Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Shameless acts
I admit to feeling sorry for the English floozy who was arrested in Malaysia for stripping off on a holy peak. How was she to know that her stunt would offend the local mountain gods, causing them to instigate an earthquake measuring 6.0 on the Richter scale? The local tribespeople wanted her to atone for her sacrilegious act by offering the gods ten buffalo heads, but unfortunately she didn’t have any. The Malaysian authorities then took the law into their own hands by charging her with “causing a nuisance”, which is apparently an imprisonable offence in their country.
Had I been the girl’s defence lawyer, I would have made a plea for mercy by pointing out what she didn’t do. Had she performed her nude caper in one of the Mediterranean resorts frequented by British tourists, the locals would have slapped their foreheads in astonishment at her moderation. In the Costa del Sol, the English woman who strips naked is expected either to perform oral sex on the nearest drunken oaf, or douse her body with an alcoholic beverage for the drunken oaf to lap up like a thirsty wolf. The incident would typically be recorded on a mobile phone to provide her with a serviceable memento. Those who are too inebriated to remember the fun they’ve had now take the precaution of capturing it on a digital device to prove it to themselves afterwards. Such are the blessings of modern technology.
The girl’s father has described her as “a very intelligent, stoic young woman”. I suppose we’ll have to take his word for it. The thin mountain air might have turned Tolstoy into a giddy-headed fool. Now that she’s back at sea level, she should validate her father’s words by giving a seminar on meditating in windy places.
Humans from conservative Asiatic countries often remark on the shamelessness of libertine westerners. What they fail to realise is that repressing feelings of shame is sometimes a virtue. Consider the case of Boris Becker, the former tennis maestro, who impregnated a woman in a restaurant in less time than it takes an Olympic sprinter to win the 100 metres. After DNA tests proved his paternity, he humbly accepted his fate, agreeing to a generous divorce settlement with his wife and maintenance payments for his illegitimate daughter.
The girl, now aged 15, is an aspiring model, and her father is suitably doting. Far from being ashamed at having procreated in circumstances that would make a baboon blush, Becker has described the brief coupling as one of the more felicitous events of his life:
“If that's what I'm remembered for, then I'm proud,” he told a British TV network.
I think Becker’s conduct provides a useful lesson for saucy English wenches who prance around naked in exotic holiday destinations. If you’re going to take your clothes off, make sure you get knocked up by a famous sportsman who thinks doing it standing up is an effective method of contraception. The semen of the alpha male is worth its weight in Estée Lauder face creams.
Labels: Boris Becker, floozie, nudity, public nudity, sacrilege
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
The Passion of Kim Kardashian
A young artist from New York is making a name for herself by painting pictures of Kim Kardashian dressed up as the Virgin Mary, Jesus, and (for good measure) assorted she-devils.
"Kim Kardashian is God,” declared Hannah Kunkle, aged 23. “She's crazy, bodacious and has the nose job of an angel. I don't know if she's omniscient, but no one can deny she's omnipresent."
The acolytes of the Pope have not been shy to masquerade as art critics:
“The paintings are dumb and stupid,” said Father Michael Perry of Our Lady of Refuge Church. “Everyone knows who Kim Kardashian is and I don't care who she is. She has no impact on my life at all.”
John Gribowich, a seminarian with a degree in art history, offered a more considered judgement:
“Here she is as Christ, there she is as the Blessed Mother, and then there's a demonic image of her. I don't know how you can be all of those things. It doesn't make sense.”
The disgruntled Catholics have my sympathy on this occasion. Kim is not remotely credible as the Virgin Mary because her arse is too big, and I mean no insult to either of them by saying so. A virgin living in first-century Judea could not have acquired a Kardashian bubble-butt on a diet of pitta bread, hummus and the occasional olive. Hundreds of Big Macs and creamy milkshakes have given their lives to create that plump rump, which is a holy relic in its own right. Mixing up the iconography of different religions is a heinous sacrilege for which Hannah’s own behind should be spanked forthwith. I would do it myself if I lived in Brooklyn.
Portraying Kim as Jesus is equally absurd. Although no one can be sure what Christ looked like, the consensus of scholarly opinion is that he must have had a beard. The only men who shaved in the Roman Empire were Romans and eunuchs, and Jesus was neither. Given that Kim has electrocuted all her facial follicles, it is ludicrous to suggest she could pass herself off as Jesus. For this affront to common sense and decency, Hannah deserves a second spanking, delivered by the Pope himself.
On the other hand, depicting Kim as a demonic damsel is defensible. A succubus can take any form, so there’s no issue with appearance here. Furthermore, Kim is married to a man who resembles Satan in many respects, blessed as he is with a brawny chest and a goat-like sexual appetite. The she-devil pictures may not be high art, but they wouldn’t look out-of-place in a witches’ coven or the boudoir of a dominatrix.
After Hannah is spanked, the Pope should consider what action to take against the maker of a pop video which showed a partially-clothed couple kissing on the altar of a church:
“The behaviour in the video was a desecration of the church and caused most grievous distress to the parish priest,” a church statement said.
I bet did it, but the term “partially-clothed” is too vague to recommend a suitable penance. Which parts were clothed and which parts were showing?
Labels: Art, Big Bottom, big bum Kim Kardashian, church, sacrilege
