don't you think

that it's better to be extremely happy
for a short while,
even if you lose it,
than to be just okay for your whole life?





this fleeting life

is like the clouds.

i'll make it without you.

One more week. And i will be back in the other side of my world.

i am really excited about it. ;)
i have been counting down the days since i left Ipoh after the mid year school break.

Day after day. Week after week. month after month.

soon, it will be the end of my first year teaching in this school. i wished i could love this job.

*roar*

i have to rush the bio syllabus. oh crap.

science. one more month to PMR.

maths? whatever.

the above two are pictures of Parkcity Everly Hotel in Miri.
i was truly glad that i have the whole room to myself.
the meetings finally ended on Wednesday morning.
the whole experience is like
'going for a holiday and coming back with a whole load of information and inside stories'.
and some insights on 'dog-eat-dog world'.

the beach. i have a thing for beaches. maybe because there's none in ipoh.
people tend to appreciate less the things they have. people tend to take things for granted.

i guess that answers the question
.........

i love you.

Why is love intensified by absence?

.......

.....

...

.

i wished i could stop ignoring that my heart is mourning.
sometimes i just felt like running away and hide at some places
and start a new life.
i know it's too drama.
but i seriously couldn't continue to reconsider and reconsider and reconsider.
i might one day lose my sanity.

i am still trying to figure out what Hermit likes to eat.
It doesn't like the soggy rice. i am drying out some and see if it likes it.
the online article says hermit crab eats anything.

i am trying to be perfect although you said i don't need to be and i can never be.
i am trying not to let you down although you said i don't have to do that.

something sparks off our fall from grace.
stop pretending it's not ending.

the last evening in Miri

the meetings went on pretty well. it's more like a holiday for some, including me. i don't think i did much. all i did was sitting beside my 2nd boss, helped to look at some school data, teachers' data.. trying to correct what was wrong. that's all. socialized with some big shots of the department and senior assistants from other 4 residential schools in east malaysia.

looking at the computer screen throughout each session was the worst thing of the trip.

just now there was a double rainbow. 3rd time in a row -- having rainbows at the new places i went. klang last year. day 1 in LD. the last evening in Miri.

why should i reconsider the decision?

i cannot keep being like this. i cannot and should not continue to mentally torture myself. guilt will bring me to no where. liking something and being passionate about something is a totally different thing. it's worse if you are 'trying' to like something.

Everything seems simple until you think about it.

Why is love intensified by absence?

-The Time Traveler's Wife-

sigh.

my heart

i am feeling kind of frustrated.
over a lot of things.

i am trying re-process and sort out all the things that i saw and heard in just one and a half day.

i have my hermit the crab with me, after a nice walk along the beach.

why do things have to be so complicated?

disillusions.

i can't see myself doing this kind of thing for years.

i felt i was being psycho-ed. i somehow felt that our personality is kind of similar. it's quite tempting to stay in the inner circle because you get the inside stories first hand. but i also saw how people are stepping on each other just to get ahead of them. they might not be wrong. it boils down to the survival of the fittest.

i don't like it.

... to be continued

this world

it's a dog-eat-dog world.

that shall be the conclusion for the day. it's obvious.

you have to fend for yourself.

you have to push your way through.

i am seeing the same things here as compared to my experiences in Klang last year, for those who know.

define racism. define backstabbing. define sexism. define sweet talking. define favouritism. define fairness. define freedom. define 1 malaysia. define education. define integrity. define accountability.

it's in your mind.

i am 'trying' to be happy

It's a common belief that positive thinking leads to a happier, happier life. As children, we're told to smile, be cheerful and put on a happy face. As adults we're told to look on the bright side, make lemonade and see glasses half full. Sometimes reality can get in our way of the ability to act the happy part though. Your health can fail, boyfriends can cheat, friends can disappoint. It's in these moments when you just want to get real, drop the act and be your true, scared, unhappy self.

Ask most people what they want out of life and the answer is simple...to be happy. Maybe it's this expectation of wanting to be happy that just keeps us from ever getting there. Maybe the more we try to will ourselves to state of bliss, the more confused we get to the point where we don't recognize ourselves. Instead we just keep smiling, trying like hell to be the happy people we wished we were.. until eventually it hits us... it's been there all along. Not in dreams or hopes, but in the known, the comfortable, the familiar.

~Grey's~

a good man in a storm

Open your eyes now

it's time to see if you can reach me

open your eyes now

it's time to leave me... it's time to see

if you still believe in me

open your life now
i'll try to be all that you need me to be

open your eyes now
and try to speak like you can see me

open your eyes now

i'll try to be almost everything you need me to be

she'll be a star now
i will follow her lead

she'll be a scar now

i will still let her bleed all over me

Open Your Eyes, Andrew Belle

*****

I was raised to be a good man in a storm.
Raised to love my country, love my family
and protect the things I love.
~Arizona R.~

that thought.

And all that I could find was a thin line between
All the saints and villains
It was crossed in my own minds

Struggling between the facts and fiction
I’m alone but I'm alive

Everyone around me is trying to make a statement,

then there's me

I’m just trying to survive.

~disarray~
don't mess with me.

the 8th month.

yesterday i went for my first street photography. the pictures aren't that great as the term 'street photography' sounds. But it was certainly a good experience.

it was a bright sunny day with blue sky and white clouds. although the afternoon sun is not a nice time to take pictures because it is sooo bright, and, so HOT, but i still went for it. geez, basically it's like a sunbathing time for me, as though my skin is not dark enough. I parked the car and started walking around for about an hour. most of my subjects are children. Adults - just a few, because i was quite scared to aim my camera at them and press the shutter. The black thing can be pretty intimidating and probably infringing their privacy. What if they chased after me for taking pictures of them? Oh well, worst-case-senario-mood in play.


I saw a woman sitting by the road side, selling indon/philipino cigarettes,

"Kak, boleh gambar?"

she shook her head

and spoke in language that i couldn't understand.

My shirt was drenched with sweat, my skin was a few tones darker, but at least i managed to get some pretty rewarding shots.

reward. yes, i prefer the instant ones to the 'N-years-down-the-road' type.

There's some kind of liberation i felt as i was walking around taking pictures. The same o' liberation i felt in Semporna. It's like i am in my own world and that's the real me. The jia in school is like an undercover - to gather information about how terrible the education system is, particularly this system i am currently in. i am so sorry that i can only complain *non-stop* about it, because obviously i can't do anything about it and i am too selfish to stay in it and work something out of nothing.

They said, "Every job has its good and bad sides. If you are really passionate about something, you will be able to thrive through the bad moments and turn them into something good and meaningful."

Be in my shoes, or some of my friends' shoes -- you will EAT YOUR WORDS!

darn it!

what did you see?

what was the thing that crossed your mind?

Smile.

Smile though your heart is a-c-h-i-n-g

Smile even though it's b-r-e-a-k-i-n-g.

When there are clouds in the sky

you'll get by.

If you smile through your pain and sorrow

Smile and maybe tomorrow

You'll see the sun come shining through

For y-o-u.

Light up your face with gladness,

Hide every trace of sadness.

Although a tear may be ever so near

That's the time you must keep on trying

Smile, what's the use of crying....

You'll find that life is still
worthwhile-

If you just s-m-i-l-e.

Charlie Chaplin, 'Smile'

Merdeka month.

You see, it's Merdeka month.. and last Monday the big shots officiated the one-month celebration of National day... *falalalalalalalalala... *

i am always the unofficial photographer.
It somehow feels nice.

the F5 boys.

the girls. waiting for the Boss' speech to end.
*so was i*

it was kind of a disappointment. so few balloons.
:(
*too kedekut bah...*

and i thought the flag will be released all the way up...
who knows, it's tied to a rock on the ground...

cheh............

There will be a night celebration on the 30th. Expected la. and i am the ah-head of the department in-charged of stage decoration. *boring*

maybe one of the days i should go and take picture of the bazaar Ramadhan in my school.

incepted.

guilt.

The Adventure: Semporna!

this pic was taken at the jetty.
there's a trail beside the mosque that leads to this jetty.

I was told to attend the science seminar 3 days ago. Secretly, i was quite happy to get it because the seminar is on Friday and i get to spend more time in Semporna. Oh so, my main agenda is to lepak there and take pictures. Seminar? what seminar? that was the last thing in my agenda. i checked online the places to stay and some photos of Semporna, printed the town map, got the directions from colleagues who kind of know the place, and yeeeha...

'Sempornaaaaa, here I cooooome!!'

I drove to Semporna on Friday morning, left at 6am, reached there at about 8.30am. The Silam road is quite treacherous, uphill and downhill, lorries, slippery road... and yesterday morning it drizzled all the way from LD to Kunak.

The science seminar - it was quite good in terms of how to mark the Science Paper 2, how to answer accurately... blah blah blah.. but it seems more like some seminar that gives you tips on the possible questions coming out this year. But it was really very tiring because of the long hours. At some point of time they were babbling about the same old story and honestly, i was already shutting down, can't wait to go and check in at Dragon Inn. After one day sitting with the teachers, i really felt that i couldn't do what they do, couldn't give what they give, couldn't care about what they care about, couldn't bear with the system like the way they do.

OK, enough of nonsense about teaching in school.
Back to my trip.

outside the Dragon Inn

This morning - got up super early at 6, i was hoping for a nice sunrise. But, it didn't happen that way. it was too cloudy, and the blue sky only appeared later in the morning.

I spent an hour walking around the old town area. This place is something like LD. I wished i could be bolder and more daring in taking pictures of the faces there.

this was taken at the same jetty as the boy pic.

Anyway, i consider this trip as one of the big achievements - drove all the way from LD to Semporna, traveled alone, drove back from Semporna to LD. You won't know how scary it can be unless you have taken that road before.


i will definitely be visiting Semporna again. For the coming Oct, i am planning to follow my colleague to a photography trip at the islands around Semporna. Oh oh, i heard that in that trip, we will have to sleep in sleeping bags, bathe with rain water or water from the well.... rahhhh... that's a challenge for a freak like me. But what is more important than having the opportunity to go and take pictures which i won't be able to get elsewhere?

This trip kind of sparks up the adventure side of me. :P

*if there's any*

look at me!

i was in Sandakan for the weekend.
this monkey pic was taken in a mini zoo, somewhere before the town area.
i can't remember whether it is after or before Labuk Bay.

**
i watched Inception.
-jimo-

***
it's another busy week.