Arsonist Bridezilla drags victims from burning safehouse

This post is dedicated to Allison Ross, who'll no longer be A-Ross by August, but something else hopefully just as catchy instead. Let's see if she can top this feat on her big day...

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I just thought I'd share with you this little story of yet another Bridezilla going way over the top in her effort to upstage all her peers:

Bride rescues family from house fire

If TV has taught you anything, and God knows it's taught me plenty, it should be plain as day that those people had just run into the burning building to escape the bride's wrath, probably after they coughed during the vows or threw the rice a little too hard.

So there she went dragging them back out to face the music. Mostly a percussion piece, I'd guess, right before the fire department showed up.

But once everyone else arrived on the scene, of course, the neo-hippie liberal media spun themselves a sappy tale of a heroic, selfless bride risking her life and sacrificing her dress on that one day that marks the absolute pinnacle of every woman's life.*

As for the dress, though, there are few pieces of clothing better suited to this kind of ruination-- if all goes to plan, you were never going to wear it again anyway.

And if you're upset that you spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on it, well, you already made a horrible decision and wasted most of that money, and saving it from some ash isn't going to get it back for you.

What difference does it make whether the dress slowly turns yellow in a closet or it turns jet black immediately after the ceremony? I'll tell you what the difference is: an awesome story.

Plus, you save money on buying a fancy black dress for your husband's funeral! Highly recommended for the cost-conscious golddigger cruising the old-folks' home.

And with that, I declare Wedding Season 2009 officially Open!

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* Without exception.**

** Especially you, J-.