Almost 2009

I was gonna make this my "year in review" post, but I'll do that after midnight...Right now, we are breaking open our popcorn maker we got for our wedding, watching Jeff Dunham (absolutely hilarious) and then playing PS3 til the ball drops. Hopefully we'll make it to midnight (we get tired so early, it's like we're 80, lol) Oh, and Im eventually making steaks w/onions and mushrooms w/potatoes..then some pink champagne and Mikes Hard. It'll be a good night. Have a safe and happy NYE!!!

It's A Girl!!

Announcing...

Grace Lee
Born: 12-26-08
9lbs. 8oz. 22in.
2:30pm
Ball Memorial Hospital
The delay in the annoucement: My aunt & uncle could NOT agree on a name. He wanted Maisie (rhymes with Daisy) and she wanted Noelle (a Christmas baby). They JUST named her today because they were being released. I've heard she is chubby and has a full head of hair. We'll probably go visit next weekend.

This is my aunt and uncle that I refer to back in June who are not the greatest parents and the same one that was out to here pregnant on Christmas Eve. Her original EDD was 01-09-09, and they induced because A) they wanted the money for taxes (their words, not mine) and B) she was already HUGE. She wouldn't been well over 10lbs if she went naturally. Labor was only 7 hours long and 2 pushes. This is baby #3 so Im sure that helped, because she was in labor for over 20 hours with the other two, plus the first, Wil, had shoulder dystocia, and their 1st daughter, Emma had a collapsed lung, so she was really suprised when they just immedietly put her up on her stomach and she got to keep her. So we are thankful it was a healthy baby and easy delivery (even though that little green jealousy monster is in the back of my head). It does give me hope though because this aunt & uncle had a LOT of trouble conceiving. They tried for 8 years and conceived her first when she was 35, 2nd at 37, and 3rd at 39. So it gives me hope that it can happen..Anyway, thats all for now. I have to get back to doing some "real" work:)

Shopping always helps

So our Moo is here, she just brightens up my world. I can't be in my depressed sadness place when she is here. She literally is like a daughter to us. So we went shopping today..It was fantastic!! The deals are so good. We got probably $200 worth of clothes and Christmas decorations for $54. It was really good. Kohls is my favorite store. I think my family kept them in business this Christmas. They are constantly having a sale. So she is now down for a nap, and then we are headed to E's dad's house for Christmas w/them. Should be a great big ol time. Oh and the bleeding finally stopped and we finally had some post-Christmas lovin. Thank goodness, I was about to loose my mind. It's a really nice day here, over 60 degrees, which is insane seeing as we had an ICE storm earlier this week!! Indiana weather is terrible. I am so ready to move south, where's it's 60 degrees all the time in the winter. And I don't know about you, but after a rain storm near the beach, you can smell the ocean, and thats how it smelled here today. I could almost hear the waves. Im so ready to there. Hopefully E gets the time off in June. Okay, thats all for now, I feel like this post is really scattered. Oh well. Oh and Im doing terribley w/the ICLW this month, I will get back to everyone who commented to me, and read some new blogs, I will for sure do better next month.

Finally

I think Im finally starting to feel better..The only lingering problem is (well besides the no longer being pregnant part) the almost constant headaches. I don't know if it's hormonal or what, but they are making me crazy. I've had one almost every day since the m/c. Oh well, if thats the worst of it, then okay.

I think Im feeling more like myself today then I have in a week. I actually want to go out & do something. We are going to Moo at preschool in about 20 minutes and she is staying with us until Monday morning. We have to do Christmas w/E's dad tomorrow, which will be just tons of fun. Oh, please tell me why I found out some info. about his step-sister, which is really disturbing, and how now E's dad and step-mom are having to pay for their grandaughters Christmas because the parents are addicted to drugs they say they are taking for "back pain." In fact, this medication is used to treat addictions to heroine & cocaine, so E's dad & step-mom are either really naive or they don't care what is going on. It's just a sad situation, and as usual, the kids in that family are paying the price. So tomorrow should be interesting. I can always tell that E's dad has tried to get everyone to be a blended family, but his wife & her 3 daughters are SO resistant. I just don't understand. I mean I know everyone is an adult, but at the same time, they should ACT LIKE adults. E & his sis do try their hardest, but E's dad's wife makes it IMPOSSIBLE. Ugh. Divorce is just ugly.

Okay, I have way more, but we are leaving to get Moo. So more tonight:)

TMI, but there it is

I must vent just real fast. My husband and I haven't had sex since the LAST Thursday!! I haven't really been in the mood (due to the m/c) since last Friday until yesterday and SO much today!!! OMG!!! And I understand why he doesn't want to, but Im about to LOOSE it!! Im still bleeding (7 days, how long do m/c last? The same as a regular period? or longer) and I just want some sex SO bad. I know, what a great Christmas post..Oh well, I just had to vent a little sexual frustration. Maybe thats why I've been staying up so late, cause everytime I get in bed, Iwant to get some. Grr!!! Okay, I must try to get some sleep since we have the Moo tomorrow.

Merry Christmas

The title basically says it all..Merry Christmas!! Have a safe and happy holiday....Love on your family, make sure they know how much they mean to you. And remember why we celebrate this day...More later tonight or tomorrow..For now, we off to E's mom's and then back to celebrate with my parents and then we have Moo tomorrow and we are celebrating with his dad on Saturday. Yesterday was really hard, and I feel like maybe I put other people into a bad mood. I didn't mean to, but I was really struggling and it was hard to keep it all on the inside. I was kind of in a pissy mood and I was exhausted. Next year hopefully I won't be going through this. My husband got me all kinds of fantastic things, I'll give the run down tonight. Merry Christmas!! Have a wonderful day!!

Think of me

This is a semi-bitching post, or a depression post as it were. So tonight was going to be the night we told my parents they were going to be grandparents and Im definitely having a rough time keeping it together. I forgot that my aunt J is out to HERE pregnant and talking about delivering and all that and Im just sad. Church is gonna be rough because it's always emotional for me, more so this year. Ugh, I just want to be a scrooge and go home, but Im keeping on a good front. So keep me in your thoughts. I'll have a happier post later I promise.

Ugh

I am doing terribly w/ICLW this month. I think Im just worn out, or there are nights like tonight when sleep won't come no matter what I do, so Im going to try and play catch up. Today was a pile on the suck day, I don't want every post to be a bitching one, but since this is my blog..
Here it is in bullet formation (and you will learn, if you are new around here, I lurve me some bullet formation)

• The weather outside is frightful: A freak ice storm that was semi-predicted, but not like it should have been. It was horrifyingly (is that a word?) bad. I work in Castleton, and lets just say the traffic is pretty much dead stopped on a good day that isn't the week of Christmas. Add in the ice and sleet and it took me 90 minutes to make a 7 minute drive, and that was OFF the highway. People just forget how to drive when there is any type of precipitation from the sky.
• I was in a shit-ass mood all day long. I don't know if the hormones are finally coming down or what the deal is, but I could not deal with people. Patients and co-workers alike. Also, I know this is bitchy, but sometimes I just listen to people's problems and I think "did your body decide that it didn't want to carry your baby last weekend? Then I don't want to hear your shit, see the doctor and move on." I just feel like you being tired because you just HAD to shop all weekend compares to me being in constant pain, bleeding, and loosing our first child. So there! I know the world doesn't revolve around me, but right now, Im sensitive about my shit.
• I came home, the house is a wreck, my husband has been a little lax about doing his jobs, and I know he is exhausted when he gets home (he works outside) but so am I, and I managed to do 5 loads of laundry, cook dinner, and cook cheesecake for my family's Christmas Eve get together tomorrow night. He came home and immedietly laid on the couch. So we kind of got into it and he got a few things done. I just sometimes feel like Im the one doing EVERYTHING and it's getting old. So I told him just that. We'll see if he was listening.
• I watched the movie White Christmas (we tivoed it) and they cut out almost half of the movie. They only had like 3 of the musical numbers, and it's as MUSICAL so they all should've been in there. I'll just have to buy it when it's on sale on Friday.
• I also watched the Real Housewhores of the OC. Good grief what a bunch of dumb bitches. They seriously make all women look like gold digging morons. It must be hard to live off your husbands money and not have to work a day in your life. Im sorry, but I know women from California who are NOT like this, and it's just giving real women, who might happen to live there a bad name. That said, it is a little addicting.
• Im currently completely addicted to Trading Spouses, Wife Swap, and Nanny 911. Those shows really make you feel better about your own life. And they kind of crack me up.

Okay, thats all for now. I must try and get some sleep since I have to work tomorrow. Night

Thank Y ou

My first real smile since Friday came courtesy of ICLW. It's so nice to have the support of people who don't even know me, and I thank you deeply. Im attempting to move on and not think about the what-if's every day, but I know I still will. I think maybe the constant pain & bleeding kind of make it hard to move on, when that stops, it will be easier. I hope when we have our first live baby he or she will know just how desperately they were loved and wanted before they were born. I think thats the hope of anyone TTC. Some people are just able to "have" babies, but those of us who have to fight for them, I think they are that much more loved. Because when you have to really try and go through pain (and for a lot of people, multiple miscarriages, shots, drugs, constant charting and recording cycles, doctors office visits, tests) the end result is that much more amazing. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for not only caring, but reminding me that life isn't going to get better unless I help it along and come out of this funk. This evening, I will have a "real" update that involves more then just talking about the m/c and wallowing in my anger. Stay tuned.

PS: This is 200th POST!! Wow!! Im so excited..

My Goodness

To everyone that has commented.. I have never felt so loved in all my life. The support from women who don't even know me has be amazing. I literally was moved to tears by all of your comments. It is just really good to know that Im not alone in this and that other people are thinking of me. Can I just tell you something though? The worst pain & bleeding was today. I thought it would all be over by now (I don't remember how long my last one took) but this morning, I thought I was dying the pain was so bad. 3 vico*dins later, and it's still low-lying. Like pain that is there, but in the back of my head. Also, I am so scared that everyone I will never have faith that a postive pee-stick will ever equal a baby. Im terrified, and still so sad about loosing this baby. I had such a great plan to tell everyone, I was going to tell my husband tonight. I barely made it through the picture frame department at Kohls on Saturday, because that's how I was going to tell the would-have-been grandparents. Ugh. This is just sucks. But thank you for thinking of me. Hopefully soon, I will be back to posting about other things, but right now, it's hard. It's like Im in a cloud. And the physical pain is so much that Im just exhausted all the time. I miss you baby.

Welcome Welcome

Since it's a new ICLW...Im going to re-introduce myself to the blogsphere and anyone stopping by.

Name: MrsJoyner
Home: Indiana
Marital Status: Married since 10-04-08
Children: 2 angel babies
TTC: Since the evening of 10-04-08
Blogging: Since May of 2007
A little about me: I am married to a wonderful man, Big E, and we have been ttc since our wedding night. We haven't been charting or using ovulation tests regularly, but we haven't been preventing. I went on BC when I was 15 because of immensley painful and wonky periods. No one ever told me being on BC might be harmful to your fertility if you stay on it for 10 years with no break. So, when I went off in November of 2007 (because my then doctor said it would take a year to get a regular cycle) I figured there's no way it would take that long. Flash forward to now. I've had a regular cycle in Nov/Dec/Jan of 07, then no period until May/June/July of 08, then nothing until..wait for it..my HONEYMOON, in October of 08 and then a regular cycle that started on November 6th. Then, 2 weeks ago a positive test. Elation!! I was planning on telling my husband and our families for Christmas. Then Friday, immense cramping and bleeding. The pregnancy ends at 6wks1day. Im still bitter. This is my 2nd miscarriage, the happening on December 19, 2002, when I was 19 and it was hugely devastating for me then to. I don't do well with loosing babies. So thats me in a nutshell. Usually Im pretty happy-go-lucky but lately, it's Mrs. Bitter Bitch. Was that a long enough introduction for everyone? Hopefully I didn't scare you off. Welcome again.

Ain't that a kick in the head

My last miscarriage....December 19, 2002.
December sucks.

6 Weeks 1 Day

And now it's over.
Went to the doctor, had tests done, was pregnant, am not anymore.
Will retest to make sure HCG is gone in 2 weeks.
In pain, got Vico*din.
Am crushed. I was going to share this news at Christmas.
Had a whole big plan. (Might share what I was going to do anyway later)
Feel like Im in a bubble, a daze, a nightmare.
Only able to think Worse Case Scenario thoughts.
At least I know the reason for the negative tests.
Terrible day.

So here we are

Im 2 weeks late...and testing negative. Please explain this to me.
Symptoms: Sore, bigger boobs, bloated, nausea after meals, extreme fatigue, and obviously, no period. I don't know what to do. I "feel" pregnant, but the tests are saying no. Is it possible to be PG and not test positive? Any and ALL advice would be appreciated on this matter as I am currently freaking out and I don't know what to do. I feel crazy. Like Im grasping at straws.




Oh, and one tiny thing, I had a positive test last week, it was veeery faint, and then, it was gone. Im thinking an evap line? Ughh I feel crazy!!

So Im posting from work

So yeah, we currently have one patient in the office and Im allowed to be online, but lets make this quick. I found this website..www.allreceipes.com and definitely it is awesome. Im making Italian pork chops tonight!! Yeah for being a gourmet cook. Oh and also, I want to submit something to Creme de la Creme on Stirrup Queens, but most of my stuff is just everyday life and not Creme worthy. Read through and let me know what you think! Bigger update later!!

What in the fuck

So here's something that makes me crazy..the WORST people to get pregnant..ALWAYS do. As you will recall, I used to work at a preschool, with mostly lower class (as in pretty poor) families. Which was no big deal, the kids were fantastic. But, we had AT LEAST one alcoholic drug addicted mom, and more then 10 kids who one or both parents were in jail. So, not the best parents. So can you please tell me why the said mom (alcohol/meth) is pregnant but her felon boyfriend and then today I find out that another mom is pregnant by the man who tried to beat her to death last Christmas, that she put in jail and then proceeded to bail out and her ex-husband was in jail for manslaughter. Seriously!? Why can't it be me? My husband and I would be great parents and we are stable, we have income, we aren't hooked on drugs or alcohol or addicted to anything else and ugh. I know. I am completely bitching, we've been trying for like 3 cycles, not very many and I just get pissy. Ugh, Im done bitching for the moment. Well until the negative pee stick that I am sure is inevitable.

Period....

Is Late.












Currently: Have pessimistic thoughts and absolutely NOT POAS. I want to hold onto that hope because I don't think there is anything besides a wonky period going on. The only MAYBE symptoms are very tired and more hungry then usual. I'll POAS if it's not here by the weekend.

Riddle Me This

Okay..Here's the deal, I have a kind of "intimate" question that I really don't want just everyone to read..Well, thats not true, I don't care who reads it, I want to be able to control who responds. So I kind of want to make it password protected..but then Im afraid I won't get any advice. It's nothing nasty, just personal, and usually Im not really shy, but this question involves more then just me, so what do you think? When you see a password protected post, do you ask for the password or is that going through too much work to read the post? And I do need advice, it's not something I can just run to anyone with. It has to do w/having a baby, well lack there of. Also, on that note, ever noticed how when you are trying to have a baby EVERYONE around you is either giving birth or "oh we're so suprised, we got pregnant after 1 month off birth control" or even "well it's a happy accident." I would give ANYTHING for a happy "accident."

This just blows

Today is the our 2 month anniversary..and the day Big E takes the physical for the IMPD test...So it should be a fantastic day..correct!? FAIL!!!

I walked outside this morning to leave for work and realized that Big E's window looked like something was wrong with it. Oh yeah, something was wrong all right. As in, it had been SHATTERED. He left our GPS (which was a wedding gift) in the car last night, as well as all the shit his sister brought down Monday night for him. I must vent for one quick second right here. I tell him every fucking night to bring that GPS in, and usually he does. Last night, he doesn't and not only is it stolen, but for some Godforsaken reason he had TWO checkbooks in the car, which are also, now, missing. Awesome. It's going to cost $145-150 to fix the window, and he has to be on the eastside by 1:30. Yeah, we'll see how that goes. They also stole some Christmas presents (awesome) and some Nike shoes (fantastic). Why does he leave that shit in his car?! I've told him to bring it in, I've told him I would help him etc. Maybe now he'll learn his lesson? (I know, Im a cold hearted bitch and not feeling sorry for him, but he should KNOW this). So the police just called and gave the me the old song and dance about how there's nothing really they can do, here's your case number etc. So thats fun. And on top of it, Im missing work waiting to see if the glass people can fix the window today, or if I need to drive him to his test. Ugh, this makes me so angry. And I thought if we were ever robbed or anything (because one of my greatest fears is being robbed) that I'd be scared..Im just pissed. I hope I meet them on the street so I can stab them with my brand new knife from my Martha Stewart knife set (that was also a wedding present.) Nothing says lovin like being homicidal.

Guess What?!

Announcing...
Dane Lee
6lbs. 12oz. 19in.
10:06 AM
Methodist Hospital


My best friend and Maid of Honor Angel & her fiancee Asher had their baby boy via c-section this morning at 10:06AM!! Woo Hoo!! Im so excited!! Im going to see him tomorrow evening..I was going to go tonight, but she had a reaction to the anesthesia and is still kind of loopy. Im so excited for her. She says he looks like his big sister, who looks just like her daddy!! Anyway, thats my big annoucement for now.

PS: 3 people think Im PG..not one of them is me. (E's stepmom, my mom, and my grandma, whatever)