No, I'm not writing the date for some important event a decade ago.
That's where I should be today with Baby #1, next to where I should be with Baby #2, next to where I actually am.
It's hard for me to fathom, but if our Christmas miracle had stuck around, I'd be well in the clear by now. I'd be huge and uncomfortable and counting down the weeks until I got to meet my little one. I'd have a finished nursery, and possibly even a few showers to look forward to.
After we lost our first baby, I told Mo that there was no way I could wait until September to try again. I couldn't go through the entire pregnancy period and know that there was no way I'd be pregnant again when her due-date rolled around. And so, despite it being financially the worst decision we ever made, we went ahead and gave it our best shot.
And it worked.
Today I should be 12 weeks with #2. Out of the first trimester, having seen an actual baby on the ultrasound. Having heard his heartbeat several times. Anxiously anticipating feeling him move inside me. Still mourning the loss of #1, but hopeful that #2 would be able to fill some of that void. Painting the nursery, planning for strollers and cribs, anxiously anticipating the next six weeks until we could plunge forward into the baby shopping madness.
Instead, I'm 0 weeks. Still bleeding from the D&C, still heartbroken and empty. I'm wondering now if I will ever be pregnant again. We got some extremely bad news this week that puts a possible hold on a future IVF, something I hadn't anticpated. (I'll post more on this later). After 7 years without a single pregnancy, I have no hope that a miracle baby will appear naturally. IVF IS our only hope, the only way we can get pregnant. And, as we well know, even that doesn't guarantee a healthy baby.
I told Mo the other day that we've spent 10 years trying to get here, and that I don't have 10 more years to invest in it. I've been off birth control since I was 20. Next year, I will be 30. I cannot be in this place when I am 40 -- I just can't. Fertility-wise, for me and him, it's just not possible. Even if we are successful soon (in the next year or so), there is no way I'll be able to have the four children I've always wanted. And the more time that passes, the farther away our baby starts to seem. Even adoption agencies frown on older parents -- many won't take you after 45. Mo, as I've mentioned before, is ten years older than I am. That means he's turning 40 this year. What happens if we try to get pregnant for five more years -- and nothing? I'll be 35, he'll be 45. Not a happy scenario.
I'm so frustrated and sad today. I miss my babies, though they hardly seem real sometimes. I want so desperately to have hope for the future, but I am feeling so pessimistic. I feel like a total failure, as a wife, as a mother. I am a hard worker -- I bust my butt at everything I put my mind to. I've always believed that if you want something bad enough, you can make it happen. But this, this I can't make happen.
I'm so tired of hitting roadblocks all the time. I'm tired of riding this roller coaster. I don't know how much more heartbreak and disappointment I can take.
It's a pity party, today, and my dear readers you're invited. Just remember to BYOB (Bring Your Own Baby)-- 'cuz there ain't any 'round here.
Friday, July 2, 2010
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Oh, honey. I have no words. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie, I'll join your pity party... But no baby here to bring. I'll just bring me, ok? I'm so sorry you're having a bad day. I try not to think of where I would be if my babies had stuck, but every once in awhile it comes back. So sad.
ReplyDelete31 / 16 / 0
ReplyDeleteI feel ya, Jo, and I have no babies to bring to the pity party either, just my own set of shitty ass numbers that I'm reminded of more often than I'd like.
I'm so sorry. I'm here in this pity party too.
Hugs.
My heart is hurting for you. I was going through the same thoughts when I had my second miscarriage. I thought it would fill the void and instead it brought more pain. You are strong and you will have tough days. But by dealing with the pain and getting through those days will bring you good days soon. I know its hard to think of that now. You need to grieve, you need to get the anger out. Keeping it inside is not good - so have your "pity parties". We are all here for you. My prayers and thoughts are with you. I wish I could just give you a hug. I wish I had the words to make you feel better. Big hugs to you today.
ReplyDeleteOh, Jo, I'm so joining in your pity party. All i can think about laely is where I SHOULD be and it is killing me. And, every time i go to the bathroom i just get hit in the face with a reminder. I'm just so sorry.
ReplyDeleteHi Jo,
ReplyDeleteI have no babies either to bring ;) But I am sure I could adopt one of my friends and bring it!
I keep thinking where I 'should be', too. I should be a Mum to at least one and thinking about another, if not pregnant with another. I would love to meet the other me that has all those things and ask her what her life is like: is it all that I have hoped?
Jo
I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI feel like there's nothing I can say to help...it's just completely 100% not fair and wish it were different for you. So so sorry.
XO
I'm so sorry. I can only imagine what you must be going through. This sucks.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. I know exactly what you mean about due dates passing by with nothing to show, it sucks and hurts.
ReplyDeleteJo..I hear you girl....this past year we have had four losses..and not only do I think oh I could have had a baby then or then but also very key people have gotten pregnant during these losses and now Im seeing all of them have healthy uneventful pregnancies which Im very grateful for but at the same time its makes you think why why do I have to struggle so much and for others its easy....We will never know that answer...but hold your head up and keep trucking:)))))
ReplyDeleteOh time is just not nice, is it? Love you now and when you get to where life isn't so heavy...I know it is right now. Hugs Jo, always...
ReplyDeleteOh Jo, I am so, so sorry. Lots of {{{hugs}}} and know that I am praying hard for you.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine doing this IF thing for another ten years...wow, what a scary thought. Our adoption agency (well, not "ours", but the one whose informational meeting we went to) mentioned that only one of the parents could be over 45 or something like that - so the fact that you're younger will work in your favor if you go that route (I've also seen a lot of the international adoption guidelines read the same)!
ReplyDeleteJo,
ReplyDeleteThe pain of another miscarriage must be unbearable. And your babies were real babies, so you have very reason and right to feel awful and lost. It just isn't fair. I do know this...When you have your baby it is going to be more special than you can even imagine. Well, I don't know that for certain, but in talking to people, they say that a baby after a miscarriage is such an unimaginable gift. It angers me that this has happened to you when I see so many people who have children who don't treat them kindly.
I carry you close to my heart Jo, and I pray that you will have a little miracle coming your way soon, and that somehow, some way, you are able to do another IVF. You respond well to the IVF, so please have hope in that.
I want to thank you for commenting on my blog. You are so special and I can't wait to see you get your miracle.
Jo. . .
ReplyDeleteI wish there was something that I could say or do to ease your pain. Unfortunately, I know that you have to work through it yourself. There will be days that are better and then days that are awful. I do promise you that, over time, there will be more good times than bad, and you will learn how to breathe again.
I am thinking of you and praying for you. Please know you, Mo, and your sweet angels are in my thoughts and prayers.
My contribution to the pity party? 15 month old/39/21/0, and definitely not looking forward to spending Charlie's due date at a family picnic with my 12 nieces and nephews running around. But I've been lucky in that I've had a long time to grieve by now and in that I can still hope for a spontaneous miracle pregnancy, which unfortunately aren't luxuries you've been afforded. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI wish with everything I have that there was something I could say or do to make everything magically better for you. You, Mo, and your babies are on my mind. Big hugs.
"I am a hard worker -- I bust my butt at everything I put my mind to. I've always believed that if you want something bad enough, you can make it happen. But this, this I can't make happen."
ReplyDeleteI think this is the refrain of so many IFers. We've never been failures at anything before. We could win at anything we wanted. And we end up as failures at something that most people don't even realize has a "success" or "failure" component at all - it just HAPPENS.
I'm so sorry you've had to go through so much. I feel the same way, about there being a limit on how many years of this I can take. You've put in so many years already. You deserve a reprieve soon. Praying for you.
Lifting you up in prayer.
ReplyDeleteJust last week I sat in "our room" and red a story to our little angel. It helped me feel like a mom because I am a mom. It just wasn't time for my little one. I know I will be a mom and you will too.