Pony Express Posts: Belated Announcement

Well, I suppose there's no point continuing to wait for a substantial, creative manner of announcement to float down from the heavens on a golden harp-shaped hovercraft, now that it's been a couple months.

My procrastination has been holding up a backlog of what's been passing for content here the past couple years (since we bought the house), as a lot of what I've thought of saying the past 6 months or so was in some way tied to this news... news which I had been trying not to just throw out there unceremoniously, much in the way I'm about to do right now:

We had yet another baby last month.  

See? That's her right up there, as proof. The second coming of M-, hereby to be known as A-. So we've completed our set of two boys and two girls.*

Yes, that's right, according to most people's reactions, as well as a quick flip through a generation's worth of census data, we are now the modern equivalent of that 8-kid family** people used to marvel at during the Baby Boom and Generation X's heyday.

Do we feel more complete now, you wonder? Have we started getting a human amount of sleep yet? Have we worked out some kind of daily routine now that school has started for J- and the kids? Have we any hope of shaking off the influence of our hypnotizing alien captors soon? Take a glance at the posting history here and then pencil in your guesses before I stop by with the answer key as soon as I can.

In the meantime, with this official notice out here, I should be able to at least get back to posting more lists of tidbits and such a few times a month, with more promises of actual paragraphs and thoughts and time and craft someday, once again.

It's the thought that counts, right?

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* This means I'll have to update the banner again, so soon*** after the last time.

** All I can say is those people are lucky they were able to delude themselves into thinking that small children wedged tightly enough across the bench seat of a station wagon would provide their own restraint in case of a high-speed accident. Otherwise, the country would either be a fraction of its present size today, or it would have been swarmed throughout the '60s with extended vans, RVs, and "Parental Sanity trailers" featuring a half-dozen kids suspended along the walls with heavy-duty straps.

*** Obviously a relative term, given that some of the pictures were several years out of date when I replaced them a couple months ago...

A conversation with J-: Momma's watchin' her stories

I figured since I published conversations with D- and with M-, I might as well be fair and do some conversations with J-. So consider this number one of an as-yet undetermined number.

I found this a fantastic example of our very makeshift style of parenting, while J- was watching TV and casually sharing pieces of her pretzels with M-, a bolder beggar than any terrier I know:

Me: (looking over just as M- is reaching for more pretzels from J-'s plate) Don't let her have any more-- she's still got some in her mouth.

J-: No, I haven't given her any in a few minutes, she should be fine now.

Me: No, J-, she has actual pieces of pretzel sticking out of her mouth. She's gonna need another minute...

J-: Aww, why'd you have to ruin my fun?

Me: With a choking baby?!?

J-: Yeah!

Disclaimer: Despite the implications of this conversation, I must state for the record that J- is almost always way more responsible than me. When it comes to the kids, anyway... not cleaning, maintenance, organization, or finances. There's a reason I'm the stay-at-home parent.

Disclaimer disclaimer: I realize the above disclaimer will still get me in trouble, so I'll further state for the record that J- is generally awesome and definitely my best friend. She's good at lots and lots of things, like cooking, teaching, and knowing what I'm thinking most of the time, but they're just not as amusing to me at the moment.

A conversation with M-: I want what I want...

Consider this an experiment-- after several amusing (to me) conversations with D-, here is the debut Conversation with M-. Being that she is only about 15 months old, you must understand all conversations we have are pretty brief.

If only you could hear her voice when she says anything, I'd have hundreds of extremely cute and funny short conversations for you. Without that dimension, they're mostly pretty boring. Hopefully this one is translatable enough to give you a two-second smile:

I was holding M- by the counter, first thing this morning. She was calling out "''hungry", "eat", and "more, please" while scoping out her options.

M-: 'Naa-nuhhh!

Me: You want a banana?

M-: (thinks for a second) No. (She's getting to the point where she's honor-bound to answer 'No' to any question she's asked.)

M-: (sees a lollipop on the counter) 'An-dee!!

So now we know the latest high-priority addition to her ever-expanding vocabulary.

Developments at our house, Vol. 1

Some developments at our house in the past day or so:

1. Last night, I offered M- a bottle of milk since she was trying to steal D-'s cup. She looked frustrated as she took a step back, shook her head, and then surprised herself by saying "No" in a very thoughtful way. Against my better judgment and future sanity with regards to this particular word, I praised her for speaking her mind.

This goes along with her saying "mo' " several times recently when signing for more, the dozen other words we got her to say later on last night (including "yeah", "car", "kitty", "shiny", "hurt", "sorry", [see #7 below]"dude", and "poopy"), and the ones she has been saying for awhile now (such as "daddy", "momma", the names of most of my family, "hi", "bye-bye", "doggy", "guy", "go", "wow", "uh-oh", and "nigh'-nigh' "). Unsurprisingly, I cannot get her to say any of these this morning.

2. D- has inexplicably taken to speaking in a 3-year-old's approximation of a southern accent. I would place it somewhere around Imaginary Tennessee.

3. Just as J- was finishing up changing M-'s diaper, M- suddenly flipped over, stood up, grabbed the old diaper, and ran across the room while shaking it vigorously. Was there Number 2? Oh yes, of course there was.

I never thought I'd say it, but thank god for constipation...

4. D- has decided that wearing camouflage pajamas requires him to repeatedly march with a mean face towards the TV, point at his reflection, shoot himself with screwdriver, and then fall down dead. I'm not sure where he learned this, but he may soon be joined by 20,000 more 3-year-olds seeking to put a stop to this menacing force.

5. M- discovered that tossing an aptly-named throw pillow on the floor provides her with a portable and comfy seat from which her feet only just touch the floor (if you can believe it). She also found out the painful way that on such an uneven surface, bouncing on one's bottom out of sheer joy at this discovery will cause one's head to hit the floor surprisingly hard almost as many times as one tries it.

6. I learned that a 1-year-old will actually struggle to find her brother hiding under a blanket right where he was sitting for the past half an hour, even when said brother is giggling uncontrollably. (She eventually found him, but only after walking around for several minutes calling him with her hands turned up in a "Where on Earth did he go?!" posture.)

7. J- learned that you never tell a baby she can't have the phone back immediately after hanging up on her aunt, because that baby will be bound by Baby Law to shriek once loudly and then head butt you in the mouth at full force.

Note: Here are the other volumes.

Corporate intelligence, Vol. 1: Citibank/AT&T

You know what ridiculous e-mail I got from Citibank the other day? One suggesting I add them to my address book to make sure I never miss an e-mail from them.

I think it goes without saying that if their messages were being filtered out, I would not have received this helpful tip.

That's almost as delightful as this hilarious Important Notice I got in my phone bill recently (emphasis mine):

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THE NEW LOOK OF AT&T
Over the last several months, we've transformed the AT&T brand to reflect our commitment to our on-the-go customers. As more customers seek to stay connected at home and on the road, we're borrowing from our mobility group and including more orange throughout our communications. In the next two months, you'll see more AT&T orange on your bills. Why? We're in the business of keeping you connected, and we want you to know it.

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Thank god they let me know!! What would I have thought when I got my bill if I hadn't been forewarned?!?

Playing dumb: A conversation with D-

This is the first in our high-minded series of conversations with D-, my three-year-old son.

I'm not new to this strategy, but let's see if you can pick it up:

As we entered a store today, D- saw some random toy displays, and innocently asked "Why do they have all these toys out here?"

Can you see where he's headed with this soft sell?

Me: "They're out for people who want to buy them."

D-: "I want to buy them..."

Me: "I don't think you have enough money to buy them."

D-: "But you have enough money to buy them..."

Me: "Yes, but I don't want to buy them."

D-: "But I want them..."

Me: "Even I don't have enough money to buy all the things you say you want. If I bought all the things you point out and say you want, we wouldn't have any money left over for food or other things we actually need."

D-: "Oh, okay."

And so it ended as simply as it began. He didn't even call my attention to any specific toy, just the whole brightly-colored area right as you walk in (clever bastards).

I think he may have a toy addiction. I wonder what the methadone would be for toy addicts... "educational" toys? Just like the real thing, only lamer.

The cast of characters

Me: As the nickname indicates, I can be overly precise and dogmatic, but in the interests of full disclosure, this is generally just an effort to amuse myself. I'm in my 20s, and my English degree, coupled with my Herculean drive to deftly conquer every mountain life sets in my way, has of course brought me wealth and fame beyond your wildest dreams.

I say 'your' dreams because I, of course, don't dream. If something begins to occur to me while I sleep, I simply wake up and make another million off it before retiring again to rest in the blackened, dreamless sleep of someone who once again has nothing left to achieve in this world.

I've made and lost just some of my fortunes thus far while working in the high-stakes fields of technical writering, movie-theater-supervisoring, and temporary employmenting. I recently moved into the profession of making those privileged Caucasian-American babies everyone loves so much these days ("this millennium's Beanie Babies!!!"), and I am merely waiting for that investment to mature in spades.

J-: My long-suffering wife and a sainted special education teacher. She has put up with my shenanigans for over 10 years so far (I tricked her into marrying me less than halfway through, before she could realize what she was getting into). When asked how long she plans to continue, she makes that face she makes. You know the one.

D-: My 6-year-old son, who (as an impartial observer) is abnormally intelligent and insightful for his age, which mostly just brings him trouble. Also, we have a very similar sense of humor, which says a lot about both of us, I think. You'll hear enough about him and his sister later that I don't need to go on at length here.

M-: My 3-year-old daughter, who may or may not be part Eskimo, as she spent most of her free time during her first year assigning 70 different meanings to a blood-curdling scream. She has since settled down and began blowing us all away by walking, toilet-ing, and talking like a 5-year-old before age 2. Except when she really wants something she can't have, she is professionally adorable and pleasant.

My Parents: The nicest parents in the world. Seriously. If you think your parents are nice, you may in fact be wrong. J- and I end up spending a lot of time over at their house (my parents' house, that is, not your parents'), like "Everybody Loves Raymond" in reverse.

My Sister: A fun and loving aunt (pronounced "ant"). Just don't call her Aunt, cause that might suggest she's older than her 20s. She's a vegetarian, and generally very Healthy and Active, which can only be a good counterweighting influence on the kids.

I'm sure others will appear, but these are likely to be the most frequently mentioned people.

What to expect

Here it is, the first post of this blog. What you have to look forward to are whatever insights I can stumble upon in regards to my being:

• a father of two in my mid-20s


• a husband and stay-at-home dad


• an astoundingly unproductive freelance writer


• an underachiever


• a lazy obsessive-compulsive


• a bullsh***er extraordinaire

In addition to that, I'll write about whatever else strikes my fancy.

...isn't that just a quaint little phrase?