Teacher do

Just another rerun today, this time an education.com column from around this time last summer. Figured we could all use something to think about. :)

This column, titled "A Little To Do List," originally ran on August 5, 2008.

Down here in Texas, teachers are beginning to sweat a little bit. No, it's not because of the 108° temperature, it's due to the realization that there are only three weeks left until school starts again! What happened to the summer? What happened to all that free time? My house still needs cleaning, there are unread books on the table, and I never did make it out to Cici's Pizza to check on the kids.

I did get to enjoy my two vacation trips -- to Florida and to California -- and I even managed to squeeze in my continuing education classes! At least that's something I won't have to do over Thanksgiving break.

There still seems to be so much to do so, and three weeks seems like so little time. Teachers and students alike are probably running around like chickens with their heads cut off.

What to do? Where to begin? Don't worry, help is here. As a professional service, I've put together a little list that touches on the most important tasks and things that must be accomplished.

Start to recalibrate your sleep cycle -- If you're like me, you've spent the past couple of months going to bed at 3 a.m. and getting up at noon. That's just not going to fly during the school year. Use the next few weeks to gradually ease back into those early hours. Get up at 10 next week, get up at 8 the following week. Soon you'll be ready (or at least more prepared) for that painful 5:30 alarm bell.

Sharpen some pencils -- Would you rather sharpen 20 pencils a day for the next three weeks, or 420 pencils the day before school starts? Put on the Rocky theme song, and think of it as the teacher equivalent of drinking raw eggs and punching slabs of beef.

Get your Fantasy Football squad in order -- If you play fantasy football, you'll want to do all of your research and have your draft before you get bogged down in school activities. Choose wisely, and avoid those players likely to come down with torn hamstrings, high ankle sprains, and that most horrid of sports injuries -- lacerated buttocks.

Hit all of the bargain sales at local retailers -- If you work for a district where all school supplies are provided every year, good for you, go away. For the rest of us who have to plunk down our own money for much of our inventory, now is the time to catch these items cheap. Keep an eye out for teacher discounts at Office Max, Office Depot, and Office Office Office.

Visit a doctor -- Having your days free helps with scheduling appointments, but also, many school districts have benefits calendars that roll over on September 1. Schedule any necessary visits now, before your deductibles reset. I'm thinking about squeezing in stops to a plastic surgeon, an OB/GYN, and a veterinarian just to take advantage of my co-pay!

As you can see, if you follow this list, you'll be a happy camper come the first day of school. Now if I can just remember to set my alarm for 10:59 tomorrow...

America's Next Top Student

Class picture day is coming up for us this Monday, so I thought it might be a good time to dust off an old Mr. Teacher column from education.com. This column originally ran on December 25, 2007 here.

Like I told my kids yesterday, try to come to school looking your best! No shirts with hot cheeto stains, no holes in the armpits, no fishstick crumbs hanging from your eyebrows!

And follow the advice below!!
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My school district made the transition to standardized uniforms a couple of years ago, so all of the kids now wear white collared shirts, and blue or navy bottoms. But before that, the fashion statements varied widely.

There were of course the wacky outfits, the mismatched colors, and the unfortunate accessories. All of which can be excused because, after all, these are very young children we are talking about. However, there were several cases where I had to scratch my head and wonder how on earth the parents could let their child come to school dressed like that.

Adjectives can be fun. T-shirts that shout, "Awesome!", "Super!" , or "Rockin!” are great for children, but no one should ever wear any article of clothing that proclaims the wearer, "Juicy." Especially if this word is stitched across the rear end of a pair of sweat pants. That's just wrong, plain and simple.

Also in the category of incorrectness, third grade kids should not be wearing shirts to school that promote Hooters. I don't care how tasty their chicken wings are, or how pleasant the service, the connotations associated with such a shirt would most likely hinder the educational process. Save the Hooters shirts for the neighborhood birthday parties.

And while we're on the topic of insinuated body parts, let's try to keep the racy images to a minimum. When a child comes to school wearing a shirt depicting a bikini-clad woman of Pam Anderson-dimensions, it can be a huge distraction. For the male teachers, anyway.

I'm not going to make any suggestions in this forum as to when girls should begin wearing supporting undergarments. However, I will posit my opinion that no one under the age of 19 should sport the colored bra/translucent white shirt combo. If your daughter insists on wearing that red polka-dotted brassiere, then you need to insist that she wear three shirts on top of it.
Parents, you may have outgrown your “Mondale -- Ferraro ‘84” T-shirt, but please don't foist it on your middle schooler. They will be exposed to politics soon enough; let them enjoy this time of blissful ignorance.

Finally, we come to the ultimate fashion transgression. Before the dress code, the thing that disturbed me the most was seeing kids wearing North Carolina sports jerseys. This, quite frankly, is NEVER acceptable.

Parents, please take a look at your kids before they head off for school. Take a minute to review any pictures and words that you see. Demand a wardrobe change if necessary.

If they complain, you can always suggest that they save that particular outfit for their grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary later this year.

Farewell Mr. Teacher

If you read the title of this post and thought I was going somewhere, don't worry. My signoff here is MISTER Teacher, as opposed to the abbreviation. However, this week marks the last education.com column that will fall under the MR. Teacher heading. They have decided to discontinue the columns, but I will still be working for them, answering questions on their bulletin board instead.

This final column is titled, "Drill and Kill" and it is all about the excess of safety drills we have been having at our school lately. Unfortunately, the column is not up as of this writing, but I expect it will be soon.

Last night's Black History Month program went well. After just a bit of a rocky start -- I was handed a hand-written program, and frequent edits were made -- things went pretty smoothly. I think a good time was had by all, and nobody (read: ME) embarrassed themselves.

Short week? EGADS!

As we draw to the close of a 3-day school week (I know, teachers worked 4 days, but we only had the kids for 3 days), I present this week's Mr. Teacher column at education.com. Titled, "Those Short Weeks are Killers!" it's sort of a rehashing of one of my prior suggestions to trim the fat and extend the weekend. Jack Bauer fans would definitely approve.

Also in linkage news, this week's Carnival of Education is up and running at Teacher in a Strange Land. The theme for the Carnival this week is the Virtual Inaugural Balls, in deference to our 44th President's arrival. For some reason, I seem to have a certain AC/DC song stuck in my head.

Time for an update!

The in thing nowadays seems to be sending out a mass mailing with a personal update for the entire year, so I have officially jumped on the bandwagon and gotten with the program! Just in time for the year 2009, I present to you, friends, family, and random surfers:

The year 2008 in review -- Mister Teacher Style!

January -- The year 2008 began with a bang, as I watched a beaten, bloodied man single-handedly kill four criminals. Of course that's because we stopped Die Hard with a Vengeance at midnight to watch the ball drop and then finished the movie a few minutes later.

Texas's bizarre weather patterns held true to form in January as one morning saw us throwing snowballs at kids as they were dropped off at school, while the afternoon found us baking in 80° heat.

February -- On the 21st of this greatest of months, I turned the big 3-5. Par the course, I lost two toes, my waist increased 8 inches, and my kidneys fell out. That's normal, right?

On February 29 of this very special Leap Year, while using my Fisher-Price "My First Microscope," I discovered a new subatomic particle and named it the "Dude." Time to loosen up, Cal Tech nerds.

March -- As we bewore the Ides of March, my nephew Josh turned one and spoke his first word. We were all sitting around the TV, watching the March Madness tourney when Josh crawled over to the center of the room, pointed at the screen, and said, "Krzyzewski!" I love that kid.

March was the month I got rich, as I received e-mails informing me that I had won, in succession, the Irish National Lottery, the UK Lottery, AND pills to make part of me much larger! I have yet to actually see any money (or growth), but I remain an eternal optimist.

April -- During the first weekend of April, my dad and I drove down to San Antonio to attend the men's college basketball Final Four. Our seats were roughly a mile from the court; nevertheless, we were treated to the most beautiful sight of Kansas outrightly SPANKING the University of North Carolina. (Not to mention the beautiful sight of a certain redheaded cheerleader.) Kansas would go on to win the whole shebang -- in overtime no less -- so we really got the most for our ticket price.

Easter came, and with it the end of Lent. I had given up soft drinks, so after Mass on Easter Sunday, I drank approximately 10 gallons of Mountain Dew.

May -- On a particularly memorable Memorial Day, I wound up getting trapped in the bathroom at my parents' house! My nephew Ethan is the founding member of the local "Pee Pee Patrol," whose duties include waiting until someone is in the restroom and then banging on the door, rattling the doorknob, and shouting, "You Finished??" every three seconds.

On this special occasion, his efforts actually jammed the door shut, and I was locked in the bathroom for what seemed like six hours. I eventually wound up having to take the door off its hinges (with the aid of some tools passed to me under the door), but not before gnawing my elbows off from the hunger.

June -- In early June, a very long school year finally ended, and there was much rejoicing. As the final school bus rolled, some teachers were shooting off pistols into the air, while others loudly chanted, "NANANANA, NANANANA, HEYHEYHEY, GOODBYE!!"

A week later, I was a contestant on a brand new game show called Whatta Ya Think? a show combining memory skills, math reasoning, and logical deduction. Needless to say, I totally rocked the competition and won myself a year of free massages and vitamins. Unfortunately, this game show has yet to actually be televised, so no one can witness my mental domination.

My eyes remain on the ultimate goal. Jeopardy! You WILL be mine!!

July -- A very busy month! First, the family and I made a road trip to Destin, Florida to enjoy the sandy beaches, cool water, and orange Speedos. A few days after returning from Florida, I flew out to California with a buddy to attend San Diego's Comic-Con 2008. That was a lot of fun, as we got to see Stan Lee, the cast of Heroes, and about 25 Princess Leias in gold bikinis.

In the midst of all this chaos, I tried a new shampoo, and the right side tingled. That means it's working!

August -- In August, the unheard of was actually heard of! I met a good-looking girl my age at a staff development workshop! Well, the workshop was actually at the end of July, but we started dating in August. As I write this, it's almost January, and we're still going strong. I have yet to find the chance to sit her down and force her to watch any of the Star Wars movies, but the day will come. Watch them intently, she shall.

At the end of the month, the new school year began. I was pleasantly surprised to find myself with two classes of only 12 students each. Good thing, since my new classroom is roughly the size of an airport men's room (but smells slightly better).

September -- In August, fresh off my return from Comic-Con and facing an imminent return to academia, I decided to combine the two. The result was a YouTube video titled, "Darth Vader Explains the Pythagorean Theorem." In September, a writer at the online version of The London Times got a whiff of my project and began spreading the word around her tiny island. Almost overnight, the video went from 300 views to 30,000 views.

With results like that, I am almost forced to continue the streak with videos such as, "Han Solo Demonstrates a Fourier Transform" and, "Boba Fett Discusses Unified String Theory."

October -- October proved to be a crazy month as my employer, DISD, empirically showed the value of having a math education, or rather the consequences of NOT having one. Turns out, they had hired 700-some new teachers but neglected to include 700-some new salaries in the budget. Low and behold, they found themselves over $40 million in the hole! Their solution? Why, fire teachers, of course!

Thankfully, I survived the layoffs, but eight weeks into the school year, I found myself in a new class, with 41 new kids (including three who don't speak English), a new partner, and a new subject to teach. At least I didn't get moved to kindergarten! (It's not a tumor!)

This month also saw the one-year mile-marker for me as a columnist for Education.com. As a special surprise honor to commemorate the event, I treated myself to a Slurpee. Cherry!

November -- In November, my nephew Ethan turned four, and we were all invited to his themed birthday party. Adding the honorific, "Indiana Jones" to his name now brings it to, "Ethan Steele Pearson Spiderman Indiana Jones." Good luck, future teachers.

We opted not to do the Turkey Trot 5K this year, instead preferring to participate in the Turkey Sleep-in of '08. It was an overwhelming success.

November was a very good month for my book, Learn Me Good, as it sold 30 copies online and 40 or so copies off-line! We're still not as successful as Everybody Poops, but we're getting there!

December -- After having just been there in September, Mom and Dad got the urge to go back to Disney World and take the whole family. So I took three days off from school on the week before Christmas break, claiming temporary leprosy, and I went to the Happiest Place on Earth!

My two nephews had a blast meeting the costumed characters, and we had a blast watching their reactions. But I think we all know who the Little Mermaid was REALLY winking at.

Later in the month, we followed the usual -- the wildly popular Christmas movie marathon, a rousing midnight Mass (still at midnight!), and waking up Christmas afternoon to greet the day.

And that brings us up to speed! 2009 is right around the corner, with new adventures and experiences awaiting all of us!

Happy New Year to everyone!

Save a forest, use the back of the paper!

The good folks at education.com have moved my Mr. Teacher column to Thursday, beginning this week! So if you were wondering why it wasn't up on Tuesday, now you know! This week's column is titled, "Roughing It in the Woods," and it's a summarization of some writing assignments I did with my former students. We had been talking about forest ecosystems, and they wrote some pretty funny things about their imaginary forest homes.

On the same topic, what is up with kids not understanding that they can and should use the BACK of a piece of paper?? Every day, I have to struggle with the kids to make them use the back of the page! Yesterday, a girl turned in her homework with THREE extra sheets of notebook paper that she had done her work on. The back of the original homework sheet was completely blank, there were about 5 problems on the front of each sheet of paper, except for the third, which had 2. What a waste!!

Storm troopers tattling on Spiderman?

Hey everyone,

I am finally back in Texas after my whirlwind tour of both coasts. I can't say that the 100 plus degree weather is exactly a welcome thing.

First off, let me direct everyone's attention toward this week's Mr. Teacher column on education.com, which was written with the help a lot of other teachers. Thank you to everyone who responded to my post from a couple of weeks ago asking about how you handled tattling. The column this week is a nice mash up of everyone's strategies and techniques. Definitely some things to try there.

Now let's get to the good stuff! I had a BLAST in San Diego at this year's Comic-Con! My buddy and I got up real early on Wednesday morning to get to the airport for our flight. The good folks at the security terminal saw fit to confiscate a couple of the items from my toiletries kit, and that put me in a bit of a foul mood. The containers that my shaving gel and hair gel were in were too large to be allowed through the terminal, so I had to relinquish them. When I asked why, the girl said, "It could be a bomb."

I had to bite back a few replies to that one. The first was, "You mean DA BOMB! As in, that hair gel makes me DA BOMB all up in here!"

My second unstated reply was to question why they think that terrorists are incapable of bringing liquids through in tiny containers and mixing them together.

We landed in San Diego, and the weather was fantastic. When we left Dallas, the temperature was 102°. In California, we stepped out to 71°. Ask any of my kids, and they would tell you that was a temperature difference of 173°!

Wednesday night was the "preview night" for the Comic-Con, so we got to check out the exhibit floor a little earlier than some people. It was just my buddy and me and about 20,000 of our closest friends.

We walked the exhibit floor and saw hundreds and hundreds of booths and displays. There were comic books, there were movies, there were spaceships, there were people in costume. It was fantastic.

I got to meet the Black Cat.

I got to see a Cylon!

I got to meet The Cheerleader (well sort of, anyway).

Tomorrow, I'll write about Day 2!

Semi-profesional development

This week's Mr. Teacher column on education.com is about something that is familiar to anyone who is a teacher.

Continuing education. Professional development. Boring summer classes. Whatever you want to call them, they are the required hours for the privilege of keeping your teacher certification.

Why is it though that teachers in those classes tend to act like the trouble students that we complain about?

Check it out, and see if you agree with my assessment.

Return of the Sequel, Part 2!

This week's Mr. Teacher column on education.com is a sequel of sorts. The response to my ideas back in January for the Hollywood writers' strike was very positive, so I came up with a few more ideas for movies and television shows, all teacher-related of course.

Grab some popcorn, find your comfiest chair, and check out the column over on education.com!

Everything I need to know in life, I learned from Captain America

I saw the new movie Ironman over the weekend, and it was spectacular! From the previews I had seen, I was very excited to see it, and I already thought it was going to be super cool, but it greatly exceeded my expectations. It had a great story, great special effects, lots of action, some very humorous moments throughout, and it was all about one of my favorite topics -- superheroes!

Seeing Ironman -- coupled with the fact that my unwritten topic list already included a column about kids and comic books -- inspired me to write today's Mr. Teacher column over on education.com. I could talk for hours about comic books and superheroes, but I kept the focus of this column on the benefits kids can obtain by reading comic books.

Check it out, and until later,

Excelsior!!

And now we wait

My kids took the math test today. I really have no idea how they did. I can make a few guesses based on the sheet of paper where they signed their names and wrote down what time they handed the test in, though.

Let's just say I'm not too pleased with a few of my kids who turned their test in before lunch.

But anyway, moving on. This week's Mr. Teacher column on education.com looks at the lighter side of state standardized testing. I had my kids write down some of their thoughts about the Texas test. There are a few humorous observations.

And, for those of you who are looking for reasons to continue drawing breath, please allow me to present reason number one to keep living:

Ed U Cater and Simply Sublime are finally blogging again!!!

Filled to capacity

This week's Mr. Teacher column on education.com is all about my experiences with teaching liquid capacity to my kids a few weeks ago. Liters, milliliters, pints, quarts, etc, etc. I gave them assignment and got some pretty interesting results. Go check it out!

Geometry getting you down?

This week's Mr. Teacher column on education.com is all about the perils and pitfalls of third grade geometry. I'm not even talking about proofs and theorems and complementary angles or insulting angles! Just the ability to name two and three dimensional shapes often escapes my students.

I especially love it when I ask a child, "What shape is this?" and they reply, "polygon." Sure, in the Cliff Claven, Who are three people that have never been in my kitchen before sense of the question -- it's technically correct. But that's like someone pointing at Lassie and asking, "What kind of dog is she?" and you replying, "mammal."

Bring out your Newcomers

Do you have any Newcomer classes at your school? In Dallas, we get so many kids from out of the country who speak a language OTHER than Spanish that we had to form new classes specifically for them. Thus was born the Newcomer class.

In today's Mr. Teacher column on education.com, I talk a little bit about the Newcomer classes at my school. It's a little bit of a change of pace from my usual humorous banter, but I think still an interesting read.

Also, this is the very last call for submissions for tomorrow's Carnival of Education. I'm still waiting for entries from a lot of you -- Mrs. T., Happychyk, Ms. C, Simply Sublime, Mrs. Bluebird -- let's get 'em in for the nine o'clock CST deadline tonight!

TAKS and the cover-up

Tomorrow is TAKS day, and today's Mr. Teacher column over on education.com is all about the rigamorale that everyone has to go through to get ready and administer the test.

'Nuff said.

Thought I might rerun a column from last year where I sent an imaginary letter to the district about our pre-test prep. Enjoy.

Dear District Personnel:

I began covering aspects of my room today, per instructions for TAKS administrations, but I have begun to realize how futile my efforts are. You see, if I am to remove all the visual aids that might unfairly help my kids during the test, it's not enough for me to merely place construction paper over my number line (so that the kids will not be able to look up and see what number comes after 42) or over my Word Wall (so that the kids will not be reminded of the proper spelling of the word "cylinder" -- even though any question relating to a cylinder will already have the word right there).Verily, even covering up my Classroom Rules, which, granted, ARE mathematically numbered from one to five, or covering up my cursive alphabet strips (I guess so that kids will remember to PRINT their extra work, instead of handwriting it?) is not sufficient!

You see, there are many more things in the classroom environment that might help them on the test. For instance, a child may glance up from his/her exam and notice the shades on the windows. The shades can be pulled up or pulled down, and thinking about these options might remind the child of estimation, where they are required to round up and round down. These shades will need to be removed immediately. Also, the ceiling tiles in my classroom are square in shape AND are arranged in a geometric pattern. I would absolutely hate for a test monitor to enter my room and see how easily a student could be reminded of such topics by simply looking up. I would like to request that my ceiling be removed before the test tomorrow, or at the very least, that a large tarp is provided to cover the tiles.

My third graders go to lunch every day at the same time. They already know when lunch will be served, and they will be constantly thinking throughout the day about how much time they have left until lunch! Do you agree with me that this is a constant reminder of elapsed time? I suggest that no lunch is served on TAKS days, or if that is not possible, that the time to eat is chosen completely at random. Maybe they'll eat at 8:43, maybe they'll eat at 1:59. Oh, and we should also send the kids home at separate times; perhaps some sort of lottery system could be put into play?

Earlier in the year, when we talked about measurement and units of length, we associated each unit of length with a part of the body. An inch is about the length from the tip of the thumb to the first knuckle. A foot is about the length from the elbow to the wrist. I am sad to report that all of the children in my class this year are in possession of thumbs, elbows, and wrists, and this will undoubtedly assist these children in any measurement questions that might arise on the TAKS. I feel that the child's OWN body parts are acceptable help, but other children in the room will be unacceptable visual reminders. Therefore, we will need to administer the TAKS to each child separately, with no other human beings in the room.

Actually, it occurs to me that the classroom itself is a rectangular prism. What can we do about putting each child into an amorphous physical structure?Thanks for taking all of these things into consideration. If you could have some answers back to me by tomorrow morning, I would greatly appreciate it. Otherwise, will have to implement these things next year.

Your loyal servant,

Mister Teacher

You mean I have to schedule?

This week's Mr. Teacher column over on education.com is all about lesson plans. You know what I'm talking about. If you work in my district, you can relate to the excess paperwork that we're dealing with here. If you work in another district, you might have very similar stories.

And of course, they keep telling us that next year, even MORE detail will be required...

Stop by, leave a comment, etc.

Why won't my seeds sprout??

This week's topic of the Mr. Teacher column over on education.com is related to one of our early science projects that we do every year. In studying plants and seeds, we try to observe how seeds sprout. Notice I say "try" because my seeds never seem to sprout as they're supposed to.

Please take a trip over to education.com and check out the full article here!

Boo-Yah!!

This week's Mr. Teacher column on education.com is all about integrating sports into the classroom. I'm not talking about handing out hockey equipment and asking the kids to high stick each other, but rather attempts to tailor lesson plans to fit sports interests.

Of course, I reference Placeball and March Mathness. There are even a few new suggestions in there. And if I've missed something, please feel free to leave me a comment there on the education.com web site!

Phineus left a hilarious comment already:

"How about an American Gladiator style, you answered wrong to 8 times 8 -- get in the gauntlet, Jimmy. Go."

The most important meal of the day

This week's Mr. Teacher column over on education.com is all about my school's recent decision to move breakfast from the cafeteria to the classroom. We've been doing it for a couple of months now, and overall, I'd say the response has been tepid at best.

Read all about it over at education.com!

In other news, my partner officially has the flu (strain B), and I went to the doc's today and got prescriptions for flu medication (just in case) and pills that will hopefully give me my voice back before my honor society talk on Thursday night! Fingers crossed, please!

Where are your glasses?

This week's Mr. Teacher column over on education.com is all about those kids who are supposed to wear glasses, but don't. You know what I'm talking about.

There are some pretty cool styles of glasses out there nowadays! It's not like today's kids are wearing 3 inch thick coke bottle specs. But some of them would just rather have blurry vision I guess.

Anyway, check it out and leave some feedback!