Ahem.

Dear Guy Who Sat Behind Me At Last Night's Game:

Although I truly, truly, appreciated your commentary on all-things-BYU during the entire basketball game, my favorite part of the experience of sitting near you was the fact that you shared your opinions so openly and at such a volume. Because you know, I may not have understood that “THAT WAS TOTALLY A FOUL, LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT SITDOWN!” without it being yelled directly into my ear.

Also, I am so happy to know that Salt Lake City barely qualifies as a real town (being as it only has three buildings over ten stories high) and that the entire state of Utah is in fact a cesspool of uncultured, uneducated rednecks. So happy to have you here. May you be able to leave the torturous existence that is the Beehive State very, very soon.

Moreover, I was glad that I had the opportunity of learning about your hometown of Boston; until last night I was unaware that Boston boasted not only the best sports teams in country but is the seat of American democracy as we know it. I certainly feel more secure in the knowledge that the greatest minds of the past two hundred years are almost as important as the Red Sox, with God coming in at a close third.

Thank you so much for the opportunity of becoming a better person because I was able to sit near you. I now know that I should probably begin working on my resume of domestic skills, abilities that apparently have been sorely neglected in my “overall useless” pursuit of higher education. I guess I didn’t know that women were better suited to spend their time barefoot and pregnant than in the classroom or workplace. I was happy to hear that you and your wife are now expecting your third child, scheduled to arrive pretty near the end of your Junior year of an undergraduate degree. Congratulations and may your spawn be spared your wisdom and knowledge for many, many years.

Sincerely,

Lani