Focus

I've been having ambling thoughts and questions asked about what I should be doing after this degree. I just had another one today from a dear friend... I wish sometimes I had this prerecorded message that I could use to replay- but therein lies the foolishness, because it changes, ever so, with varying shades of aspiration, events and circumstances.

Interestingly, yesterday, I dug out some old MiniDisc recordings I made awhile back. In one of the tracks, I was reading out an Amy Carmichael poem (Rose from Brier), and before proceeding to read (over a soundscape of soothy celtic atmospherics), I stated out the time and date: January 14th, 2001, Two AM. While the contents of the poem is a prayer for God to change, immolate(!) and perfect me, it struck me how long ago that prayer was made. And how I had grown somewhat since- not even close to perfect, but better off in someways than then.

It just surprised me how these last three years had flown by in a blink, how the world has changed, how friends, family and the church community has changed and set in various paths; how my outlook and worldview was simpler!

Then in the midst of doing my internship (in a business development unit!), I hadn't the faintest idea what would have been in store: How the youth group would grow and multiply, handing over my cellgroup responsibilities, and an increased involvement with jireh kids (they were merely lower secondary kids then- they're now all in poly/jcs), how I would be visiting Merv in Munich and James in New York, how I would even take up a formative role in developing the [mega]camp concept for the youths, eventually feeling compelled to move out of youth ministry, of having increasing involvement in inter/parachurch events, of how much grace and mercy has come my way. That season I was fresh with fire from one of the most powerful spiritual experiences in my life- the summer camp of 2000 in virginia, coupled with a trailblazing trip across kazakstan (from the chinese border to the uzbek border). Never guessed I would be doing a research project with a quirky title, still guessing whats next in store. Through bouts of procrastination and diligence, these last three years seem to have been jam packed with loads of people, events, convictions that I'm still sifting through, struggling to be mindful of faithfulness and stewardship. Growing through seasons of change, the dark night of the soul, the wilderness episodes, the exhilarating periods of unexpected refreshment, comfort and vision.

Milestones, not millstones. In awe of His faithfulness.

The task I have presently is how NOT to lose the sense of wonder, of awe. Lord, save me from jadedness; that every plodding moment should be one holy, awesome moment!

Lord, more and more
I pray Thee, or by wind or fire,
Make pure my inmost heart’s desire
And purge the clinging chaff from off the floor

I wish Thy way
But when in me myself would rise
And long for something otherwise,
Then, Holy One, Take sword and spear and slay.

Oh, stay near by,
Most patient Love, till, by Thy grace,
In this poor silver, Thy bright face
Shows forth in clearness and serenity

What will it be
When, like the lily or the rose,
That in my flowery garden
I shall be flawless, perfect, Lord to Thee?
(Amy Carmichael, Rose from Brier)

While at bible study with my graduate crusade friends today, it suddenly occured to me how this life is set out to constantly seek that [illusive] balance and focus of where God has set us out to do. How in order to find out what God has made us out for, we have to try it out and do it (with due consideration of course), and finding out our personal responses to it.

This of course, led me to an analogy of the microscope- you see, when we want to focus an image on a microscope (optical or SEM or telescope even), you do a rough focusing til you have an overall image (at the lowest magnification), so you know where in the image you want to zoom into, and better focus. How focusing usually happens, is you arrive at the image that is slightly too near, then you move it to an image that is slightly too far (or vice versa), and you try and find that inbetween point. You then go to the next level of magnification, and do the whole focusing process again, albeit with a finer level of + or - wrt the ideal distance. You reiterate the whole process at even greater levels of magnification, and correspondingly smaller corrections. In theory, there is practically NO limit to how much you want to do that- until you reach the maximum magnification I suppose (or simply physical limits of subatomic levels).

So, focusing is simply arriving at a target, and see how much you miss it by, and you try and change, probably 'overshooting' abit, then you self-correct; and this gets reiterated over and over again, + - + - + - + - + - .... ideally each correction smaller than the previous, and hence bringing us closer to the destination. Ironically, because we live in a physical, imperfect realm, we'll never actually reach the perfect point, until we leave this world. At another level, the process of focusing also gives one a good grasp of the specimen context and terrain. You learn lessons on the subject while you focus too.

Lord, renew my vision and focus!