The Disco Engineer

Trisha Lewis has told me about a competition on the Planet Travolta.

There, a competition is being held to find the best DJ in the Quadrant.

"Geordi, honey, I just know you can win that one" says Trisha, "You have such a groovy way of delivering records."

She's right; in my holodeck free time, I get my 20th Century disco programs out and there, man, I rule the kingdom. I spin those discs like there's no tomorrow.

Trisha and I head out in a shuttle to Planet Travolta. It's known as the top disco place in the Quadrant, where everybody comes to dance; there are no clocks or windows, so the music never ends.

I've entered myself into the event. Naturally, us DJs have to have a snappy name. 'Geordi La Forge' just doesn't sound a winning moniker.

So we've thought a while and come up with 'The Disco Engineer' Yeah, the DJ who will keep everybody's motor running while the music keeps on going!

Well, we like it anyway.

We arrive at the door; I am wearing a glittery all-white outfit with wide flares and platform shoes; I have a trendy shaped visor all gold coloured, and am wearing a long-haired wig.

"Which of you is the DJ?" asks the doorman.

"I am!" I annoyingly tell him, "You're looking at the Disco Engineer!"

He stares at me from top to to, then laughs.

"If you say so. Go in the Competitor's Entrance; Miss, you go into the Audience section"

"Good luck Geordi-baby!" she shouts, and blows me a kiss.

Inside, the audience are dancing away; in the rules a DJ has the chance to introduce one song, and play it, and is judged while it is still playing.

The MC introduces the next one.

"Now the next DJ is Ice Hammer.."

A guy with a dark black outfit and black glasses walks on; the trouble is, it is so dark, he walks further on and falls off the stage; he is carried off without a song being played.

"Erm...now" continues the MC, "We have Lady Music."

Lady Music comes on to the stage; she has a very skimpy outfit on, with a plunging neckline. She already gets plenty of cheers from the male members of the audience.

"Hello everybody" she says, in a deep seductive voice, "I want to entertain you for a few minutes. Let's dance the night away with this music.

She puts on a slow disco record and blows kisses into the microphone.

Lady Music is good; I think I'd vote for her myself!

Afterward, the MC comes up to the stage to introduce the next DJ...me!

"Now, the next competitor is The Disco Engineer,"

I slowly walk on to the stage, careful not to fall over in my platform shoes; the room has suddenly lit up with the glare from my suit. Trisha is dancing in the audience, cheering me on and giving me a wave.

"He there, cats, " I start with, "I've got a real groovy sound to get you in the mood for lurvvve, here to get you into Disco City Arizona is Barry White with Your The First, My Last, My Everything...take it away, Barry baby yeah...."

We got it together, didn't we?
Nobody but you and me.
We got it together, baby.

My first, my last, my everything,
And the answer to all my dreams.
You're my sun, my moon, my guiding star.
My kind of wonderful, that's what you are.

I know there's only, only one like you
There's no way they could have made two.
You're, you're all I'm living for
Your love I'll keep for evermore.
You're the first, my last, my everything.

In you I've found so many things,
A love so new, only you could bring.
Can't you see if you,
You'll make me feel this way,
You're like a first morning dew on a brand new day.

I see so many ways that I can love you,
'Till the day I die....
You're my reality, yet I'm lost in a dream.
You're my first, my last, my everything.

I know there's only one, only one like you
There's no way they could have made two.
Girl, you're my reality.
But I'm lost in a dream,
You're the first, you're the last, my everything.

All the time, I am grooving arounf the stage, my suit lighting up the room.

After all the competitors have gone, I find that I am in last place, even below Ice Hammer, who fell off the stage.

"Why's that?" I ask the MC

"They couldn't see you" he answers, "The light from your suit was so dazzling, they had to avert their eyes, and couldn't concentrate on evaluating your performance. I suggest that next time you come in a darker suit."

As Lady Music walks off with her Winner's Cup, she says, "Too bad, darling!" with a sarcastic tone. Trisha hears her and tells her a few unladylike comments.

Good for you, Trisha!

The Cleaners

Today, as the Enterprise is looking a little untidy, we've had to get the cleaners in to smarten it up.

I'm not surprised. If only there were more wastebins around, sweet wrappers wouldn't be cast around the corridors.

Chocolate wrappers seem to be all over the place; I'm suspicious of Deanna on that one.

Anyway, we go to Transporter Room 2 to welcome the cleaners.

Three middle aged women beam aboard. They each have an old vacuum cleaner, their hair is wrapped in a scarf, they have a dirty pinafore over each of their dresses and each are smoking a cigarette that is hanging limply from their mouths.

The lady at the front approaches me.

"Hello dearie, where would you like us to start?" she says, before coughing.

"Smoking is not permitted on the Enterprise!" declares Worf in his best Security Officer-type tone.

"Ah, put a sock in it!" says one of the other cleaners as the trio march out of the Transporter Room.

Data is looking confused. I know he's going to ask a question.

"Captain," he asks, "What does a sock have to do with smoking on the Enterprise?"

"Err, ask Geordi, Data."

We go outside and find the cleaners looking around, shaking their heads and talking to each other. All are coughing away at some point.

"Look at the sight in here!" one says to the others, "They just can't keep a decent place tidy, can they?"

The head cleaner turns back to me.

"Where's the powerpoint?" she inquires.

"The Warp Core is in Engineering." I tell her.

She rolls her eyes, has a retching cough.

"No, dearie!" she irritatingly says, "The powerpoint where we can plug in the vacuum cleaners so that we can clean this filthy starship."

"We don't have any." mentions Geordi, "As the ship is meant to be self-cleaning. That function has been inoperative for some time."

"Can't you repair it, dearie?"

"Err, well, we've never had the instructions for that; we never thought it would go wrong."

"All right, dearies." says the Head Cleaner, "The vacuum cleaners can run on batteries, so we'll get this mess sorted out."

We leave them to clean the ship up. The sound of retching coughs can be heard in the distance.

Later, we are all On The Bridge.

"Ship approching" declares Data, "Weapons primed for the Enterprise."

"Shields up!" Riker announces. He likes to be the one to say that.

The hostile ship lauches a missile.

"Shields at 80%" declares Worf.

"Aim for the weapons system" I say in my authoritarian voice. Everything is going as it usually does in these situations. We'll soon have it all under control.

Suddenly the sound of vacuum cleaners fill the air.

The cleaning ladies walk on to the Bridge and start polishing and using their cleaners.

"Look how filthy this place is!" one says to the other. They continue to clean away.

"This is not the time!" I say to them, but they fail to hear me because of the noise/

"I SAID THIS IS NOT THE TIME. PEASE LEAVE!" I shout at them as loud as I can before my voice croaks.

They look at me in puzzlement, then at each other.

"All right, dearie," the Head Cleaner says, "Leave the place in a mess if you like. We don't like being shouted at. We'll take our leave of you. Come, ladies. I've heard Deep Space Nine is a shambles right now."

The three all heave a retching cough and depart.

TWQ: The Unfinished Novel

This week, we look at books that are hard to read.

Is there any book you simply could not finish? What was it about it that made you give up?

My answer is:

I had a tough time with Herman Mellville's Moby Dick. Perhaps it was because I read it in conjunction with the hidden meanings, which spoilt the flow. I do like a challenge in reading, and have still to finish Marcel Proust's Remembrance Of Things Past (also known as In Search Of Lost Time). I will return to it in the future.

Now it's over to you...

Fzambian Etiquette

Today, we are meeting a newly discovered race, named the Fzambi.

There are very strict on protocol and the correct etiquette, so Deanna has been coaching us all on the correct procedure. It is now my turn.

"Good evening, Ambassador" I practise, and offer my hand to shake.

Deanna looks alarmed.

"No Captain!" she says in panic, "That means you don't like him and want to spread your body germs on to him. It is a Supreme Insult."

"So what do I do?"

"You bend on your knees and say, "You are a Supreme Leader"

"That's a little extreme," I comment, "What will he do in reply."

"He will spit on you and say, "Wretch!"

"Is this meant to be diplomacy, Deanna?" I say to her, "The Fzambi sound like dictators; do we really want them in the Federation?"

"They DO have a lot a Diluthium" she points out.

I groan.

"Let's move to the formal banquet" I say, "What will happen there?"

"The food will all be laid out for the Fzambian Ambassador and his guests," continues Deanna, "You and he will compliment each other. He will say "Disgusting!" and throw the drink on the floor. That means he likes it. When the main course comes round, he will throw his on the floor and tread in it. That is a great honour for you Captain."

"Really?" I say speculatively. I'm beginning to think the Fzambi are distant cousins of the Klingons.

"What about later?" I continue.

"In the formal concert" says Deanna, "The Fzambians will chatter away above the music and ignore it. Don't get offended at this. It means they like the sound and don't want it to stop."

"All right" I tell her, "I think I've got everything."

-------

Later that evening, I walk to SickBay with Deanna; I have a black eye, and have been punched in the stomach. My leg is also very sore.

"Captain" she says sadly, "I thought we went over that; DON'T shake a Fzambian by the hand!"

Field Trip

The class are going on a Field Trip to the Jupiter Station.

All the others are excited, but I tell them it's just a walk round the block, as I have been Acting Ensign on the Enterprise and have been to further places than that.

For some reason, everybody groans, and Commander Parrish, our lecturer rolls his eyes. He has a strange habit of doing that whenever I speak.

I wonder why?

As our shuttle enters the port, I give Cadet Marlena Yates a squeeze round her hip with my arm. She looks at me as if I have Laragan Fever. Then she turns to her keft and gives my ex-best pal Cadet George Tsami a kiss. He winks at me.

Thanks for your friendship, George.

When we walk on the Station, I remark to Cammander Parrish to that the Jupiter Station is in bad condition, and it may need repairing.

He rolls his eyes and mumbles, "Not again!"

We all go to meet Doctor Lewis Zimmerman, who is based at the Station; he is the creator of the holographic doctor program.

"Oh no!" Zimmerman says to himself, "More Starfleet Academy pests come to bother me! No wonder I can never get any research done!"

"Dr Zimmerman," says Commander Parrish, "These are the future of Starfleet, so it's important that they see what we are creating for them."

He turns rounds and looks at us all.

"In that case, looking at these, we might as well give up right know."

"I've studied your holographic doctor program," I remark to him, "I think with correct program overhaul in the bineural circuitry and expand the gigaquadic functions and useage."

Commander Parrish winces.

"Even worse that an idiot Cadet," groans Dr Zimmerman, "A know-all brat who can do anything."

"I have been on the Enterprise, Doctor!" I protest.

"Good for you!" he replies, "So had the people with spanners who put it together!"

I take a look at a couple of buttons and press them when nobody is looking. I'm sure it won't do any harm.

"Err Doctor," says Commander Parrish, "Why don't you tell us what you're doing right now?"

"What I'm doing, " replies Dr Zimmerman, "Is making the preliminary tests for the Mark Two EMH. It will have advanced features, making the Mark One Doctor a thing of the past."

He triumphantly smiles and pulls the switch. All sorts of lights flash.

Gee, whizz, those flashing lights don't look very scientific. Dr Zimmerman starts to look very worried, ans suggests we might want to evacuate.

As everyone panics, I press those two buttons again and all the lights stop flashing."

"He's saved Jupiter Station!" says an amazed Dr Zimmerman.

"Yes," replies, Commander Parrish,with a slight sarcastic tone, "Wesley has a habit of saving the places he is in."

Gee whizz, I guess I'm just lucky.

Tyrellian Flu

I'm confined to SickBay at the moment with Tyrellian Flu, so Riker is running the Enterprise while I suffer.

Normally I would welcome the chance to spending a few day's in Beverly's company, but she had to go to a conference, so I am being looked after by the holographic doctor, whose approach with patients leave a lot to be desired.

He marches up to me.

"Time for your latest flu jab!" he barks out gleefully.

The jabs for Tyrellian Flu are different from the usual hyposprays that we have, and are very painful.

The Doctor rams the needle sharply in my arm.

"Aaaaggghhhhh!!!" I scream out, reeling in agony.

"Oh, don't be such a baby!" says the Doctor in disgust, "You're supposed to be a Captain, not a snivelling wretch of a patient!"

The red mark on my arm is three inches wide and I can still feel the agonising effect.

"What about giving a pre-shot anaesthetic, Doctor?" I suggest.

"Oh, you don't want to bother with that; you organics are all the same, whine, whine, whine about a little pain. You've only got to have six shots a day, then you'll be fine."

I lie back in despair; I'll be one red mark before long.

Suddenly the Enterprise starts to shake; I hear the sound of photon torpedoes and phaser fire. It seems like the ship is under attack.

I get through to Riker.

"Number One, what's going on out there?"

"Errr....can't talk right now," Riker hurriedly says, "We have a minor problem up here."

I hear lots of screams and noises. Something isn't good.

Riker calls back.

"Captain, a member of the deadly Blargh race has beamed on board and he is coming to kill you. He is walking through the force fields and is immune to the phaser fire. no one can stop him."

"What deadly weapon do we have here in the SickBay?" asks the Doctor, "He will surely kill you."

"I can think of one thing." I say, as I stagger up from my bed, "Get the flu shot."

The Doctor hands me the shot, and I get ready as the screams outside get louder.

The door suddenly opens, and the Blargh walks through, carring an array of guns. He smiles with an evil grin. He looks like he's won First Prize in the Ugly Contest.

"I have come to kill you, Capain Picard"

I throw the Tyrellian Fle syringe, which enters his chest. The Blargh screams out in agony as he grips the point. The mark grows and covers his entire body in redness before he drops dead.

Riker and the others follow in, looking amazed.

"Well done, Captain" he says, "We won't be hearing from him again."

"He won't be getting Tyrellian flu, either, Number One!"

TWQ: Great Inventions

This weekm we look at the world of inventions:

What wacky inventions would you like to create? Let your imaginations run riot here!

Here are some of my answers:

The Politician Truth Meter: The meter shoots up whenever a politician is lying. Needs to be a strong model as it may suffer from repeated use.

The Sports Commentator Anti-Trivia Silencer: Eliminates all useless drivel mentioned by a sports commentator.

The Anti-Salesman Forcefield: Keeps all salesmen well away from the shopper while looking around.

Now it's over to you...

But before I go...

Don't forget, that if you want to join my Federation Frappr Map, do so by clicking the map on the right side of my Journal. I'd love to have you there!

Deanna Versus Jadzia

All seems well with the world for now.

As Jadzia Dax is on temporary reassignment here on the Enterprise, Worf and Riker are now friends again. There are no more threats like , "I'll get you when my shift ends!"

The only problem is with Deanna.

Her assignations with Worf when Riker is not around have now ended. She has tried to sneak in when Jadzia is not around, but both Riker and Jadzia have been too alert to let her get away with it.

Jadzia, who is now part of Security, walks around with Worf holding hands constantly. I see them pass Deanna and she sticks a tongue out at the Counselor.

Sigh. Another fight starts between the two of them. They tussle again at their hair and punches are exchanged along with screams. Officers come and separate the two after getting hit by stray punches as well.

The two of them are both in my office.

"Deanna and Jadzia," I wearily say to them, "I am getting tired of the petty rivalry between the two of you. If Jadzia is going to stay on the Enterprise, I want the two of you to be friends."

The two of them look at each other with bitter anger.

"I can see this isn't going to be settled easily" I say, "How about a competition?"

"One in which I can beat Troi to a pulp?" beams Jadzia.

"No, Jadzia" I groan, "I mean one in the holodeck in which the two of you can compete against each other."

"...And the winner gets Worf?" asks Deanna.

"I'll win easily!" shouts Jadzia, "You are history, Troi!"

The two look at each other grimly, but withhold from fighting; thank goodness there is an end in sight to all this.

------------------------

We're in Holodeck One. In the first of three tests, we have a holographic mountain that the two ladies have to climb. First to the top wins.

The staff all see the women start the climb; Jadzia starts easily, but an attempt to get there quicky makes her fall a few feet. Deanna catches up and is about to overtake her. Jadzia then uses the Counselor's shoulder to leap up higher and get to the top first.

"Cheat! Cheat!" shouts Deanna, "She used my shoulder to get to the top!"

"All the rules say is that the first to the top is judged the winner, Troi" laughs Jadzia, "And that's me!"

-------------------------

Test two is about to begin. A game of Kadiscot takes place in Ten Forward. Both women are good players, and the game is evenly matched. Deanna glances at Data who blinks at her. She then produces then winning move.

"Kadiscot!" Deanna trumphantly declares.

"Cheat! Cheat!" shouts Jadzia, "Data was giving her help in the game!"

"The rules say is the first to declare "Kadiscot" is judged the winner, Dax" laughs Deanna, "And that's me!"

I think I'm getting a headache again. I wonder if Beverly has got some stress pills?

------------------------------

The third and deciding test is about to begin.

We are back in the holodeck; both women are dressed like Lara Croft; they have phaser rifles and disrupters.

"For this final test," "I tell them, all sorts of alien enemies will be coming at the two of in the caves created by the holodeck. Your job is to kill as many hostile aliens as possible in the 15 minutes you have."

As we watch, the scoreboard on the top illustrates how well the women are doing. Borg, Romulan Xindi and all other hostile forces are rapidly despatched by both Deanna and Jadzia as their guns blaze away at them. There are just a few seconds to go; the women are in the cave together, and the score is 76 each. Suddenly, a hostile Klingon comes round with a bat'leth. Deanna is frozen; she must be thinking of Worf. Jadzia, however, wastes no time and obliterates the Klingon. She wins 77 to 76.

"I've won! I won!" yells Jadzia, "Hasta La Vista, Troi!"

"Unfair!" shouts Deanna, "I couldn't have killed a Klingon."

"Sorry, Counselor." I say, "Jadzia has won, and she will be able to stay with Worf from now on. Don't forget, you still have Commander Rik...."

Deanna storms off with an angry look.

Jadzia comes up and kisses Worf.

"I'm glad we've settled that, Worfie, darling."

I wish I could be as sure; there's nothing so tricky as an enraged Betazoid.

The St Valentine's Day Dance

Ten Forward is all ready for the annual Enterprise Valentine's Day Dance.

Let's hope we get through the event without a fight.

Worf and Riker still aren't speaking to each other, which can make for a tricky problem if we have an alien invasion. Riker asked Worf how many photon torpedoes we have, and he replied, "I'm not telling you!"

I've had to discipline them both, but no end seems in sight yet.

Valentine's Day has been good so far; I've had a book of romantic poetry, and Beverly has liked the white roses. More than that, we both liked the kisses we had as thanks.

The dance is about to start. Larry Love and The Love Machine, the Valentine's band are ready to play their firstt song.

I am with Beverly, who is in a gorgeous long black dress, Geordi is with Trisha Lewis; she is wearing a short white dress with plunging neckline. Data is with Jennifer Baxter who is in a skimpy white dress. Riker is tightly holding on to Deanna, who is wearing a yellow dress. He is not letting her go anywhere.

Worf is looking irritated as Deanna looks back at him.

The band start to play 'I Lost My Heart To A Starship Trooper'..

---------------

Arcaida X-ray X-ray delta niner niner zero
This is Starfleet control
You are clear to go hyper space
Acknowledge

Affirmative, star com
We have situation gold

Niner niner zero, roger
You're looking good for trans-light

I lost my heart to a starship trooper
I lost my heart to a starship trooper
Oh...

Hey, Captain Strange
Won't you be my lover
You're the best thing
That I've ever discovered
Flash Gordon's left me
He's gone to the stars
An evil Darth Vader
Has me banished to Mars

Tell me, Captain Strange
Do you feel my devoition
Or are you like a droid
Devoid of emotion
Encounters one and two
Are not enough for me
What my body needs
Is close encounter three

I lost my heart to a starship trooper
Flashing light in hyper space
Fighting for the Federation
Hand in hand we'll conquor space

Listen, Captain Strange
What's our destination
The scanners seem to
Indicate a small devation
Static on the comm
It's Starfleet Command
Requesting your position
It's their final demand

You're intentions are known
They've found out at least
So if you're gonna take me
Please make it fast
Touch me
Feel me
Do what you will
I want to feel
That galactic thrill

I lost my heart to a starship trooper
Flashing light in hyper space
Fighting for the Federation
Hand in hand we'll conquor space

Niner niner zero
This is Star Comm
We got a problem
On your vector
Request status check
Over

Oh, baby...

Arcadia
This is strategy control
You have course devation
At five mark six
Acknowledge

I love you...

Arcaida
We show condition red
Confirm

Love me...

What's going on out there

Oh...
I lost my heart to a starship trooper
Flashing light in hyper space
Fighting for the Federation
Hand in hand we'll conquor space
I lost my heart to a starship trooper
Oh...

Space suit is lying
On control room
Pulse rate increasing
As the heat factor soars
Take me
Make me
Feel the force
Ignore the computers
We're locked on course

I lost my heart to a starship trooper
Flashing light in hyper space
Fighting for the Federation
Hand in hand we'll conquor space

I lost my heart to a starship trooper
Flashing light in hyper space
Fighting for the Federation
Hand in hand we'll conquor space

Niner niner zereo
This is Star Comm
Be advised you
Have serious
???
I repeat,
Serious ????

Arcadia
Niner niner zero Do you copy
This is Starfleet Control

------------------

As we all dance around, Riker is keeping a close grip on Deanna. Worf tries to cut in, but Riker makes sure it doesn't happen.

"What are we going to do about it, Jean-Luc?" asks Beverly, "Things could get difficult."

"I have an idea, Beverly," I reply, "I've sent a message out. Only one person can solve this."

Suddenly a female voice comes from the entrance.

"Hello, Worf, good to see you again."

"Hello Jadzia." he replies, "What a surprise to see you."

I walk up to Jadzia.

"I think we need you here at the moment, Lieutenant" I say to her, "Mr Worf is a little lonely. Will you be able to take care of him?"

"With great pleasure" she says, and runs over, grabs him, and within seconds, the two are dancing and kissing at the same time.

Deanna, meanwhile, is fuming, but can do nothing about it, as she and Riker are still dancing. He has a sly smile at the same time.

"Well done, Jean-Luc" whispers Beverly, as we kiss and dance slowly together as the band play 'The Look Of Love':

------------------------

The look of love is in your eyes
The look your heart can't disguise
The look of love is saying so much more
Than just words could ever say
And what my heart has heard
Well, it takes my breath away

I can hardly wait to hold you
Feel my arms around you
How long I have waited
Waited just to love you
Now that I have found you.

You've got the look of love
It's on your face
A look that time can't erase
Be mine tonight
Let this be just the start
Of so many nights like this
Let's take a lover's vow
and then seal it with a kiss

I can hardly wait to hold you
Feel my arms around you
How long I have waited
Waited just to love you
Now that I have found you
Don't ever go

I can hardly wait to hold you
Feel my arms around you
How long I have waited
Waited just to love you
Now that I have found you
Don't ever go
Don't ever go
I love you so

--------------------------

I kiss Beverly. Riker kisses Deanna, Jennifer kisses Data, Trisha kisses Geordi, Worf kisses Jadzia.

It's a great Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day, everybody!

No Average Girl has tagged me to answer below:

5 songs I know all the words to:

American Pie

Hey Jude

Life On Mars

Space Oddity

See My Baby Jive

5 things with a million dollars

Spend it

Invest it

Open a business

Is there anything else?

5 places I'd run away to:

Cannes

Sorrento

Paris

London

Places in the USA

5 Things I'd never wear:

Shell suit

Baseball cap

Sneakers

Sports outfit

Vest

5 toys

Computer

Tv

DVD player

Bose player

Control box

5 books or tv shows

Smallville

Law & Order:Criminal Intent

CSI:Miami

Mrs Dalloway

The Other Boleyn Girl

5 greatest joys:

Blogging

E mails off my girlfriend

Completing an important job

Watching my favourite film (The Hours)

Friday night

Borg Sales Office

.

Hello, and welcome to our Borg Sales Office.

We are here to show you some of our very latest alcoves that are available for you at no price whatsoever.

Where else can you get a bargain like that.

The say the Borg are mean and nasty, but how can that be, when we are giving them away? The Ferengi would sell them!

You just have to go though our little 'initiation process' and a shining new alcove will all be yours, with your very own nanoprobes. When ever we don't want you, you can remain there all day and regenerate.

Isn't that fun!

Now I'll just hand you over to my assistant:

.

This is Seven Of Nine, who is part of Unimatrix 01 on my Cube. She is here to help answer any questions you may have. I must admit, I'm a little jealous of her. Seven always gets more Valentine's Cards than I do from the other drones.

I'll leave you in Seven's capable hands; now then, ask any questions you wish to her.

----------------

Will I feel any pain if I join the Collective?

"Feelings are irrelevant!"

What if I don't like being in the Borg? Can I choose to leave?

"Choices are irrelevant!"

What if I object to my alcove?

"Resistance is Futile!"

What if I don't want to take my children to the Maturation Chamber?

"Children are irrelevant!"

What if I don't think a vessel should be assimilated?

"We are the Borg. Resistance is Futile!"

-------------------

Er, thank you, Seven Of Nine, for that illuminating Question-And-Answer session. I think you might need to work a little on your presentational skills a little, there.

Now, ladies, gentlemen and children, be sure to pick up a sales brochure on the way to the Assimilation Chamb....I mean the Exit.

I'm sure we'll be seeing you all again....very soon.

TWQ: Romance

As Valentine's Day is this Tuesday, we look into Romance:

Have you any unusual romantic stories or Valentine's Day happenings?

My answer is:

My girlfriend and I met over the internet; though we are in different parts of the world, our romance has developed due to our messages and our telephone calls. We are both grateful to the web for bringing us together.

Now it's over to you...

---------------

But before I go....

More on the romance front:

Spotted on Jon, Intergalactic Gladiator is

The Classic Leading Man's Test

and

The Classic Dames Test

I ended up as William Powell!

Men Talk For Valentine's Day

Riker, Geordi, Worf, Data and myself are in the shuttle after returning from an Away Mission. We are journeying to rendezvous with the Enterprise.

"Captain," says Geordi, "What do you think we should be getting our ladyfriends this Valentine's Day?"

Everyone turns round and has a worried look on their faces; clearly they haven't thought too deeply on this subject. They realise they will be in for it if they don't get them a good gift.

"Err..that depends on the individual, of course." I say in a statement that doesn't help at all.

"It's just that Trisha has given be a long list of Valentine's presents." continues Geordi, "I think she expects me to get her all of them."

We take a look at all the presents only the list: perfumes, classy clothes, exotic jewelry.

"She certainly has good taste." I mention.

"Expensive taste." Geordi groans.

"What will you be getting Doctor Crusher, Captain." asks Riker.

"Ahh...errr....Bever....I mean Dr Crusher will be quite content with some white roses. After all, err...a Captain can't be seen to show too many romantic gestures. One has to be err...discreet in these matters."

Riker puts on one of those smug smiles of his when he doesn't believe a word I'm going to say. Why does he seem to guess everything.

"What do you think Jennifer would like, Captain." asks Data, "I am not used to buying presents for a woman. Do you really think she wants anything?"

"If you don't," replies Geordi, "She'll switch your 'Off Button', and throw you down the garbage chute faster than you know."

"What about you, Number One?" I ask Riker, "What will you be getting Counselor Troi?"

"I've booked the holodeck for a romantic evening with Deanna on the luxury beaches of Alaxon Prime. When the sun goes there, it looks so gorgeous."

Worf is looking increasingly irritated. Oh dear.

"I was going to take Deanna to Alaxon Prime on the holodeck as a surprise!" shouts Worf.

"Hey!" says Riker, "She's my girl; what do you think you're doing, muscling in on my territory?"
"Deanna is MY woman!" shouts Worf.

The two approach each other as if there is going to be a fight. On a shuttle, it is not the best place for a Klingon to start getting angry.

"Gentlemen!" I say in my best commanding tone. Sort this out on the Enterprise! Declare a truce for now."

The two grudgingly look at each other.

"Lieutenant" I whisper to Worf, "You might be better in getting something for Jadzia Dax instead, otherwise things could be awkward."

Worf mumbles a few Klingon phrases that are not suitable for this Journal.

Valentine's Day is not all love and fondness in the 24th Century, it seems.

Girl Talk For Valentine's Day

While the Cappy and the other men are out on one of their silly Away missions, me and the girls are going to have a little conflab about Valentine's Day.

Aren't we just the sneakiest!

Bev, Trisha, Jennifer and I have chatting about what we are going to buy our men for Valentine's Day.

"Shouldn't THEY be buyting something for US?" asks Trisha, "I've given Geordi a long list of romantic pressies to get me. He'll be spending all day at the Starfleet Mall this week."

"Sure," replies Jennifer, "But they do like a gift in return. It's the whole romance thing. The fun is when they forget until a few hours before and they have to find something special. Usually us girls get an even better gift then!"

We all fall about in a fit of girlish giggles. A passing Bolian crewmember looks at us pityingly.

"Take a hike, Blueskin!" I order him.

Another fit of giggles.

Aren't I a bad Counselor!

It must be all the Klingon bloodwine we've been having. I think we're a little tipsy.

"What are you getting the Cappy?" I ask Bev.

"He's so tough to get a present for," remarks Bev, "Jean-Luc doesn't like us to be too forward with each other as it upsets the balance. We have to be err..discreet. A book of romantic poetry will be just right for him. I'll end up with white flowers."

Bev giggles and spills her Bajoran Brandy.

"Don't forget to wear that short skirt of yours, Bev!" I say to her, "He'll like that as well!"

Ten Forward is deafened by our ear-splitting laughs.

Aren't we bad? Giggle

"What about Riker and Worf?" Trisha asks me, "What are you going to do with them?"

"Oh, I'll just get pressies from both of them." I reply.

I'm a lucky Betazoid aren't I? Giggle.

"What Trisha means," explains Jennifer, "Is that the two of them aren't going to take too kindly to just being the semi-boyfriend of you. Do you think you ought to let Worf go. After all, he may get a card from that Jadzia Dax."

I turn a vivid colour of red.

"Don't mention THAT name, Jenny," I angily say to her, "I'll be monitoring all incoming calls on the 14th, and if we get one from HER, I'll send it back with a few choice words!"

"What about Data, Jenny?" asks Bev, "Have you any idea of what he'll get you or what you'll get him?"

"He said to me that he would love to have The Bumper Book of Thermal Dynamics as a Valentine's present," says Jennifer, "It's not exactly romantic, but it's what he wants. He will get me a new ballgown from Federation Females."

We all order another round of Klingon Bloodwines, and tell each other some stories that make the others shriek with laughter, falling off our seats every so often.

I don't remember too much after than, except Guinan calling Security to throw us out of Ten Forward.

We stagger back to our quarters singing songs.

What a relief the Cappy was away! Giggle

The Buck Stops Here

The scanners of the Enterprise have found a vessel floating in space; it apprantly has one human lifesign on it.

"The ship is a NASA one and is nearly 400 years old." says Data.

"Do you know which one it is?" I ask,

"Apparantly, it is Ranger 3, an experimental deep space vessel that was secretly launched in 1987. It's pilot is a Captain William Rogers."

"Let's wake him up and welcome him to the 24th Century" I say, "He'll have quite a shock to find that he's been frozen in space for 400 years."

-------------

Ranger 3 is taken to Cargo Bay 2, where Captain Rogers is woken up; he looks puzzled. He emerges wearing a white space outfit with flares.

"Where am I?" he asks.

"I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise." I announce, "You've been frozen in space for over 400 years; all you friends are dead; welcome to the 24th Century."



He looks shocked, but says , "Err..call me Buck, Captain Picard."

Deanna whispers to me, "Captain, I think he could have received the news in a more subtle manner than that."

"Wow!" says Buck, looking at Deanna, "What a hot babe! You and I could make sweet music together. How about a date later?"

Both Riker and Worf look irritated, but Deanna marches up and slaps Buck on the face.

"I am not a hot babe!" Deanna shouts at him, "Us women have far more rights than we did in 1987."

She walks away in a huff.

"I'll have to watch my step around here!" Buck says to me.

I notice he has an extra large gun in his holster.

"That looks a little dangerous, Captain Rogers," I say, "Do you mind if we have that?"

"What about all the hostile aliens around?" he protests, "What am I going to incinerate them with? There's one for a start!"

He looks at Worf.

"Lieutenant Worf is a member of my crew." I tell him, "He is not a hostile alien."

Well, most of the time he isn't. Those other Klingons can be a bit cross at times.

"In the 24th Century" I educate Buck, "We promote peace, harmony and galactric brotherhood within the United Federation of Planets."

"You all sound like a bunch of space hippies if you ask me." replies Buck, "All right then, where's the nearest Space Princess?"

"Sorry?" I ask him, "What do you mean, Buck?"

"A Space Princess." the Captain says, "The young leader of a planet who I'll probably fall in love with for a while. It doesn't matter if she's good or evil. I'll be able to make her redeem her bad self. If there's none around, the leader of a tribe of Amazonian Warriors will do."

"Err....sorry, Buck, there are no Space Princesses or Amazonian Warriors around at all." I tell him.

He thinks for a moment and shakes his head.

"Look, Captain Picard, "I don't think you should have woken me up here. This is such a dull place; there aren't hostile aliens, there are no Space Princesses and no one wears trendy flares. Can you put me back in Ranger 3 and freeze me, so that I wake up in a time when I'm needed?"

"If that's what you want, Buck." I say, "Dr Crusher will erase your short term memory and put you back in Ranger 3."

------------------

Buck is put in the ship and Ranger 3 drifts again through space.

"Do you think he'll find what he wants, Jean-Luc?" asks Beverly.

"If he is woken in a time when he can sort out problems by himself, fall in love consistantly with Space Princesses and Amazonian Warriors and be in a world where everybody wears flares, he'll be more than happy, Beverly."

TWQ: Advice For Your Younger Self

This weekend looks at something we perhaps all would have wished we could do at some stage in our lives.

What advice would you like to have given yourself at the age of 16 (or younger) if you had the opportunity?

My answer is:

Some opportunities only come once in a lifetime; look out for them. Thay are not always easy to find.

If you can see the way your life may be heading, and are not happy change it, before it is too late.

Remember those around you; they won't be here for ever.

Invest in Microsoft!

Now it's over to you...

Stranded In 2006 (Part Three)

The senior staff need to come up with a solution of how to return to the 24th Century. Clearly, none of us are suitable in the jobs we've found in 2006.

I must admit that being a programme seller at the theatre where 'Hamlet' was playing did me no good.

When I first walked in to the theatre, I said commandingly, "Is this a dagger I see before me?" using my most practiced 'Hamlet' voice.

The manager laughed and said, "No, it's a pile of programmes; get selling!" and thrust them in my arms.

What an amateur! Why couldn't he recognise a true eck-tor such as myself?

Anyway, now all of the senior staff are in San Francisco Park, wondering what we are all going to do next. Data & Worf are still getting some strange looks, although I must admit, some of the citizens in the park look a little weird in their mode of dress.

A representative from McDonald's has just invited us to toss burgers and wash the dishes. We seriously consider this proposal, as our income is rather depleted right now.

As we talk amongst ourselves, we notice that the ground starts shaking; everyone has run off. We probably ought to as well, but see a giant spaceship appear momentarily in the centre before it cloaks itself.

This is a possibilty this might be something to do with us; I don't think it happened every day in 2006.

A man in a silver suit comes towards us and approaches me.

"Captain Picard of the 24th Century Starship Enterprise?"

"Yes." I reply.

We are definately in Twilight Zone territory here.

"I'm Captain Arcada" he continues, "I'm from the Federation Timeship Tempest from the 29th Century. We're here to repair the damage."

"What damage?" I inquire.

"Are you kidding?" he laughs, "The universe has fallen apart since The Federation in the 24th Century started tinkering with time. They shouldn't be doing that for hundreds of years yet. The timestream has collapsed and Earth is dominated by the Borg. We in the Tempest are only protected because we are shielded from time changes."

Just another day at the office for us; it looks like save-the-universe-day is here again. If Wesley was with us, we'd have been back in two minutes.

"Why are the Borg controlling Earth?" asks Riker.

"The Temporal Prime Directive prevents me telling you that, Commander," replies Arcada, "However it is essential that we return you to the 24th Century so that the timeline can be restored to it's correct place."

That means more hard work for us in the future against the Borg. Just what I needed. I think I's prefer selling programmes here with Beverly.

"What about the time machine?" I ask.

"It's essential that it is all destroyed; your generation must not develop it; you are not ready."

We all follow him to the Tempest and it takes off.

In the ship, Arcada has us all in place and issues the co-ordinates for our return. This had better be right; if it isn't, we'll probably end up in the Ice Age.

Suddenly, we are back in the Federation time machine; it is just switched on, but instead of proceding, I switch on the self-destruct and we all run out.

After a massive explosion, all the components have melted away.

Trying to explain to Starfleet why I've destroyed their machine might be a tougher job than trying to get back.