Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Bieber spanking threats
I’ve noticed a couple of people saying they’d like to spank Master Bieber, presumably on his bottom. The first one is Mary Schlegel, a mother from Iowa, infuriated at Bieber’s late arrival for a concert.
“It's ridiculous,” she huffed. “I have a four hour drive to get home and if I could I'd take him over my knee and give him a good one!”
I wish it were in my power to grant her request. It would do Bieber the world of good to have his boyish butt-cheeks crisply smacked by a maternal hand. What’s more, it’s the sort of event that might attract a healthy audience. I, for one, would be eager to witness a righteous matron deliver a painful chastisement on Bieber’s young buttocks. To maximise the theatrical impact, I would provide Mrs Schlegel with the following props:
• red nail varnish
• a solid oak bench to sit on while holding Bieber facedown
• a ball gag to insert in Bieber’s mouth
• a nappy and some talcum power to finish up afterwards.
The other person who wants to slap Bieber’s behind is Peter Mench, a bald-headed music producer with bushy eyebrows and a double-chin:
“I’d take Bieber to the woodshed and spank him,” he declared.
Frankly, the suggestion is obscene. No one wants to see a man who looks like an ogre drag a whimpering adolescent off to his cabin. I shudder at the thought of his rough callusy hands pummelling Bieber’s tender tush. Who does Mench think he is? A Turkish sultan? If he ever shows his face around my neighbourhood, I’ll tell my females to massage coconut oil into his bare scalp and coat it with hairy insects. It’s the jungle equivalent of tarring-and-feathering.
In truth, I’ve always been suspicious of music producers. They make a lot of money by playing with knobs in a recording studio and then act like big shots. Look at Phil Spectre – he was a big shot who actually shot someone and expected to get away with it. Note also the bald head beneath those ridiculous wigs he wears. These things are never a coincidence.
Bieber, meanwhile, has been doing his best to avoid getting a smacked botty by pretending to be some sort of hoodlum. After a night out with his buddies, he was filmed pissing in a bucket and saying rude things about President Clinton. Silly boy! Real thugs don’t piss in buckets – they piss on their enemies after setting fire to them (as an act of mercy). And you don’t prove anything by insulting Bill Clinton these days. The man is a shadow of his former self and completely overshadowed by his wife.
If Bieber really wants to prove what a tough guy he is, he should walk up to some badass rappers, like Ice Cube and 50 Cent, and tell them their mother is a hoochie who let him suck her nipples. If he did that, I would buy his latest CD and listen to all the songs in front of the chimpanzees.
Labels: baldness, Justin Bieber, music producers, rappers, spanking
