Say YES to Rush & the Rams!

I want Rush Limbaugh to become a prominent investor of the St. Louis Rams football franchise – an owner, if you will. I want this to happen as much as I wanted Barack Obama to become president. Maybe I want this a little bit more.

This absolutely needs to happen. For America.

Limbaugh, a Missouri native, most certainly has the cash. The politically ultra-conservative radio showman is a hugely successful businessman. He’s a passionate football fan. He even has previous administrative experience working for a pro sports franchise. And he is a household name, and this helps a team draw attention and ticket sales.

The team needs help. It currently owns the league’s longest active losing streak (14). And ever since Rams wideout Ricky Proehl, proclaimed “The dynasty starts tonight!” to an NFL Films cameraman shortly before the kickoff of Super Bowl 36, St. Louis has a sorry 33-63 record with 2 playoff appearances, 1 playoff-game victory, and no championships. No dynasties, either.

Part of me believes this is simply too good to be true, that Limbaugh’s ownership bid is going to end before it begins. Opponents of the great man's politics are currently going batshit over this, and it’s clear the NFL doesn’t have any stomach for this type of publicity. And you know the shit is hitting the fan when the sports columnists start writing about politics and racism. This thing got ugly fast.

Sadly, all that might come out this is another hot, heaping serving of undeserved attention for El Rushbo, and more "proof" that a left-wing political/media conspiracy is out to crush him and his “dream” of owning a football team. Because, after all, the liberals are all trying to snuff out the American way of “capitalism, liberty, and rugged individualism” (Rush's words, not mine).

Why can’t there be room for El Rushbo in the owners' box? Shawn C. Carter, aka Jay-Z, has made millions of dollars churning out controversial rap hits (with lyrics like: “You know I thug 'em, fuck 'em, love 'em, leave 'em / Cause I don't fuckin' need 'em / Take 'em out the hood / Keep 'em looking good / But I don't fuckin' feed em / First time they fuss I'm breezin' / Talking 'bout what's the reasons / I'm a pimp in every sense of the word, bitch …) …

… and he’s co-owner of the NBA’s New Jersey Nets. Also, liberal political commentator Keith Olbermann is the pre-game co-host of NBC’s “Football Night in America.”

Let Rush own the Rams. Please. I’m begging.

Because just as Limbaugh proudly said he hopes President Obama “fails,” I want Rush to step out of his fabricated radio universe and once again fail at a real-world endeavor. I quote a paragraph from Charlie Pierce’s book, “Idiot America":

“The track record indicates that when the world he’s created comes into contact with reality, Rush fares rather less well. His TV show was a debacle. A guest shot hosting Pat Sajak’s late-night show ended with him nearly booed into the Pacific and sweating like a whore at high mass. And he had a brief stint as an NFL analyst on ESPN that foundered when he divined a liberal conspiracy to promote the career of Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb. … [Limbaugh] has since largely eschewed events not of his own devising.”

I want Limbaugh to be true to himself as an NFL owner. And I’d hope – no, demand -- that he:
-- Lash out at the league’s socialistic salary-cap system;
-- Treat us to a tirade about TV revenue sharing and how it’s a travesty how the worst team receives as much money as much as the best;
-- Fight to abolish the “Rooney Rule,” which smacks of a blatant affirmative-action agenda;
-- Convince fellow team owners to abolish the welfare state that is the NFL draft, which allows a team that did badly one year to get first crack at the best new players coming in;
-- Ridicule the minimum-salary guarantees that were established by the union;
-- Enlighten us, as an OxyContin abuser, how the NFL could maintain its strict drug-abuse policies.

Then let's see once again how this warped f*ckhead fits in.

At best, he’d be true to his radio character and horrify the NFL and the entire country, and his brief reign as an owner would end in disgrace. … You thought, the ancient “quarterback option” offense was back in vogue? Here comes the all-white roster, cornerbacks and all! ... Dallas vs. St. Louis: America's Team vs. White America's Team. ... African-American stars refusing to play for the Rams. Talented coaches and GMs staying away from the organization in droves. Picketers outside the stadium on game day! ... Yes, let Rush the radio character own a real team. Limbaugh would make Geroge Preston Marshall look like Branch Rickey!

(And honestly, how fun would it be to root for Limbaugh’s Rams to lose – no, get absolutely CRUSHED – every autumn weekend? I’m giddy at the thought.)

Or Rush the Empy Suit would exclude himself from the day-to-day workings of a pro sports franchise, prove himself to be the cowardly blowhard he really is by simply enjoying the view from the owners’ box, shutting his big stupid mouth, and having nothing to say about the "socialism" of the NFL ... and ultimately keeping with my favorite American ideal: the separation of politics and sports.

Either way, we win.

Tony Atlas Shrugged

What would happen if fans stopped attending sporting events, presumably because tickets prices are too high, which is presumably because athletes’ salaries are too high?

And what would happen if the commissioners of the major sports leagues told their athletes they were making too much money, and the salary system was going to change immediately.

What would happen if the athletes went on strike and the team owners, and presumably the fans, refused to budge on the ideal that athletes should not be allowed make millions of dollars more per year than the average worker?

Is that something we’d be interested in?

Because a recent ESPN/Seton Hall University poll proclaimed that the majority of its respondents (40 percent) said that baseball’s biggest problem is players making too much money.

Huh? … What? … Whuh?

Not steroids? Not the prices of tickets? Not the length of ballgames? Not the length of the season? Not the dwindling numbers of African-Americans playing the game? Not the “Viva Viagra” commercials played incessantly on TV to young viewers? Not the fact that the most important games of the season aren’t decided until hours after little kids have gone to bed?

It’s not Bud Selig? It’s not even Jeannie Zelasko?

The biggest problem in our national game — and no, historically and culturally, the American Rugby League (a.k.a., the NFL) is not our national pastime, but that’s a post for another day — is that Manny Ramirez and Alex Rodriguez make too much money??? That Scott Boras is too good of an agent?? That the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox and the Los Angeles Dodgers spend too much money on salaries???

Oh sure, millions of people are outraged right now over bailouts and economic nationalism and unseemly bonus money, yadda, yadda, yadda. And, oh boy, was there an outcry from many of these same people when Candidate Obama suggested that people making more than $250,000 per year should pay a larger percentage in taxes than those who are comparatively closer to the poverty line! (Remember those idiotic chain e-mails, supposedly based upon an "actual" classroom exercise by an “actual” high school teacher that likened tax hikes on the wealthy to an entire class automatically getting C’s?)

But you ask these same millions of nimrods if there should be salary caps in sports, they say Yes. Definitely yes! Why? Because it’s “not fair” that large-market teams like the Yankees have a major financial advantage! The playing field, in baseball, is “not level!” I’ve stopped counting how many dummies I know who say they enjoy football more than baseball because the American Rugby League “has parity” and doesn’t allow teams to simply outspend everyone else.

Though, when you look at the past 10 Super Bowl champs …

(Pittsburgh, New York, Indianapolis, Pittsburgh, New England, New England, Tampa Bay, New England, Baltimore, St. Louis)

… And the past 10 World Series champs:

(Philadelphia, Boston, St. Louis, Chicago, Boston, Florida, Anaheim, Arizona, New York, New York)

… I’m not exactly seeing much of a difference in “parity.” If anything, the playing field looks a tiny bit more “level” in baseball, the sport without a salary cap. Just sayin’.

In Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand argued that individual achievements (and the financial fruit of that achievement) enable society to thrive, and that, over time, coerced self-sacrifice cheapens and ultimately destroys a society.

Listen to any hard-core football fan (or better yet, Steve Young or Emmitt Smith) long enough, and you'll hear them complain about how the best NFL teams of today can't compare to the old Steelers or Niners or Cowboys juggernauts. Why? The salary cap.

So let Manny and A-Rod get their money if somebody’s willing to pay them. Let the teams from New York and Boston and Los Angeles outspend everyone if they have the resources to do so. Who cares if a left-handed pitcher or a trash-talking wide receiver breaks the bank? Why do you really care?

Or then, let’s not pay the very best athletes a dime more than your average CEO — still a pretty sweet salary, if you ask me — and let them walk off the playing field in disgust. Let them quit.

And then let’s not pay any attention to sports, and let’s start watching a hell of a lot more CSPAN, and let's start paying a lot more attention to how our children do in math class, which probably is something we should’ve been doing all along …

Wow

Duke really still gets all the calls, huh?