Gossip Girl: The Games We Play (IV)

-

Previously:
The Games We Play (II)
The Way We Were


On the Upper East Side, the possibilities are endless. Dom or Krug. Winston or Cartier. Tory or Stella. John or Grindr Boy.

Eventually even the people with everything have to choose. But sometimes, you learn that the choice has already been made for you.

 
 
Dating, it seems, has never been this fun. There's always a new boy to add to the list; some new guy you met at a party or through a friend. Sometimes you feel you just might have it all.

Grindr Boy and I made plans to meet that night. I was excited to see him again and I planned my day so we can have the evening together. I checked the calendar and made sure I scheduled my appointments with other guys on other days so there would be no conflict.

A few minutes before we were supposed to meet, I texted him to ask where he was. He didn't reply. After a few more minutes, I called him but he didn't pick up. I was getting worried and puzzled. I called him several times more but it looked like I was getting stood up.

Oh well, I told myself. Just when you thought things were going well. Grindr Boy was nice enough but he had been acting strange. He would at times not respond to my calls and messages but I always attributed it to his busy schedule.



A few days later, Grindr Boy suddenly texted.

"I'm now officially taken :(," he said.

I was stunned. Officially taken? What does that mean? Was he unofficially taken before and it now became official?

Every now and then, I would ask Grindr Boy about the other guys he's dating and he always said he wasn't seeing anyone. And I believed him. My thoughts were still in a disarray so I composed myself before I sent my response.

"Wow, this is a surprise. I guess this is it," I said. "Masaya ako para sa iyo. (I am happy for you.) I mean, I know how wonderful it is to find love."

"Kane, I'm sorry if I lied," Grindr Boy said. "He's my boyfriend for three years now. I met you during the time we were having problems."

Woooohhh. The hell. I couldn't believe it. I had been duped all along. This sweet boy with the sweetest smile turned out to be a lying, scheming bastard.



Uh oh. Spotted: K learning that two can play this game. It looks like our star player …  just got played. Outwitted by a boy almost a decade younger than he is, tsk tsk. Talk about a coup de grace, ladies.

 
 
"I just got scared you might get mad and won't talk to me again. Masaya kasi ako (I'm happy) when we're together," Grindr Boy continued. "I hope we can still be friends."
 
I heaved a deep sigh. Of course I understand him. I suppose I should have known better.

"I accept your apology. I understand how complicated relationships can be," I said. "I guess it explains a lot of things. Three years is something, you know. You should be proud."

 
 
The next day …
 
"Were you really surprised?" Gino asked me, disbelievingly. "Couldn't you see the signs that he was hiding something?"

I shook my head. "You know what, maybe I trust people too easily. I guess I always expect people to be honest. Are we not ba?"

"Eh siyempre Kane. I mean, ikaw ba, do you always tell your boys everything?"

"Well, not everything I suppose. But I do tell them that I'm seeing other guys. That way, expectations are clear. And I've always done that. I don't want people feeling like I led them on."

Gino and I were both quiet for awhile. He knew I did like Grindr Boy.

"Well, there's still John," Gino pointed out.

"Oh, I stopped seeing him already. I guess it just wasn't working."

"Meron ka pa naman ibang boys. (Well, you still have other boys)," he said.

"Yeah, but they're really just for fun," I replied. "I actually thought Grindr Boy and I could have something more, you know."

"So much for the one huh," Gino said.

"Or the other one. Sigh. Sometimes, people can really be so disappointing. They say they're one thing but end up to be something else."
 

 
They say you reap what you sow. Instead of too many choices, you suddenly have none. Lonely Boy finally learns the truth, only to realize it's a little too late. That perhaps, the time for love has once again come and gone.



It was a Sunday night and I was trying to rest after a tiring weekend. My phone suddenly beeped. "Kamusta? (How are you?)" Albert asked.

I called him up. "Hey! What are you doing? Listen ... remember the date you promised."
 

But that's the thing with players.

"I was wondering when you're free to meet," I said.

They can never resist the game.

"Let me know if you can get away from your boyfriend."

And on the Upper East Side, only one thing is certain: let a new game begin.

XOXO
-

Gossip Girl: Mi Querida Señorita

-

It's a cold New Year, Upper East Siders. Time to donate your last year's wardrobe to the help and to present the world with a better version of you.

Which could mean facing your future... and forgetting past mistakes. Or finally settling on a brand new path. But a new year doesn't wipe away old problems. While others just create new ones.

Spotted: Kane warming himself up by rekindling old friendships.

 
 
I invited some of my closest friends to a small get-together at home last Saturday.
 
 
 
Madame et Messieurs,

See you all at around 11:30 p.m. I have brought out the glasses and prepared carefully selected handpicked bottles of wine for our pleasure. I expect you to be in your usual coutured selves. I will take a nap to refresh myself.

Bisous bisous,
Kane

 
 
Fran was among the first to arrive. It was the first time we saw each other in months and I missed her. After the usual how are you's and small chitchat, she delivered the first bomb of the night.

"So, are you seeing anyone?" I asked her.

"Yes," she replied. "And he's married."

"Oh."

"With kids?" I continued.

"Yes hun. The whole package."

"Ohh."

"Do you love him?" I asked.

"I do hun," she said. And by the way she said it, I knew she did.

"Ohhh."

"Do you feel guilty?" I was curious and I wanted to know.
 
"Oh yes. All the time honey," Fran said. "I feel guilty all the time. In the morning when I wake up, at night before I sleep, I feel guilty. But that doesn't stop me from having sex with him. Again. And again. And again."



By the time a woman makes a resolute decision to be a querida, she goes through a psychological war with herself. She will only accept the role for four reasons.

1) She loves the man.

2) She loves the man and hopes that he will eventually divorce his wife and marry her.

3) The man gives her financial security.

4) Being his mistress elevates her social status.


 
"Oh Fran. Hay. Being a mistress can be lonely. You know he is never yours completely, and no matter who you tell the story to, you are always the villain."
 
"I know. You know what my sister told me when she found out?"

"What?"

"She said she hopes I'll never get married."

"Ouch. That must hurt," I said.

"You know honey, I have been through all possible forms and permutations of adultery. I have cheated on, cheated with, and been cheated on and God… all of those sucked!!! It was so stressful."

"I don't know. It's just that at this point in my life, I will not allow myself to be in certain situations anymore. At least those that are within my control," I explained. "There is a vision of myself that I want to become. I want to be the best possible version of Kane there is. And being a mistress, for example, just isn't one of them."

"God honey, if only I can be that way," Fran replied. "Unlike you, I know it's wrong but the path isn't clear. It's always a push - pull tension within me and sometimes I envy people like you, people who automatically choose the right thing."

"It didn't come overnight. I guess I took every single life experience that I had and milked them for whatever lessons they can teach me."

"Oh Fran, remember what we used to say? We may be the biggest sluts in town, but we have boundaries. We aren't home wreckers. Or at least we used to be not."

 
 
In the New Year, we resolve to do things we've only dreamed of doing. And not to do other things ever again.
 
We make our own fortunes. And then call them fate. And what better excuse to choose a path than to insist it's our destiny. Some will pursue their decisions. No matter who gets hurt. But at the end of the day, we all have to live with our choices.


 XOXO
-

Pigs, That's What We Are

-
Fiction

"You wrote letters that you never sent
I made promises I’ll always deny
Now we’ll never know what the other meant."
---Norah Jones, "Young Blood"
-
-

 

It was a cold, rainy night. Manila was drenched and the streets had quieted down as midnight approached.
 
I was listening to old Pinoy bands that were popular in the 90s; Introvoys and Neocolors. The music brought back memories, as they usually do on nights like these. The smell of a dormitory, the silence of a Sunday, old faces.

Suddenly, a window opened in my Yahoo messenger. I didn't recognize the sender.

"Hey."

"Hey, who is this?" I replied.

His name was Jay. We had chatted before apparently  though I don't remember when. Jay lived near the area. We traded photos and then he asked me if I wanted to hook-up.

"But bro, I want to set things clear from the start," Jay told me.

"What?"

"I have a boyfriend. This is just a one-time fun. I don't want any trouble."

"Ahhhhhh. So you have a boyfriend."



Ever since my ex cheated on me, I made a promise to myself that I will not sleep with anyone who is in a monogamous relationship.

"Why is that?" Rudeboy asked me.

"I guess I know how it feels like to be the other guy. And how painful it is."

"Ahhhh. We all have been there, I think."

We were quiet for awhile. If I allow myself to, I can still remember the shock of that knowledge, to discover that your lover cheated on you.



"So, what did you decide?" Rudeboy asked.

"Well… it was a cold, rainy night," I said.

Timing, really, is everything. If he had messaged me on another night, if he didn't live so close, if the night wasn't so cold it made me yearn for a human touch.

"Hayy Rudie, I guess boys will be boys."

"Well, as I always say, all men are pigs."

"Hahaha. And gay men?"

"They're worse. They're swine."

"And married gay men?"

"The worst. Hogs, every one of them."



Jay was quiet, tense. His excitement was palpable, like a little boy who knows this is forbidden.

Does he feel guilty, I wonder? Does he think of his lover when we kiss? Perhaps it was because it was illicit that made the sex so good. His hands and mouth were hungry, forceful. We all crave the forbidden fruit.

"How long have you been together?" I asked him afterwards. We were both spent.

"34 months. You won't understand Kane," he said, trying to explain himself. "It doesn't mean that I don't love him, that I am not happy with him. I am... but we're men."



All men are pigs.



Can there be love without truthfulness? Sometimes I wonder if what we had, no matter how fleeting and meaningless, was more real than his love for his boyfriend. Where does love end and betrayal begin?

"Do you think he does this too?" I asked Jay.

"I don't know. I don't really think about it. And I don't do this often, just… once in a while."



He stood up, and prepared to go.

"So, I guess, see you whenever," I said and smiled.

"Yeah. I'll text you."

But we both know that wasn't true.



DISCLAIMER: Although some things were borne out of the writer's imagination, certain events did transpire and any resemblance to actual events, people, places can exist.