Top Five Ugliest Americans, Week of August 26

Miley Cyrus

Demented Disney diva has issues that should be worked out in a therapist’s office, not in front of millions at the VMAs. I’ll apologize for her, Smith family.

Ted Cruze

Tiny-brained Texas senator thinks Obama might sign a bill to defund the signature legislation of his two terms in office, the Affordable Care Act. Uh huh.

Eliot Engle

Daffy Dem representative from New York thinks we should start bombing Syria right now. Sure, El. All of our other incursions in the Middle East have worked out so well, let’s do it again.

George Zimmerman

Myopic man who (figuratively) dodged a bullet and was acquitted of murdering Trayvon Martin visits Kel-Tec Firearms factory, the company that manufactured the gun used to shoot Trayvon Martin.

Donald Trump

Bloviating billionaire birther runs a sham university to bilk people trying to create better lives for themselves. Well done, Sir. Well done.

Congressional Democrats Have Their Own List

Washington, D.C. — In response to Rep. Spencer Bachus (R-Ala.), who claims to have a list of 17 socialists in congress, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) announced that she has compiled a list of 178 clinically insane members of congress. Although this figure corresponds to the exact number of Republicans in the House, Pelosi insisted this was a coincidence.

“Insanity does not recognize party lines, however, if you are a Republican, the chances that you are insane rise dramatically,” said the Speaker.

When asked to name the 178 insane congresspeople, Pelosi handed out a map of the House floor with the Republican side of the aisle highlighted in red.

“They congregated together,” said Pelosi.

Outraged Republicans issued a press release denouncing Pelosi and readjusting the number of socialists in congress upward to 257.

Another McSweeney's reject

Rejected ideas for children’s toys:

Stumbling Blocks

Sorry My Ass

The Glue Factory

Victoria’s Little Secret

Easy Bake Gas Oven