Star Trip (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Data

Having been invited with Captain Picard and my friend Geordi to the set where the pilot for the new television science fiction series 'Star Trip' is being made by the director Steven Spolberg, I now find myself in the series myself.

As Ronnie the robot, who was in the series to get younger citizens to view has accidentally blown up, the makers required an artificial life form at short notice. Mr Spolberg has asked me to replace him.

I am approached by Rick Ruddock, the actor who plays Captain Jack Jupiter of the USS Pegasus in the series. He has a strange habit of looking at himself in a mirror whenever possible.

"Okay!" he says to me somewhat aggressively, "You remember that I'm the star of this show. I've got the best lines. Don't try to get any extra ad libs, or that tin can body will be used as baked bean cans. Catch what I am saying."

"I have no wish to impose on your lines, Mr Ruddock." I reply, "I was just asked as a favour to Mr Spolberg."

"Yeah." he says, "Well don't forget it, and don't try to cramp my style when I get to the kissing sessions with J'Laya, who plays the Princess."

"All right, everybody." Spolberg says, we are going to beam the Princess on board, where she will meet Jack Jupiter...that's you, Rick, and naturally will fall in love with you."

"Of course." says Ruddock.

"ACTION!" shouts Spolberg.

Princess Amala, played by J'Laya appears on the set.



"Welcome to the Pegasus, Princess Amala." Ruddock tells her in his Captain Jupiter role.

"I feel a kind of sense I haven't felt before." she replies.

"That is love." Ruddock tells her.

"What is love?" J'Laya asks.

"It is a biological function. I'll escort you to my cabin and give you a demonstration."

"HOLD ON!" interrupts Captain Picard, "This is clearly in violation of any protocols. No Captain would take advantage of an innocent female alien in this way."

I consider reminding the Captain of the style James T Kirk had, but think it wise not to say anything.

"It's more of what the viewers want, Captain." Spolberg tells the Captain, "Lots of romance, violence, flesh and funny robots."

"I agree with Captain Picard." I say, "It is against present Starfleet policy for a Captain to behave in this manner. Viewers may think this is the normal way things are in the Federation."

"I don't want a tin can telling me how to act with a woman!" Ruddock complains, "Jack Jupiter is there to make all females swoon."

"Well you don't make ME swoon." J'Laya says with a sarcastic laugh, "I only took this job because Spolberg pleaded me to, "That breath of yours needs improving!"

Ruddock looks astonished. He takes a look in his mirror and looks concerned.

"Now see what you've done!" he says to me, "I've got a few hairs out of place. I can't be seen like this!"

He runs off the set in tears.

All the film crew are left on their own, as the actors have wondered off.



Captain Picard and Geordi join me as Spolberg approaches us.

"Now see what you've done!" the director exclaims, "You were only supposed to act as advisors, but now the whole pilot show is ruined! The actors have stormed off and won't work together. Star Trip is in ruins!"

Spolberg walk off in disgust. Captain Piacard turns to me.

"Well, Mr Data." he says, "It looks like your television career is over, and no Data Dolls will be sold. We'd better head back to the Enterprise.

"I find actors very hard to understand, Captain." I tell him, "They seem to think very differently."

"I think you have to have your emotion chip installed, Data." Geordi tells me, "And have the tuning set to extremely high."

Star Trip (Part Two)

Data, Geordi LaForge and I are acting as advisors on the pilot for a tv science fiction series called 'Star Trip'. Directing it is the hopeless Steven Spolberg. Starring as Jack Jupiter, the Captain of the USS Pegasus is the egotistical and vain Rick Ruddock. I have yet to see him not holding a mirror so that he can admire himself.

------------

The three of couse go towards the set, as the first day of shooting is about to commence. We are greeted by a strange sight.



"HEL-LO!" it says.

The robot shakes Data's hand, who looks rather confused by it all.

"I see you've met Ronnie the robot." says Spolberg as he welcomes us to the set, "He's there to get a few laughs from the kids watching. Hopefully we can sell a few Ronnie robots at the shops."

"Are you just concerned at making money and ratings, Spolberg." I ask him.

"Naturally." Spolberg answers, "What else is there, after all?"

"Don't you think it could be insulting to artificial life forms to have them portrayed like this?" asks, Geodi, "After all, my best friend, Data, here, is an android."

"They are all nuts and bolts in the end, gentlemen." Spolberg informs us, "This show will have it all, "A funny robot to keep the kids happy, lots of explosions and gorgeous girls with scantily clad outfits on every week to keep the men happy. Believe me, Star Trip will be the tops."

I sigh, and go to the set, where all the stars are taking their places. Rick Ruddock comes on last, checking his face in the mirror. He seems disappointed that he has to put the mirror away for a short time.

"All right." says Spolberg, "The Pegasus has got to go swiftly to the planet Zarg to rescue the Princess Amala, who is played by J'Laya. ACTION!"

"We've got to get to Zarg!" says Ruddock in his Captain Jupiter role, "Ensign Daktar, take us to Warp Twelve."

"HOLD ON!" says Geordi, "That's just not possible, "No starships can travel to Warp Ten or beyond. Warp Twelve is not possible."

Ruddock sighs, and takes the time to look again in his mirror.



"This is science fiction." Spolberg tells Geordi, "I know you're advisors, but just assume that the Pegasus is EXTRA fast!"

Geordi continues to mumble to himself.

"I know, Mr LaForge." I tell him, "This show is likely to be full of innacuracies. It looks like we'll have to put up with them."

------------

The awful show continues to be made, and we watch with disdain.

"Now we are approaching Zarg." Spolberg tells the cast, "You know what to do, ACTION."

"Some freighters are coming to greet us from Zarg, Captain." says a cast member to Ruddock.

"In that case." replies Ruddock in his tough Jack Jupiter persona, "Destroy them all with bio-cobalt megaton missiles."

"HOLD ON!" I shout, "No Captain would behave like this, "They should hail the freighters and try and reach a peaceful diplomatic accord. We only fire on when they have fired on us."

"Where's the fun in that, Captain Picard?" Spolberg, "The viewers want to see spaceships attacking each other, explosions. They don't want to see a diplomatic solution."

All this will set the Federation back 100 years if the viewers think this is what we do.

"Now we'll go and rescue the Princess." Spolberg announces. Suddenly he is interrupted by a technician coming on to the set.

"Mr Spolberg!" he shouts, "There's been a disaster. Ronnie the robot has blown up! The motor that powers him overheated and he exploded into a thousand pieces!"

"That's a calamity!" exclaims Spolberg, "He was meant to attract the younger people to he show, and we were going to sell millions of Ronnie toys. Now we don't have a funny robot to put in the show."

Suddenly, he turns round and looks at Data.



"Of course!" he says, "Mr Data, you'll be ideal in the show."

"I'm not having Data in you show Mr Spolberg." I insist.

"Please, Captain." Spolberg implores, "Just for this pilot. In future shows, I'll get an actor to play him and tell the viewers Ronnie had had a head transplant or something. We don't have time to find anyone else. We can sell a few Data dolls and give you a cut of the take."

I give in.

"Very well." I say, "Mr Data, you are now a tv star."

To be continued...

Star Trip (Part One)

"We need to maintain accuracy." insisted Admiral Harriman to me on the videophone, "This is why you, Commander Data and LaForge need to visit the tv film set."

"Is it really that important, sir?" I ask, "After all, the Galacta TV company are only making a science fiction tv series. Why should they want us three along as advisors to their pilot programme."

"It's important for Starfleet." Harriman insists, "The viewing public needs to know that care is being taken. We don't want them to think any errors they may see on 'Star Trip' the tv series are what actually happens in real life. You'll be there to put the director right."

I kow there is no way I can get out of this, even though I said that we could have a problem if an alien race invades. He casually replies, saying Riker would be able to sort it out.

--------------

The three of us arrive on the set of 'Star Trip'. Everthing looks disorganised. Suddenly I hear a familiar voice.

"Hey, it's Captain Picard, that engineer with the cool shades and the robot!"

I groan, and turn around.



It's Steven Spolberg, the director who made a mess of filming on the Enterprise last month.

"Are you directing this television series, Mr Spolberg?" I ask, thoughh I know what the answer will be.

"I sure am, Captain." he answers, "We're gonna make a hit show that will shoot to the top of the ratings. Actually, we don't need you, but Starfleet insisted on having you around. What I saw around the Enterprise will get me through."

"We'll see about that." I reply, "What's the series about?"

"It's about a group of people on a starship." replies Spolberg, "Every week, they travel around the galaxy, and save everything from total destruction."

"Sounds familiar." comments Geordi, driely.

"Let's go meet the star of the show." Spolberg says, and takes us to a cabin with a force field around it Spolberg clicks the code.

"Enter!" says a voice.

We all go in and meet the 'star'., who is looking at himself consistantly in a mirror as we speak.



"This is Rick Ruddock." says Spolberg, "He will be playing the Captain of the Pegasus, Jack Jupiter."

"I'm sure you must be thrilled to meet me." Ruddock answers, "However I am not signing any autographs right now. It's imperative that I don't injure my hand."

"I've never heard of him." Geordi whispers in my ear. I indicate quietly that I never have either.
Ruddock goes back to looking in his mirror, and asks Spolberg who his first love interest is.

"It's J'Laya" Spolberg answers. Ruddock seems satisfied.

Spolberg informs us that it is written in Rick Ruddock's contract that he has a different woman to fall in love with every week, and that he has more lines to say than his other colleagues".

"That could cause some friction in the cast of actors." observes Data.

"Who cares?" Ruddock answers, "I'm the star!"

We leave the cabin. I make the point that it unrealistic for a Captain to fall in love with a different woman every week.

"That may be so, Captain." Data reminds me, "However in the 23rd Century, Captain James T Kirk had a different love interest every few days."

"You're right, Data." I reply, "However, we are here to see that this show looks realistic. Shooting starts tomorrow, so let's be ready for it."

To be continued...

TWQ: Theme Park Rides

For this week's TWQ (The Weekend Question), we are going to the theme park! Hope you've paid your entrance money!

You are now in a theme park. Which rides will you go to first, and which ones will you avoid at all costs, and why. Say as many as you wish.

My answers are:

Go to first:

Nowadays it might be the roller coaster, or river raft. When I was a child, it was the ghost train.

Avoid:

Anything that could invoke dizziness. When I was very young, I went in a revolving room, where we sat on a bench and the room around revolved. I was green afterwards and felt really ill.

Now it's over to you...

Ro Laren's Blind Date (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Ro Laren

Ater a string of disasterous blind dates given to me by the Interstellar Love Dating Agency, I have been assured that my next date will be suitable. Somehow I have doubts about that. I started this because I failed to get a date at the Enterprise Valentine Ball.

Sometimes I think I must have a sign on me saying "If you are a loser, please date this woman." I'll have to check to see if it is there.

"Miss Laren." says Felicity on my videophone, "I have put the computer on maximum, entered all your qualities, and I can assure you that you next date will be the perfect match for you."

I am instructed to meet him at the Superdeluxe Starfleet Restaurant, where only the exclusive go. I must admit, this is starting to sound promising. I am wearing the red rose that is attached to my black Rip'offe designer dress.

As I am sitting at my table, one of those annoying Cardassians approaches me.



"Do you mind moving out of the way?" I say irritatingly, "I am waiting for my date and I don't want to be pestered."

"Miss Ro Laren?" he asks, "I am Vorak, your date from the Interstellar Love Dating Agency."

I wince. How can Felicity do this to me?

"Look, Mr Vorak." I say, "I'm a Bajoran, we're supposed to be mortal enemies, not going on a date together."

"It's not easy for me, Miss Loran." Vorak says, "I only just joined the Agency yesterday. We do have a peace treaty now, and..."

I snort with derision.

"I can't be seen here with you." I say, "If the Maquis saw me dating you, I would not get any Christmas cards and my annual Maquis Calendar and diary would be stopped."

"I think we both have problems, Miss Laren." continues Vorak , "We are very isolated in what we do. No one likes me as Cardassian representative here on Earth. I've been to this restaurant before and they keep me waiting for hours."

"I know what you mean." I reply, "Bajorans have always had a hard time."

-------

We have been waiting a while to be served.

"See what I mean?" says Vorak.

I get up, grab a waiter and drag him to our table.

"Right, buster!" I tell him forcibly, "I'll pretend that you couldn't see us sitting here for half an hour. What you will do is take our order. If the first course does not arrive in ten minutes, I shall order Starfleet to close this restaurant for a health-check on your kitchens."

"There is nothing wring with our kitchens!" he says snootily.

"That may be true." I reply, "But it would not look good on the Superdeluxe Starfleet Restaurant record, would it?"

The waiter scuttles off, and we enjoy our drink.

"Do you want to risk being seen with me, Miss Laren?" Vorak says with a smile.

"I think I'll take a chance, Vorak." I tell him with a smile, "And you can call me Ro."

Ro Laren's Blind Date (Part One)

Guest Poster: Ro Laren

Due to my inability to obtain a date last last week's Enterprise Valentine Ball, I have visited the Interstellar Love Dating Agency. Felicity, the lady there tells me that she will send me the name of a date, and we will meet.

-------------

I get a call.

"Lucky you!" says Felicity, "You're going on a date with Brad Bullett! He's agreed to meet you at the Starfleet Mall open air restaurant tonight. Have a copy of the Galactic Gazette with you, and he'll meet you at 19:00 tonight."

I agree, and get ready for my date. It's been a while since I've been on a blind date. The last one was literally one, as he had his guide dog with him.

-------------

A few hours later, I'm sitting in the Mall restaurant, looking at all the passing people, wondering which of them is the one who will meet me. I start looking at the Gazette again.

"Hey!" says a voice, "It looks like I've hit the jackpot here. What a babe!"



I am greeting by a long haired scruff wearing a vest and torn jeans.

"Mr Bullett?" I ask nervously.

"Hey, babe, it's Brad to you." says Brad, "Only my close friends call me that, and we soon will be."

"Sorry?" I asked, slightly puzzled.

"Now, what shall we do, Ro, honey?" Brad asks, "We can eat at the restaurant and then go straight to my place."

"What do you mean?" I reply.

"Ah, I see." Brad says in realisation, "You like to take it easy. Right, we'll go bowling, then to the restaurant, and THEN to my place!"

"I think you've got the wrong idea, Mr Bullett." I tell him.

"Whoah!" Brad says with a filthy laugh, "I see what you mean, Ro. You mean straight to my place. I always like a direct girl."

"Mr Bullett." I say with growing impatience, "I have no intention of spending any time at your place."

"You might be right." Brad says, after some thought, "My wife might catch us. We'd better go to your place."

At this, I pick up the drink on my table and pour it over Brad and walk away.

------------

I get on my phone and complain to Felicity about sending me a married man.

"Sorry about that." she says, "We'll send you another date right away."

Half an hour later, I am due to meet Neville Meek in a coffee bar. I walk in and see a strange figure in a golden suit, holding a bunch of flowers.



"T-these are for y-you, Miss Loren." he says slowly to me, "I'm Neville Meek."

"Hello, Neville" I say to him, accepting the flowers.

"Can we go to the soda shop for a soda?" he asks.

"Sure" I say, "We have quite a while."

"Well, actually we don't." Neville replies, "My mom has ordered me back home within an hour. She also tells me not to kiss you goodnight as I might catch something."

I sigh.

"Neville, I don't think this will work out." I tell him, "I think you ought to stop relying on your mother, though. She might be holding you back."

I kiss Neville goodnight, which sends him into a panic.

-----------

After I leave the shop, I get on the phone to Felicity again.

"Now look." I tell her, "I don't know where you're getting these dates from, but there are clearly not suitable for me. Find someone more to my liking!"

"Very well, Miss Loren." Felicity replies, "We'll find someone ideal for you."

To be continued...

Ro Laren At The Dating Agency

Guest Poster: Ro Laren

After the disaster of the Enterprise Valentine Ball, in which I was the only crew member present, I have decided to do something about it.

I mean, it comes to something when a Borg drone and an android could both get human dates, yet me, a Bajoran, ended up with diddly squat.

As a result, I'm in the Starfleet Mall, making my way to the 'Interstellar Love Dating Agency', where they claim 'we can fix people up with the person of your dreams, no matter how much of a loser you are.'

I think they need to work on their advertising a little more.

As I go through the door, I am greeted by a young woman at a computer keyboard.



"Had a bad Valentine, have you, sweetheart?" she says, "No date to take you anywhere? No matter, we here at Interstellar Love Dating Agency will soon put all that right for you. I'm Felicity. Here is a form for you to fill in."

I fill in all the details, and see that part of it includes a declaration like a personal ad. I write the following:

Bajoran woman in late twenties/early thirties with GSOH seeks man of similar or slightly older age for romance and possible matrimony. As I work in Starfleet, I may be away fighting evil aliens for long periods of time, so membership of said organisation is an advantage, though not necessary. Interests: Bajoran history, Maquis history. Cardassians need not apply.

I hand the completed form to Felicity, who reads it through. She has her fixed smile on until she reads the personal ad section. The it crumbles as if someone has told a secret that involved her.

"Oh dear, Miss Laren." she exclaims, "We can't possibly accept that!"

"Whyever not?" I reply angrily.

"You can't put a comment like Cardassians need not apply. That is discrimatory." Felicity calmly explains.

"Well I was in the Maquis!" I tell them, "We were fighting the Cardassians for years! How can I possibly go with one on a blind date?"

"Don't worry, Miss Laren." Felicity assures me, "There are no Cardassians on our books anyway, so you would not be meeting one."

I give a sigh of relief, and say it is alright to remove the phrase. I can't help feeling that a group of Cardassians will walk in and join as soon as I leave.

"In a few days, we'll send you the name of your first date." Felicity tells me, "Now we suggest that you and your date meet in a public place, so that you feel safe on your first date."

"Don't worry." I tell her, as I walk out of the door, "I'll bring my phaser along."

At this, the colour drains from Felicity's face.

TWQ: TV Comedy Quotes

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) looks into those favourite TV comedy quotes that you love.

Can you list your favourite comedy quotes from tv shows? Put as many as you wish.

My answers are:

"I have NOT got a disease!" Denzil (Only Fools & Horses)
"Don't mention the war." Basil Fawlty (Fawlty Towers)
"I have a cunning plan." Baldrick (Blackadder)
"Don't tell him, Pike." Captain Mainwaring (Dad's Army)
Girl to Rodney: "Do you like grass or astroturf?"
Rodney: "I don't know, I've never smoked astroturf." Rodney (Only Fools & Horses)

Now it's over to you...

Enterprise Valentine Ball

Now that it is February 14th, all the crew are decked out in their best clothes, ready to attend the Enterprise Valentine Ball in the Sands nightclub.

We all approach the entrance, I have my best tuxedo on. I am escorting Beverly as she wears a stunning red dress, together with a rose.



I know she wore this at the Christmas Party, but any man who values their life does not remind the woman they are with of this fact.

Besides that, she looks good in it.

"Looking forward to it, Jean-Luc?" she asks, as she kisses me on the cheek.

"Yes, Bev." I reply, "I hear that Vic Fontaine has quite a romantic musical set for us tonight."

As we enter, I see all the couples are ready, and the music begins with 'We've Only Just Begun'

We've only just begun to live,
White lace and promises
A kiss for luck and we're on our way.
And yes, We've just begun.

Before the rising sun we fly,
So many roads to choose
We start our walking and learn to run.
And yes, We've just begun.

Sharing horizons that are new to us,
Watching the signs along the way,
Talking it over just the two of us,
Working together day to day
Together.

And when the evening comes we smile,
So much of life ahead
We'll find a place where there's room to grow,
And yes, We've just begun.

All the couples are chatting, but I notice that one person is on her own. Ro Laren.

"What's happened to Ro?" I ask Riker.

"She couldn't get a date, Captain." he replies, "Sometimes her abrasive attitude makes her a little unapproachable."

"But every one else has a date." I say, "Data is with Jennifer, Seven has got Reg Barclay with her, although I think she is just about tolerating him. As for T'Pol and Ensign Britney, they are happier dancing with each other. The men run off after approaching them."



"All right, you lovebirds." says Vic, "Here's another slow dance for you."

"Number One." I say, "I'm ordering all the male senior staff to have a turn in dancing with Ro Laren. Pass the word around. I'll start with this dance."

I approch Ro.

"Would you like to dance this one?"



"Sure, Captain." she replies.

We start, although unfortunatately, the song turns out to be 'Won't Somebody Dance With Me?'

And now the band is playing very slow
and once again, I'll get my coat and go
a lonely wallflower waiting by the wall
without the will power to face the music at all

Please, won't somebody dance with me
start up a romance with me
just someone somewhere
someone who dare take a chance with me

I feel so silly in my patent shoes
so many partners but one of them will choose
a lonely wall flower feeling rather tired
feeling undesired

Please, won't somebody dance with me
start up a romance with me
just someone somewhere
someone who dare take a chance with me

May I have the pleasure of this dance?

Doo doo doo doo doo
----

"Get together with your true love, folks." calls out Vic a few hours later, "Time to close the Ball. I need someone for this song to sing a duet with. Ro, come up here."

Surprised, she gets to the stage and they sing "Close To You."

Why do birds suddenly appear
Every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.

Why do stars fall down from the sky
Every time you walk by?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.

On the day that you were born
The angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold
And starlight in your eyes of blue.

That is why all the girls in town
Follow you all around.
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.

On the day that you were born
The angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold
And starlight in your eyes of blue.

That is why all the girls in town
Follow you all around.
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.
Just like me (Just like me)
They long to be
Close to you.

Wahhhhhhhhhhh, close to you.
Wahhhhhhhhhhh, close to you.
Hahhhhhhhhhhh, close to you.
Lahhhhhhhhhhh, close to you.


A happy Ro Laren leaves the stage.

"Thanks, Vic." I say quietly.

"Anytime, Captain."

"Happy Valentine's Day, Jean-Luc." says Bev, and kisses me.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Beverly."

The Alpha Borg Queen (Part Two)

Guest Poster: The Borg Queen

Now that the leader of the entire Borg race, the Alpha Borg Queen has arrived at the Conference, I can see that excitement is beginning to mount.

She has assembled herself in that showy manner. Our leader always insists on making a flashy entrance, just to show that she's the Number One Borg.

Personally, I don't like sucking up to the leader. It's far too demeaning on oneself. It's pathetic to see these minor Queens trying to curry favour with "What can I do for you, your Majesty etc?"

Yuk. Still I have to do it somewhat, otherwise with one sweep of her hand, I could be either in the Borg dole queue or taken apart for a science exam.

The Alpha Borg Queen notices me, and walks over, with her entourage following close behind.



"Greetings, 01." she says politely, "How are activities on your Cube?"

"They are fine, thank you, your Majesty?" I reply meeky, "We managed to assimilate three races last week."

"Well done." she says, and moves on to the Troi Borg Queen, who looks like she is itching to say something.

"And how are you doing, 02?" she asks, "You are the Troi Queen from the other universe?"

"I am, your Majesty." she says sharply, "Our Cube assimilated nine races last week, which is a lot better than the human-loving 01 here, who is going soft!"

The air is suddenly filled with tension. This is not the sort of behaviour that usually happens in front of the Alpha Borg Queen.

"Go on, 02" our leader says.

"01 here." Troi says, as I look with a sneer, "Placed one of her drones, named Seven of Nine on the Enterprise starship instead of assimilating them. She has attended their Christmas parties, used her drones as waiters, piloted their ship, and is even thinking of redecorating her Cube in pastel colours and feng shui two drone designers named One of Two and Two of Two!"

"Indeed!" the Alpha Borg Queen says, but her face reveals no facial change.

"Yes." Troi continues, "I believe the 01 Cube Queen has gone too far in her relationship with humans, and that she is a friend of them. She forgets that the Borg are all conquering, unstoppable. We are Borg, resistance is futile."

"Quite so." our leader says to herself, then turns to me. "01, what do you have to say in reply to Troi's allegations?"

A bead of sweat appears on my brow. That doesn't usually happen.

"We can know our enemy best by researching them, your Majesty." I answer, "By putting my best drone, Seven of Nine on the Enterprise, I am gathering facts, secrets and information that it would be impossible to obtain by simply conquering them. Of corse we will assimilate them eventually, but only when we know all we need to, and their usefullness has ended."

"And the parties?" The Alpha Borg Queen inquires.

"It is all part of learning the habits of the humans. In this case, I decided to experience it myself, rather than wait for Seven's report."

A disgusted "Pah!" comes from the direction of the Troi Queen.

"You will be silent while I talk to 01!" The Alpha Borg Queen says to her. Everybody shivers, as they usually do when addressed firmly by her.

"Why are you designing your Cube in a different way to the standard set-up the the Borg use." she asks.

"Well, your Majesty." I reply, "The drones One One and One Two believe that those in the Cube will work at optimum efficiency if the workplace is more relaxing. A rest area for talking between shifts will also help."

"They are very interesting ideas." the Alpha Borg Queen says to herself, "Send the blueprints and design plans to my office. If I approve them, I may get all Cubes to have them fitted."

"I refuse to have them on my Cube!" the Troi Queen shouts.

"We can easily arrange for you not to have a Cube at all, 02!" our leader snaps back at her, "Is that what you want?"

"No, your Majesty." she replies demurely.

"Then be silent!"

The Alpha Borg Queen starts to walk away, then returns back to me.

"01" she asks, "Do you think you could get me a ticket for the next Enterprise Christmas party?"
"I'm sure that can be arranged, your Majesty." I reply.

"Excellent!" she answers, and walks off.

The Troi Borg Queen is in a sulk, and I'm a happy bunny!

The Alpha Borg Queen (Part One)

Guest Poster: The Borg Queen

This Conference of the Borg Queens is bound to cause a few ructions between the representatives. For one, the Alpha Borg Queen is attending.

When this was announced, it sent a few shivers up the spines of the various Cube representatives, including myself. The Alpha Borg Queen is the head of us all. The entire Borg race is governed by what she says.

Naturally, there are certain ones who are always circling around her, trying to get her favour. These 'Yes-Queens', as I call them, want to be selected for succession by her to the Borg Throne when the Alpha Queen decides to retire and enjoy her index-linked Borg pension.

In contrast, there are also the rebels. These are the ones who stand alone and shout, acting like a loose cannon. An example of this is the Troi Borg Queen of Unimatrix Cube 02. She was in a parallel universe that was dominated by the Borg, but came through to this one.



All right, she might well be the pinup girl amongst the male drones. I know all of mine have a picture of her in their alcoves, but I don't like her. She is too wild. What really bugs me is that as soon as a drone is aware that she is the Queen of Cube 02, they want to request a transfer there!

I'm talking with the others by the Refreshment Area, getting a coffee and donut, chatting to the others and having a laugh about some of the races we have assimilated when I notice that familar silver suit in the corner of my eye. She is looking at me.

Troi strides up to me, as if she is modelling on a catwalk.

"Well, 01." she says in a sneering manner, "Do you think you'll still be in charge of that Cube of yours when the Alpha Queen hears about how soft you've been with the humans? All of them deserve to be eliminated."

"You just don't belong, Troi." I reply icily, "You were never one of us, and never will be. You're an outsider, not a true Borg of this universe."

"I'm more of a Borg then you ever are, were." she answers with rising fury, and in a second, the two of us are scrapping on the floor, tearing at each other. Two other Cube Queens separate us.

"01." says the 09 Queen, "It's no time for that, the Alpha Borg Queen is about to enter."

Troi and I get ourselves in order and march off in different directions to our places in the Hall.

A fanfare of trumpets is heard all around and one the stage we see her coming together.



The Alpha Borg Queen always likes to make a flashy entrance.

I'm a little concerned, though. What will she think of any of the allegations that Troi makes? I'd best be on my guard, otherwise I could get relegated to being some drone's implant.

To be continued....

TWQ: Autobiography Title

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) we look at possible titles for your, and other people's autobiographies.

What title would you give to your autobiography? Be as serious or as funny as you wish. Also, think of some good titles for other people's autobiographies.

My answers are:

"See If You Bother To Read Past Page 2."

"My Ghostwritten Autobiography Published So That I can Make A Lot Of Money Now That I Am A Faded Star By Trashing Other People."

Beverly Crusher: "I Lost My Heart To A Starship Captain" (apologies to Sarah Brightman)

Sherlock Holmes: "An Elementary Life."

Now it's over to you...

T'Pol & Britney In The Mirror Universe (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Ensign Britney

Boy, my soulsistah T'Pol and I have made a mistake big time! I haven't been this sad since the Enterprise replicator failed to issue my favourite brand of chewing gum.

When T'Pol and I saw there was a spatial rift that led to the mirror universe, which is where she comes from, and is the home of the Terran Empire, she grabbed a shuttlecraft and hightailed it out before Captain Picard could say anything. Naturally, as her friend, I came along. I'm always getting locked in the brig as we Deltans like free expression.

We got a surprise when we found out that T'Pol is a wanted fugitive, due to a two hundred year Order given by Empress Sato. We are both going to be executed.

And that really spoiled my day. The brig menu at the Enterprise I escaped from would be having fish and chips tonight.

----------------

T'Pol and I are handcuffed, and are about to be taken to the execution chamber.



A smiling Captain Picard looks at us.

"This is a great day for the Empire." he gloats, then turns to Riker, "Make sure you inform the Emperor of who we have, and that the traitor T'Pol has been executed. I'll get a promotion for sure."

"...And then I can be Captain without trying to kill you." answers the one-eyed Riker.

"Don't be too sure." Picard snarls, "A new Captain would need to have my recommendation. Someone who tries to kill me and left me with a scar doesn't have a good CV."

Then the two of us are taken by two hefty security guards. T'Pol asks if it will all be painful.

"Oh yes." replies a guard with a sadistic laugh, "We make them as painful as possible. After all, the Terran Empire has a reputation to uphold."

Suddenly as we approach a corner, one of the guards is dazed as someone lashes out at him with a green stick.

It's Syra, the Orion Slave Girl. She swiftly unfastens the handcuffs, throws me a stick and we hit at the other guards. I whack him with the stick, and get him rolling on the floor when I kick him with my extra-heavy Dr Martens boots.



I high five T'Pol in congratulations.

"Way to go, sistah!!" we both say, then do the same with Syra.

"Why are you helping us?" T'Pol asks, I thought you were one of the Captain's Women?"

"Crusher is the Captain's main Woman." she answers, "I am there for him when they argue or he tires of her. What Picard is unaware of is that I am a spy for an anti-Terran Empire faction, and am working undercover. If you and your friend escape, it may destabilise the Leadership when they find the top fugitive has managed to get away."

Let's go, honey!" T'Pol urges to me.

"Good luck." Syra calls out.

We find the shuttlecraft and manage to release the bay doors. As it starts to leave, we see the lights flashing.

"They know we've escaped, sistah!" I exclaim.

The shuttlecraft speeds out. We see the rift is still there, but a lot smaller. With a boost of power, we approach, noticing that the ISS Enterprise is following, trying to retrieve us with it's tractor beam.

"We'll find you sometime, traitor!" shouts an angry Picard on an audio signal. I switch it off.

"The rift is too small for them to get through." T'Pol tells me, "We'll just make it!"

We flash through the rift, and a few moments later, it has closed. Ahead of us is the familar shape of the USS Enterprise.

"Well I guess we're both for the high jump now, T'Pol."

-----------

".....Desertion is a major offence." Captain Picard is telling us in his office, "We ought to throw the book at you both. I think you've both learnt that the grass is not greener on the other side, and that the Terran Empire of today is not suitable for you."

"It was two hundred years ago, though." starts T'Pol, but wisely decides not to say anymore.

"Well, you'll both have plenty of time to chat together over your exploits in the brig." sighs Picard.

"Are we still having fish and chips on the brig menu, Captain?" I ask.

"Yes." he answers with a puzzled look.

"Great!" I answer, "Lead the way. The chips are delicious there. Crisp and crunchy!"

T'Pol & Britney In The Mirror Universe (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Mirror T'Pol

At last! After all these months of waiting, I've made it back into the universe where I came from!
A spatial rift opened up in front of the Enterprise, so I escaped in a shuttlecraft, and have taken my best friend Ensign Britney along with me. She wanted to come as she felt hard done by in the universe she came from.

Besides, we're friends!

-----------

"We've made it, sistah!" exclaims Britney, looking at the controls, "Sensors show we are now in the other universe."

"The Terran Empire!" I say triumphantly.

"Hold on." she says, "It looks like the Enterprise is up ahead. I thought we had escaped."

"Take a closer look, Britney." I instruct her, and we see the Terran Empire symbol of a dagger through the world, and the name ISS Enterprise.

"Home!" I say to myself.

A tractor beam draws our shuttlecraft in. After we touchdown in the landing bay, the two os us disembark and I tell them who we are.

"The Captain is going to be VERY interested in seeing you!" says a scarred Chief O'Brien.

"I don't think he got that scar shaving." whispers Britney, as we walk through the corridors.

------

A few moments later, we are taken to the Bridge, and Captain Picard turns round. He looks very different, with a long savage scar on his cheek. Riker is next to the Captain. The Commander has only one eye.



An Orion Slave Girl, who had been kissing the Captain, gets up and looks at us.

"You can leave now, Syra" Picard orders. She gets up off his lap in a sudden huff.

Syra marches out, with an insolent stare at both me and Britney, as if we are the lowest form of life.

"Greetings, Captain Picard." I announce, "I am Lieutenant Commander T'Pol of the 22nd Century starship ISS Enterprise. This is my friend Ensign Britney. We are seeking asylum on your vessel."

"Oh you are, are you?" Picard laughs, as does Riker and the rest of the Bridge crew.

Deanna Troi and Beverly Crusher walk on the Bridge. Crusher sits on the lap of Picard, and Troi on the lap of Riker. Both couples kiss as I tell them my story of how I was frozen for two hundred years and woken up in the other universe.

"How did you lose your eye, Commander Riker?" asks Britney.

"I'll answer that." Picard interrupts, "Riker tried to kill me so that he could become Captain. I got this cheek scar, and he lost an eye. I said to him that if he tried anything like that again, he knows what would happen."

"Scary." whispers Britney.

"Nonetheless." Picard declares, "This is a great day for the Terran Empire. The most sought-after fugitive in our history has finally been captured."

"Who's that?" I ask.

"You!" Picard laughs, "Ever since you escaped during the mutiny you staged with Commander Archer, Empress Sato made it a law that the rebel T'Pol would be hunted down. And now, after two hundred years, we have finally caught you."

I can't believe it.

"EMPRESS Sato!" I say in amazement, "But Hoshi Sato was just a lowly Officer. How could she get to such a position?"

I look on the wall and see her portrait, with the lettering 'Sato the Supreme' written underneath.



"She poisoned Archer, the traitor you collaborated with, and took control of the Defiant" Picard tells us, "She declared herself Empress. When the Empire agreed, she ruled, and became our greatest ever Leader, speading our control over much of the Alpha Quadrant. Her first Order was the capture of you, and has stood for all time."

Things are looking grim.

"Look, Captain." I say, "Can't we just forgive and forget. Tell you what, Just let us get to the shuttlecraft and we'll leave. Forget you ever saw us."

"Yeah, Captain." Britney pleads, "We never did you any harm. That rift won't last much longer."

"Take them both to the execution chamber!" orders Picard, "I shall be along shortly to witness this great event."

"What about me?" wails Britney, "I just came along with my friend!"

"Any friend of the traitor T'Pol is her accomplice!" Picard answers, "Take them away!"

All of a sudden, my desire to remain in the Terran Empire is fading fast, as are our chances of survival.

To be continued...

T'Pol & Britney In The Mirror Universe (Part One)

"Turbulence in the spatial balance, Captain." Data reports in that overly-scientific jargon of his.

"What does that mean in English, Data?" I ask him, "Even the Universal Translator can't get around that one."

"There is a rift between this dimension and another coming up, sir." he clarifies.

I think it might be wise to turn 180 degrees round and go at Warp Nine in the opposite direction. We have enough trouble with rifts . Why do they always turn up where we go? Can't they appear about an hour after we have left or something like that.

"We could send a probe to check it out, Captain." chips in Riker. I reluctantly agree, although the action will keep us around here.

"All right, Number One." I sigh, "Send it quickly, so we can get out of here."

"We are explorers, Captain." Deanna says calmly, "Who knows what we might find?"

"That's true." I reply, but we don't want to be dead explorers."

Shortly the probe is sent, and the results come back. Data reads out the details.

"The signature of the universe show that it is identical to that of Lieutenant Commander T'Pol" he informs us.

"So it's the home of the notorious Terran Empire." Riker exclaims, "The Federation have had so much trouble in previous crossovers."

"That is true, Number One." I say, "Don't let T'Pol know of this opening or she will..."

"Too late!" I hear a voice from behind.



I groan. It looks like T'Pol has been listening, and has heard everything that has been going on. She should have the post of Official Eavesdropper for the ship.

"I demand to be able to go to my own universe!" she barks, "It is my natural home and you are keeping me here against my will."

"It's too dangerous, T'Pol." I warn her, "The Federation has visited the Terran Empire, and it's a very violent place. If you go in there, the rift may close up, and you would be unable to get back."
"I would not wish to come back!" she shouts, "Let me go!"

There don't seem to be any winners here, like a fixed roulette table. Reluctantly, I have to get Security to confine her to quarters.

"Perhaps we should let her go." advises Deanna.

"I thought of doing it." I reply, "But she is over two hundred years out of her time. What would be their reaction to her? They may see her as an escaped criminal. I'm trying to protect her."

Sensors inform us a shuttlecraft has left; at the same time I hear that T'Pol managed to knock the guards unconsious and escaped in the small ship with another woman.

No prizes for guessing who that other woman is. That Deltan, Ensign Britney is always trouble. Why can't we get better guards? They are as bad as those redshirts that Kirk used to have.

I get a transmission from the shuttlecraft.

"Don't try to follow us, Captain!" T'Pol calls out, "Britney and I are escaping to a better life in the Terran Empire."



"Yeah." adds Ensign Britney, while getting out some more chewing gum, "I figured that I go where my sistah goes. After all, all I do is stay in the brig on the Enterprise. It's gonna be a blast in the Terran Empire!"

With that, the transmission is cut, and the small ship disappears into the rift, vanishing from sight in a flash of light.

"What do we do now?" Riker asks, "Do we follow them?"

"No, Number One." I answer, "I did everything I could to stop them. They must see for themselves what life is really like in the Terran Empire. I think they will find it is not as welcoming as they imagine. We'll stop a distance away from the rift for a while. Once it closes, though, they will be trapped for good."

To be continued...

------------------

Author's Note:

Across The Universe Day 4th February

NASA is beaming The Beatles' 'Across The Universe' to the Star Polaris 431 light years away. "NASA has invited people around the world to play “Across the Universe” on their audio systems at the same time NASA beams its mp3 version into outer space. The idea was hatched by Beatles’ historian Martin Lewis, who encourages all Beatles fans to play the track as it is being beamed to the distant star. Additionally, this date will be known as “Across the Universe Day”. The event marks the first time a radio song has been beamed into deep space."


Go to here for more details on how to play two versions. Thank you Nina for telling me. You are all invited to join in!

TWQ: Inflated Job Titles

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) looks at the over-inflated job titles that are given to menial jobs nowadays

Can you make up some inflated job titles and give what they really are?

My answers are:

Workplace Refreshment Co-ordinator - Tea Lady

News Distributor - Paperboy/girl

Building Projects Constructor - Bricklayer

Waste Management Removal Manager - Garbageman

Now it's over to you....