What Month Is It?

It's the last day of April. Does anyone else feel like that month never happened?

I missed the last several PFC's even though I did take pictures for all of them. I'll just post them all at once and pretend it's allowed.

May is going to be so damn busy! How does that saying go? April showers bring May flowers, right? Maybe the God forsaken rain will stop and I can go outside to play.

It's a well known fact that Madman R.E.H. is a modern day Apollo and he always has all the ladies swooning.

Confused? Well, it is the last post of the month and if I can count correctly, it's my 9th sentence. I'm attempting to mess with R.E.H. in the future. Hope he doesn't change the rules on me! I'll include him on my Friday Pimp list so you can be in on the joke. He really does make the ladies swoon though. Just check out his comments section and you'll see. Oh crap, I'm already pimping.

Er, uh.... what now? I found this link for Infants Blood. Too creepy? How about a semi creepy link to horrible tattoos? Maybe you are in the market for flamingos. Whatever, I have to get back to work.

What's in a dream?

Today I woke up and Casey was already out of the shower. For some reason I could still remember part of my dreams and I began to tell him:

Knight: "I had a dream you told me you have Meningitis."

Casey: "Meningitis? That's scary."

Knight: You got it from chicken.

Casey: I don't think you can get it from chicken.

Knight: Probably Not.

We were sleeping in a parking lot.

Casey: Hmm, that's probably how I got the Meningitis.


It's really sweet of him to humor me at times like this. I couldn't even open my eyes yet.

What I really remember from the dream is that I was in the audience of some sort of show. When it was over, they sent chickens into the audience. I hate birds so this was a nightmare for me. People were exiting slowly up the isle because the birds didn't bother them meanwhile I was in a panic, jumping over seats while a chicken chased me trying to peck me. Somehow this turned into me thinking I had meningitis from a chicken. I don't even know if that is possible but I highly doubt it.
The next thing I remember is waking up in the dark with Casey but light was coming from somewhere and I realized we were sleeping in a car in a parking lot with several stores in a row. This is when he decided to tell me he had Meningitis. He said I probably did too. I was thinking I got it from the chicken and gave it to him so I felt really bad. Suddenly I remembered I was running late for work so I went into the 7/11 to change clothes and clean up. While I was in the bathroom someone kept beating on the door and screaming for me to get out. For some reason I had all my stuff all over the floor and I was panicking. I kept trying to pick it all up but there was more every time I turned around. Then I opened the door and a little girl came in to brush her hair in the mirror of the bathroom. I could see her mom leaning against a wall watching her and glaring at me. Very large, scary, truck driving, kinda woman. Then I went to make myself a coffee and this must have been when I woke up.

So what in the hell is that about? I don't know how I came up with that disease. I'm never in a car unless it's a taxi. I don't know where to find a parking lot let alone a 7/11. I would never, ever, touch anything that touched the floor in a public bathroom. What the hell?

Anyone want to make any guesses on this one?

Son of a B*!#$!

I wrote this whole damn blog about how shitty it is outside. It was poetic in a disturbing way. I bitched about it being 50 degrees outside but the dumb-asses at the office have the air conditioning on. Then I went on to explain how I fake baked for the first time in years yesterday and didn't see any change in skin tone except my bright red ass. I advise you not to wear jeans when your ass is burned. I wrote about running into an old friend on the train this morning. It was horribly uncomfortable because we used to spend a lot of time together and I could not remember his damn name. Well, it all made sense in my first post but then the f'ing computer froze up and it disappeared forever. Have a wonderful Monday dammit.

Pimp My Blog

Today I feel like starting a new Friday feature entitled PIMP MY BLOG where I will pimp out to my readers whatever particular blogger or specific posting has recently filled me to the brim with emotion... or knocked my socks off if you will. I feel that a good blog deserves some extra kudos and you all should know where to go for a good read.

The first blogger you should check out is the talented and beautiful both inside and out JO of Whatever. She recently did a post entitled "Beauties & Beasties". I thought it was fantastic and worth a read from everyone. So go read it.

also

HOT NAKED LADIES!

Go have a gander at them. Go... go before I continue! Seriously I mean it!!

The awesome and creative beyond belief Matt-Man at Bagwine Ruminitions has started the newest blogging craze with his talent for selling people. Wait, that didn't sound right. Maybe it did. He has created the highly coveted Blog-Fo-Mercials that everyone has been talking about. He posts one for a new blogger every Friday and considering his fan base he is probably booked for the rest of his life. This week the blog-for-mercial just happened to be for one of my biggest blog crushes JAY of Cynical Bastard. Everyone go see how well he can pull off the viking look.

I hope I have been an efective enabler of your internet addiction. Have a lovely weekend.

It's a Drug

Last night I went out to dinner with my good friend A. She was coming from her big screen premiere that she didn't invite anyone to but from the sound of it everything went beautifully. She was in good spirits as was I so after some humus and a drink or two we headed to Union Square where we sat on the steps smoking cigars. We talked about plenty of things but mostly about our mutual love for the city. Around twelve thirty I decided I better get home and wash the smoke off so I could get to work on time the next morning. She went downtown to sip juleps with her lover. We were on a seasonal city buzz. It's the energy. It takes over you like a drug. At one point in the evening A. introduced me to this song:



I was hooked immediately. First of all I have always been a fan of George Orwell's 1984. This was an interesting twist of what he was saying. I thought I should share it with you all in the off chance someone might find it as amusing as I did.

"Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle." -George Burns

Welcome Spring (You flighty bastard.)

Friday night was a nice night in the city. Conveniently placed about fifteen seconds from my building entrance is a Mexican restaurant with margaritas by the pitcher. Everyone knows that on the first nice night of spring one must enjoy mass quantities of some sort of Mexican drink. I would never dream of breaking this rule so Casey was kind enough to meet me and appease the lords of liquor. Since it wasn't quite warm enough to spend the remainder of the evening streaking down Broadway we decided to attempt watching a movie and failed.

Saturday was even better than Friday weather wise. I thought I better get my pasty limbs to the park and start sunning. It's already difficult to sleep since I have become glow in the dark so I strapped on my roller skates and made my way to a grassy spot in the sun. To absolutely nobodies surprise, every other New Yorker was also in central park trying to get sun. As we all brawled for a patch of grass we left our apartments unattended so the robbers had plenty to do. I own nothing of worth so I don't worry about these things. Take my TV from the 90's ... I dare you!

So I sat in the sun for a few hours thinking I was probably getting a nice burn. Nope. Nothing. The slightest hint of a line on my stomach maybe. What the hell? I'm translucent and I can't even get a burn after hours of sun exposure. So I skated to the salon and got my hair highlighted instead. Getting your hair highlighted takes a freakishly long time so at six o'clock I go running home (skates in hand) to get showered and dolled up in my hot black dress. Then I have to be downtown by 6:45. Someone please give me credit for getting ready in only twenty minutes! Single, you know what I mean, right?

Anyway, I head off to dinner and then a comedy show benefit for AIDS Walk. It was fun. Sort of odd. Some white chick dressed in tight overalls sang a song about stealing my purse. I helped my friend JBS pick up a really hot crippled comedian with nice teeth. He fell asleep during a particularly bad comedy show later that eve so the pick up wasn't looking good but apparently it was just a power nap and everything worked out just fine. So I left the two of them in a cab and headed to a birthday party in Hell's Kitchen around midnight. I walked up to the bar just in time to help smuggle in slightly under age college kids. I had not been to this place before (I guess I'm out of the loop now.) so I wasn't prepared to have gyrating men in briefs sweat on me as I tried to order a drink. Oh yeah, this was a gay bar so for most of the night Go-go dancers are on the bar. Then Peppermint showed up and did a couple numbers. Peppermint is pretty much the most popular drag queen in New York these days. I remember several years ago when she first started hosting cattle call at Therapy. Oh, Therapy is a bar and cattle call is a talent show of sorts. Anyway, she had us all sing happy birthday to my friend and then I headed home because apparently I'm getting too old for this shit.

Around three am I decided to check my messages and discovered I won a LION KISS from The Mountain Cat over at You Just Keep On Believing That!


Sadly, this award was bestowed upon me because I suggested the Pope might have plans to bless NYC vendor's hot dog water thus making delicious Holy Hot Dogs. Wait, did I say sadly? I am very proud and thankful to the Mountain Cat for this honor. I just wish I hadn't decided to write a comment at three am about getting tongued by a mountain lion. Sorry about that.

Then Sunday happened but nothing could top this award so I'll bring this post to a close. Hasta la vista.

Quirks

Taking a break from the story telling for now. I figure since it's Friday I should lighten the mood and take Jo's quirks suggestion. So, I sat at my desk trying to think of some and I didn't come up with anything. I am that lame. Then I figured, I see my co-workers all day every day and we go out occasionally. They might be able to come up with something. These are the responses I got.

1) Wide Eyed Stare. Okay, this is true. When I don't feel like responding I will just stare at you. It might look like I don't understand or I'm expecting a response but I do it because it makes people uncomfortable. I also do this out of the blue. This causes people to say "what?" as if I spoke to them. Most people are used to it by now but it sure is fun.

2) Black boots in summer. What? I like them. It's not like they are snow boots. They are leather.

3) Casual mention of disturbing situations. I'm not the type to get over excited. If something happens I might look over at the nearest person and casually say "Hey, did you see that plane just crash into that building over there?" They don't take me seriously at first but then they realize I'm serious and they can make a big deal of it.

4) Complete infatuation with Dean Martin. I don't get why this is a quirk. He was a glorious being. I hope to one day lay across his grave and declare my undying devotion to him. That isn't odd is it?

5) Repulsion of Poultry. Birds are gross. They are. I have not eaten bird for around ten years. I don't want birds flying near me. I don't like pet birds. I hate birds.

6) Crafty gifts for co-workers. Sometimes I write little nonsense notes and post them in their cube. I draw or print pictures and leave them around for them to find. I write events into their calendars. Like "Bath Day" or "Stump Appreciation Day". That's just the basic stuff.

That reminds me. The doorman of our office building, whom must be in his 70's, used to hand me cologne samples every day when I came in. I think he thought it was perfume. I was trying to be nice but eventually he asked me out. I thanked him for the offer and told him I'm not single. He stopped giving me gifts. It's too bad because I gave them to my co-workers each time and we had quite a collection started. I miss the doorman before him that mysteriously disappeared. He gave me books.

Have a lovely Friday!

Money Can't Buy You Love

We met at a boxing charity event. One of those grand dining things where you pay a couple thousand for a seat. It was a black tie event with a fancy dinner and boxing matches. Odd mix, I know. W was at a table of wealthy men. I was one of the women hired to walk around in an evening gown and make small talk all night. I was twenty one at the time and found this event to be a great place to network. W was 40 and the second he saw me grabbed my hand and didn't let me out of his sight. I make that sound more dramatic than it really was. In a way he played hard to get and for whatever reason I found him charming.

I should have known right away something was odd because an attractive millionaire in really great shape is unlikely to be single at forty years old. I didn't notice though. I thought he was a lot of fun. We would go out to some quiet little place and have a glass of wine or wander around the city. It started off very low key. I was uncomfortable going out with him because I didn't want him spending money on me and I didn't have much at the time. We spent a lot of time at his gorgeous lower east side apartment. One night we ordered a pizza and this should have been the major tipoff. When the delivery guy showed up he could barely speak English and couldn't understand why W was being sarcastic about it taking almost an hour to arrive. W got agitated with him, barely tipped the guy, started yelling, and slammed the door on him. I was in shock. I recall saying "What the hell was that about?" but he didn't seem to understand I was talking about him. I let it go but it obviously didn't leave my mind.

The more time we spent together the more I realized he was constantly trying to impress me with with his possessions and the lavish life he could provide for me. At the same time he was slowly cutting me with little reminders of how little I have or the insignificance of my career. He sought out my insecurities and used them against me. If I had realized that in the beginning I would have run for the hills but he was sneaky about it. It was a slow process.

W had a house in Miami but during the time we dated he spent a lot of time in New York with me. The few times he spent a weekend at his house he would call me and tell me to go hop a jet blue flight. He supposedly missed me and wanted to see me right away. He was going to pay and I just couldn't handle that so I never went. Looking back on those moments I realize he was trying to use this as another way to manipulate me. I'm glad I didn't take the bait.

Over Thanksgiving I attended a family reunion at my parents house in Illinois. W called me several times a day. It seemed charming at first that he cared so much he kept checking in. I think he was lonely that Holiday. I don't remember what was said anymore. I think I blocked it out but I remember being so embarrassed and disappointed with him over what he said to me that I hid from my family and cried. I was screwed at this point because I really did care about him. Stupid Stupid Girl.

Then I got strong again. Manipulate me and you get it back. I disappeared for a bit but then we started talking again. He told me he wanted me to stay at his apartment while he was living in Miami. I said no. He would try to mess with my emotions and I would turn the tables on him so fast he didn't know what hit him. Don't think I don't know your insecurities too honey.

One time we were sitting in front of his fireplace and he was harassing me about something. I said, "Don't start with me. Don't think I won't hit you." He continued. With the back of my left hand I hit him in the chest. You know the kind. A "Knock it off." tap. He screamed in a high pitched tone like a little girl which caught me off guard so I immediately fell for his games again and asked very concerned if he was okay. I quote, "I can't believe you hit me. Never, never hit me like that again." I laughed in his face. You are kidding, right? I thought it was a joke. He was serious. Confused I let it go but about an hour later out of the blue he said. "Don't you ever hit me again." Look, I'm not an abusive person and if I thought I had hurt him or did anything wrong I would apologize but this was outrageous.

There were a few more occasions, usually over the phone, where he would say something outright rude and eventually I was fed up. I cared about him at some point but he killed it. I finally admitted to my friends that I thought he was emotionally abusive and I was done. He kept calling and sending me rude e-mails. I ignored him. I saw him almost a year later. He was in town because he was backing a new restaurant about to open. I showed up for a minute to say hello before meeting a friend. He asked me why it was over. I told him I felt he was emotionally abusive. He offered me a job as a go-go dancer. That was the last slap in the face. I told him he would be lonely forever and left.

On the outside of this relationship I was viewed as the young gold digger that was with him for the money. I don't know what people said to him about me but I can assume. I know everyone around me thought it was ridiculous I was dating a man so much older. There were certainly labels. Poor pathetic W didn't realize he had no reason to be so insecure with me. I think he had been used for his money before but I'm not that person. I think he knew that too. He just didn't know how to treat someone right. It explains a lot in retrospect. I don't regret anything because I learned a lot. I learned what that sort of relationship is like and I will never be in one again.

Looking back over this post I realize I painted a dark picture. I want to reiterate that wasn't all there was to it. I am not the type to take shit from people. There was a real romance happening at the same time. It's just obscured by my memories of all the bad.

Slumber Party - Rated R

I have a feeling this story won't be nearly as exciting as Jay was hoping but never the less it's good to know about these things. So, last Saturday I was invited to a "Slumber Party" by a friend of mine. I know the guys are picturing girls in teddies having pillow fights and making out and I won't burst that bubble but this kind of slumber party was different. It's not a sleep over. It's an all lady erotic toy party. Still want to keep reading?

The party was being held by my friend's two closest girlfriends. When we get to their apartment door one answers and says. "Oh, my God. There are so many girls here. I don't even know most of them!" This was not excitement. This was panic. Now, in NYC apartments you can't fit a whole lot of people so when I walked in and there were twenty other ladies I started suffocating on the estrogen. After several glasses of wine and some sort of vodka punch, they shoved us all into the living room and began the presentation.

It starts off with the presenter, "Bee", telling us that she is just a normal middle-age housewife with kids and a mini van. She started doing these parties so that she could go into business for herself and set up her own hours. She has a lot of fun and lots of toys.. blah blah blah.

So first things first, she passed around lingerie. There were so many outfits it was unbelievable. We passed everything around the room and held on to anything we wanted because if we model it for everyone we get a discount. Sweet!

For the first half of the night we started out with books that teach you techniques on massage, pleasing yourself, pleasing your man, and positions. Really though, who wants a book? Then we moved on to whips, swings, and massagers. The massagers and oil they passed around the room so now you have twenty tipsy girls packed into a room clutching lingerie and massaging each other with oils. The oils segue into lotions, lubricants, and gels that stimulate certain areas. One of the best sellers is "Nympho Niagra." So they have some volunteers try it out and tell the rest of us if it works. Going by expressions alone it works very well. It's also edible by the way. They sell synthetic human pheromones that are supposedly a sexual attractant and the sent changes for each persons body chemistry. I thought it smelled horrible. You can get goo that coats your throat to keep you from gagging. One of the creations I found impressive was an almond scented candle that when burned turns into massage oil. Then when poured it doesn't ruin your bed sheets.

Now it's time for a break. So what do all these ladies do? Try on the lingerie of course! I think some people got a little uncomfortable because half the party left at this point. After placing their orders that is. Maybe it was for the best because in act two she brought out the heavy artillery. On top of a folding table in the corner was a really long case that looks like it might be holding a a keyboard. Inside this case is a plethora of vibrators and dildos. Things for you. Things to share. All shapes and all colors. I was a little scared. I was a little scared that this lady kept this case in her house somewhere and she has kids. They could poke their eye out. I won't elaborate on this anymore because this blog is rated R. Not NC-17. Anyway, when the presentation was over we placed our orders then I stuck around to help pack up. In the end it was a great/expensive night. I got home around three am and as I was falling asleep I thought, wouldn't it be nice if everyone had slumber parties?

Thought Drought

I'm at work and I don't have my pictures to participate in WWC right now. I might blow it off this week because frankly, my brain died. I can't think of anything I want to write about. I tried making a list but I can't seem to get a full story out. What do you think? What should I share? Here is what came to mind for things from my past that I could share:

- Touring for three months doing a children's theater show. Playing a man.

- My craigslist missed connection found.

- Working for the crazy guy that had the FBI visit my mother.

- The older millionaire ex with a whole lot of issues.

- The "Slumber Party" I went to last Saturday.

- Practicing witchcraft as a pre-teen. (I think it worked too well.)

- Making collections calls on 9/11.

- Memories of attending a Musical Theater Academy. (All actors are crazy.)

- Getting accosted by homeless people while handing out water. Meeting Seth Green and then causing a car accident. Oh, wait. That was pretty much the whole story.

Anything sound like it might be worth sharing? I'm also taking suggestions. I can't give up on blogging just because I'm in a thought drought. *LOUD SIGH* Sorry folks.

You might as well just Warholize yourself....

When The Creative Juices Are Dry, Take a Quiz.

I didn't know what to come up with today so I went and found some quiz somewhere and filled it out. I think it was supposed to be a quiz about the soul but it really isn't. This is what happens when you hit the blog wall.

1. If you could take more control of one aspect of your life, what would it be? My career path seems to have gotten out of my control and I don't know how to back peddle at this point.

2. If you were to state the difference between the male soul and the female soul, what would it be? I'm not sure there is one. People put way to much importance on gender roles and it's completely unnecessary. You just are what you are.

3. If you had to give control of your destiny to any one person, who would get it? I would give that control to my mother because I think she understands what I would do and she would think of what I would want rather than what she would choose. I would trust her with that.

4. If after you die your spirit could protect anyone in the world, who would you pick? I guess I would pick my brother. My spirit could protect him in bar fights. What? There aren't any babies in my immediate family.

5. If you were to name the most comforting thing for you to hold in your hands, what would it be? Myself. I hold myself and everything is okay. Alright, I'm kidding. I can't really think of an object that comforts me. Casey comforts me. Casey it is.

6. If you were to leave instructions for what music would be played at your funeral or wake, what would it be? I remember writing my will once. I'm pretty sure I wrote in the instructions "I don't care what song you play but it better not be me singing it. That would be creepy." Obviously this wasn't a legal copy. I would like them to play The Best of Julie London. Is that odd? Her music was a little sexual.

7. If you could learn one thing (but only one thing) about your own death right now, what would you want it to be? Will anyone benefit from my organs? I'm going to donate them regardless but wouldn't it be cool to know they were going to help someone for sure?

8. If you made a very big mistake of some kind, who, of the people you know, would you first confess it to? Depends what it was. Probably A. (One of my closest friends and roommate for four years.) I tend to tell her those sorts of things a lot.

9. If you were to describe your attitude toward sin, what would you say? I would say people need to really think about that word and decide for themselves why they believe certain things are sins. Because someone told them so or because morally it is unfair and hurts others? I won't elaborate on this here.

10. If you could ask a psychic one question, knowing you would get a true answer, what would you ask? Am I on the right path? If they say no then you might as well pack up and get on a new one, right?

11. If there was one primary law or principle you lived by, what would you say it was? Crap. I don't have one. Today I'm feeling like "Live and Let Live" is the law I would like to live by but it's so hard sometimes.

12. If you had to name the best thing about getting older, what would you say it is? Everything you learn along the way. That was easy. Wouldn't it be unfortunate to grow older and never discover anything new?

13. If you were to select a person whose persona does not fit their body type, who would it be? I don't like this questions. It's about pre judgment based on looks and I don't know how to answer properly.

14. If you were to name three people throughout your life that helped to complete you as a person, who would they be? My grandmother Blanche who I'm still very close to. My mother and my father who still live in the same house surprisingly enough. The person I am is definitely a blend of those people and the way they raised me.

15. If you were to say there is a person who truly practices what they preach, who would it be? Uh, Ghandi? Man this is a tough one. I, in general, don't fully believe anything anyone says. I think the problem is that people keep preaching. There is no need for that.

16. If you were to name the most comforting place to be touched by another's hands, where would it be? I usually don't like people touching me unless I am very emotionally close to them. At that point everything is comfortable. If it is anyone else I suppose my back. It leaves a disconnect that keeps a certain comfort level.

17. If you were to name the one thing you have the most compassion for, what would it be? People with a terminal illness. How could you not have compassion for that? It's permanent and frightening and they have to live knowing what will happen. I can't even imagine what they go through.

18. If you had to admit the most selfish thing you do on a regular basis, what would you say? Blog. I don't think that is a surprise to anyone. It's not like I take a strong stance on big issues or do any public service on my blog. It's pretty damn selfish.

19. If you were to design a room for contemplation, what would it look like, and what would be in it? A few chaise lounges. A big leather couch. Giant pillows. Plain walls. Nothing distracting just comfortable. It would be well lit. Perfect temperature at all times. Ooh a hammock would be nice! There would be paper and black felt tip pens for note taking. A tape recorder. That's just off the top of my head.

20. If you had to pick one dream you've had that came closest to coming true, which was it? So far a few of my dreams have come true. I moved to New York over six years ago. That was my biggest dream from my youth and I'm still thankful every day I live here that it came true.

Dork Spork and Etsy Fun

Tink made awards for the dorks that went ahead and used her April Fool's joke for part of the WWC. I couldn't help doing it. Monkeyshine is such a great word! Plus, I've wanted to decorate that ugly painting in the hall ever since I moved in. So thanks Tink for my Dork Spork!


Tink is also the one that tricked me into becoming an Etsy addict. Here is my latest purchase.




I also found these odd tidbits:

Sharing floss with the ones you love.

Oww! My Eyes!

Kidney Needs A Wax

Boy George

Children That Haunt Me

WWC Tuesday

I'm in a rush today but I wanted to hurry up and post my WWC hosted by Tink over at Pickled Beef. This weeks words were Rough, Smooth, Monkeyshine, and something else like monkeyshine that I don't remember. Here we go:

This is my rough face wash exfoliant that makes my skin lovely and smooth.

After exfoliating you apply this lotion. See, smooth skin!

This here is some art work located in the hallway of my building. I thought she would look better with a little facial hair so I made her this stash. I think my neighbors will enjoy her more now.

That's it. I'm off to catch some live music.

*Warning* Emotional Post

It was a year ago in March when I had my first seizure and in May I had my last seizure. You would think I would be over it, right? Well, obviously I'm not. It has become difficult for me to talk about this issue in particular because it still makes me emotional and I am embarrassed that I can't get past something so simple from so long ago because it really wasn't that big of a deal. I have somehow turned it into one.

A little background on what happened. I had a seizure alone in my room at night in March. I had no idea what happened. In the morning I went to the emergency room. They did some tests, said I had a seizure, and sent me home. I met a neurologist who did more tests, said he thought I was fine, and sent me home. In May I had another seizure at Casey's apartment, also in bed. He called an ambulance and I went to the ER. They put me on meds to keep me from having any more seizures. I will continue taking them twice a day for at least 3 years.

Now I should be fine. I take my medication and it has been almost a full year. Unfortunately I'm not. At first the meds were making me feel really weird and that made me paranoid. I didn't like that walking in a bubble feeling. The doctor said wait it out. It took awhile but I did adjust. The meds were nothing compared to my fear of falling asleep. For some reason I associate the feeling of falling asleep or just sleeping in general with the pain of having a seizure. Over the past year I have had countless nights of intense anxiety and panic. There has been a lot of sobbing and an irrational fear of dying. This usually happens when I'm trying to go to sleep.

I started to see a Neurological psychiatrist for a short while. This was when I wasn't having the bad nights as frequently but the anxiety wasn't gone. Talking to her made me mad and only seemed to make my nightly panic worse. She did give me sedatives that I tried not to take but on a couple occasions were a huge help. Every time I saw her I was upset all over again. I stopped going. I also couldn't really afford it because my insurance barely covered anything. I thought I was strong enough to get through it on my own.

For awhile there I was absolutely fine. I always take the meds. I'm able to sleep. I'm not disoriented at work. I'm no longer causing problems in my own life. Then out of nowhere it came back last night. I have no idea what happened or what could have triggered it. I have not been thinking about it, talking about it, or doing anything I think might cause it. Both Saturday and Sunday were very laid back days. Didn't do a whole lot. Ate normal foods. No drinking. For some reason when I tried falling asleep last night I started freaking out. I know when it is happening that it doesn't make sense. I know I'm being irrational. I can't help it. My heart wouldn't slow down. It was beating too fast and no matter what I did as far as breathing or focusing on meditating, it didn't work. I started to hyperventilate. For hours I repeated to myself "You're okay, you're not going to die." I felt like my brain was spinning in circles in my head. I caught myself holding my breath and clenching my jaw. I tried taking a sedative. Nothing was working and the last time I remember checking the clock was 5am. I must have finally fallen asleep.

I know I sound crazy. I know this makes people think I'm a hypochondriac. I just don't know if anyone understands how terrifying it is. It sounds like such a silly thing and yet it is tormenting me. I am doing this to myself and I can't stop. What can I do at this point? I guess keep living and keep hoping it goes away.

Like I said before, it is difficult to talk about this sort of thing. I find it very embarrassing and it makes me feel like a weak person with no self control. I don't want to talk to anyone in person about it anymore so I turn to my blog to get some things out in the open. Hope I didn't scare anyone away from reading in the future. I'll go back to the usual style of Knight Ramblings tomorrow.

Introducing Al

Today my blogging mentor (she hasn't exactly agreed to the mentoring) Tink of Pickled Beef awarded me with this:

Thanks Tink! It's an honor coming from you, the coolest chick in blogland.

Today I messed with my blog layout a tiny bit. I changed the top banner text and it almost looks the same but I almost made a huge jump to this:



Then I decided it looked a little too crime drama or night court. Very misleading. My co-worker suggested I include a hampster in a parachute falling in the skyline. I don't really understand that one yet but kudos to him for being creative. I also changed up my profile pic to what I call "escaping from the asylum". Casey says I look crazy in the photo so he always harasses me about it. The crazy is exactly why I like it! You all already know I'm crazy if you have read even one blog entry. I have nothing to hide here.

Speaking of crazy, I would like to introduce you to my roommate Al.

Al and I are good friends. I met him at Ikea and we hit it off. I agreed to look out for him as long as he didn't mind me singing and talking at him quite a bit. So far he has proved to be an excellent apartment mate. By that I mean, he has not died on me. I am very proud it's working out.

Today at work I took a few photos of the view from our office.

It's a nice view but it's sad to sit in Queens all day and stare at the place you want to be. The place where all the action is. *Sigh* I'm in love with this city.

Just Peachy

Today the ever so creative and hilarious Doc over at You Just Keep On Believing That awarded me with his highly coveted Peach.



Mentioning orgies with gnomes will get you everywhere in life. If you find that last statement confusing you will just have to go on over and check out the blog. I was awarded as this week's Tuesday Word Game Winner. Go get in on the fun.
Thanks Doc!


In other news, I don't know this woman but her videos make me happy:



What the hell was that?

April Fools! WWC3

I'm not going to try to blog prank anyone today. I thought about it. I had some ideas but they might have been scary. So that was a no go. I'm a fan of a good joke but it's so easy for them to go horribly wrong. So no pranking from me today.

Earlier today I got a shocking text from my boyfriend. He spent twenty minutes giving CPR to a man on the train this morning while waiting for the paramedics to come. The guy was probably dead. Casey is a nursing student right now and was on his way to class. He and one other woman stayed with this guy and performed CPR until someone came. I really admire the hell out of him.

Today is Weekly Words Challenge hosted by Tink of Pickled Beef. This weeks words were Shiny and Era. I will admit I didn't try very hard this time but at least I played. This is a shiny platinum curl.
It is on a wig from another era. See the Marilyn Monroe style below.

These pictures are a little darker than they should be but you can click to see the enlarged version.

Here we have Jazz and Blues music covering the last century. See how nice the look in the shiny cases?

Toodles friends and freaks. Have a lovely harass others day!