Monday, January 21, 2013

My Miscarriage- May 2008

I wrote this in May of 2008 after my miscarriage. Apparently I never wrote anything about it on my blog, but on my myspace account that I haven't used in three years. With some messing around I was able to access it. For my posterity and as part of mine and Josh's history, this is my story.

A Sad Gaertner Story

Current mood:blank
 
We walked into the hospital, anxious to see how far along we were. We left the hospital full of questions and heavy hearts.
"You need to speak with your doctor," the ultrasound technician told us coldly as she quickly left me and my husband alone in the dark of the room.
Walking over to the clinic, my heart about to burst with the panic that was arising in my body. Tears crawling down my face, I already knew.
"It'll be okay," Josh tried to comfort me. "We don't really know anything yet."
Debby the nurse told me that the techy couldn't legally tell me anything, and to wait till the doctor speaks to me. I did, and so did the doctor.
"There is no fetal pulse."
The hardest words my young ears have heard in my lifetime so far. Nine weeks along, and the baby I've been nurturing is gone. My Irish twins are to never be. The double stroller I've been looking at won't be purchased. The ultrasound and the baby shower with my sister-in-law will never happen. My life will forever be different.
I was angry. Oh how angry I've been. Exspecially when I had to take medicine to exspell the left over contents. In other words, cause a miscarriage. The worst pain, emotionally and physically. Oh how I would have rather given birth and have my baby in the end.
I'm okay now. Life does go on. I still hurt, and I still yearn for what isn't to be, at least for right now. I pray for all you mothers-to-be because it is an AMAZING experience. Enjoy it. Revel in it, and most of all... never take it for granted. The moment you do, you're life could be changed forever.
~Love Nichole

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Our First Christmas Card!


My children found my book of stamps and proudly declared, "STICKERS!"

Enough said.

I hope you all had an amazing Holiday season!

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Week One Down...

I decided it would be beneificial for me to keep a good record on how the antidepressants are reacting in my system.

Week One: I feel very abscent minded. I am having a hard time concentrating and have lost my purse several times today. It never moved. Not once. I am struggling with words which has never been a problem with me.

I'm not as quick to yell so far. Maybe that's just the placebo affect though. Hmmm...

My appetite has been surpressed. I'll take that. haha!

I am exhausted and foggy brained. Hopefully that clears up.

Tonight I up my dosage. I'm a little nervous but if I notice the mental fog is too strong and I struggle more with my concentration more so I will call my family practitioner. I have a follow up in another week or two anyway.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Follow Up

So I wanted to update real quickly for my own self and posterity that I never did start the zoloft like I had promised myself I would. I did REALLY well for several months but then started slipping again. Today I went and visited with my family practitioner and am full of anxiety. Once again I was prescribed a low-dose anti-depressant/ anti-anxiety.

The difference this time is that I actually took my first one this evening.

Hopefully this will help my relationship with Shaylee.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Today Was Hard...

Today was a hard day. One of the hardest I have had in a long while. Shaylee broke my heart for the first time today. Three years old and she already has the power to break me. I love this little girl with all of me. So much. So much. She is the epitome of spirited. The epitome of stubborn.

Shaylee has the most amazing laugh if you can get her to laugh. It is very husky and full sounding. Her eyes light up and her face splits in half. She throws her back and laughs with vigor. I adore her laugh, and enjoy making her do it.

The thing though, is that at three ... she already is set in her personality. She is a very cautious child. Very shy and doesn't let people in easily. Her best friend is Aiden- he is her champion and she mimic's everything that he does and says. This brightens my soul. Aiden is also her worst enemy at times. She has a switch that can flip at the blink of an eye. She will laugh one second and then flip on to full on attack mode.

This is what makes my days so difficult.

I know some of this is personality, but most of it is her age. She is only three ... but thinks she is Aiden's age. They are a year and a half apart yet are the exact same weight and height. She is a four and a half year old. But not really. This is where the frustration is stemming from. Her communication was a little behind to begin with, but now that she is speaking very well she is coming across other road blocks in her development. Not because she is late... but because she wants and YEARNS to be where her brother is. And Aiden doesn't understand that she isn't either.

Aiden is a very bright four year old. But not only is he older and thinks that they are the same... he is a boy. His development into becoming a little boy from a toddler is so obvious right now. Today he asked me if he was going to school today. I didn't even know he knew school existed, much less what day it started. I had to break the news that he doesn't get to go until next year. Maybe choosing not to enroll them into preschool was a mistake.

Today I sat with them and did an hour of "preschool" all by ourselves. I have a lot to work on patience wise. I see a lot of me in Aiden. I was/ am? dyslexic but was taught how to overcome it by third grade. I think my son may be dyslexic. I NEED to remember this as I work with him daily on our studies. Not get mad at him... but be more understanding. Why am I struggling with this? WHY?

I love him so much too. He is a pleaser. He TRIES to make me laugh and happy. And I do laugh, but I need to laugh more. He really does enjoy sitting with me and learning how to write. I didn't even know he could hold a pen properly... and write?! He can write if I give him something to copy. Wow. I really missed out on the preschool coop because of the move and having Lyndi. I commend the other mom's that did such a great job with him. My little boy wrote a four today! And a six! And  a five!!! It makes my heart smile. His four was backwards and I found out his five was supposed to be a two... but that's what makes watching his learn so fun. Also what makes me know I need to really zone in on his one on one education with me.

I am his mother. I have the power to help him succeed.

Shaylee really enjoyed coloring with us. I worked with her too... but her mommy-made worksheets were a little different from Aiden's. I want her to be exposed, but I am not going to push. She knows her ABC's when pointed out, but she won't perform under pressure. So I think I will keep it a game with her... fun time to learn with brother and mommy.

Lyndi is funny. She just sat in her high chair and played with some baby snacks the entire hour. She really is my easy one right now. Josh actually said for the first time yesterday that he believes we are done having children.

Part of me is relieved by this revelation. But part of me is really sad too. Like we might be missing out on another amazing little person up there. I just know and have been inspired that right now is just NOT that time. Josh is afraid that Lyndi is going to be just as spirited as Aiden and Shaylee. If that is the case, then she will probably be our last. I love all three so much... but mentally I can only take so much. Being a mommy is hard work. I think having a career would be much easier to be honest. There's so much repsonsibility here in the home... and if my children grow up messed up- that's on me. Not some day care. Nope, me.

I hope my children know I do love them. That Shaylee knows I am being firm with her for her own good. Not that I am trying to take away a part of her by bending her will or whatever. She needs to learn to obey rules and have respect. Those ARE the fundamentals of life. She won't succeed with out those fundamentals. I will continue to work with her... and continue to LOVE and ADORE her... but I think I need to up the words of affirmation with her. More hugging. More mommy/ sissy time. I think that should help.

And then maybe she will want to be my little friend again. Because I sure miss her loving on me and thinking I am her World. Three is too young to not want her mama anymore.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Living Little Miracles in a Big Way

This last week has been filled with miracles and a new understanding of my Heavenly Father's love for me and my wee ones. It is amazing how fragile life is and how easily we can pass from this life and onto the next with every thing we do. It is a scary World out there.

Last Sunday I went to a friend's house to chit chat and rummage through some things she was getting ready to ship off to Goodwill. It had been awhile since we saw one another so I knew it would be a couple of hours. Before leaving I decided to change out of my Sunday clothing and get comfortable in my casual wear. I hadn't even realized that I had gone the day with out wearing my garment top. (This is a special article of clothing that symbolizes promises/ covenants made by me to Heavenly Father inside the LDS temple.) At the moment I didn't think anything of it except that I was glad I changed before leaving to drive to another town.

I really enjoyed talking with my friend Beth and eating her blueberry bran muffins. As it grew later we bid our farewells and I left for home. As I got onto the highway I pulled up behind a small red truck at a red light. This small truck was holding a fairly large patio set, with chairs stacked inside of it. Everything looked nice and smug, but I still couldn't shake the feeling that this did not look good.

                                                               
Moving out of the 35 mph speed zone and accelerating onto the highway speeds (and above) I headed for home going 60 mph. I shook off my paranoid thoughts as anxiety over driving on this particular highway. I hate driving and with the more children I have the more I hate it. That is that, so I turned on my radio and tuned into my favorite pop station. Singing and dreaming about what I was going to do with my new-to-me bins time all of a sudden slowed.


It took me a milisecond to fully understand and take in what was happening in front of me. Heavy metal chairs were being lifted up from the bed of the truck and flying all over the highway. Between the speed the truck was going and the impacts the chairs made with the pavement it was hard to discern where to drive without having one go through my windshield. One of the chairs even bounced into oncoming traffic.

In less then a second the highway was in chaos.

I am amazed with how calmly I was able stear through the mess. With how lucky I was and am that there wasn't a collision. So many things could have happened in that moment that didn't because of a still small voice that guided me through.

After I passed through the maze my body began to shake uncontrollably. I couldn't stop thinking about that one particular chair that was bound right for my car. How it hit and bounced back up going towards me. How it rolled and flipped. How a second chair veered right towards an oncoming car. How the little red truck slammed on his brakes from 60 mph with a line of cars behind him. How the horrible sound of the car behind me made as we all consequently slammed on our brakes. And how slow it seemed to happen while the entire time I knew how to navigate this ever changing obstacle course.



I began to cry.

I sobbed and wiped my eyes a hundred times before pulling into my drive way that night. I walked into the house and saw my husband standing in the kitchen, holding my 6 month old baby.

"I was wondering when you were going to get home," he said. "I was getting ready to call you."

Walking towards him and feeling his arms struggle to hug me with our squirming little Lyndi I told him what happened.

Having this happen to me a week ago, I feel that I have been extra sensitive to the Spirit. But in this short week having a patio set fly towards my big blonde head was not the only scary thing to happen. Yesterday I had a completely different experience that didn't directly impact me, but my son.

A group of us mom friends have been enjoying the heat together cooling off in the rivers and small lakes in our area.


It has been such a treat to beat the heat playing in all that nature has to offer us. But there is a double edge sword with nature.

It can be dangerous.

Yesterday while sitting on the beach I kept making sure I knew where Aiden and Shaylee were at all times. Aiden was playing up on the beach with an older girl, maybe 8? He seemed to be having a good time and every time I turned around, his funny little personality would make me smile.


Sitting on the shore keeping watch of Shaylee in the water I instantly felt a feeling of terror that I couldn't understand. I turned around to see if Aiden was okay up on the beach and realized I couldn't see him. My heart grew tight. The spirit was strong but I didn't understand why. As my throat closed around the panic as I scanned the lake shore for my blonde headed little boy.

I could not find my son.

Getting up to start marching the shore I heard my friend Felicia call out to me. Quickly turning towards her voice I saw her half carry, half drag my son towards shore. He had a look of stunned horror on his face. As she handed him over to me he started to cry. Heart wrenching sobs.

"Mommy... the water was too deep. It was scary mommy. Oh mama....."

I held him tight in my arms as Felicia explained to me that she saw a little boy playing with an older girl. He was plugging his nose, coming up and going under as if he was having a good time. As she focused in harder she realized that it was Aiden... and that he in fact was not playing. He was struggling. The girl had led him into deeper water not realizing he was quite a bit shorter than her. Felicia continued to tell me that the girl just stared at him... and when she called out to the girl, she finally pushed Aiden. Aiden was still in control at that point, but began to panic as Felicia got to him.

I held my son.

I hugged him.

I kissed his cheeks.


I don't know if what I felt was the Spirit calling out to me, or if it was my connection as a mother to my son... but I do know that I am so very grateful for my friend. I don't know if I would have spotted him in time and would rather not think about "what if's."

I do know that these two small events have taught me a valuable lesson and I will try not to take my life and that of my loved ones for granted.

Our entire World can change in the blink of an eye.

Don't forget to tell your husband you love him, every day.

Don't forget to hug, kiss, and tickle your children every day... several times a day!

Don't forget to listen to your heart and give a far away loved one or friend a phone call.

Because the truth is... We don't know if we will get the opportunity to do it again.

Love a mother- who is ever so grateful for miracles.



Thursday, July 26, 2012

April 2012

April 2012 was our very first Easter alone as a family for the first time. I was home sick and did miss being around family, but we did have a lot of fun. :) Aiden and Shaylee enjoyed an easter egg hunt at the church and then daddy made them one in our backyard on that Sunday as well. Lulu was so cute in Shaylee's baby christmas dress. It amazes me how much larger Lyndi is then my others were and she definitely is keeping up with that facade as well! :)







And then of course we had to make our own Easter dinner! It was actually very good. The only sad part was on our way home from the store Josh put our pie on the seat that was folded down. So when we stopped the first time... it flew off and pretty much made a mucky mess. It still tasted fantastic though! :)



I thought I should also document that the kids and I worked on some silly projects. They had a blast decorating their little boxes that I made for them.




Sometime in the middle of the month we made it home to Ephrata to introduce Lyndi to Josh's family. At 9 weeks we thought it was time we drive over there since so many couldn't make it our way to meet her.

Shaylee fell asleep in Great Grandma Lila's chair during our big dinner. :)


The first night there Josh and I went on a date with Lulu... She's such a chunky monkey, isn't she? HAHA!



And here are some Lyndi facts: She was talking/ chirping with me really well at 8-9 weeks. She started blowing razberries when she wanted attention around now too. She smiled at two months and rolled from belly to back at three weeks. She rolled from back to belly at 9 weeks. :)

ps. Our computer crashed because of a dirty thrasher worm virus and I lost everything picture wise so some of these are blurry because they were saved from my facebook networking site. I was heartbroken and cried. But at least I have the blurry versions!