TOP TEN!

Hello one and all! Welcome back to Keaton Thoughts!

Man, today I am kinda depressed. You know why? Because it is only Monday. But it FEELS like Wednesday. Hmmm.... Maybe since it already feels like Wednesday, I will do a TOP TEN!

TOP TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT MODERN SOCIETY

10. I am considered rude if I don't answer your text right away.
9. Video Arcades just have ticket winning games now! They are like casinos for kids.
8. Will Ferrell
7. On your report card, "C" is marked "Average". COME ON!
6. Miley Cyrus dancing on a stripper pole at age 16.
5. People seem to take offense when you point out things that are wrong with them.
4. People should not be able to obtain a Driver's License after age 85.
3. TV isn't funny anymore.
2. We can't name our children normal names anymore! Classic names like Lloyd and Susan have been replaced with super-overly-original ones like Sunflower and Shovakicker.

And the #1 thing I hate about Modern Society...

1. Fat used to mean rich and successful, now the meaning of the word has been twisted! Just sayin'.

As always, thanks for reading, peace.

Ridiculous!

Hello all who support the cause of Keaton! There are a couple things happening right now that are so ridiculous that they warrant another installment of everyone's favorite recurring segment: RIDICULOUS!

-FACEBOOK! This cyber-stupidity has gotten out of control! I am taking a stand against FaceBook. I thought my friends were with me but apparently the only true friend I have is Jill. Do you need proof? HERE IT IS!

FIFTY-MILLION REASONS WHY FACEBOOK IS GAY.

1. I wouldn't come and write crap on your wall. Don't do it to me. I would rather TALK to you.
2. It seems like people don't even have time to hang out anymore. They have to constantly run to their computer because their fake plants are dying a fake death on their stupid fake farm. FARMVILLE is almost as lame as SMALLVILLE.
3. I am not on there. That should instantly tell you it is not cool.
4. The word "FaceBook" comes from the latin phrase "phace bwook" which literally translates to: "A whole lotta pervs." Why would I want to post pictures of myself on there? I AM NOT AN OBJECT TO OOGLE.
Reasons 5-50,000,000 will come later.

-I had a nightmare the other day. I was at a restaurant purchasing some lunch when all of the sudden I realized that I was charged 3 times what the food was worth! Then I realized something else. IT WASN'T A DREAM! I WAS AT FIVE GUYS!

On a lighter note. Congratulations to Mr. Josh Cheney and Mrs. Rachel Cheney! They got Married in the Bountiful Temple on Friday the 22nd! Josh has the dubious distinction of being the only person to ever substitute for Keaton on the blog and therefore is awesome! He has also served as a comedic consultant for as long as the blog has been around and was an important fixture on the early days of the blog. A special thank you to you, Joshuway!

As Always, thanks for reading. Peace.

Returning to Roots....

Thursday December 10th. A perfect day.......for KEATON THOUGHTS!

COSTCO...... is the worst place to go if you don't want to be FAT. I believe the corporate vision of Costco is to make all people obese. I reached this conclusion by thinking about the reasons why a person would need to shop at Costco.

REASONS WHY YOU WOULD NEED TO SHOP AT COSTCO

- While making dinner, you discover that your recipe calls for a 3/4 gallon of mayo. Unfortunately, you only have 2 pints.
-You realize that the pie you bought from Marie Callandar's only serves 10 NON-obese people.
-Your family uses up more then 100 ding dongs per week.
-You like to purchase cheese in 40lb bags.

Head my warnings people! Besides, is it really cheaper?

GRADUATION...... lacks something. Hmmmm. Maybe the word is "excitement"? You sit in school for years and your reward is to sashay across the stage while wearing a mumu during which some guy mispronounces your name. You also have to wait three hours for everyone else to take their turn too. I think I would feel better rewarded if the university just bought me a happy meal or something.

And last but not least......

ARBY'S!.... Is at it again! They now have new "$5.01 combos." This is demeaning and sexist! Why is it sexist you ask? Because men never carry around change! We HATE change. So now Arby's is making us give them $6 or $10 so we can be cursed with 99 cents in change! I have never heard of anything more evil, but then again it is Arby's. So I guess it is not that surprising. If there is indeed a cafeteria in Hell, then I'm sure it will be franchised by Arby's.

As always, thanks for reading. Peace.

YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE

Greetings Keatonites.

It is once again time for everyone's favorite segment: YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE. When Keaton tells you a couple of behaviors that there is absolutely no excuse for.

1: Buying a Dell: Say I go to the store and see a pie that looks tasty for $10. However, right next to the pie is a piece of buffalo crap. Now I know that eating pie is WAY better then eating buffalo feces, but I decide to buy the poo anyeay because it is only $6 and they ship it to my house for free. WRONG!

2: Watching any movie with Will Ferrell: Say I am standing on the curb, minding my own business when some loser stumbles up to me and tells dirty and unfunny jokes till I get way offended and throw up. Do I give this guy $9.50 for taking up some of my time? NO!

3: Last but not least for today: Eating at Village Inn: If you want to be sick and get nasty diarrhea, you can do that at Taco Bell for a lot cheaper.

As always, thanks for reading. Peace.

Blackmail

Keatonites:

I had planned for a small sabbatical. However, it turned into much more. I started to really enjoy the freedom that I couldn't have in the blogging world.

I recently learned of Jill's comments. 25 of them to be exact asking for more Keaton Thoughts. I tried hard to ignore them but then the final straw came when I got an evil blackmail. And who do you think it was that blackmailed me? Well ask yourself this question: "When I say "evil" you automatically think of: _______".

...

That's right! ANDREA!

No not really, but I thought it was funny. Anyway, I am forced to post one more time. I shall try to make it worth your while. Find that post above.

TOP TEN List!

Hello Keatonites! Welcome to another exciting TOP TEN list! Today's subject was given to us by our good friend NIKKI PATTERSON! Way to go Nikki. You have won a special prize! An all expense paid trip to Albertson's! (I didn't bring anything for lunch today)

TOP TEN THINGS THAT ARE MAKING AMERICANS STUPID and/or LAZY

10. Escalators on flights of stairs that are like ten steps.

9. Keith Olbermann.

8. Online Pizza Ordering. (from your mobile phone!)

7. The SNOOZE button.

Just so everyone knows, the snooze button is based on the idea that when the alarm goes off in the morning, you are NOT getting up.

6. CNN

5. The Drive-Thru.

Makes perfect sense. If you are going to eat a meal that is 19,000 calories, why even bother getting up to eat it?

4. Grocery Store electric carts.

You know, these used to just be for injured or handicap folks. But having worked at a grocery store, I can tell you that they are now mostly for sweat folk. (That is my name for the people that are so huge that they can only wear massive sweat pants.)

3. Magazine Quizzes

2. Text Messaging.

Because having a conversation with someone is just so much WORK.

1. The Government

Because I would make more money by quitting my job.

As always, thanks for reading. Peace.

I Am Failing Life

Yesterday I fell into the swimming pool fully clothed in front of every woman in the ward. (there was a baby shower going on).

I have nothing more to say. I will be in mourning for at least another two days.

As always, thanks for reading. Peace

U.S. Airways Filled My Vacation With Sewage

Hello Keatonites!

Well, I just got back from my trip to New York City! I LOVE MANHATTAN! However, lots of things happened to me that filled my vacation with SEWAGE. In other words: poopy experiences.

1. The housekeeping guy at the hotel started watching porn in the room next to mine and the hotel called me back to my room and I had to make sure nothing was stolen.

2. I was asked if I wanted to go into a strip club. I told the guy I was LDS. (True Story)

3. U.S. Airways bumped 15 people, including me, from a flight! I had to wait for 9 hours to get on another flight! I HATE US Airways!

But enough of that, on to something even more heinous.

FIVE GUYS!


I can't deny that they make a good burger. However, they are WAY overpriced! I demand lower prices!


Oh, and also, Because our good friend Kyle is supportive of them, he has now become a much hated enemy of the blog.


He wouldn't let me use a picture of him, so instead I had to use this picture of Lion-o.

But if you see him, please cause mild to moderate physical injury to him. He is weak at the neck, and just below the belt.

As always, thanks for reading. Peace.

What Kind of SAUCE?!

Sauce. The universal symbol of love and respect. Sauce is what truly brings us all together and binds us. Do you know what is making the man in the picture angry? It is because his chicken was SAUCELESS! I love sauce and there are so many different kinds. Which is why they are perfect for my all new segment on my blog appropriately titled: WHAT KIND OF SAUCE?!

You see, instead of my usual rants made on this blog, I will now rant and compare things to sauce! Most of the things featured on this segment will be current events. Great idea huh? Right. Now let us begin.

First on the list. KEATON THOUGHTS! You know, I have never ranted about my own blog before but now is a great time to start. Statistics have shown that people who regularly read Keaton Thoughts are happier, sexier, and more awesome! And they get more fiber too! Keaton Thoughts keeps you regular! Why is this you ask? Because I am always right! So WHAT KIND OF SAUCE is KEATON THOUGHTS?


BULLSEYE! Of course because I am always right!


Next up, Boston's. Now this is a terrible restaurant and everyone knows it but there is one thing that makes the whole situation weird. Everything on their menu looks fantastic! It is all an elaborate lie! So WHAT KIND OF SAUCE is BOSTON'S?



ARBY'S SAUCE! Raved about, but TOTALLY DISGUSTING!



Last item on today's list: TWILIGHT! Now anybody who has ever read this book will agree with this. Those books are terrible! And the movie looks like it could have been released on the hallmark channel as an original movie. I have a coin jar at work that I think has more money then the budget used to make that piece of crap movie. So WHAT KIND OF SAUCE is TWILIGHT?


WEAK SAUCE! No further explanation needed.

Next week another TOP TEN LIST will be posted! But until then and as always, thanks for reading. Peace.

TOP TEN Madness!

Hello Keatonites! Welcome back! It's Wednesday! Time for the TOP TEN list! Today's topic was suggested by our good friend and frequent reader Andrea! Thanks Andrea! And now, without further ado, today's TOP TEN!

TOP TEN SUGGESTIONS FROM KEATON TO DO OVER SPRING BREAK FOR GOOD, CLEAN FUN!

10. Eat till you can't breathe.
9. Buy a BB gun.
8. Find a hobo.
7. Offer the Hobo a dollar.
6. Shoot him when he comes to get it.
5. Make your own episode of "Full House"
4. Torture and kill Bob Sagat.
3. For a romantic date, take someone to Carl's Jr and see who can make the most noise when eating.
2. DISNEYLAND!
And the #1 thing to do for good clean fun during spring break:

1. Read and comment on KEATON THOUGHTS!

As always, thanks for reading. Peace.