Kid Stuff

This day has been relentless. It started with gardening (which is slightly less "ugh" when every muscle isn't screaming from some day-before muscular workout). Then it segued into school shopping for my (rather entitled) teenager. Usually I resist her "needs", but she's about to start high school, so I gave in. With a proviso.

She got Nikes and Uggs and Lulu Lemons and Roots. (Until I became a parent, I never understood how anyone could spend so much fucking money on someone - other than herself...)

See, my kid is a hoarder from way back. She gets it from her father. Over the summer, however, she's put a ton of effort into remodeling her bedroom. She's fixed the plaster walls and painted. She drew and then painted a mural (of the Versace Medusa) - yes, I allowed this in the name of artistic expression. She's chosen all new furniture from IKEA (which we'll visit soon). The theme is 80s black and white.

But that child has clothing from grade 6 pushed into the back of her wardrobe. Who are we kidding - grade 4. She has every American Girl product that was ever made. She has never thrown out one piece of plastic jewelry she's ever been given. Did I mention that we could build a viable suspension bridge with her hair ties?

Y'all know I am as opposite to this as a human being could be. My every piece of clothing is folded perfectly and stored by weight and colour. I abhor clutter. I can barely stand my house right now, truth be told, between the basement (the fire hazard that is my husband's zone of hoarding) and all of the things that have fallen apart over the winter. I realize this is a terribly first-world problem, but I cannot understand how I work my ass off to ensure that I am not beholden to things and my family members thwart me at every turn. And they touch the walls with their grimy hands.

But back to the bargain. Today I agreed to spend a paycheck on teenage-style luxury goods in return for a true purge of the child's room. It was almost easy to gain her acquiescence, really, because she cannot stand what her room has become. She's spent 14 years digging in to avoid doing what I want and it's resulted in a prison for her.

So, today, after gardening and spending and negotiating, M and I came home and we cleaned. Oh, we cleaned for hours. We threw out so much stuff that most of it is still in bags in her closet (which we haven't even scratched the surface of, Lord help me) because we couldn't fit it into our outside bin.

Usually, I parse out everything and prepare stuff for the lawn and put stuff in batches for my sister's kids. I couldn't even bring myself to go there. It was all we could do to throw shit away (even as my eco-self was horrified). Much of it was in terrible shape or totally cheap and hideous (as is the way when your kid starts shopping for herself). Some of it has been left in the closet (for the next purge, next weekend) so I'll have to consider how to clean and repurpose that stuff.

What amazes me - and likely what would amaze my friends - is that her room was a pit of detritus but it didn't impact any part of the rest of the house. I backed off a couple of years ago, resigned to wait until she leaves home in adulthood before reclaiming and clearing the space. I couldn't stand the fighting. That child and I have fought over just about everything, it seems. I no longer have the will. I'm a hormonal mess, for fuck's sake.

At any rate, sometimes we join forces. And today, as we struggled in tandem, I realized I was doing the yeoman's work - the mother's work. We would never have been there, soaked in sweat, overwhelmed, if M had agreed to let go of things little by little. But even though it's an azure-skied Saturday in August, even though I would have thought I'd have been compelled to say "I told you so", I worked and cajoled. I calmed and problem-solved. And we got somewhere.

Then the wine opener broke as I was half way through uncorking a (well-deserved) 40-dollar Amarone. Needless to say, don't talk to me about letting go.

Grade 6 Was So Last Year

We had her hair styled (alas, all the curls fell out due to humidity) and she chose the necklace (from her collection) - which works great with the outfit, IMO.

The graduation event was surprisingly emotional - and has inspired intense discussion (some of it very sad, very deep) between me and Scott.

I wish for my child that she will take the sustenance of her longstanding community into a new one, to find what thrills her creatively, what intrigues her intellectually. I see her on the precipice, between childhood and independence, and I hope this next phase will be kind. I hope she finds her place. I hope she makes wonderful friends she will know when she is 42. I hope that I can nurture her through the next phase, that my compulsion to fulfill my own creative goals doesn't impinge on my ability to parent her well. I love my girl, even though it's hard for me to be somebody's mother. I hope she understands.

Running Away

I have a lot of goals today. Goals that are competing with my headache and cramps and making me feel like curling up in a ball. Then there's the fact that my kid threatened to run away from home yesterday, because she's grounded and I wouldn't let her go to an after-school event. I do realize that, when your kid texts you at work to tell you she's running away - and she's actually at home having followed your initial edict not to stay at an event - chances are it's a bluff. But we'd had such a nice time on Thursday - a whole 12 hours of mummy-baby happiness. I don't know how to manage my anger and disappointment. Part of me realizes she's a hormonal mess without the life-skills to manage. But what about consequence?

It's her 12th birthday on Monday and I've spent all week searching out and buying her great new things she'll love (not cheap, natch), planning the cake she asked me to make with special icing, planning a shopping trip and dinner at a very nice restaurant and a trip to the movies. Furthermore, we went out for dinner on Thursday and had a great time, got ice cream, came home and did a spa. (Her hair, when occasionally clean, is the silky, thick, fluffy stuff of a shampoo commercial.) We had all kinds of real conversation. It was like a made-for-tv movie.

As the adult in this equation, I don't appreciate her behaviour. But as a human being who just keeps trying and trying and trying - who's been dealing with the tedium and challenge of parenting this child at all the stages of development - I'm tired, disappointed and my feelings are hurt.

That's all I've got, right now.

Open Letter

Dear Omnipotent Goddess Who Oversees the School Year:

Another year, another grade. Somehow I didn't stop to consider, when I decided to have a kid, that it would be tantamount to revisiting every grade, every subject, every heartache. I know there are a lot of children you oversee who are really struggling. Some of them are working through some tough family shit. Others are significantly academically challenged. I realize that my own child is very fortunate in her small school, in her safe clique. She has parents who really care to help her to achieve.

Nonetheless, as we stand on the precipice of another school year, I have to ask you to benevolently grant us the following:

• A good teacher, who will engage my child without stressing her out. One who will require her to think, even as her mind wanders.
• Some clear assignments (with articulate and age-appropriate instruction) to help her to learn.
• Some traction. Please let us take some of the lessons learned from last year and apply them to this one - any and all of them.
• A focused child - one who has the ability to keep it together after a 10 hour day so that she can do another hour of homework.
• Patient parents who have the ability to keep it together after a 10 hour day to help the kid to learn (without semi-regularly throwing out snide remarks about not wanting to do this anymore because it's too unpleasant).
• Good humour (see above).
• No assignments that have anything to do with Nunavut. Please.

I really appreciate your consideration and anything you can do to assist us in achieving a harmonious next few months.

Thank you and best regards, K