Mojo the Monkeyboy flew through the air then tumbled rear-end over teakettle, finally crashing with a thud into the leviathan's control console

There was a long moment of silence.

Then another.

“Hng[---------]!” An odd noise reverberated throughout Sargon. “Mu [-----------]!”

“What was that?” I asked.

“I am not sure…” Professor Xavier answered.

“Hua [------------] [----]!”

“She’s not mad about Mojo here, is she? She’s not going to do something that we’re all going to regret?”

“I don’t think she’s upset about your monkeyboy’s antics,” Professor X replied. “In fact, I think that she was... amused by it.”

“Wait, what do you mean my monkeyboy?”

“Ha [-----] ha ha [[-------]]! That was truly the funniest thing I’ve ever seen!” roared the ship gleefully. “And I’ve seen Vogon passion plays.”

“She liked me?” Mojo sat up and his eyelashes fluttered. “She really liked me?”

“Yeah, we’re all astounded by this development,” I muttered. “We’re amazed. Astounded…”

“If you liked that, then get a load of this!” Mojo ecstatically jumped several feet into the air, spun around half a dozen times accompanied by a cartoonish whirring noise. He then fell flat on his back with a splat.

“Ha! Ha! Ha!” laughter echoed through the chamber. “That was too much!”

“She liked that?” I was truly amazed.

“Hold on Jon,” Xavier held up his hand. “I have an idea.”

Mojo stood up and produced three brightly-colored balls from somewhere. He then started to juggle them while hopping up and down on one foot. “How about this, Sargy gal?”

“Oh my, that is very impressive!” cooed the ship. She then laughed some more as the monkeyboy caught all three balls and swallowed them with a gulp.

“Mmmmmmm, ballicious!”

The leviathan laughed even more.

“You have a plan,” I said to my telepathic friend. “What is it?”

“OK OK OK OK OK! Check this out!” Mojo blew into his thumb and his hand inflated like a balloon. He then swung it around and around until he clocked himself with it in right in the jaw.

“Heh heh… eh, that was OK, I guess,” Sargon answered.

“Wait wait wait! I’m not done yet!” Mojo began jumping up and down on his own hand. Doing acrobatic flips and spins in the air.

“Oh ha ha! That is splendid!” the living ship cheerfully said.

“Your plan, Chuck?”

“Sargon, you say that you are lonely, that you need companionship or else you will die,” Professor Xavier announced to the ship.

“Heh heh, yes this is true,” the ship replied. “Though we are a space-faring species, we need companionship. Heh heh.”

“I have a proposal then,” he continued. “You need a companion, we need to get back to our home planet, and Jon’s monkeyboy here needs to be a sidekick for somebody.”

“Why are you saying that Mojo is my monkeyboy?”

“Quiet,” he admonished. “Sargon, I propose that you take on Mojo as your companion. You can then allow us to leave. We promise that we would visit you again, of course.”

Mojo was cart wheeling around the deck of the ship. He cart wheeled out of sight and we heard a crashing noise, as if he collided with mops and buckets. Why would there be mops and buckets on Sargon?

“Ha ha ha ha ha! Of course, I would love to have Mojo travel with me!” the leviathan resonated happiness.

I ran up to the monkeyboy. “How would you like this, huh Mojo? Would you want to be Sargon’s sidekick?”

“Would I? Would I? HARE LIP!” Mojo cackled. He then jumped up, sprinted over to the control station and gave it a big monkeyboy hug. “You my bestest fwend foh evah and evah and evah!”

“Ha ha! You are my bestest friend as well, Mojo,” she answered.

“Nice,” I muttered.

“Well, with this pleasant business taken care of, I must insist that we take our leave,” the Professor said. “Again, I promise that we will see you once more.”

“Of that, I am sure,” she answered. You may leave and… thank you. Say Mojo, would you like to go to the Esteres Belt and shoot some asteroids?”

“Shoot asteroids, oh boy! That sounds swellerifictasticexceptionalfunfunfunified!”

“Ha ha ha, oh Mojo, you are too much!”

There was a brilliant flash of light and we found ourselves inside the Danger Sled floating in space. We looked out the window and saw as energy surrounded the great living ship. A warp in space opened up and she stretched through it. With a crash of power that shook my ship, the space fold closed.

“I guess that’s it, huh?” I said to the Professor. “Let’s get back to Earth.”

“That’s right, I can sense the urgency back there. The situation with Gaia is even graver than I thought.” he answered. “Oh and Jon…”

“Yes?”

Professor Xavier pointed out towards the emptiness of space. “Engage!”

"I cannot allow you to leave"

I looked at Professor Xavier. “You didn’t by any chance say that did you?”

“That was Sargon, through and through,” the leader of the X-Men replied.

“So she can talk now?”

“I would imagine that it is easier to her to speak at our level than for us to speak at hers,” Professor X said. “I have yet to decode how she would communicate with others of her kind. It is likely not possible for us given the biological differences between our two species.”

“OK. So she can talk to us now. We can talk to her then, right?”

“It would seem that we can,” the telepath answered. “Sargon? Can you understand me?”

There was a pause.

“Yes, I can,” came the reply.

“Me too?” I looked around. It is very unusual to hear someone talking and not have a point of reference like a face or a speaker. Being on a living ship like this is a lot to wrap my little Earthman mind around, having a conversation with a living and sentient ship is even more so.

“Of course I can,” the living ship’s voice reverberated through its control center. “I am happy to have you on board.”

I leaned closer to the Professor. “If she can hear us, my guess is that we won’t be able to have a private conversation.”

“I would surmise that as well,” he agreed. “Our mission was to make first contact with Sargon, at which we were more successful than I could imagine. I am sure she understands that our mission here is of science and discovery.”

“I do,” the entity’s voice rumbled. “As I said, I am honored to have you as my guests.”

I looked up at the ceiling. “Then why are we not allowed to leave?”

There was a moment of silence, as if the leviathan paused in attempt to articulate her thoughts.

“I… am very far from my home,” she said. “I have lost everything that I have known, my pilot; my crew. I cannot survive without them.”

“The desire for survival is strong in every living creature,” the Professor commented to me. “I can tell that she is telling the truth and there is a certain amount of anxiety in her as well.”

I nodded to my companion. “It doesn’t take a telepath to sense that. I can almost taste it in the air itself.”

“You cannot leave,” Sargon insisted. “Or I will surely die. Please.”

“But we cannot stay; our friends and family are under attack even as we speak. We need to go to them! Do you realize that by holding us here you are preventing us from living our own lives? No matter how nice you paint your walls, it would still be a prison. Humans… by nature… need to be free! I cannot allow you to hold the Professor and me like this.”

“I think you overdid it just a little,” Xavier said dryly.

“Sorry, I just had a Captain Kirk moment there.”

“Sargon, perhaps we could find an alternative,” he called out from his chair. “If you will take us back to the Queen’s Throneworld, there would be scientists there willing to live on board to study you.”

The leviathan replied with a horrifying shriek. Xavier and I clutched our ears as it felt like our brains were going to blow out of our heads at any moment. After several excruciating minutes, the reverberations finally quieted.

“Did you just put the image of an alien sliced open and on an operating table into her mind?” Professor X had a scolding look on his face.

“Aw jeez I couldn’t help it. I just saw Alien Autopsy Bloopers on TV the other night.”

“I will not be dissected like that!” shouted the ship. “I will not [---] let them [----] take my life!”

“You will not be sliced open like that!” the telepath tried to assuage her fears. “The Queen is a benevolent ruler and her scientists would never harm you in their studies.”

“I [-------------] will not allow myself [--------------] like that! [------------------]!” The creature was more frantic and understanding her became even more difficult. We were losing our ability to communicate with her while she was in this state. “[--------]!”

“Suggestions?” Professor Xavier looked at me.

“I don’t know. She can’t keep us here forever.”

“I don’t see how she couldn’t. Or in the very least, keep us here until we die.”

“Which will be a long time for me, I plan on living forever.”

“Really.” Professor Xavier looked at me incredulously.

“I’m going to learn how to fly -- high! Remember… remember… remember…”

“Although I appreciate your attempts at levity,” the Professor said. “You are not helping our situation by any means.”

“We’ll think of something, just give it some time.”

“Hey boss!” came a shout from the entrance to the command center. “I’ve gots a question for you-de-lou-hee-hoo!”

Mojo the Monkeyboy sprinted across the catwalk towards us. Halfway across the expanse, he stumbled, tripped, flew into the air, bounced off his head and skidded to the command console on his bottom. The Professor tried to bury his face in his hand and I shook my head.

“Oh brother,” we said in unison.

In the belly of the beast

After popping open the access hatch to the Danger Sled, Professor Xavier and I maneuvered ourselves to the “deck” of the leviathan. I am not sure if deck truly is the correct word to use in this situation. Even though it was a solid floor panel, we were still in the belly of a living creature.

“This is the oddest, most amazing thing I’ve ever seen,” I looked around in awe. “I still can’t get over how we went through that sphincter like that.”

“You just said that so you could say the word ‘sphincter,’ didn’t you?” Professor Xavier asked plainly.

“Heh heh, yeah I did.”

“Hey fellas! Fellas? Hey you guuuyyyyysss!” Mojo the Monkeyboy called from the hatch to my ship. “Wait for me!”

“Hold it,” I stopped him. “I have a special mission for you right here at my ship.”

“Really truly honestly?” His eyes fluttered. “A special mission for moi?”

“Right,” I answered. “I need you to guard the door to my ship. Don’t let anyone in or out unless it’s the Professor or me. Go it?”

“Right O, cheerio!” the monkeyboy’s hand slapped his forehead in a deranged salute. “Nobody gets in, not even the Professor or me.”

“No it’s not you, it’s me,” I answered. “And you can let us in, but nobody else. Got it?”

“Get it got it good!” The monkeyboy feigned standing at attention. “Everybody gets in except the Professor and me!”

“No!” I yelled. Then I composed myself somewhat. “The only people allowed to enter my ship are Professor Xavier here, me, and you. But you’re already on the ship, so don’t worry about you getting on.”

“Ahhhhhh, I get it now,” the simple task finally dawned on him. “I guard the screen door here, nobody gets in except the Professor, you, or me, but I’m already here so I don’t have to worry about whether or not I can come on.”

“Right,” I said.

“OK, OK, I got it bossman!” said Mojo. “Don’t worry about me, my bestest friend foh ever and ever and ever.”

“Great,” I answered. I refrained from heavily sighing and instead moved with Professor Xavier towards the “front” of the ship.

“Do you think that will actually work with Mo—er, that monkeyboy?” the Professor asked.

“Who knows, it actually might,” I shrugged. “There’s always a first time for everything.”

We made our way through the labyrinth of the leviathan. Professor Xavier was still unable to fully communicate with the creature, but he was able to read her emotions and establish a basic rapport with her. Eventually, we got to what would likely have been the bridge or command center. In the center of the room was an elaborate station. Radiating out from there was a number of catwalks just wide enough for Xavier and I to cross in single file.

“This is her nerve center,” the telepath and scholar placed his hand on the console. “This is where the pilot would sit, were he or she still here.”

I ducked under the console and saw and elaborate pile of tubes, wires, and severed tendrils. It seemed the pilot was “planted” here and would live with the ship symbiotically. I then hoisted myself up to where I could see the pilots input device. It was far beyond a QWERTY keyboard and way too advanced for my two human hands.

“I don’t think that there’s a chance in Hel that I could fly this thing,” I mumbled out loud to my companion. “Where’s the pilot?”

“I am not entirely certain,” the professor said, still attempting to communicate with the living ship through a tactile link. “I can detect a lot of sadness and loneliness, but also a certain amount of confusion. She doesn’t know where her pilot went and she’s been wandering around the galaxy alone for a long, long time.”

“All dressed up and no place to go,” I said absently. “How do you explain her shooting the asteroids and stuff?”

“Well, she is bored, Jon. If you had a BB gun, a can, and no one around for hundreds of miles, what would you do?”

“Heh, I see you point,” I chuckled. “So what do we do now? I mean, are you going to be able to fully communicate with her?”

“If I can, it would take a very long time,” he replied. “Possibly a lifetime. The complexities of Sargon’s mind are so incredible. Each piece I decode leads to several more.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” I interrupted. “You just called her Sargon, is that her name? How do you know that?”

“I… just do.” He answered. “It seems rather obvious.”

Our conversation was interrupted by a pinging on my wristcomm. I queued up the message and looked at it. “Queen Galacta is under attack on Throneworld. She managed to throw off the attacking army, but Her own forces suffered heavy losses. The message says the assault originated from Earth.”

“We are in the middle of a conflict with Gaia, one of my former students. It must be her doing,” the Professor surmised.

“You mean Gaia from Last Gladiator Standing?” I asked. “She’s a bad guy now? I remember that she left the show early for mysterious reasons. Could it be related?”

“It may very well be, and it is much more complicated than simply calling her ‘the bad guy.’ Nonetheless, we must get back to the Queen in case Gaia strikes again.”

“You shall not leave!” a voice rang out.

Professor Xavier looked up and around. “Sargon?”

Our hyperspace approach

Flying through hyperspace, we approached the sector containing the leviathan. And save for the occasional uproar of maniacal laughter or sudden crashing of metal crates, our journey was basically without further incident.

From my seat in the cockpit, I stole another glance over at Professor Xavier. He was still staring out through the glass at space warping around us. He certainly seemed occupied, but of what I couldn’t tell. Interesting how the one man in this galaxy who could possibly read anyone’s mind keeps his own thoughts and feelings so closely guarded.

“Hungry?” I asked.

“No thank you,” he answered pleasantly.

I shrugged and took a bite out of a protein bar. I crinkled up my nose and put the rest of it into my pocket when I realized what that thing tasted like.

“We’ll be pulling out of hyperspace in just a few minutes,” I said. “The plan is to enter real space on the other side of the system from where the leviathan was last seen. Don’t want to pop up right in front of the thing. That energy weapon it’s got is something else.”

“I concur, Jon,” the professor replied. He sounded like he wanted to add something, but instead he just clenched his jaw shut.

We decanted out of hyperspace and I brought up the scanners to search for the leviathan. My equipment was having troubles zeroing in on the ship, though.

“That way,” Professor Xavier pointed.

I oriented the ship in that direction and aimed my scanners. In short time, I was able to bring up the living ship onto my screens.

“Fascinating…” I murmured.

“Indeed…” the Professor concurred.

“Hey Jonesey, how’s come you stopped the boat?” Mojo the Monkeyboy hopped into the cockpit, took one look at the screen and his jaw dropped. “Holy jumpin’ crimenelly!”

“You said it,” I added absently. “I’m on a vector towards it but I’m still worried about that thing’s energy weapon. I don’t know how we’re going to contact that thing either, maybe a singing telegram.”

Though we were still on the other side of the system from the organic ship, we had a good look at it on the viewscreen. It was impressive to say the least. The ship was drifting; aimlessly it seemed, towards an asteroid field.

“What is it doing?” I wondered out loud. The Professor just shook his head slightly. The monkeyboy, for once, was standing there quietly.

Suddenly my sensors started pinging noisily.

“Energy levels are going off the scope!” I announced.

Energy began to visibly build up around the great ship, it then discharged onto one of the largest of the floating rocks. Energy caressed it for a moment, then the asteroid exploded in a bright flash.

“Whoa!” I shouted.

“Impressive…” the Professor added.

“I’m not so sure we should be running up to that thing to say hello,” I concluded. “That weapon looks even more dangerous up close.”

“Continue along this vector, Jon,” Professor Xavier assured me. “We will not be harmed on our approach.”

“I don’t like it,” I countered. “That thing can turn us into French fries faster than you can say ‘Freedom Fries.’”

“Do not worry about the weapon.” the Professor kept his eyes on the image of the leviathan. “She will not fire it at us.”

“She?” I asked. “So it’s a she? How do you know?”

“Because, Jon.” The Professor looked at me. “I am in contact with her.”

Mojo looked up at me.

Reluctantly, I snapped my pistol back into its holster.

“What’s up, space jock?” Mojo the Monkeyboy grinned inanely.

Is everything all right back there? I “heard” Professor Xavier mentally calling to me from the cockpit.

“Yeah, it’s OK!” I yelled back. “It’s just Mojo.”

Mojo the fat, extra dimensional villain or Mojo the Monkeyboy sidekick-wanna be? he inquired telepathically.

“The monkeyboy one, unfortunately,” I sighed.

“Say pal, have we met before?” the creature cackled. “What brings you here?”

“The question is what brings you here?” I returned.

“Oh, I have a perfectly reasonable explanation for that,” he assured me. “See, I was hopping off to your office to take care of your goldfish when I suddenly thought of something: How many goldfish am I taking care of? Then I thought Where does Jon keep the fish food. Then I thought how much should I feed these fish. Then I thought how much is too much. Then I thought what if I feed the fish too much and they die, would Jon want to know or would he want me to just secretly replace them just like in all those TV shows. Then I thought if I kill them, can I eat them? Then I thought—”

“OK OK,” I interrupted. “So how did you get here?”

“Oh, I bounced back to ask you and then I saw you throw that grumpity-lookin’ fellow off and then you stepped away from the hatch and then I hopped in to ask you but then you closed the hatch and went to the front of the ship and then I was going to follow you but then the ship shot up really, really fast and I fell back into all this stuff,” he answered. “And here I am, ta da!”

I rubbed my eyes with my fingers.

“Alright, alright,” I said. “I don’t want to hear anything else.”

“You mean I get to come along?” he batted his eyelashes. “Chum?”

“Yes,” I answered exasperatedly. “We’re on a tight schedule and can’t go back but this mission’s too important to be goofing around. You can stay, but you need to stay right here at all times. Got it?”

“Got it caught it dot it slap shot it and squat on it, my pally-o-pal!” he answered gleefully. “I’m going to stay right here and – whulp!”

I don’t know how he managed to do it, but somehow he went tumbling off to the side and crashed into a mop and bucket. I didn’t even realize that I had a mop and bucket on board the Danger Sled.

“Ooops!” his chortle echoed through the bucket on his head. “Did I do that?”

I rubbed my eyes with my fingers again.

“Stay right there, Mojo,” I ordered. “Don’t move. Don’t say a word.”

“But I—”

“Shhh!” I hissed with my finger to my lips. I spun on my heel and stalked off back to the cockpit with my fists balled.

“Is everything all right, Jon?” Professor Xavier asked.

“No.” I tried to contain my frustration. “I have a monkeyboy who snuck onboard just as we were taking off and is now crashing around the back of my ship.”

“Relax, Jon,” Xavier tried to soothe me. “It isn’t that bad. He probably won’t even bother us on this mission.”

“Oh don’t count on it,” I said. “You don’t know what it’s like to have an obnoxious thing like that bouncing around you all the time.”

“You may be surprised to hear this, but I do,” he answered. “All heroes at one time or another must face a trial such as this. Don’t let him bother you and it will be all over before you know it.”

“You may be right,” then I paused. Something dawned on me. “Say Professor, If you’re a telepath, how come you didn’t detect his presence when he hopped on board?”

“Jon, have you ever tried reading a book that had absolutely nothing written on the pages?”

In space, no one can hear you meme...

We were flying through hyperspace and everything seemed fine. Professor Xavier was in the copilots seat looking out at space bend and fold around us. He sat there expressionless, but allowed myself a chuckle. The Professor looked over at me and raised an eyebrow.

“Yes?”

“That psionic wedgie.” I chuckled. “Man, I’m still laughing.”

“Yes, well of course I don’t find it very civilized to cause harm onto another being,” said the Professor. “Though upon occasion, I will begrudgingly make an exception.”

We still had another day or so until we reached the sector of space that leviathan was occupying. I stretched a bit and yawned. Despite what Hollywood may tell you, space travel isn’t always very exciting.

With little else to do, I queued up my InterN.E.T messages. Oh, looks like Private Hudson sent me a meme. Surprise surprise.

1. Grab the nearest book: So here’s my dilemma. Do I open up a really good book such as Tales of the Unexpected and post that even though I am not actually reading that book right now? Or should I actually post text from a book that I actually am reading. Actually. What about copyright issues? I’d hate to be sued for infringement. Anyway, I’ll just ignore that threat for the moment and since we are on the cusp of (American) football season, I want to post a quote from Walter Payton’s book Never Die Easy.
2. Open the book to page 123 (I don’t actually think it’s this page, bear with me)
3. Find the fifth sentence. (I don’t think it’s actually the fifth sentence either)
4. Post the text of it and the next 3 sentences on your blog along with these instructions.

“I want to be remembered as the guy who gave his all whenever he was on the field.”

5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.
6. Tag three people. Any suckers, er, takers?

A small jolt nudged me back to what I was doing.

“That was disconcerting,” Professor Xavier said. “Your ship here isn’t going to break up in hyperspace is it?”

“No no,” I replied while checking the readout. “Just a little hyperspace turbulence, it’s nothing to be worried about. Statistically speaking, flying through hyperspace is the safest way to travel.”

“I do believe that I’ve heard that before,” Xavier replied. “Though I believe it was without the ‘hyperspace’ part.”

“Traveling through hyperspace isn’t like dusting crops, Professor.”

“Oh now I see that you’re just trying to get to me,” the leader of the X-Men answered. “How would you like a psionic wedgie?

“Mmm, I think I’ll pass,” I answered. Our chuckling was interrupted by a crashing noise in the hold. “What was that?”

“I don’t know,” he replied. “Perhaps the turbulence knocked some of that equipment around.”

“You’re probably right,” I told the Professor. “Nonetheless, why don’t you stay here, I’ll go check it out.”

I moved to the back of the space plane, there I saw a small pile of metal boxes on the deck. From behind one of the boxes a shadow shifted.

I drew one of my blasters from its holster.

“Who’s there?” I demanded. “Come on out.”

The figure stood up. I couldn’t believe my eyes.

“Mojo?”

“How you doin’ my best fwend foh evuh and evuh?”

To the Leviathan and Beyond!

I was prepping the Danger Sled for launch. Professor Xavier was in the cockpit and Professor S’Magmier was stowing his gear in the hold. I moved around the outside of the ship and I was just about to climb up into it when I heard that noise again.

“Bounce, bounce, bounce.”

There he was bounding across the tarmac. Oblivious to the sky cycles, the aircraft, and all the other activity of a busy landing pad, he aimed his frenetic bouncing right towards me.

“Hey hey Jonny Jon Jon Jo Jo J J!” He cackled gleefully. “You goin’ on a trip, buddy muddy fuddy duddy?”

“That’s right Mojo,” I answered. “It’s an important one, too. I don’t have time to goof off with you today.”

“Sure you do, do doodoo! There’s always time to goof off.”

“Ah, nope, I’m afraid not.” I leaned in real close to him. “This mission is of vital importance to the galaxy. Queen Galacta herself is sending me on it.”

“Oh joy,” Mojo’s eyelashes batted. “She is so beauteous. I would loooo-ooove to share a banana split with her, if you know what I mean.”

“Do you mean that you just want to share a banana split with her?” I asked flatly.

“Yes.”

“Well, that’s nice,” I started up the ramp. “But I really have to go.”

“Wait! I know what your mission needs!” He paused as if he was building a dramatic effect. “A sidekick!”

“I don’t think so,” I replied.

“Pppppppplease, Eddie!” he called out. “I’ll be your best fwend fo ever and ever and ever!”

I leaned in closer to him. My eyes darted back and forth mysteriously. “Yeah, except I have a very important mission for you. Only you.”

His eyes widened. His mouth popped open. “Really?”

“Really.” I leaned closer still. “I need you to take care of my goldfish while I’m gone.”

Mojo gulped, then he smiled and his hand flipped up into a salute. “You can count on me Jay Jay Jumpin’ Jingleheimerschmidt! Hey, that’s my name too! Hooo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha hah hah hah hah!”

I watched him bounce happily away, then stepped into the ship and made my way into the cockpit.

“You don’t have a goldfish,” Professor Xavier said to me.

“No,” I replied. “They keep dying on me.”

“And you just sent off that monkeyboy like that.”

“On a fool’s errand,” I chuckled. “Who better to send? Besides, do you really want a monkeyboy here with us?”

“No!” Xavier quickly replied. “No thank you. I do believe that this mission would continue nicely without him.”

“My gear is stowed, thank you,” Professor S’Magmier stepped into the cockpit. “Now if you two are finished picking mites out of each other’s body hair, I am ready to go.”

“You know, Smeggy, I wasn’t going to make a big deal out of this in front of the Queen but you’re really beginning to get on my nerves. You’re gonna have to zip it on this flight or else I might have to make you feel bad with some real harsh words.”

“Spoken like the backwards species that you are,” S’Magmier snapped back. “It is my job to make contact with the leviathan, yours is to just get me there. Perhaps if you could get those thumbs of yours to work, you could paw that control panel well enough to get us to our destination.”

“OK, that’s it,” I leaped up from my seat and grabbed his arm. “I’m going to show you what an unevolved person like myself is capable of.”

“Oh my--! Don’t kill me!” he wailed. “Don’t kill me!”

“We don’t really need him, do we Professor?”

“I would say the ride would be much more pleasant without him as well,” Xavier answered. “Although I might add that--”

“OK, cool!” I maneuvered the groveling scientist to the hatch. “You’re not coming, Smeggy. We’ll see you later.”

“But what about... Ahhh! No!” I popped the door open and pushed him through it.

“Don’t worry, it’s just a small drop!” I yelled to him. “I’m sure an advanced species such as you can survive it.”

S’Magmier landed on the ground with a thud. He looked up at me with a bit of a pout.”

“Hasta la vista, Smeggy!” I yelled to him.

“What?”

“I said ‘Ciao, chucklehead!’”

“What the frell are you saying?”

“Viva la revolution!” I whooped and closed the hatch.

He shook his fist back at me in futile rage as I waved to him from the cockpit. I lifted my ship off the ground, hovered for just a moment, and then shot her straight through the clouds and into space.

“You know, Jon,” Professor Xavier looked at me from the copilot’s chair. “You’re not doing our species any favors with behavior such as that. We might actually need his expertise when we meet this leviathan.”

“Meh, I’ve been in worse situations before,” I answered. “I think you and I can handle it. It’s first and ten, here we go!”

“Jon, you already said that it was first and ten earlier,” Xavier pointed out. “Is it still?”

“Uh, I guess it’s second and seven,” I shrugged and popped my ship into hyperspace. “Pass or run?”

“And what is with the football analogies?” Xavier asked. “I have to admit, I am not really a fan of the game.”

“Can’t help it,” I answered. “Football season’s about to start!”

The mission and the ship

“Hold on,” interrupted a technician. “New footage coming in.”

The Queen, Professor Xavier, the other professor, myself, and everyone else on deck who could spare an eyeball looked up at the screen and saw a far off shot of the ship. It certainly looked impressive, but it didn’t seem to be doing much.

“There’s more…” the technician punched a few buttons and the view changed a bit. This view showed some sort of energy building around the ship. The energy lanced out and scorched the moon of the planet the ship was orbiting. The moon exploded into a fiery flash of light.

The ship seemed to shift subtly and another lance of energy shot out towards our view. I blinked as the view broke into static.

“Drone 2 confirms that Drone 1 was destroyed,” the technician announced his readings. “Drone 1 is maintaining its distance and will hopefully stay out of that thing’s range.”

“This is now more serious that we originally imagined,” Queen Galacta IX stated. “If Galactor should get his hands on something with that kind of power, it will spell doom for the peoples of this galaxy.”

“Then we’re just going to have to beat them to it,” I said. “No sweat. First and ten.”

I saw Professor S’Magmier sneer just a little bit again. It was as if he was barely trying to contain his distain.

Although I can certainly appreciate your Earth sports analogies, I don’t believe anyone else here will get them, Professor Xavier thought to me.

Of course not, I replied. All part of the fun.

“Do not worry, Your Highness,” the leader of the X-Men announced out loud. “We shall not fail at our mission. You have my word on that.”

“Thank you, Professor,” she replied. And with a nod, we knew that we were dismissed.

Our happy little band made our way to the transporter room. The plan was to beam back to the Danger Sled and fly as quickly as possible to the living ship. On our way to the teleporter, S’Magmier’s sneer grew into full blown distaste.

“Ironic, isn’t it,” he thought out loud. “That two members of such an unevolved species are tasked to make first contact with perhaps the most advanced creature that this galaxy has known.

Is he for real? I thought to Professor X. What is his problem?

I am afraid that you will be able to find prejudice in just about every part of the galaxy, he answered. Humans certainly do not possess a monopoly on bigotry.

“I also find it highly ironic that one of the greatest telepathic minds in the galaxy comes from such a backwards species,” he continued. “I’ve studied your planet. I am quite surprised you aren’t yet extinct.”

I stopped him right there in the corridor and held up my finger. “That’s one, Smegy,” I said. “I know we’ve got problems. We’re not perfect. But I am not going to stand by and let you insult us like this. I’m getting’ pretty sick and tired of defending my planet to every damn holier-than-thou jerk that comes along.”

“I was j-just…” he stammered.

“Stow it!” I sent a mental wink to Xavier, he returned a psychic chuckle. I never knew that he could do that.

S’Magmier was fuming as we got onto the transporter pads. It didn’t take a telepath to see he was not happy with his situation.

Too bad for him. He’s stuck with us.

On board the Queen's ship

The officer led me to the bridge of Galaxy One, I tried to get information from him but he was tight lipped about what’s going on.

Finally we reached the command center, there was the usual buzz of activity as the officers and crew busied themselves at their stations. The queen was sitting on her dais. I approached her and dropped to my knee.

“My Queen,” I said. “It is a pleasure to be in Your presence once again.”

“Rise, Gladiator,” She replied coolly. “It is indeed My pleasure, but it is also not a time for formalities. Once again, your abilities are needed in service of My galaxy.”

With that, a scientist stepped forward and an image flickered on a screen.

“Several dats ago, relatively equivalent to your Earth day,” he began. “Our long range scanners picked up this ship at the edge of our galaxy.”

I looked at the ship; I couldn’t believe what I saw. “That thing looks… organic,” I said.

“Indeed it does, Earthman” affirmed the scientist. “It is a species we have never encountered before. A living ship is truly an amazing sight. Something no one could have conceived of before now.”

“And you want me to go fly to that thing to say hello?” I asked.

“We would be honored if you did,” said the Queen. I saw the scientist’s upper lip curl up in to the slightest sneer.

“Well sure, I’ll go,” I answered. “First contact situations aren’t really my forte, though.”

“That is why we have asked another of you kind to join you,” she answered.

A door slid open and a familiar face rolled forward.

“Professor Xavier,” I smiled and put my hand forward to shake his.

“It is a pleasure to see you once again, Jon,” he shook my hand.

“This ship, if it is truly alive, is the most unusual and foreign entity we have encountered,” said the Queen. “Making contact with it may be a most difficult task, but we must do so before My evil brother does.”

I thought about Galactor the Evil Galactic Overlord and how much evil his has brought onto the galaxy. I certainly didn't want him to get his hands on this, either.

“It would be an honor to serve you this way,” Professor X spoke diplomatically.

“Yeah, it will be mine also,” I answered.

“Professor S’Magmier will accompany you,” the Queen continued. “He is my best scientist in the matter of Xenoforms.”

I saw him sneer just a little bit again.

“Well, let’s get going, gents,” I said. “Time for us to fly.”

Planet Hacknor, Fire Island D

I was walking across the tarmac of the landing pad on Fire Island D when I thought I heard something off in the distance.

“Bounce... Bounce... Bounce...”

I stopped and looked around. I couldn’t see what was making that noise, though.

“Bounce… Bounce… Bounce…!”

Again, I couldn’t tell where that noise was coming from.

“Bounce. Bounce. Bounce!”

I quickly turned around. It didn’t work, I couldn't see who was doing it.

“Bounce! Bounce! Bounce!”

It seemed pretty obvious who it was, but I let him get closer.

“Howya doin’ Jonny, Jon Jon Jon Shabadoo?”

“Mojo the Monkeyboy,” I looked at him. “What brings you here?”

“Well, buddypalchumbuddyfriend,” he answered. “I’ve been watching-swatching-glotching Last Gladiator Standing, of course.”

“…And..?”

“Well, I was just thinking-inking,” Mojo continued. “You had a sidekick competition, righty?”

“Yeah?”

“I think you could have another one, Jingo Jango Jongo!” he squealed.

“Ah, so you could get a job ‘kicking?” I asked.

“You got it, Jon-Darme!” he snorted. “I’ll be your bestest friend fow ever and ever and ever!”

“So, you got your Intergalactic Sidekickery Phorce internship card?” I asked.

“Ah, well, er I wouldn’t say that I have insomuch as I am still not, er, mumble mumble,” he mumbled. “But I got my themesong! Listen to this!

“The wonderful thing about monkeboys
Is monkeyboys are wonderful things!
Their tops are made out of rubber
Their bottoms are made out of springs!
They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!
But the most wonderful thing about monkeyboys is
I'm the only one!

“What do you think, Jon Boy Wall-Tin Tin Tin?”

“Well,” I said. “I can think of two things that might be wrong about that. First, you’re not the only monkeyboy. Second, I don’t think you actually have a tail.”

“Sure I do,” he answered. “My tailbone’s connected to my butt bone. My butt bone’s connected to my brain bone. Well, not actually, but hey! I can use that song maybe!”

“I think something like that’s been done before,” I chuckled. “Nice try.”

“OK, howabout:

“I am Mojo the Monkeyboy, nana nana nana nana Monkeyboy!”

“Yeah, I don’t think that’s going to work so well either. Keep tryin’ though.”

“You got it buddy boy bones buoy bingo balk bundt cake cracker!”

Mojo happily bounced away in one direction, I walked off in another. I’m getting pretty good at this. Put up with a monkeyboy’s antics for a few minutes, then their short attention span will lead them into another direction. I chuckled to myself at the thought.

My thoughts were interrupted as a soft, fuchsia energy surrounded me. I knew this feeling from before. I was being summoned by Queen Galacta.

I felt my molecules reassemble on a transporter pad. I stepped off it and walked up to the officer standing before me.

“Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator,” he said. “The Queen of the Galaxy needs your help.”

“I know,” I answered.

Google uses Pigeons?

Interesting.

I would think that they'd use squids or something. Squids have 10 tentacles to type with, pigeons can only peck with their beaks.

Love is Drugs?

I've long held the theory that you can take any popular song written that contains frequent use of the word "love" in the lyrics and substitute the word "drug" or "drugs." I don't actually think that they were written this way on purpose, but some of them are just a little too close for coincidence. Take a look:

"In the name of drugs, what more in the name of drugs" -- U2
"I will always drug you" -- Dolly Parton
"Drugs, drugs will keep us together" -- Captain and Tennille
"Drugs will tear us apart" -- Joy Division
"Hello, I drugged you won't you tell me your name" -- The Doors
"Drug me tender, drug me true" -- Elvis Presley
"I'll do anything for drugs" -- Meatloaf
"To all the girls I've drugged before" -- Willie Nelson and Julio Iglesius
"I think I drugged you" -- The Partridge family

Of course, you may have to change the subject/verb agreement or tense to actually make it fit, but that's all part of the fun of doing this.

"Can you feel the drug tonight?" -- Elton John
"I drugged you just the way you are" -- Billy Joel
"Tonight, I celebrate my drug" -- Roberta Flack and Peabo Bryson
"The power of drugs" -- Huey Lewis and the News
"Drugs lift us up where we belong" -- Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes

Incredible, isn't it? Who would possibly concieve that this could happen? Even more amazing, the most notable offenders are the Beatles. Take a look at this list:

"All you need is drugs"
"Can't buy me drugs"
"Drug, drug me do"
"PS, I drugged you"
"And I drugged her"
"Drug you to"
"Hallelujah I drugged Her So"
"I won't stay in a world without drugs"
"Falling in drug again"

OK, maybe that last one doesn't quite fit, so it must be the exception that proves the rule.

On a final note, I just wanted to make sure everyone understands that I don't condone the use of illegal substances. As an Intergalactic Gladiator, I need to keep in tip top shape and so I make it a point to avoid drugs in any form, except for beer, aspirin, and space steroids.

Er, but not the space steroids, I don't use those.

I am a Light Cycle. I drive fast, I turn fast, I do everything fast. I even breakfast. I tend to confuse people with my sudden changes of heart. Sometimes I even confuse myself, which tends to cause problems. What Video Game Character Are You?

Lounging at the Hero Lounge

[Crowd murmuring, applause]
Good evening everybody, thank you thank you. I am Johnny Paladin and I'll be your entertainment for this evening. Did everyone see how big that bouncer is? I think he could beat Lou Ferrigno in an arm wrestling contest.

[Mild laughter]

Spider-Man, Spider-Man*
Does whatever a spider can
Can he swing from a thread?
Take a look overhead

Look out here comes the Spider-Man, Spider-Man forever

Spider-Man, Spider-Man now and forever

[Applause]
Thank you, thank you very much. Say, what's your name?

Cyclops: I'm Cyclops, leader of the X-Men.

Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,**
I'm a woman's man, no time to talk.
Music loud and women warm.
I've been kicked around since I was born.
And now it's all right, it's O.K.
And you may look the other way.
We can try to understand
The New York Times' effect on man.
Whether you're a brother
Or whether you're a mother,
I'm Cyclops, Cyclops.
Feel the city breakin'
And ev'rybody shakin'
And we're Cyclops, Cyclops.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin' alive.

[Mild applause]

Cyclops: That was awesome!

Thank you, thank you very much. Hey, are there many mutants here tonight?

[Applause]

Please don't take my wallet.

[Laughter]

I'm kidding! Hey, it's Superman himself! Ladies and gentlemen, the Man of Steel.

[Applause, Superman sheepishly waves to the crowd]

What brings you here?

Superman: I don't get many days off, but when I get the chance, I like to come here to relax with some of my, er super friends.

If I go crazy then will you still ***
Call me Superman
If I'm alive and well, will you be
There holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side with
My superhuman might
Kryptonite

You called me strong, you called me weak
But your secrets I will keep
You took for granted all the times I
Never let you down
You stumbled in and bumped your head, if
Not for me then you would be dead
I picked you up and put you back
On solid ground

If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I'm alive and well will you be
There holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side with my
Superhuman might
Kryptonite

[Applause]

Superman: Thank you, er, that was nice. No more songs about Kryptonite, OK?

You got it, big guy. Hey, look who's here. Howya doin' tonight, Vegeta?

Vegeta: You know, relaxing, taking a break from smashing things.

Has he lost his mind? ****
Can he see or is he blind?
Can he walk at all,
Or if he moves will he fall?
Is he alive or dead?
Has he thoughts within his head?
Well just pass him there
Why should we even care?

Now the time is here
For Vegeta to spread fear
Vengeance from the grave
Kills the people he once saved

Heavy boots of lead
Fills his victims full of dread
Running as fast as they can
Vegeta lives again!

[Applause]

Vegeta: Sweet.

Thank you, thank you very much. Let's see who else is here tonight. Say, look over here, It looks like, oh oh...

The Tick: I am the Tick, I am mighty!

Oh boy.

Da dwee dah dah dah dwee dow *****
da dweeee dah dah dah dwee dow
Dwee dah do-doo dah dwee dah d0-doo dah
Da dwee dah dah dah dwee dow
Doot doot dah dah dat doot doot dah dah dah!

[Applause]

Thank you, thank you very much.

The Tick: That was keen! Do another!

Uh...

The Tick: Come on, singer! Sing for all you are worth!

OK.

Nana nana nana nana ******
Nana nana nana nana
The Tick!

Nana nana nana nana
Nana nana nana nana
The Tick!

The Tick! The Tick! The Tick!

Nana nana nana nana na
The Tick!

The Tick: Once again you have floored me with a great song, citizen. Sing another!

Looks like that's all the time we have for tonight. Thank you, you've been a great crowd!

[Applause]

The Tick: Hey!

* To the tune of Edelweiss
** To the tune of Stayin' Alive by the Bee Gees
*** Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down
**** To the tune of Iron Man by Black Sabbath
***** Theme to The Tick
****** To the tune of Batman

Separated at Birth III: The Final Frontier

Ladies and gentlemen, in Separated at Birth and Separated at Birth II we amazed and astounded you with our amazing and outstanding findings. But now what will our super powerful laser computers show us today? I hope you're ready to find out!


Midnight Oil frontman Peter Garrett and veteran character actor Michael Berryman are separated at birth!


Max Rebo and Blue are separated at birth!


Are Dwight Shrute and Tim Robbins separated at birth? You better believe your beet farm they are.


Zorak and Paris Hilton are separated at birth. Careful Zorak, she'll bite your head off because that's what evil an space mantis is wont to do.


Shrug and Lex Luthor are separated at birth! Remember dear readers, these results are complied by a super computer that is more powerful than 5 regular super computers duct taped together.


Cure singer Robert Smith and former Vikings running back Robert Smith are separated at birth. Wait, this doesn't seem right. Sure, they share the same name but they don't look alike at all.


Jon Stewart and John Stewart are separated at birth? Oh come on, that's not right. One is a comedian and the other's a Green Lantern. Let me check the settings on the computer.

PC Load Letter? What the hell does that mean?

Uh, we'll be back soon with more Separated at Birth.

Kenobi loves Cheetos

I guess it's time for me to jump on that "Kenobi loves Cheetos" bandwagon. Hopefully this poor dead horse hasn't been beaten quite enough yet.


Say look, Obi Wan is hosting a lovely dinner party. It appears that all the guests are having a fine time discussing the issues of the day.


Yes, this is a fine fete indeed. Hey you, don't eat the table!



In fact, that Obi Wan is so obsessed with the little orange curls of chalky cheese goodness, that even when he sees the future, his visions are marred by their salty orange presence.


So pucker up, the next time you want a kiss from your favorite Jedi Master. prepare to taste Cheeto goodness. Of course, he might not actually kiss you, as that would deminish the ammount of Cheeto flavor that he could keep for himself.

Hudson reviews Shadows of the Night

Pat Benatar is rock star and an American legend. Her songs make you laugh and cry, but mostly they make you think. Shadows of the Night is no exception and the video for it is no exception, either. Here I will critique what is arguably history's greatest video and perhaps you too will agree with my assessment.

Here our heroine is working hard at a drill press, pressing out little metal round thingies for victory. But she longs for something more. She stares at a poster featuring P-51 Mustangs. We dissolve to a rough and tumble group of aviators getting a briefing from a pointing stick-wielding officer who slaps a map a couple times. Quickly, they run to their planes and climb in and

Judge Reinhold? What the heck is Judge "Frickin'" Reinhold doing there anyway? OK, I guess he's one of the pilots. Good for him.

So our daring, rough and ready squad takes to the skies and after a couple of sweet aerial maneuvers, head straight for the enemy. The group gets to their objective and they hit the ground. They're going commando to take out the enemy.

Nazis! They're taking on a Nazi stronghold!

Show 'em what fer guys! Say, who is that handsome soldier on the left?

Pat Benatar leads her commando team in where they stay just out of sight of those evil National Socialists.

Then they plant not one, not two, but three bundles of TNT right in the air vent. They're going to blow this place sky high. I am not sure why they didn't just drop a bomb on it or something, but you gotta hand it to them for their pluck and their determination. They're in there getting their hands dirty, not just lasing a target from 800 meters away. They're going to blow it up with dynamite just like their great, great granddaddies used to blow up Nazi chalets.

Der Kommandandt takes a moment from kissing the neck of a sweet Fräulein to run back to the main room and sound the alert. Meanwhile, the handsome young soldier mans the radio station.

The dirty Jerries scramble to stop the heroic intruders and what's this? One of the soldaten has a ponytail! A ponytail? Where's the barber, this guy's haircut is out of regulation!

Our heroes race back to their planes, strip the cammo net away and lift off!

The Nazis give chase and a dogfight ensues. Who will win? Who will lose? Who will live and who will die? We don't know.

In the cockpit, the angelic voiced dogface sings into her microphone. Who could be listening?

Could it be to the young, good looking radio operator? It just might be.

Meanwhile on the tabletop, the figures representing the German planes in the air are swept away. The commander is so disgusted that he accidentally hits his subordinate, the pulchritudinous radio operator.

The Jerry pilot angrily shakes his hand at our heroes, then screams and crashes into the ground. His evilness is no more.

The German stronghold explodes! We hope that the jackboot-wearing Adonis was able to dive for safety. He doesn't deserve to die, he was just following orders.

Mission accomplished. Time for the Dirty Foursome to head home.

But wait, was this only a dream? It must have been! The rugged and striking soldier must still be alive.

Clearly you can see how powerfully emotional this video is. I give it 73 rounds from my M41A Pulse Rifle!

See Shadows of the Night here!

See something horrific and terrifying here!