The Hidden Me

Anais Nin.

I've sort of loved her for a long time...really, since I remember becoming a woman.

And while she has many, this is one of my favorite quotes.

“There were always in me, two women at least, one woman desperate and bewildered, who felt she was drowning and another who would leap into a scene, as upon a stage, conceal her true emotions because they were weaknesses, helplessness, despair, and present to the world only a smile, an eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, interest.”


Her direct wit and instant access to all that is vulnerable, real, sensual and true resonates abundantly with me, especially this morning....


At the end of my daughter Claire's ballet class, I high tailed it to the library to spend some time with my three-year old reading and wrangling puzzles.

After too much coffee, I made a quick pit stop in the restroom. I was in the stall getting ready to do my thing, when I heard a voice say, "I love that you run every morning.  It's inspiring."


Um, thank you, I said with no idea who was talking to me.  And then, because I suck at accepting a compliment, I blurted out, "Don't be impressed.  Mostly, it's a lot of huffing and puffing.  But the early morning seems to be the only time that I can make it work in my life."


Eager to pee, but unsure if she'd retort back, I waited.


"Your blog is cool too.  It's nice to know that someone else is just trying to get by."


"Oh, wow.  Thanks."  And then, because I couldn't take the anonymous identity any longer, I peed like a race horse and rushed out.


It was a friend that I hadn't seen in many moons who was at the library with her kids as well.  We're friends on Facebook, but she rarely posts and so, I had forgotten that she sees my daily status updates and blog.


Washing our hands, she said, "Really, keep running and writing. It gives me the kick I need to get out the door."


And that was it.  She was gone back to her littles and I was stunned.  What I wanted to say to her was, I'm a fraud.  I run slow and I write because I can't help myself...most of it is gibberish at best.  No need to be inspired by me.

Then, I harkened back to Anais Nin.  So much of who we are is wrapped in all of the things that we're not.  We present a smiling face to the people who cross our path, but hidden deep inside lives fear, anxiety, wounds, disappointments, misgivings, bewilderment.


And I suppose the goal is to let go of that which we think we are not and trust in what we know to be true to make the most of this life we've been given.  We're all here for a reason.  Our path has a chartered course.  No one else can leave the unique foot print that is all our own to share.  It is up to us to honor the parts of the woman that are filled with despair and hopelessness while at the same time choosing to greet the opportunity of a new day with hope and possibility. 

Inside of us lives many people...there's no doubt about that.  The question is who will you choose to share with the world?

Kelly's Hot Mess Celebrates First Year Anniversary!

One year ago today, I was in need.

Feeling stifled, a bit isolated and bubbling with so many thoughts that couldn't be contained any longer in the form of a journal...I decided to create and share my blog.

I titled it "Kelly's Hot Mess," primarily because on any given day that's really how I view my life...a compilation of craziness that takes the shape of raising three wacky kiddos, banging my head around being the most authentic and available wife I can be, running so I can feel my body in motion, and playing around with what it means to be alive in the most "real" way that I can document.

Since my inaugural, introductory blip, I've written 276 posts that revolve around the stories of my life and the crazy thoughts in my head.

I have been abundantly grateful for all of the commentary that the blog has elicited...some constructive, some controversial...but all helpful.  Private messages from readers have encouraged me that I'm not alone in my journey and collectively, that we're all trying to do the best we can.

My hope is to continue writing in this medium and maybe, maybe just one day expanding it into a collection of short stories or an essay submission to my favorite column, "Modern Love" in the Sunday New York Times.

Until then, know that I appreciate your readership, but more importantly, I treasure your friendship and the many ways that we've reconnected through "Kelly's Hot Mess."

Happy Anniversary!