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The past few days I've been feeling out of sorts. I'm not sure if it was because every story I've written lately has been difficult to complete, due to one reason or another, or if it was because of my kidney stone episodes, or because I've just been going to bed way later than I normally do, but I've been a little down...which is just not like me. This post is my way of trying to find out why I've been feeling the way I do...but I warn you it's a very LONG post, so you might want a healthy snack and some water before reading further.
Today, I visited Chania's wonderful blog
Razmataz where she posted about her struggle with weight and how society treats people who don't fit a certain mold with disgust and disrespect much of the time. Her post struck a nerve...one that's been close to the surface for awhile now, but I just didn't know how to put it all in words until today.
I had been thinking about doing a post on this topic, but have stopped myself plenty of times for fear that it was something we just shouldn't talk about. Oh I've hinted at it...the no picture rule I spoke of with Connie...it's not for her, she's a beautiful and very photogenic woman...no, the rule was for me and thankfully she has always understood why I wanted her to honor my rule.
Growing up, I was never the skinny kid, but I was far from overweight. I was a college level athlete who played tennis for up to 6 hours a day, ran, and lifted weights, so in a nutshell I was someone who could probably kick your butt. My greatest joy was to go to the local Navy base on the weekends and hang out near the tennis courts or racquetball courts waiting for some brawny Marine to show up so that I could play a pick up game and wipe him around the court. I gained a reputation as being someone to contend with, and people would seek me out to see if they could beat me...I loved that, because if I'm nothing else, I am super competitive.
Now, I was never a jerk or someone who flaunted my abilities as an athlete, it was the opposite actually. I sought to humble those who thought they were invincible and smiled on the inside when I achieved my goal.
Sports were my refuge, the place where I found passion, joy, and a healthy lifestyle. I was a good student too, but tennis was always my priority. I once had a college professor tell me after missing class for an away match that I needed to get my priorities straight...I simply looked at her and politely said, "I think I do have them straight." I was confident, self assured, and I knew that missing a few of her classes to do something I loved would not keep me from the career of my dreams...and it didn't.
But even in college, I knew that something wasn't right with my body. I would work out with the team for hours at a time and then be back out on the court for fun for several more hours a day, but I was never the skinny, willowy tennis player that some of my friends and teammate were. I was solid as a horse, and I ate incredibly well, didn't drink except for an occasional drink, and I still wasn't as thin as I should have been based on my intake verses my output.
I simply wrote it off to bad genes and knew that throughout my life I would have to work to keep my weight at a normal level. Then, after I married and had my daughter, I was suddenly skinny! I could wear the two piece bathing suit I hadn't felt comfortable wearing since middle school because I thought muscular and strong wasn't sexy. It was so strange to not exercise like I once had and to be so much thinner...how could this be?!
As my daughter grew, I began exercising more and once again I gained weight, not a lot, but I was never as skinny as I had been right after she was born. Now for those of you that say muscle weighs more than fat...there is truth to that, but it's not 10 lbs more I can assure you, and it takes a very long time to turn a pound of fat into a pound of muscle!
Finally, right after our son was born, I went to the doctor, and I was diagnosed with PCOS, or polycystic ovarian syndrome. I had been to doctors before but no one had ever figured out what was really going on with me until then. The doctor was a little baffled by me since I had 2 children (PCOS is one of the leading causes of infertility in the world) and because I wasn't really heavy as many PCOS patients typically are. So they began treating me for the PCOS which included a medicine to help with insulin resistance, a major symptom of PCOS. For the next 8 years, I was relatively thin, but there as a reason for that. For those 8 years the medicine made me feel like a first trimester pregnant woman...so smells, tastes, everything made me sick to my stomach. I actually would have to leave the grocery store if they were steaming shrimp, and I can't begin to tell you how many hotels we left when we opened the door and it just didn't smell "right" to me! It was a nightmare, and I went off of the medication just about 7 years ago.
If you are still reading this then bravo to you...I probably would have tuned out a long time ago if I were you!
The last 7, almost 8 years of my life have been spent dealing with one thing after another. My mom's stroke, her death from cancer, my dad's death, working 2 jobs, selling one house and remodeling another, raising kids, having a husband who travels...you might say I've had just a wee bit of stress during those years. But when life gets tough for me I turn to what I've always turned to in order to make it through...working out!
I joined a small gym and even hired a private trainer. I would work out for several hours 3 or 4 times a week, and I was gaining weight and was tired all of the time! Finally, my wonderful husband, who has never cared what I looked like or how much I weighed, said, "something is wrong with you...no one can work out the way you do, eat as healthily as you do, and gain weight!" It was him who found me a doctor who finally looked at the whole picture. In addition to my PCOS, she determined that I also was hypothyroid and that my adrenal gland had given up the ghost.
So what does that mean, I wanted to know from her. Well she looked right at me and said..."it means that if you don't slow down and eliminate all the stress from your life, then you won't be here to see your kids grow up!" What?! What did she just say, I thought to myself. I saw her on a Friday afternoon, and on Monday I phoned my boss at my marketing job and said I won't be coming in...as in ever again.
Besides scaring me to death, or maybe out of death, she also said something that completely shocked me and rocked my world. She told me to quit exercising! Again I thought...what?! How can exercise be bad, we read all the time about how great it is, all of the health benefits...she must be crazy, I thought. She explained that when our bodies are already stressed, we are producing huge amounts of cortisol. When we exercise, we pump out even more cortisol, especially when we go above our metabolic threshold...so I was making myself worse by exercising, and the added cortisol was what was making me GAIN weight! I actually didn't believe her at first and continued to exercise, until the next doctor told me the same thing, and then when the 3rd doctor said the same thing I finally got it...yeah I'm stubborn and stupid like that! But it went against everything I had ever known and everything we are taught!
In the past 3 years, I have embarked on an arduous journey. I've spent thousands of dollars having my blood levels tested every month, then every 3 months to try and get my body and my life back. Today I only eat organic food, absolutely no transfats, grass fed only beef, limit my sugar intake, and I'm now allowed to walk short distances, do yoga and to meditate. I even have a meditation program hooked up to my computer that has a way to monitor my pulse and galvanic skin response to make sure I stay in the zone and don't stress my body. I'll admit that I'm not as faithful as I should be about doing yoga or using the program, but that's something I'm working on.
I also limit the amount of stress in my life as much as anyone can who is trying to work, has a family, and is just living life. But the one thing that I haven't resolved is my weight. I've been told to be patient, that in time it will sort itself out...but I'm not a patient person people so it's been very hard for me!
So why tell you all of this...I'll probably be asking myself that same question too once I hit the publish button...but I think it's because I feel it's time.
When I left
Connie's house the other day and went to Wegmans grocery store, I was wandering the aisles when I met a wonderful French woman. We struck up a conversation, something I seem to do frequently, and we began to talk about how in France you can sit at a cafe all day people watching and sipping the same cup of coffee and no one would ever ask you to leave, or to order something else...you can stay as long as you like. This concept is so foreign here in the states, where waiters breathe down your neck if you take too long, and anxious patrons give you the eye if you don't hurry up so that they can fill your seat.
We talked for probably 20 minutes and she then looked right at me and said that her weight was a real problem for her. She explained that before she turned 40 she had been a flight attendant and weight had never been an issue for her, but that following a hysterectomy and with changing hormones she had gained weight which she just couldn't seem to lose no matter what she did or how well she ate. She seemed almost apologetic, yet she was a beautiful woman, her only crime was carrying a few extra pounds. A crime which carries a hefty sentence (no pun intended) in this country...and sadly the punishment is spreading to other parts of the world.
America likes to pride itself on the fact that we can put a feed trough restaurant like the Olive Garden in every city and town, yet it shuns those whose bodies can't handle that sort of rubbish. We have to go to specialty grocery stores such as Whole Foods and Wegmans (I drive 2 hours each way to get to those stores) to find healthy alternatives to the glossy perfect looking apples, and blemish free peaches. Independent local farmers can't afford to grow the crops that will supply the next generation with healthy alternatives to flavored water and lunchables!
We are a country obsessed with looks. And the repercussions for those who don't fit the mold are devastating. I never thought twice about having my picture taken, or what I would wear, or whether I wanted to meet someone...but I do now. And we have people losing weight with Jenny Craig and then telling us that in order to do what you want and to feel confident, you have to be a size 6....As for the rest of you, well just stay at home, because frankly we don't want to see you, though much of our society is dedicated to making you bigger, less healthy, and less active. Do we really need drink holders on our shopping carts people?!
The point of my post is that living a healthy lifestyle is a must. Studies have shown that the way you and I eat will affect our grandchildren and great grandchildren!
Another point of this post, and one I need to heed myself, is that how I look really shouldn't determine who I am or what I am capable of. The other day my husband told me that he would be going to Germany for training in July, and would I like to go along? My first reaction was YES, I've always wanted to go to Germany, but that thought was quickly replaced. You see I have a dear gaming friend who lives in Hamburg, and all I could think was...oh I can't meet Markus when I look like this! How many times have you or me, or anyone else out there turned down an opportunity, or avoided something because you needed to lose 15 lbs, or 50 lbs?! I need to free myself of the notion that if you see me and think I'm not skinny, and don't like me because of it, that there is something wrong with ME. The truth is that if you judge me to be less capable, or pretty, or whatever based on my weight then that's your problem, because goodness knows I'm the same person I was when I wore the size 6 clothes that hang in my closet...which are all probably dry rotted by now.
And lastly, but far and away the most important message I hope to impart is that I hope when you see someone who is overweight, you don't immediately assume that they eat fast food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner or that their car's GPS is programmed to hit the drive thru at Dunkin Donuts. That was the point of
Chania's post too, and I thank her for giving me permission to finally put it all out there on the table.
I once asked my doctor why the weight was taking so long to come off and her reply was...well it will be the last component of your recovery. I thought it was ironic that the first symptom to show up would be the last one to leave. But I think I'm a better person today...heavier and slightly less confident then I once was...because I now live in the knowledge that my husband and children love me unconditionally and I've also developed a greater sense of compassion, empathy, and no longer judge people by how they look (not that I did much of that anyway), and that, my friends, is worth it's weight in gold!
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