometimes, I wish I could control others.
46. What was the last reason you went to the doctor for? Pneumonia and a check up on my migraine meds
47. How late did you stay up last night & why?Midnight, last feeding for the baby and I just can seem to fall asleep any earlier while DH is working 3rds.
48. Where are you right now? In the kitchen, at my desk & "workspace."
49. How old are you? The big 2-8.
50. What is your TTC status? Right now, we aren't actively TTC since we just had Lulu 12 weeks ago. I haven't started ovulating or cycling yet, so we aren't exactly "preventing" either. I know, playing w/fire on that one, but I don't see myself magically getting pregnant w/everything we've had to go through. We plan on getting back on the TTC train after the summer is over, we want the babies close (because, like I said, baby #1 took almost 2 years to get to) but not so close that we have 2 in diapers, 2 not sleeping through the night, 2 in college, etc.

The Good, Bad, & the Ugly

The Good

• Lulu was such a character today. She was "talking" and squawking all day long..She is so funny. I just enjoy her more and more everyday. She does "the smirk" right before she breaks out into a gummy grin, I'll have to see if I can get a pic of it so you guys can see, it's pretty darn cute. 
• Melissa over at So It Goes had baby Caroline today!! I got to be the official "announcer" on her blog, so go visit and leave congrats!!
• We took Lulu to see Dr. S because her eating habits have changed dramatically over the last week or so. She has gone back to eating every 2-3 hours, and only have 1-2 4oz feedings a day. I am exhausted. She seems fine, but she shouldn't be going backwards. Because of her other issues (reflux/vomiting) she is scheduled to see the pediatric GI specialist next month, and Dr. S said "she looks like the Gerber baby." She weighed in at 12lbs. 10oz and was 24ins. She has no lung issues (which is good since she's been exposed to bronchitis & pneumonia in the last 2 weeks courtesy of her momma) and her ears/nose/throat looked good as well. He said, as far as he is concerned, there is nothing more he can do right now, besides reassuring me that she looks good & healthy and that the specialists will have more to tell us. For now, we are to keep feeding her when she is hungry and try to make her go as long as she can, but obviously, not withhold food. So basically, she's doing good.
• I've held my ground w/the SIL. She keeps pushing, and I've pushed back, but in a NICE, but dammit I'm this baby's momma, type of way. She better watch herself. When the momma bear instinct comes out, she comes out swinging. And DH is FINALLY backing me up and seeing how crazazazy she is. I told him today that I'm not even mad anymore, I just think she needs to be committed. He just laughed..because he knows it's the truth. 
• I've lost more weight, woot. The PPD/anxiety about being poor and going back to work and having crazy in-laws diet is really working out for me.

The Bad

• I'm still sick. I still have the chest congestion and I'm still wheezing. I am allergic to the antibiotics I was given last week (maybe the doctor should have SEEN that note on my chart?!) so I haven't taken them since last Saturday. I just still feel really run down and my allergies are going haywire.
• We've had torrential downpours here the last few days and our ceiling is leaking/cracked..and the maintenance people just don't know what to do. We are on the FIRST FLOOR, maybe check our upstairs neighbors?! I am so f-in ready to move out of this place. It's unbelievable.
• I still haven't cycled (I don't think). I'm not sure what the whole pseudo-period was in March, but there's be not a single hello from AF. I keep thinking I'm having PMS symptoms (tingly boo.bs, cramps, mood swings) and then, nothing. Could this still be hormones from pregnancy? I'm 12 weeks PP tomorrow,  I figured things would be in order. My PCP said we won't get concerned until after the summer (which is when we *might* start TTC again) if I haven't had any regular cycles. The bad part is, IDK what my new cycles are. I had back to back cycles last March & April (30 days) and then surgery in April, and then a 53 day cycle after then, and then in June, we got pregnant. So I'm not sure what my new normal is. Ahh, I don't really miss my period, it would just be nice to know when/if I'm o'ing. 
• I'm drinking way to many carbonated beverages. They're just so good, and since I didn't have any caffeine during my pregnancy, I think I'm catching up now. Ugh. Must. Stop. Soon.

The Ugly

• My skin, currently. I believe due to all the excess hormones. DH says I look good, and I think I'm just being critical, but I'm all shiny and ridiculous. Plus, I don't have time to shower every day, let alone wash my face every night. Hopefully, this too shall pass.
• Indiana has bipolar weather. Yesterday, it was 75 & stormy. Today, 40 and cold. It just stinks. Lulu has some super cute spring/summer outfits I'm just dying to get out, and we keep having to put her back into her winter stuff. Go away winter!! Plus, it's kicking my allergic ass. 
• I am still *super* jealous of people who can just LOOK at each other and get pregnant. I know. I am very happy for what I have, but I think, after all we went through to get our girl, I will always feel this way. An ex-coworker an her DH started talking about having another baby 2 weeks ago, she got her positive TODAY. Good heavens. Jealousy is an ugly monster, one I don't think I'll ever be able to rid myself of.
• We are broke as a joke. Seriously. It's almost laughable how broke we are. That said, I am going back to work next week instead of in 2 weeks as planned. Yes, I'm only working 2-3 days a week, but any extra money at this point is needed. No, my Aflac STILL hasn't come through and my boss, who owes me $1700 still hasn't paid me. So, back to work I must go. This makes me SO anxious. Ugh. Oh well, at least I know she'll be in good hands during the day (grandma has offered to watch her!!) 
• SIL drama. It's just bad news. She's a moron. That is all.

Okay, off to feed the babe and hopefully get some sleep!!

PS: For some reason, I get very itchy to change things around in come springtime..including but not limited to my blog..So if the background/font/colors change every day..Please bear with me..=)

Spring Has Sprung!!

Instead of bitching more about the SIL, which I really, *really* want too, because she is heinous, I thought I'd post some pics of our gals little photo shoot that she had w/grandma this weekend..Take a peek..Oh, also, head over to and wish Melissa some quick and easy labor vibes as she is induced tomorrow!!

The model after her photo shoot, she was very sleepy

Her quilt made by her Great Aunt Bev

And another quilt made by her great, great Aunt Elsie,

Big smile!!

Grandma's Baptismal Gown-59 years old, she will be christened in this Sunday

I love this girl

She loves this pink blankie

See how long & big my preemie baby is getting?!

Notice, RED HAIR!! I am *so* excited!!!

So Angry

I'm so angry I could just spit!! Why does the SIL always have to start drama?! I can't stand her and I am about to go off. I have kept my mouth shut long enough. I just can't do this anymore. I wish she would just keep to herself and stop constantly trying to start shit!! UGH. Get a fucking life. I just want to smack her. I want my husband to stand up to her, cause please believe, one more thing, one more time of her telling me how to raise my daughter or her telling other people that I'm doing it wrong, and I will. I will be the one that tells her how ungodly inappropriate she is and how I will NOT stand for it any more. I just had to get that out before I screamed. More details later. GAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

Not The Best Weekend

• Pneumonia...that's the newest dx, it's no fun
• ER visit yesterday resulting from a fever/vomiting/migraine, it was also not big fun
• Lulu spending the night w/my parents because the meds they gave me @ the hospital made me unable to care for her, I'm lucky to have family so close.
• DH couldn't take care of her because, OF COURSE, I had an ER visit on the day/night he starts 3rd shift, when he has to work from 10pm-6:30am, so he had to sleep. Again, I'm very lucky my parents are so nearby.
• I'm feeling a little better today, still having a lot of chest congestion & nasal congestion, but the migraine is basically gone and the cough is under control. I barely remember most of yesterday and I'm not a fan of that.
• I'm getting ready to go get the babe and spend the night @ mom & dad's. My body is obviously saying, "hey, you need to get better" and the only way to do that is to accept help w/the gal. They wanted to keep her another night, but I can't be away from her that long. My heart hurts when she isn't here. I miss her too much. 
•  I cannot wait until DH's FTO is over. His schedule is all over the place because he has all different FTO's on all different schedules. He's supposed to do 3rd's for 4 weeks, but his FTO's wife is 39 weeks PG, and he is taking 2 weeks off when she has the baby, so he'll be w/someone else who may or may not be on 3rd. Ugh. June 20 can't come fast enough. 
• Okay, that's all for now. A better update w/pictures later.

A Question & An Update

First, the question..My friend C, who's son died just 10 days ago, after only 25 days of life, seems to not be grieving. I know, everyone grieves differently, but she seems to not be doing it at all. I know that he had congenital heart defects, and only had a 50/50 chance of survival after surgery, but still. This was her child, that she carried for 38 weeks, her son. Doesn't one grieve regardless of how hard of a start at life? Lulu was born not breathing, and was resuscitated in the OR, she stopped breathing once in my arms in the NICU, had the worst happened, devastation would not even begin to described how I would feel. How I would still be feeling. How I think any parent feels when loosing a child, no matter what the age. So the question is, do I ask her, how she is doing? Does it matter in the grand scheme of things if she is grieving? Is there a way to ask this question? Or do I just go about my business, continue telling her I'm glad it seems like she is doing so well, and that if she needs anything to just call me? I'm just at a loss. I don't know what to do.

A short & sweet update..In bullets, of course..

• Miss E will be 11 weeks old tomorrow..Uh, where has the time gone? This means she is almost 3 months old, time is not supposed to be flying like this. She is getting so big so fast, I just can't believe her EDD was just over a month ago, that technically she's only 6 weeks old. That I have to go back to work soon. Her time in the NICU is kind of a blur now. Those first 4 weeks, w/E still in the academy, getting the hang of breastfeeding, being up every 90mins-2hrs. I thought it would never get better. It has, in spades. I would do all of it again in a heartbeat..Well maybe skipping the NICU part, but if it meant being the mother to this amazing girl, then I'd do it.
• My appetite is still wacky...and I don't mind too much. But I seem to be waaay overeating when I do eat my one meal a day, and mostly, it's crap. But I have started cooking again because I don't want to gain my weight back. I'd like to stay this low to be at a healthy weight for the next pregnancy. I really don't want to have to go back on the met.formin, the side effects of that were awful. 
• The PPD seems to (finally) be abating. I still had my sad/anxious moments, but nothing like what it was. Pro.zac is fantastic. Oh, and did I mention I had bronchitis last week? Well I did, I still have a really bad lingering cough, in fact, I'm gonna call my PCP tomorrow to see what to do about it. But anyway, she started me on Topa.max for my migraines and it seems to be helpings. I was having one a day for a week. I'm supposed to up my dose next week. I take them at night, because one of the side effects is nausea, and I don't do barfing, as you well know. I've also started taking folic acid again and glucosamine chondrontine (for my bad knees). Can't hurt. I guess I'm also supposed to continue taking my prenatal vitamin? But since we aren't "actively" trying..and I'm obviously not ovulating, I don't think it's necessary. As soon as there is activity in my uterus again, I'll start them right up.
• Miss E seems to be hitting her milestones. She's holding her head up almost by herself, she absolutely hates tummy time (mostly because it makes her barf) so she usually does it laying on me, she loves to sit up supported by the Boppy her being held under her arms on my lap, she smiles all the time at her daddy, and she smirks at me, we haven't heard her laugh yet, she "talks" constantly, she is feisty, she moved up to 5oz of formula/cereal tonight, she is gaining weight and growing out of her clothes. I'll post pics soon.

Okay, thats all for now. She'll be up for her 12am feeding soon. Love you all!!

The Space Between

It's taken me a couple days to do this post because I didn't really know how I felt about it. I still don't. And I don't want those who read me who are TTC to think badly of me..but here goes..

Last month I had what I thought was AF on 03/10. It lasted 4 days, it was medium flow, and I hadn't had any other bleeding for over 2 weeks. So I was expecting AF over the weekend. Friday, nothing, Saturday, nothing, Monday nothing..So..I had to test. And there I was. Smack in the place I had been 100x before. Worried. Scared. Unsure. I figured after having 6 positives w/baby girl and having a healthy and happy baby, that POAS would be no big deal. It was. And then, the outcome. Did I want to be PG this soon after having her? Would it be a relief if I wasn't? How would I tell work if I came back from maternity leave pregnant? If I'm not PG, and AF hadn't started, then I was I back on my whack-a-doo cycles? Turns out..there won't be any Irish twins for us. It was a BFN. And it didn't hurt any less then the many before it. It was weird because a small part of me wanted and hoped I was pregnant just that simply again. That in the 2x we have "colored" since she was born, we magically got "oops" pregnant. In what world would that ever happen? A part of me breathed a sigh of relief because I want to experience everything w/Lulu w/o the fear of miscarriage, morning sickness, etc. But would I take another pregnancy right now? Yes. Of course I would. Do I want our babies that close together? Not really, but are we really preventing? Not really. Do I think it's gonna happen easily? Nope. So apparently, my cycles haven't regulated. I'm trying not to get too worked up about this because I'm only 10.5 weeks postpartum, but if they don't get it together by next month, I'm gonna call Dr. F. We'll see what he has to say. This is a weird place to be back at. I didn't think I'd want to be pregnant again this soon. I figured after seeing the BFN, that I'd breathe a huge sigh of relief and move on. It's been hard. I've dug the test out of the trash twice just to double check. I guess old habits die hard? I hope this isn't an omen of things to come when we really are TTC, but I think it is. But I really am enjoying our daughter. She has really come alive the last few days. She is hilarious. She just cracks us up. She is interacting more, and has become very, very clingy, which I love 99% of the time. Seriously. My back aches from holding her all day, but this is what I begged God for. I'll get to the laundry/house/ other crap when I can. For now, it's all about my daughter. My daughter. How amazing to get to say that. Every day. For the rest of my life. My daughter. I love her more then I ever thought possible. One day I know I will get to say my daughter is going to be a big sister..Until then, I'm going to go enjoy every minute of it just being her, because really, that IS enough.

Happy, Crazy

Things that make me Happy:

• Our birth announcements are FINALLY done..Yep, she's 10 weeks old, but dammit, we've been busy. They're super cute though =)
• Weather that is warm enough for onesies w/o pants..I love little babies in onesies w/no pants where you can see their baby fat legs and little toes..It's even more adorable when it's your own baby
• Painting Lulu's toenails..I know..But she hasn't figured out how to get her toes in her mouth yet, so it's okay, and the sparkly Easter egg blue polish was too cute to say no to. Even DH says it's cute
• Being 10 weeks postpartum, and weighing less then I did before I got pregnant. Woot.
• Spring..I'm usually only a big fan of Fall, but winter has lasted SO long around here, that I can't wait for warmer weather, plus, Miss E has such cute clothes to wear, especially her Easter dress.
• All of the sudden, Baby E preferring me. I know, it's bad, but it's pretty awesome when just the site of me or my voice can make her stop crying, and hearing me or laying in my arms or on my chest soothes her. That's pretty much the coolest thing.
• My mom getting home this Sunday. She's been gone for about 10 days, and I have really missed her.
• Finding this new blog background, and finding out it's name..is Lulu =)

Things that make me Crazy:

• Baby E still having massive digestive issues, and then DH making it worse by SHAKING up her bottles before giving them to her because he wanted to make sure all the cereal/formula was dissolved. UGH. WTH? I know he was just trying to help, but he didn't get projectile vomited on because of all of the air bubbles. I know how to make the bottles. His only job was to warm them up. Gah.
• People that get "oops" pregnant or can get pregnant on the first try. I know, we have a live, healthy wonderful baby. I'm still jealous, and probably always will be of people who just turn up pregnant. Like the one doctor I work with. She is one of "those " pregnant women and I am NOT looking forward to working with her. She complains about EVERYTHING, and doesn't realize how lucky she is that not only is she of advanced maternal age, but she had absolutely NO issues getting and staying pregnant. Must be nice. And yep, I will always be jealous.
• Concern about our next pregnancy. I know E is just 10wks old, but I am already thinking about #2. Not that I want to take anything away from Lulu, but I have this sinking suspicion that it is not gonna be as easy as Dr. F thinks it's gonna be to get pregnant again. I'm concerned about scar tissues and adhesions from the c-section and that it's gonna take surgery to correct things. I really do everything is as easy as he says it's gonna be, but I've just got this feeling. 
• Money. We're low on it. My Aflac still hasn't come through and I don't think it's going to. I'm going to report my agent to the Better Business Bureau as well as Aflac though because of this because they still owe me for 6 more weeks of pay and we need that money. I luckily got my last bonus from work, but it wasn't very much. So I really need to go back. Those 2-3 days a week will make all the difference, hopefully. But right now, money is very, VERY tight. 

Okay, that's all for now. This entry took me 2 days to write, lol. Guess that's life now. I started last night, and baby E was up til 1am, silly girl, but slept in til 11am (and got up only 3x). It's rainy and stormy here today, a great day to stay in jammies, so thats the plan. Have a great weekend =)

Mom-Dar

I didn't realize how strong it could be until today. Baby E is still having issues w/her throwing up/spitting up as mentioned in previous posts. She saw Dr. S yesterday for a check-up on the cereal & Prilo.sec. She was still taking 4ozs & sleeping 3.5-4hrs between feedings at night, but during the day, was still massively spitting up or vomiting, and it wasn't just reflux, because it was happening 2hrs after she ate. So he told us to do her Prilo.sec 2x a day instead of once and to let him know how things were going in 2 weeks. If they didn't get better, we'd be referred to a specialist. Oh, she's gaining weight, no problem. At her 2 month well baby check up, 11 days ago, she weighed in at 10lbs 6oz. Yesterday...She was 11lbs. 14oz. OMG!! He said that was good, and that for a preemie, she is doing really well. She's doing pretty good on her developmental milestones as well. In the last few days, she's got REALLY good at holding her head up. She *hates* tummy time because it usually makes her throw up, so we don't do it very often. But she loves to lay on her back and do her octopus arms as we call them. She also loves baths, and loves being naked (until she gets cold). So fast forward to last night. She took her last "day" bottle (4oz) at 8pm, went to bed, and slept until 12:15am. From 12:15am through all of today, she would only take 2ozs of formula, and I had to fight her to get her to take that much. She threw her head back, moved from side to side, arched her back, choked herself on the nipple, and threw up. It was awful. We were both in tears on more then once today. She had to eat. She was so hungry. But she wouldn't go past 2oz. I tried all of our different bottles, nipples, warmed up, room temperature, nothing helped. 2oz was her max. Then, she slept almost all day. And not just cat napped. 45mins to an hour after each feeding. She just wasn't herself. And I knew it. I know something is not right. I called Dr. S and he told us that she needs to see a specialist ASAP. That she shouldn't be going backwards in regards to formula. He's afraid there might be some kind of blockage. So, first thing tomorrow morning he is going to call the GI specialist and hopefully we can get in before the weekend. I can't keep going on 2 hours (or less) of sleep. She, miraculously, took 4ozs at 9pm and has been asleep since. So hopefully this trend continues through the night. I hope that the specialist can figure out what is wrong. It can't be comfortable to barf up parts of every meal. I want my happy baby back. Oh, and I want to be able to get dressed w/o having to change 5x a days. I'll keep you updated.

PS: Oh yeah, I have bronchitis. So that's been a good time as well. Hopefully, Lulu doesn't get that as well. 

Prayers Requested

Today, at 10:42AM, my friends C&Z's son died peacefully in his mothers arms. He was 25 days old. He was born w/congenital heart defects, and underwent open heart surgery at 4 days old. He had good days and bad days and finally, lost his fight. I don't know what to do, what to say, I just know that tonight, I will hold Baby E as long as she wants, and I will not get upset when she cries, and I will cry for C & Z and their daughter M. Please, lift the whole family up in your thoughts and prayers.

Today Was A Tough One

Baby E had her first bout w/"illness." As you know, she has issues w/spitting up/vomitting. They were really bad last night, she was eating about ever 3 hours, and at about the 2 hr. mark, she would vomit about 2oz (of the 4oz) that she had eaten. I offered her another bottle early, and she refused. By 9am, she was eating every 2 hours and vomiting at least half of her bottles up. It continued that way until her last "day" bottle at 6pm. She has kept down her 6pm & 9pm bottles. Well, the majority of them. Not the excessive spitting up/vomiting she was doing. She also had a low grade fever (99) and I gave her just a tad of infant tylenol because nothing else was helping. She went on quite the crying jag from 3pm-9pm. So that was a good time. She is also boycotting naps, which I don't understand at all. She was taking 2-3 naps a day, averaging about 2hrs per nap time. I know their sleeping during the day tapers off as they grow, but I figured she would still have at least 1 longish nap during the day. Nope, nada, nothing. She is taking about 3 "catnaps" which are averaging about 20 minutes each, in turn, making her more crabby. I don't know what to do. We can't seem to get on a "schedule" except at night, and she is usually in bed by 9pm. Otherwise, we just wing it during the day.

I'm really nervous about the whole spitting up/vomiting thing, because tomorrow, I have to call her pediatrician and he is going to refer her to a GI specialist. Of course, thinking worst case scenario, she'll have something major wrong and need some kind of surgery. Ugh. I know, it's probably something simple, like GERD (as if that's simple) but I just have this feeling. She's already been on 2 prescriptions, taking cereal w/her bottles, and I just don't know what else to do. I'm just concerned, as usual.

I'm supposed to go back to work in 3 weeks or so. I don't think I've talked about this much on here, but I've basically been replaced. It's illegal and I'm meeting w/my boss sometime next week to discuss what my next steps will be. I have done nothing but good at that place, and they treated me badly. There are some major things that have changed, that I don't agree with and my boss is doing some things that could really get the whole clinic in trouble. At this point, I *may* go back, 2 days a week, until I find something else, or I may not go back (there) at all. It just depends on how my meeting goes next week. As a side note, I've been trying to set up this meeting for TWO weeks. Yep. Because avoiding a bad situation apparently makes it go away. Not. Oh, also, on the work front, I have Aflac insurance. They were supposed to pay me for my full 12 weeks off, they've paid for 6. And are now giving us the runaround about giving me my money. So I'm dealing with that too. Ugh. Stuff just sometimes all sucks at once.

Okay, off to watch our new favorite show, Tosh.0. Hilarious. And hope the babe stays asleep. We'll see.

Update & Picture Post

Sorry for the lag between posts. I just can't seem to catch up on anything. Housework, sleep, blogging, sleep, you see the pattern. The anxiety has still be extremely high, in fact, I saw Dr. F for a check-up on the Proz.ac yesterday (which seems to have curbed the all day crying jags) but the anxiety is such that I can't sleep. So he prescribed Xan.ax (which I've had before) and it seemed to help when I took it before bed last night. So here's an update in bulleted formation, and then, pictures =)

• Lulu had her 2 month well baby visit last Friday. She weighed in at..drumroll please..10lbs 6oz. 21.5inches long. She's getting so big. Finally fitting into her 0-3 month clothes, and she has completely outgrown all of her newborn and preemie clothes. I had to shed a little tear as I put them in her memory box. Along w/all of the leftover newborn and preemie diapers. She has officially moved into the size 1-2 diapers. Can you believe that?! We can't. She is growing like a weed. Dr. S was really impressed w/her weight gain. 
• She is/was still having massive spitting up/vomitting issues. She's had a few episodes where she projectile vomitted, literally, her entire 4oz of formula. It was bad. Plus, she's had some "loose stools" so then she is hungry about an hour after she eats. So we were almost back to eating around the clock. She also was still getting up about 2-2.5 hours a night, so I was exhausted. Dr. S told us to start Prilo.sec and cereal to her bottles, and that seems to have helped. Especially at night. She now goes 3-4hrs between feedings, letting me get about 3hrs of sleep at a time. It really does make a HUGE difference. She's much more enjoyable when we've both had sleep.
• She still fights sleep like a Jedi knight. Seriously. Like it's her full time job. Right now she is sitting in her froggy chair and should be napping. Nope. Nada. She's having none of that. She's had two 20 minute catnaps this morning, and it just seems to make her crabby. I know when I can't sleep at least an hour, I just don't sleep, cause I get crabby too. She must take after her momma in that way. I also think she is going through another growth spurt because she has been insanley clingy. She only wants momma to hold her and she doesn't like to be put down. The other day, we had a scream fest from 10:30am-4:30pm. That was a fun day. I try not to hold her all the time, but it's hard, and all the literature I've read said at this point, you can't spoil them, so hold away. So, I do =)
• It's hard to remember that technically, she's only just over 4 weeks old, according to her adjusted age, which Dr. S said we will base things on til she's 24 months old. So really, she's advanced=) She gave me her first real smile yesterday when I went in and got her from her nap, and this morning I got a smirk then a full, gummy smile. Did I tear up? Yep. It was wonderful. She really is a joy. She cracks us up, she's doing well for her premature self, and seriously, I can't wait to have another one. I KNOW. Stop me now. I think I may add a TTC counter to the side, not because we are, but because I want to track my ovulation. We'll see how it goes. 
• When it comes to TTC, I really don't want to have babies back to back, neither does DH (as if we have a choice, lol). Dr. F told me that we don't need to chart or do any of that stuff, to just "let loose" and he thinks things will go as they need to due to there being very little scar tissue in my uterus and having everything cleared out from the surgery last April. I hope he's right. I'm already terrified of having another m/c or having to go another 2 years on the RPL/IF rollercoaster. I also think Dr. F jinxed us. I asked about the risk of another m/c and he said the first time I get PG after having Lulu may result in a m/c. Why would he say that?!?! Me, worse case scenario barbie, ugh. Now I worry. Whatever. I'm borrowing worry. I don't need to do that. We're not even close to that point yet. Oh, and we colored for the first time since the babe last night. TMI? Yep. Was it AMAZING? Yep =) 
• DH loves, LOVES his job. He is the absolute happiest I have ever seen him. He makes a great cop and he has done so much already. He got the best district possible, which has the most "business" and he has great stories to tell me every day. I love hearing him talk about it because he is so happy and is doing what he loves. As much as I complain about him not helping me very much (which is still the truth) he loves our daughter fiercely and without constraint. He's a great dad, as I knew he would be. 
• Moo & Lulu met each other for the first time last weekend. I just cried. It was amazing. It was love at first site for Moo-Moo. She takes being a big sister (which she has called herself since last summer) very seriously. There are not usually very many times that I wish she was ours, not because I don't love her like my daughter, but because she has such a wonderful life w/her mamaw & papaw. In that moment, I wished she was. I want to be selfish and not send her home. She is amazing. She deserves this. She deserves young parents who can play with her and be with her and love her. And then, I remember, God gave her her family, and they are allowing us to be a part of her life, and I could not ask for more. Lulu is so lucky to get to have her as a big sister. I feel that the bond they share will be that of "real" sisters. Moo thinks we need to have 2 more babies so there are "are 4 kids in our family". I just love her. She loves Lulu like they are biologically related, and what else did I think would happen? She is jealous, but she is the protector. She stands in the way of strangers trying to look at or touch the baby. It is heartwarming and hilarious. We really are blessed. 
• Now..Pictures? We've got em=) 

A sure sign of Spring..The purple hyacinths (my most favorite flower of all time) are blooming..

Another sure sign of Spring in Indiana? Bipolar weather..Yep this is snow, and we got about 1.5 inches yesterday. Gah.

DH's 26th Birthday..With, as he said, the best present ever..Awww

 

Miss Lulu on St. Patricks Day..My little lucky charm 

Guess where she sleeps now? Her big girl bed..In her froggy chair =)

Notice the Mohawk..We love it..She actually has a "Mohullet" Mohawk in the front, mullet in the back. 

Love. Absolute & unconditional. 

She loves to play any kind of game now. Here she is whooping E in tic-tac-toe.

                                 

Notice what Allie has? Jealous much? And no, we did NOT give this back to Lulu.

 

My parents ADORE baby Bear. Adore. They just lay or sit and look at her. I caught it on film =)

And finally..My 5 week, tiny preemie, is now my 9 week old, 10lb baby. Love, pure and simple.