you missed that.

really.

To You.

I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart 

But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start

***

I have many thoughts running through my mind. 

You are here and yet you felt that deep within you, something just doesn't seem right. You felt like you shouldn't be here, that you should be at somewhere else, doing something else. Living a different life. 

 It's funny how such feelings comes visiting again after taking such a long hiatus. So long until you thought you have overcome and finally be freed from it. You thought you are an overcomer just like how they always tell you to be. But it's always there. It has always been there. 

Who are you?

You are way too timid to talk about change. Let alone living out that change.

Who are you?

How can you leave behind that you, pretending that you never existed?

***

You are just a human. 

Stop being so selfless. It costs you way too much. 

rain.

there's no word to describe the state which i am in at the moment.

i wished there's an answer.

how to keep the fire burning?

the Hills are alive.

I have this picture hanging on the wall of my Shack. And I think it gives me the calmness i need.

Sometimes we just have to learn to accept [certain] things as they are, despite the rage that is growing within us like wild fire, enough to consume everything that crosses our path.

It feels terrible to know that you are put on the same weighing scale and you weigh the same as those useless people who are not even worth mentioning about. You are all selected. I don't understand how some people can be so dumb. Or they just act dumb and have no sense of responsibility, accountability.. and maturity.

The long hours of waiting in the airport two weeks ago made me end up with Frank McCourt's Teacher Man. Half way through and there's quite a lot of things he wrote about which hit home.

*

上有天， 下有地， 中间有良心。

I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from?

show no fear

It's time to make a start
to get to know your heart
time to show your face, time to take your place

In every speck of dust
In every universe,
When you feel most alone, you will not be alone

Just shine a light on me, shine a light
I'll shine a light on you, shine a light
and you will see my shadow on every wall
and you will see my footprint on every floor

It only takes a spark to tear the world apart
these tiny little things that make it all begin

Just shine a light on me, shine a light
I'll shine a light on you, shine a light
and you will see my shadow on every wall
and you'll see my reflection in your free fall

Just shine a light on me, shine a light
I'll shine a light on you, shine a light
'Cause when your back's against the wall
that's when you show no fear at all
and when you're running out of time
that's when your hitch your star to mine

We won't be leaving by the same road that we came by
~My Shadow, Keane~

****

Live. I don't know, I think you're either born simple or you're born... me. I wanna be the person who gets happy over finding the perfect dress, I wanna be simple 'cause no one holds a gun to the head of a simple girl.

~C. Yang~

year 1

so let's break free from all these chains of misery

that we have laid down upon ourselves in history and let's break free

~Jack Savoretti, Breaking News~

image taken from here.





year 1: done.

maybe someday

forcing your way through.

it's important to be at the right place at the right time.

i have tried very hard for the past 9 months.

you can go
you can start all over again
you could try to find a way to make another day go by
you can hide
hold all your feelings inside
you could try to carry on when all you want to do is cry

and maybe someday we'll figure all this out
try to put an end to all our doubt
and try to find a way to make things better now that
maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
we'll be better off somehow, someday

'Cause sometimes we don't really notice
just how good it can get
so maybe we should start all over
start all over again

maybe that's just not me.

let's trade shoes

i guess we would have to walk a mile
in each others shoes at least
What size you wear? I wear 10's
Let's see if you can fit your feet

In my shoes, just to see
what it's like, to be me
i'll be you, let's trade shoes
just to see what it'd be like

to feel your pain, you feel mine
go inside each others mind
just to see what we'd find
look at shit through each others eyes
-Beautiful, Eminem-

*

36 to go. the counting down and complaining make me look like some kind of ungrateful idiots. haha. there's nothing much in school, except covering the work left behind by some people, doing some revision with the math classes, marking papers.. planning for the hospital visitation in November. Math revision has been super disastrous.

treat them with as much respect as you can muster,
teach with as much passion as you can find.
- shen -

i'm trying my best.
they make me feel like i'm a big time failure. yeah, i think that's the word for the year.

*
old pictures of you and me
when we were young and were free

my laptop died and resurrected for the second time. everything within it is gone. gone. i don't even want to describe how angry, how frustrated i am. sigh.

i need something to keep my sanity.

a good man in a storm

Open your eyes now

it's time to see if you can reach me

open your eyes now

it's time to leave me... it's time to see

if you still believe in me

open your life now
i'll try to be all that you need me to be

open your eyes now
and try to speak like you can see me

open your eyes now

i'll try to be almost everything you need me to be

she'll be a star now
i will follow her lead

she'll be a scar now

i will still let her bleed all over me

Open Your Eyes, Andrew Belle

*****

I was raised to be a good man in a storm.
Raised to love my country, love my family
and protect the things I love.
~Arizona R.~

the valley of death

will He forgive me if i gave up on myself.

i want to hide.

complex feelings.
jimo.

i don't know how to translate those chinese words into english.

RED ALERT!

NO WATER!!!!!!!!!!!

SHUCKS. THIS IS TERRIBLE. ONE FULL DAY WITHOUT WATER. THIS PLACE SUCKS I TELL YOU. I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE. ONE WHOLE WEEK OF RE-ADAPTING TO LIFE HERE BUT IT'S NOT DOING ANY BETTER.

sigh.

yesterday was some teacher's day celebration in school.

i got a bag from the students under my mentor-mentee group. hmm.. ;)

gosh. i got so much work to do. yet i can't muster the strength and mood to anything. shucks big time.

:(

there are voices

And so this is the 3rd day of school.

cooking doesn't excite me anymore. it doesn't make me feel as happy as it used to be. probably because now i needed a higher dose of dopamine in my brain to give that kind of thrill and excitement.

probably i should play some aggressive badminton to stimulate the release of dopamine.

this is depressing.

do you think you are that good?who do you think you are?why do you want to leave?what's wrong with you?what are you going to say about the past 4 years?are you trying to run away?are you sure that's what you want to do?what if you're wrong?what if you are supposed to stay?why are you like that?why are you looking only at the bad times?no good times at all?

questions. and more questions in my mind.

it's like.. at one moment, i made up my mind on some things. and the next moment, i found myself swallowed up by a sea of questions.

and it keeps coming back.

***

Your grace is sufficient.

something nice.

i should think of something nice to blog about. gah. that really squeezes my brain to the max.

school has been quite a disaster. some same old grandma stories about the kids.

probably i have been toooo nice to the students and they think i am easy to be bullied, or some easy piece of meat to take down. *roar*

i need to cook.

gah.

same o' whateverlar.

what's ahead

how long do you have to wait

how long do you have to stay

how far can you go

how much can you lose

**

how long are you willing

to wait

to stay

how far are you willing to go

how much are you willing to lose

*and you have a preview to how the bad cop and the good cop within me work.
it can get better than that at times*

~***~

The walk through the mangrove swamp on this small stretch of bridge and out to the beach was somewhat scary and creepy.

The other day i was wondering why we can't just rewind back to many years ago. then i realized i need to do myself some good and stop thinking about this rewinding thingy. well, for some obvious reasons, of course.

School was boring today. Ok, probably because there's nothing much going on after a week of monthly tests and i didn't do much to get anything going anyway. whatever. And probably because i had a bad week marking papers, balancing on the fine line that separates strict and lenient.

Great. There's school tomorrow, following the Friday timetable. I'll be starting the chapter on Land and Its Resources, which is about some geology stuff i learnt during uni days. Oh my, I have returned most of what i learnt to the lecturers. oh crap.

I am only returning the papers next week. Many students came to me and asked me about their math paper results. A handful of them did brilliantly well compared to their peers, and I am truly happy about that. Some, they came because they want to know the mistakes they did. They listened, and their light bulbs were lighted. They understood the reason they got low marks or failed the paper. Some, they came but are just plainly blinded by their own weaknesses in the subject (not only math) and yet still want to plead for marks which i can't and won't give. They are not interested in knowing their weaknesses and mistakes. They are only interested in getting a pass for the paper, or higher marks. One girl got 22 out of 50, which is equivalent to 44%, one more mark to pass the paper. She came to see me twice to beg for that 1% so that she can have a pass for math paper after failing it in the Feb test. I will never give her that one mark because she simply doesn't deserve it. She wouldn't get an E for math if only she had paid attention during lessons and 'repent' from the sins in doing math. Of course, there some who prefer to just wait til the day the teacher returns the papers to them, which is what i will do if i'm a student. gah.

Bio - i expected to get that kind of results because clearly, language is a problem to them. The students, not just students from my class, have problem understanding simple instructions like 'explain using an example of carbohydrate', 'factors affecting permeability of plasma membrane', 'precautionary steps in administering injection', etc. I marked their papers with a pretty merciful heart where i tried to understand their explanation and marks were given as long as they hit the point. A few from my class did quite well because they are the ones who pay attention during class and work hard to understand; and of course there is about 4 or 5 of them who totally flunked the paper and you can predict what kind of behavior they have during classes. I don't like to see students failing their papers, particularly the subject i love and teach. haha. But I must applaud one of the boys. He is really weak in english. I mean 'really' weak. His english is somewhere in primary school level and i was fearing that he will hand in just the question paper with no answers. Oh well, he answered the questions although not all. He passed the paper, even though with an E. In upper secondary level, E is still a pass, but not G. Oh there's another boy whom i need to constantly call his name during classes so that he won't go too deep in his dream land -- he got a B. That was a surprise to me. ;)

Science -- gah, if this kind of results came out for PMR.. i might be skinned alive.

A quarter at a time.

it's another week.

I felt that at this point of time, we really need to rethink what is worth fighting for, and what's not. I don't have the answer yet but I guess i needed to do this kind of reflection so that i won't go crazy and become a psycho or schizo or whatever after just weeks of teaching in school.

I can only say that we plunged into this system carrying hopes and dreams that are too idealistic for the system to handle.

Some of us have gotten quite badly wounded in less than four months. Yet, we are talking about giving ourselves a few years before getting out of it. Perhaps by then, we will be walking out of it like a zombie.

I did some kind of simple 'survey' recently. There are students who are happy with their life in residential school because they wanted/needed the protection against the big bad world out there, and they have a predictable life, and they don't need to trouble themselves with too much of changes in life. The only thing which troubles them currently is ... there's only one iron for all the female students. Probably more than 250 girls sharing one iron. Unbelievable! My disbelief is not about the darn iron. My disbelief is -- they are troubled not because of the dull routine of life and lack of positive competition and challenges, but the lack of darn freaking iron!! Do you feel my frustration here? Are you getting it? I was quite taken aback by their responses. Sigh!

It has been a pretty tough month..

that's an understatement, obviously.

I have finished marking the papers. Bio. Science. Maths. i shall refrain from commenting about it at the moment.

I have a good cop and a bad cop within my self.

Isn't it scary?

*roll your eyes*

*shake your head* and *stare at me* and say

*teacher, i don't understand....*

what should i do?

jiaaaaa is extremely disappointed with the academic performance of her students.

i took this during the Bio field trip.
what cutie kittens they are!!

here you are.

sometimes you wonder why you have to be in that system. and you're stuck there, at least for quite a while.

do you know what's worth fighting for?
when it's not worth fighting for?
does it take your breath away
and you feel yourself suffocating?
~21 Guns~

i guess sometimes we need to know when to back off,

simply because it's not worth fighting for.

where's nemo?

Every time i pass by the LD airport, it never fails to remind me of my first day in this place, how a total shocker Day-1-in-LD was for me when i landed here; and how at the end of the first day, i was greeted by a rainbow over the sky as my housemate drove pass the airport heading towards town. alrightz. This afternoon the radio was playing Train's Hey Soul Sister as i was driving along that stretch of road and i thought of rachelchoong and gah.. i almost wanted to burst out in tears. almost, and therefore thank God i didnt. if not, it would be so embarrassing. *sorry rachel, please don't scold me for being jimo :p*

jimo-fimo-finding-nemo.

"This is the secret of Jeremiah's persevering pilgrimage - not thinking with dread about the long road ahead but greeting the present moment, every present moment, with obedient delight, with expectant hope: 'My heart is ready!' " - Eugene Peterson

okay. stop finding nemo, jiaaaaa. stop it!

alright, i am already in the middle of march. garh. there's still some work not done yet. i have to prepare the PEKA list, mark the PEKA reports; and get ready to continue teaching Math after the break, lalala... then the school is going to have Hari Anugerah thingy, Sports day.. blah blah blah.. geeee.. whateverlar..

did i tell you that my 4 Zamrud kids celebrated my birthday during their prep time? It was the first day of school after the cny break and they actually bought a cake on sunday and asked their canteen aunty to keep it in the fridge. it was a huge cake i tell you. i will show you the picture some other time. i really appreciated it. well, the quiet 2*th birthday ain't that quiet after all. :p

I began to see and understand how difficult it can be to 'serve' the country in a place other than where i wanted. Things are so different when you experienced them first hand. Emotions is one of the scariest thing i need to deal with. How do you balance the positive feeling (that your job can be pretty rewarding although not in financial sense, of course) and the negative feeling (that you are in a sense, living in lack, lack of the comfort you wanted and needed)? Well, honestly sometimes i get kind of jealous of friends who are staying back in the other side of my world. They have access to different things, simple things such as cinemas to enjoy good shows (none in LD), proper shopping malls (none in LD that matches that standard), driving along nice highways (nope, you have snake-liked bumpy tar roads), nice hangout places which you can sit there for hours drinking tea, coffee or Paulaner (none here, except some shops that show poor imitations of KimGary, Ipoh Old Town, etc) , and the list goes on. I'm not exactly complaining or grumbling although it sounds like it. AH, i knew it!

Above all, it's the company of friends (besides family) back in the other side of my world which i missed the most. It's like you meet hundreds of people every schooling day and yet you feel the immense longing to be with people who forms the world that lives in you. seriously. that's what i'm feeling every day. every freaking day. i didn't want to make things so jimo but sometimes i just can't help.

January and February were months of finding my place in LD and getting used to the all-too-quiet life here. In the 3rd month, i am pushed to deal with the emotional aspect of life as i continue the search of a place for jiaaaaa in LD. I am learning how to strike a balance between the positive and negative feelings. I am learning how to deal with emotions, how to deal with the quest of finding nemo when such quests are needed.

As if to add to the jimo-ness, [V] is playing Celine Dion's All By Myself.

gah, how many times have i told you that you'll be fine?