Wait for it....

Today many thoughts surround me. I have been anticipating this post all week but know that as I write emotions will stir and so I have needed to wait until I was ready to deal more intimately with them to post.



You see this last month has been for much growth myself.....I feel. Actually the last couple weeks have been the most. I feel like I have been in a huge adjustment phase with the whole adoption, parenthood, and life thing.


This little man has brought out so much joy in us and strength and talents that I didn't know existed yet. But he has also stirred some deep rooted pain in me. I tell you this to give you my perspective on infertility and adoption. When we first started the adoption process, at the first "consultation" appointment which was more like a counseling session the social worker surprised me by talking more about our infertility than adoption. I was thrown off guard, I sobbed, I was embarrassed, I was relieved. Someone could help us get through and give us insight to this trial we will forever deal with. I remember that he said that adoption does NOT cure infertility. That made total sense. He was not the only one to tell us this, other social workers and friends alike who have experienced or been close to those who have adopted know this. Adoption is also not the last resort to parenthood, it is a CHOICE. Lindsay and I prayed about adoption, if this was the will of our Heavenly Father to expand our family. We received that confirmation.



I knew that a baby wouldn't cure my infertility issues, but I also thought that becoming a parent would distract me enough away from it, that I could kind of push it out of my mind. Naive thinking if you ask me....or maybe wishful. So we come back to the present time, Erik has been with us for almost 2 months and recently he has stirred the old unwelcome visitor a bit. Seeing his precious innocence and amazing nature reminds me not only how lucky Lindsay and I are to be a part of his life and this miracle, but also that I may never co-create with God and carry a child in my womb. Please do not misunderstand this post as not being thankful for our little man, because I think in the end, it makes us appreciate him that much more. But I hurt for the experience of being pregnant, of delivering, of feeling a spirit move inside me. To bring such a gift to Earth...I have no idea what exactly S's journey has been like but my pain about not carrying a child has helped me to appreciate her experience of placing Erik into our home after doing those things I have not.



Dealing with some of this pain lately has been good for me though, to look at the silver lining.....I feel much more bonded to Erik than I did before. You see, Lindsay bonded with him almost instantly, and while I was so excited about that because I wasn't quite sure how he would react I was wanting the same thing. Bonding has come a bit slower for me, not like I haven't loved our son but it has been coming in steps. I think my hard recently have helped me grow closer to his little spirit and now I just enjoy every bit of him. I feel like my bond to him is growing each day. It's been hard because a lot of moms around me, their infants need them exclusively for feeding, but I am not needed in that way, and since we had so much help in the beginning, I didn't feel as strong as an urge towards him as I wanted or expected.

But perseverance pays off.....I am constantly working on trying to do things that would help me. I think it has been going rather nicely. Lindsay and I have been working with Erik to get more of a routine down. And it's not so much about getting things done at specific times of day but doing everything in the same order so Erik knows what to expect next has helped. I do the whole night during the week when Lindsay works and he helps on the weekends, unless Erik is having a particularly troubled night. And I think that spending lots of wee morning hours feeding and holding and then having him want to be held by me still in the morning has been a great success. When he needs me is when I feel the bond become more cemented.



Adoption is very unique, for those who have been a part of been close to those who have been a part knows that it is a roller coaster. And it seems that the lows are more low. but in exchange the highs are more high. What a wonderful blessing! It makes me think about how to experience such sweetness we must go through the prickly painful part. The rule of opposites that we learn about in the scriptures, we can't have one without the other. For if we only experienced good things we would never really know how good they were or appreciate them, but when we have the bad with the good......then we partake of the most sweetest things and and enjoy them.

So that is my deep thoughts for a while. On a lighter note but still on the adoption front... my surprise......... have you heard of "the r house?" If not you should check it out. There is a link on the right hand side of my blog. Especially sometime soon as I have been asked to a guest blogger! Not sure when it will happen....I will let you know, but I am working on everything and am so excited! Mrs. r is a huge adoption advocate and has two sweet little boys who have come to their family through adoption. Her blog rocks!



Even Erik thinks so! If you check out her thurs. march 26th post you can click on the link of the video slideshow and hear a birth mother tell a part of her story with pictures of her placement. So cool! And I will remind or inform those that may not know that Birth Mother's day is the saturday before Mother's day!

Have a great weekend!

Our journey

So I realized the other day that I started this blog and have been posting but haven't really talked about who we are.....which is the name of our blog. So I thought that it might be a good idea to do that. First of all We both grew up here in Washington and love the outdoors. Our favorite is to go camping and both of us have even camped in the winter with snow and all. I would not say that is my favorite thing to do in the winter but I can say I have experienced it, more than once actually.

Both Lindsay and I grew up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and have been blessed tremendously by our faith. We were sealed together in the Spokane Temple 4 years ago and know that we will be able to enjoy our marriage through the rest of Eternity. We started trying to expand our family a year after we had been married and weren't sure how things were going to work out but had high hopes. After 9 months of no pregnancy and many dollars spent on home tests we decided to see a doctor concerning the issue. He did routine blood work and started the beginning steps of fertility treatments. I was on Clomid for a year with increasing doses every few months. HORRIBLE! I hated it, and although my cycle became regular I never seemed to feel like myself. At the time I was in my first job out of College working in a residential center for at risk youth (runaways, homeless, foster kids), needless to say I had a lot on my mind. Soon after working for the Center I had started filling in at the administration building for the Agency I worked for and they offered me a part time job as the receptionist for Admin, and their drug and alcohol treatment center. So I decided that less stress would probably be best for my body and my spirit. So I quickly switched positions. I have stayed as the receptionist and moved into it full time. I enjoy working with the population of people that I would work with if I was using my degree but enjoy the fact that It's not as high maintenance.

So after a year of Clomid and a golf ball size ovarian cyst I asked to be taken off of it. They thought that was a good idea (those knuckleheads, throughout my medical journey I have felt like I have been the guiding hand with out the expertise). At that point Lindsay had been tested and found he had some of his own infertility issues. Seemed like our bodies weren't made to create babies. From there I asked for a referral to a higher level fertility specialist and again bloodwork was done and they found (or so they said) a brain tumor....YIKES! I completely and utterly felt like my body had failed me, like my divine purpose had been taken away from me, rock bottom is where I was. So I once again went on another medication until this fall. I thought Clomid was bad but let me tell you this one was worse. For two months I took it at night because it would make me dizzy after I took it. There is a whole list of other things it did as well but that is beside the point. I ended up taking a medication to go with that one to help with side effects. So after that we pretty much decided to give the whole fertility try a rest. Emotionally we were shot, we would have days where one or the other would sit and cry and explain our frustration.

We comforted each other with the fact that our love for each other stayed the same regardless of how messed up our bodies were. That we would still be there for the other. You see up until this point we hadn't even told our families that we were trying to start a family.....we were still dodging questions. It was not fun, I wanted to yell out at the roof tops how much I hurt, I wanted to call my mom or anyone else to gain strength, but at the same time I didn't want them to worry, I didn't want more questions about things I wasn't ready to talk about. Finally we told our Dads and had them come to our house and give us Father's Blessings, wow what a release. It was like a huge cloud had been lifted. It was at this time we didn't really know where we were going to go from there and didn't really want to think about it for a while.

In March of 2007 we decided to start looking into adoption, we had our doubts, our questions, and our hope and motivation. We met with our first social worker who put some of our doubts to rest and inspired more motivation. Lindsay and I went home and decided to pray and think more about it. Adoption we felt was the answer to our prayers. So we started the process, but we still had issues and grieving to get through. We needed time to understand the process better, for me I needed to be able to solely focus on adoption and not on my getting pregnant. With the brain tumor I needed to make sure all was well even though they said the tumor was benign. It has been a year of much growth.

I now understand the atonement of Jesus Christ and his great blessing for us on a much deeper scale. It affects everyone in so many ways, I have learned it doesn't just help us when we have made poor choices and want to repent but it helps us and everyone else with everything, it is the reason for everything. I love my Savior with my whole heart and know that I would not be at peace with our decision without his influence.

So here we are a year later with our paperwork filled out, turned in, and our home study complete and brain tumor as well as medication gone! I still struggle with not knowing whether I can or will get pregnant but I am ready to continue on this path that has been set before us. I can't wait to see Linds with our children. He is so amazing! This last week his Sister was in town with her two girls and he was holding Azura (14 months) with so much ease, it was like he had been doing it forever. So welcome to our lives and our story I hope that you enjoy it and that it may help someone at some point.

*since this is such a long post.....I will post the pic of Us, our nieces, and Chelsea-Lindsay's amazing Sister!