it's in you

tiredness.disappointment.anti social.fears.chaos.seriousness.disgust.rage.despair.

grief.hopelessness.darkness.frustration.anger.loneliness.trapped.directionless.

***
I don't want to give up.

why so serious??!!!

A weekend without internet.
A weekend of bumming in the bed.. slept and slept and slept for almost half the Saturday and a huge part of Sunday.. woke up just for meal time and to try whether the stupid internet connection is working or not, woke up just for service, woke up for the jogging thingy...

I began to see how lonely it could be to stay in my room. Really.

"Why.... so..... serious???!!"

I am very upset with the things my mum and my youngest sister told me.
I can't be ignorant and indifferent about that but I have no idea what I should do.
or how I should respond to it.
It makes me felt like a jerk.

"Why.... so..... serious???!!"

I am disappointed. frustrated. sad. confused. and the list goes on.

"Why.... so..... serious???!!"

I don't want to see that person repeating the same mistake. =|

"Why.... so..... serious???!!"

See beyond the smiles and laughters and the 'okays'.
and you'll find me.

walk walk walk....

i had a long walk this evening. to meet the quota for the rest of the week.
went round and round and round Tasik Universiti for an hour.
counting "1, 2, 3,.."
telling myself "final year, final year... jiahui... final year!!!"
Okay, i am thinking too much.

The evening was full of surprises. hehe. nice weather. bumped into munsiong, li ern & timCheng. Had dinner with AJ and Rachel at Paandhi instead of Sahur coz of my brilliant suggestion and it was great! *even though we had to walk all the way.. passed by 6th College, cut thru UH and almost got lost there... it took us 40minutes to walk to Paandhi..should have taken the usual route..* Anywayz, it's the adventure and company that made the evening beautiful. =]

i am now reading some notes for tmrow's Histology test. microscope stuff. sigh. sleepy.

in that little corner of her heart and life

Some things happened which cause her to realise that she rarely walks by faith regarding issues of great concern. It seems that when the burdens get heavy, she tries to carry them on her own. She frets and worries. She imagines the worst case scenario. She tries to determine what she can do to remedy the problem. She wastes time wishing things were different. When what she should be doing is giving God the opportunity to do His work. Worrying will not change a thing, but faith can change everything.

For we walk by faith, not by sight.
2 Corinthians 5:7

***

open heart. open home. open ear.

Martha - fussing far too much and getting herself worked up over nothing. Mary - choosing one thing that is essential, one thing that worth being concerned about ~ the main course which will not be taken from her. Jesus - free in affirming, loving Martha and Mary the same. Back to this girl, she cares too much about details even though at times she does try to overlook them coz she doesn't want to get too stressed up. Neh..

***

What a friend said about her 2 years ago is true -- that she built a wall which not many can break down and get through. I guess it's something like the semi permeable membrane of our cells. It's selective. It has special channels for organic and inorganic materials to go through it. Some channels are gated, they open/close when stimulated. Some channels only open to molecules with certain molecular size. Some molecules pass through the membrane passively without using energy while some need ATP to do so.

***

She thought she is good in adapting to changes. No. She's just ignoring those changes until it gets to her nerves. Her flexibility and spontaneity sucks. She always ask herself why can't she be less rigid, or maybe less organized, giving herself more space to do something that springs out from nowhere, allowing herself to experience something different. Oh well...

***

Ha... a night of bible study and a simple afternoon of getting together in her small little room which she called 'home' brought so many things to her mind..

somewhere here and there..

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
You belong with your love on your arm
You belong somewhere you feel free
~Tom Petty~
**

I guess JV weeks is the time I can break my another record - staying out for more than 12 hours a day, or go back to my tiny room just to get changed, maybe to grab some stuff, and then cabut.

Class is boring as usual. except my neurobiology class, and maybe including histology class. *must be due to the good lecturer i have for both the subjetcs. hahaha.. and besides all the exciting things we have to learn!!!*. human physio suckz big time coz of the uncle but the company makes it bearable. haha. sociology. maths curriculum planning. asas fotografi. neh.

730am class on mondays is a killer. basically i'm zombie-ing on my seat with a pen and paper... trying hard to copy the notes. cis.... the handwriting is worse than usual. =p

new room-mate. sigh. need to do some adaptation work. you won't understand the tension i need to go thru with this kind of changes.

mixed feelings.

weird.

stressed. and it's beginning to fill up every cm of my face. again.

***

sometime between the dreams of your youth and yesterday,
something precious has been lost.
and that treasure is your heart.......
~Stasi E., Captivating~

0-10, Part 2

An hour of evening walk+jog,
this time it was less boring...
terserempak some friends...
nice weather.
put into practice some of the things i learned in my first year first sem PJK.
counting.. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, .... 30
walked.. jogged.. walked.. jogged..
did the numbers help me to clear my mind? i think so
***
earlier of the day....
had some 'rubber' that disguised as pieces of beef for lunch..
*bleh.....*
lab was fun! took pictures with bottles containing
heart, liver, spleen, intestine, testis.. of the poor white mouse.
what else?
after 3 years, today i terserempak my ex-roomie from 4th.
it's as if my first year was just yesterday.
B116 my room...
***

over the years,
i discovered something about myself
for some people, they may see it as a weakness.

"Move on, friend!"

***
0 to 10
why should i let my week be so sucky that i can only give it a 4?

0-10

A scale of 0 to 10...

I gave last week a 7.
8 is a little too near perfect 10.
6 is little too bad for what i experienced in my first week of semester.

We are now at the middle of 2nd week.
I would give it a 4.
People said I have the word S.T.R.E.S.S. written all over my face.
No. not really that stressed. a bit, yeah. but i'm ok.
*suppressed, repressed, depressed, distressed, expressed*
Hoping that it will jump up to at least 6, maybe.

Well, I think I need something more than evening walk around UM.
Perhaps something more aggressive. Something more exciting.
*it does imply that evening walk is boring =p*

And now is way past my usual sleeping time.
It's gonna be TnT again. =|

14th July of 2007 and 2008

I picked this for myself.
14th July 2007, a rook.
14th July 2008, a 'xiang' which says "Minister".

*the book is my bday present from this sister who has been super jaga-ing me since my 1st year until now, even though she has already graduated. =)

It has been 3 long years. A few more months to go. I know.
I don't think that I have done much, or anything significant.
But the experiences is something which I won't trade for anything else.

An Open Heart. An Open Home. An Open Ear.
And for me, an open eye to see how God works in people and through people.
Tell me, how to be like Oogway and Sifu -- to believe in Po that he could fight against Tai Long.

A reminder to myself.

The Master said, "Martha, dear Martha,
you're fussing far too much and getting yourself worked up over nothing.
One thing only is essential, and Mary has chosen it --
it's the main course, and won't be taken from her."
Luke 10:41-42

**
Lord prepare me
To be a sanctuary
Pure and holy
Tried and true
With thanksgiving
I'll be a living sanctuary
For You

hide and seek

At times,
you wish you could find a place to hide.

this is the 3rd day of the semester

1. i need to be wiser.
2. brother called to tell me that daily dose of coffee makes me fat.
3. the lecturer's hair looks like a wig and he is a weirdo.
   
4. i have been repeating the same line again, and again.. and again.. "I am still working on this and that...". and yes, i am still working on those things.
   
5. i dreamed that we need to hide from some killer radiation that will come unexpectedly. we are supposed to hide in a huge container that has a thick layer of plumbum. i think this comes from the nuclear bomb scene in the latest Indiana Jones show.
6. dead cockroaches are 'crispy and crunchy-like'. i stepped on one and it sounds like as if u stepped on some potato chips.
7. 13 credit hours. hehe. happy. not that i haven't tried taking that few before. =)
8. "Justice is absolute. Fairness is relative."
9. stupid ulcer can be giler sakit and makes me wanna keep my mouth shut - don't talk so much. don't eat so much. don't drink so much.
10. still adapting and trying to get in tune with people and some other stuff. final year. gosh, it's sinking in..

do not go
where the path may lead,
go instead
where there is no path
and leave a trail...
T.S. Eliot

Trust

We have been in many trials,

but we have never yet been cast

where we could not find in our God

all that we needed.

~Spurgeon~

=)

Final year.
Here I come!