Review: 2010

The year went back much quicker than I expected. I would have described the past 365 days as range-bound, mildly entertaining but nothing spectacular. What happened then?

Got myself a new team at work that provided me with much to whine about, got "promoted" within a few months, went on a couple of short business trips, fished on some weekends (with some funny videos of me floating around), got a new hobby (and lots of bruises), shot some pictures, kept my weight in check (what a battle!), played around in two new programming languages, went on a couple of wild(ly funny) nights with the buddies (lots of epic stories there) and laid a lot of plans for the future.

In the coming months, I sense a breakout trade brewing: possibly on the upside. Many things are coming round now, possible exits lay on the career front and basically that's it. Whole mind, body and soul focused on a pinpoint. Nope, nothing exciting, nothing out of the ordinary but I just have that inkling that 2011 will be the beginnings of something amazing. 2010 was 'pivotal' as I wrote about it a year ago. Once again, here's bidding you, my dear friend, a mind-blowing 2011; some of you may fall in love, get married, buy properties/cars, change your job, achieve superhuman feats, move out of the country. Whatever it is that you do, you will know that I'm always here for you.

Much love.

Treachery!

I know it ain't cool to post two consecutive writings on dreams as only boring people tell others about their night time adventures in bed. But I can't help that I don't have the time to write this down in my dream journal.

So here goes last night's:
A group of people surviving a holocaust of sorts. Blood disease that causes people to puke blood all over the walls. Was in the toilet looking at scrawlings all over the cubicle. Words do not make sense, most of it juvenile. Exit toilet to look at group - some scrubbing the walls, others working on an inflatable dome. Talked but realized I was walking into a trap. Rest was forgotten.

Nightmare

A four-level dreamscape that left me really frightened. Hadn't been in such a lucid dream state for months.

Started off in a dark industrial warehouse. Can't remember purpose of being there. Then there was a sudden intrusion of a presence. Took the large goods lift up to the top level, when the doors opened, I was facing a black figure, knife in hand. Hairs stood on ends, decided to quickly escape. Could feel the thing following behind, ran down the corridors and stairs. What happened next was unclear but managed to survive the night. Quite certain some form of fight ensued, origins of presence discovered - spirit of a depraved serial killer.

Transition into next part, out with friends walking somewhere bright. Someone in front had a tattoo on her back, commented that I should get one for protection. Perhaps the ouroboros or my protective emblem. Ended up near some shops, friends disappeared. Felt a strong uneasiness from corner of the watch shop. Couldn't see what it was but it was small in stature. Walked away, ended up in an arcade of sorts, put in coin for a game, left halfway only to see a familiar face occupying my seat. Hello, haven't seen you in a while. You're in danger, he said, your fires aren't burning as brightly as before. Remember the presence you felt in the shop? It's a child-spirit, he knows you can sense him, you were always able to attract these spirits because of who you are. I looked at the machine's screen, a continue screen was counting down. Come on, let's get out of here. I'll protect you for now.

Joined a table of executives at the coffee house. Welcome, the head said. We're playing a game here, it'd make you the best salesman in that world and Ours. If you do well, we might even hire you. A colleague was there, so I sat beside him, curious but not gonna participate. I just watched them, middle-aged men and some women, eager to play the game. Not feeling too good, I decided to leave, told my colleague and walked away. He followed and I asked which company was this? Mentioned a brand name and I merely nodded. Walked past the watch shop again, and I could see the child-spirit. Skinny, no clothes on or what seems to be a skin-colored full body suit. White circle painted on face (or it was its true face), looking and following my step. It knew I could see him, hurried away, almost running, in front another one sat looking at the floor. Damn it, run faster!

Then it was dark. Woke up, 0630 hundred hours, almost day-break and time to get up. Afraid to reenter the dream.

And I drifted off.

Shaman-cousin was talking to me. I told you that your fires weren't burning bright enough, you haven't visited me in a while you know. Traveling in the back of a van, thinking, he looked different, like smaller and rounder features. Turned my head to look at the phone, why didn't I call for help? He said he sensed that I was in trouble that's why he came. Remember the warehouse? You brought him out. Then he disappeared. I realized suddenly that this wasn't him. Why didn't he call? I tried, no answer. Him in the arcade, him beside me now, two different entities. Fuck. I need help, how? Prayed...prayed, I forgot the Lord's prayer. Run...but where? Stuck in the dark moving van, was it really a van? Images of child-spirit resurfaced, what did I do in the day to activate these?

And then it was bright in the room, I was exhausted. Time to work but remember to write this down.

Cartoon Memories

Gripped by a strange urge, I decided to turn to the Internet in search of some memories of my childhood. And I discovered lists upon lists of cartoons that I watched while growing up, accompanied by pictures of toys I had and wish I had.

G.I. Joe reminded me of dinner with baked beans and RTV2 where it played every night at 7pm. Transformers (and its horrible modern day incarnate) was a Saturday affair, I was really jealous when my cousin got an Optimus Prime. I only had the stupid Bumblebee. Also fondly remember watching Thundercats, although I did not understand a word they said. Oh, I forgot to mention that back before I entered primary one, I could hardly speak English. I remember taking my first doses of caffeine on Sundays, when Smurfs played on the TV. Possibly other (obscure) favorites were Dungeons and Dragons, M.A.S.K., Count Duckula, He-Man...and *gasp* I chanced upon the Visionaries, one of my favorite cartoons of all times. I remember the action figures with holograms on their chest! (Seems like it only had a run of 13 episodes.)

Looking at what my memory retained, it seems like I was very much your typical boy, playing with his action figures and inventing lots of alternate story lines. Sometimes, you only have vague wisps of the past to keep you occupied at night.

Geek Boy Smiles

Got hold on some data files that needed cleaning: a simple replacement of date format. Problem was that I had about 100+ files for just one folder alone... Sometime ago, I would have manually copied each file into Excel, used some logical expressions to get what I want, copy it into a new file and repeat.

Instead of this tedious task (I'm lazy after all), I decided to make use of my new Python skills to accomplish the same task. It's something I have done before in C++ or C# but I really wanted to see how Python differs. So I spent some time writing 33 lines of (inefficient) code and it ran smoothly (after some hiccups, especially with the indentations).

And in less than 0.3 seconds, all 100+ files were cleaned up in the exact format I wanted. *big smile*

Now I just need to run the different files in R to do some statistical analysis on them. :D

This is what I call a very progressive weekend. Give me a little more time and I would have some amazing programs written to combine the excellent powers of both Python and R. Best thing of all: it's cross platform and free.

Boxing Day

Early morning (almost lunch); usual breakfast at coffee shop, listening to middle-aged men talking about their birds. Pet birds, those that you keep in cages and bring out every Sunday to hang at void decks, letting them pelt their love songs to the chagrin of neighboring homes.

Someone spoke of training his parrot to say good morning every time he returns home. He named it Dinosaur and it would say, "Dinosaur, good morning!" Another quipped that he shouldn't have taught him to say that, instead he should have taught the bird to say, "Yan dao, good morning!"

I have a few things to accomplish today yet I'm defeated before I even started. It seems to be the same thing every time, too much information, unsure of where to begin. One of next year's goals is for implementation. And that's how I need to shape out around here, too much things floating in the head, not enough doing. So I gotta begin, hacking it, bit by bit.

Men from past ages searched for the Holy Grail, and in my own way, I am doing the same thing. I have realized the paradox I live in: more analysis does not equate to success. Need to get your hands dirty, one lot at a time.

Hey-o, silver! Let's rock.

Missed Calls

Festive jeers.

Refusal. High.

Spinning. Not fast enough.

Turning. Too slow.

Flipping. Great.

I do not understand.

Four digits, three hundred sixty five more days.

Three hundred sixty five more chances.

To make each day a good one.

Stay sober. Stay focused.

Hunted

So I received yet another call today. Totally sent me off the rails as I analyzed the situation, thinking if I should even try for the opportunity. Scope doesn't fit into what I want to do ultimately, in fact, it consists of things that I currently hate to do.

As an old friend said, "No harm trying! I have been there before and really, at our age, we should be open to opportunities and not shut things out."

At least I'd be raking in more and would be exposed to new things, with a brand name attached. (Assuming all goes well.)

So I sent my reply, not with a lot of hope but it is an exit nonetheless.

Coffee Houses, Bars and Road Stalls

Next year, I promise to myself to take a trip out of the country, to a place that I have never been. This year, I did not travel to anywhere besides for work. The wanderlust burns strongly within.

Sometime next year, maybe after April or June (or earlier, like February), I would find myself sitting in a crowded coffee house, downing copious amounts of coffee, writing furiously, thinking deeply and breathing in life.

This time round, at least I can afford a class above 'budget' accommodations.

Somehow, I think 2011 will be the start of a very interesting decade; one where I put the past behind and forge ahead. It will be what journalists would term a 'watershed' year.

Funny though, I think I said the same thing about 2010. Whilst it was interesting (monotonous at parts), I would say that a lot of groundwork had been covered in the past 11 months.

Novelties

Started playing with R the past few days and I'm blown by the simplicity of having such a complex tools in one's hands. My statistical grounding is weak but I think it's sufficient for what I'm trying to study now...and I must say, I'm enjoying myself. Maybe it's the novelty of having a new toy and being able to do tasks that would have been tedious in excel with a few lines of code (after many hours of reading manuals, tinkering, experimenting).

Also, I have started something that I have been wanting to do a long time ago. A great de-stressor and really burns loads of calories.

Panache

"I'm looking for someone who is smarter than me, able to do things better, handle all the rest of the work I don't want to do. Basically, I want the person to make more money than me and make me richer."

"You're looking at this person; he's standing in front of you."

Foolishness or bravery?

I Guess

That I was never the adventurous type. All these "dreams" of getting out but going nowhere because I'm afraid of change; hating changes in my routines; inability to fit in anywhere on a social curve.

I'm hungry at the dot of midnight. I only ate a red bean bao for dinner. Gee.

Orange Moon

Suddenly I remembered the reflection of the giant orange moon I saw two weeks ago in the cab's rear view mirror.

It was huge, like a humongous pimply mandarin orange hanging above the horizon.

Then the taxi driver rambled about picking up customers on Fridays. He told me the story of a guy who started sobbing at the back when this song came on the radio.

Sometimes, taking cab rides is like a visit to a shrink. You can talk about anything under the sun and they will only know you as the person who dropped at the bus stop after the first junction.

Train Conversations

Just the other day I overheard (ok fine, eavesdropped) on this conversation between two girls on the train.

A: You know, I'm getting frustrated with my boyfriend. He lacks ambition, doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. I mean, he does have a good job in the bank.

B: Is that a bad thing at all?

A: He's 26! I mean, I like that dreamy part of him but sometimes it irks me when he doesn't have that drive.

B: Then what does he do most of the time?

A: I don't know, bum around, watch his shows and goes to work. He has some dreams but he doesn't really pursue them.

B: Well, sounds better than my boyfriend. He is doing okay at work but I don't think we have got enough to settle down yet.

A: Settle down?

B: (With some irritation, possibly because she noticed me listening) You know, settling down, getting married.

A: You mean both your incomes are not sufficient?

B: No way. You gotta pay for the flat and other things, it's so hard on our 2k plus salaries.

A: Oh. Anyway, I have been thinking about my next step. Maybe I should go try and apply for graduate school, you know, I really like studying and all. And in grad school, imagine this - you're sheltered by the school, they pay you to do research, it's a really good deal!

B: Haha, I think it suits you fine. Hey, our stop! Let's get off now.

And that was that. A conversation that lasted four MRT stations and totally summarized what I think the average twenty-something female is concerned with.

Afternoon Beer

Took leave the entire week for the little sit-down exam on Sunday. Sneaked out for beer with an old friend by the river. It was a really warm day and the beer was bitter. I was trying very hard to remember when was the last time I had afternoon beer and I remembered a distinct session with another dear friend right at the end of our year 3 examinations. Those were good times.

Another time was when we just finished army and all of us gathered at the same place, drinking and celebrating our new found freedom. Met some of them last week at a short session back in camp; some got married, some bought cars, others...seem to have not changed.

Anyway, I'm digressing here. There was this other bunch of young(er) looking people out for their beers too. I watched them as they gathered around smoking, five guys and a girl. They seem to be in a happy place, right after exams perhaps, and an entire month of fun to look forward to. I miss those times. Then as everyone went back, this guy and the girl walked off into the distance and made out by the river. Ah, young love. She seemed to be really enamored by him but strangely, they did not hold hands when they walked back.

My friend talked about her new start in London. Her current life and just rambled about lots of rich sounding names that I should know but I don't. I spotted some stuff in her hair and said she lost so much weight that her head looked too big for her body. Old friends, that's when you can be really honest with each other. I seriously wonder what will happen in three decades, all of us wrinkly (hopefully not flabby) and recall this random afternoon beer.

Old Men

Had a fortunate encounter with an older gentleman today. He was a prospect who walked in through the front door asking for help. He was telling about how he is planning his estate and asked lots of legal-related questions. Thankfully, I wasn't very fazed by that. What surprised me the most was that he said he was literally shopping around the world looking for a place to retire.

At first, he wanted to retire in Chiang Mai (where he is currently at) but when he visited Singapore, he decided that this was the place. Streets are clean, it's safe, infrastructure's good etc cetera; things we take for granted.

We also talked and joked at lengths about his life. Here he was, a sixty-three year old man, retired with at least US$25 million sitting in various asset classes. He taught me about how the US government would take 55% estate tax in the event that he passed away, even though he was not a citizen but had assets there. He mentioned how he sought all those tax lawyers (crooks!) and he finally arrived at the best solution. There's a reason why tax havens, money centers and the entire ecosystem exist.

We talked about quite a lot of things and he said he liked me, maybe because we were such straight talking fellas with no pretenses. And he reminded me of another elderly client of mine from South Africa, who actually listens and is thankful for my service. Anyway, I asked him wholeheartedly how he managed to accumulate his wealth and he said, "Hard work. I started out from nothing, I'm not really that rich but I worked for everything myself. And don't let someone telling you about quick ways to riches fool you. It's the surest path to ruination." However, during some part of the conversation, he did mention that there is no problem that money can't solve.

This brief encounter did set me thinking. While retirement is years and years away, I hope that it would be like that. The ability to see the world, live in different places ("I've been to Rome, Milan, London, San Francisco, New York, all these great cities but I think Singapore's the best!"), do whatever I want ("Don't think that retirement means I've got nothing to do. You've got so many things to do and before you know it, the day is over!") and know that I've lived a life worth living.

Well, till then...I have to work, work doubly hard, triply hard.

Running Out of Time

I still have the following things to accomplish on my to-do list:
1. Finish preparing for that exam
2. Get started on learning Python
i. Then learn R
ii. Then integrate Python and R into an über cool statistical analytics program
iii. Backtest some ideas that I have written in my many notebooks
3. Finish my secret project (only possible after item 1 is done)
4. Plan for next year's holiday
5. Read the books piling up under my bed
6. Rearrange and organize the films under my bed
7. Clean area under bed
8. Write those short stories ideas in my many notebooks

Holy schmucks. There ain't enough time on weekends, y'all know.

Needless

Suddenly you realize that endless paper chase doesn't really end. Table lamp shining across the stacks of notes, books and pens. And the hopelessness of it all.

A weekend spent holing up, catching up on eluded sleep and an empty gnawing emptiness.

What is this life if it's not to be lived?

Monday swings around and we're back on the routine. Ding dong, please move in. Endless streams of corpses packed in moving caskets.

Quietly, I rummage.

Press Reset

Two days ago, I finally visited the bonesetter. A close friend recommended him, saying how I would be fixed. An hour of pain later, I found myself unable to walk but my spine seemed to curve in a more natural way. I still can't walk properly now but I think eventually, I will be able to touch my toes.

Today, I finally confronted my department head and lamented about the desk. He was also swamped with work but he agreed with me that it was time he stepped in. How could the lowest paid guy be placed in charge?

Last Thursday, I met some juniors from school. While I complained, one told me about a paper she read on unhappiness at work. Most often, it's caused by peer comparison, those who knew what they others were paid. Maybe I only have my own curiosity to blame but still, I think fairness is due.

I suddenly had a desire to bring the family on a overseas trip. It's been almost never since we all went on a holiday. Then again, I thought it wouldn't be fun since familiarity bred contempt and we would probably be fighting all the time. But I really wished I had more money to pay for a trip, just the four of us and enjoy the semblance of the unit we are.

Apart

Two little girls standing opposite each other. A shy wave from one, a quick yelp from the other. Parents and grandparents acknowledge each other's existence but quickly depart in separate directions.

Twenty years down the road; brief encounter forgotten. The two girls meet by chance. Under this circumstance, there remains no friendship but animosity - for one has just stolen the other's boy.

Late Night DJ

Those songs you played were the ones that I listened to when my heart was broken.

Unbalanced brain chemistry.

And I burrow deeper into my book (revision of statistics and probability).

A sigh of exasperation, a sign of desperation.

Rant Tramp

Bumped into ex-boss and colleague (now his spouse) yesterday at the gym. We went for dinner and had a long conversation. Things have shifted seismically after they left: can't go much into details but it absolutely sucks. Working with a bunch of people who are too afraid to make decisions, who hem and haw at every step. Pisses the shit out of me.

Growl.

Anyway, there were lots of pointers to think about, on people management, work related issues, career path etc.

Absolutely glad I bumped into them.

Came to work slightly renewed but by evening time, my anger was off the charts.

But I shall remember that I've been doing and I shall keep doing it, not end up becoming part of the detritus.

Soonest But Never Soon Enough

Tuesday morning. Went in late, terribly riled up, bunch of stuff to handle and blew my top. People need to learn. And as the lowest paid, I shouldn't even be the de facto leader. Then again, life ain't fair. Good bye people, I am searching for my escape.

Early morning he sent me a message. "Never receive sms today."

I did send it, late last night after twelve, wishing him happy birthday and a promise to bring him to eat fish head this weekend.

"I sent to your other phone," I messaged back.

"Thanks."

That was it, an expression of modern day love, of family ties and whatever is left over. I guess other people have it worse.

Late night, an abandonment of my plans to study. Stared at the idiot tube to unwind. The latest episodes of bootlegged TV - Friends for the 2010s (HIMYM), a serial killer (Dexter) and post-apocalyptic zombie series (The Walking Dead). I'm compulsive that way, can't stop once I pop.

The deepest thought? Whether I'll survive a zombie holocaust. Will you?

Hungry Munchies

Getting the terrible munchies and getting all random and long-winded, especially on my FB status updates.

Anyway, who are you, mysterious visitor from France?!

I'm so freakin' flyin' random..it's hard to imagine what goes on in my brain - from twitter to fb to blogger to google buzz.

Holy moly, my friends think I'm very free at work!

Ode To A Stranger

Hello you.

In darkened halls we meet, bright screen illuminating your features.

All I see; nothing much but a slight hint of your smile.

A flick of your hair.

I knew I knew you from somewhere, maybe nowhere.

Hello you.

The curvature of your shoulders, back slightly hunched.

I don't know you and you don't know me.

No impression.

Just wishful thinking.

Hello you.

Amnesia

Starting to forget many things.

Brain filled to the brim with too much information humanly possible.

Fade out into nihility.

Grasping fingers, finding no air.

I forget about many things, things that ought to be important.

But I remember digits, anchoring numbers, never exact.

3-mth Sibor is 0.44 now. 3-mth Libor is 0.29.

I forgot about you.

Apple Tree

Sitting in the car, I told him about the horrendous week at work and how at the end of it, I told my boss sharply that it wasn't my job when I was stuck in a difficult position.

Truth is, it really ain't.

Not to mention the horrendously low pay cheque and how it warped my sense of self-worth.

He smiled, mouth arching the usual way when he recalled something funny. "You know, when I was around your age, I was in a similar situation. I told my boss then to fuck off. I was quite the ruffian (guai lan, in his words). After that, I thought I was going to be sacked but instead I got an increment instead."

And that made me laugh, how he and I were so alike. And as they say, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Swing

Up and down. A grandfather and his two grandsons, holding onto their toy guns.

A balding man, doing situps, body shaming someone half his age.

An Indian worker, wrapped in a towel, fresh out of the shower. "You cannot run there!" he shouted, pointing at a gate, path beyond devoid of street lamps.

Another blood blister, another painful day of existence.

Junkie

He said, "You're a junkie, you know that right?"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"We all are junkies. We are photographers, well, you were. Now you get your fix through the markets."

Sitting on the rooftop parapet, I looked at the expanse of the city skyline; the ferris wheel, the ancestral tablet, whiffs of shisha smoke wafting up from the street below and neon lights flashing into the night sky.

And I pondered upon our fucked up existence, him and his self-loathing, self-destructive ways, and how similar we were. Life will take us places, me, my pride, avarice, wrath and pain.

High on adrenaline daily, I guess it lessens the pain somewhat.

Moving Images

Time moving too fast and slow at the same time.

The crunch of not making enough to satiate.

A side of my salesman-ship reveberating across random encounters.

Call from a headhunter and maybe a chance of jumping ahead.

The Artist's Sole

Spent the past three weeks shooting a personal project. Took time off work, which was much welcome. Walked through some interesting areas in Singapore, got chased by monkeys, grew callouses on my soles, saw some impressive sights and got lost walking. The final piece is still raw but could possibly provide the beginnings of a long term project.

Finished reading Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five within 3 days. Was amazed at how he managed to paint such a humorous picture of his dark past, infusing the pages with idiosyncratic characters and dialogue. Made me ponder about the artist's soul, how one can implant it into one's works.

The workshop's instructor, a German photographer, typically spends up to 8 years on a project. That is an impressive amount of time to be obsessed with something, which I find myself unable to do. I asked how he managed to keep up with his interest and he said that the more he shot a particular a subject, the deeper he found himself and he just kept shooting. The projects never truly end, he puts them aside, shoot something else and return. That is some compulsive behavior. (well, he was from the famous Dusseldorf school and mentored under the Bechers - the maestros of taxonomic photography)

I ponder about my own approach to my art and am glad I don't have to use what I love as a means of making money. While my world revolves around the markets, which I also deeply adore, photography is the window to my soul.

Hopping Around

Can't believe it's been two years since the photography festival was in town. I remember being a wide-eyed child at the opening then, determined to survive that career, socializing, meeting important people and hoping for that big break.

We all know how that ended up. But I have no regrets, it was one of the more memorable times in my life.

Met a mentor who teaches here at the event. He poisoned me talking about an adaptor that I could use for my old (30-yo) lenses on my new (<1yo) digital camera and the incredible images out of a medium-format range-finder to replace the tank I bring around these days. Then we talked about my day-job, how school was much better and the need to carry on shooting.

Don't stop he says because you will find yourself losing it bit by bit. And it was true. Prior to getting my act together, things were getting bleaker and I seemed to have lost a part of me. "You have to constantly give yourself projects to shoot, even I recently gave myself another project to work on." Such was the dedication to one's craft. I really enjoyed that little boost in morale, it made my money-grubbing dreams look so distant for a short while.

Saw a lot of old faces, talked to many people, your usual social smooching which I seemed to have developed a penchant for lately. I cannot imagine how awkward I was those many months ago, standing by the corner, sipping my drink and hoping not to talk to anyone.

Came back, uploaded the pictures I shot at the wedding on Sunday and the scans for my current project (damn it, I have to reshoot as there is a horrible light leak on my film back). Contemplating on how much more money I'd spend, yet the inner spark is brighter, making everything feel worthwhile.

And life seems so much more bearable, despite the routine and the train-is-coming chime every single morning.

Steam Ironing

Nothing sets one's life more in perspective than ironing clothes on a Saturday evening - clothes meant for a buddy's wedding tomorrow. This year alone, various friends from different stages of my life have engaged themselves in their own holy matrimonies: from secondary school, junior college and army. While trying my best to remove the stubborn wrinkles on my shirt, it struck me how fast life has moved on (or how slow my cognitive skills are).

Ten years ago, we were on the cusp of leaving our painful adolescence behind, getting psyched up to finish our O's and preparing to enter our "dream" colleges. The ensuing two years were filled with too much horror and angst than my young heart could take, followed by another two and a half years of servitude. Such emotional trauma!

And to think that the friends from then have chosen the right one to begin a new phase in their lives. It heartens my dark (ok, no longer dark, more like dim) existence. I really do feel happy for them, yet it is a step that I doubt I will take till things stabilize further in my life. Heck, I'm not even ready to begin a relationship with anyone yet. A friend's fiance (damn!) said I was too choosy but I do know that I just cannot bear to open up again - to put someone up to the hurt that I will eventually cause ways and/or to compromise on my values and time.

Perhaps one day these things will change but right now, all I want to do is to focus on getting the career path going right. Things haven't been so smooth at work, I've been staging invisible passive aggressive mini-riots, hoping desperately to improve my lot (maybe elsewhere...most likely elsewhere). Some things I'm thankful for but a passage from Atlas Shrugged struck me so hard in my head that it sent me spinning for quite a while (originally I wanted to write about my reformed philosophy but ironing made me think about the more touchy topic on relationships).

Quoting Ayn Rand:

Productiveness is your acceptance of morality, your recognition of the fact that you choose to live - that productive work is the process by which man's consciousness controls his existence...that nothing more is possible to you and nothing less is human - that to cheat your way into a job bigger than your mind can handle is to become a fear-corroded ape on borrowed motions and borrowed time, and to settle down into a job that requires less than your mind's full capacity is to cut your motor and sentence yourself to another kind of motion: decay - that your work is the process of achieving your values, and to lose your ambition for values is to lose your ambition to live.

That is why I choose to continue on this path, to seek the beginnings of something within me, to light the way for the future, to lay the foundations of my empire.

I must however, add that, it does pain me a little not to have someone to partake in intellectual banters, laugh at sappy romcoms, eat ice-cream out of a tub, explore new lands and do other more mundane couple stuff.

Human Nature

Caught an episode of Survivor on tv and something leapt out at me. This is the season where they split the teams by age (how many seasons is it now?).

So there was a guy there who reminded me so much of a certain somebody I know - a Sensing type who talks a lot, craves attention, has grandeur dreams of leadership yet does not have the capability to perform.

Naturally, like how the show went, they lost a challenge and while he did cause the loss, there was an overwhelming sense of it-wasn't-my-fault going around. He started building up a case based on what he had achieved last time but what he needed was to be placed in a leadership position. Eventually, he was voted out by two Rational types who managed to convince enough people that he was not helpful enough and was just too plain irritating.

In the closing credits, votes were revealed, it seemed like somehow he had managed to secure votes from the women (wow, more similarities) while the men were more "ruthless". He said that the other person played his cards well using his head, while he himself was better off because he used his heart.

Arguments like this obviously piss the shit outta me. In any social group, cohesiveness is required but survival is most crucial. It struck me how a character like that manages to plow through despite that. Perhaps the support of similar types allow them some breathing room. Maybe some variability increases chances of survival but I never understand this game of human nature. It's so perplexing at times trying to analyze the actions of people and determining what their thought processes were. Perhaps I never will.

(I wish I could vote people out of my life though.)

Reclamation

Signed up for a photo workshop for the festival and we're tasked to start a body of work before the actual course.

So I went on a photo trip yesterday morning when I couldn't sleep past 0630hrs. Got myself down to MacRitchie and walked all the way to Upper Pierce Reservoir. After that, my legs were too numb and my shoulders ached too much. Carried my tripod and camera bag laden with my giant medium format camera + small digital camera. And I trekked through the forests in my slippers like the pseudo-kampung boy that I am.

It was fun. Some time spent alone. Reclaiming bits of my soul.

Did more planning and research tonight, writing the statement and thinking more about the series.

Ameliorating factors of soul food.

I will definitely wake up grumpy for work tomorrow but I've not been so excited about my own work for a long time.

Haven't felt so inspired in awhile! Will show the pictures on the blog once I'm done.

Hunting Season

We watched as they squirmed, scrambled and squeezed in between nooks to hide.

We watched as they fell one by one. The stronger ones came rushing out with blinding speed, too fast to catch.

We listened as they moved, rustling the surroundings.

And we leapt after them. Stomping with feet, cloth, spray can, bare hands and (broken) pot.

Final count: forty of them.

Dead.

Goddamn.

An infestation that wouldn't go away. In Singapore, father and son do not go hunting for elks or ducks. They hunt for roaches hiding inside the cupboards.

I think it is just too warped for me to spend my Sunday afternoon bonding with my father over carcasses and cockroach shit.

But I had fun.

(He called me a wuss for jumping away when a mother big one rushed at me. Well, I took care of that one, hit it so hard that its guts spilt all over my face.)

Friday Observatory

Her name was Anna Joy. She sold bread with a smile.

Overheard a conversation. Her friend was with an older man, almost her dad's age. Sent an an sms that said he loved her a lot and would leave his wife for her. She took a picture of it and put it on facebook. She dreams of the day that she can swim in the pool surrounding his house.

Indescribable

I ran past a wake I attended yesterday evening. A friend's father passing. Second one in a month. Makes me ponder deeper upon the meaning of mortality and our existence. I may never come to a conclusion, perhaps only when my own time comes.

There is a part of me that just wants to abandon everything and live the life of my dreams.

However, I'm split. I have two dreams - both equally unattainable now.

One an empty life filled with things I never had, another a full life emptied of things I wished I had.

Crazy

A crazy steps into the train, covering his mouth with a handkerchief doused in mentholatum. He stares at you, blinking, once, twice, thrice. You stare back into his eye. Look away. Stare again.

Who's the real crazy one here?

No Revelations

Sometimes, I wonder how someone could keep reiterating the same points on the same topics endlessly. Then again, I'm reminded of my own obsessions and I keep my silence. At least my interests are varied enough to sustain some other conversational topics.

Saw a person alighting the train earlier who looked like an older ghost of someone I knew back when we were mere teenagers. He hadn't gained much height but that impish look never aged. I couldn't recall his name, except his adulation of me. (Haha. Egomaniac on the loose.)

I wonder about the various people whizzing past our lives. How many will withstand the test of time? How many will you remember fondly years down the road, asking yourself, "I wonder how he/she is doing now."

These fragile relationships built upon circumstances and time. I wonder about them. What if one day a client of mine (now) saw me in the papers (after I have achieved one part of my grand dream) and tells everyone else, "Ah I know this asshole back when he first started, a two-bit rat in a hole. Hell, he even swore at me over the phone!"

Not that someone else's comments matter but it's interesting to ponder upon what they would say. It's like how my dad would look through the papers and talk about some rich tycoon, how they had started out at the same time but he was so ruthless that he made it big time, changed four wives and cheated so many people over.

Ah, humanity. So trivial at times.

Wasted Days and Lightless Struggle

Nothing much going around here lately. Endless social obligations for the past two weeks, not enough time to think. Wanting very much to create some works, perhaps next week (that's what I said last week and the week before that, ad nausem). Really, this existence is kinda banal. For what really? No more endless emotional swings but a well straddled option strategy, with caps on both highs and lows.

You gotta wonder, are you still alive somewhere?

And then I picked up my book that I left halfway through somewhere between alighting the train on Friday and the author's world. Saw a line that I had to lift, hence replacing the title of this post. I keep random lines jotted at various places, titles of things that have yet to be titled.

Pause Button

Deep random thinking this evening. Seemed to have reached a certain equilibrium whereby there is no impending wish for things to accelerate (or even move). Must be the fact that everyone else is moving on ahead in life, concerned about their HDB allotment, wedding dinner tables and invitations. While I remained enamored by that slightly crazy goal of mine, of which, the probability of success is less than 10%. Like all insane men out there, I'm still forging ahead nonetheless. But before more life changing things happen, I'm contented (really? maybe..) with this life cycle of work, exercise, some social life, lots of me time, studying etc. At least for now. Thankful for a lot of things. A higher paying job mighy entail longer hours and less learning/responsibility. (If anything, I seemed to have hopped on to some fast tracked path at work.) While nothing much exciting has happened or is bound to happen, I'm planning for some shocks to the routine just to make life a lil' more robust.

Swollen Eye Incident

Poker night with the boys. Lost some but gained so much more in return. D gave out his red bomb for his wedding next month; another one enters a new phase in life.

Had a long four hour talk with the one who means the most to me. Truth is, things were looking as if we were slowly drifting apart. Unbeknownst to us, we ended up baring our souls, insecurities, dreams, worries and more to each other. Just like old times. Much needed and much missed company. Funny how life just conspired against this. Somehow, I felt more human, more connected with another person. Also realized how far we have moved ahead. It's not about being constantly updated but more about knowing that there is ultimately, at least one person who cares. And it's beyond just being reciprocal, it's about being there as a friend.

At the end, we could have talked beyond the rising sun but my right eye just kept swelling as time dragged on. It got too uncomfortable. While that became a damper, we parted knowing that we are not just silos and the company was very much welcome. I hope that things will get better and we can continue on our dream paths with more conviction.

Cries

White and black. Carrying someone's grief on my shoulder.

The image of a crying family. The slow descent of the wooden box into a chamber of raging fire.

Why do we care so much about someone else? Why does it hurt so much?

Talking Politics

Latest NDP Rally caused a rather major uproar among the locals. HDB had to increase more flats for all my friends getting married, greedy rich property speculators now have to fork out more and hold on to their assets while the property counters took a beating in the market. Someone mentioned that some policy also raised the bar for the middle class and would eventually squeeze them out, leaving the upper and lower class only. Uhuh.

Actually, I've been pretty bugged about the whole supply and demand aspect of this equation. Are we that land scarce or are prices that expensive to prevent so many young couples from getting a flat? Is supply really that elastic and demand that inelastic; not forgetting a price floor set by the HDB, to create the situation that we see now?

Next up for contention was obviously the testy issues regarding immigrants and blahblahblah. It is actually a pretty hilarious activity to read the arguments put forth by the (gosh, I was gonna use the word netizens) fine purveyors of local social media. How they are losing jobs to these immigrants and taking up all the roles in society - bus drivers, toilet cleaners, your colleague sitting next to you etc.

I seriously have no issue with the toilet cleaner who happens to be cleaning the toilet every morning at the exact time that I have to use it, or the bangla who sweeps the drain outside my house daily (a drain that I've puked in several times). So what is the issue that everyone is complaining about? Once again, it's simple - they are willing to work for less, at jobs that no one would do (even our least educated locals would not want to be sweeping floors, I assume) and why wouldn't businesses hire them?

Not that I'm trying to take the moral high ground here but really, if you think that they are stealing your jobs, you gotta do something about it. Study more, get higher qualifications, work (yes, bloody hell, not surf facebook), whatever. In my limited experience, they are no better than us but neither can we pretend that we deserve the job more than they do. Yes, it's our country but we can't have it to be pseudo-egalitarian (I hazard a guess at socialism). You gotta work for what you are worth and vice versa.

(This is an unfinished argument that needs further refinement, perhaps not after a day at work but I will return here soon.)

Then, the other issue was the small pittance that the government decided to give to all NSMen for their contributions to the nation. Why bother though? Maybe it's a case of overcompensating but giving more shit to the slingers ain't that smart. Come on, what would Dr Goh Keng Swee say? He'd have probably made it tougher for everyone.

Well, there are tons of issues to discuss but I would rather not go into further detail (plus I need sleep). Generally, I wonder about all these voices online...all talk no action with their anti-government remarks...it just strikes me as jiak bah ka eng. I'm no party fan but I appreciate what we have here. Clean and safe streets, no drive-by shootings, an efficient transportation system (squeezing onto trains in KL, Manila and Bombay is nothing compared to the 8am hustle). Yes, our country is not perfect but with that kind of incoherent arguments and bad grammar, what are most trying to say?

Alienation

Been having a sense of extreme alienation from people and my surroundings lately. Only refuge - Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged.

Seems like I'm turning into a whole different person. Someone that has even lesser emotions. Perhaps it is temporary, perhaps it is going to turn into something permanent. Not glad where this is heading.

Met someone's friends last night. Yet it seemed like the conversations meant nothing at all. Despite having a higher than average blood alcohol content, I wasn't even feeling the usual high.

Future looks bleak. Work environment getting to my head. Although I handled rather testy situatons at work with the flair of a pro (a client praised me in an email to my ex-senior), I don't get no satisfaction. Work's just work, even the pay cheque fails to put a smile on my face.

"I saw your pictures and they're really good. You had exhibitions too?"

"Yeah but that was another life, a long time ago."

A life that wasn't necessarily stable which also destablized my emotional state.

What then is the purpose of this existence?

Birthdays & Black

One of life's little ironies. A week with birthdays yet to celebrate, and the prospect of attending a probable funeral. As one struggles with each gasp of air, others revel in seemingly emptiness. Maybe that's why we celebrate birthdays, not for the fact that we aged one more year but that we made it through.

Bookstore

Hopped over to my old photobooks haunt during lunch. The owner was there and he said it's been awhile. The book I wanted was sold out as he only brought in a copy. He knew it would not sell in Singapore and remembered that contemporary books are my cup of tea.

Made me miss the old life. Need to get out soon and get in touch with the other me.

Dark

4pm.

"It's an unusually sunny day."

"It is."

"It's amazingly shiny."

There is only so much a friend can say. Nothing else matters.

Mortality

Mortality. Makes me wonder about this life, how self-centered I've become. I have to let go more and more. Try and get closer and closer. To the people that matter. Blood.

And outwardly, it did appear as if I've changed, you've changed and everybody else. Deeper I scurried back into my cave. No one can reach me here. Only for a few will I extend my hand out to help. And I know who.

Detachment

A sudden profound thought hit me like a bolt. That the greatest control of self occurs when one manages to fully detach from the surroundings.

It goes beyond control (which I seek) by letting go. In a zen-like manner, one would be elevated to a higher level of consciousness. Great things would be accomplished yet the achievement would not be felt. Each victory effortless but full of meaning.

Drama

Mom told me an abbreviated version of her story. One that began with her grandmother, spanning four generations. It was wrought with love, marriage, lies, betrayal, jealousy, war, independence, bloodline and lineage.

It shed some light on what made her the person she is, made me forgive her a little more. Nothing but characters moved by the invisible hand of fate, cruel and unbending.

Less known characters were introduced, plotlines thickened. Forced into a life not of her own choosing, yet driven by fear and greed. We all make mistakes in our lives, how can I judge the one who gave me life?

Seemingly, I possess the power to create change; not for anyone else but myself. Unbending and unyielding to the natural path that laid before me, I appreciate how lucky I was. Yet, it gives me more reasons to plod on this path I've taken, to succeed and break away from the shackles that bind.

Sunday Musings

Malay wedding at void deck, bare ceilings covered with awnings of red and black. The band plays songs with muffled lyrics. All I hear is the bass and the singer going lalala. Somehow, the melodies sound sad; could it be that the singer was in love with the bride?

Finished re-reading an old book. I had forgotten quite a lot of it but memories came back at each turn of the page.

Bought 8 new books at the sale yesterday (ok 1 of it was a programming book). I still have Ayn Rand to read which I bought in May. So many worlds to explore, so much things to accomplish.

Wouldn't it be fantastic if I could share with you what I see and hear in my mind; a shared consciousness?

Replay

Re-watching favorite films or rereading books close to the heart is like revisiting old forgotten memories and dreams.

Down in the dusty chambers lie emotions hidden from the light of day.

Sometimes, I wonder very hard whom I watched the movies with. Usually, the answer gets me down in the doldrums.

An immense blank ensues.

Sometimes, remembering old faces can be such an onerous task; even imaginary characters with blurry distorted features.

Echoes of echoes.

Stop, pause, rewind, play.

There are no replay buttons in our lives.

Sometimes, don't you wish there were? Just to replay certain events and do the other thing that you should have done?

Most Depressing

I think one of the most depressing moments in life occurs at the end of every month when I tally my books. My cash flows never fail to strike a deep sense of disappointment within...looking at how slowly my bank account grows and kicking myself for all the dumb money management mistakes I made.

Being prudent is such a difficult task - it also means giving up on a lot of things in life (something I don't really subscribe to). Ok, back to trying to save up once again. Sigh.

Set of Four

Strange dreams but they add some color to my life. A set of four stories, spanning a few worlds. Only remembered two: the first involving robots, time travel, dopplegangers and family legacies; second involving the simple act of buying an air ticket at a ridiculously low price at the expense of pretending a dead person was still alive. The harder I try to remember the other two, the more they retreat into the recesses of my mind.

Have to find a way to get more lucid dreams because in my dreams, I always forget that I'm dreaming.

Bursting Stars

Rumbling tummy, full of gas and detritus

Sycophants out singing in the woods

Pray tell, how do we get out of here?

Inside, shimmering, dreamspeak

I am nothing but a doomed satellite

Orbiting endlessly, attracted to your gravitational pull

Out there, billions of stars shine for you

Spin, spin, spin

I get all dizzy

While I'm At It

Since I'm in a rather expansive mood tonight (gonna wake up late again tomorrow), things at work seem to be dulling down. Rumors abound of more personnel changes, which will kinda push me further up a creaky ladder. Not appreciated if I'm not paid the appropriate renumeration, however. And then there's the delay in pay this month, apparently the increment has been cut somewhat and that is why HR is scrambling. More traveling opportunities abound this year, which has been good for me but it gets tiring. Not to mention the usual crappy stuff I face everyday and the usual free time I get most days to do my own stuff. I think I've lost count of the numbers of books I've read this year alone. Latest to read stuff: a book on options and a book of 50 challenging problems (probability and statistical questions, good to occupy my brain). Well, that aside, I've pretty much lost my morale in getting additional work done. Hitting the bare minimum is enough now, quite scary coming from a guy who gives his 100% and more for everything he does (except for things he doesn't like...which can be quite a long list).

Creature

I'm a creature of habit. On my running route today (was mentally lazy and decided to go for a short run), I bumped into a group of running enthusiasts and decided to trail them for fun. Halfway through, this guy popped up from behind and asked if I belonged. No, I said but I was wondering where you guys came from. So for the next 3km or so, we did a brief introduction of ourselves while he tried to get me to join his club because training for a marathon on my own wont be as effective.

While we were talking (slow ~10km/hr pace), I realized that I did not appreciate my usual thinking time to be disrupted or my running route for the matter. No surprises that I'm a stubborn person but everything has to be ritualized in a certain manner. Does that make me a square? Early morning pre-work routines, after work routines, places I frequent et cetera. Not much room for deviation, not much flexibility. That doesn't sound very good does it?

Also, seem to be suddenly gripped with an obsession to increase my academic standing. Realized and regretting the folly of my youth (yes, I have tons of excuses on why I didn't do well in school) but ultimately, I think that I did not fully utilize my time/intelligence. Damn it, really. While everyone is gripped with CFA fever now (results out yesterday), I'm thinking if I should pay for a piece of qualification (cannot claim from company, bleh).

Then, I decided to check out several quantitative masters' programs and measured myself against the typical student profile. Probability of being accepted into any one of them is definitely less than 15%, not to mention how I'm gonna get the money to do it.

While I daydream about the day that I make it big professionally without any sort of advanced degree, I'm left wondering if the paper chase is even worth it. Sure, it makes me look better but really, experience and luck (lots of luck) do play a part. And it's who you know that will open the doors for you. (Temptation to take an MBA just for the contacts...and I ended up in one of my reiterative loops, ctrl-c!)

Any decision I make will cause me to regret something or another, which makes this entire exercise a complete waste of my energy.

Sigh, what a strange pitiful creature.

Consumed

Like a delicious spoonful of ice cream, I am consumed.

A burning obsession that runs through the entire gamut of my waking hours - from the moment my eyes open to the pain of the bluish morning light, to the melting moments before I lay my head to rest.

I sit at my desk the whole day/week/month/year looking at moving figures, scrolling tickers and news from all around the world.

Random noise. Discernible trends. Ranging numbers. Mean reversion. Exuberance, despair.

I love every single beat of it.

And now, I surrender myself even deeper into its subconscious; my folly, my hubris left outside its peripheral.

Somewhere along the line, I have lost something.

Misaligned

Ever gotten into one of those moods where you seem to forget your schedules, step on everyone's toes and everything grates at you?

Frustration. Perhaps.

Would like to let out a real low guttural growl and stare at people with a strange look in my eyes.

ggggrrrr

Whoever said running gets you happy and high hasn't met the ultimate grumps - me.

(One more run this week and I hit my inaugural 100km. I'm preparing my muscle rub.)

Wanted to have a quiet weekend to think/reflect and maybe catch a movie. Now I gotta squeeze in some fishing time. Everything I wanted to do...just not in one compact weekend.

And wtf. It's only Wednesday? Days seem to drag on longer. I kept thinking that it was already Thursday.

My New Toy

I blasted close to two months of my savings on a shiny new toy. A camera small enough to fit into my work bag, high quality enough for prints.

And I suddenly realized, it didn't really help me reclaim some parts of me that have slowly drifted away.

I need to take more pictures...even if it's random images of my friends (or lack thereof).

Sleepless

The fever that was the World Cup finally ended early yesterday morning. Spent the entire day at work like a zombie on a brain diet.

And there we were. The three of us - father and sons, watching our first live football match together. We aren't hardcore sports fans but we wanted to experience a slice of history. It was kinda odd how our dysfunctional family manages to come around once in a while. Me vs them. Sort of. Octopus versus parakeet.

Usually it begins with a shouting match, some feelings of alienation, a sense of pity, neglect and all other emotions (experienced over the years) rolled into one big weird organism.

We were too sleep-starved to say much; silently watching twenty two men running after a spherical object.

Tiny Moment

Tonight, I experienced a tiny moment of happiness, in between mouthfuls of delicious French cuisine and wine. Friends, new (dining) discoveries.

Savor. Remember but I will probably forget.

Tonight, I ate my first profiterole in my life. And it's freaking awesome.

W. S. Merwin - For The Anniversary Of My Death

Every year without knowing it I have passed the day
When the last fires will wave to me
And the silence will set out
Tireless traveller
Like the beam of a lightless star

Then I will no longer
Find myself in life as in a strange garment
Surprised at the earth
And the love of one woman
And the shamelessness of men
As today writing after three days of rain
Hearing the wren sing and the falling cease
And bowing not knowing to what

Rivulets

Morning rush. Concoction of smells, a faulty air-conditioning system. Hurry, hurry, please hurry up, Mr Train Conductor.

Eighteen hundred hours. Asian bourses close. Hurry, hurry, please hurry up, Mr Train Conductor. Bring me home. Bring me home now. Watch the brakes, too many people.

Early morning thoughts of how we arrive in this world crying and screaming, as if announcing to everyone present that we have finally arrived.

Most of us would leave with hardly a whimper. Peacefully, as many pray; to their various gods and faiths. A bright light or a dark enveloping shadow. No difference, once consciousness leaves.

In between, canals form across our faces - channels to bring away the rivulets of joy/pain/happiness/sadness. We laugh, we cry, we live. Some live half-lived lives, others more fulfilled.

The chase. Each life begins with a gasp of air, a long marathon of trials and tribulations. Some have it easy, breezing through as if taking a stroll in the woods. Others get lost in the wilderness, fighting, clawing their way through.

How do we know that we are stumbling down the right path and not into another blind alley?

Anchor-less, we float, float, float out into the stratosphere, where we asphyxiate.

Arbitrary

Ran 12km today, another 241.67% increase before I hit my target. The extra 2km deflated me a fair bit. Probably can't walk again tomorrow. Funny how I don't get a natural high from all the running but the 1hr 12mins of alone time was enjoyable. As usual, random thoughts on my running and mental calculations.

Came back and was actually feeling quite down. Been suffering from some darkness for an extended period of time now. Had differing conversations online today - from the usual unimaginative topics to a revelation of an acquaintance's dark past. I guess when the mood comes, talking only about the markets can be so boring. That's why I like talking to weird people from different walks of life. Fodder material.

The only thing that struck me today was that someone who doesn't know me describing me as conflicted.

I know that. And I can't change it. No matter what.

It's like how some people are naturally happy (bloody idiots) or emotionally depressed all the time.

I just can't decide what I really want. I want everything.

Farewell

I am disappearing from one world into another.

Good bye, Other-Self.

I will see you next time when things are...more abundant.

Impossibly!

An extended period of ennui and listlessness. Conversations with friends, often ranging into the only topic plaguing me for so long. Someone said that after so many years of knowing me, he hasn't seen a single true happy moment. How does one define happy?

Been taking time off work. Took another Friday off and just cooped myself up. Perhaps I needed a little space. But work is just work. Mundane as it is. "Important" things to accomplish, always so urgent but never really that important. Monthly paycheck arrives, no sense of accomplishment, just a little thanks and off we go towards next month.

Now that I have some form of security, it's time to move on to my real goals. The problem lies in not being able to accomplish the things I want because I do not have the required safety margin. And a silver spoon, of course. No worries. Keep my sight on the goal and keep prodding along.

Ran another 8km or so yesterday. Painful blisters on top of existing blisters. Gotta move, gotta move!

World Cup's season on and the markets get slower. Managed to watch 2 matches last night. I'm such a fair weather fan. It was really hard trying to keep myself awake.

Barefooted

The instruction manual said to ease into the new shoes by running 1 to 2 km for a start.

I ran 10km in them for starters.

Not sure if it's a placebo effect but I finished with less pain and at a faster pace. However, because the new shoes are not seasoned yet, I have a giant blister on my left big toe.

Halfway through, I ran till I couldn't feel my toes anymore. It's as if the numbing pain was the only thing I knew, spurring me on.

Life's like that sometimes.

Happiness, a fleeting emotion that is impossible to capture. Pain plagues and never leaves. Very often, it leaves scars that remind you of what it felt like.

Perhaps, without pain, we wouldn't know if we are truly alive or not.

Home, Disappointments.

It was a disappointing training for this week. Everything was in a mess, I failed to take control, got sucked into a whirl of conflicting instructions, misplacing my faith in my friends and failing as a leader.

It takes so much more to be an effective leader in any organization. However, I wonder about my actions this week and how I can improve further. I must have slipped somewhere along the line, if not things would not have screwed up so badly.

I wonder why I failed to inspire the most important people to me.

p.s. just changed the blog layout, had to try out the new blogger feature for a more contemporary look.

All I Want

Somedays, all I want is the ability to float off into the deeper subconscious and fade into nothingness, drown the sounds outside and shut the noise inside.

The Smiths - Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want
Good times for a change
See, the luck I've had
Can make a good man
Turn bad

So please please please
Let me, let me, let me
Let me get what I want
This time

Whiff of Curry

Malay wedding downstairs. Again. Do you know that it costs about S$50/day to rent the void deck? With extra for electricity points and water? Funerals are free though.

Weighed myself yesterday and I seemed to have lost 3kg since I last weighed two to three weeks ago. Nice. After that, I consumed 6 bottles of beer to celebrate.

Cleared work email this morning and I felt so revolted at everything. Company D&D tonight, more pain ahead. Tap only opens at 2230hrs. I'm just staying for the lucky draw. (I want the Olympus Pen!) And seriously not looking forward to the "talent"-time

Really getting sick of this.

Had a strange dream and I wrote part of it down as a short story. Some form of creative work better than none. Still quite disturbed by what it means.

Also, marathon registrations were full. Glad (mad?) that I signed on early.

Tuesday Drinks

Long conversations over drinks last night with friends and mostly strangers. Uncharacteristically friendly (but pompous, as usual). Debated about a range of topics and came home at an unearthly hour for a Tuesday.

Thunder and overcast clouds in the morning. Brain's still buzzing with the surge of thinking (spurred on by good -OH nonetheless). Wondered about the typecasts we place ourselves in each day - Hi, my name is XXX, I work in finance/sales/art/journalism. Train of thought flashed towards the idea of determinism/finite possibilities/non-random nature of life. More on that next time.

Desperately hanging onto to the last few moments of intellectual discourse before I disappear into yet another day of rushing numbers.

Funny how the degree of my extraversion increased dramatically in a directly proportion to amount/speed of alcohol imbibed and freedom/interestedness in discussions available.

Doppelgangers

Ok. Seriously, I've not been watching too much HIMYM. In fact, this season really sucks. But strangely, I seem to be spotting people who resemble my friends at random places in town. The train having the highest frequency of course. And if you know me well enough, I often have this intense gaze when I look at something and think really hard.

So I must have made many duplicate-non-real-friends feel weird over the course of the past few weeks. I can't for the life of me fathom why my brain conjures up these weird similarities. However, (after much awkward I'm-looking-at-you-not-because-you-are-hot-but-because-you-look-like-someone-I-know moments) I determine that the sameness factor is usually between 40-60%. Still off-putting to see someone you ought to say hi to but then realize that they are not someone you even know. Ok, I'm not making sense typing all these. Time to hit the sack.

Slogging Along

The start of a new month and countdown for 42km of brutality in December. Did 1/4 of that today. Ended up dripping in sweat, probably lost 0.25% of my mass along the way. Something must have gone wrong as the brain failed to secrete enough dopamine for a natural high. Sigh sigh sigh.

As usual, did the month end closing for my personal P&L. It is still looking ridiculous and I wish I had more to place them in higher yielding instruments than what the bank pays me. Also, need to break even on my trading account which will take quite a while. It's so easy to lose money without proper discipline!

The senior tendered this morning, leaving his letter on top of the department head's keyboard. While I knew about this for close to two months now, seeing the reality of it sure brought my morale down another notch. Also, I would be thrust into being the second guy in charge and it's no fun having three people below me whose monthly salaries are more than mine.

Also, recently I've been working on something for my chairman and he seems to have taken a liking to me. (He even patted my shoulders in a fatherly manner today. OMFG. I have never seen him be soft to anyone before!) It's not like I'd get a pay raise anytime soon but the way my colleagues talk about what I'm doing irks me somewhat. Come on man, it's a lose-lose situation here. I can't say no to doing work for him, I don't get extra compensation and if I screw up, I'd be totally screwed in all sense of the word.

Oh well. Slog along, I shall. I wonder what would happen at next month's salary review. Would my director assess the delicate situation here and dangle a larger carrot to keep the rest of us?

Unnatural Selection

A sudden onset, of inexplicable fear. No, not fear. Something indescribable, something dark. A ventral tegmental malfunction? An endless loop of cravings...of the highs and then the inevitable lows.

Unfortunately, it's Sunday and tomorrow's another day of staring at moving numbers. Muse's Unnatural Selection plays in the background.

Perhaps it's got to do with the emphatic pat on the back by the director as he handed me my bonus letter before we left on Thursday. "It's pro-rated," he said. I never expected more but reality can be so cruel.

There ain't enough time to keep on running, to keep on churning.

When people ask me what's new in my life, all I can say is - nothing much. At least I'm still optimistic on good days. What else could be different?

My life revolves around the markets, moving like waves of the sea, ebbing in and out but never really going anywhere.

And the dark past waits in the corner. Ready to pounce on any signs of weakness.

A Quiet House

Woke up confused this morning before coming to the office on a public holiday. Recalling dreams is the mark of a remarkably boring person but I like to do it as a form of sub-conscience analysis.

In the dream, I was on the lookout for a new place to stay. After looking at a really large apartment with two living rooms, I decided to take it. I remember vaguely a similar dream where I had decided to forgo the house as the main study was too cluttered. I scanned the room and noted the wire-meshed windows, broken bed frame, stacks of paper and an extremely cluttered table. In this version, I agreed to take the flat even though the room was in a mess, keeping in mind that I could get cleaners to clear out the place.

When I woke up (quite abruptly by my alarm), I wasn't really sure where I was. It then dawned on me that I had not really bought a flat and I was in fact back in my small little cramped room. Wondering about the significance of it all, I changed and got to work.

Japan opens at 8am and I was slightly late. Thankfully the office was quiet for the morning and I managed to get quite a lot of thinking and writing done.(5 solid hours!) It's quite a luxury these days for me to actually sit down and gather my thoughts without the constant hustle and bustle of ringing phones, working orders and reading the news wires.

I had a bad month in the market (actually just the past week, which wiped out a substantial amount of my equity - was doing fine until I imploded but without a loss, I wouldn't have stopped to think), thus I was looking forward to spending some time to deeply analyze some pressing issues. What I can say is that within a short span of a month, I've progressed far ahead of the curve. Before this, even though I was armed with all the necessary knowledge and tools, I didn't really understood the emotional aspects of it. Now, I'm starting to see the light and am in the process of implementing a system to better myself. I managed to get it up in the morning, wrote a thousand-plus-word essay (will type it out one day) on ascertaining the general conditions of the market (something which had been bugging me for quite a wile) and reviewed my actions thus far. Key issues were identified, systems in place to correct them and hopefully, I'd be able to survive this game a little longer. It's such an interesting compulsion, really. A puzzle that cannot be solved, and one which remains contantly challenging (and hopefully rewarding).

It was during the quick trip to grab lunch that I realized the significance of my dream. I finally took the step of accepting a broken down mechanism (the house) and shifted my mentality to the next level.

All in all, it was a quiet but extremely beneficial day in the office. [3 more hours to go!] If only I could have more days like this.

migraineinduced

reduction
coughs.
inexplicable existentialistic rage
thank you for forgetting about me
i was waiting for a release
or was it more about me forgetting you?
coughs.
throbbing
stuffy
can't breathe
formandspaceanddepth
cognitive bias
pop a pill and go to sleep
and i shun
turn away from familiar faces
in a sea of strangers
be patient
silently stalking
invisible but painfully close

Realization

Signing up for the marathon. The form asked me for a supporter.

And I couldn't name anyone.

Darkly

Dark tinted glasses. A glass of whiskey. The man sighs wistfully. Pin-striped grey suit, standing next to the window. Ugly green curtains. Shut in, windless. Can't see the face; outside, the skies slowly darken. Dusk approaches. Without a doubt, a single moment of non-connection.

Headwinds

A little head cold leading to a stuffy brain. Not processing information as quickly as I would like. Trying to juggle bond yields, inflation/deflation, intermarket relations and some programming on the side. Oh my. Somehow, I wished I stumbled onto more of these during my school days instead of trying to learn some financial theories that only work in a frictionless world (hat tip to M&M). Well. Brain's feeling pretty slow but need to work on a game plan for the week. I think that I'm walking towards something crucial but just can't quite get it yet.

Heads Up

Cleared IPPT today. Migraine hit in the afternoon and I took some pills I got from the doc the last time I played hooky. Pretty powerful stuff, especially with the slight fatigue. Throat feels like it's on fire, usually a precursor to an infection. Need to load up on the vitamins and stave this away.

Next week, I'm taking over as interim head of the desk, with my two new "junior" colleagues. It's weird when they introduce me to people and say that I'm their boss (5 years younger than them but knowing my ego, I'm not so secretly proud of that). Yesterday, somebody joked that I'm the top sales trader and very soon I'll have my own glass-partioned room. That would be good if it breaks out the annoying sounds from the desk across.

This week - 2 wedding announcements. (Waves to yk. Congrats dude!) And a couple that I know since JC (the girl from secondary school.) It's the marriage season now. Very soon, I'd be like the single yuppies whom I meet at drinking holes. Not that it's a bad thing if I have a property to my name and a cool ride. Questioning the whole idea of this marriage thing...is there truly a happily ever after? And kids. Horror stories from the colleagues are just enough to put me off.

It's the weekend and I just want to see it go in a quiet fashion. Laters.

State of Affairs

Something more sombre tonight, less self-indulgent. A look at global events and observations.

Bangkok remains alit with the flames of protestors, a vast difference from the usual neon-filled streets full of delights. The stock exchange caught fire and would not be open for the next two days. People die, the common folk stay home. Tourists scramble on their planes, others look aghast at grainy youtube videos of conflict. A leader more out of touch with the common folk, a former leader fanning the flames underneath. Military gets into action, maybe a repeat of history and another coup. I wonder what does it take to bring a nation together. It seems to be such an onerous task and perhaps thankful for what we have here.

The Trojan horse has led to a spin of events in Europe. Their leaders unsure of what to do, divorced from the facts of how things work in the finance world, ill-advised by old men in ivory towers. A decree to ban naked short selling in Germany caused stocks worldwide to plummet. A healthy correction or the beginnings of a double dip? We can prognosticate all we want but it wouldn't do us any good. Politicians need to keep in power, need to stimulate growth by keeping interest rates low, while keeping an eye on inflation. Low i/r = more borrowings. The extra money had no place to go since the economy was still suffering from aftershocks of the 2008 crash.

Employment fails to keep up, wages fall behind, spending decreases, retail and commercial in/output drop and we get a classical deflationary story. I was wondering earlier in the year what the fuss was all about when people were complaining about inflation and how the governments had to raise rates to prevent it from getting out of hand. The hot money was the one pushing up asset prices - equity, commodities, gold and more speculation. On the surface, recovery seemed to be in place but underneath it all, people were still not getting jobs because businesses were not producing enough. The cycle repeats, a deathtrap. The need of the (US) government to step away from the Keynesian model increases at each release of economic numbers.

Today's headline reads - US inflation at 44-year low. However, fears of an European-led blow up caused more money to flow back to the safe haven of the (fiat) US dollar. At least there is demand for the ever increasing number of printed dollar bills. While no one can tell where the market wants to go...the fallacies believed by the masses will surge along.

To stay alive, one has got to follow the flow and make intelligent calls. Recovery seemed in place? Well, I hope you got in cheap went everything seemed to be crumbling more. Maybe a little more expensive if you needed more confirmation (that's my camp) and do not ever think of catching a falling knife. Things start falling apart? Well, sell and do not hold on to your losers. Like them much? Buy them later when things stabilize.

It's my job to piece together snippets of information, synthesize new ideas, look at rows upon rows of numbers and think of what to do next. I'm still a child when it comes to that (but definitely a gifted child compared to the hordes of charlatans out there). In this game, you need patience, guts and lots of original thinking.

And I totally hate it if you asked me if this thing is going to go up or down. If I knew, I wouldn't be sitting on my chair talking to you over the phone. But I can offer you my opinion and you make your own decisions. It's much easier for me because it's not my money on the line and I'm completely objective when it comes to what I say.

Dreams

Langston Hughes - Dreams

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

* * * * * * * * *

Langston Hughes - A Dream Deferred

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

Request

Can I ask you for a float? And a bottle of wine too?

Views from the Hole

Crazy week out there in the markets. Taking time out means I am relieved from the task of reading the time to thinking about how to develop the time machine.

Greece. Initially, I thought it was just a slight cold caught by the EU since this little country only accounted 2.5% of the Eurozone. Then it spread like wild fire, highlighting the inherent weakness of the Euro. (Good time to be shorting the euro..) I think the issue will definitely blow up even further, market sentiment has turned into (almost) panic mode. Amelioration will take a long time to take place, Greece has a huge budget deficit to cover up. Spain and Portugal are affected but I can't tell if it'd be a full-blown hay fever...if it does happen, the euro looks set to go even lower (haha maybe I'll go Europe for a holiday) and governments (especially Germany) needs to take more decisive actions to prop up the failing image of the EU.

US markets took a sucker punch on Thursday, no confirmed facts on what caused the drastic drop but I have my bets placed on algorithms contributing to a cascading effect. Nevertheless, that's not the key issue. The US economy was supposedly on the path of recovery sans jobs growth, fueled by more money printing (low zero interest rates) and an over exuberant investing crowd: oh look, we're out of recession, let's borrow more money and invest in things! Too much and too fast in a short period of time...imagine feasting on a buffet cos it was free and belching everything out. I'm still sold on a slow recovery but we're constantly being affected by the daily noise that we lose sight of the larger macro issues. A economy is not measured by how high the stock indices go! I think that we'll go through a period of short-term (1 to 3 weeks) weakness, intermediate (1 to 3 months) outlook mixed and longer term (4 months to a year) slightly bullish, though we may just inch past the new recent highs.

Bountiful

Home but not really home. Been a real spinner of a week. Had someone threaten to sue me on Monday, met a CEO for lunch on Tuesday, went for a networking session on Wednesday and went up to KL on Thursday and only came back last night. And I met a private equity guy, a real life tycoon (and his iPad), a tai-tai and some random assortment of people along the way. Not to mention being away from the markets when everything took a nosedive, more Greek contagion issues, a hung parliament in UK.

I must say, this past week had been educational and pretty much quite interesting (as compared to the past few months).

If anything, my eyes were opened to a whole lot of issues out there, perhaps shaped my thinking/approach towards work even. It's all about networking, networking and more networking. You could be good at what you do but if nobody knows who you are, who would recognize the talent but yourself?

Had quite a number of interesting conversations - regarding life/career in general. As someone said, there is a season for everything in life, a crucial period where it defines or sets the pace of life thereafter. But lots of preparatory work needs to be in place and things will only move when coupled with the right opportunity.

Also, been noticing a seismic shift in the way I view this world. Can't really put a finger to it but it's not something terribly bad. I'm extremely tired running around...but nothing beats going to the airport, my favoritest place in the world and sleeping in large hotel beds.

Duality But Not The Same

Blank canvas; a life not lived She looked into the mirror A divide: this plane and that Taking off into the clear blue sky Dream. It was unbelievably sad Two empty Yakult bottles Their favorite drink A stray cat with a collar Ravenous, nibbling at grass patches Home? Where is home? A virtual construct Hush. Speak no more Stillness and the bountiful night	Quivering hands, calloused fingers A blank stare and bloodshot eyes Only the pain feels real Migraines and strange ailments Suite of afflictions, all at once Soothing mentholated spasmolytics CCTV, capturing it all and nothing Sliding in and out The grime that hides Truths that surface Sleep. Fatigue. Random Strangers smiling on trains Do you know his secrets?
nononowhoistrulyawakeyesyesyes

Snake

Truth is...I've been spending the past 3 or 4 weekends learning a new programming language.

You may proceed to scream now.

But I'm liking what I've been learning for Python so far, it sure makes coding shorter and it has quite a lot of built in (and extendable) bits that will make my life easier.

And why am I doing this?

I don't know. For a start, I have two million (maybe more) rows of data (that's just one file) to analyze and it can't fit into my favorite Excel. Coding in Java/C++/C# will probably cause me a fair amount of stomach ulcers (ok just sleepless nights).

But most importantly, I thought of upgrading my skill set by acquiring a new language. Oh, and I want to be able to plug in the statistical power of R into my computations.

Also, I do need to highlight that many quantitative finance schools require knowledge of Python/R or more traditionally, Java/C++/Matlab. Coolest thing? I can run both Python/R on my Mac and at work. No cross platform issues (until GUI comes in).

Oh so ambitious. I have so many easier alternatives but nooooo, I just have to do something new.

Rush

What happened to the rush I would get from accomplishing a million and one things in a single week?

Weekend's almost over.

What original thoughts did I have? It used to be that something interesting would pop out of no where.

Maybe it's because there's really no reason to have them anymore. Or anyone to share them with.

Nowadays, I just post random thoughts on buzz or twitter, albeit prolonging my virtual immortality.

While out on Friday, I was telling an old friend how unreal my life seems right now. Compared to the life and death situations they saw at work (doctors!), mine revolves around virtual numbers...huge sums of money that don't belong to me.

(Hello, semi-empty bank account. Please eat more and grow stronger soon.)

Weekend's almost out. Watched a French movie, swam, read a book on programming and got some sleep.

Nothing in, nothing out.

Casually told my mom that I want to leave for my Masters in the States. Although, I did my math and realized it is impossible on this salary or even a bank loan (cold stale bread in a foreign land. uh.)

All she said was that I made a mistake and burrowed into a poor family. I'm used to comments like that but I think someone else would have been hurt by it.

Unresolved dreams, unfulfilling life.

Not really complaining here. I gave up whining long ago.

Maybe I will plan a short trip out of the country in the third quarter.

How is it that someone can feel so lonely living in his own country, surrounded by family and friends?

Scramble

Can't sleep somehow. Gotta jot down thoughts surfacing randomly.

Thinking and analyzing how much change has occured in the past 9 years.

It's almost as if I'm another person now, leading another life (although that is definitely true).

So much to say to so many people. So many apologies left unsaid. Written letters hidden in some dusty corner. It's not like I'm a bad person...it's just that I'm always at a lost of what to say, or the "right" things to say. Even then, what weight does a 'sorry' contain?

Maybe it's not what I should have said. It's what I should/could have done. Each move calculated, yet always seemed like a bad choice but there's no undo in life or a way to find the optimal solution.

Things just happened.

And that's that.

Look at me now...more poised in life, more confident (oh...those shy uniformed school days) and maturity.

Still clueless about directions. Stumbling in my path, tripping over people.

Stop. Glance. Walk away. Memories are tricky. People get hurt. Maybe they've healed. Hate/Disgust/Anger. Flashes. Gone now (hopefully).

Longer road ahead...what's the probability of making the same mistakes again?

Eye Bags

Teabags below your eyes.

Turning from a bear into a panda, as if xenomorphism was an actual act of science/nature.

Today, I gained some clarity, or rather, I lose some whine-ty.

I got tired of hearing me complain about the same old things and decided to let it be.

(What a coincidence, MJ's Let It Be just started playing.)

I wish I wasn't so tired...but I'm not even aware of the real reason behind this exhaustion.

Maybe I need a break soon.

chugchugchug...the engine goes on.

+ + + + + + + + +

no seriously, do i make any sense? why do i have so much to say about...nothing? and i continue flooding the social media with even more ramblings from my brain.

gosh. ineedhelp.

hello you.

yesyouwho'sreadingthis.

can we talk?

in real life?

lonely is not the word.

lonesome maybe.

e.e. cummings - )when what hugs stopping earth than silent is

)when what hugs stopping earth than silent is
more silent than more than much more is or
total sun oceaning than any this
tear jumping from each most least eye of star

and without was if minus and shall be
immeasurable happenless unnow
shuts more than open could that every tree
or than all life more death begins to grow

end's ending then these dolls of joy and grief
these recent memories of future dream
these perhaps who have lost their shadows if
which did not do the losing spectres mime

until out of merely not nothing comes
only one snowflake(and we speak our names

- - - - - - - - -

not an easy piece. but such brilliant wordplay. which line speaks to you most?

p.s notice the parenthesis?

Beautiful Light Out

Woke up at my usual time for work, looked at the clock, processed that it was Saturday and went back to sleep.

Got up two hours later to see my favorite light outside. Stumbled to grab the MF, took two pictures and booted up my real (virtual) life.

It's like I'm not living anymore.

Just an embodiment of my thoughts, overwhelming thoughts.

This strange meaningless 9-to-5 7-to-6 existence.

Someone said last night that he couldn't talk with us anymore because our lives revolve around this sheltered employee exterior.

It's true...I need to keep reminding myself that this is not it.

It's just a phase. Just a phase.

(Please ensure that it doesn't stretch ad infinitum.)

The Longest Distance

Four (short) kilometers into my planned 10k route, I suffered a sudden onset of pain in my tummy. Thinking that I could ignore it, I went on for a little longer before gravity made me decide to turn back.

Desperation and panic set in as the pain shot through my entire body.

Damn, I really needed to find a toilet...the only problem being that the nearest public toilet was 3km away.

Fuck.

Hence began the longest 3km or 30 minutes in my life as I hobbled in cold sweat, trying not to let go. I pondered about doing it army style but the thought of mosquitoes and the lack of toilet paper put me off.

And I walked...slowing down to a limp, as I held it all in.

That's when the phrase, mind over matter, really mattered.

I was cursing aloud while keeping my sight on the faraway target.

Thankfully, there was toilet paper when I finally reached my destination thirty-odd minutes later.

In all seriousness, I think that I learnt a few life lessons about determination, foresight and foolishness, on an otherwise monotonous day.

Seems Like...

The wanderlust is back.

Doesn't help that I just booked tickets for a biz trip to KL next month.

Wondering when would be a good time to go for 3 weeks.

But more importantly, where?

It's not like I have a lot saved up from my pittance.

(Then again...our lives are so tiny, that we walk away from it.)

Saddened by all the suffering in this world (earthquake in China yesterday).

Funny how I'm usually so walled up within my shell.

Present(s)!!!

A thought sinking its roots deep into the recesses of my obsessive mind, creating swirls and permutations and approaches.

Somehow, I actually feel like making a very special present for all my friends (probably means you...since you read my blog...hello Singnet, Starhub and Blackberry user(s)).

Well...I think it'd be a nice gesture to close 2010 (definitely forward looking, it's a Christmas present) and writing it here will only compel me to work on it.

We'll see how it goes. Limited edition of 20 to 30 only. That's like counting the people that really and really/somewhat matter to me now.

Such a shocking thought.

Even Batteries Die

Been a while but I have a job to shoot. Economy is definitely back in swing when old clients start calling. Acting as middleman of sorts lately too, hoping to get a cut out of jobs I refer but this job was just too juicy to pass up on. While packing my gear and charging my batteries (and dusting off a lot of dust), it made me a little sad to know that my equipment is starting to show its age.

The lithium batteries don't hold as much charge anymore; my gear is four to five generations old. Staying in this business is definitely expensive (new cameras, memory cards, hard drives, faster computers etc..) I'm glad I'm only renting now (S$128 per pop for a top-line camera with lens) as opposed to shelling out almost S$7000 for ownership...only to have it depreciate against you or worse, grow old and smelly. It just doesn't make sense. Of course, it wouldn't work if you had a shoot every week and needed the equipment and that you're earning enough to cover the capital expenditure.

Anyway...this post just made me realize how calculative I have become (not that I wasn't before) but it does make me sound like a little sad character.

Oh well, I'm still glad for my analog cameras. Slow and unwieldy but film just rocks. Maybe I will finish the rest of the roll over the weekend when I'm done with this shoot.

However, I am compelled to get one of those nifty high-quality cameras for everyday usage. I think I'm slowly starting to lose the ability to see and I need something to keep me inspired. (So much for padding my pathetic pay with this job!)

Repeat and Recycle

Funny how the most inane thought hits you while day-dreaming. Realized that for the small handful of people I talk to online during working hours (inversely related to the amount of work I have), my colleagues and sometimes my family, I don't really talk to anybody else. Today's longest conversation was with my hairdresser, even then, it was stretched as I'm too tired.

Been trying to get some analytical stuff started at home and now feeling the cringe of running windoze within my mac. Sort of toying around the idea of getting a developmental machine but that's only if there is an advantage in doing so. I'm getting jaded with the idea of a retail investor making it big in the markets. Really, it's a just a game for the big swinging dicks out there.

Quite naturally, the coolest thing I stumbled upon today was an academic paper on "Statistical identification with hidden Markov models of large order splitting strategies in an equity market". 'Nuff said.

As I stumble deeper into my "research" it seems like all the basic strategies that I spent perhaps the bulk of my time working on would not be effective in the market. Seems like I'm slowly (very slowly) moving towards a more quantitative approach to the entire game. Starting to assemble the tools and knowledge I need but somehow, I'm rather daunted that I won't be able to afford the time to play with them.

Perhaps the "intellectual" stroking from my search is more fun than actually growing my account (which is still flat by the way because I'm out of the market. Not enough risk capital yet). Over the weekend, I came to a little realization of sort, also got myself excited with going back to my roots and rediscovering data mining. May or may not pan out but it seems like I need another 12 hours in a day to work on this.

At work, days are often hazy...especially in the past month or so. Today was similar, [censored, in short handled a large deal], [censored, feeling that I'm grossly underpaid] and teaching the new guys on the desk's operational aspects. But I must seem to be quite good at what I do, I know my superiors appreciate my work (despite having less than a year's experience) and that the new guys were surprised that I'm actually still rather fresh (they really do lack market depth and knowledge).

While in conversation, it dawned on me that perhaps I miscalculated a step. Stepping into the front office at the lower end of the curve does not guarantee that I'll move up the ladder. Even then, would I still want to be there? Most days I toy around with these ideas of actually applying stochastic modeling and statistics into what I do but how do I do it when most of my working hours are spent talking to people on the phone or working a large order manually. Wondering if a large comfortable paycheck working in some middle office (god forbid the back office) would be more beneficial in the long run. (Lest if my current "ideals" do not take place.)

Oh well. It's a week where I'm extremely tired and grouchy. When May's bonus comes along, we will know what to do next.

The Only Other Sure Thing in Life

Thinking, reading and learning about the other sure thing in life...taxes.

Shadows and Glimmers

Torrential rains.

Much craved sleep. Aching.

And again, weekend is almost over.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Again, over and over again.

Tiredness.

Saw a vision the other night. White gowns and happy faces.

Similarities and dissimilarities.

Not mine, not mine.

Stumbling still, ravenous.

Going deeper and deeper down a path.

Lemmings die jumping off cliffs.

Smiling.

Slightly more sunshine.

But still dark inside.