Wow. I totally can't sleep right now. I would love nothing more than to sleep and enjoy a full mornings slumber. But unfortunately my body is all sorts of thrown off lately. I was sick with a nasty cold the past couple of weeks (which I have recently learned was more likely the H3 flu). During that time, I was popping Dayquil and Nyquil like it was Trailmix. Although it fought off my symptoms poorly for short amounts of time, it was all I had to combat the virus.The Dayquil wasn't so bad. It didn't do much to affect me adversely. At best, it provided me a slightly better quality of life. However, Nyquil controlled my sleep. It was the green, gel-capsuled sandman. I fell asleep, got great quality of sleep, woke up groggy as all hell, and repeated for 2 weeks. Now that I have to attempt to sleep without my precious over the counter drugs, my body is now suffering. Sleep has been a bit of a struggle lately.
But don't worry, I imagine that I will soon be back my regular backward sleeping schedule in no time. And now that I'm over this cold, I can return to the gym with vague hopes of toning up my scrawny body. With this whole "healthy phase" that I've been in lately, I've told myself to be more open to new activities to get into shape. This will also help me with better lifestyle changes physically and socially. I've decided that I would like to purchase a decent bike a little before summer so I can ride around. I miss riding a bike places. Maybe I can try some novice trails or something. I have also felt that hiking wouldn't be a bad choice either. I do love the outdoors despite my brief contact with it the past few years. Running outside isn't my favorite. But I have been tempted to possibly do a 5k or a marathon at least once this year just to see if I can do it. Normally, I would have some sort of self-conscious feeling that would tell me "Do you really want to run in a crowded race where your competitive side will be pissed off that you finished last?" Don't get me wrong, I love watching my fat ass struggle against the determination of healthier people, but this might not be a great idea. But I think I will opt to do this anyway. It's a challenge that I keep thinking about. Someone recently suggested that I take up climbing as well. I think that would be fun if I wasn't constantly afraid of plummeting to a splattery doom. Even then, my fear of heights would prevent me from doing anything meaningful or fun. Knowing my luck, I would just shit my pants and ruin it for the unfortunate climbing enthusiasts who were climbing below me. No climbing.
Now that I've effectively shared enough pointless information to the deaf ears of the internet. I think it would be most suitable for me to attempt sleep one more time. Just in case my body feels like it might be a good idea to fall asleep before 9 am.
That would be sweet.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Editing is for Suckers and Hippies
Dear Reader(s ?),
I am terrible at editing my own blogs. I realize this. I write them once and don't look over them a second time until days later. When it comes to a paper or an email, I take a fine tooth comb to every word and punctuation. But when I write here, I pretty much half-ass it. I treat this place as a journal where the thoughts just flow. I don't worry about anything but just writing. In turn, it sucks for me to go back and read how stupid I seem on here. Rest assured, I realize all my errors but am much too lazy to correct them unless boredom has simply overcome me.
In short, I'm not a dumbass (I realized the set-up I'm giving people to make a smart-assed remark that would indicate otherwise. However in this case, I'm referring to the fact that I'm not actually a dumbass as far as basic grammar goes no matter how much evidence is currently present on this page.)
Will I fix these minor errors that make some people want to scream?
Yes.
When?
Don't know.
Do I care that much?
Nah.
Will it still be done?
Yes.
Have I driven this point home enough?
Probably.
Will I go on with this self-questioning dialogue to stall for time because I'm too awake to sleep?
Not anymore.
I am terrible at editing my own blogs. I realize this. I write them once and don't look over them a second time until days later. When it comes to a paper or an email, I take a fine tooth comb to every word and punctuation. But when I write here, I pretty much half-ass it. I treat this place as a journal where the thoughts just flow. I don't worry about anything but just writing. In turn, it sucks for me to go back and read how stupid I seem on here. Rest assured, I realize all my errors but am much too lazy to correct them unless boredom has simply overcome me.
In short, I'm not a dumbass (I realized the set-up I'm giving people to make a smart-assed remark that would indicate otherwise. However in this case, I'm referring to the fact that I'm not actually a dumbass as far as basic grammar goes no matter how much evidence is currently present on this page.)
Will I fix these minor errors that make some people want to scream?
Yes.
When?
Don't know.
Do I care that much?
Nah.
Will it still be done?
Yes.
Have I driven this point home enough?
Probably.
Will I go on with this self-questioning dialogue to stall for time because I'm too awake to sleep?
Not anymore.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Online Time Capsule
As promised, I said I would put more pictures in my blog. I will not disappoint.
As I was waiting for my sheets to come out of the dryer late tonight, I talked to an old childhood friend on Facebook. In the background, I was watching a Kevin Smith stand up which had lost my interest long ago. My friend spoke of the past. What was, what should have been, and what is not. I couldn't help but reflect on my own life because of his words (even if they were coming from a possibly drunken mind. I wasn't sure so I didn't ask). But I didn't look back so harshly as I tend to. Rather I tried to find other outlets too look back. Long lost outlets.
I logged into my old Myspace account. I remember how cool I thought I was lying about my age signing up for it. Initially I was just using it to promote my band. Funny thing was, I was one of the first 500 users to sign up for the page. How was I supposed to know this "social network" thing was going to take off. Myspace was more than just a band promoting tool, and later on a social social. It became a time capsule of who I was when I was young. I stopped using it a lot about four years ago. I used it sporadically in between. But when I log in now, I see a portrait of who I was. Who I thought I was. The pictures posted. The personal information. The countless blogs. I went through that old page and traveled back in time, to when I was a sophomore in high school. I looked at old pictures long forgotten (also forgotten in the sense that I don't have them saved on a hard drive any where.) I looked at old friends pages, that had also collected cyber dust if you will. Not only were they time capsules to their past, but mine and how much our lives were apart of each others. I saw posts that stretched as far back as 7 years.
I was so young and wreckless. So self absorbed and lost. It made me realize how much of my youth is now lost. I'm facing aging now. I'm only 24 at the time of this post. But looking back at pictures that I thought represented who I was made me realize how much has changed and yet, what hasn't changed but needs to. I won't bore you with those details. But I couldn't help but feel hopeless against the weight of time. Those pictures were memories that we speak so highly of to this day. And yet it seems like those types of memories were the last of them so long ago. I feel like Peter Pan and pathetic adults who refuse to grow up. Hanging on to the very last shred of youth. Looking back now, I realize I don't have as much of it as I used to.
I was maybe 17 in this picture. This is with my old band. In the middle is an old friend whom I haven't spoken to in years named Branden. At the far right is probably my oldest friend, Kyle. I've known him since 3rd grade. We don't talk or hang out as much as we used to. Our paths divided a long time ago. We still keep in touch but it will never be the same as it was. I laugh because I look so tan and baby faced.
This picture makes me laugh. This was a good and bad day rolled into one. This was about 4 years ago when I lived with my good friends Brennon and Matt in Murray. I found this picture on my Myspace with the caption "I was wrong about you, you are Top Gun material." I remember the quote. But I don't remember the backstory of the joke other than Jeff and I thought it was funny to wear aviators. Jeff had said it and I laughed hysterically. This day, we went to Lagoon, had an awesome time. Came back and threw a party at the apartment that went horribly wrong. It featured shady people being invited and me almost getting my ass kicked by a stranger looking for his girlfriend. We all look so chubby in this picture which has mostly to do with the deep fryer we had in our apartment. We lived off of it.
I doubt many people would guess from this picture that we were 19 in the picture. We look like we did when we graduated high school almost 2 years before. We had so much fun. We had each other. Before everyone scattered. Before we all decided where our lives should take us.
In the interest of time, I will just post the other pictures without stories or commentary. But enjoy the younger looking, vastly more arrogant me.
Well there you have it. Hope you enjoyed. Maybe I will post others on here. I don't know yet. But what I would like to do is transfer every single one of my Myspace blogs on to this blog with the appropriate date and everything so they aren't lost to me when I eventually forget the password. Or when the site inevitably shuts down. Keep your eye out for that. That is happening for sure.
As I was waiting for my sheets to come out of the dryer late tonight, I talked to an old childhood friend on Facebook. In the background, I was watching a Kevin Smith stand up which had lost my interest long ago. My friend spoke of the past. What was, what should have been, and what is not. I couldn't help but reflect on my own life because of his words (even if they were coming from a possibly drunken mind. I wasn't sure so I didn't ask). But I didn't look back so harshly as I tend to. Rather I tried to find other outlets too look back. Long lost outlets.
I logged into my old Myspace account. I remember how cool I thought I was lying about my age signing up for it. Initially I was just using it to promote my band. Funny thing was, I was one of the first 500 users to sign up for the page. How was I supposed to know this "social network" thing was going to take off. Myspace was more than just a band promoting tool, and later on a social social. It became a time capsule of who I was when I was young. I stopped using it a lot about four years ago. I used it sporadically in between. But when I log in now, I see a portrait of who I was. Who I thought I was. The pictures posted. The personal information. The countless blogs. I went through that old page and traveled back in time, to when I was a sophomore in high school. I looked at old pictures long forgotten (also forgotten in the sense that I don't have them saved on a hard drive any where.) I looked at old friends pages, that had also collected cyber dust if you will. Not only were they time capsules to their past, but mine and how much our lives were apart of each others. I saw posts that stretched as far back as 7 years.
I was so young and wreckless. So self absorbed and lost. It made me realize how much of my youth is now lost. I'm facing aging now. I'm only 24 at the time of this post. But looking back at pictures that I thought represented who I was made me realize how much has changed and yet, what hasn't changed but needs to. I won't bore you with those details. But I couldn't help but feel hopeless against the weight of time. Those pictures were memories that we speak so highly of to this day. And yet it seems like those types of memories were the last of them so long ago. I feel like Peter Pan and pathetic adults who refuse to grow up. Hanging on to the very last shred of youth. Looking back now, I realize I don't have as much of it as I used to.
I used to think that when people told me I looked 12, I thought they were just being assholes. It pissed me off. When I look at this picture, I can see what they meant. This was an infamous party out in the desert where many embarrassing pictures surfaced. I have most of them. Joe has the others. This was back in my part days, when I drank twice a month (That was a lot for me.) Brennon was smoking cheap cigars trying to look like a hard ass in this picture. We took this picture with someones phone and sent it to Jeff. He was unable to make it because of a girl. We gave him so much shit for it.
I laughed out loud when I saw this picture. It's so ridiculous. I only know this was a different desert party. Both me and RJ were drunk dancing around some fire that he had kicked out of a much much large fire with gasoline. I was dancing for some reason and RJ was jumping with joy. Ah, good times. Both pictures above I was 19.
In the interest of time, I will just post the other pictures without stories or commentary. But enjoy the younger looking, vastly more arrogant me.
Barely 19
Spring of senior year, I thought I was cool
I was 15 in this picture
19 and smug
Early Senior Year.
Well there you have it. Hope you enjoyed. Maybe I will post others on here. I don't know yet. But what I would like to do is transfer every single one of my Myspace blogs on to this blog with the appropriate date and everything so they aren't lost to me when I eventually forget the password. Or when the site inevitably shuts down. Keep your eye out for that. That is happening for sure.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Resolutioneers
No, My title was not a grammatical error on my part. Though it would not be shocking if it were since my blog tends to be saturated in errors. Anyway, I realized today that January was all but over. A little over a week is left of this month. January is usually not my best month. I tend to be sick every January. The air is crappy and it's cold. Just plain old miserable cold.
Despite the many flaws of this horrifically cold month, it does act as a symbol for the beginning of the year. New years obviously starts on the first. Some people love the concept of New years. It's the only holiday where you make resolutions to reinvent and presumably better one's self. Though statistically 80% of resolutioners give up by the 17th of January, it's not necessarily a bad thing. It is difficult to try to change your own habits. It's even more difficult to attempt to reinvent yourself. You can't reinvent yourself to get rid of who you have been. The same problems to stick around. But hey, who am I to judge? There is no other holiday with such a concept, which is intriguing in many ways. My favorite holiday is Fourth of July. I don't resolution myself to eat healthy or to be a better person on the Fourth. I'm most likely eating like crap or causing mischief on such a holiday.
Is this going anywhere you ask? No. I bet you were hoping I would share my resolutions. Truthfully, I don't really have one for the event of new years. I just like to think of it as a better way to live my year(s). Which will obviously include, do better in school, keep my weight off and maybe put on a little bit of muscle tone. And last but not least, I don't want to get punched at work at all this year. I think that's all reasonable and attainable. Right?
Right.
Well stay tuned folks. I promise I will start posting more pictures on my blogs again so you aren't reading such bland writing.
Despite the many flaws of this horrifically cold month, it does act as a symbol for the beginning of the year. New years obviously starts on the first. Some people love the concept of New years. It's the only holiday where you make resolutions to reinvent and presumably better one's self. Though statistically 80% of resolutioners give up by the 17th of January, it's not necessarily a bad thing. It is difficult to try to change your own habits. It's even more difficult to attempt to reinvent yourself. You can't reinvent yourself to get rid of who you have been. The same problems to stick around. But hey, who am I to judge? There is no other holiday with such a concept, which is intriguing in many ways. My favorite holiday is Fourth of July. I don't resolution myself to eat healthy or to be a better person on the Fourth. I'm most likely eating like crap or causing mischief on such a holiday.
Is this going anywhere you ask? No. I bet you were hoping I would share my resolutions. Truthfully, I don't really have one for the event of new years. I just like to think of it as a better way to live my year(s). Which will obviously include, do better in school, keep my weight off and maybe put on a little bit of muscle tone. And last but not least, I don't want to get punched at work at all this year. I think that's all reasonable and attainable. Right?
Right.
Well stay tuned folks. I promise I will start posting more pictures on my blogs again so you aren't reading such bland writing.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Reconnection
After a shift at work, it all came back to me. The answers to my more recent questions about why I'm so burned out at work.
I learned so much this past night. A doctor whom I admire, had taught me so much about just about everything this shift. It was like a breath of fresh air. This stagnant rut I had been in had suddenly started to dissipate. The rut isn't gone completely, but it's cracking. The doctor had later remarked about an experience they had way early in their career. They talked about the first time they ever shocked a patient with paddles and how it was the best day they could think of.
It hit me like a ton of bricks. I had lost compassion for medicine. I had stopped caring because I had peaked. Nothing was new. I hadn't learned anything. I've done everything I can do at my job and no one had bothered to teach me something new. That's what kept me going. I had remember the first time I had defibrillated a patient. I remember the awe. The excitement of something new. I want to see medicine through a fresh pair of eyes again. I want to see it as if it was the first time I had seen everything again. I want the awe and the rapture. I figured out. I just need to learn new and relevant information. I need to move forward. I need to not just learn technical skills but the science that comes with it. My eyes have been opened.
I have been in a proverbial stagnant puddle of urine as far as my skill and knowledge goes. Nothing was good because nothing surprised me. Because I thought I knew enough to move on. Wrong. There is so much I don't know and now so much I want to know. It is a renewed sense of inspiration I haven't felt in years. I want my eyes to brightened with awe from the information I can learn. I want my hopes and spirits to achieve to their full potential. I want to be somebody. I want to tap in the potential the I feel has been buried in the back of my head so long. I want to be useful, respected and pertinent. I need to do this for me because I want it and need it.
This is it. I think I can do this. I just can't get scared now.
I learned so much this past night. A doctor whom I admire, had taught me so much about just about everything this shift. It was like a breath of fresh air. This stagnant rut I had been in had suddenly started to dissipate. The rut isn't gone completely, but it's cracking. The doctor had later remarked about an experience they had way early in their career. They talked about the first time they ever shocked a patient with paddles and how it was the best day they could think of.
It hit me like a ton of bricks. I had lost compassion for medicine. I had stopped caring because I had peaked. Nothing was new. I hadn't learned anything. I've done everything I can do at my job and no one had bothered to teach me something new. That's what kept me going. I had remember the first time I had defibrillated a patient. I remember the awe. The excitement of something new. I want to see medicine through a fresh pair of eyes again. I want to see it as if it was the first time I had seen everything again. I want the awe and the rapture. I figured out. I just need to learn new and relevant information. I need to move forward. I need to not just learn technical skills but the science that comes with it. My eyes have been opened.
I have been in a proverbial stagnant puddle of urine as far as my skill and knowledge goes. Nothing was good because nothing surprised me. Because I thought I knew enough to move on. Wrong. There is so much I don't know and now so much I want to know. It is a renewed sense of inspiration I haven't felt in years. I want my eyes to brightened with awe from the information I can learn. I want my hopes and spirits to achieve to their full potential. I want to be somebody. I want to tap in the potential the I feel has been buried in the back of my head so long. I want to be useful, respected and pertinent. I need to do this for me because I want it and need it.
This is it. I think I can do this. I just can't get scared now.
Behind
(Side note: I wrote this blog about 4 days ago but decided not to publish it since it was such a downer subject. But now that I'm not so full of confusion and rage, I realized that even though readers hate reading this, it's nice for me to look back on these types of things. It helps me remember certain things. It's nice look back at writings like this and see improvement. So for those who read this all the way, sorry it's similar to the rest of the postings of this same familiar subject. However, it will be immediately followed by a happier blog.)
Maybe it's just the winter spirit that's bringing me down. I've been sick for the past 9 days. I'm sure that doesn't help. Lately, I haven't felt right. That feeling of missing something is returning with a vengeance. I think all the little things around me have built up enough to remind me of where I am in life.
With each passing day at work, I feel more burned out. I care less about anything. I'm beginning to hate my job somewhat. I feel like a tool. An unappreciated used up piece of equipment. Everything I do feels meaningless and thankless. No sense of respect. This is all exacerbated by watching two techs become nurses. Rather than being equals, I am taking orders from them. It made me think to myself, "have I really been here that long that I've seen them start and finish nursing school? And here I am, no where closer to finishing anything." Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them. they are out of a crappy job and into a better one with pay, responsibility and stability. I guess it just feels like the world is moving forward and I'm still in one place, completely inert. I hate hearing people tell me that I'm the best tech. I don't want to be the best tech. Who wants to be the best at a mediocre job where no one respects you. No one sees you as smart or clinically useful. Just a resource to benefit other staff. It's like being the best person who ever won a bronze medal. It's that sad.
This has all made me rethink for the billionth time where I'm going. The answer I keep coming up with is no where. But I don't want to be a tech. I don't want to be an EMT. I don't want to take orders all my life. I don't want to do meaningless work. The thought of going to be a paramedic has crossed my mind a couple of times. At least it might go somewhere. At least it will be moving forward right? Wrong. Why would I do that? I don't want to be a paramedic. I don't want to work on an ambulance. I want to work in a hospital. But being a paramedic in a hospital is useless in this state. So that doesn't matter. School is kicking my ass. I just can't win. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know who or what I want to be. I don't know what to expect of myself. I can't be like this forever. I can't stay in this shitty job till I die. I've got to figure something out. Anything. Something. I wish I could just quit my job, take out a bunch of student loans and just concentrate on school. Just be done with it. But that wouldn't work. It would never work.
I can't help but feel like this could be what I was meant to do. That I've been sentenced to a life of mediocrity, watching everyone pass me up and change while I stay in one place and stay the same. I want to change, and yet everything I do keeps in place. I want to move on. I want to be somebody. But all that I seem to accomplish is writing whiny blogs about this same subject about 40 times a year.
Maybe it's just the winter spirit that's bringing me down. I've been sick for the past 9 days. I'm sure that doesn't help. Lately, I haven't felt right. That feeling of missing something is returning with a vengeance. I think all the little things around me have built up enough to remind me of where I am in life.
With each passing day at work, I feel more burned out. I care less about anything. I'm beginning to hate my job somewhat. I feel like a tool. An unappreciated used up piece of equipment. Everything I do feels meaningless and thankless. No sense of respect. This is all exacerbated by watching two techs become nurses. Rather than being equals, I am taking orders from them. It made me think to myself, "have I really been here that long that I've seen them start and finish nursing school? And here I am, no where closer to finishing anything." Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them. they are out of a crappy job and into a better one with pay, responsibility and stability. I guess it just feels like the world is moving forward and I'm still in one place, completely inert. I hate hearing people tell me that I'm the best tech. I don't want to be the best tech. Who wants to be the best at a mediocre job where no one respects you. No one sees you as smart or clinically useful. Just a resource to benefit other staff. It's like being the best person who ever won a bronze medal. It's that sad.
This has all made me rethink for the billionth time where I'm going. The answer I keep coming up with is no where. But I don't want to be a tech. I don't want to be an EMT. I don't want to take orders all my life. I don't want to do meaningless work. The thought of going to be a paramedic has crossed my mind a couple of times. At least it might go somewhere. At least it will be moving forward right? Wrong. Why would I do that? I don't want to be a paramedic. I don't want to work on an ambulance. I want to work in a hospital. But being a paramedic in a hospital is useless in this state. So that doesn't matter. School is kicking my ass. I just can't win. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know who or what I want to be. I don't know what to expect of myself. I can't be like this forever. I can't stay in this shitty job till I die. I've got to figure something out. Anything. Something. I wish I could just quit my job, take out a bunch of student loans and just concentrate on school. Just be done with it. But that wouldn't work. It would never work.
I can't help but feel like this could be what I was meant to do. That I've been sentenced to a life of mediocrity, watching everyone pass me up and change while I stay in one place and stay the same. I want to change, and yet everything I do keeps in place. I want to move on. I want to be somebody. But all that I seem to accomplish is writing whiny blogs about this same subject about 40 times a year.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Excellent. Excellent
New years was good for the most part. I did get a little too drunk (I mean the drunkest I have ever been.) Got super sick. Spent all new years day fighting the hangover of the century. Aside from that, the first week of the new year has been good. Work has been busy, school starts soon. It hasn't been too bad.
I had a great Christmas! Nice relaxing time with the family. Good food. It's all win/win! I've been feeling good lately. I've gone back to the gym in the past month. It has been a nice stress release. I gained 15lbs over the fall semester. Which totally blew. But I have lost most of that and am now at the weight I was before I stopped going to the gym in September. I'm in shape again and it feels great.
I'm not looking forward to school starting soon, but what can you do? I guess it will be kind of nice having a full schedule again and keeping busy. I don't have anything terribly insightful to say. But I will try to post as much as I can this year as I did last year.
Stay tuned.
I had a great Christmas! Nice relaxing time with the family. Good food. It's all win/win! I've been feeling good lately. I've gone back to the gym in the past month. It has been a nice stress release. I gained 15lbs over the fall semester. Which totally blew. But I have lost most of that and am now at the weight I was before I stopped going to the gym in September. I'm in shape again and it feels great.
I'm not looking forward to school starting soon, but what can you do? I guess it will be kind of nice having a full schedule again and keeping busy. I don't have anything terribly insightful to say. But I will try to post as much as I can this year as I did last year.
Stay tuned.
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