rest.

taking a break. freeing my mind.

dirty tales.

All I need is the inner peace that comes not just from God, but also from the life I am living. 

It's been a week since the KRS camp in Taliwas. There's nothing much to talk about the camp, with the usual group activities, building gadgets, marching, cooking, etc. The picture was taken at the river flowing through the Taliwas camp site. We can see the riverbed as well as the reflection with the effect of polarizer. Taliwas is quite a nice place. A good getaway from the hustle and bustle of the crazy school life that requires you to give and give and give and give and give selflessly to the good of humankind. 

Different schools may face different problems. 

I can't say for all schools.

The environment in my school does not encourage selfless giving. The people up there may say that teachers should be a selfless being, putting the students and the school-related work first. I was idealistic, I (may) still am. Therefore to a certain degree, I do kind of agree with their 'plea'. However, the surrounding is totally unsupportive of this kind of effort. Your colleagues (not all, but majority of them) don't think or feel the same as you. For them, it's just a job that some people think too highly of. They go to school, they laze around in school, they are late for class, they leave the class early, they skip class.. They do things for the sake of doing it. You may wonder why they are acting like uni/secondary school students. And with that kind of personality and attitude, they would reprimand their students for behaving the same. They scold students for sending in their work late yet the teachers themselves do not finish their tasks on time, and some teachers purposely procrastinate so that the tasks assigned to them would be passed on to those who are more hardworking. 

Please kill me!!

So tell me, how can you expect the good teachers to be productive in this kind of environment? Perhaps, some have forgotten that teachers are human too. They need motivation and appreciation. They need conducive working environment too. No or minimal actions are taken against lousy teachers who underperformed. It's one of the main reasons why the education system in this country sucks. Then another question comes - why is there no actions taken against them? Partly it's because the school needs to protect her image. Having disciplinary actions taken against those teachers would tarnish the image of the school and hence cutting off chances of the school getting titles like High Performing School, Cluster School and stuff like that. 

It's really frustrating. What's the point of all those titles that cover the school like a huge carpet, and yet when you flip the carpet, all you get is maggots everywhere???!

And why you have this kind of teachers in school? Then we may have to look into the selection of fresh grads from the uni-s and teaching colleges. Sigh. What qualifies them as a teacher? Their grades? Their aptitude and attitude? Either one or both? Some don't even have either one. Lousy grades, lousy aptitude... 

I am not good but I definitely cannot be worse than them. Sorry that I may sound cocky but truly, that's what it is and that's what I am facing at this point of life. It's hard not to be disgusted by them. It's hard to stay true to my self. It's hard not to be affected by them and start living like them. It's hard to swim against the current. God have mercy on us!! 

Of course, I cannot discredit the good ones. But I don't get at least 50% of good ones from the 100% I have in school. 

It just makes me feel terrible. It's like you are fighting alone for a country that still considers you a stranger, a passerby, that judges you based on your skin colour and religion. Face it, that's the fact. Racism and discrimination have always been there, but they cannot be more prevalent in any other ages than now. 

Woe to those white-washed tombs!

I try to treat people with honesty and good will. But now I think my naïveté has cost me a lot. I don't mind carrying out the assignments given to me but don't take me for granted just because I seldom say NO. 

From where I am right now..

Teaching is a good profession when the environment is good. I have good students who respect teachers and have desires to excel in studies and life (not all, but majority of them). So, it's a joy teaching them. I am willing to do more for them not because I cared about the whatever titles given to the school or any benefits that comes with those ridiculous titles and recognitions. I am simply being a decent human being for carrying out my responsibilities. I want them to get good grades - good grades that come from gaining and applying the knowledge and skills passed on to them. Sigh, but no matter how idealistic it may sound, I still have to bow down to the fact that schools are just another mass-production factory. 

I hope you know it is very tiring to keep living like that. 

If anyone tells you teaching is an easy job with lots of holidays and short working hours, I beseech you to gently rebuke them. Such stories of easy life is nothing but a cruel myth. 

If anyone mention the word 'teachers' with hints of contempt, I beseech you to remind them that there are good teachers around despite the rotten apples that always make it to the pages of newspapers. 

I stayed on because I guess there's still something I could do in the midst of hardship.

certainly.

"You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness"

Somebody That I used to Know

april.

I need some photography outings to pull myself away from the tension that comes with the heavy workload. 

Perhaps the KRS camp in Taliwas during the next weekend could help a bit. But the thing is, i would have to brave through a series of crazy works before the day of KRS camp arrives. Well, not that i am very looking forward to it anyway. 

The picture above was taken at Tanjung Aru during the March school break. It's one of the best places to go for sunsets in KK.

**

I think i really need to be less friendly and helpful to the people around me.

Indeed, it's not easy to be a good person.

**

i want to follow you

on a journey that never ends.

But sadly, that's not the reality.

Our love has fallen victim to circumstance.

A point of no return.